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The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief
The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and be stretched large by them.
Noted psychotherapist Francis Weller provides an essential guide for navigating the deep waters of sorrow and loss in this lyrical yet practical handbook for mastering the art of grieving. Describing how Western patterns of amnesia and anesthesia affect our capacity to cope with personal and collective sorrows, Weller reveals the new vitality we may encounter when we welcome, rather than fear, the pain of loss. Through moving personal stories, poetry, and insightful reflections he leads us into the central energy of sorrow, and to the profound healing and heightened communion with each other and our planet that reside alongside it.
The Wild Edge of Sorrow explains that grief has always been communal and illustrates how we need the healing touch of others, an atmosphere of compassion, and the comfort of ritual in order to fully metabolize our grief. Weller describes how we often hide our pain from the world, wrapping it in a secret mantle of shame. This causes sorrow to linger unexpressed in our bodies, weighing us down and pulling us into the territory of depression and death. We have come to fear grief and feel too alone to face an encounter with the powerful energies of sorrow.
Those who work with people in grief, who have experienced the loss of a loved one, who mourn the ongoing destruction of our planet, or who suffer the accumulated traumas of a lifetime will appreciate the discussion of obstacles to successful grief work such as privatized pain, lack of communal rituals, a pervasive feeling of fear, and a culturally restrictive range of emotion. Weller highlights the intimate bond between grief and gratitude, sorrow and intimacy. In addition to showing us that the greatest gifts are often hidden in the things we avoid, he offers powerful tools and rituals and a list of resources to help us transform grief into a force that allows us to live and love more fully.
Noted psychotherapist Francis Weller provides an essential guide for navigating the deep waters of sorrow and loss in this lyrical yet practical handbook for mastering the art of grieving. Describing how Western patterns of amnesia and anesthesia affect our capacity to cope with personal and collective sorrows, Weller reveals the new vitality we may encounter when we welcome, rather than fear, the pain of loss. Through moving personal stories, poetry, and insightful reflections he leads us into the central energy of sorrow, and to the profound healing and heightened communion with each other and our planet that reside alongside it.
The Wild Edge of Sorrow explains that grief has always been communal and illustrates how we need the healing touch of others, an atmosphere of compassion, and the comfort of ritual in order to fully metabolize our grief. Weller describes how we often hide our pain from the world, wrapping it in a secret mantle of shame. This causes sorrow to linger unexpressed in our bodies, weighing us down and pulling us into the territory of depression and death. We have come to fear grief and feel too alone to face an encounter with the powerful energies of sorrow.
Those who work with people in grief, who have experienced the loss of a loved one, who mourn the ongoing destruction of our planet, or who suffer the accumulated traumas of a lifetime will appreciate the discussion of obstacles to successful grief work such as privatized pain, lack of communal rituals, a pervasive feeling of fear, and a culturally restrictive range of emotion. Weller highlights the intimate bond between grief and gratitude, sorrow and intimacy. In addition to showing us that the greatest gifts are often hidden in the things we avoid, he offers powerful tools and rituals and a list of resources to help us transform grief into a force that allows us to live and love more fully.
224 pages, Paperback
First published September 15, 2015
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13159 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 415 reviews
October 5, 2018
Reading this felt like a turning point in my life, where I will make a conscious effort to lean into my emotions rather than run from them out of shame. One of the biggest deathbed regrets people face is they wish they had the courage to express their feelings. Thanks to Francis Weller for publishing this beautiful book and encouraging me to live wholeheartedly and hopefully without this regret.
November 14, 2020
I wanted to love this book. Lots of people love this book. I thought I would join them in their love of this book.
The basic premise and basic assertion that grief is important and necessary to human and planetary health and well-being is one that I agree with wholeheartedly and I was hoping I might find more tools to engage with the healing and transformational experience of grief both individually and collectively.
There was some of that. But, it was so weighed down by flowery prose, poetry that didn’t move me, “because I said so” logic, and cultural appropriation that it was hard to find. There were many many many more clips from rituals he has led than useful information about how you would craft such rituals. There was some of that information, but it was scant.
I think that this book spent more time trying to convince people that grief work is important (which I already believe and therefore did not need a book to convince me of) and on nebulous arguments about why it is good for the soul that, even though I agree, I wasn’t able to relate to, than on useful pedagogy for how to approach it.
So, I give the premise a 5 and the execution a 3. That would usually make for a 4 star review, but it was really a slog to get through, so I’m tilting my rating in favor of my actual experience.
The basic premise and basic assertion that grief is important and necessary to human and planetary health and well-being is one that I agree with wholeheartedly and I was hoping I might find more tools to engage with the healing and transformational experience of grief both individually and collectively.
There was some of that. But, it was so weighed down by flowery prose, poetry that didn’t move me, “because I said so” logic, and cultural appropriation that it was hard to find. There were many many many more clips from rituals he has led than useful information about how you would craft such rituals. There was some of that information, but it was scant.
