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Chasing Freedom
“I sound my barbaric YAWP over the rooftops of the world.” Walt Whitman
Every morning I woke up with a knife in my heart and had the same thought, “if I died today I really didn’t care. I’m already dead inside” but I suffered in silence. I had to make everyone in my life believe that I was at the top of my game. I was traveling down a path of addiction to alcohol before I graduated from high school. There was a hole in my heart that could only be filled by my addiction. I knew I was living a secret life but bringing shame upon my family was not an option. I had a reputation as one of the top athletes in my high school and an honor roll student making plans to go to law school. Saving face and maintaining that good girl reputation became my motivation for hiding my addiction. Addiction was more than just a secret. It was a lifestyle that turned into survival and living a lie.
The best time of day was in the dark of night. As soon as I snuck out my window I was protected by the veil of the night. I was intrigued by the feeling of mystery and disguise that comes out when the sun fades into darkness. I was free to once again fill the void in my heart. Secrets would be exposed before darkness faded into light and I had to face the world and live another day of lies. I became a master at living a lie and I made no apologies for it. It’s impossible to get inside the head of an addict because they don’t have the capabilities of letting anyone into their head…or their heart.
However silent that voice in my head was to those around me there was a voice of desperation that developed inside my head over time, “MAKE A CHOICE! LIFE OR DEATH!” I had woken up from a bad dream only to find myself in a real life nightmare. I was running scared and I was no longer able to hide my addiction when rage became my final hiding place. Every addict experiences a different range of emotions but they all have a tragic flaw, vulnerability. This sense of vulnerability pulsed through my veins like a silent disease. Vulnerability is the eyes and ears of every motivation that drives an addict. Once I admitted my vulnerability to myself it was the beginning of the end. I had to acknowledge that I had a problem and my world was about to crumble.
You never forget the experiences that provide the unforgiving stamp of trauma into your life; it never goes away. It never gets easier but it gets easier to live with if you choose to live instead of dying inside. The mix of past and present is still very much alive inside me and how I choose to live my life. I still have my tragic flaws as a result and if people paid closer attention to the way I operate on a daily basis it would become blatantly obvious that these experiences have influenced every part of my life including how my coping mechanisms have evolved.
I chose to fight for my life and I was able to beat my addiction. I’ve learned many lessons in life as a result. Some of those lessons have been brutally traumatizing and some have been very good. Sometimes in your darkest hour you find your deepest strength. Once I was able to deal with my emotions the need for alcohol began to decrease and the addiction was eventually a distant echo of my life that will forever remain alive in my memory.
My name is Savannah and this is my personal story of triumph over tragedy. Let’s go back to where this lifestyle started…
Every morning I woke up with a knife in my heart and had the same thought, “if I died today I really didn’t care. I’m already dead inside” but I suffered in silence. I had to make everyone in my life believe that I was at the top of my game. I was traveling down a path of addiction to alcohol before I graduated from high school. There was a hole in my heart that could only be filled by my addiction. I knew I was living a secret life but bringing shame upon my family was not an option. I had a reputation as one of the top athletes in my high school and an honor roll student making plans to go to law school. Saving face and maintaining that good girl reputation became my motivation for hiding my addiction. Addiction was more than just a secret. It was a lifestyle that turned into survival and living a lie.
The best time of day was in the dark of night. As soon as I snuck out my window I was protected by the veil of the night. I was intrigued by the feeling of mystery and disguise that comes out when the sun fades into darkness. I was free to once again fill the void in my heart. Secrets would be exposed before darkness faded into light and I had to face the world and live another day of lies. I became a master at living a lie and I made no apologies for it. It’s impossible to get inside the head of an addict because they don’t have the capabilities of letting anyone into their head…or their heart.
However silent that voice in my head was to those around me there was a voice of desperation that developed inside my head over time, “MAKE A CHOICE! LIFE OR DEATH!” I had woken up from a bad dream only to find myself in a real life nightmare. I was running scared and I was no longer able to hide my addiction when rage became my final hiding place. Every addict experiences a different range of emotions but they all have a tragic flaw, vulnerability. This sense of vulnerability pulsed through my veins like a silent disease. Vulnerability is the eyes and ears of every motivation that drives an addict. Once I admitted my vulnerability to myself it was the beginning of the end. I had to acknowledge that I had a problem and my world was about to crumble.
You never forget the experiences that provide the unforgiving stamp of trauma into your life; it never goes away. It never gets easier but it gets easier to live with if you choose to live instead of dying inside. The mix of past and present is still very much alive inside me and how I choose to live my life. I still have my tragic flaws as a result and if people paid closer attention to the way I operate on a daily basis it would become blatantly obvious that these experiences have influenced every part of my life including how my coping mechanisms have evolved.
I chose to fight for my life and I was able to beat my addiction. I’ve learned many lessons in life as a result. Some of those lessons have been brutally traumatizing and some have been very good. Sometimes in your darkest hour you find your deepest strength. Once I was able to deal with my emotions the need for alcohol began to decrease and the addiction was eventually a distant echo of my life that will forever remain alive in my memory.
My name is Savannah and this is my personal story of triumph over tragedy. Let’s go back to where this lifestyle started…
231 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 19, 2014
2 people want to read
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