Ithaka: A Daughter's Memoir Of Being Found

by Sarah Saffian

”Hello, is Sarah Saffian there?” asks the voice on the other end of the line. ”My name is Hannah Morgan. I think I'm your birth mother.” So begins this powerful memoir by a young woman whose life changes dramatically when she receives a phone call from someone at once a stranger and her most intimate relation. Saffian's riveting story of painful self-discovery and newfound joy is unique in its reversal of the usual adoption here, the biological parents seek out the adoptee. Weaving together letters, journal entries, memories and relections, Saffian tells of her adoption, her adoptive mother's death six years later, and her upbringing in a loving family. She learns that her biological parents ended up marrying and having other children. She is thus faced with an entire family to whom she is genetically linked. Saffian's boldly honest account reaches a moving climax with their reunion, three years after the first phone call. Along the way, it raises thorny What is a family? Can we have more than one? What is the line between parental concern and intrusion? Is it hypocritical to be a pro-choice adoptee? How do nature and nurture work together to form a person's identity? By turns earnest and playful, A Daughter's Memoir of Being Found is sure to touch readers everywhere who have grappled with who they are.Sarah Saffian is a former reporter for the New York Daily News and has also written for the Village Voice, Interview, Harper's Bazaar, and Mirabella. She holds a B.A. from Brown University and an M.F.A. from Columbia University, and lives in her native New York City.

Genres: Adoption, Memoir, Nonfiction, Autobiography

320 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1998

Reviews

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish my birth daughter would read this book. This book was helpful for me to be able to understand (a little) where she is coming from & why she doesn't want any contact with me at this point. I think all birth parents & adoptees should read it.

[Suzanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although this memoir has all the raw material to be very compelling, I can't even tell you how many times I just wanted to shout at the author "Stop thinking about everything so much and just realize how lucky you are to have two families that love you so much!"

[Jschiersch · Rating 4 out of 5]

Took a memoir class from Sarah a few years ago at the U of Iowa's summer program. She was interesting, helpful, funny, empathetic and even offered to help us do editing of our work after the class was over. Hope she is still helping amateur writers hone their skills.....

[Priscilla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like the author, I too was adopted in 1969. Instead of having been found, I searched, with mixed results. I think Saffian does not realize how fortunate she is to have been loved and wanted by both sets of parents, adoptive and biological. She has no idea how devastating a second rejection can be. Although her experience and perspective is very different from my own, it was interesting to follow her narrative to see what, if anything, she had learned, how she had changed.

A good first pass at what it feels like to be adopted that is by no means universal.

On the other hand, I must say if anyone can bemoan being wanted, it is Saffian. Saffian admits in the afterword that she has been "surprised" to find that many adoptees consider her attitude toward her birthparents "ungrateful". While Saffian is not always forgiving or sympathetic towards them, she is nevertheless honest about her own experience. Just when I nearly gave up on Saffian and her memoir for its myopic tendencies, Saffian started seeing a therapist and expanding her horizons and becoming a little more self-aware and almost, yes almost, likeable.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title of this book is taken from C. P. Cavafy’s poem, “Ithaka,” which was read at Jacqueline Kennedy’s funeral. “Keep Ithaka always in your mind. Arriving there is what you are destined for, But do not hurry the journey at all. Better if it lasts for years, so you are old by the time you reach the island, wealthy with all you have gained on the way, not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.” Sarah Saffian recounts her journey over 2 ½ years in getting to know her birth parents. Born Susan Morgan to Hannah and Adam, an unmarried college student couple, she was given for adoption and re-named Sarah Saffian. When she was 24 years old, her birth mother found her; this is the story of their budding and growing relationship. Sarah grew up in a close family, now composed of her adoptive father, his second wife whom Sarah calls Mom, and her younger brother and sister of this second marriage. She isn’t sure she wants to meet Adam and Hannah, who eventually married, had three other children, and live in Hanover, NH. Beautifully written, this account tells of the changes in their outlooks and attitudes through two years plus of correspondence before they finally meet.