I think that this book spent more time trying to convince people that grief work is important (which I already believe and therefore did not need a book to convince me of) and on nebulous arguments about why it is good for the soul that, even though I agree, I wasn’t able to relate to, than on useful pedagogy for how to approach it.
So, I give the premise a 5 and the execution a 3. That would usually make for a 4 star review, but it was really a slog to get through, so I’m tilting my rating in favor of my actual experience.
July 8, 2017
Deeply spiritual, affirming, and very helpful. This is one of those books to return to and share with others. It helped me process, integrate, and move through my individual experience of grief and it gave me insight into other types of grief my loved ones experience, leading to greater connection and understanding.
March 29, 2022
Summary:
Francis Weller’s The Wild Edge of Sorrow is a heartfelt book about how grief work is understood and practiced through what Weller calls “soul-centered psychotherapy.” Weller suggests that the act of living calls each person to “take up an apprenticeship with sorrow” that allows us to acknowledge the pervasive presence of grief in human life, including intrinsic connections to the loss and suffering of the natural world (4). The book covers many grief-related topics, most notably Weller’s “Five Gates of Grief,” a series of metaphorical “doorways” which highlight “the many ways that loss touches our hearts and souls in this life” (23). The book also describes types of grief-centered rituals and practices that Weller uses with his clients and community.
Key Concepts and Notes:
––Anyone who reads this book will immediately notice the artfulness and passion of Weller’s writing. He’s clearly a gifted therapist with much experience and wisdom to share with his clients and readers.
––I think Weller’s core idea of cultivating a lifelong “apprenticeship with sorrow,” is an excellent invitation, one that extends well beyond the realm of grief work. Sadness, loss, and failure are replete in any human life, and Weller does a great job of showing how we can meet these challenges with acceptance, curiosity, humility, and compassion.
––The “Five Gateways” are interesting and instructive opportunities for reflection. They are as follows: (1) Everything We Love, We Will Lose, (2) The Places That Have Not Known Love, (3) The Sorrows of the World, (4) What We Expected and Did Not Receive, (5) Ancestral Grief
––I also appreciate Weller’s focus on grief rituals and practices. This gives his book a practical angle that goes beyond merely trying to “think” or “feel” a certain way about grief. There’s plenty of helpful suggestions about what we can “do” about it as well, but not in the diminishing sense of “solving” or “getting rid” of our grief.
––Weller’s approach has some significant drawbacks, ones that will likely alienate readers who don’t share key elements of Weller’s values and worldview. Though undeniably poetic, Weller’s prose is extremely repetitive, and often takes on a tone that some people (myself included) will find histrionic or overwrought. Even though this book is very short, I think it could have been considerably shorter.
––Another potential obstacle is Weller’s belief that the modern world is essentially broken, and we along with it. He has a lot to say about “our entire suicidal culture––our death-dealing, nature-consuming, hell-bent-on-our-collective-demise society,” none of it good (138). At the same time, he heaps uncritical praise on indigenous ways of living and knowing, to the point where I felt like he overindulged in “noble savage” thinking and appeals to antiquity. It’s not that the modern world is perfect and we can’t learn anything useful from other or older cultures, but Weller’s “new = bad, old = good” narrative is very consistent and overly simplistic.
––Related to this problem are Weller’s constant appeals to nature. Many passages in the book rest on an unstated premise that everything naturally-occurring is good and everything technological or artificial is bad. Again, it’s not that he’s entirely wrong, it’s just that these statements are not nuanced enough and are therefore likely to be off-putting to readers who don’t already share Weller’s views.
––Finally, I’m torn when it comes to the notion that one’s personal grief is necessarily bound up with the suffering of other people and the natural world. For some people, I think this is a very powerful and healing framework that will facilitate a greater sense of connection to humanity and the earth. Weller seems to do amazing and valuable work with such people. However, for others, I worry that expanding the circle of grief in this way might backfire, making it more overwhelming, anxiety-inducing, and/or giving rise to cognitive distortions about the degree of impact individuals can or should have to ameliorate hypercomplex problems such as climate change and social injustice. I don’t have any experience with this in a therapeutic setting, so this is purely speculation.
