No Fats, No Fems: A Guide to Queer Empathy and Unpacking Prejudice

by Max Hovey

Queer activist and sex educator Max Hovey shares the essential modern guide for understanding what divides us and the path to building a better community.

Exclusionary rhetoric in online spaces like “no fats, no fems” can be an unfortunate reality for many queer people and speaks to a larger issue at hand—but it doesn’t have to be this way.

Activist Max Hovey has gained thousands of supporters worldwide by challenging stereotypes and unpacking the problematic ideologies that queer people can place on each other—and often on themselves. Combining diverse personal testimonies and the latest research from across the LGBTQIA+ community, this revolutionary guide will

prejudice in queer spaces through discussions of race, class, and identity the historical evolution of queer thought the role of intersectionality in the fight for LGBTQIA+ rights internalized homophobia and its role in creating division body image issues and the importance of sexual liberation how to accept non-conformity and handle rejection self-reflection through understanding different perspectives ways to promote positivity and acceptance in ourselves and others what having pride and community really means Regardless of background or sexual orientation, our final destination is empathy, and Max gives us all the tools needed to get there. The Velvet Rage for a modern audience, No Fats, No Fems is an urgent call to action that offers a roadmap toward stronger community and a much kinder future.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Queer, Audiobook, Adult, Queer Lit

320 pages, Paperback

Published May 19, 2026

Reviews

[Angelize Mann-Colon · Rating 2 out of 5]

while this may be a great intro in how to be a queer ally, the writing left much to be desired. it really was reminiscent of a terribly written research paper- it was too damn repetitive!

[Ash K · Rating 5 out of 5]

—• 4.75 •—

such an interesting read on intersectionality and how patriarchal cishet skinny eurocentric societal norms affect queer people from both outside AND inside the community. it really highlights the difference between sexually/ romantically lgbtq people and socially/politically QUEER people. I also really liked that the main author as a white cis gay man made sure to really interview, quote and highlight other queer people, performers and activists part of even more marginalized communities and subsects of the lgbtq+ umbrella to include poc/fat/disabled/gender non-conforming perspectives. it’s really important that we all use whatever little privilege we have to make sure that people who otherwise would not be listened to are heard!

[Justinstaysreading]

No Fats, No Fem hit me harder than I expected—in the best way.

This is the kind of book my younger self desperately needed, but honestly… it still found things in me that needed unpacking now. As a gay man, I felt seen, validated, and at times, a little called out—and I mean that as a compliment.

The way this novel explores queer empathy, internalized biases, and the projections we place onto each other is sharp and uncomfortably real. It doesn’t sugarcoat anything, especially when it comes to how we navigate identity, validation, and belonging within our own community.

What really stood out was the exploration of process addiction—using sex as an escape or a way to chase validation. That piece felt very real and added a layer of honesty that stuck with me long after I finished.

This book doesn’t just tell a story—it holds up a mirror. It made me reflect on biases and judgments I didn’t even realize I was still carrying, and pushed me to show up better for myself and others.

And the title? Bold, unapologetic, and completely earned.

I’m choosing not to give this a star rating—this felt more like an experience than something to rank. In a way, that says everything.

Thank you to NetGalley for the ARC—this one lingers.

Honestly, it felt like a hug… just one that also calls you out and tells you to grow.

[Pablo · Rating 3 out of 5]

3,75 estrellas sobre 5 ⭐️

Ha estado guay 🤗 Se nota que el autor se ha documentado, ha dado voz a un grupo muy diverso de personas LGTBIQ+ y ha sabido poner en práctica lo que predica y ser el primero en reconocer que los fallos no solo se encuentran más allá de la comunidad, sino en todos nosotros y en él mismo 👌

