Where the Duck is Minerva McGonagall?

by Rogue_Roxy

Welcome to a somewhat serious inquiry into the whereabouts of a very sneaky witch.

Hermione Granger (badass Auror working for MACUSA) has been summoned back to Britain by Kingsley Shacklebolt to help with an investigation. Of course, Hermione agrees; working with Harry again is going to be so much fun… only, it turns out that Harry is unavailable, and unfortunately, she gets stuck with Draco Malfoy.

Warnings:
- Hold onto your gold; there is a Niffler in this story.
- Draco Malfoy reserves the right to cast Aguamentis at hair he deems offensive.
- Whatever is said in the Cave of Plunderous Intent, stays in the Cave of Plunderous Intent.
- Approach any wine provided by the Icelandic Legend Erla with extreme caution.

Genres: Fan Fiction, Romance, Fantasy

755 pages, ebook

Published May 12, 2025

Reviews

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a funny, feel good story 🥰🥰
The take on this was so refreshing.

[Cecilia Royo · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fun read to end the year… Holworth needs an honorable mention 😂

[Tori B]

this was so fucking funny

[Lian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Silly, funny & a ML who’s down bad for the MC. What more could u want from a fanfic? 🤌🏼

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

man weiß man ist im leseloch angekommen wenn man harry potter fan fictions liest aber das war ehrlich so gut darum no regrets

[Athena Crooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

so funny, so clever, loved every second of it!!!

[Jessica Kate Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s fics like this that are the reason I will never ever ever stop reading fanfiction. Non published writing is some of the best I’ve read and this is no exception.

This is hall of famer girlies.

Petition to have a niffler in every fic - enjoy this as much as I did: “Last time I build you a fucking treehouse, you violent excuse for a handbag.”

[Luisa]

I love all Dramiones and will forever read every single one of them. This fic is fun, flirty, light, filled with great banter, and has a ton of comedic relief. This is my second fic from Roxy, and it was everything I remembered loving from Oops, I Joined the Good Guys. Fastpaced, funny chapter names (which tbh I LOVED because it made remembering what happened in each chapter so easy), lots of internal thoughts, and different POVs.

I also adore a flirty, sarcastic Draco who’s willing to do absolutely anything to make Hermione see him. And Dodger the Niffler? I’m obsessed. He was adorable AND pretty important for the plot.

The story itself was super entertaining. Minerva goes missing, so Hermione has to come back from the USA (she originally ended up in Australia thanks to an illegal portkey from Draco) to England to find her. She ends up paired with Draco, who has secretly been in love with her forever, hence the portkey 10 years ago. Because of this, it’s not an ETL fic. So if you’re looking for huge realizations, yearning, or angst… this isn’t that vibe.

Hermione’s personality is very different here. She’s more Slytherin coded, which I didn’t 100% buy. She’s confident, cunning, rule-bendy, and extremely bossy (spicy bossy though lol). Everyone else’s personalities, even though they’re almost 30, feel very teenagery. Lots of yelling-to-make-someone-flustered, pranks, zero communication, and very dramatic internal monologues. It’s super on brand for Roxy’s style, and while it made total sense in Oops (since they were still in school), it’s a bit sillier here. Still hilarious af, though.

🚨Spoilers:🚨

6 trials: mostly Draco/Hermione, a couple with Harry. Minerva was never actually missing; she was hiding because someone was threatening her (we later find out it was Justin, a salty muggleborn turned criminal who’s mad about how the war trials went). He’s been stealing Galleons and replacing them with fakies with the “help” of Nifflers, and he’s after the Philosopher’s/Sorcerer’s Stone, which, surprise, Dumbledore never destroyed.

To keep Justin away from it, Minerva set up these trials so only Hermione and Harry could solve them. Some of them get pretty intense (they almost drown in one).

In the end, Minerva tells Draco, Hermione, and Harry that it’s now THEIR job to guard the Stone and hopefully destroy it. No one has ever managed to. 7-ish years later, Hermione figures out it can be destroyed in a Large Hadron Collider at CERN. They do it, and then create a fake muggle explanation for the event (the infamous weasel shutting the system down).

