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Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship Across America
A moving and provocative exploration of male friendship and loneliness by New York Times bestselling author, filmmaker, and actor Andrew McCarthy as he crisscrosses country in an effort to reconnect with friends from the past.
“You don’t really have any friends, do you, Dad?”
A seemingly innocuous, if direct, question from Andrew McCarthy’s son left him reeling. McCarthy did have friends, but like so many other men, the necessities of modern adult life had forced his friendships to the background. At one point his friends had been instrumental in broadening his horizons, bolstering his courage, providing safe harbor. Now, McCarthy found himself questioning what had happened to his friendships, whether he needed them, what he valued, and what he had to offer. A simple question had become a moment that demanded a reckoning.
Who Needs Friends charts McCarthy’s journey for nearly ten thousand miles, following him on often-unexpected travels through Appalachia, the Mississippi Delta, the Chihuahuan Desert, and the Rocky Mountains with one driving to see his friends. Along the way, he talks to countless men about their male friendships, from cowboys and blues musicians to preachers and rootless teens. What began as a simple desire to catch up with a few friends turned into a deep exploration of the challenges and rewards that men experience in forming bonds with each other. In McCarthy’s own words, “It turns out that guys have a difficult time with friendship.” But the good news is, that’s not the way it needs to be.
“You don’t really have any friends, do you, Dad?”
A seemingly innocuous, if direct, question from Andrew McCarthy’s son left him reeling. McCarthy did have friends, but like so many other men, the necessities of modern adult life had forced his friendships to the background. At one point his friends had been instrumental in broadening his horizons, bolstering his courage, providing safe harbor. Now, McCarthy found himself questioning what had happened to his friendships, whether he needed them, what he valued, and what he had to offer. A simple question had become a moment that demanded a reckoning.
Who Needs Friends charts McCarthy’s journey for nearly ten thousand miles, following him on often-unexpected travels through Appalachia, the Mississippi Delta, the Chihuahuan Desert, and the Rocky Mountains with one driving to see his friends. Along the way, he talks to countless men about their male friendships, from cowboys and blues musicians to preachers and rootless teens. What began as a simple desire to catch up with a few friends turned into a deep exploration of the challenges and rewards that men experience in forming bonds with each other. In McCarthy’s own words, “It turns out that guys have a difficult time with friendship.” But the good news is, that’s not the way it needs to be.
320 pages, Hardcover
Published March 24, 2026
About the author
Andrew McCarthy
32 books787 followersAndrew McCarthy is a director, an award winning travel writer, and—of course—an actor. He made his professional début at 19 in Class, and has appeared in dozens of films, including such iconic movies as Pretty in Pink, St. Elmo’s Fire, Less Then Zero, and cult favorites Weekend At Bernie’s and Mannequin.
He has starred on Broadway and on television, most recently appearing in The Family, on ABC. McCarthy is also a highly regarded television director; having helmed Orange is the New Black, The Blacklist, Grace and Frankie, and many others.
Simultaneously, McCarthy is an award winning travel writer. He is an editor-at-large at National Geographic Traveler, and has written for The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, The Atlantic, Travel+Leisure, AFAR, Men’s Journal, Bon Appetit, and many others. He has received six Lowell Thomas awards, and been named Travel Journalist of the Year by The Society of American Travel Writers.
His travel memoir, THE LONGEST WAY HOME, became a New York Times Best Seller, and the Financial Times of London named it one of the Best Books of the year. He served as guest editor for the prestigious Best American Travel series in 2015.
His debut novel, JUST FLY AWAY, will be published by Algonquin in the spring of 2017.
McCarthy lives in New York City.
He has starred on Broadway and on television, most recently appearing in The Family, on ABC. McCarthy is also a highly regarded television director; having helmed Orange is the New Black, The Blacklist, Grace and Frankie, and many others.
Simultaneously, McCarthy is an award winning travel writer. He is an editor-at-large at National Geographic Traveler, and has written for The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, The Atlantic, Travel+Leisure, AFAR, Men’s Journal, Bon Appetit, and many others. He has received six Lowell Thomas awards, and been named Travel Journalist of the Year by The Society of American Travel Writers.
His travel memoir, THE LONGEST WAY HOME, became a New York Times Best Seller, and the Financial Times of London named it one of the Best Books of the year. He served as guest editor for the prestigious Best American Travel series in 2015.
His debut novel, JUST FLY AWAY, will be published by Algonquin in the spring of 2017.
McCarthy lives in New York City.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 120 reviews
April 30, 2026
Andrew McCarthy is an American actor and travel writer; I previously read but didn't much care for his 2023 book Walking with Sam: A Father, a Son, and Five Hundred Miles Across Spain about his trek across the Camino de Santiago with his overgrown 19-year-old toddler (see my review here). Thankfully, Sam only makes minor cameo appearances in this book, which follows the elder McCarthy's American cross country travels in reconnecting with some of his long-time male friends and talking with other men along the way about the role (or lack) of male friends in their lives, with the backdrop of a travelogue across the Southern and Western US hitting such cliched travel spots as Marpha, Texas, and Moab, Utah. As the subtitle promises, this book is definitely unscientific, mostly focusing on anecdotal cases from McCarthy's life -- while told interestingly and not veering into parody (though I find some parodies on this topic funny in an ironic way), this definitely isn't the same as picking up a more in-depth social psychology book on the same topic, like Matthew Lieberman's Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect or William Von Hippel's The Social Paradox: Autonomy, Connection, and Why We Need Both to Find Happiness – An Evolutionary Psychology Guide to Overcoming Loneliness.
My statistics:
Book 76 for 2026
Book 2382 cumulatively
My statistics:
Book 76 for 2026
Book 2382 cumulatively
January 16, 2026
The title immediately got me hooked. I have found myself having conversations with people about friendships especially as adults. This book is part travelogue part look into different group of friends and the authors friendships himself. Overall an interesting and fun read!
I received a free advanced copy of this book through NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
I received a free advanced copy of this book through NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
May 26, 2026
At first, all the extra road-details of the ~10,000 miles of traveling across the USA to visit old friends felt like this book could have been trimmed. But that became a feature I liked. The pausing between friend visits to reflect. It really felt like the author was having a conversation with me. This is not a 'self-help' book written by a clinical team. Just lots of common-person wisdom!
Andrew McCarthy has written for Nat Geo Traveler. He has acted in 'Pretty in Pink' and 'Less Than Zero'. He has directed 'Orange is the New Black'. He has lived a roller-coaster of a life, and his friends helped dig him out of the many low points, and rode the fun times with him on those fast curves. But like many of us men (especially), as we move, we lose touch with friends that were once like brothers to us.
Why does this tend to be a guy-thing, and not happen so much to girls?
Andrew cites a few studies, but 95% of the wisdom in this book is just Andrew having very open conversations with old friends, as well as random chats with people he meets anywhere/everywhere along his trek from NY to CA via NJ, MD, PA, WV, OH, KY, TN, MS, LA, TX, Mexico, NM, AZ, UT, WY, ID, and NV.
I think I count 70 little stickies in my borrowed-library copy of this book. I'll try to capture them to the bottom of this review.
