You Don't Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms

by Amanda Ann Gregory, Mia Barron (Reader)

You can find peace, whether or not you forgive those who harmed you.

Feeling pressured to forgive their offenders is a common reason trauma survivors avoid mental health services and support. Those who force, pressure, or encourage trauma survivors to forgive can unknowingly cause harm and sabotage their recovery. And such harm is entirely unnecessary--especially when research shows there is no consensus among psychologists, psychiatrists, and other professionals about whether forgiveness is necessary for recovery at all.

You Don't Need to Forgive is an invaluable resource for trauma survivors and their clinicians who feel alienated and even gaslighted by the toxic positivity and moralism that often characterizes attitudes about forgiveness in psychology and self-help. Bringing together research and testimony from psychologists, psychotherapists, criminologists, philosophers, religious leaders, and trauma survivors, psychotherapist and expert in complex trauma recovery Amanda Ann Gregory explores the benefits of elective forgiveness and the dangers of required forgiveness. Elective forgiveness gives survivors the agency to progress in their recovery on their own terms. Forgiveness is helpful for some, but it is not universally necessary for recovery; each person should have the power to choose.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Social Work

Audio CD

Published February 25, 2025

About the author

Amanda Ann Gregory is a trauma psychotherapist renowned for her work in complex trauma recovery, notably as the author of You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms.

With a keen focus on the specific needs of trauma survivors, Gregory's expertise spans over 17 years in clinical practice. Gregory holds clinical licenses in Illinois, Missouri, and Texas, alongside EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and National Counseling certifications. Her writing has been featured in The New York Times, Psychology Today, and Psychotherapy Networker. She practices in Chicago, Illinois, and lives in the city with her partner and their sassy black cat, Mr. Bojangles. .

Reviews

[Amy Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this book was going to be some anti-forgiveness manifesto, but it wasn’t. It’s an honest account of what complex trauma recovery is actually like. I appreciate that the author shared her own trauma experiences and her own recovery. She didn’t come across as a professional know-it-all, which a lot of self-help authors tend to do. The whole book was pretty relatable and helpful. The tools, scripts, and exercises were a good resource for me, as a trauma survivor myself. Also, the concept of elective forgiveness made a lot of sense, more sense than forcing it.

[Lisa Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are not many subjects I can think of that are as misunderstood as forgiveness. Especially as a therapist who came from a church background, I’ve said “forgiveness is not reconciliation” so many times, my head hurts. This book, then, is MUCH needed, and not like any other book I’ve ever read on the topic. If you see clients with trauma - even, or especially, if you are not a trauma therapist - you MUST read this if you want to be trauma-informed about forgiveness. Gregory defines trauma and forgiveness, discusses anger & shame, talks about religious influences and provides answers to forgiveness advocates. Two main takeaways from this book: 1. Forgiveness is always ELECTIVE, and 2. Forgiveness is not necessary for healing but safety is. Safety ALWAYS trumps forgiveness. So good, thrilled this book is available very soon. Please get a copy & recommend to your clients.

[BlueFalkon95 · Rating 5 out of 5]

You don’t need to Forgive by Amanda Ann Gregory LCPC, is indeed a very interesting and informative book which informs readers about Childhood Complex Trauma and PTSD along with the different types of trauma. Some say that with trauma survivors should forgive those that have abused them while others say that there’s no need to forgive them whereas the author says that it’s the survivors choice to forgive them. As a childhood trauma survivor I have taken the Christian way of forgiveness and offering the other cheek. Since reading this book but skipping over certain chapters about anger, shame, religion and social justice as they didn’t affect me. I have accepted that I won’t receive a conscience apology and I’ve chosen not to have anything to do with my siblings as they won’t apologize for bullying me and gaslighting me as they don’t love me as they should as if they actually love me they wouldn’t have done what they did. I recommend this book to those who have abused, the sufferers and their families.

[Leigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve worked with patients with PTSD for over 30 years and I’m glad that someone’s finally challenging the narrative that forgiveness heals trauma. Who started this oversimplified exaggeration? This book gives a more realistic and compassionate perspective on forgiveness that beneficial for therapists and counselors. The chapters about safety, anger, shame, and the 20 recovery methods were the most beneficial to me. The anecdotes and real-life examples made the theoretical concepts more accessible and relatable than The Body Keeps the Score. Therefore, I would recommend it to my clients.