There’s more: Hermione’s coworker Holworth (an ex-baddie with morally questionable methods who seduces Narcissa), flirty and fun Theo, creepy Justin, Ginny being a terrible secret-keeper but amazing in every other way, the story behind Hermione’s nickname “Cuffs” (that guy deserved to be chained naked, and THAT’S why she got fired from her job AND hired by MACUSA), and probably more things I’ll add if I remember them.

Fun read.
3.25/5

[Cécile · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 bonnes étoiles
Franchement, quel bon moment ! J’ai ri à chaque page quasiment. C’était exactement ce qu’il me fallait après mon coup de cœur pour The Raven Scholar.
Une histoire très drôle, un style excellent, des dialogues hilarants et quelques épreuves et mystères.
Alors, oui, sur 770 pages, il y aurait pu avoir un peu plus de mystères et rebondissements mais pour autant je ne me suis pas ennuyée et j’étais toujours contente de reprendre.
C’est léger et drôle et c’est parfait si on cherche une seconde lecture qu’on peut poser et reprendre facilement.

[Emily Benson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was genuinely hilarious. Such a fun read - I laughed so much. I loved the writing style, specifically the use of parentheses (the best way to add detail). Something I love abt fan fics is the way you feel you’re just kicking back with the author - and that’s how this felt. This reminded me of how I felt reading Draco malfoy & the mortifying ordeal of being in love. There was banter, there was flirting and there was an obsessed Draco bringing life back to our girl.

[Elena K · Rating 5 out of 5]

The banter, the niffler, the friend group, and the curious plot development made such a fun read! Reminiscent of mortifying ordeal of falling in love, this was another romantic comedy I thoroughly enjoyed reading although this time around, we have simp Draco right off the bat and I couldn’t be more of a fan!

[Amelia · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was fucking magnificent, the humour was perfectly curated, all the characters were exactly as i imagine them to really be, the relationship between draco and hermione was so beautiful and hilarious, and the threads were so precise and smart i was shocked. honestly one of the best i read this year

[Abragail Arnold · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.75 stars. It was cute and funny! I do feel like the story wasn’t as strong at the end and I could’ve used some more emotional turmoil surrounding the relationships. But overall a cute read.

[Alicia Hatherley]

can’t stand when other people are funnier than me

[Ash Lucas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved this!!

[Sandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

3,5 ⭐️

[Alicia Remedios · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lives up to all the hype - the perfect combo of DMATMOOBIL with just a hint of BSP 🤌🏼 Auror Hermione was a fun read, I only wish there’d been a bit more action scenes for her. Also loved the calls to Fantastic Beasts

[Hope Vollm]

Okay I loved this! The riddles were so much fun, the mystery was great, and the way it all tied together was so fun.

I love hermiones American colleagues. They were wild. Holworth was truly a great addition.

I was absolutely rooting for Draco and hermione. He was pining so bad and I loved it.

[Shannon Martin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really did not like the way the characters were just always in banter mode- even when about to die or in serious situations. The tone was very teenaged and I really wanted to like it. I liked dodger- he was adorable and fun addition. otherwise it was very surface and the focus was flirting. I really wanted more depth! (also lots of parentheses and exclamation points and taking about masturbating with professors).

[Katie Houk · Rating 3 out of 5]

Essentially DMATMOOBIL

[Niki Thurman · Rating 3 out of 5]

More like 3.5

It was funny even if it was a bit raunchy. It worked most of the time. My favorite part about this book is Draco’s relationship with Harry and some other favorites. I don’t think I’ve read a book where they’re actually friends and it was really nice.

The plot was good, I didn’t guess anything until the end. All the new characters from America were great as well. Loved the slow burn although my biggest gripe is there was no “moment” when they finally got together. It was just accepted that they were. A bit of a let down.

Dodger and Theo are my all time favs. Loved George’s role too.

[Giulia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Prima di tutto, una premessa doverosa.

Le fanfiction nascono come atti d’amore: scritte nel tempo libero, gratuitamente, senza alcun obbligo verso il lettore. Non sono “prodotti” da passare al setaccio con il righello dell’editoria tradizionale, e giudicarle come se lo fossero rischia di essere profondamente ingiusto (oltre che un po’ snob). Detto questo, parlarne, recensirle, raccontare cosa ci hanno lasciato è anche un modo per fermare l’esperienza di lettura: cosa ci ha fatto ridere, cosa ci ha presa, cosa magari ci ha fatto alzare un sopracciglio. Non è un giudizio sull’autore, ma sul tempo che abbiamo passato dentro quella storia. E questa è solo la mia esperienza.