This has prompted me to randomly call friends I've neglected. Right book, at the right time.
5*
p31
A study by the University of Kansas concluded that it takes 200 hours to make a good friend.
p51
Need to have friends. Life is too hard without friends.
p53
15% of men confessed to having no close friends at all, up from 3% in 1990, while less than half of all men say they are satisfied with how many friends they have. Only one in five men report receiving any form of emotional support from a friend in the prior week, and among those with only a high school diploma, 24% of men admit to having no friends whatsoever. The situation is particularly dire for the young. One study found that 79% of Gen Zers and 71% of millennials confess to being lonely.
There is a staggering 50% elevated risk in developing Alzheimer's, a 29% increased chance of heart disease, and a 32% increased instance of stroke for those with poor social relationships. Social isolation exceeds the health risk of obesity, inactivity, air pollution, consuming more than 6 alcoholic drinks per day, and smoking more than 15 cigarettes a day. And men are four times more likely to take their own lives than women. The surgeon general has declared an epidemic of loneliness.
p57
No less than Aristotle said that differences between friends most frequently arise when the nature of the friendship is not what they think it is Period end The Greek philosopher dissected the issue of French dip and asserted there were three distinct types- utility based friends, which might include work friends, we both understand and benefit from the exchange. Then there are pleasure based friends, with whom we share a common and pleasing activity, be at dinner parties or baseball, where they might be people we simply enjoy being around - maybe they're funny. The third type of friendship, and what Aristotle called "perfect friends", are character based friendships. These are the friends in whom we see their inherent good, and they see ours. Their friends who are aware of their feelings for each other and take pleasure in that awareness. These friendships make us better people. The first and second types of friendship can evolve into the 3rd, but certainly not always.
p59
About my relation to others come. Experience tells me that the farther from home I go, the more at home in myself I tend to feel. On the road, habits are replaced by curiosity. Certainty yields to Inquisition. And in this bustling room of strangers who live a life very different from mine, there are people who know things I don't, who might offer me insight, might help me uncover, or discover, Some of what friendship has to offer and help me clarify what it means to me, and what place it has in my life.
I came upon the results of an 85 year study by Harvard University that concluded the number one factor in a longer, healthier, happier life is not diet or exercise, or meaningful work, but a positive and consistent connection to community.
p67
On the outskirts of Brookville, Ohio, I turn into what can only be viewed as further deterioration of American culture and ingenuity - the combination gas station / convenience store / fast food restaurant, which has become inescapable across the country. These overlit soulless pods of supposed plenty have cancerized the environs of small and mid sized towns, where other more locally nurturing options might prosper. That this is low hanging fruit for complaint does not make it any less true. I find such places depressing in their "convenience" - peddling alienation.
p69
"My wife is my soul mate," Bobby says, then elbows his friend. "But he knows where the bodies are buried."
Bobby nodded gently. “There's a caveman mentality with a lot of men. 'I'm king of the hill. I don't need anyone.'"
"let me tell you something" - Bobby becomes animated - "without purpose you rot."
p70
You say 'I love you' to another man and you're queer."
p71
O Or maybe like so many men, I just have issues of confusing love and intimacy with sex.
p72
By the time World War Two concluded, the transformation of the image of the ideal American man had morphed into that of a macho, strong, and largely silent lone wolf. The conception of heterosexual friendship and intimacy that we accept today as normal has traveled a long distance from Lincoln's time, becoming profoundly more restricted in its expression.
p73
Sexual conquest when we're young go a long way in establishing our sense of masculine identity in the world. Exerting power over others, achieving dominance, be it in sports, the bedroom, or the boardroom, is how so many men keep score, the yardstick by which we measure our lives a success.
p88
“I’m really embarrassed to have gotten old, for you to see me old.”
p90
It was soon after this That Sean's family moved away suddenly. I never got a chance to say goodbye and never saw him again. I came home from school and they were gone. Sean was my first best friend.
p93
Casual interactions, Ordering a morning latte, talking with the gas station attendant, and even contact with people met only once, Like the random supermarket chat I just had with Kent, can prove as helpful in re establishing a sense of well being and belonging as connecting with family or closer friends.
p95
'Nobody, nobody is good enough.'
That hangs in the air for a moment.
"So, you see, my friend," I conclude, "you're in good company."
p99
"Tell me about it," I say. "It was so good to just hang out. Talk. And do stupid stuff.
p103
The main take away from my school experience was that I wasn't very smart. That I wasn't interested in what was being offered, or that I didn't fit into the mold in which it was delivered, never factored into the equation. Were not for the few friends I had who had been likewise discarded by the powers that be, I don't know how I would have made it through.
p112
Like many highly successful people who are self taught, Elvis had a singular perspective and shrewd powers of observation on the topic of friendship, he once noted, "Friends are people you can talk to, without words when you have to."
p113
"You've got a lot of friends here," I observe.
"Friends?" Kat raises an eyebrow. "Lot of acquaintances, but friends?" She shrugs.
"I understand," I say.
p116
"We are all on the struggle bus together."
"The struggle bus?"
"No man is an island, Andrew," Dale quotes John Donne, "Entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main."
And we live in the day and time of Google and AI. It replaced the elder. Google can now give you knowledge, but it can't provide wisdom. It's what I'm so proud of with the group. We have friends across generations and that camaraderie, that friendship is everything.
p117
"We all have struggles we are never gonna get over alone, be it pornography or whatever, but we share and take accountability with someone we trust who can receive us without judgment so we can be transformed."
p131
I look over the top of my tea. "Aristotle said, 'Separation doesn't destroy friendship absolutely, though it prevents its active exercise.'"
p144
The Greek philosopher Epicurus was correct when he said, "It is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us."
p148
Why are women just so much better at this?
p152
(Violetta "I don't know what this whole taboo thing with emotion is about between you guys."
"Well," Eddie says, "the whole gay thing."
"That's just stupid," Violetta snaps.
p161
I ask Eddie why he thinks we're friends.
"We Have complex things in common. It's almost genetic. We just have a brother thing. When you can communicate and not have to talk, that says something."
p164
My with Seve, Matthew, and Eddie are - as Eddie aptly labeled them - foundational Relationships. While nothing can replace those early connections, friends may later in life have rich value if for no other reason than that it can be so much more difficult to make friends as we get older. They require a conscious and active (and vulnerable making) commitment in the way those early friendships did not, when friendship seemed to just happen. And they can propel us into our future in a way those long time friendships don't necessarily. The lack of history with newer friends can promote feelings of expansion - a fresh, outside perspective can prove liberating.
p166
“When we first met, Steve and I recognized ourselves in each other. Our quest was very similar. There are a lot of people you know, but there are only a few people you've deeply identify with."
