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5 principů rodičovství: Jak z dětí vychovat dobré lidi
Jak z dětí vychovat dobré lidi (příručka pro nedokonalé rodiče) Nezáleží na tom, jak jste byli vychováni vy, ani jak jste své děti vedli až dosud – kniha dává příležitost začít znovu a vydat se zvládnutelnou cestou, která odpovídá vašim hodnotám i jedinečné povaze vašich dětí.
356 pages, Paperback
Published January 1, 2025
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4800 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 142 reviews
November 28, 2025
**Many thanks to Simon Element and Aliza Pressman for an ARC of this book!**
You may have heard of the the 3 R's growing up: reading, writing, and 'rithmetic.
(Okay, yes, I am well aware only one of those ACTUALLY starts with R...but I am not ENDORSING the phrase, just referencing it...I promise! 😉)
In the 5 Principles of Parenting, however, Aliza Pressman is about to introduce you to the 5 R's (and ALL of them actually begin with 5 - phew!) which fall in line with her 5 principles. They are Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair, and each represents a 'step' in the parenting process, especially in moments of conflict. Children need a stable relationship with their caregivers, parents and children need to take time for reflection (often by way of small moments of mindfulness), regulation, which encourages us to keep feelings in check rather than letting them spiral, Rules, which help provide the structure that children actually crave, and Repair for those moments when things just don't go well to help get the relationship back to a place of positivity and love.
Sounds like a lot? Well...Dr. Pressman's JUST getting started!
You see, to help you remember and shortcut these 5 elements in your day-to-day parenting life, you need an ACRONYM, of course - BALANCE. B is for Breathe, A for Acknowledge, L for Let it go, A for Assess, N for Notice, C for Connect, and E for Engage. Dr. Pressman refers to this as a "Parenting Passcode"...and in theory, this DOES sound like a comprehensive way to 'walk through the steps' as you traverse the daily challenges of parenting. The PROBLEM with this theory (and with much of this book in general) is that you are essentially supposed to go through the seven steps in a matter of mere minutes...or sometimes, even MOMENTS.
Now, I consider myself to be a pretty reflective and thoughtful person...but even the thought of trying to put this in practice several times a day EVERY day made me feel like I was about to break out in hives. If you struggle with anxiety WHATSOEVER... I honestly think you'll feel the same. As much as these steps are wonderful for getting grounded, with kids...there just isn't usually that kind of time. I sort of see this idealistic approach as one that might work out on a family sitcom, where everyone takes the time to TALK through situations and handle emotions in a more measured and thoughtful way. But again...that's FICTION, not reality.
Where Dr. Pressman DID make more of an impact for me, however, is with her shortened approach that includes (you guessed it!) a new acronym. Meet BAD: Breathe, Assess, Deal. Now THIS kind of thinking at least resonated with me because it feels more practical, especially in situations that require immediate action. Unfortunately, the reflection piece can sort of get lost here, and this advice essentially boils down to: take a breath and make a rational, evidence-based decision...which is sort of OBVIOUS advice, to say the least.
It's not to be said that there isn't some other moments of goodness here: Dr. Pressman is big into the mindfulness trend, and gives you tiny exercises to try at the end of every chapter, which would probably be helpful for newbies. (If you've read ANYTHING on the practice, though, it's not going to feel especially new.) The tips and tricks are grounded in the 5 principles, and the author is very 'mindful' (pardon the pun) to connect all of her statements and suggestions back to them. The unfortunate downside to this read, though, is that so much of what is discussed falls into two categories: fairly obvious advice, OR in-depth analysis and practices that seem like they would take until your child graduates from high school to truly master in any kind of effective way. This leaves the reader in a bit of a confused limbo, where you feel like you might need a full-on college course and a semester's worth of intense study to become a 'Balance' master...and let's say I couldn't see myself banging on the bursar's door begging for enrollment.
And while Dr. Pressman clearly has a solid methodology and framework for her 5 principles and there is certainly some helpful advice sprinkled in among a mountain of words and a jumble of letters, let's just say I already deal with enough acronyms at work...and for now, that's where I'd like them to stay.
3.5 stars
You may have heard of the the 3 R's growing up: reading, writing, and 'rithmetic.