En cierto modo, me alegro de haber pensado "sí, ya lo sé" en varias ocasiones 😗 El libro ha sido como dar un repaso por lo que he tenido la suerte de ir mamando desde hace ya casi dos décadas. Quiero creer que, desde fuera, se percibe que el autor consigue educar sin faltar al respeto. Y si no, amor, dale una vuelta, ¿no? 🤪😂 Lo que realmente me gustaría es que muchas otras personas lo leyeran (y, si no, algo similar), porque siento que ni el autor, ni la gente que se nombra y/o cita en el libro, ni yo somos una representación de la norma (ni dentro ni fuera del colectivo) 🫩

Me han gustado especialmente los capítulos sobre imagen corporal, sobre género y sobre los prejuicios ⭐️

Ahora bien: se hace un poco repetitivo, mucho más hacia el final y hay algunas opiniones con las que no termino de encajar (especialmente las que tienen que ver con justificar y/o normalizar la prostitución) 😵‍💫

Además, hubiera gustado ver una mayor profundidad en el capítulo sobre amor, rechazo y relaciones sentimentales; así como en el último, que más que ofrecer las estrategias que promete en la introducción, se ha sentido más como una síntesis del libro en general 🫢 Creo que podría haberse profundizado más en la fetichización que sufrimos el colectivo LGTBIQ+, pero eso es quizá yo buscando un contenido más allá de lo que el libro, su título y su autor prometían 🙂‍↕️

All in all, para estar condensado en apenas 300 páginas, ha estado bastante bien 👍 No puedo decir que sea mi tipo de libro (prefiero consumir este mismo contenido dentro de una narrativa, en lugar de un ensayo) y la verdad es que el desarrollo de las últimas semanas no me ha permitido leerlo como me hubiera gustado 😕 Pero bueno, me alegro de haber diversificado un poco (pun intented 🫪) mi tbr de este año.

Off to the next one! ✈️

[John · Rating 3 out of 5]

A solid 3.5 outing. Incredibly important subject matter, but I found myself wandering when aspects felt repetitive.

[Creed Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

Important discourse of gay privilege and internalized homophobia. I wish there was a more academic/research presence. Also the authors random “anecdotes” felt weird and lowk self absorbed — I’m sure this wasn’t their intention but still odd vibes lol…. Kinda gave “I don’t see color”… SORRY!! Anyways every white gay man should probably read this!

[Diva Prestia · Rating 4 out of 5]

happy pride! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🤍

i think it says something good about my belief system and morals that i actually had trouble understanding the sentiments in this book at times. i just truly don’t see how queerness could be viewed as bad or wrong. it’s so beautiful and i cannot comprehend how (too many) others don’t see that

unfortunately however, they don’t. i am not going to downplay the reality of a lot of what this book touched on that developing a sense of empathy would play a monumental part in making amends for. so while a lot of this goes without saying, it still does need to be said. and i admire max for saying it all how he did and the passion with which he said it

one of my biggest points of admiration is max’s incorporation of people in this book that represent numerous corners of the queer community to talk about their particular identities. it really fortified the authenticity of each perspective and helped give the reader as much of a first hand recount of these experiences as they can get

representation is SO important - i’ve been saying this for centuries. here are multiple reasons for its immense importance that are addressed in portions of this text:
- seeing different identities, cultures, and life experiences in the media is essential for reducing stigma and fostering acceptance of oneself and others. as max explains, representation can be so poor that sometimes people are unaware these lifestyles even exist, let alone are completely valid. and as char ellesse’s friend said ‘representation is an antidote to shame’
- an important highlight in this regard was the lack of representation of feminine gay men, particularly them being portrayed as desirable. this is important not only to validate these individuals, but also to counteract misogynistic beliefs about femininity being inferior, especially when displayed by men to an even minuscule degree. (additionally, i’m glad max took the time to address misogyny within the community and acknowledge that even gay men are not incapable or exempt of being misogynistic. this highlights the invalidation queer women can experience within their own community and i think that’s very important)
- it’s good that this emphasized that queer representation is not all of a sudden going to turn anyone gay; it simply gives people all the information they are OWED to formulate an authentic and affirming understanding of themselves. god forbid the kids don’t grow up repressed and miserable 🙄 so pro life of you guys
- something i heavily appreciate being highlighted in this is the fact that prejudice against queer people (usually due to a lack of positive and comprehensive representation) is not a child’s fault for acquiring, however, it is indeed an adult’s fault for not making an effort to unlearn that prejudice and cultivate a more accepting mindset. this was emphasized at many points throughout the book and i think it is a fantastic through line to continuously harp on