"Five or six times in your life, if you're lucky, you'll meet somebody who you just really connect with."
p167
"Ambition can be a problem for some friendships because it leads to competition, But it can also be a bonding force, because you're with people who are following the same road, looking for the same elusive destination - into the rainbow. You're on a journey. But increasingly we're short of satisfied in the part of the world we inhabit."
p168
"And then when you get even older there's this sense of being in a life raft. You're surrounded by death, your classmates are dying" - he turns to Steve - "and Here we are still on this raft so, there's this added connection between us because of our age and what we're facing. We think about that a lot. I talk to very many people about the complication that age brings and the anxiety that comes with it. But Steve and I talk about it all the time. It presumes a level of intimacy that you don't normally have with other friends, where if you start to express something about your anxiety about mortality, Then opening yourself up to pity, derision, or false responses that are probably even worse. We know where we stand with each other."
p169
(Larry) My dad didn’t have friends, except in the military. Only once did I meet any of his friends, on a fishing trip to Wyoming."
This hits me like a slap upside the head not actively pursuing and maintaining my own friendships, neither my long distance ones nor those closer to home, As not we diminished my personal experiences but diminished me as a parent. When Sam said to me, "You really don't have any friends, do you, dad?" He not only set in motion this cross country folly but unwittingly illuminated a failing of mine as his father.
p171
Larry considers me a moment. "There's this quote, I can't remember who said it, 'Friendship is only possible among good people.'"
...you have to have the qualities that can support a friendship."
"What are those qualities?" I ask.
Larry considers, “Loyalty, and truth telling, and patience, and forgiveness, and humor."
p172
"Seeking what my heart is trying to tell me," Ryan says. "So many people look for their answer in money. But with him, there's this unspoken understanding that none of that truly matters. That we're looking for something else. And to know that he feels that way too is huge. What's important is a connection with people and living a path that tries to open you up to what your heart is telling you, not relying on monetary things to fill that."
p187
If friendship is, as the writer James Baldwin said, "the work of mirroring and magnifying each other's light," then for this moment at least, Shawn and I are friends. The sudden tenderness, the unguarded vulnerability of Shawn's light has touched mine and lifted the darkness that's hungover me since Uvalde and Eagle Pass.
"Thanks for showing me this, Shawn."
"Thanks for looking, Andy."
p200
For so long I hated my own feelings of vulnerability. But that frailty gave me so much - it fostered a sensitivity and perceptiveness that in time grew into my greatest strengths.
p207
(Raymond) "Women," he begins, “Have more of an intuitive sense that friendship is not optional. They know they need their tribe. And stereotypically, women are more emotionally inclined and available A man has a problem, often, instead of seeking out a buddy to go have a beer or go fishing, do not look for help or tell anyone. It's just more instinctive for women to seek help. ... It's our Achilles. The superhero. He takes action. Figures it out on his own, doesn't complain."
p208
(Raymond) “I think everyone is lonely, particularly men. So few have any encouragement or any direction. We're in a place in history where we live in a hyper-individualistic separated culture. We don't need a clan for survival anymore. And men spent far less time together than we used to. But the psychological effects are apparent. ... We're pack animals. It feels good when you feel a part of something, when you're watching out for someone and they're watching out for you. ... You Watch Band of Brothers - it's the rare guy who finishes watching that and doesn't feel there's not something missing in their life. ... For someone who know you'[re there, someone who gives a damn."
p216
(Tim) “Women are encouraged to build those interrelationships more than men, whereas men are encouraged to compete against each other. Men accomplish and move on."
p217
"I'd Say that male/female friendships that remain completely platonic do so because of the woman's choice, much more so than the man's. Again I'm generalizing, But how does it work in the gay world?"
Tim's response comes easily, “Prospect of casual sex is an item on the friendship menu for men who are attracted to men. ”He considers for a moment , then continues. “Yes, in my experience, among those of us who are attracted to other men, it's pretty much a given. Doesn't have to be immediate, but you're always knowing that it could happen down the road."
p218
(Tim)”I'm glad you're doing this trip," he says. "True Friends often were easily found, and you want to hold onto them. It's worth the effort to travel to reconnect with them."
p219
(Patrick) “I know so many people, have so many acquaintances, I have guys I see all the time, whether it's golfing, going to the casino, going for a drink," and here he pauses, “but a true, deep male friendship?" He shakes his head. “that is a concept I can't really even grasp."
p221
"It's about vulnerability," Derek agrees. "When you see a guy being super vulnerable, it gives you permission to be vulnerable as well. bravest are the ones who are the most vulnerable."
"So, why's it so difficult to share yourself?" I ask.
"Shame," Derek says with matter-of-factness. “I'm going to hide things about myself because if you see too deep into me, you'll see what a piece of shit I really am. Therefore, I'm not going to show you who I really am. As Freud said, 'secrets make us sick'. You have secrets and you feel you won't be accepted. We deal with that toxic shame in our circle a lot."
p223
Derek speaks at last. “I can't tell you how many women have called me up and said, "My husband doesn't have any friends. Can he join your group?'"
p230
"What's the most important quality in those thirty close friendships?"
Will props and elbow in his truck, readjust his cap, and calls back, "Being able to depend on each other."
p251
(John) “There's the inner circle. The guys I trust my deepest failures, my concerns, my inadequacies. They have my deepest trust. They tend to be ones I've gone through hardship with in some way, but I don't hang out with them much. I'd say there are 4 in that circle. You're in that circle."
I inwardly smile like a school kid chosen on the playground - then silently ask myself when exactly will I grow up?
p253
"Trust is interesting," John says. “People often say trust is built over time. And I think that's true. But it doesn't have to work that way. I trusted you with something I never told anyone, something I'd been carrying, and we didn't know each other well all at that point. And I don't know why I did. It was just this feeling that I could trust you."
"Spidey sense."
"Yeah, exactly. And trust is an easier word than some others,” John goes on. "Trust implies, 'I got your back, you got mine.' Manly stuff. But you gotta walk through the door of vulnerability to get to trust"
p259
"You want your kids to be happy or tough?"
"I want them to be tough," Cody says without having to consider the point. "Toughness is a defining thing, central to our value."
"Cowboy up."
"Cowboy up." Cody nods. "I say it to my kids all the time."
p277
It turns out Mark's brother Dave is not in fact his brother.
"Family is not just blood," Mark Clarifies for me. Mark and Dave met four years ago. "We Just clicked. We started as friends and became brothers - what most male friendships turn out to be if you're willing to give it your personal trust. If you don't, you're just acquaintances."
p278
Across America, from Maryland to Nevada, I found the younger men I've met are easily, and without shame, willing to admit their loneliness, and not simply "pull the hat down."
p283
"And what's the most important quality in?" I ask, as I so often have across America.
"Loyalty," Claudio announces without hesitation. "Not talking bad behind your back." It's the single attribute that has proven the most important among nearly every one of the younger men I have spoken to on the topic.
p285
From one side of the country to the other I've encountered men whose friendships have lasted for decades upon decades - friendships that are so close that neither can imagine life without the other. I've met men who have no male friends at all, who can't even conceive of the idea. I've met men who yearn through a deeper connection, and those w
Andrew McCarthy has written for Nat Geo Traveler. He has acted in 'Pretty in Pink' and 'Less Than Zero'. He has directed 'Orange is the New Black'. He has lived a roller-coaster of a life, and his friends helped dig him out of the many low points, and rode the fun times with him on those fast curves. But like many of us men (especially), as we move, we lose touch with friends that were once like brothers to us.