[JuliaR · Rating 5 out of 5]

"You don't need to forgive" was a surprise in content and in writing style, both positive experiences for me. Even though the main point of the book is made in its title, its structure delivered a considerable amount of supporting information and good examples for both survivors and clinicians working with trauma patients.

The dual approach, focusing both on clinicians and survivors, made the book easier to digest. In my opinion, it's a great service to survivors too, as it gives them the opportunity to look at their recovery through a different lens. The amount of different perspectives and the sections on how to respond to those who might insist on forgiveness were a highlight, again a great service to patients in their trauma recovery journey.

As the point of the book was very straightforward, it sometimes became repetitive. It's not hard to overlook, considering that it is to be taken as a teaching experience and a sort of guidebook. It didn't take merit from the message, just reinforced it.

Overall I had a great experience reading the book, the author's research on the topic and even her personal opinions and own story. I recommend this book both to clinicians/therapists, even those not working with trauma related cases, and in particular to survivors struggling to make peace with their recovery process.

Thank you Netgalley, Broadleaf Books and the author for the advanced reader copy in exchange for my personal opinion.

[Gabee · Rating 4 out of 5]

NOTE: THIS BOOK MENTIONS TRAUMATIC SITUATIONS WITH NO TRIGGER OR CONTENT WARNINGS

This is an incredibly helpful book. It covers a lot of ground, and explores potential boundaries to forgiveness or not forgiving that anyone may be grappling with and gives you the resources you need to decide if forgiveness is something that you electively want to explore rather than a necessary part of anyone’s healing journey.

It also serves as a guide to exploring different types of therapy for trauma survivors, which makes it an excellent resource.

However, the reason for 4/5 stars in my rating is that while the author speaks to and provides resources for both clinicians and survivors, it often felt like parts of the book were geared exclusively towards clinicians. I would love to see the two separated, but it still had great insight, advice, research, and guidance. It also does not utilize trigger warnings and mentions traumatic situations a bit too casually (they aren’t off topic, just shocking). I feel like because the book is not specifically targeting just a clinical audience but also trauma survivors, I wish the author had taken this into consideration.

All in all, a good book, but a hard read at parts due to difficult content, and not all content being exclusively for survivors. I would recommend it more to a clinician to walk through with their patient rather than a survivor reading independently.

[Janelle Bogart · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone who is anyone NEEDS to read this book. Whether you are a survivor of trauma, a friend or family member who knows a survivor of trauma or a therapist looking to help your clients, this book hits the nail straight on the head.
My entire adult life I have been told that I needed to forgive my emotionally and physically abusive mother for all the reasons this book mentions: “but she’s your mother”, “you only get one mom” and my favorite, “the Bible says it’s the right thing to do.” And while I know these people were all well intentioned, their advice wasn’t helpful. No one had experienced my trauma, why did they feel entitled to tell me how to deal with it? Furthermore my mom wasn’t seeking my forgiveness nor was she actively trying to change her behavior. The irony of these comments was that they either came from people who didn’t know my mother or knew my mother and discontinued their relationship with her after experiencing her abuse themselves. This book felt like my justification for all the decisions I made to separate myself from abusive people.
Gregory defines trauma and forgiveness and prioritizes the safety of the survivor above all. The stories of other trauma survivors made me cry. It gave me permission to not criticize behaviors I have (anger, distrust of religion and revenge fantasies) and instead described them as healthy coping mechanisms. The book also tackles the hard subjects of how religion, sexism and racism are used to guilt the victim into premature forgiveness just to protect the abuser and keep the status quo. Despite the title, Gregory promotes “elective forgiveness” which means using forgiveness as a potential avenue but not making it the goal in recovery. She shares her own heartbreaking story and ends the book admitting she hasn’t forgiven her parents or reconciled with her extended family which felt incredibly satisfying.

This book made me feel seen. And I can’t thank the author (another survivor of physical and emotional abuse) for putting her perspective out into the world. We need more Amanda Ann Gregory’s.