there were many educational components of this book which i am grateful for. it was nice to have certain terms and concepts be further defined by someone who is close with all kinds of queer people as well as in the community themselves

speaking of which, here are some of the things i learned:
- the difference between sexual orientation, sexual identity, sexual attraction, and sexual arousal
- all the different forms of gender expression
- the existence of gender ‘corrective’ surgeries for intersex infants and how those are seen as morally upstanding but trans gender affirming care is seen as ‘mutilation’. people encourage corrective surgeries as if they’re entitled to making that decision for their child since they most likely assume they’re doing the ‘right thing’, but will still demonize trans people and fight against their access to gender affirming care when it is basically the same thing. the only difference is that trans people are making that decision for themselves and going against what the bigots want, as well as those bigots having no control over the actions of a group they deem inferior to them 🖕🏻
- all the medical hoops trans people have to go through just to be permitted to seek gender affirming care if it is available to them
- the history of the androgynous Hijra people in south asian culture, whose rights were stripped away due to colonization
- the sad fact that trans women are over sexualized while also disproportionately attacked, as well as that they’ve had to resort to sex work just to get by
- the STAR organization and sylvia rivera’s contributions during stonewall
- the existence of black pride, trans+ pride, and london trans pride
- the origins of the terms ‘heterosexual’, ‘homosexual’, and ‘cisgender’
- only 20% of bi people are out to their families compared to 63% of gay/lesbian people due to biphobia
- the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality
- the different manifestations of aromanticism and asexuality
- the origins of drag
- muscle dysmorphia and how it can manifest for men
- how the AIDS crisis unfortunately contributed to beauty standards and consequential body image issues for gay men
- size logistics for both straight and gay penetrative sex
- the different tribes of gay men and lesbians within the community
- the purpose and historical + cultural significance of these tribes
- cruising and the hanky code
- when HIV is and is not contagious, and the pharmacological makeup of PrEP
- why queer men are more likely to contract STIs than straight people
- chemsex and the obvious and severe dangers presented by it

the whole point of this book is to, yes, learn more about the queer community, but mainly to reflect on your prejudices and how you may be contributing to certain stigmas and hardships the community faces, as well as how to be a better ally. something i will take with me is the reminder that we shouldn’t assume how someone may react to us calling out a problematic statement or mindset of theirs. i always feel timid in the way of challenging these sorts of things, fearful that the other person will be mad at me or i’ll kill the vibe. avoiding challenging these things is a part part of my privilege, however, as those directly affected by these things don’t have the option to just keep quiet and move on. so it’s important for me to remember that speaking up even in uncomfortable moments is the least all of us should be doing, and that not everyone is going to get instantly defensive and upset with me if i do

along these lines, a great point that was brought up is the fact that acknowledging your own privilege doesn’t automatically make you guilty of anything. you should call out the harmful actions of those in your same groups and recognize that while you don’t contribute to perpetuating that problem yourself, others do and the problem is very much real. i feel that max did this very well himself. his candour regarding problematic behaviours he’s exhibited in the past, such as using gay as a slur pre coming out and questioning the need for the progressive pride flag, is admirable. his transparency and efforts to hold himself accountable helped the book come from a reputable place of genuine passion on the topic

while it was all great, i will say i felt the body image chapter was a bit long, and that certain sentiments became kind of repetitive at some points

overall though, this was a great read for pride! i hope max ends up putting pen to paper (or fingertips to keyboard, really) again. he is clearly a great person and i would love to read more of whatever he has to share 🫶🏻

"We rarely feel completely supported by those who don’t fully understand us. But by surrounding ourselves only with people who share our experiences, we set the foundation for being less tolerant to those who are different.”