Favorite Quotes:
Our broken hearts have the potential to open us to a wider sense of identity, one capable of seeing through the partitions that have segregated self from world. Through grief, we are initiated into a more inclusive conversation between our singular lives and the soul of the world. We are coming to understand that there is no isolated self stranded in the cosmos; we are participants in an entwined and entangled net of connections with a continuous exchange of light, air, gravity, thought, color, and sound, all coalescing in the elegant dance that is our shared life. It is the broken heart that can let slip into its core the shimmer of a salmon gliding just under the surface of the water, the startling arc of the swift, the wonder of Mozart, and the sheer beauty of sunrise. (xvii)
It is the accumulated losses of a lifetime that slowly weigh us down––the times of rejection, the moments of isolation when we felt cut off from the sustaining touch of comfort and love. It is an ache that resides in the heart, the faint echo calling us back to the times of loss. We are called back, not so much to make things right, but to acknowledge what happened to us. Grief asks that we honor the loss and, in doing so, deepen our capacity for compassion. When grief remains unexpressed, however, it hardens, becomes as solid as a stone. We, in turn, become rigid and stop moving in rhythm with the soul. When we are in touch with all of our emotions, on the other hand, we are more verb than noun, more a movement than a thing. But when our grief stagnates, we become fixed in place, unable to move and dance with the flow of life. Grief is part of the dance. (20)
All too often we deny our grief because it is not as severe as someone else’s…It is easy to dismiss our grief when we compare it to circumstances we consider to be much worse than our own. But the grief is ours, and we must treat it as worthy of attention. In fact, it is essential for us to welcome our grief, whatever form it takes. When we do, we open ourselves to our shared experiences in life. Grief is our common bond. Opening to our sorrow connects us with everyone, everywhere. There is no gesture of kindness that is wasted, no offering of compassion that is useless. We can be generous to every sorrow we see. It is sacred work. (70)
Hundreds of times in my practice as a therapist, I have heard how fearful people are of dropping into the well of grief. The most frequent comment is “If I go there, I’ll never return.” What I found myself saying one day was rather surprising. “If you don’t go there, you’ll never return.” (107)
There is a proverb from Africa that says, “When death finds you, make sure it finds you alive.” I love this adage, a wise reminder that death is always present and that when it comes, it is best to meet it fully alive…Too many of us suffer from premature death, never fully embracing our lives and being open to the beauty and terror of existence. This is a result, in great part, of our refusal to accept life on life’s terms. Instead, we try to avoid pain and suffering. We don’t turn our face into the world, into the full experience of life, but instead we slowly back into the grave, stubbornly trying to avoid our losses, ignoring the truth that these sorrows can be our greatest teachers, our greatest gifts. This half-life is not what we came here to experience. To change this story, we must be able to bring death close to us. We must be willing to live with the ways that death keeps us––paradoxically––aware of whether or not we are fully embracing our lives. (124)
Letting go is a difficult skill to acquire, and yet we are offered no option but to practice. Every loss, personal or shared, prepares us for our own time of leaving. Letting go is not a passive state of acceptance but a recognition of the brevity of all things. This realization invites us to love fully now, in the moment, when what we love is here. (135)
This review was originally published on my blog, words&dirt.
Francis Weller’s The Wild Edge of Sorrow is a heartfelt book about how grief work is understood and practiced through what Weller calls “soul-centered psychotherapy.” Weller suggests that the act of living calls each person to “take up an apprenticeship with sorrow” that allows us to acknowledge the pervasive presence of grief in human life, including intrinsic connections to the loss and suffering of the natural world (4). The book covers many grief-related topics, most notably Weller’s “Five Gates of Grief,” a series of metaphorical “doorways” which highlight “the many ways that loss touches our hearts and souls in this life” (23). The book also describes types of grief-centered rituals and practices that Weller uses with his clients and community.
Key Concepts and Notes:
––Anyone who reads this book will immediately notice the artfulness and passion of Weller’s writing. He’s clearly a gifted therapist with much experience and wisdom to share with his clients and readers.
––I think Weller’s core idea of cultivating a lifelong “apprenticeship with sorrow,” is an excellent invitation, one that extends well beyond the realm of grief work. Sadness, loss, and failure are replete in any human life, and Weller does a great job of showing how we can meet these challenges with acceptance, curiosity, humility, and compassion.
––The “Five Gateways” are interesting and instructive opportunities for reflection. They are as follows: (1) Everything We Love, We Will Lose, (2) The Places That Have Not Known Love, (3) The Sorrows of the World, (4) What We Expected and Did Not Receive, (5) Ancestral Grief
––I also appreciate Weller’s focus on grief rituals and practices. This gives his book a practical angle that goes beyond merely trying to “think” or “feel” a certain way about grief. There’s plenty of helpful suggestions about what we can “do” about it as well, but not in the diminishing sense of “solving” or “getting rid” of our grief.
––Weller’s approach has some significant drawbacks, ones that will likely alienate readers who don’t share key elements of Weller’s values and worldview. Though undeniably poetic, Weller’s prose is extremely repetitive, and often takes on a tone that some people (myself included) will find histrionic or overwrought. Even though this book is very short, I think it could have been considerably shorter.
––Another potential obstacle is Weller’s belief that the modern world is essentially broken, and we along with it. He has a lot to say about “our entire suicidal culture––our death-dealing, nature-consuming, hell-bent-on-our-collective-demise society,” none of it good (138). At the same time, he heaps uncritical praise on indigenous ways of living and knowing, to the point where I felt like he overindulged in “noble savage” thinking and appeals to antiquity. It’s not that the modern world is perfect and we can’t learn anything useful from other or older cultures, but Weller’s “new = bad, old = good” narrative is very consistent and overly simplistic.