(Okay, yes, I am well aware only one of those ACTUALLY starts with R...but I am not ENDORSING the phrase, just referencing it...I promise! 😉)
In the 5 Principles of Parenting, however, Aliza Pressman is about to introduce you to the 5 R's (and ALL of them actually begin with 5 - phew!) which fall in line with her 5 principles. They are Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair, and each represents a 'step' in the parenting process, especially in moments of conflict. Children need a stable relationship with their caregivers, parents and children need to take time for reflection (often by way of small moments of mindfulness), regulation, which encourages us to keep feelings in check rather than letting them spiral, Rules, which help provide the structure that children actually crave, and Repair for those moments when things just don't go well to help get the relationship back to a place of positivity and love.
Sounds like a lot? Well...Dr. Pressman's JUST getting started!
You see, to help you remember and shortcut these 5 elements in your day-to-day parenting life, you need an ACRONYM, of course - BALANCE. B is for Breathe, A for Acknowledge, L for Let it go, A for Assess, N for Notice, C for Connect, and E for Engage. Dr. Pressman refers to this as a "Parenting Passcode"...and in theory, this DOES sound like a comprehensive way to 'walk through the steps' as you traverse the daily challenges of parenting. The PROBLEM with this theory (and with much of this book in general) is that you are essentially supposed to go through the seven steps in a matter of mere minutes...or sometimes, even MOMENTS.
Now, I consider myself to be a pretty reflective and thoughtful person...but even the thought of trying to put this in practice several times a day EVERY day made me feel like I was about to break out in hives. If you struggle with anxiety WHATSOEVER... I honestly think you'll feel the same. As much as these steps are wonderful for getting grounded, with kids...there just isn't usually that kind of time. I sort of see this idealistic approach as one that might work out on a family sitcom, where everyone takes the time to TALK through situations and handle emotions in a more measured and thoughtful way. But again...that's FICTION, not reality.
Where Dr. Pressman DID make more of an impact for me, however, is with her shortened approach that includes (you guessed it!) a new acronym. Meet BAD: Breathe, Assess, Deal. Now THIS kind of thinking at least resonated with me because it feels more practical, especially in situations that require immediate action. Unfortunately, the reflection piece can sort of get lost here, and this advice essentially boils down to: take a breath and make a rational, evidence-based decision...which is sort of OBVIOUS advice, to say the least.
It's not to be said that there isn't some other moments of goodness here: Dr. Pressman is big into the mindfulness trend, and gives you tiny exercises to try at the end of every chapter, which would probably be helpful for newbies. (If you've read ANYTHING on the practice, though, it's not going to feel especially new.) The tips and tricks are grounded in the 5 principles, and the author is very 'mindful' (pardon the pun) to connect all of her statements and suggestions back to them. The unfortunate downside to this read, though, is that so much of what is discussed falls into two categories: fairly obvious advice, OR in-depth analysis and practices that seem like they would take until your child graduates from high school to truly master in any kind of effective way. This leaves the reader in a bit of a confused limbo, where you feel like you might need a full-on college course and a semester's worth of intense study to become a 'Balance' master...and let's say I couldn't see myself banging on the bursar's door begging for enrollment.
And while Dr. Pressman clearly has a solid methodology and framework for her 5 principles and there is certainly some helpful advice sprinkled in among a mountain of words and a jumble of letters, let's just say I already deal with enough acronyms at work...and for now, that's where I'd like them to stay.
3.5 stars
dnf
July 27, 2024There is some useful information in here, but it is certainly not a book meant to be read over a three-week loan period from the library. About 40 pages in, I feel like the "real" content has yet to start and it's still introducing itself. The organization is terrible, with frequent allusions to concepts then a side note that it will be discussed in more detail later and everything as far as I read felt like it wasn't detailed enough. I think it might be more useful as an owned book to refer to and read very slowly, but I don't know if I actually like it enough to buy it, especially in hard cover. Maybe this content is better distilled in podcast form, which is what it is adapted from.
May 25, 2024
The book is SUPER acronym-heavy in a way that interfered with my reading experience. Because I’ve listened to her podcast and read other parenting books and followed other parenting accounts on Instagram with similar philosophies, there wasn’t much new for me here and it felt basic. But, I enjoy thinking about parenting and it’s always good to reinforce concepts.
