Friends and Enemies: Our Need to Love and Hate

by Dorothy Rowe

One of our most admired and loved psychologists turns her attention to the essence of the good relationship, and why we need enemies as well as friends. At the end of each of her books Dorothy Rowe describes how happiness and satisfaction come not just from achievements but from enjoying good relationships with other people. To date, however, she has not explored what constitutes a rewarding friendship, and in Friends and Enemies she sets out to do just that. But if human beings crave good relationships, they also need bad ones. In imagining we have enemies we at least have the comfort of knowing that someone, somewhere, is thinking of us. At every level both people and nations seek out hate-figures, whether they are children at school or the Serbs and Albanians in Kosovo. By delving into what it is that makes us hate as well as what makes us love and need each other, Dorothy Rowe addresses fundamental issues of human behaviour, drawing upon her own prodigious wisdom and the work of neuroscientists and intelligence specialists to show not only what friendship is but how it may be learned as a skill.

560 pages, Paperback

First published June 21, 2012

About the author

The psychologist who has changed how we understand depression and happiness

"Dorothy Rowes is the calm voice of reason in an increasingly mad world"
Sue Townsend

Dorothy Rowe is a world-renowned psychologist and writer. Her explanation of depression gives the depressed person a way of taking charge of their life and leaving the prison of depression forever.

She shows how we each live in a world of meaning that we have created. She applies this understanding to important aspects of our lives, such as emotional distress, happiness, growing old, religious belief, politics, money, friends and enemies, extraverts and introverts, parents, children and siblings.

Her work liberates us from the bamboozling lies that mental health experts and politicians tell in order to keep us in our place and themselves in power.

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Reviews

[S'hi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am still processing much of the material from this book for discussion groups with the Patience Grace Pathway to Peace process which I run in workshop or individual counselling sessions. Although this process is mainly based on bullying issues in schools and community groups at the moment, it may also be used for couple counselling, sibling issues, and a variety of other concerns in work or community environments.
I interviewed Dorothy Rowe by phone many years ago when I first reviewed one of her books for a magazine I edited for writing groups in institutional settings. She continues to be full of rich insights, broad connections, and practical approaches for the full gamut of human interactions.
I feel well supported to be able to reference her work so extensively in the various sessions I run.

[Lynne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Using examples from Northern Ireland, the Middle East, South Africa, the former Yugoslavia, etc, the author looks at what defines a group, how enemies of the group are created and what is needed for the reconciliation process. She also deals with relationships between individuals, drawing heavily on her own life experience and work as a psychologist for her conclusions. There were times when I felt that this lead to bias in her thinking, but overall I found this an excellent book.