[Angela Nixon · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an adoptee, this book was very moving for me. I have often wondered how I would react if my birth parents suddenly appeared in my life, so it was interesting to read someone's account of that happening. I would definitely recommend this book to other adoptees, as well as adoptive parents and birth parents who gave a child up. But keep the Kleenex handy.

[Brendabor · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have experienced or are considering adoption, you should read this book! It really captures the complexities of being adopted and balancing relationships with birth parents and adoptive parents.

[Lori · Rating 3 out of 5]

Started off well. Very engrossing and interesting. But then became repetitive and slow. The pay off in the end was too brief and more of an epilogue.

[Jeffrey Schwartz · Rating 1 out of 5]

Don't bother! A autobiographical story of an adopted daughter's reunion with her biological parents after they locate her as a young adult with a loving adopted family. Sounded good but the author is so self-centered and caught up in her own feelings of preciousness that it is a distasteful disaster, and ugly. When her biological parents find and contact her, she is so upset that they phoned her that she makes them wait three years before she will actually visit their family. After all, she has to adjust. I should have quit early; worse than a waste of my time.

[Robyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full disclosure : I read this through the eyes of an adoptive mother.

The writing was excellent, precise and ample without being too wordy. Saffian brings the reader on her journey and invites us to be contemplative about adoptees’/birth parents rights in a way I have not considered before. We witness her process the trauma of the phone call and how she falls apart and rediscovers who she is. Very well done!

[Marisa Ramel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fascinating memoir about a daughter who receives a phone call in her twenties from her biological mother. One of those books that proves that reality truly is stranger--and often more compelling--than fiction.

[Elsa Wolf · Rating 2 out of 5]

While heartfelt, this story was difficult for me to get through because of the style of writing. However, I would still recommend it to people who are trying to comprehend their personal adoption. It's an interesting perspective.

[Kiki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Poignant and touching true story of the author’s experience. Her deft and descriptive telling brought me to feel much of her emotions. I enjoyed this book thorougly!

[Terra Wolski · Rating 3 out of 5]

52BC - Title is 10 letters or less

[Julia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to read some non-fiction books after all those science fiction/adventure ones I've been reading, so I picked up two biographies. This one is about a woman who had been adopted as a baby, and years later around her 24th birthday her birth mother calls her. Its a bit different of a perspective for her to have been found by her birth parents rather than for her to search for them. It explores her confusion and emotions at this experience. Another unusual aspect of this woman's situation is that after her birth parents gave her up for adoption, they later married and had three more children. As a sociologist (I claim to be one so my degree isn't a total waste) I was interested to read in what ways she was similar to her birth parents compared to her adoptive family. It delves into that aspect of nurture/nature which is always interesting to learn about. Although that idea is probably a bit outdated, because there really are so many influences that make us who we are. Plus we do have some choice in how we turn out as well.

[Holly · Rating 1 out of 5]

It's been a few years since I read this book, but as a reunited adoptee, my dislike for this book burns brightly. The journey to one's parents or they to you, is pretty epic stuff; it is a literary vein of gold. And yet, this author manages to squander all the material fate delivers her. She shows herself to be a vainglorious cool kid who turns up her nose at her biological parents, deciding her adoptive family to be, well, just better. It's a middle school effort and it does nobody in this tale any justice.

[Jim Lavis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I registered to take a writing workshop with this author, so I thought I should read one of her books before attending the workshop. This memoir is a story about a woman that put her daughter up for adoption and the challenges they have finding each other and reuniting after 27 years. it's truly a well written book, but the experiences she had were so different from the experience I had finding my birth family. I believe this woman is a bit of a control freak, so we'll see how the workshop goes. It should be interesting to say the least. I'm looking forward to it.

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book isn't just for adoptees and their adoptive families. I think its about families and relationships in general. the author doesn't jump into a sudden relationship with her birth family but carefully examines her feelings about her childhood and her parents--both adoptive and birth before going for a visit. I liked the author and found her story engrossing. Its a quick read.

[Erika · Rating 3 out of 5]

a bit whiney for me but she is a good writer and the topic was interesting really fast reading