February 17, 2025
Okay first of all to my dearest 6 Goodreads friends, no we are not yet expecting. But as those conversations begin to unfold, I’m finding myself wanting a deeper understanding of what it means to be a good parent and, in so doing, a better life partner.
Dr. Pressman was a good introduction to this journey of becoming those things. I appreciate her recognition of the nuisances of parenthood, especially as our children mature, as well as her liberating reminder that yes, I too am indeed going to mess up.
Sometimes I found her examples to be a bit forced, her repeated BALANCE checklist belaboured, and her guided reflections quite unnecessary; but nevertheless this was a wonderful book to better prepare myself for this next great unknown.
Dr. Pressman was a good introduction to this journey of becoming those things. I appreciate her recognition of the nuisances of parenthood, especially as our children mature, as well as her liberating reminder that yes, I too am indeed going to mess up.
Sometimes I found her examples to be a bit forced, her repeated BALANCE checklist belaboured, and her guided reflections quite unnecessary; but nevertheless this was a wonderful book to better prepare myself for this next great unknown.
September 2, 2023
Title: "The 5 Principles of Parenting" by Aliza Pressman - A Compassionate Guide to Raising Good Humans
Introduction:
In this comprehensive book review, we explore "The 5 Principles of Parenting" by Dr. Aliza Pressman, a developmental psychologist and podcaster. Dr. Pressman offers a compassionate and reassuring approach to parenting in an age marked by high-pressure expectations. As a parent who values insightful book reviews, you'll find this guide to be a valuable resource for navigating the complexities of raising children in today's world.
Synopsis:
In a world where parents often feel the weight of societal pressures and the need to get everything "perfect" from the very beginning, Dr. Aliza Pressman steps in as a compassionate and knowledgeable guide. Her advice is distilled into five core principles that every parent can incorporate into their parenting journey: Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair.
"The 5 Principles of Parenting" doesn't adhere to a one-size-fits-all approach, recognizing that there's no single "right" way to raise good humans. Instead, Dr. Pressman encourages parents to embrace these principles while aligning them with their own values and their children's unique temperaments. Whether you're dealing with the challenges of toddlerhood or adolescence, these principles offer a manageable and adaptable framework for nurturing resilient children.
Dr. Pressman emphasizes the importance of practice and acknowledges that imperfection is a natural part of the parenting journey. Through these principles, parents can not only support their children's growth but also engage in a process of self-discovery and personal growth.
Key Elements:
1. **Compassionate Parenting**: Dr. Aliza Pressman's approach is marked by compassion and reassurance, offering parents a supportive and empathetic perspective on the challenges of raising children.
2. **Flexible Framework**: The book provides a flexible framework that allows parents to adapt the principles to their own family dynamics, values, and their children's unique personalities.
3. **Lifelong Learning**: "The 5 Principles of Parenting" recognizes that parenting is an ongoing journey of learning and growth, both for children and parents themselves.
4. **Resilience-Building**: The principles are designed to help parents foster resilience in their children, preparing them to thrive in an ever-changing world.
Social Media and Blogging Potential:
As someone who enjoys creating content for social media and blogging, "The 5 Principles of Parenting" offers numerous opportunities for engaging and informative content:
1. **Practical Tips**: Share practical tips and insights from the book on your social media platforms and blog. Offer examples of how these principles can be applied in real-life parenting situations.
2. **Parenting Stories**: Encourage your audience to share their own parenting stories and experiences, emphasizing the importance of embracing imperfection and growth.
3. **Author Interview**: If possible, consider reaching out to Dr. Aliza Pressman for an interview or feature on your blog or social media platforms. Explore her motivations for writing the book and her vision for compassionate parenting.
4. **Discussion Series**: Start a series of blog posts or social media discussions on each of the five principles, encouraging your audience to reflect on their parenting journey and share their insights.
Conclusion:
"The 5 Principles of Parenting" by Aliza Pressman is a compassionate and essential guide for parents seeking to navigate the complexities of raising good humans in a world filled with high expectations. As a dedicated book reviewer and content creator, you have the opportunity to introduce this invaluable resource to your audience and foster discussions about the importance of compassionate parenting and personal growth. This book not only provides guidance for nurturing resilient children but also encourages parents to embark on a journey of self-discovery and improvement. It is an excellent choice for your next book review and content creation endeavors.
