But I Love Him

by Kayla Lowe

Elena Moore has always believed in love. In forgiveness. In keeping her vows—even when it hurts.

To the outside world, she has the perfect a beautiful home, a devoted husband, and a picture-perfect life built on faith. But behind closed doors, Elena hides bruises—on her skin, in her spirit, and deep within her soul. Derek's anger always comes with an apology. His fists with flowers. His silence with tears. And every time, Elena tells herself the same But I love him.

As the abuse escalates, Elena's carefully constructed world begins to crumble. Friends disappear. Her faith dims. And the woman she once was fades into a shell of quiet survival. Bound by fear and the belief that God expects her to endure, Elena walks a harrowing path of silence and shame—until a single moment shatters everything.

Left broken in a hospital bed, she comes face-to-face with the truth she's long love should not leave scars.

Told in raw, intimate first-person prose, But I Love Him is a deeply moving story of a woman's descent into darkness—and the powerful hand of God that pulls her back into the light. It's a story for anyone who has ever confused control with love, silence with strength, or sacrifice with salvation.

Sometimes the most courageous prayer is the one that says, "Lord, save me."

Genres: Christian Fiction

234 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 20, 2025

About the author

Award-winning author Kayla Lowe writes women's fiction that explores complex themes with sensitivity and depth. Kayla’s books delve into the intricacies of relationships, self-discovery, and resilience. From cozy love stories interspersed with a bit of faith to heartwarming tales of friendship and suspenseful novels of empowerment and heartbreak, her books illustrate the struggles specific to women.

When she’s not churning out her next novel, you can find her with her feet in the sand and a book in her hand or curled up on the couch with her dogs.

Go to www.authorkaylalowe.com for a free book!

Reviews

[Melody Tregear · Rating 3 out of 5]

Finding freedom after abuse

This type of story is never easy to read but the author deals with it honestly and with minimal graphic descriptions. Yet she still managed to convey the horror of the abuse. At times the writing is so eloquent and for a good portion of the book my rating was going to be higher than where it ended up. That's because the latter part of the book unraveled somewhat with a few repetitions, contradictory statements, lack of closure, etc. Her relationship with her mom was briefly mentioned. We don't know if she ever got her Bible back? Did she forgive him? We don't know if they still married or divorced. Why is she taking a bus to an interview when she has a car? Lots of little issues in the latter part of the book that was sloppy. Like it was either rushed during writing or editing or both. You may feel differently.

[June De]

Fantastic read

This book was really thought provoking. It had me on the edge of my seat all the way through as I wondered what Derek's next move to hurt her would be... and if she would ever be strong enough to leave him.

[Deb F. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Brings back memories best forgotten

If you have lived through an abusive relationship, this story will bring back terrible memories. The only important thing I can say, if you see yourself in this book, it portrays a terrible abusive relationship, get out while you still can. Go tell someone what is really going on and get out.. We all think of all the reasons we can't leave an abusive relationship but the abuse is real. If you have children don't stay to make sure they grow up with both parents in the home. You're teaching them they aren't worth being loved the way God wants each of us to be loved by the person who swore to love us & this isn't how God wants a marriage to be. The man in this story twisted God's pure word and God's love for each of His children. God Love is pure & we are worthy of that love. You can't just pick out the part of the verse that fits your view.
I try to review the author with praise for the good book I just read. I would not have given such a harsh review if I hadn't read her words at the end, I am not quoting because if I go back to get her exact words, I will lose this review, what I read she said , I hope you enjoyed reading this book as much as I enjoyed writing it.
No, I did not enjoy it at all. Sorry to offend but this is the review I can give.

[Bee · Rating 5 out of 5]

But I Love Him by Kayla Lowe is a definite page turner. I couldn’t put the book down. The storyline of domestic abuse is compellingly realistic. Kayla captures the progression of mental, emotional, spiritual and eventual physical abuse perpetrated against women. Elena's "spiritual journey from captivity to freedom, from distorted faith to authentic connection" will capture your heart. You will developed a newfound respect and awe of women who make it out alive.