––Related to this problem are Weller’s constant appeals to nature. Many passages in the book rest on an unstated premise that everything naturally-occurring is good and everything technological or artificial is bad. Again, it’s not that he’s entirely wrong, it’s just that these statements are not nuanced enough and are therefore likely to be off-putting to readers who don’t already share Weller’s views.
––Finally, I’m torn when it comes to the notion that one’s personal grief is necessarily bound up with the suffering of other people and the natural world. For some people, I think this is a very powerful and healing framework that will facilitate a greater sense of connection to humanity and the earth. Weller seems to do amazing and valuable work with such people. However, for others, I worry that expanding the circle of grief in this way might backfire, making it more overwhelming, anxiety-inducing, and/or giving rise to cognitive distortions about the degree of impact individuals can or should have to ameliorate hypercomplex problems such as climate change and social injustice. I don’t have any experience with this in a therapeutic setting, so this is purely speculation.
Favorite Quotes:
Our broken hearts have the potential to open us to a wider sense of identity, one capable of seeing through the partitions that have segregated self from world. Through grief, we are initiated into a more inclusive conversation between our singular lives and the soul of the world. We are coming to understand that there is no isolated self stranded in the cosmos; we are participants in an entwined and entangled net of connections with a continuous exchange of light, air, gravity, thought, color, and sound, all coalescing in the elegant dance that is our shared life. It is the broken heart that can let slip into its core the shimmer of a salmon gliding just under the surface of the water, the startling arc of the swift, the wonder of Mozart, and the sheer beauty of sunrise. (xvii)
It is the accumulated losses of a lifetime that slowly weigh us down––the times of rejection, the moments of isolation when we felt cut off from the sustaining touch of comfort and love. It is an ache that resides in the heart, the faint echo calling us back to the times of loss. We are called back, not so much to make things right, but to acknowledge what happened to us. Grief asks that we honor the loss and, in doing so, deepen our capacity for compassion. When grief remains unexpressed, however, it hardens, becomes as solid as a stone. We, in turn, become rigid and stop moving in rhythm with the soul. When we are in touch with all of our emotions, on the other hand, we are more verb than noun, more a movement than a thing. But when our grief stagnates, we become fixed in place, unable to move and dance with the flow of life. Grief is part of the dance. (20)
All too often we deny our grief because it is not as severe as someone else’s…It is easy to dismiss our grief when we compare it to circumstances we consider to be much worse than our own. But the grief is ours, and we must treat it as worthy of attention. In fact, it is essential for us to welcome our grief, whatever form it takes. When we do, we open ourselves to our shared experiences in life. Grief is our common bond. Opening to our sorrow connects us with everyone, everywhere. There is no gesture of kindness that is wasted, no offering of compassion that is useless. We can be generous to every sorrow we see. It is sacred work. (70)
Hundreds of times in my practice as a therapist, I have heard how fearful people are of dropping into the well of grief. The most frequent comment is “If I go there, I’ll never return.” What I found myself saying one day was rather surprising. “If you don’t go there, you’ll never return.” (107)
There is a proverb from Africa that says, “When death finds you, make sure it finds you alive.” I love this adage, a wise reminder that death is always present and that when it comes, it is best to meet it fully alive…Too many of us suffer from premature death, never fully embracing our lives and being open to the beauty and terror of existence. This is a result, in great part, of our refusal to accept life on life’s terms. Instead, we try to avoid pain and suffering. We don’t turn our face into the world, into the full experience of life, but instead we slowly back into the grave, stubbornly trying to avoid our losses, ignoring the truth that these sorrows can be our greatest teachers, our greatest gifts. This half-life is not what we came here to experience. To change this story, we must be able to bring death close to us. We must be willing to live with the ways that death keeps us––paradoxically––aware of whether or not we are fully embracing our lives. (124)
Letting go is a difficult skill to acquire, and yet we are offered no option but to practice. Every loss, personal or shared, prepares us for our own time of leaving. Letting go is not a passive state of acceptance but a recognition of the brevity of all things. This realization invites us to love fully now, in the moment, when what we love is here. (135)
This review was originally published on my blog, words&dirt.
June 11, 2016
I loved this book. I first came across Francis Weller when he was interviewed in the Oct 2015 issue of The Sun. He brings a lot of wisdom and truth to the topic of grief, which was balm to my spirit as a hospital chaplain. He talks about the importance of metabolizing our grief, particularly in community. "We need to create circles of welcome in our lives in order to keep leaning into the world; to keep moving grief through our psyches and bodies, so we can taste the sweetness of life." (p. 14). I also deeply appreciate the ways he draws on so many poets. Good stuff.