Why does this tend to be a guy-thing, and not happen so much to girls?
Andrew cites a few studies, but 95% of the wisdom in this book is just Andrew having very open conversations with old friends, as well as random chats with people he meets anywhere/everywhere along his trek from NY to CA via NJ, MD, PA, WV, OH, KY, TN, MS, LA, TX, Mexico, NM, AZ, UT, WY, ID, and NV.
I think I count 70 little stickies in my borrowed-library copy of this book. I'll try to capture them to the bottom of this review.
This has prompted me to randomly call friends I've neglected. Right book, at the right time.
5*
p31
A study by the University of Kansas concluded that it takes 200 hours to make a good friend.
p51
Need to have friends. Life is too hard without friends.
p53
15% of men confessed to having no close friends at all, up from 3% in 1990, while less than half of all men say they are satisfied with how many friends they have. Only one in five men report receiving any form of emotional support from a friend in the prior week, and among those with only a high school diploma, 24% of men admit to having no friends whatsoever. The situation is particularly dire for the young. One study found that 79% of Gen Zers and 71% of millennials confess to being lonely.
There is a staggering 50% elevated risk in developing Alzheimer's, a 29% increased chance of heart disease, and a 32% increased instance of stroke for those with poor social relationships. Social isolation exceeds the health risk of obesity, inactivity, air pollution, consuming more than 6 alcoholic drinks per day, and smoking more than 15 cigarettes a day. And men are four times more likely to take their own lives than women. The surgeon general has declared an epidemic of loneliness.
p57
No less than Aristotle said that differences between friends most frequently arise when the nature of the friendship is not what they think it is Period end The Greek philosopher dissected the issue of French dip and asserted there were three distinct types- utility based friends, which might include work friends, we both understand and benefit from the exchange. Then there are pleasure based friends, with whom we share a common and pleasing activity, be at dinner parties or baseball, where they might be people we simply enjoy being around - maybe they're funny. The third type of friendship, and what Aristotle called "perfect friends", are character based friendships. These are the friends in whom we see their inherent good, and they see ours. Their friends who are aware of their feelings for each other and take pleasure in that awareness. These friendships make us better people. The first and second types of friendship can evolve into the 3rd, but certainly not always.
p59
About my relation to others come. Experience tells me that the farther from home I go, the more at home in myself I tend to feel. On the road, habits are replaced by curiosity. Certainty yields to Inquisition. And in this bustling room of strangers who live a life very different from mine, there are people who know things I don't, who might offer me insight, might help me uncover, or discover, Some of what friendship has to offer and help me clarify what it means to me, and what place it has in my life.
I came upon the results of an 85 year study by Harvard University that concluded the number one factor in a longer, healthier, happier life is not diet or exercise, or meaningful work, but a positive and consistent connection to community.
p67
On the outskirts of Brookville, Ohio, I turn into what can only be viewed as further deterioration of American culture and ingenuity - the combination gas station / convenience store / fast food restaurant, which has become inescapable across the country. These overlit soulless pods of supposed plenty have cancerized the environs of small and mid sized towns, where other more locally nurturing options might prosper. That this is low hanging fruit for complaint does not make it any less true. I find such places depressing in their "convenience" - peddling alienation.
p69
"My wife is my soul mate," Bobby says, then elbows his friend. "But he knows where the bodies are buried."
Bobby nodded gently. “There's a caveman mentality with a lot of men. 'I'm king of the hill. I don't need anyone.'"
"let me tell you something" - Bobby becomes animated - "without purpose you rot."
p70
You say 'I love you' to another man and you're queer."
p71
O Or maybe like so many men, I just have issues of confusing love and intimacy with sex.
p72
By the time World War Two concluded, the transformation of the image of the ideal American man had morphed into that of a macho, strong, and largely silent lone wolf. The conception of heterosexual friendship and intimacy that we accept today as normal has traveled a long distance from Lincoln's time, becoming profoundly more restricted in its expression.
p73
Sexual conquest when we're young go a long way in establishing our sense of masculine identity in the world. Exerting power over others, achieving dominance, be it in sports, the bedroom, or the boardroom, is how so many men keep score, the yardstick by which we measure our lives a success.
p88
“I’m really embarrassed to have gotten old, for you to see me old.”
p90
It was soon after this That Sean's family moved away suddenly. I never got a chance to say goodbye and never saw him again. I came home from school and they were gone. Sean was my first best friend.
p93
Casual interactions, Ordering a morning latte, talking with the gas station attendant, and even contact with people met only once, Like the random supermarket chat I just had with Kent, can prove as helpful in re establishing a sense of well being and belonging as connecting with family or closer friends.
p95
'Nobody, nobody is good enough.'
That hangs in the air for a moment.
"So, you see, my friend," I conclude, "you're in good company."
p99
"Tell me about it," I say. "It was so good to just hang out. Talk. And do stupid stuff.
p103
The main take away from my school experience was that I wasn't very smart. That I wasn't interested in what was being offered, or that I didn't fit into the mold in which it was delivered, never factored into the equation. Were not for the few friends I had who had been likewise discarded by the powers that be, I don't know how I would have made it through.
p112
Like many highly successful people who are self taught, Elvis had a singular perspective and shrewd powers of observation on the topic of friendship, he once noted, "Friends are people you can talk to, without words when you have to."
p113
"You've got a lot of friends here," I observe.
"Friends?" Kat raises an eyebrow. "Lot of acquaintances, but friends?" She shrugs.
"I understand," I say.
p116
"We are all on the struggle bus together."
"The struggle bus?"
"No man is an island, Andrew," Dale quotes John Donne, "Entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main."
And we live in the day and time of Google and AI. It replaced the elder. Google can now give you knowledge, but it can't provide wisdom. It's what I'm so proud of with the group. We have friends across generations and that camaraderie, that friendship is everything.
p117
"We all have struggles we are never gonna get over alone, be it pornography or whatever, but we share and take accountability with someone we trust who can receive us without judgment so we can be transformed."
p131
I look over the top of my tea. "Aristotle said, 'Separation doesn't destroy friendship absolutely, though it prevents its active exercise.'"
p144
The Greek philosopher Epicurus was correct when he said, "It is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us."
p148
Why are women just so much better at this?
p152
(Violetta "I don't know what this whole taboo thing with emotion is about between you guys."
"Well," Eddie says, "the whole gay thing."
"That's just stupid," Violetta snaps.
p161
I ask Eddie why he thinks we're friends.
"We Have complex things in common. It's almost genetic. We just have a brother thing. When you can communicate and not have to talk, that says something."
p164
My with Seve, Matthew, and Eddie are - as Eddie aptly labeled them - foundational Relationships. While nothing can replace those early connections, friends may later in life have rich value if for no other reason than that it can be so much more difficult to make friends as we get older. They require a conscious and active (and vulnerable making) commitment in the way those early friendships did not, when friendship seemed to just happen. And they can propel us into our future in a way those long time friendships don't necessarily. The lack of history with newer friends can promote feelings of expansion - a fresh, outside perspective can prove liberating.
p166
“When we first met, Steve and I recognized ourselves in each other. Our quest was very similar. There are a lot of people you know, but there are only a few people you've deeply identify with."