I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.

[Raylene Weber · Rating 5 out of 5]

This a story of the life of Elane and breaking the chain that was put there over the last five years of her marriage. It take a journey of her life from before and today. Shows how she made it to where she is now. The journey is a hard one with the abuse and finding oneself. Enjoy the story as ii a good one.

I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.

[Lilian · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not an easy book to stomach as the plot is weaved around domestic abuse. We see Elena suffering at the hands of her husband Derek, with his harsh words, his cold behaviour and eventually with physical abuse.

When she finally finds the courage to fight back, it isn’t an easy path. It was inspiring to see how she learnt to love herself again, as she embarks on her journey to reclaim what she had lost.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such an incredibly powerful book! I was captivated by this story and the journey that Elena was on from the beginning. I loved seeing her recognition of the situation to her taking control and thriving. Having lived through abuse I could easily relate to her story.

I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.

[Becki · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very well written. I haven't read a full book in a while and this one had me hooked. Kayla did a really good job of showing how abuse is all encompassing. She also did a good job of showing that although some churches are not educated on trauma, there are Christians out there who are and God never permits abuse

[Lisa Ens · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very repetitive in the first half of the book, could have skipped chapters 2-16 and wouldn’t have missed out on much of the story line. Kept reading because I wanted to see how she escaped the abuse, but it was a pretty standard story of a victim being trapped in the cycle of abuse, nearly dying before realizing that it’s not ok, and taking the courageous step to walk away.

[Joy E Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

An Engaging Story of Love Gone Horribly Wrong

The author did an excellent job of telling the story of a young woman's struggle to find her true self in an abusive marriage. Ultimately, she realized and experienced the true love of her Heavenly Father.
Very well written.

[Geraldine Rubin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read

I cannot imagine the full extent of what a person experiences when in a controlling abusive relationship but this author brought out just a piece of what many encounters daily!
Well written

[Teri · Rating 3 out of 5]

My life in a book! Very healing for me. That is until the new pastor. Brother Mark is a she? Just too much of a stretch. Especially because it is faith based.
Was going to give it a 2 but the rest was so good I raised it to a 3. Would have been a 5 without the lgbtqrstuv twist.
Sorry.

[June De Wit · Rating 5 out of 5]

Elena lived a life of fear of her husband, Derek. I was on the edge of my seat all through reading it, wondering what awful thing Derek would do next. I was always wondering when, or if, Elena would have the courage to stand up to him. And if she did that, would she survive?

[Bookworm · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibly captivating and empowering story of a young woman who is fortunate and courageous enough to survive the ordeal!

[patricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I have read in a while, emotional, spiritual and healing, I couldn’t put it down

[Donna Kale · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was good

[Shannon Bolton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read the whole book in a day. My heart went out to the main character and I had to know what happened to her.

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why is it that we can see ourselves in a character in a book, but not acknowledge it in our own life? How easy to tell others to leave, but in life, we stay.
I must admit that I had to take a few breaks just to still my mind. In the beginning Derek's actions looked innocuous until it wasn't. I relate that to my zombie days, not being cooped in, but that my thoughts and words were made to seem irrelevant. What hit me in the face were the words, "loving others at the expense of myself isn't holy sacrifice, but slow suicide."
This is no way a happy romance, but definitely a must read for those in a mental abuse situation or knows of someone who is. It is not a self-help book, but an acknowledgement of how easy one falls into this pattern.

[Yohana Ekky Tan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I began reading at 10 a.m. and finished at 10 p.m.—in 12 hours! I couldn’t stop. I was so hooked and could actually feel what Elena felt. Every word, every description felt so real that I sometimes held my breath. I never thought I’d ever read a violence-themed book, but this one teaches every woman about redefining faith and understanding who God really is—not the way one would want Him to be. So, I highly recommend this book! Thank you, Kayla, for a wonderful piece of art infused with faith. God bless you!