October 8, 2020
This book was recommended to me by someone I respect, but it wasn't my cup of tea.
I'm just not into participating in ancient rituals like sitting in a circle of strangers and wailing about my troubles thru gushing tears and the beat of drums.
I was also distracted by the frequent use of flowery prose, which is not only unnecessary but counterproductive to covering such a sensitive subject with the seriousness it deserves.
I'm astonished by the number of positive reviews, but maybe that's because I haven't experienced the same level of trauma that many others have.
I'm just not into participating in ancient rituals like sitting in a circle of strangers and wailing about my troubles thru gushing tears and the beat of drums.
I was also distracted by the frequent use of flowery prose, which is not only unnecessary but counterproductive to covering such a sensitive subject with the seriousness it deserves.
I'm astonished by the number of positive reviews, but maybe that's because I haven't experienced the same level of trauma that many others have.
December 16, 2023
Just finished reading a third time (although this time it was the audio version). Phenomenal. I think I will make a commitment to read this at least once a year.
December 23, 2018
Lyrical and with useful content but also super repetitive.
January 5, 2021
The Wild Edge of Sorrow is a supremely poetic book. It is a call to arms for us to take on our apprenticeship with grief and to walk through the five gates of grief. This has been is a life-changing read for me.
I’ve observed loud voices in the wellness community shy away from the darkness, whether it is dealing with racist belief systems, or simply being uncomfortable with conflict, in general. This book is not for the light and love brigade AND THANK THE GODDESS it isn’t.
Our cult of happiness as the only emotion to be proud of makes us uncomfortable with grief and sorrow. The pursuit of happiness and material gain puts us in a false homeostasis that is at odds with our true nature and with the soul of the world. Francis Weller eloquently argues that it is only when we can face our grief, a necessary part of our shadow work, that we can emerge from the half-life existence that modern society condemns us to.
Weller writes with precision and beauty, every turn of phrase so right, and every shared poem or quote well put for the occasion. Whether it is little descriptions like, "the fragility of flesh, and the immensity of soul", or sharing poems like "a holy thing to love what death can touch" (Judah Halevi or Emanuel of Rome), The Wild Edge of Sorrow is wonderfully well said.
I treasured each sentence, and it is a book that refuses to be skimmed. You cannot skim this, but allow each word to wash over you.
Weller describes 5 gates of grief we walk through. The first gate is the one we are all familiar with, everything we love we will lose. The second gate can surprise us because it is the places that have not known love. The third gate is the sorrows of the world. The fourth gate is what we expected and did not receive, and the fifth gate is ancestral grief, “the grief we carry in our bodies from sorrows experienced by our ancestors.”
Weller writes with compassion about the lack of self-compassion we can have for ourselves, about shame, and I enjoyed his discussion on ritual, the importance of ritual, and the benefits of it.
”Everything is a gift, and nothing lasts. This is a painful truth.”
Our grief is not a problem to be fixed in the way we think of fixing the other problems we have in our lives. And Weller is not arguing for us to wallow in our grief, but that we have relegated any grief we have to our shadow, and in the shadow, things become a primitive agony, and we become, in fact, haunted by the grief in our life. Weller states multiple times throughout the book that depression can be a symptom of sorrow: “Without an adequate time in the ashes tending the loss, sorrow mutates into symptoms of depression, anxiety, dullness, and despair.”
We cannot fix our subterranean feelings, but undergo ritual in community and take time with ourselves, to work through the darkness, because it is how we can truly grow, live, and love with true vitality.
I’ve observed loud voices in the wellness community shy away from the darkness, whether it is dealing with racist belief systems, or simply being uncomfortable with conflict, in general. This book is not for the light and love brigade AND THANK THE GODDESS it isn’t.
Our cult of happiness as the only emotion to be proud of makes us uncomfortable with grief and sorrow. The pursuit of happiness and material gain puts us in a false homeostasis that is at odds with our true nature and with the soul of the world. Francis Weller eloquently argues that it is only when we can face our grief, a necessary part of our shadow work, that we can emerge from the half-life existence that modern society condemns us to.
Weller writes with precision and beauty, every turn of phrase so right, and every shared poem or quote well put for the occasion. Whether it is little descriptions like, "the fragility of flesh, and the immensity of soul", or sharing poems like "a holy thing to love what death can touch" (Judah Halevi or Emanuel of Rome), The Wild Edge of Sorrow is wonderfully well said.
I treasured each sentence, and it is a book that refuses to be skimmed. You cannot skim this, but allow each word to wash over you.
Weller describes 5 gates of grief we walk through. The first gate is the one we are all familiar with, everything we love we will lose. The second gate can surprise us because it is the places that have not known love. The third gate is the sorrows of the world. The fourth gate is what we expected and did not receive, and the fifth gate is ancestral grief, “the grief we carry in our bodies from sorrows experienced by our ancestors.”