Introduction:
In this comprehensive book review, we explore "The 5 Principles of Parenting" by Dr. Aliza Pressman, a developmental psychologist and podcaster. Dr. Pressman offers a compassionate and reassuring approach to parenting in an age marked by high-pressure expectations. As a parent who values insightful book reviews, you'll find this guide to be a valuable resource for navigating the complexities of raising children in today's world.
Synopsis:
In a world where parents often feel the weight of societal pressures and the need to get everything "perfect" from the very beginning, Dr. Aliza Pressman steps in as a compassionate and knowledgeable guide. Her advice is distilled into five core principles that every parent can incorporate into their parenting journey: Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair.
"The 5 Principles of Parenting" doesn't adhere to a one-size-fits-all approach, recognizing that there's no single "right" way to raise good humans. Instead, Dr. Pressman encourages parents to embrace these principles while aligning them with their own values and their children's unique temperaments. Whether you're dealing with the challenges of toddlerhood or adolescence, these principles offer a manageable and adaptable framework for nurturing resilient children.
Dr. Pressman emphasizes the importance of practice and acknowledges that imperfection is a natural part of the parenting journey. Through these principles, parents can not only support their children's growth but also engage in a process of self-discovery and personal growth.
Key Elements:
1. **Compassionate Parenting**: Dr. Aliza Pressman's approach is marked by compassion and reassurance, offering parents a supportive and empathetic perspective on the challenges of raising children.
2. **Flexible Framework**: The book provides a flexible framework that allows parents to adapt the principles to their own family dynamics, values, and their children's unique personalities.
3. **Lifelong Learning**: "The 5 Principles of Parenting" recognizes that parenting is an ongoing journey of learning and growth, both for children and parents themselves.
4. **Resilience-Building**: The principles are designed to help parents foster resilience in their children, preparing them to thrive in an ever-changing world.
Social Media and Blogging Potential:
As someone who enjoys creating content for social media and blogging, "The 5 Principles of Parenting" offers numerous opportunities for engaging and informative content:
1. **Practical Tips**: Share practical tips and insights from the book on your social media platforms and blog. Offer examples of how these principles can be applied in real-life parenting situations.
2. **Parenting Stories**: Encourage your audience to share their own parenting stories and experiences, emphasizing the importance of embracing imperfection and growth.
3. **Author Interview**: If possible, consider reaching out to Dr. Aliza Pressman for an interview or feature on your blog or social media platforms. Explore her motivations for writing the book and her vision for compassionate parenting.
4. **Discussion Series**: Start a series of blog posts or social media discussions on each of the five principles, encouraging your audience to reflect on their parenting journey and share their insights.
Conclusion:
"The 5 Principles of Parenting" by Aliza Pressman is a compassionate and essential guide for parents seeking to navigate the complexities of raising good humans in a world filled with high expectations. As a dedicated book reviewer and content creator, you have the opportunity to introduce this invaluable resource to your audience and foster discussions about the importance of compassionate parenting and personal growth. This book not only provides guidance for nurturing resilient children but also encourages parents to embark on a journey of self-discovery and improvement. It is an excellent choice for your next book review and content creation endeavors.
March 18, 2024
It took just a bit for me to get used to the flow of this book. I felt overwhelmed with short sections, several acronyms, and multiple key questions in every chapter. But, once she introduced the BALANCE approach, I found a lot of useful insight.
December 7, 2025
Helpful nuggets in here for kids of all ages. I think it’s better as a reference book than something to read all in one go. I think I will refer to these concepts again and again. It was reassuring in many ways!
August 23, 2024
3.5 ⭐️ I listened as an audiobook though this book would definitely be better to have a physical copy to reference over the years. Mixed feelings on the info but majority is helpful.
February 28, 2025
I wish I had read this when the kids were younger. I had no idea how much of parenting would be about managing my own big feelings and parenting from a place of balance. All in all, this book made me feel better about how I've done so far, while also giving me some good ideas to take with me the rest of the way.
Edited to add: listened to this on Libby
Edited to add: listened to this on Libby
August 8, 2024
This really is the one parenting book I'd recommend if you only wanted to read one. I've been listening to Dr. Aliza's podcast for a while now and there are definite repetitions in this book but I don't see that as a problem. If anything, it's great because those are likely lessons I need repeated. I could see returning to this book in a few years once my kids are older and my parenting priorities have shifted. But her basic principles will remain.