"Taking accountability isn’t weak, it’s brave. Being in the wrong doesn’t automatically determine your character, it is instead determined by how you handle it.”

"Actively taking the time to expose ourselves to different kinds of people isn’t just about understanding others but about understanding ourselves.”

“Even if our experiences are the same, our ability to cope with them may not be. That is one of the main components of empathy: recognizing and understanding struggles we may not have had to endure ourselves.”

"Judgement comes from a place of insecurity. Acceptance grows from a place of self-love.”

"Empathy without action is still compliance.”

[CJ Opal]

I read an advanced copy that was unfortunately very unpolished, so I will not be leaving a star rating. I hope that the printed version went through a few extra rounds of editing, take that as you will.

While I believe the content of this book is very important, this book was not very well done. The best parts of the book seemed to be well researched and thought out, especially the chapter on body image, but most of it felt circular and padded for word count. When presenting uncomfortable ideas in nonfiction, it's important to keep things clear and concise. A lot of the information in the book assumes that the reader knows nothing, but it isn't organized in a way that makes it easy for a beginner to jump in and engage with the information presented. If this had been a presentation or a lecture or even a documentary, I think it would've been great. As a book, I don't think it will hit the mark it's aiming for.

[Astrophel Beeneedssleep · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and Harper One for an arc. All opinions are my own.

★ Rating: 4.5/5
Genre: Queer Nonfiction
Are There Gay People in this?*: ✅

A great jumping off point for those looking to become more informed about queer history and activism

Full disclosure, I received an arc of the ebook but was kind of struggling through it. The tone felt kind of dry and preachy in a way that I found irritating. As a result, I ended us getting the audiobook from my library, and reading the book that way. The author is also the narrator and his narration was great! I feel like it added a lot of emotion and levity that wasn't coming across (at least for me) in the text. Now, I know the author lives in London, so maybe the humor is just too British for me? Regardless, I highly recommend the audiobook edition.

I was super impressed by how wide of a net this book casts. While I was interested based off the titled, since it was something that specifically related to gay men's culture, I kind of expected this book to primarily focus on them. Now, that would have been okay, but as someone who is not a gay man I can often learn from those kinds of books, but I never really see my own experience reflected in them. However, this book took a lot of time to actually talk about how much of queer culture and image is focused on gay men and how that impacts the rest of the community.

Obviously one 300 page book is never going to teach you everything there is to know about the queer community, but this book is very aware of that, and instead focuses on giving you a strong foundation of history, and some good actionable steps for how to continue learning and becoming more empathetic.

Now, with that being said, there was one tiny thing that did start to frustrate me by the end. There are so many times in this book where Hovey will say a line/make an innuendo, and then go "sometimes literally." Now, I don't mind a bit of humor, and I actually found this pretty funny the first couple of time, but by the end of the book it felt repetitive. That doesn't take away from how valuable the information is, but it did impact my reading and therefore feels important enough to bring up.

Overall: I really love seeing more books about how queer people hurt and discriminate against each other, because I feel like it's something that I don't see talked about much outside of queer spaces. But I also love how Hovey uses this book to not only acknowledge the struggles of other queer groups, but actively uplift and platform them.

* I count a book as including gay people if any of the main or secondary characters are implicitly or explicitly queer or trans. This does not necessarily mean the protagonist is queer or that there is a queer romance

[Princesita De cristal · Rating 5 out of 5]

No one is born homophobic, or transphobic, or racist, or with any other prejudice – these views are taught. Whether it’s directly or indirectly. Whether it’s because we have never seen people who are different, or because when we have, we’ve been told by those we’re meant to look up to that it is wrong.

Bisexuality is the attraction to two or more genders, meaning gender plays an active role in attraction, as a bisexual person may not necessarily be attracted to all genders. Pansexuality is attraction regardless of gender, as gender plays little to no part in attraction to a person. That’s it. This may be easy to understand, it may take a couple of reads, or you still may not fully grasp it. That’s okay. What
matters is accepting and respecting that someone may identify differently from how others do.