Weller writes with compassion about the lack of self-compassion we can have for ourselves, about shame, and I enjoyed his discussion on ritual, the importance of ritual, and the benefits of it.
”Everything is a gift, and nothing lasts. This is a painful truth.”
Our grief is not a problem to be fixed in the way we think of fixing the other problems we have in our lives. And Weller is not arguing for us to wallow in our grief, but that we have relegated any grief we have to our shadow, and in the shadow, things become a primitive agony, and we become, in fact, haunted by the grief in our life. Weller states multiple times throughout the book that depression can be a symptom of sorrow: “Without an adequate time in the ashes tending the loss, sorrow mutates into symptoms of depression, anxiety, dullness, and despair.”
We cannot fix our subterranean feelings, but undergo ritual in community and take time with ourselves, to work through the darkness, because it is how we can truly grow, live, and love with true vitality.
August 16, 2021
This was the August, 2021 selection of South Austin Spiritual Book Group. With what Simone Biles broke open for us at the Tokyo Olympics, I had a feeling this book was going to be impactful.
Although you don't think of a grief book when looking for summer reads, I was surprised at how well written and compelling this approach to grief was. I actually found myself wanting to come back to the book and finish it because of the "Five Gates of Grief", which include ancestral grief and grief for what's happening to the planet.
If you are one of those people who has always carried an amorphous sadness with you that never attached to an event or person, this book explains why. You also learn why it's so important to do this work before you're on your death bed. Plus, Weller gives you some ways to process grief in the Resources section at the end.
Well done!
Although you don't think of a grief book when looking for summer reads, I was surprised at how well written and compelling this approach to grief was. I actually found myself wanting to come back to the book and finish it because of the "Five Gates of Grief", which include ancestral grief and grief for what's happening to the planet.
If you are one of those people who has always carried an amorphous sadness with you that never attached to an event or person, this book explains why. You also learn why it's so important to do this work before you're on your death bed. Plus, Weller gives you some ways to process grief in the Resources section at the end.
Well done!
July 11, 2025
Coming to realize that a book being added to my did-not-finish shelf doesn’t always mean that I hated it, but sometimes that I got out of it what I needed in the first half.
July 8, 2017
Wow. Beautiful book that touched my heart over and over. Very much recommend!
March 5, 2022
This poetic handbook to grief - both in our own lives but also grief for the losses we all experience in our world - was incredibly healing to read. "Where there is sorrow, there is holy ground" - Oscar Wilde
May 26, 2025
So many gems in this one, page after page. We are constantly walking the edge of sorrow and aliveness, grief and gratitude. Somehow, as a culture, we found ourselves exiling our grief and shutting away our sorrow. Leaving us with a muted society and a flatlined sense of being. We need to bring back grief in a radical way. Preferably in the safe arms of community and loved ones. When we give our grief a voice, a container to let it speak its raw, unfiltered truth it gives us a bottom in which we gain the strength to move through our pain. If we expect to live a happy, fulfilling life, that can only be achieved by visiting the dark undergrounds of our soul. Where time moves slower and the language of the soul takes precedence. Where we are brought to our knees. Honor this sacred space of grief and sorrow.
October 12, 2021
I can't recommend this book highly enough.
September 26, 2020
I can’t begin to say how beautiful and necessary this book is, not just when you’re grieving, but as a way to understand how we can go about dealing with the heaviness of life and all it’s difficulties. There is so much we neglect to acknowledge and process in this modern world, and it takes a toll on us in ways we can’t even comprehend. Our modern society has forgotten how to grieve, how to live with various heartaches and traumas, which tends to compound and manifest in very toxic outcomes. This is not a book about dwelling in sorrow, or “getting over it”, but how to fully embrace it and give it the attention it deserves. In honoring and experiencing grief, through presence, ritual, community, we can also fully appreciate the joys in life, which often elude us when we are running from stress and turmoil. The wisdom of Francis Weller’s writing is soulful and nourishing, ...and accessible - not just for the ‘spiritual’ types or therapy-junkies. It goes into the ‘Everyone Should Read This Book’ category, and I will likely gift it to many people in years to come.
December 10, 2018
Stunning. This is such a grounding and necessary book when you are grieving or if you want to understand what it's like for someone else who might be grieving. Mystical and Jungian, the words ring ancient and true and I've underlined nearly half the book. It will stay on my nightstand to keep company with other books that I use as references time and time again...along with "Care of the Soul" and "Women who Run with the Wolves."
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March 1, 2024This author has a lot of great insights. Just go to the quote section, and you'll find some truly lovely thoughts on grief. I agreed with a lot of what he said - to a point. However, the methods and techniques he describes would not resonate with most of the population I work with. They didn't resonate with me, either. That being said, this book is obviously well spoken of, so give it a shot if the other reviews of this book speak to you.
February 12, 2025
This book did not land right with me. It felt egotistical and was ripe with cultural appropriation.