February 17, 2024
Watch my full review here! https://youtu.be/WbB0_Jc_vqM
I cannot recommend this book enough. For every parent, or parent-to-be, this book helps with ALL stages of childhood, infants to teens, and I learned so many helpful tips. I listened to this book courtesy of Simon and Schuster audio and I will be re-listening as I value this book so much and I know I will want to reference certain parts in the future.
I cannot recommend this book enough. For every parent, or parent-to-be, this book helps with ALL stages of childhood, infants to teens, and I learned so many helpful tips. I listened to this book courtesy of Simon and Schuster audio and I will be re-listening as I value this book so much and I know I will want to reference certain parts in the future.
April 22, 2024
Really appreciated that grounding yourself and breathing was the key behind everything. I’ll probably buy this so I can refer to it when needed (and also to remember the 10000 acronyms). The audiobook, read by the author, was great though! Especially when being guided through different exercises.
March 19, 2024
Highly recommend this parenting book! Dr. Aliza delivers a compassionate, scientific, and helpful way to approach parenting.
March 29, 2024
I just wish some of the sections were longer
April 5, 2024
Honestly, I skimmed this one more than read every word... but I found it to have some very good points and suggestions and strategies.
June 6, 2024
The best parenting / self help book I have ever read.
June 21, 2024
Practical, science-backed parenting advice across situations and ages.
August 10, 2024
Very helpful information but will probably be more useful when I have an actual child to parent. I should’ve gotten a baby book 🤣 I’ll definitely have this on hand when baby boy is older!
October 2, 2024
Didn’t finish. Got very repetitive. Really liked the messaging around resilient kids borrowing stability from their parents when they need it. Overall seemed great but didn’t keep my interest before the library hold expired
October 21, 2025
Good info but overstuffed with topics which made it feel overwhelming.
January 24, 2024
ARC provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
Highlights were the chapters The Screen-Time Generation and Sex, Gender, and Sexuality. Phone introduction and contract in the Appendix were also excellent.
Highlights were the chapters The Screen-Time Generation and Sex, Gender, and Sexuality. Phone introduction and contract in the Appendix were also excellent.
January 2, 2026
Excellent. A parenting book I’d actually recommend. Seems to distill the best, current advice (including the evidence-backed) for busy parents.
April 10, 2024
I read this new release because I have been listening to the author's podcast for years. She has some excellent parenting advice that I've been able to successfully put into practice with my kids. I do think that the book is better for parents with younger kids (mine are all teenagers) since a lot of her specific examples are for babies, toddlers and tweens. Still a good read though!
October 12, 2024
Some good (basic) advice, but a number of things don’t resonate with my parenting style. I appreciate that she’s trying to alleviate parenting guilt. But repeated attempts to discredit attachment parenting, paired with “do whatever you want, because it doesn’t really matter” (in regards to feeding, sleep, etc) fell flat for me. Her take on authoritative parenting was still too rules-based for me, and the expectation that kids *should* sleep through the night isn’t examined at all. While I love conclusions based on solid science, a lot of the “evidence” in the book is flimsy or skimmed over, and I’m very glad I’ve read so many other sources so I know what tracks and what doesn’t.
Probably some good basics if you haven’t read much self-help or parenting advice before. And I liked a couple of the games that were suggested for emotional support and development.
Probably some good basics if you haven’t read much self-help or parenting advice before. And I liked a couple of the games that were suggested for emotional support and development.
June 20, 2024
This book really met me where I am at in my parenting journey. I read so much about kid development, but not so much about the parental development that happens as parents. Felt valuable and almost like a counselling experience in a book. I felt seen and have already started to implement my learnings. I am already seeing a shift in my emotional regulation capabilities.
June 22, 2024
A book that’s just not for me, but everyone’s mileage will vary. To me it felt like, if you’ve had therapy as an adult, you don’t need this confusing jumble of acronyms. But if you haven’t worked through your own stuff and you know it’s interfering with your parenting, this is probably a gold mine.
September 16, 2024
I am not a huge fan of parenting books.. but I really enjoyed this book. Dr. Aliza Pressman is very real and I learned a lot from her. I love how she says you might not use some of the information shared in this book because every family is different. Also- my daughter loves the magic elevator game.