When Black Lives Matter came to prominence in the media in 2020, one thing I heard repeatedly was ‘I didn’t realise it was still an issue!’ If you are a white individual with a predominantly white circle around you, then you wouldn’t. It’s not something we think about, it’s not something we face, it’s something that rarely enters our immediate field of vision – including myself.


Body image is a set of socially constructed ideas that plague modern society and fluctuate like trends in fashion. We went from idealising extreme thinness in women, dubbed ‘heroine chic’,
to the Kardashian-esque curvaceous BBL aesthetic in less than twenty years. So-called role models in the media tell us how we should look and who we should find desirable, and we have almost no say in it. We are fed the new ideal body over and over again until we feel we are no longer enough. Our overall aesthetic is the first thing people notice: the way we dress, the way we style our hair, our smiles, our eyes, our hand gestures, and our bodies.

Some people’s desire for a muscular partner isn’t born out of a malleable ‘preference’ for that body type; instead it is born out of an aversion to bodies that do not meet a set of rigid standards or are perceived as being subpar.

Over time, I realised that I didn’t want to live life like that. I didn’t want my entire self-esteem to be held up by the validation I desperately fought to receive from strangers. This makes us incredibly susceptible to being validation fiends. We crave it.


This hierarchy also makes us believe that masculinity determines perceived strength. We live in a patriarchal and misogynistic society, where femininity in any form is seen as inferior, particularly by men. Femininity has also long been associated with queerness and being submissive.

We are not born intolerant; we are taught to be through negative representation or the complete absence of it.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hovey writes with passion and patience about the diverse challenges of the queer community. Using his place at the top of the queer privilege tree as a white, cis gay man, he guides readers through the process of building understanding, empathy, and curiosity for intersectional queers. I found this book illuminating in some ways, as I haven't been exposed much to the experiences of gay men, and the body image issues, femphobia, and tribal hierarchies they deal with everyday. On the other hand, I have spent time over the past few years listening to trans+, asexual, poly, and queers who are marginalized by race or class. These voices are constantly talking about how we still need Pride, better representation in media, and support from those who have already found acceptance (even though it's still not enough) in the broader community.

I appreciated the enthusiasm Hovey has for body neutrality and breaking down dividing lines between queer people. He clearly has spent a lot of time talking with people who are different than him, and quotes them throughout the book. Toward the end he admits that this book will fall short, and he recognizes that he doesn't have it all figured out himself. He hopes that his work will pave the way for people to build more specific and inclusive messaging for the generations to come.

If you are a gay man, this book would be a great read to help check where you may have blind spots about your community and the way it excludes many. Hovey says, and I second, that gay spaces have played an important role in achieving safety for gay men who fit a certain demographic, but those spaces have failed those who are not the gay stereotype, and those who are lesbian, genderqueer, and of the global majority. For those of us who aren't cis gay men, this book might help shed light on the experiences of identities that aren't exactly like your own, but it might be better worth your while to read something written by own voices. Hovey fills a role here that is needed, but he acknowledges that hearing him talk should not replace the voices of the more marginalized. He can point out that we don't know what it's like for a Black trans woman, for instance, but he should not attempt to speak for her, and we as listeners/readers should seek that out so we can hear directly from those who are already sharing their stories.

[Rabbit · Rating 2 out of 5]

Dropped at 1/4.

Title caught my eye because I'm a heavy grindr/sniffies/etc user and see "no fats / no fems" all the time, and it seemed aimed at queer people, but it's SO basic that it seems intended for lost cishets and baby gays who haven't yet encountered queer discourse. I didn't get very far so I don't know if it improves but the beginning is also very repetitive, basically just rephrasing the same point ("attraction is socially influenced") with some quotes from queer people sprinkled in. It needed another round of editing to make it more concise.