September 18, 2025
There is so much bad grief literature out there, but this book is one of the best I’ve found. Even though I don’t have the exact same worldview as Weller, he writes about our grief, our relationship to it, and and our relationship with others in our grief in a way that is incredibly profound. It gives me a new way of relating to the grief I feel and to myself. Here’s just one example of a quote from this book which I absolutely recommend:
“Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that there is no love that does not contain loss and no loss that is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close. … For the most part, grief is not a problem to be solved, not a condition to be medicated, but a deep encounter with an essential experience of being human. … When we come to our grief with reverence, we find ourselves in right relationship with sorrow, neither far away nor too close. We have entered into an ongoing conversation with this difficult, holy visitor. Learning we can be with grief, holding it softly and warmly, is the first task in our apprenticeship.”
“Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that there is no love that does not contain loss and no loss that is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close. … For the most part, grief is not a problem to be solved, not a condition to be medicated, but a deep encounter with an essential experience of being human. … When we come to our grief with reverence, we find ourselves in right relationship with sorrow, neither far away nor too close. We have entered into an ongoing conversation with this difficult, holy visitor. Learning we can be with grief, holding it softly and warmly, is the first task in our apprenticeship.”
November 25, 2024
I was introduced to this book by the podcast All There Is with Anderson Cooper. We are all grieving someone, or something. The podcast and this book help us navigate the waters of grief by letting us know we are not alone and that there are rituals and practices to help. Here is just one of many that I am now practicing and that I hope brings comfort and purpose to your life: “My daily practice is to wake and immediately bring my attention to this thought: “I am one day closer to my death. So how will I live this day? How will I greet those I meet? How will I bring soul to each moment? I do not want to waste this day.”
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June 3, 2025There was so much about this book that I loved, but also many things that my heart said to itself, "No, there is more than this." I definitely would recommend this as a read in understanding grief and embracing it as a part of the human experience. However, the human experience is not enough, and I believe in carrying my grief to the Maker of nature rather than carrying it to nature itself. I believe in the power of community for healing, but because God created it to be so.
April 30, 2025
The Wild Edge of Sorrow contains wise and compassionate observations. I am glad I read it. I will take insights from Francis Weller into my life going forward. However there are other books on grief which I treasure much more. This one is good but not transcendent. Parts read a bit dated. Perhaps the author comes for a different perspective and I could never quite make the imaginative leap as a reader to understand the lessons. If you are doing a survey of books about grief, I would include The Wild Edge of Sorrow. If you are only going to read one book on the subject, I would pick something else.
March 3, 2024
I was skeptical that this book would help my current state of grief, and pleasantly surprised. Weller has great insight, writes in an accessible language and offers comfort as well as a way to use grief to move forward. It proudly won't work for everyone, but it certainly has for me.
November 30, 2025
Welp this is the best grief book. Read this book, no matter your relationship to grief, to choose to become more deeply alive. Thank you, Francis weller, for this absolute gem.
July 7, 2024
This book had such an interesting perspective on grief. Like it says in the title, it’s very focused on a more spiritual level and kind of like reconnecting back to the Earth when it comes to the grieving process. It also touches on being very body focused and introspective when it comes to grief.
There was a lot of stuff that I underlined and want to reference back to in my own practice and to just kind of have for myself. It was a very poetic and also just like a ‘oh wow, I never thought of it that way’ kind of book. I would definitely recommend it to people who wanted to get a different perspective on what grief can be.
There was a lot of stuff that I underlined and want to reference back to in my own practice and to just kind of have for myself. It was a very poetic and also just like a ‘oh wow, I never thought of it that way’ kind of book. I would definitely recommend it to people who wanted to get a different perspective on what grief can be.
January 27, 2021
What are the main ideas?
* grief gives us access to the full depth of our humanity. not working with grief limits access to our fullness. grief is the guardian to the hall that leads to the soul.
* grief and love are inextricably bound together. without deep grief, ecstatic joy is inaccessible. the depth of our sorrow gives us appreciation for its opposite.
* the five gates of grief are a simple and beautiful framework for accessing grief even when it doesn't seem accessible:
** The First Gate: Everything We Love, We will Lose
** The Second Gate: The Places That Have Not Known Love
** The Third Gate: The Sorrows of the World
** The Fourth Gate: What We Expected and Did Not Receive
** The Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief
* being alone in solitude with our grief is necessary, just as necessary as being with others in collective grief. we need both.
If I implemented one idea from this book right now, which one would it be?
being with my grief and the grief of others can be a sacred act of service. attune to grief whenever possible, especially in america because we are so conditioned away from it.
How would I describe the book to a friend?
this book is a powerful weaving together of practices, poetry, personal stories and ancient wisdom. if grief is unfamiliar to you, this book is a great way to put a toe in the waters. if grief is familiar to you, there are layers underneath the surface that are beautifully supportive and grounded across traditions.