"Five or six times in your life, if you're lucky, you'll meet somebody who you just really connect with."
p167
"Ambition can be a problem for some friendships because it leads to competition, But it can also be a bonding force, because you're with people who are following the same road, looking for the same elusive destination - into the rainbow. You're on a journey. But increasingly we're short of satisfied in the part of the world we inhabit."
p168
"And then when you get even older there's this sense of being in a life raft. You're surrounded by death, your classmates are dying" - he turns to Steve - "and Here we are still on this raft so, there's this added connection between us because of our age and what we're facing. We think about that a lot. I talk to very many people about the complication that age brings and the anxiety that comes with it. But Steve and I talk about it all the time. It presumes a level of intimacy that you don't normally have with other friends, where if you start to express something about your anxiety about mortality, Then opening yourself up to pity, derision, or false responses that are probably even worse. We know where we stand with each other."
p169
(Larry) My dad didn’t have friends, except in the military. Only once did I meet any of his friends, on a fishing trip to Wyoming."
This hits me like a slap upside the head not actively pursuing and maintaining my own friendships, neither my long distance ones nor those closer to home, As not we diminished my personal experiences but diminished me as a parent. When Sam said to me, "You really don't have any friends, do you, dad?" He not only set in motion this cross country folly but unwittingly illuminated a failing of mine as his father.
p171
Larry considers me a moment. "There's this quote, I can't remember who said it, 'Friendship is only possible among good people.'"
...you have to have the qualities that can support a friendship."
"What are those qualities?" I ask.
Larry considers, “Loyalty, and truth telling, and patience, and forgiveness, and humor."
p172
"Seeking what my heart is trying to tell me," Ryan says. "So many people look for their answer in money. But with him, there's this unspoken understanding that none of that truly matters. That we're looking for something else. And to know that he feels that way too is huge. What's important is a connection with people and living a path that tries to open you up to what your heart is telling you, not relying on monetary things to fill that."
p187
If friendship is, as the writer James Baldwin said, "the work of mirroring and magnifying each other's light," then for this moment at least, Shawn and I are friends. The sudden tenderness, the unguarded vulnerability of Shawn's light has touched mine and lifted the darkness that's hungover me since Uvalde and Eagle Pass.
"Thanks for showing me this, Shawn."
"Thanks for looking, Andy."
p200
For so long I hated my own feelings of vulnerability. But that frailty gave me so much - it fostered a sensitivity and perceptiveness that in time grew into my greatest strengths.
p207
(Raymond) "Women," he begins, “Have more of an intuitive sense that friendship is not optional. They know they need their tribe. And stereotypically, women are more emotionally inclined and available A man has a problem, often, instead of seeking out a buddy to go have a beer or go fishing, do not look for help or tell anyone. It's just more instinctive for women to seek help. ... It's our Achilles. The superhero. He takes action. Figures it out on his own, doesn't complain."
p208
(Raymond) “I think everyone is lonely, particularly men. So few have any encouragement or any direction. We're in a place in history where we live in a hyper-individualistic separated culture. We don't need a clan for survival anymore. And men spent far less time together than we used to. But the psychological effects are apparent. ... We're pack animals. It feels good when you feel a part of something, when you're watching out for someone and they're watching out for you. ... You Watch Band of Brothers - it's the rare guy who finishes watching that and doesn't feel there's not something missing in their life. ... For someone who know you'[re there, someone who gives a damn."
p216
(Tim) “Women are encouraged to build those interrelationships more than men, whereas men are encouraged to compete against each other. Men accomplish and move on."
p217
"I'd Say that male/female friendships that remain completely platonic do so because of the woman's choice, much more so than the man's. Again I'm generalizing, But how does it work in the gay world?"
Tim's response comes easily, “Prospect of casual sex is an item on the friendship menu for men who are attracted to men. ”He considers for a moment , then continues. “Yes, in my experience, among those of us who are attracted to other men, it's pretty much a given. Doesn't have to be immediate, but you're always knowing that it could happen down the road."
p218
(Tim)”I'm glad you're doing this trip," he says. "True Friends often were easily found, and you want to hold onto them. It's worth the effort to travel to reconnect with them."
p219
(Patrick) “I know so many people, have so many acquaintances, I have guys I see all the time, whether it's golfing, going to the casino, going for a drink," and here he pauses, “but a true, deep male friendship?" He shakes his head. “that is a concept I can't really even grasp."
p221
"It's about vulnerability," Derek agrees. "When you see a guy being super vulnerable, it gives you permission to be vulnerable as well. bravest are the ones who are the most vulnerable."
"So, why's it so difficult to share yourself?" I ask.
"Shame," Derek says with matter-of-factness. “I'm going to hide things about myself because if you see too deep into me, you'll see what a piece of shit I really am. Therefore, I'm not going to show you who I really am. As Freud said, 'secrets make us sick'. You have secrets and you feel you won't be accepted. We deal with that toxic shame in our circle a lot."
p223
Derek speaks at last. “I can't tell you how many women have called me up and said, "My husband doesn't have any friends. Can he join your group?'"
p230
"What's the most important quality in those thirty close friendships?"
Will props and elbow in his truck, readjust his cap, and calls back, "Being able to depend on each other."
p251
(John) “There's the inner circle. The guys I trust my deepest failures, my concerns, my inadequacies. They have my deepest trust. They tend to be ones I've gone through hardship with in some way, but I don't hang out with them much. I'd say there are 4 in that circle. You're in that circle."
I inwardly smile like a school kid chosen on the playground - then silently ask myself when exactly will I grow up?
p253
"Trust is interesting," John says. “People often say trust is built over time. And I think that's true. But it doesn't have to work that way. I trusted you with something I never told anyone, something I'd been carrying, and we didn't know each other well all at that point. And I don't know why I did. It was just this feeling that I could trust you."
"Spidey sense."
"Yeah, exactly. And trust is an easier word than some others,” John goes on. "Trust implies, 'I got your back, you got mine.' Manly stuff. But you gotta walk through the door of vulnerability to get to trust"
p259
"You want your kids to be happy or tough?"
"I want them to be tough," Cody says without having to consider the point. "Toughness is a defining thing, central to our value."
"Cowboy up."
"Cowboy up." Cody nods. "I say it to my kids all the time."
p277
It turns out Mark's brother Dave is not in fact his brother.
"Family is not just blood," Mark Clarifies for me. Mark and Dave met four years ago. "We Just clicked. We started as friends and became brothers - what most male friendships turn out to be if you're willing to give it your personal trust. If you don't, you're just acquaintances."
p278
Across America, from Maryland to Nevada, I found the younger men I've met are easily, and without shame, willing to admit their loneliness, and not simply "pull the hat down."
p283
"And what's the most important quality in?" I ask, as I so often have across America.