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who reads a lot of nonfiction, especially books on psychology, trauma, and personal development, You Don’t Need to Forgive immediately stood out. It cuts through the usual self-help noise with a message that’s long overdue: healing doesn’t have to include forgiveness.

This book blends emotional insight with grounded, practical thinking. It’s not dramatic or preachy, it’s thoughtful and deeply respectful of the complexity of human relationships and pain. The writing is clear, accessible, and free of fluff, which I value in nonfiction.
This book challenges conventional wisdom in a way that feels empowering rather than confrontational. It doesn’t dismiss forgiveness entirely; it simply removes the pressure and opens up space for other valid ways of moving forward.

If you enjoy nonfiction that’s compassionate, thought-provoking, and willing to challenge mainstream narratives, this is absolutely worth reading. 

[K.W. · Rating 5 out of 5]

A comprehensive critical synthesis of the empirical and clinical research into the potential benefits of elective forgiveness—and the iatrogenic harm of forced forgiveness—in recovery from chronic interpersonal traumatization. As a therapist who specializes in treatment of complex PTSD, and has read dozens of books tailored to helping clients safely and enduringly integrate relational abuse and neglect, I would rank Gregory's among the very best few of such books, with those of trauma pioneers like Judith Herman, Laura S. Brown, and Pete Walker. Phenomenal work.

[Robin Ginther-Venneri · Rating 5 out of 5]

You Don't Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms
By: Amanda Ann Gregory, LCPC
Publisher: Broadleaf Books
Release Date: February 25, 2025
Length: 273 pages
Triggers: Discussions of trauma, abuse, PTSD, religious trauma, and social justice issues.
Star Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

An Empowering and Essential Guide to Trauma Recovery

Amanda Ann Gregory’s You Don't Need to Forgive is an essential and thought-provoking resource for trauma survivors and mental health professionals alike. With its central premise that forgiveness is a choice—not a requirement—this book challenges the conventional wisdom that healing is incomplete without forgiving one’s abuser. Through a blend of psychological research, expert testimony, and deeply personal survivor narratives, Ms. Gregory offers an alternative path to recovery that prioritizes individual agency, safety, and emotional well-being.

Breaking Down the Myth of Forced Forgiveness

One of the book’s most compelling arguments is its rejection of the toxic positivity surrounding forgiveness. Ms. Gregory carefully dissects the idea that survivors must forgive to heal, exposing the harm that coercing forgiveness can inflict. This book does not condemn forgiveness itself but instead introduces the concept of elective forgiveness—the idea that survivors should have the power to decide whether forgiveness is beneficial to them. The message is clear: forgiveness can be healing for some, but it is not a universal requirement for recovery.

Ms. Gregory integrates insights from psychologists, psychotherapists, criminologists, philosophers, religious leaders, and trauma survivors to illustrate the complexities of forgiveness in the healing process. The research-backed approach reinforces that recovery is deeply personal and should not be dictated by societal or religious expectations.

A Book for Both Clinicians and Survivors

The book is structured in a way that makes it accessible and valuable to both trauma survivors and mental health professionals. For therapists and counselors, Ms. Gregory provides guidance on how to be truly trauma-informed about forgiveness, ensuring they do not unknowingly harm their clients by pressuring them to forgive prematurely or at all. Clinicians will find the discussions on anger, shame, and religious influences particularly insightful.

For survivors, You Don't Need to Forgive validates feelings of anger and resistance toward forced forgiveness. The book offers practical tools, scripts, and exercises to help individuals set boundaries, navigate difficult conversations, and prioritize their own safety and well-being. Many readers will find solace in Ms. Gregory’s personal experiences and the real-life survivor stories included in the book.

A Much-Needed Shift in the Trauma Recovery Narrative

This book is a crucial addition to trauma literature, especially for those who have struggled with religious trauma or societal pressures around forgiveness. Ms. Gregory’s arguments resonate deeply, particularly in cases where survivors are urged to reconcile with abusive family members or toxic relationships. The emphasis on safety over forgiveness is a powerful shift in the conversation, giving survivors permission to heal in the way that best serves them.

Key Takeaways:

Forgiveness is always elective, never required. Survivors should have the freedom to choose if and when they want to forgive, without coercion.

Healing is not dependent on forgiveness. Recovery can happen without granting forgiveness to one’s abuser.