February 17, 2024
Memorable messages:
Trees exhale for us so that we can inhale them to stay alive. -Munia Khan
Human freedom involves our capacity to pause between stimulus and response and, in that pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight.
BALANCE
Breathe
Acknowledge
Let it go
Assess
Notice
Connect
Engage
BAD
Breathe
Assess
Deal
It is okay to share your feelings with your children. In fact, it is better for your kids to know you have those feelings and that you know what you are going to do than for them to just notice that something is wrong and have to wonder.
All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.
Kids don’t need their feelings fixed; they just need to know that we love them through the whole range of feelings that they have, so that as they grow they can also grow their ability to handle those feelings well, handle them effectively, and handle them in a way that brings relief and does no harm.
The perfectionism monster is the part of our striving that beats us up if we don’t get things right on the first try and that may leave us so worried about messing up that we don’t even try. When we are steeped in perfectionism, we can’t enjoy all the things we actually do well.
Perfectionism is having unrealistically high expectations, coupled with overly critical self-evaluations.
The Frost Scale includes six dimensions of perfectionism:
Extreme concern about making mistakes
Super-high personal standard
The sense that your own parents expect a lot from you (whether it is objectively true or not)
The sense that your own parents are highly critical (again, it doesn’t matter whether they would agree)
A lot of doubt about whether you’ve done things “right”
An excessive preference for order and organization
An interesting test for yourself is to notice whether you are able to enjoy your achievements or if you keep raising the bar for yourself.
A powerful antidote to perfectionism is simply flipping the light onto it. You can say, to yourself or to your kids, “Wow, we are smart and we didn’t get that right. Good thing we are learning that smart people make mistakes – that is how we get smarter.”
Our job as parents is to help our children feel unconditionally loved so their self-esteem doesn’t rest on the splendor of their accomplishments.
The more our kids get to see us making mistakes and learning from them, the more they will come to understand that life isn’t about getting things right the first time. Disappointment is natural, but taking the fear out of failing means remembering that imperfect people are worthy of love. Imperfect people are successful. Imperfect people are, well, all of us. Imperfection makes us human.
Luck vs skill: both winning and losing are temporary, and certain abilities grow with time and effort. Some games are just based on luck.
Praise effort, not outcome. Turn losses into motivation to get better. Focus praise on improvement (including good sportsmanship) and strategies used, not outcomes.
Practice makes progress.
Encourage empathy. One person‘s win means someone else lost. Be sensitive when things don’t go well for someone else.
Engage kids in expectations and consequences by asking, “What do you think the consequences should be if you don’t follow this plan?”
Name it (emotions) to tame it. Say it to slay it. Label and stabilize your own moods, too.
Humans, like strong trees, can sway without snapping.
Instead of “practice makes perfect” think “effort makes evolution.”
Promote a growth mindset by using the word “yet.”
Trees exhale for us so that we can inhale them to stay alive. -Munia Khan
Human freedom involves our capacity to pause between stimulus and response and, in that pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight.
BALANCE
Breathe
Acknowledge
Let it go
Assess
Notice
Connect
Engage
BAD
Breathe
Assess
Deal
It is okay to share your feelings with your children. In fact, it is better for your kids to know you have those feelings and that you know what you are going to do than for them to just notice that something is wrong and have to wonder.
All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.
Kids don’t need their feelings fixed; they just need to know that we love them through the whole range of feelings that they have, so that as they grow they can also grow their ability to handle those feelings well, handle them effectively, and handle them in a way that brings relief and does no harm.
The perfectionism monster is the part of our striving that beats us up if we don’t get things right on the first try and that may leave us so worried about messing up that we don’t even try. When we are steeped in perfectionism, we can’t enjoy all the things we actually do well.
Perfectionism is having unrealistically high expectations, coupled with overly critical self-evaluations.
The Frost Scale includes six dimensions of perfectionism:
Extreme concern about making mistakes
Super-high personal standard
The sense that your own parents expect a lot from you (whether it is objectively true or not)
The sense that your own parents are highly critical (again, it doesn’t matter whether they would agree)
A lot of doubt about whether you’ve done things “right”
An excessive preference for order and organization
An interesting test for yourself is to notice whether you are able to enjoy your achievements or if you keep raising the bar for yourself.