Detto ciò: è fanfiction come questa il motivo per cui non smetterò mai di leggerle. Where the Duck Is Minerva McGonagall? è una di quelle storie che ti ricordano perché, a volte, il non-pubblicato riesce a battere serenamente l’editoria tradizionale sul piano del puro divertimento. È brillante, veloce, consapevole, autoironica fino al midollo e perfettamente a suo agio nel genere che sta abbracciando: una romcom magica che sa benissimo di non doversi prendere sul serio… e proprio per questo funziona.Il tono è leggero, frizzante, spesso volutamente sopra le righe. I capitoli scorrono che è una meraviglia, aiutati da titoli memorabili, POV alternati, una quantità generosa (ma ben dosata) di pensieri interiori e una struttura che rende facilissimo riprendere la lettura anche dopo una pausa. È una di quelle fic che non ti stanca mai, perché sa quando accelerare, quando rallentare e quando buttarti addosso la battuta giusta nel momento giusto per tenerti lì, sorridente e complice.

Draco è esattamente il tipo di Draco che fa felice il cuore Dramione: sfacciato, ironico, apertamente preso, pronto a fare qualsiasi cosa pur di attirare l’attenzione di Hermione. Qui niente enemies to lovers – dinamica che io adoro, lo ammetto – ma sorprendentemente non se ne sente la mancanza. La loro relazione si gioca tutta sulla complicità, sul flirt costante, su quell’ossessione affettuosa che non diventa mai tossica ma resta sempre divertente. È un Draco che osserva, provoca, stuzzica, e funziona proprio perché non deve dimostrare niente a nessuno (se non, forse, quanto è cotto).

Hermione è probabilmente l’elemento più divisivo della storia. Qui è più sicura, più scaltra, decisamente più “Slytherin-coded” del solito, e non sempre questa caratterizzazione risulta del tutto naturale. In alcuni momenti l’ho trovata un po’ troppo spinta verso la bossiness — sì, tu che l’hai letta, parlo proprio di quella scena — ma va detto che rientra perfettamente nel tono generale della fic. È una Hermione che sa cosa vuole, piega le regole quando serve e non si fa troppi scrupoli. Anche quando non mi ha convinta al cento per cento, però, non mi ha mai annoiata. E questo, per me, conta moltissimo.

Il vero collante della storia, comunque, è il gruppo. L’amicizia tra Draco, Harry e Theo è una delle cose meglio riuscite: dinamica, divertente, sorprendentemente tenera. Vederli lavorare insieme, punzecchiarsi e sostenersi è stato uno degli aspetti che ho apprezzato di più. Theo è una presenza costante e adorabile, Ginny è caotica e imperfetta ma incredibilmente efficace, e anche i personaggi originali — cosa non sempre scontata — funzionano bene e si integrano senza mai sembrare di troppo.

E poi c’è Dodger il Niffler, che meriterebbe un monumento in bronzo. Non solo perché è adorabile, ma perché è davvero parte della trama e non un semplice animaletto messo lì per strappare un “aw”. Dopo questa fic, anch’io firmerei senza esitazione una petizione per avere un niffler in ogni storia. È uno di quei personaggi che ti restano addosso e che contribuiscono tantissimo al tono complessivo del racconto.

La trama, pur non essendo particolarmente complessa, è solida e ben costruita. Il mistero attorno alla scomparsa di Minerva tiene viva la curiosità, le prove da affrontare sono varie e ben distribuite e il ritmo non cala mai davvero. Forse, vista la lunghezza, ci sarebbe stato spazio per qualche colpo di scena in più o per un mistero più stratificato, ma personalmente non mi sono mai annoiata. Anzi: ero sempre contenta di tornare a leggere, che per me resta il vero metro di giudizio.

La romance è chiaramente centrale, ma non soffoca tutto il resto. È presente, insistente, a tratti volutamente esagerata, ma coerente con il tono della storia. È vero: personaggi che hanno quasi trent’anni e si comportano come adolescenti iper-drammatici, sempre pronti a urlare, punzecchiarsi ed evitare conversazioni serie, possono far sorridere… o sospirare. Ma è una scelta stilistica, non una svista. Funziona se accetti il gioco, e io l’ho accettato volentieri, anche se in certi momenti avrei apprezzato un po’ più di varietà nei dialoghi e meno battute a sfondo sessuale infilate ovunque.