Safety is paramount. Prioritizing personal safety—both physical and emotional—should always take precedence over societal expectations of forgiveness.

Anger, shame, and boundary-setting are essential topics in trauma recovery. The book offers effective strategies for managing these emotions in a healthy way.

Final Thoughts: A Must-Read for Trauma Survivors and Mental Health Professionals

You Don't Need to Forgive is an incredibly validating and empowering read. Ms. Gregory’s work brings much-needed balance to the conversation around forgiveness, offering survivors an alternative path to healing that prioritizes self-care and personal autonomy. Whether you are a survivor seeking clarity and support, a therapist looking to enhance your trauma-informed practice, or simply someone interested in a more nuanced discussion of forgiveness, this book is a must-read.

Highly recommended for its compassionate, well-researched, and transformative approach to trauma recovery.

[Andrew McNaughton · Rating 5 out of 5]

For a clinical social worker like me who specializes in working with individuals navigating the often interwoven challenges of substance use and trauma, You Don’t Need to Forgive offers a compelling and, at times, necessary counterpoint to traditional recovery narratives that center forgiveness as a moral or psychological imperative.

The title alone is provocative in a field where 12-step models and spiritual frameworks frequently place a heavy emphasis on forgiveness as a crucial milestone in healing. What this book dares to do, and does well, is decouple recovery and personal growth from the expectation that victims must eventually absolve those who hurt them. For many of my clients, this expectation has been not only burdensome but also retraumatizing.

I approach my work as a psychotherapist from an REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) standpoint. This book aligns strongly with key tenets of emotional responsibility and realistic, flexible thinking. It challenges irrational beliefs such as, “I must forgive to heal” or “If I don’t forgive, I’m a bad person," that often contribute to guilt, shame, and emotional paralysis. Instead, the book promotes healthier alternatives such as, “I may choose not to forgive, and I can still live meaningfully” or “I can release anger without condoning the harm that was done.” This perspective is not only valid—it’s liberating for those who’ve felt trapped in the dogma of forgiveness.

Importantly, You Don’t Need to Forgive does not promote bitterness or revenge. Rather, it encourages boundaries, accountability, and autonomy, principles that are deeply resonant with both trauma-informed care and REBT's focus on self-empowerment and rational living.

If you're a clinician, I’d recommend this book not as a replacement for existing therapeutic models, but as a complementary resource, especially for clients whose experiences don’t fit neatly within spiritually or culturally driven mandates to forgive.

I received an advanced readers copy of this book and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Jonathan D · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s rare to come across a piece of work that is both analytically rigorous and accessible to a broad audience, let alone one that is both of these things while also making a novel intervention into the discourse in which it is situated, and this book is all of these things.
It cannot be overstated how difficult it is to write a book that will appeal to clinicians, academics, trauma survivors, and also simply anyone who is interested in psychology and even moral philosophy, yet Amanda Gregory accomplishes this, and thus this book occupies a special place in the space of contemporary psychological literature.
The assumption that forgiveness is an unqualified good, or that extending forgiveness to an offender is a universal ethical duty, has become rather hegemonic in contemporary Western culture, dominated as it is by Judeo-Christian moralism. Though Gregory does not categorically reject forgiveness, she nonetheless dismantles the aforementioned assumptions in ways that are grounded not only in theoretical and scientific/clinical rigor, but also in empathy and lived experience. It goes without saying that any trauma survivor who has been pressured to forgive their offender(s), or that anyone who has suspected that forgiveness may not always be salutary (let alone obligatory), will find this book profoundly validating. Forgiveness may be healthy and advisable for a great number of survivors, yet pressuring survivors to practice forgiveness often centers the perspective of their offenders at the expense of their own. Of particular note, in my opinion, is the powerful chapter on social justice, in which Gregory discusses the ways in which forgiveness is often weaponized against minoritized and marginalized populations in order to obfuscate power imbalances and reinforce the interests of oppressors.
For all of these reasons, You Don’t Need To Forgive is one of the best books you can read this year!

[Catherine Sanders · Rating 5 out of 5]

You Don't Need to Forgive is a must-read for anyone exploring forgiveness as part of trauma recovery—both survivors and the clinicians who support them.