A powerful antidote to perfectionism is simply flipping the light onto it. You can say, to yourself or to your kids, “Wow, we are smart and we didn’t get that right. Good thing we are learning that smart people make mistakes – that is how we get smarter.”
Our job as parents is to help our children feel unconditionally loved so their self-esteem doesn’t rest on the splendor of their accomplishments.
The more our kids get to see us making mistakes and learning from them, the more they will come to understand that life isn’t about getting things right the first time. Disappointment is natural, but taking the fear out of failing means remembering that imperfect people are worthy of love. Imperfect people are successful. Imperfect people are, well, all of us. Imperfection makes us human.
Luck vs skill: both winning and losing are temporary, and certain abilities grow with time and effort. Some games are just based on luck.
Praise effort, not outcome. Turn losses into motivation to get better. Focus praise on improvement (including good sportsmanship) and strategies used, not outcomes.
Practice makes progress.
Encourage empathy. One person‘s win means someone else lost. Be sensitive when things don’t go well for someone else.
Engage kids in expectations and consequences by asking, “What do you think the consequences should be if you don’t follow this plan?”
Name it (emotions) to tame it. Say it to slay it. Label and stabilize your own moods, too.
Humans, like strong trees, can sway without snapping.
Instead of “practice makes perfect” think “effort makes evolution.”
Promote a growth mindset by using the word “yet.”
May 31, 2024
There's good principles in here, and it conveniently uses alliteration as a mnemonic...Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair lead to Resilience. Good parenting strategies overall, I don't have a problem with these principles, and I think it would be good for someone that doesn't really know where to start in parenting (maybe new parents, or parents who have trouble connecting with their kids). It really gets down to basics and uses these principles in addressing a whole host of issues. This book covers a LOT-not just these principles, but also perfectionism (in parents as well as kids), dealing with disappointment, play, eating, sleeping, friends, gender and sexuality, screen-time...of course, not super in-depth, each one of these topics could be a book in itself!
The main helpful lessons I got were: 1) let your kids experience disappointment and help them learn how to process it and practice 'not getting what they want', which is inevitable in life at some point or other 2) don't over-praise, it can have the opposite effect on self-esteem; praise strategy and effort, rather than outcome 3) develop their tolerance for discomfort and understand that feelings aren't to be avoided 4) it's ok to have feelings, but it's not ok to always act out on those feelings 5) model regulation, and co-regulate with your child to teach them how to regulate when their feelings are overwhelming them 5) it's ok if you're not hitting the "good parenting targets" all the time, just having a general 'more often than not' is good enough to still make a good impact 6) a lot of fixing problems in kids starts with fixing problems in yourself as a parent first.
I didn't rate the book higher because I found the mindfulness/meditation/positive self-talk exercises and the many acronyms for how to respond in different cases as little too hokey, and there's a lot of these things. Maybe these things work for other people, but I find them a little ridiculous.
I did enjoy reading about the various psychological studies that have been done over the years though (maybe going through the Psychology class with Erin this year has piqued my interest in psychology.)
To me, this book seemed to be a mix of psychological studies, parenting advice, and meditation/mindfulness techniques, and mainly I enjoyed the psychological studies. (Maybe because my kids are already grown and I've read enough other parenting books that I didn't think this was anything that different, just a different way of framing it so that they all start with R.)
The main helpful lessons I got were: 1) let your kids experience disappointment and help them learn how to process it and practice 'not getting what they want', which is inevitable in life at some point or other 2) don't over-praise, it can have the opposite effect on self-esteem; praise strategy and effort, rather than outcome 3) develop their tolerance for discomfort and understand that feelings aren't to be avoided 4) it's ok to have feelings, but it's not ok to always act out on those feelings 5) model regulation, and co-regulate with your child to teach them how to regulate when their feelings are overwhelming them 5) it's ok if you're not hitting the "good parenting targets" all the time, just having a general 'more often than not' is good enough to still make a good impact 6) a lot of fixing problems in kids starts with fixing problems in yourself as a parent first.
I didn't rate the book higher because I found the mindfulness/meditation/positive self-talk exercises and the many acronyms for how to respond in different cases as little too hokey, and there's a lot of these things. Maybe these things work for other people, but I find them a little ridiculous.