* grief gives us access to the full depth of our humanity. not working with grief limits access to our fullness. grief is the guardian to the hall that leads to the soul.
* grief and love are inextricably bound together. without deep grief, ecstatic joy is inaccessible. the depth of our sorrow gives us appreciation for its opposite.
* the five gates of grief are a simple and beautiful framework for accessing grief even when it doesn't seem accessible:
** The First Gate: Everything We Love, We will Lose
** The Second Gate: The Places That Have Not Known Love
** The Third Gate: The Sorrows of the World
** The Fourth Gate: What We Expected and Did Not Receive
** The Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief
* being alone in solitude with our grief is necessary, just as necessary as being with others in collective grief. we need both.
If I implemented one idea from this book right now, which one would it be?
being with my grief and the grief of others can be a sacred act of service. attune to grief whenever possible, especially in america because we are so conditioned away from it.
How would I describe the book to a friend?
this book is a powerful weaving together of practices, poetry, personal stories and ancient wisdom. if grief is unfamiliar to you, this book is a great way to put a toe in the waters. if grief is familiar to you, there are layers underneath the surface that are beautifully supportive and grounded across traditions.
March 10, 2023
A therapist who specializes in grief rituals (especially for men) shares his belief that entering into an 'apprenticeship with sorrow,' surrounded by a trusted community, is the way through. Four stars because the focus on rituals had a little too much drumming-circle flavor for my taste.
Example:
Jung said that psychology can only be helpful with the stage of insight. Beyond that, however, endurance and action require moral strength as the predominant requirement. We all know how difficult it is to truly change our character. To do so requires a degree of courage and a willingness to walk into the shadowed territories of our lives. Facing our losses—the outcast parts of us that carry shame, regrets, and defeats—demands a fortitude of spirit. This is abundantly clear in times of grief. To hold our grief in front of us and tend it with time, patience and compassion, is an act of great devotion—it is an act of heart. In the long run, change is as much devotional as it is psychological. It is out of love that we ultimately reshape our lives. It is a matter of discipline, a word which, as I tell most of the people I work with, has the same root as the word disciple. In other words, “To what will we be devoted? What is it that we will love and serve?” The hope is: our soul.
Example:
Jung said that psychology can only be helpful with the stage of insight. Beyond that, however, endurance and action require moral strength as the predominant requirement. We all know how difficult it is to truly change our character. To do so requires a degree of courage and a willingness to walk into the shadowed territories of our lives. Facing our losses—the outcast parts of us that carry shame, regrets, and defeats—demands a fortitude of spirit. This is abundantly clear in times of grief. To hold our grief in front of us and tend it with time, patience and compassion, is an act of great devotion—it is an act of heart. In the long run, change is as much devotional as it is psychological. It is out of love that we ultimately reshape our lives. It is a matter of discipline, a word which, as I tell most of the people I work with, has the same root as the word disciple. In other words, “To what will we be devoted? What is it that we will love and serve?” The hope is: our soul.
August 1, 2022
Francis Weller, I wish I could hug you.
This book was recommended to me by someone I trust very much. I had just experienced something’s that shook my foundation of self and uncovered some disturbing and deeply insightful thoughts. I did not, and still do not, have a strong diverse coping toolkit.
All of this said I took the advice and read this gem. One-sitting, cover to cover. It took a while because I could not read through my tears at points, but the beginning of a healing process this book delivered.
My relationship with grief will absolutely change and so importantly I feel as though I can understand grief more and am less ashamed of the feeling.
Thank you Francis Weller, your words were what I needed in so many ways.
This book was recommended to me by someone I trust very much. I had just experienced something’s that shook my foundation of self and uncovered some disturbing and deeply insightful thoughts. I did not, and still do not, have a strong diverse coping toolkit.
All of this said I took the advice and read this gem. One-sitting, cover to cover. It took a while because I could not read through my tears at points, but the beginning of a healing process this book delivered.
My relationship with grief will absolutely change and so importantly I feel as though I can understand grief more and am less ashamed of the feeling.
Thank you Francis Weller, your words were what I needed in so many ways.
February 27, 2021
A very difficult and tedious read for me. I might feel differently at another time of my life and I can see where this book may be useful for those wanting to better understand grief.
"There are few things as genuine as a person grieving"
Grief comes from Latin word meaning heavy. Trauma comes from a German word meaning soul-shaking.
"Grief has never been private; it has always been communal."
"Those who take the full journey into their grief come back carrying medicine for the world."
"Slowly, over many encounters with losses and departures, we become acquainted with the rites of grief."
"There are few things as genuine as a person grieving"
Grief comes from Latin word meaning heavy. Trauma comes from a German word meaning soul-shaking.
"Grief has never been private; it has always been communal."
"Those who take the full journey into their grief come back carrying medicine for the world."
"Slowly, over many encounters with losses and departures, we become acquainted with the rites of grief."
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