Amanda affirms that there is no "one size fits all" treatment for trauma survivors. People, including therapists, who claim that forgiveness of perpetrators is a necessity for healing from trauma/abuse are harmful at worst and misguided at best. While she acknowledges that forgiveness can indeed be meaningful and healing for many survivors, establishing safety- both physical and emotional- is an absolute prerequisite. Without safety, forgiveness risks perpetuating harm rather than resolving it.

I am a psychotherapist that often works with people who have experienced intimate sexual betrayal in their primary relationships, known as betrayal trauma. I have seen firsthand how complex and challenging the concept of forgiveness can be for trauma survivors. Many of the clients I work with struggle deeply with the idea of forgiving their partners, as forgiveness often feels like lowering their defenses, risking further pain or betrayal, or endorsing their partners’ bad behavior. Others feel that forgiveness is necessary for repairing the relationship and moving forward. This book has provided me with essential clinical insight and language to support clients in navigating these questions. Most importantly, it affirms that safety and agency must come before forgiveness. In fact, safety and agency must come first in any trauma treatment or intervention.

Amanda Gregory is a gifted writer, and her compassion, clinical expertise, and dedication to trauma recovery are evident throughout this book. I look forward to reading whatever Amanda writes next.

[Erica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be intriguing as a people pleaser who always feels the need to forgive people for the things they do without taking into account my own feelings. I liked the approach this book took on the toxic positivity that surrounds the need to forgive people even when the person does not want to forgive the actions, sometimes accepting the past cannot and will not change is enough to help a person heal. Often in society we are told by others that we need to forgive to be able to heal and this book broke down the reasons why that concept is not true. The concept of elective forgiveness is introduced which I have not heard of prior to now, which is the idea that the person who was traumatized should be the one to decide how much they want to forgive and how beneficial that is to them as a person.
As a person who has endured trauma at the hands of others, I found this book to be validating for the feelings of anger, hurt and resentment that are held years after trying to forgive. The tools and exercises offered in this book are very helpful, and seemingly practical to use. The overall theme of the book is that people can heal from their traumas without forgiving the person or people who caused them, and that anger, shame and the need for boundaries are all very important when recovering from trauma.

[Wynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Approved by a Relationship Specialist

In my clinical work with individuals struggling with relationship issues, this book offers a refreshing clarity and compassion that is often absent from mainstream therapeutic ideas and modalities.

For many of my clients, particularly those with histories of relational trauma, emotional neglect, or boundary violations, the pressure to forgive too soon, or at all, has interfered with their ability to validate their pain and reclaim agency over their lives. This book enables my clients to heal in a manner that meets their individual needs. This is deeply resonant for clients navigating toxic or abusive relationship patterns, where forgiveness has sometimes been used as a form of coercion or gaslighting. The book emphasizes that withholding forgiveness is not inherently vindictive; sometimes, it’s an act of profound self-respect.

Clinically, this book aligns well with relational and trauma-informed approaches. It offers language for clients who need to make peace with themselves first, before making peace with others. And it reinforces the truth that emotional healing is not linear, and not dependent on whether someone else has made amends or been forgiven.
In short, this book is a powerful and validating resource for clients and therapists navigating the messiness of real-life harm, accountability, and healing.

[Leanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a trauma psychotherapist specializing in neurofeedback, I work daily with nervous systems shaped by chronic stress, abuse, neglect, and unresolved relational wounds.

You Don’t Need to Forgive is a profoundly validating book, for both clients and clinicians, because it speaks a truth that somatic trauma work often reveals, but language-based therapy sometimes struggles to hold: not all healing requires forgiveness.

From a neurobiological perspective, forgiveness is often conceptualized as a release of sympathetic arousal, a letting go of anger or vigilance. But in reality, many clients are pressured to forgive cognitively while their bodies remain dysregulated, unsafe, and unheard. This book respects that dissonance. It honors the body’s wisdom and the trauma survivor’s right to protect themselves, even when that means not forgiving those who caused harm.

In neurofeedback, we help the brain and nervous system learn safety through regulation, not moral pressure. This book mirrors that principle. It doesn’t moralize. It invites. It doesn’t demand a specific outcome. It offers space to feel, to grieve, to set limits, and to heal at the pace the body allows.