Also did not like the author's use of "trans+", a term that was trendy a decade ago as a way of seperating "real" (aka binary) trans people from the rising tide of "those fake nonbinaries". Gonna tell you right now as a genderqueer trans guy, the term is not good nor is it useful! "Trans" is already an umbrella term for ANYONE who identifies as anything other than the gender they were assigned at birth. Splitting nonbinary and binary trans people (or dysphoric and nondysphoric trans people) by saying certain people are only included if you add a silly little plus sign to the word is transphobic, and if you want an even broader term that includes non-trans people who are gender nonconforming... you say "trans and gender nonconforming" (GNC).

I know picking at a random outdated term is a petty gripe when the author seems completely genuine and trans-affirming, but I do not trust anyone who uses it. Just VERY weird to me that he could have researched anything and still come out the other side thinking it's a term that's both useful and still used in 2026 by any meaningful number of queer people.

[Darien Olson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reading this book, I was trying to identify who is Hovey’s intended audience. The title is deceptively radical while the content is incredibly introductory. (It reads as “Intro to Gender and Sexuality Studies.”)

That dichotomy is why I struggle to identify who this book is for. If it was meant for the Queer community to build solidarity and true community, it’s too late as so many of these conversations are already happening. Also, with a majority of the book being social critique in the guise of “consciousness raising,” the lack of action steps makes it feel as if this book is meant more as a guide to allyship than for intra-community building.

The other, and maybe more primary, issue I kept coming back to was this book’s authorship. As many times as Hovey claims to only speak from his own experiences with implicit bias, internalized homophobia, etc., there’s still an authoritative nature to authoring a book. And while the inclusion of diverse voices was both welcome and necessary, it’s still centering the voice and experience of a cis, white, gay, able-bodied, conventionally attractive male. It’s probably not, but it feels performative. A more expansive (and likely more successful) conception could have been a collection of essays in which each of these individuals with different experience sets could have spoken more authentically to our intra-community problems; that would have been a more real way of sharing his platform while allowing him to write within his own experience set (the chapter in body image was one of the more compelling).

[sky · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m usually not a big nonfiction reader, but I do enjoy going in and reading about things that interests, relates to me in some type of way. Being queer, or even NOT being queer, I would say to give this a read just because it has some good overall information and genuine ways to have more empathy for people that are different from you which we need in the world right now.

My favorite part of this, was the use of real people being affected. Have trans, queer voices and shedding their light and knowledge on the subject is always a good touch in my mind.

I feel as I do have a pretty good understanding of queer knowledge (as in being queer) but I did learn things hear and there and I did also feel called out at points, which is normal but everyone should take feeling that and turn it into learning and becoming a better person.

Somethings were kind of repetitive but I feel like some people do need that to actually get things to really stick in their brain. I do wish we spent more time on sections of the community that weren’t cis gay men BUT the other communities were still talked about. Also, talking about asexuality and aromantic I was very happy to see since a lot of people usually don’t touch base on it at all.

Thank you Netgalley and HarperOne for this eArc in exchange for an honest review.

[Cole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Harper One for the #gifted copy in exchange for an honest review!

You may know Max Hovey as a sex educator and queer activist, but let’s add an accomplished author to his resume! He has made a following by challenging stereotypes in the queer community, and this new book continues that trend. It’s not uncommon to see exclusionary language like “no fats, no fems” written in dating app bios, and it’s absolutely time the queer community unpacks its own prejudices.

With anecdotes from his own life and from many diverse voices, Max Hovey expertly discusses race, class, identity, and body diversity that cut across the queer community. It’s equal parts persuasive and provocative, practical and compelling. It’s expertly written and uplifting; this book is a must-read for all members of the queer community. Max Hovey is truly a revolutionary with his bold, authentic voice, and I know this isn’t the last time we’ll hear from him!

Reviewed as part of an #ARC from the publisher.

Read this book if you:
🏛️ want a formative text in queer history and sociology
💬 lean in to social justice conversations, including hating the phrase “no fats, no fems”
🏳️‍🌈 need an inclusive text just in time for Pride

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[Noah · Rating 4 out of 5]

No fats, no fems is something often read on gay dating platforms. As such, the title was what really caught my attention. This book sets out to challenge common stereotypes and explores several harmful beliefs still persistent in the queer community.