In definitiva, questa fic sceglie consapevolmente la leggerezza, la comicità, il ritmo e il divertimento. Se cerchi angst, struggimento e rivelazioni emotive devastanti, non è questa la storia giusta. Se invece vuoi ridere, rilassarti, affezionarti a un gruppo di personaggi e passare davvero un bel momento… allora è perfetta.

Assolutamente da leggere in inglese.

E sì: grazie Minerva per essere sparita.

[JeTish · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.25 stars. 2 Spice
Already started off funny; overall pretty funny but not sure if I’d reread due to busyness in December or story itself
Draco, Harry, Theo are friends and work at the ministry
Lots of flirting from Draco, spice starts at 54% (not yet sex); sex at 77%
Draco has liked her since 3rd year
Potter is included in search after a while and it’s a quest to find Minerva hiding the philosophers stone
Good original character holworth
Trials are a test for whoever is tasked with protecting the stone and trying to destroy it. Hermione, Draco, Harry
“The Prologue is set a few months after the Battle of Hogwarts, but the rest of the story is set ten years later.”
“Hermione Granger (badass Auror working for MACUSA) has been summoned back to Britain by Kingsley Shacklebolt to help with an investigation. Of course, Hermione agrees; working with Harry again is going to be so much fun… only, it turns out that Harry is unavailable, and unfortunately, she gets stuck with Draco Malfoy.”

[Selina Z · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fun read! Enjoyed this golden retriever version of Draco. Good slow burn, and original characters that were well-fleshed out, but also included a good amount of existing characters like Harry/Ginny which isn't always the case with Dramione fics. Dodger the niffler was the cutest thing ever. Some overlapping themes with dmatmoobil, but not overly so.

Main thing that brought it down a star for me was the one note crassness of the conversations. I wasn't offended by it, but it would've provided more variety to have some non sex-related conversations/jokes once in awhile lol.

[Sabrina Jackson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel bad going with only 3 stars, BUT I ended up not finishing this book 😬 The writing is comical, great banter, and funny characters but something lost my attention at the end. The scavenger hunt was cute and interesting at times, but I almost didn’t care to know what happened at the end because Draco and Hermione were already in love and coupling. I’ve read other works by this other and I liked this equally if not more than the others. This is a light hearted fic and a good palette cleanser I’d coming off a more heavy one.

[Sofia Schwartz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I never stopped laughing while reading this. I am devouring anything this author writes. I’m utterly obsessed with her humour and her unique plot lines. I also actually like the Americans from MACUSA in this story. Normally they’re insufferable (shocking LOL).

ALSO I LOVE DODGER THE NIFFLER. I need more fics with nifflers STAT😭🤩🤍

Next, I’ll be reading another one of Rogue_Roxy’s fics because her writing style is terribly entertaining 😌🫶🏻

[e3mxswag · Rating 4 out of 5]

mi sono fatta di quelle grasse risate con questa fiction!
è una fiction tanto leggera quanto bella e interessante.
ho amato tutto, la storia, la ship, il found family, tutto.
il rapporto tra i personaggi è bellissimo e mi mancheranno tutti un sacco.
una delle storie più divertenti che io abbia mai letto.
grazie minerva per essere sparita, e grazie draco per aver chiesto di scrivere questa fiction (hilarious btw)
ASSOLUTAMENTE DA LEGGERE IN INGLESE!

[Darrien Kellock · Rating 5 out of 5]

So fun!!! If you loved Draco Malfoy and the Mortifying ordeal… you will love this one too! The flirting was top tier, it had moments I laughed out loud, and I loved how the author incorporated canon events throughout to tie things together. Seeing Harry and Hermione’s friendship as adults was also so enjoyable too.

[Bobbi Lawson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this was a cute and funny book. I loved Dodger so much! Such a sweet little guy. While I liked all the characters I loved their growth as well. I think it was a great read and if you love fun, exciting, laugh out loud reads then Rouge Roxy is your girl!!!!

[Emilia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Si estuvo gracioso pero hubieron momentos donde me empecé a desesperar porque no sentía que la trama avanzaba tan rápido.
Me gusta un draco qlgo dark y hermione competente pero que necesite protegerse y este no dio eso.