I highly recommend this book to fellow trauma therapists, somatic practitioners, and anyone working with survivors.

[Espen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book took me a while to read. Not because it was bad but because it was so good that it took me on my own journey of trauma recovery. I learned how to deal with my trauma, to accept that I can't change what happened in the past, and how to establish a safe environment so that hopefully I will suffer from the least amount of trauma in the future as possible.

I knew from the first few pages that this book would be a rollercoster of emotions for me. And I was right. I cried in the Introduction.

I'm not ready to forgive my parents for emotional neglect as a child. I'm not ready to forgive the people who bullied me in school. I'm not ready to forgive society for painting me as less than a human just because I'm trans. Maybe I'll never be ready to forgive, and that's okay. I no longer believe that I need to forgive to recover.

My favourite quote was: "To thrive, you must first survive."

Thank you to NetGalley, Broadleaf Books, and the author for the opportunity to read this book in exchange for my honest review.

[Bob · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Jewish tradition, forgiveness is a nuanced and often misunderstood concept. We are taught, especially around the High Holidays, to seek and grant forgiveness, but also that true teshuvah (repentance) requires accountability. One is not obligated to forgive someone who has not sincerely apologized or made amends. You Don’t Need to Forgive resonates deeply with this aspect of Jewish thought: that forgiveness is not automatic, and it certainly is not owed.

This book affirms a truth that is both emotionally and spiritually relevant, that it is possible to heal, set boundaries, and find peace without extending forgiveness to someone who has caused real harm, especially if that harm has never been acknowledged or repaired. In a world that often romanticizes unconditional forgiveness, the author’s perspective feels both ancient and radical.

You Don’t Need to Forgive doesn’t reject forgiveness, but it restores it to its rightful place: as a choice, not a commandment.

[Colleen Reilly · Rating 5 out of 5]

You Don’t Need to Forgive directly challenges the belief that people who’ve experienced trauma must forgive those who have harmed them, a notion that, despite its ubiquity, lacks empirical evidence.

I love how this book exposes the surprising scarcity of rigorous, long-term research supporting forgiveness as a universally effective or necessary therapeutic intervention. Much of the existing literature relies on correlational studies with methodological limitations, such as small sample sizes, homogeneous participant groups, or self-reported outcomes that fail to capture the complexity of forgiveness in trauma recovery.

In centering the limitations of forgiveness research, this book serves as an important corrective in conversations about trauma recovery. It encourages a shift away from moral pressure and toward a more scientifically sound and ethically sensitive view of what trauma survivors truly need to heal.

[Ricardo Rizo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honestly, I approached this book with some hesitation, unsure how it would align with my Catholic values. What I found, however, was not a rejection of forgiveness, but a nuanced and compassionate exploration of the process behind it that aligns with the Church’s recognition of human dignity.

What stood out most was the respect for personal readiness. In Catholic teaching, forgiveness is an act of the will, but that act must be genuine. If someone is pressured into it before they are ready, whether by others or by themselves, it may not be true forgiveness at all.

This book honors that truth and gives voice to those who are still in the trenches of healing.
You Don’t Need to Forgive doesn’t steer readers away from forgiveness; it helps them prepare their hearts to do it honestly, and that, to me, is empowering. 

[Lesley Noro · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is book is definitely a concept I can embrace. The choice to forgive or try something new is ours. It's refreshing to read a book that says it's ok to get rid of the guilt and shame left from the past. Gregory gives the reader permission to honor their pain, set boundaries, and heal on their own terms in their own time. She introduces the idea that forgiveness (while necessary in some circumstances) is not the only answer. There are other ways to work through the hurt and anger and be able to come to terms with the challenges brought on by the ordeals. The book gives the reader a look at the choices they have to move forward. The book is clear compassionate and empowering.

You Don't Need to Forgive is a must-read for anyone tired of being told to "just let it go and move on."

Lesley N.
Myrtle Beqcxh

[Debbie Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Growing up, I was taught that forgiveness was a moral duty, something you did to be a good person, no matter what someone had done to you. We didn’t talk much about boundaries or emotional safety. You just kept the peace, buried the pain, and got on with life.

