No Fats, No Fems: A Guide to Queer Empathy and Unpacking Prejudice

by Max Hovey

Queer activist and sex educator Max Hovey shares the essential modern guide for understanding what divides us and the path to building a better community.

Exclusionary rhetoric in online spaces like “no fats, no fems” can be an unfortunate reality for many queer people and speaks to a larger issue at hand—but it doesn’t have to be this way.

Activist Max Hovey has gained thousands of supporters worldwide by challenging stereotypes and unpacking the problematic ideologies that queer people can place on each other—and often on themselves. Combining diverse personal testimonies and the latest research from across the LGBTQIA+ community, this revolutionary guide will

prejudice in queer spaces through discussions of race, class, and identity the historical evolution of queer thought the role of intersectionality in the fight for LGBTQIA+ rights internalized homophobia and its role in creating division body image issues and the importance of sexual liberation how to accept non-conformity and handle rejection self-reflection through understanding different perspectives ways to promote positivity and acceptance in ourselves and others what having pride and community really means Regardless of background or sexual orientation, our final destination is empathy, and Max gives us all the tools needed to get there. The Velvet Rage for a modern audience, No Fats, No Fems is an urgent call to action that offers a roadmap toward stronger community and a much kinder future.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT

320 pages, Paperback

Expected publication May 19, 2026

Reviews

[Justinstaysreading]

No Fats, No Fem hit me harder than I expected—in the best way.

This is the kind of book my younger self desperately needed, but honestly… it still found things in me that needed unpacking now. As a gay man, I felt seen, validated, and at times, a little called out—and I mean that as a compliment.

The way this novel explores queer empathy, internalized biases, and the projections we place onto each other is sharp and uncomfortably real. It doesn’t sugarcoat anything, especially when it comes to how we navigate identity, validation, and belonging within our own community.

What really stood out was the exploration of process addiction—using sex as an escape or a way to chase validation. That piece felt very real and added a layer of honesty that stuck with me long after I finished.

This book doesn’t just tell a story—it holds up a mirror. It made me reflect on biases and judgments I didn’t even realize I was still carrying, and pushed me to show up better for myself and others.

And the title? Bold, unapologetic, and completely earned.

I’m choosing not to give this a star rating—this felt more like an experience than something to rank. In a way, that says everything.

Thank you to NetGalley for the ARC—this one lingers.

Honestly, it felt like a hug… just one that also calls you out and tells you to grow.

[sky · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m usually not a big nonfiction reader, but I do enjoy going in and reading about things that interests, relates to me in some type of way. Being queer, or even NOT being queer, I would say to give this a read just because it has some good overall information and genuine ways to have more empathy for people that are different from you which we need in the world right now.

My favorite part of this, was the use of real people being affected. Have trans, queer voices and shedding their light and knowledge on the subject is always a good touch in my mind.

I feel as I do have a pretty good understanding of queer knowledge (as in being queer) but I did learn things hear and there and I did also feel called out at points, which is normal but everyone should take feeling that and turn it into learning and becoming a better person.

Somethings were kind of repetitive but I feel like some people do need that to actually get things to really stick in their brain. I do wish we spent more time on sections of the community that weren’t cis gay men BUT the other communities were still talked about. Also, talking about asexuality and aromantic I was very happy to see since a lot of people usually don’t touch base on it at all.

Thank you Netgalley and HarperOne for this eArc in exchange for an honest review.

[Noah · Rating 4 out of 5]

No fats, no fems is something often read on gay dating platforms. As such, the title was what really caught my attention. This book sets out to challenge common stereotypes and explores several harmful beliefs still persistent in the queer community.

It is pretty widely known that the cis gay community in particular (though also the queer community in general) has huge problems with misogyny and racism, as well as body shaming and fatphobia. It was good to read a book that addressed those issues very clearly and from a point of compassion, while including a plethora of queer voices. I think what I loved most was that every chapter, I could just tell how much the author genuinely cares about the community and the topic!

While I did really enjoy the book, it wasn’t a lot of new information for me, so this book might be slightly better suited to someone more unfamiliar with these concepts.

Thank you to HarperOne and NetGalley for providing me with an advance copy of this book to review. Its expected publication date is May 19th, 2026.

[Kayleigh · Rating 3 out of 5]

No fats, no fems sets out to challenge common stereotypes and explores several harmful beliefs inside of and about the queer community.

The study of process addiction and how people use their bodies and sex as an escape or a way to earn validation was something that really sat with me for awhile- long after I finished reading.

I can see how reading no fats, no fems could feel validating for a lot of people, but I don’t think that I felt that. The book got kind of repetitive a couple of times but stayed within context. I appreciated having a lot of voices from the queer community dispersed throughout the book, though.

My biggest issue was that the book felt really unpolished, which could have been a result of this being an ARC and I do hope that it gets resolved before final printing so I won’t be taking stars off in this review for it.

2.75 stars.

No fats, No fems is due to be published May 19, 2026 and I received an advanced copy from Netgalley in exchange for my review.