"Loyalty," Claudio announces without hesitation. "Not talking bad behind your back." It's the single attribute that has proven the most important among nearly every one of the younger men I have spoken to on the topic.
p285
From one side of the country to the other I've encountered men whose friendships have lasted for decades upon decades - friendships that are so close that neither can imagine life without the other. I've met men who have no male friends at all, who can't even conceive of the idea. I've met men who yearn through a deeper connection, and those w
April 2, 2026
Andrew McCarthy’s latest book takes us around the USA as he visits friends. He explores male friendships. I enjoyed the narration by the author. It was interesting to follow the stories and places. He traveled to many places I’ve either been to or heard of.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the advance reader copy. I also purchased the audio copy.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the advance reader copy. I also purchased the audio copy.
April 16, 2026
Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship Across America
Andrew McCarthy
Book #65
4 Stars (4.6 Amazon 4.29 Goodreads)
Release Date 3/24/26
80,000 Words
Memoir
Audio
#whiskersandwordsbookreview #onesentencereview #malefriendships #friends
------ I enjoyed these stories and the insight, but I lost interest from time to time.
Andrew McCarthy
Book #65
4 Stars (4.6 Amazon 4.29 Goodreads)
Release Date 3/24/26
80,000 Words
Memoir
Audio
#whiskersandwordsbookreview #onesentencereview #malefriendships #friends
------ I enjoyed these stories and the insight, but I lost interest from time to time.
June 17, 2026
4.5 stars.
Found this really intriguing and genuinely interesting. It also came at an apt time where I've been thinking about my own loneliness. Definitely worth a read for anyone who feels like they may be out there feeling alone.
Found this really intriguing and genuinely interesting. It also came at an apt time where I've been thinking about my own loneliness. Definitely worth a read for anyone who feels like they may be out there feeling alone.
April 5, 2026
In reading this book I experienced a vicarious literary road trip with Andrew McCarthy as he sought out old friends, fond memories, new acquaintances, and reflections on what it means to be a man in this country.
Everywhere in the US that he ventures to McCarthy encounters the same double standard for men: the need of men to connect with male peers for friendship conflicting with the underlying need to remain invulnerable while doing it.
Time goes by, people change, life gets in the way, people lose touch with one another, but the need to connect and stay connected is always there and loneliness is never far away for men.
Thank you Andrew McCarthy for sharing your experience by writing this book. I enjoyed reading it.
Everywhere in the US that he ventures to McCarthy encounters the same double standard for men: the need of men to connect with male peers for friendship conflicting with the underlying need to remain invulnerable while doing it.
Time goes by, people change, life gets in the way, people lose touch with one another, but the need to connect and stay connected is always there and loneliness is never far away for men.
Thank you Andrew McCarthy for sharing your experience by writing this book. I enjoyed reading it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 6, 2026
what a beautiful exploration of friendship.
March 27, 2026
As always, his books are well written. Full of insight and humor.
March 25, 2026
I really enjoyed this! A thoughtful, engaging take on male loneliness that (refreshingly) focuses on solutions and conversation starting rather than blame. I really felt like I was alongside him during this journey getting to know new parts of the country.
April 19, 2026
The author took a fun road trip to visit some friends. He gets introspective about friendship and also writes about the sights he sees. I didn't find it particularly enlightening or novel.
April 2, 2026
Mostly about his memories and friends. His journey across the us. It’s an easy read. Just ok
April 8, 2026
Give your boys a call!
May 3, 2026
There’s an epidemic of male loneliness, but very few people are talking about it.
So when Andrew McCarthy is asked by his son, “You don’t really have any friends, do you, Dad?” — it lands.
That question sends him across the country to reconnect with old friends and talk to men about theirs.
That’s the engine of “Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship in America.”
The book, written as a travelogue, is really an attempt to answer a harder question: why aren’t men better friends?
McCarthy keeps circling the same idea: the desire not to appear weak.
Men don’t want to be vulnerable. They don’t want to need. And so they don’t show up for each other the way they could.
They also give each other a pass. Where women push, question, hold each other accountable, men tend to accept distance. Or even default to it.
There’s a line from Friedrich Nietzsche the book quotes: “Love is blind. Friendship closes its eyes.”
That’s male friendship in a nutshell.
But it wasn’t always like this. In the days of Alexander Hamilton and Abraham Lincoln, men formed emotionally intimate bonds. That started to change around World War II, when the model shifted to the stoic, self-contained man.
And now, here we are. A Kaiser Family Foundation study found that 22% of men often or always feel lonely.
The book works best when McCarthy gets out of the way and lets other men talk.
He meets lifelong best friends. He meets men who have none. He sits in bars and asks simple questions and gets surprisingly honest answers.
The writing is vivid without trying too hard. And on audio, McCarthy’s background as an actor helps. His narration makes the people he meets come alive.
The book also has these moments that stay with you. A friend once got upset that William Faulkner — a renowned curmudgeon — didn’t acknowledge him when they passed each other. His response: what more is there to say? We just spent the entire morning fishing.
It’s funny. It’s also exactly how a lot of men operate: side by side, often at a bar watching a game. Not face to face.
There’s another idea the book keeps returning to: friendship doesn’t complete you. It enhances you.
But that doesn’t just happen. It takes time — roughly 200 hours, according to the research cited in the book, to form a real friendship. And it takes something from you. If you want good friends, you have to be someone capable of being one.
“Who Needs Friends” will resonate with anyone who laments that their friend circle has shrunk. And perhaps the book will do for them what it did for me.
It made me reach out. It made me have conversations I wouldn’t normally have — about what friendship actually means, what we expect from it, and what we give to it.
More than anything, it made me realize that we all think we’re good friends. But most of us aren’t pulling our weight.
It’s a pity, because it’s not hard.
You don’t need a road trip to reconnect. You can start by firing off a text.
So when Andrew McCarthy is asked by his son, “You don’t really have any friends, do you, Dad?” — it lands.
That question sends him across the country to reconnect with old friends and talk to men about theirs.
That’s the engine of “Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship in America.”
The book, written as a travelogue, is really an attempt to answer a harder question: why aren’t men better friends?
McCarthy keeps circling the same idea: the desire not to appear weak.
Men don’t want to be vulnerable. They don’t want to need. And so they don’t show up for each other the way they could.
They also give each other a pass. Where women push, question, hold each other accountable, men tend to accept distance. Or even default to it.
There’s a line from Friedrich Nietzsche the book quotes: “Love is blind. Friendship closes its eyes.”
That’s male friendship in a nutshell.
But it wasn’t always like this. In the days of Alexander Hamilton and Abraham Lincoln, men formed emotionally intimate bonds. That started to change around World War II, when the model shifted to the stoic, self-contained man.
And now, here we are. A Kaiser Family Foundation study found that 22% of men often or always feel lonely.
The book works best when McCarthy gets out of the way and lets other men talk.
He meets lifelong best friends. He meets men who have none. He sits in bars and asks simple questions and gets surprisingly honest answers.
The writing is vivid without trying too hard. And on audio, McCarthy’s background as an actor helps. His narration makes the people he meets come alive.
The book also has these moments that stay with you. A friend once got upset that William Faulkner — a renowned curmudgeon — didn’t acknowledge him when they passed each other. His response: what more is there to say? We just spent the entire morning fishing.
It’s funny. It’s also exactly how a lot of men operate: side by side, often at a bar watching a game. Not face to face.