It is pretty widely known that the cis gay community in particular (though also the queer community in general) has huge problems with misogyny and racism, as well as body shaming and fatphobia. It was good to read a book that addressed those issues very clearly and from a point of compassion, while including a plethora of queer voices. I think what I loved most was that every chapter, I could just tell how much the author genuinely cares about the community and the topic!

While I did really enjoy the book, it wasn’t a lot of new information for me, so this book might be slightly better suited to someone more unfamiliar with these concepts.

Thank you to HarperOne and NetGalley for providing me with an advance copy of this book to review. Its expected publication date is May 19th, 2026.

[Kayleigh · Rating 3 out of 5]

No fats, no fems sets out to challenge common stereotypes and explores several harmful beliefs inside of and about the queer community.

The study of process addiction and how people use their bodies and sex as an escape or a way to earn validation was something that really sat with me for awhile- long after I finished reading.

I can see how reading no fats, no fems could feel validating for a lot of people, but I don’t think that I felt that. The book got kind of repetitive a couple of times but stayed within context. I appreciated having a lot of voices from the queer community dispersed throughout the book, though.

My biggest issue was that the book felt really unpolished, which could have been a result of this being an ARC and I do hope that it gets resolved before final printing so I won’t be taking stars off in this review for it.

2.75 stars.

No fats, No fems is due to be published May 19, 2026 and I received an advanced copy from Netgalley in exchange for my review.

[Lisa Gray · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m a little confused about who the target audience is for this book. The phrase “no fats, no fems” is apparently a phrase you see often on gay male dating sites and that, in the authors view, shows unconscious bias within the gay community. He says the book is for the queer community, so they can see where their bias comes from, what its impact is, and what to do about it. But most of the reviews I see from queer folks say that this book read like a term paper and was pretty basic information for that community. I am not queer; I’m a therapist who has seen a fair number of lesbian couples but only one gay male couple. So I personally learned quite a bit from this book, so much that I did not know! It was legit fascinating and I’m kinda glad I read it. But, I don’t think I’m the target audience for the book so they may have a bit of a marketing problem. I will recommend it if you are a non-queer therapist but you ever plan to see folks from the queer community as clients and specifically gay male couples. I think there’s probably a lot of valuable information here for you.

[Tomek · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book about prejudice and need for empathy in queer spaces is definitely needed and as a sort of "beginner's guide" I think "No fats, no fems" is a good choice. At times it may seem to be repeating truisms or trying to convince the already convinced, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't find in it anything that made me stop and think. And maybe that's already a win for the author.

The contents are not an issue, but the writing style leaves some room for refinement. The issue that bothered me the most was the repetitiveness. Many statements in the book are being repeated so much, that I felt I was being preached to, not spoken to. I get that when queer people's well being is at stake, repeating something one too many times is better that being one repetition short. But doing so in a book like this one can feel like the author doesn't trust you get it.

I do recommend giving this book a try - even if it doesn't change the landscape of queer spaces, it can be a good starting point for self-reflection that eventually will.

[sarah panic · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was referred this book by a friend, so I thought, why not. I am closely intwined in the queer community, being the daughter of a lesbian and identifying somewhere on the LBTQIA+ spectrum myself, I am always willing to learn more.

While I knew going into this book that it was written by a white male, for the audience that may not be myself in general, I still thought that it was very basic in nature. It was as if this person had just finished their first introduction to some sort of gender and sexuality studies~ and was spoon-feeding us the information.

The only thing that really made the book palatable for me were the inputs from individuals and the real life instances that occurred to them. For whatever reason, those moments felt more real. They did not feel the same was as the rest of the book read for me.

As always, thank you NetGalley for giving me this opportunity to read this advance copy and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Victoria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Today I finished reading No Fats, No Fems: A Guide to Queer Empathy and Unpacking Prejudice by Max Hovey. This book releases on May 19th.

The author lays out 3 intentions for this book. Their hope is to allow you to recognize where prejudices within queer spaces come from, understand the true impact they have, and help you develop empathy to encourage change in the way we treat each other.