[Lisa Gray · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m a little confused about who the target audience is for this book. The phrase “no fats, no fems” is apparently a phrase you see often on gay male dating sites and that, in the authors view, shows unconscious bias within the gay community. He says the book is for the queer community, so they can see where their bias comes from, what its impact is, and what to do about it. But most of the reviews I see from queer folks say that this book read like a term paper and was pretty basic information for that community. I am not queer; I’m a therapist who has seen a fair number of lesbian couples but only one gay male couple. So I personally learned quite a bit from this book, so much that I did not know! It was legit fascinating and I’m kinda glad I read it. But, I don’t think I’m the target audience for the book so they may have a bit of a marketing problem. I will recommend it if you are a non-queer therapist but you ever plan to see folks from the queer community as clients and specifically gay male couples. I think there’s probably a lot of valuable information here for you.

[sarah panic · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was referred this book by a friend, so I thought, why not. I am closely intwined in the queer community, being the daughter of a lesbian and identifying somewhere on the LBTQIA+ spectrum myself, I am always willing to learn more.

While I knew going into this book that it was written by a white male, for the audience that may not be myself in general, I still thought that it was very basic in nature. It was as if this person had just finished their first introduction to some sort of gender and sexuality studies~ and was spoon-feeding us the information.

The only thing that really made the book palatable for me were the inputs from individuals and the real life instances that occurred to them. For whatever reason, those moments felt more real. They did not feel the same was as the rest of the book read for me.

As always, thank you NetGalley for giving me this opportunity to read this advance copy and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Victoria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Today I finished reading No Fats, No Fems: A Guide to Queer Empathy and Unpacking Prejudice by Max Hovey. This book releases on May 19th.

The author lays out 3 intentions for this book. Their hope is to allow you to recognize where prejudices within queer spaces come from, understand the true impact they have, and help you develop empathy to encourage change in the way we treat each other.

The author takes the time to define many terms that help set a baseline for the book, and my biggest takeaway was the importance of recognizing and unpacking your unconscious bias.

The book covers so many more things, such as the intersections of racism and faith within the queer community, along with, of course, the 'NO FATS, NO FEMS' callout in the title.

I’d like to thank NetGalley and Harper Collins for the opportunity to read this advanced readers copy in return for my unbiased review.

[CJ Opal]

I read an advanced copy that was unfortunately very unpolished, so I will not be leaving a star rating. I hope that the printed version went through a few extra rounds of editing, take that as you will.

While I believe the content of this book is very important, this book was not very well done. The best parts of the book seemed to be well researched and thought out, especially the chapter on body image, but most of it felt circular and padded for word count. When presenting uncomfortable ideas in nonfiction, it's important to keep things clear and concise. A lot of the information in the book assumes that the reader knows nothing, but it isn't organized in a way that makes it easy for a beginner to jump in and engage with the information presented. If this had been a presentation or a lecture or even a documentary, I think it would've been great. As a book, I don't think it will hit the mark it's aiming for.

[Penelope Bloom · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be required reading for…everyone. Regardless of sexuality. But yes, also if you identify as queer, because I can almost guarantee you will learn something from the book. A thoughtful, sensitive, nuanced informative read that will no doubt meet its expressed goal of understanding and combating prejudice and bolstering empathy in and towards the queer community. I considered myself decently informed re: my queer knowledge but I learned a ton. And the way the stories are presented as well as the overall tone is wonderfully nonjudgmental and accessible and a true reflection on the origins of many aspects of queer life with sensitivity and a path forward to helping those outside of the queer community understand the community better but also members of the queer community, which at times can be rife with internal division, hopefully understand each other.

[Riah Wamby · Rating 4 out of 5]

Initial thoughts, full review to come

- good introduction for folks wanting to know more about intersectionality and lack there
of in queer spaces
- glad that asexuality and aromanticism were discussed, but I felt that outside of the moments they were specifically called out it wasn’t considered (basically, the importance of aspec identities was acknowledged once, but not considered in other sections)
- the last chapter telling you “what you can do” didn’t feel like it actually provided anything, and felt kind of pointless/repetitive
- appreciate the quotes from other folks in the queer community, as I think they truly helped to round out this book

[Jen · Rating 2 out of 5]

The pros: very readable, very accessible, ESPECIALLY if you are a straight, cis, white man who has maybe never encountered something like the queer community before. Also, we love a good book trying to convince people they should care about others. The cons: reads like a man took his first gender studies class in college and had to write a paper about "intersectionality".

I would love this to be marketed to the heterosexual, cisgender population, but with a title like it has, I would suspect this would draw the queers. If you have any experience in intersectionality and queerness, you'll be bored. If you don't know these things yet, I guess you'll probably learn at least TWO THINGS.

[Venneh · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good basic guide to unpacking internalized prejudice and what empathy looks like in a very specific way for the queer and gay scene. Special props to the chapter on body dysmorphia, because my god are we all eating order adjacent at some point in our lives, really. Written to be accesible to the most gay Chad among us so they can start doing the work, and a reminder that we all started from somewhere.

[Angelize Mann-Colon · Rating 2 out of 5]

while this may be a great intro in how to be a queer ally, the writing left much to be desired. it really was reminiscent of a terribly written research paper- it was too damn repetitive!