There’s another idea the book keeps returning to: friendship doesn’t complete you. It enhances you.
But that doesn’t just happen. It takes time — roughly 200 hours, according to the research cited in the book, to form a real friendship. And it takes something from you. If you want good friends, you have to be someone capable of being one.
“Who Needs Friends” will resonate with anyone who laments that their friend circle has shrunk. And perhaps the book will do for them what it did for me.
It made me reach out. It made me have conversations I wouldn’t normally have — about what friendship actually means, what we expect from it, and what we give to it.
More than anything, it made me realize that we all think we’re good friends. But most of us aren’t pulling our weight.
It’s a pity, because it’s not hard.
You don’t need a road trip to reconnect. You can start by firing off a text.
May 28, 2026
Surprisingly engaging. I wasn't sure what to expect but I was drawn in almost from the start. This book provides an insight into Andrew McCarthy's life and friendships and brings the continental US home to those who have not had a chance to explore it. You sort of live vicariously through Andrew's story as he travels the country visiting friends, talking to strangers and seeing the sites.
The only thing I think lacking is the need for opposite sex friendships. He went into how it was easier for women to maintain friendships (I'd argue it depends on the person not their sex), but he didn't explore the concept of having a friend of the opposite gender. Granted, this was a book about male friendship; I get that.
Overall, a really nice story and I really appreciated Andrew taking the time to share it. I chose to read (listen) to this because I am fan of Andrew the actor and wanted to learn about him as a person. He narrated the audio and I think he did a great job. I'd like to see more and know how long his commitment to his friends last or if time and distance will create another gap. Hope he keeps it up!
4 stars for the story and 5 for narration. I do recommend to basically anyone and everyone who is interested.
The only thing I think lacking is the need for opposite sex friendships. He went into how it was easier for women to maintain friendships (I'd argue it depends on the person not their sex), but he didn't explore the concept of having a friend of the opposite gender. Granted, this was a book about male friendship; I get that.
Overall, a really nice story and I really appreciated Andrew taking the time to share it. I chose to read (listen) to this because I am fan of Andrew the actor and wanted to learn about him as a person. He narrated the audio and I think he did a great job. I'd like to see more and know how long his commitment to his friends last or if time and distance will create another gap. Hope he keeps it up!
4 stars for the story and 5 for narration. I do recommend to basically anyone and everyone who is interested.
April 30, 2026
I was sold on the title, and then intrigued by the author, whose writing I have not encountered before! And, since it's read by the author, it's almost automatically a good time.
I will say that even though the subtitle is right there -- "An unscientific examination" -- I found myself yearning for a more scientific examination, which is obviously a me thing. Something that's an author thing is that it was a little frustrating for him to constantly be generalizing his ability or lack thereof to maintain friendships as an inherently male thing, because bro, me too, and so many women I know. (On the plus side, this will serve as a reminder to be better about generalizing in my own communication!)
Overall, it's a really good anecdotal look at friendship in the setting of a fun cross-country road trip and I definitely recommend it to anyone interested in the concept of friendship across all genders.
I will say that even though the subtitle is right there -- "An unscientific examination" -- I found myself yearning for a more scientific examination, which is obviously a me thing. Something that's an author thing is that it was a little frustrating for him to constantly be generalizing his ability or lack thereof to maintain friendships as an inherently male thing, because bro, me too, and so many women I know. (On the plus side, this will serve as a reminder to be better about generalizing in my own communication!)
Overall, it's a really good anecdotal look at friendship in the setting of a fun cross-country road trip and I definitely recommend it to anyone interested in the concept of friendship across all genders.
May 10, 2026
Oh Andrew, I’d love for him to narrate my life. Listened to the audiobook and hearing him read this book was perfect. It’s a lighthearted read that gets you thinking. I read it in tandem with a heavier book, and it was nice to come back to this. Like a breath of fresh air.
May 18, 2026
(I listened to the audiobook read by the author.) What a lovely, lively, meaningful, and interesting deep dive into male culture and friendship. Although I'm not a man, I enjoyed his thoughts about friendship and all the discussions that he had with friends and strangers. I also enjoyed the setting: Andrew's loosely planned, scenic American road trip, all over the map, visiting 5 friends with whom he had lost touch. I think just about everyone would enjoy this book.
May 5, 2026
Really enjoyed the topic. Definitely not something widely discussed but relevant. Texted a few friends after…
May 17, 2026
An important and timely book. We're all thinking the same thing.
May 29, 2026
Highly recommend this. McCarthy is a bit of a curmudgeon and that makes the book
May 24, 2026
“We men so often hold ourselves to some imagined ideal—an ideal that simple connection supersedes and proves unnecessary, even false. Back while driving in Kentucky, talking on the phone with Seve, I quoted Joseph Conrad's panoptic truth from Lord Jim-"Nobody, nobody is good enough." Yet with the accompaniment of friends—friends to hear us, to receive us, friends to understand and forgive us, to trust and accept us with grace and compassion, to laugh with us, to travel alongside us toward our better selves—we are capable of being much, much more than good enough.”
I really enjoyed this! A very honest look at the importance of male friendship, and a beautiful account of a roadtrip across America to visit friends and learn more about the human condition.
I really enjoyed this! A very honest look at the importance of male friendship, and a beautiful account of a roadtrip across America to visit friends and learn more about the human condition.
May 10, 2026
Fascinating. I loved listening to the audiobook. Love me some Andrew McCarthy. ❤️
March 27, 2026
It does what is says on the cover: an unscientific research in to male friendships. It was nice to read about various mens’ experiences with regard to their adult relationships with other men, but the book itself was fairly unstructured (random) in its approach relating this information.
The first half of the book leaned into the male relationship aspect, the second half was mostly about the random drive through the USA. The travel bits weren’t my really my thing, I don't have much interest in reading about someone else's roadtrip across the USA.
So in the end, I'm not sure if this was a USA roadtrip book about men, or a men’s book that took place while solo roadtripping. It seemed to want to do both and wasn’t really 100% on either.
The first half of the book leaned into the male relationship aspect, the second half was mostly about the random drive through the USA. The travel bits weren’t my really my thing, I don't have much interest in reading about someone else's roadtrip across the USA.
So in the end, I'm not sure if this was a USA roadtrip book about men, or a men’s book that took place while solo roadtripping. It seemed to want to do both and wasn’t really 100% on either.
April 27, 2026
The dude from 'Weekend at Bernie's' wrote this. That Andrew McCarthy the one from the Brat Pack in the 80's. A rather forgettable but benign US travelogue were the journalist meets up with old friends and takes a rather shallow look at male friendship. Kind of like having dinner with someone who spends their whole time talking about a recent trip and all their friends. if you are into that this might be your book or just want something mindless and light to read/listen to this might also be for you.
April 8, 2026
Extremely dull, meandering travel book that was written under the guise of being about "friendship," when in truth it's just a boring retelling of McCarthy's drives through small town America. There is little of substance here, no matter how hard he tries to make it about friendship, because the guy is alone much of the time and includes meeting strangers to exchange hellos as being part of his friends networking!