You Don’t Need to Forgive turns that old script on its head, and frankly, I wish I’d read something like this decades ago. The author doesn’t preach or shame. Instead, they offer a respectful and thoughtful perspective: that healing doesn’t have to include forgiving people.

This book helped me reconsider beliefs I didn’t even realize I was carrying. It’s not about holding grudges, it’s about honoring your truth and letting go in your own way. For those of us raised to stay silent, stay polite, and “forgive and forget,” this is a refreshing and empowering read.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book reshaped my perception of my role as a partner of a complex trauma survivor. I used to believe that forgiveness was always the way to go so I encouraged my partner to forgive their abusive parents, thinking it would help. This book helped me to see that I was adding pressure rather than providing support.

Now, instead of urging them to forgive, I focus on helping them feel safe and empowered. I’ve realized that my job isn’t to dictate their recovery but to help them find what works for them. The 20 treatment methods were helpful in that area.

I recommend this book if you love a trauma survivor and want to understand their experience and learn how you can be a supportive partner.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED this book. I understand why the title is what it is but truly this book is so much more. The author covers a variety of topics related to forgiveness while also explaining how more harm can be done by forcing people to adopt believes and philosophies that they may not align with. I particularly liked the part of the book where she explains various religions’ beliefs about forgiveness. Lastly her connection to feeling safe as a fundamental first step to take if someone is on a forgiveness journey makes so much sense.

I don’t know how I came across this book or why I decided to read it as I typically wouldn’t read something on this topic but I am so glad I did. I highly recommend it!

[Debra M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m giving this book four stars, not five, mainly because I often felt the author’s emotions rather than my own while reading it. I loved how she presented evidence both FOR and not necessarily FOR forgiveness. The review of the literature was definitely helpful in navigating some of the difficult areas of trauma survival and to forgive or not forgive. I especially appreciated how she spoke about the need for safety in any trauma-related therapy process. That concept helped me have the A-HA moment about why I am simply not able to feel safe with those whom I should feel safe around. As I finished the book, I found in it a great mantra… “Some people make peace with the past but not with the people of the past.” And that’s perfectly okay!

[Liz Brooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am grateful to have received an advanced reader copy of this book, and am leaving a review voluntarily. This is an incredibly informative book that dives deeply into the variables that influence the experience of forgiveness. It is dense, technical, and clinical, so it may not be appropriate for all readers, as it is not a light read. However, if you want an immensely in depth look at and understanding of forgiveness in order to inform your perspective and experience of forgiveness, and/or your mental health practices surrounding forgiveness, if you are in the field, this is a wonderful read.

[Suze82 · Rating 5 out of 5]

toxic know it alls
After suffering a trauma the last thing you need is a know it all person telling you how easy it is to go on, all you have to do is... No - everybody has to find their individual way to cope and live on, there is no one fits all solution and the least thing we can expect is compassion. I really can´t belive why the focus is still more on the perpetrators than the victims and those who were lucky to be spared a traumatic experience should rather listen than voice their opinions.

[Ryanhunt14 · Rating 5 out of 5]

You Don't Need to Forgive achieves a lot in a refreshingly straight forward, well- researched package. First and foremost, Gregory challenges conventional wisdom with reason and precision, laying out empowering concepts like elective forgiveness and the embrace of unforgiveness in a practical, thoughtful guide for trauma survivors and clinicians alike. Importantly, I'm neither a survivor or clinician, but found the complex social history of forgiveness and Gregory's expert, nuanced treatment of it to be a very good read, indeed.

[Book Addict · Rating 4 out of 5]

Compelling

The key message of the book "You Don't Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms" challenges the conventional therapy and wisdom that forgiveness is a necessary step in healing from trauma. In the book, she advocates alternative approaches, such as establishing safety and other features of healing. It's a compelling read as she is both a therapist, as well as survivor. Her evidence is research based and her practical advice is really useful. Recommended

[Audrey Stars in Her Eye · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fantastic book that looks into the research behind forgivness and how and why forgiveness may or may not be beneficial to some one going through trauma. The author looks at different forms of therapy and how each once comprehends and uses therapy as well as a a variety of religions (and not just the three Abrahamic religions). The author speak to both patinents and clinicans makingt this a read for everyone.

I recevied an ARC through NetGalley; all opinions are my own.