I did enjoy reading about the various psychological studies that have been done over the years though (maybe going through the Psychology class with Erin this year has piqued my interest in psychology.)
To me, this book seemed to be a mix of psychological studies, parenting advice, and meditation/mindfulness techniques, and mainly I enjoyed the psychological studies. (Maybe because my kids are already grown and I've read enough other parenting books that I didn't think this was anything that different, just a different way of framing it so that they all start with R.)
October 25, 2024
Watched the interview of about an hour. Not read the book itself. But the advices are quite understandable and insightful, as well as so many great describing that made me feel now I understand what exactly I should do or shouldn’t (for example, being a cat, after being a dog parenting after 11yo). Easy to imagine so I feel I can try.
Details are great unlike other shallow advices, she explains many common mistakes and difficulties of balances and what are just right for your children. Every child is different and adults have to observe who they’re and adjust ourselves towards them with good efforts and also saying this is what I can do.
Our behavior matters more than what we’re saying as children have limitation of listening, they’re seeing us not listen what we say to understand he situation and what they should do, like we watch flight attendants calm behavior and facial expression to calm us when turbulence occurs on a plane.
Set the limit so that children can test their limits and make some mistakes and still there’s some buffer. Allowing children to do anything is wrong. If you do so, there’s no limit children can test. They need to test the limits their parents set. So they may go extreme without rules being set by parents.
Teenagers need you physically like toddlers. Just how to be there for them is different (Cat vs Dog). You can’t say like ok, you do those, I go this way, have fun. Don’t drink too much, take Uber. Bye.
No. Instead, You’re there. You welcome your children home. Check their eyes. You can see if there’s something wrong in their eyes.
Talk before they make mistakes. This is my expectation for you. But, these things going to happen and you are going to make mistakes. Come to me in that case. Talk to me. I’ll
help you. Explain the effect of drugs, alcohol, social media in advance. Tell the difference between binge drinking and just sipping a bit. Set the limit for their good even though they won’t thank you. they will thank you when they get older, at least 25-28, when their frontal lobe matures. Before that, 11-18, they push you, reject you, and ignore the limit you set for them. But that’s the stage they have to have. 18-25, boys brain may develop few years later. But anyway, once your children got independent they will thank you.
Confidence is based on competence; they can cook, can do DIY, and can put away dishes, etc. Not supposed to be playing Violin or amazing sports player. You can’t say see their passion, when your children are interested in something you can do, teach them. Great way to spend time together.
Details are great unlike other shallow advices, she explains many common mistakes and difficulties of balances and what are just right for your children. Every child is different and adults have to observe who they’re and adjust ourselves towards them with good efforts and also saying this is what I can do.
Our behavior matters more than what we’re saying as children have limitation of listening, they’re seeing us not listen what we say to understand he situation and what they should do, like we watch flight attendants calm behavior and facial expression to calm us when turbulence occurs on a plane.
Set the limit so that children can test their limits and make some mistakes and still there’s some buffer. Allowing children to do anything is wrong. If you do so, there’s no limit children can test. They need to test the limits their parents set. So they may go extreme without rules being set by parents.
Teenagers need you physically like toddlers. Just how to be there for them is different (Cat vs Dog). You can’t say like ok, you do those, I go this way, have fun. Don’t drink too much, take Uber. Bye.
No. Instead, You’re there. You welcome your children home. Check their eyes. You can see if there’s something wrong in their eyes.
Talk before they make mistakes. This is my expectation for you. But, these things going to happen and you are going to make mistakes. Come to me in that case. Talk to me. I’ll
help you. Explain the effect of drugs, alcohol, social media in advance. Tell the difference between binge drinking and just sipping a bit. Set the limit for their good even though they won’t thank you. they will thank you when they get older, at least 25-28, when their frontal lobe matures. Before that, 11-18, they push you, reject you, and ignore the limit you set for them. But that’s the stage they have to have. 18-25, boys brain may develop few years later. But anyway, once your children got independent they will thank you.
Confidence is based on competence; they can cook, can do DIY, and can put away dishes, etc. Not supposed to be playing Violin or amazing sports player. You can’t say see their passion, when your children are interested in something you can do, teach them. Great way to spend time together.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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