The author takes the time to define many terms that help set a baseline for the book, and my biggest takeaway was the importance of recognizing and unpacking your unconscious bias.

The book covers so many more things, such as the intersections of racism and faith within the queer community, along with, of course, the 'NO FATS, NO FEMS' callout in the title.

I’d like to thank NetGalley and Harper Collins for the opportunity to read this advanced readers copy in return for my unbiased review.

[Penelope Bloom · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be required reading for…everyone. Regardless of sexuality. But yes, also if you identify as queer, because I can almost guarantee you will learn something from the book. A thoughtful, sensitive, nuanced informative read that will no doubt meet its expressed goal of understanding and combating prejudice and bolstering empathy in and towards the queer community. I considered myself decently informed re: my queer knowledge but I learned a ton. And the way the stories are presented as well as the overall tone is wonderfully nonjudgmental and accessible and a true reflection on the origins of many aspects of queer life with sensitivity and a path forward to helping those outside of the queer community understand the community better but also members of the queer community, which at times can be rife with internal division, hopefully understand each other.

[Jess T · Rating 5 out of 5]

Truly almost DNF’d this book but not because it wasn’t well written. The book was thoughtful and thorough but was marketed as a “queer” book when it’s much more a gay book. As a lesbian, the talk of dicks in almost every chapter was a little bit exhausting. I’m not sure I quite learned anything I didn’t already know and even the chapters on trans women seemed to circle back to the patriarchy and how it impacted trans women’s rights. I think this book is far more important for men, queer men and ESPECIALLY queer white men to read and study and understand. A lot of the racism, misogyny, fat-phobia, etc that the queer community experience is a direct result of the patriarchy and the white men who perpetuate it.

[Jen · Rating 2 out of 5]

The pros: very readable, very accessible, ESPECIALLY if you are a straight, cis, white man who has maybe never encountered something like the queer community before. Also, we love a good book trying to convince people they should care about others. The cons: reads like a man took his first gender studies class in college and had to write a paper about "intersectionality".

I would love this to be marketed to the heterosexual, cisgender population, but with a title like it has, I would suspect this would draw the queers. If you have any experience in intersectionality and queerness, you'll be bored. If you don't know these things yet, I guess you'll probably learn at least TWO THINGS.

[Jamin · Rating 5 out of 5]

There’s a lot going on here, this book runs thru a ton of topics in just about 300 pages…but the overall takeaway is compassion. It’s centered in an argument that queer people should be kind to each other.
I can get on board with that.

My only (minor) criticism is maybe everyone who’d read a book like this is also already on board.

It’s still a worthy read and I’m giving this 5 stars on principle (because sis, the writing ain’t great).

[Dr. Lehman L Ellis · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book I would probably not picked up except for the Goodreads Challenge.. the realization of prejudices witching the LGBT+ community was not something I had considered. It gave me a more detailed understanding of the issues and the depths of these prejudices. The end of the book sums up the obvious answer but seems to escape people is teveryone is different but they are human beings and we should be able to get along and tolerate one another

[Sky · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a valuable read for me. I went in expecting one individuals experience & appreciated the pull quotes from other perspectives. While it is not comprehensive, and is from a white mans perspective, I think the author’s vulnerability on their own experience was powerful. It helped make more visible a community I am not as familiar with, prompted some really interesting thoughts about displays of masculinity, and had good discussion on body image. Would recommend.

[Maxwell Panetta · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think a lot of people can benefit from the information in this book. It was not written for me as almost none of the information was new to me. That said, this book would have been amazing when I was a baby queer!

[Taylor Banks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very informative and relevant to current times. I am very progressive, but I am still always learning new ways to hold my community close. This book also helped challenge me to call in people and educate within my capacity instead of jumping to ostracizing people.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is hard to review.
It's a great overview that is written sensitively.
On a personal level, I walked away with little. But maybe that's a badge of honor. It did however, lead me to another book to go deeper.