In order to make it sound legit, the celebrity inserts about one paragraph per chapter of academic research regarding friendship. You could do better doing an online search yourself. It sounds like he randomly used the internet to come up with random data instead of building this into a compelling argument. To subtitle this "unscientific" is totally correct but it detracts from any minimal points he tries to make.
While McCarthy claims this is all real, it's very hard to believe in spots. He drives to an old friend's place in Kentucky and along the way his wife calls out of nowhere to say she's taking the kids that night on a plane to Ireland? Seriously? Who just hops on a plane to leave the country immediately when her husband is supposed to come back in the next couple of days? He then wanders on to other states with no plan and suddenly decides to go cross country to California? He's not a preppie/hippie from the 1980s anymore, it makes no sense. In Arizona he just happens upon a weird spiritual guy trained in the Mankind Project who is leading a local men's group that ponders friendship issues. Amazing coincidence, right?
The way he tells every rambling story makes everything sound super laid back and coincidental, but many also feel stitched together to try to drive a narrative that the author knows has little to it. There is a lot of stereotyping, especially about gender and friendship. There should be many woke gender-fluid people upset that he clearly states major differences between "men" and "women," with guys always being on the losing end of any comment.
McCarthy does encounter one "New Age" gay guy in Arizona who disputes Andrew's generalizations about the differences between men and women by saying, "What we come up with as far as gender roles is entirely a cultural construct that has nothing inherent about it." All the author adds is, "While not certain I agree with all that, I express my gratitude" to the guy for discussing it! You're left to feel like this was a perfect opportunity to dive into the gender aspects of the writer's generalizations, but he fails to do anything with it, as is true of most of his encounters.
You may need to fact check this as well--at one point he spends the night at the Texas hotel where the stars of the movie Giant stayed but writes that the movie was "James Dean's third and final film before his premature death." Well James Dean actually appeared in eight movies, five uncredited and three credited. Why is McCarthy perpetuating the myth that Dean only was in three?
And it's extremely ironic that he stays in a BnB that was used in the film "Steel Magnolias," but he hates the place. Instead of writing about the dissonance, he just complains.
I came away feeling like I'd been on the trip with him, and that's not good--I was bored and not trusting this driver, who seems uncertain of just about every decision. He gives a few glimpses of his past memories throughout, but the book is weighed down by too much nothing about tiny places with few people.
I don't even think he made a compelling point about the book's supposed subject, claiming that "I feel surrounded by friendship" when scrolling through all the texts he receives from friends he met along the way. Andrew, if you're using texts as proof of your "feeling" like you have friends, this trip didn't teach you anything. That's part of the problem today--people think online communication is from "friends" they never meet to give them the false feeling of intimacy. His actual face-to-face contacts were a mixture of tedious and creepy (his "best friend" who has an apartment filled with hundreds of Amazon boxes is really weird--then McCarthy breaks in at one point to make sure the sleeping guy is okay).
Who needs friends? A better question is who needs this book? It felt like a wasted trip.
In order to make it sound legit, the celebrity inserts about one paragraph per chapter of academic research regarding friendship. You could do better doing an online search yourself. It sounds like he randomly used the internet to come up with random data instead of building this into a compelling argument. To subtitle this "unscientific" is totally correct but it detracts from any minimal points he tries to make.
While McCarthy claims this is all real, it's very hard to believe in spots. He drives to an old friend's place in Kentucky and along the way his wife calls out of nowhere to say she's taking the kids that night on a plane to Ireland? Seriously? Who just hops on a plane to leave the country immediately when her husband is supposed to come back in the next couple of days? He then wanders on to other states with no plan and suddenly decides to go cross country to California? He's not a preppie/hippie from the 1980s anymore, it makes no sense. In Arizona he just happens upon a weird spiritual guy trained in the Mankind Project who is leading a local men's group that ponders friendship issues. Amazing coincidence, right?
The way he tells every rambling story makes everything sound super laid back and coincidental, but many also feel stitched together to try to drive a narrative that the author knows has little to it. There is a lot of stereotyping, especially about gender and friendship. There should be many woke gender-fluid people upset that he clearly states major differences between "men" and "women," with guys always being on the losing end of any comment.
McCarthy does encounter one "New Age" gay guy in Arizona who disputes Andrew's generalizations about the differences between men and women by saying, "What we come up with as far as gender roles is entirely a cultural construct that has nothing inherent about it." All the author adds is, "While not certain I agree with all that, I express my gratitude" to the guy for discussing it! You're left to feel like this was a perfect opportunity to dive into the gender aspects of the writer's generalizations, but he fails to do anything with it, as is true of most of his encounters.
You may need to fact check this as well--at one point he spends the night at the Texas hotel where the stars of the movie Giant stayed but writes that the movie was "James Dean's third and final film before his premature death." Well James Dean actually appeared in eight movies, five uncredited and three credited. Why is McCarthy perpetuating the myth that Dean only was in three?
And it's extremely ironic that he stays in a BnB that was used in the film "Steel Magnolias," but he hates the place. Instead of writing about the dissonance, he just complains.
I came away feeling like I'd been on the trip with him, and that's not good--I was bored and not trusting this driver, who seems uncertain of just about every decision. He gives a few glimpses of his past memories throughout, but the book is weighed down by too much nothing about tiny places with few people.
I don't even think he made a compelling point about the book's supposed subject, claiming that "I feel surrounded by friendship" when scrolling through all the texts he receives from friends he met along the way. Andrew, if you're using texts as proof of your "feeling" like you have friends, this trip didn't teach you anything. That's part of the problem today--people think online communication is from "friends" they never meet to give them the false feeling of intimacy. His actual face-to-face contacts were a mixture of tedious and creepy (his "best friend" who has an apartment filled with hundreds of Amazon boxes is really weird--then McCarthy breaks in at one point to make sure the sleeping guy is okay).
Who needs friends? A better question is who needs this book? It felt like a wasted trip.
March 26, 2026
Part Memoir. Part Travelogue. All Too Real. This is one of those books where even as McCarthy himself is traveling across the country to meet up with friends from much earlier in his life who he has lost contact with, I find myself reading it as a 43yo man and thinking of my own similar friendships. Specifically Mike, the guy I once worked with in the computer lab at Kennesaw State University where we bonded over playing Halo in the back room between the labs when neither of us had any students to work with, and Sean, the SQL guru who was once essential both in getting me hired at one job and in being a close partner and friend at that job, neither of whom I've seen in 10 or even 20 yrs now.
Thus, as McCarthy talks about how much these guys meant to him and how much he misses them... yeah, that absolutely *hits*... and I suspect it will with most guys, because most of us (particularly these days) *all* have these types of friendships. Even my own dad, who lived literally just three houses away from his own best friend for roughly 30 yrs, now lives in the next County up.
The fact that McCarthy uses connecting with his friends as a reason to start off on what becomes a road trip across America from coast to coast talking to the various men he encounters along the way about their own friendships works quite well here, and we get a wide variety of responses and perspectives along the way. Including, even, a female to male transexual teenage child. (That last bit is only a very small part of the overall narrative, but *is* present - so do with that as you will. As part of the overall tale and discussion here, it does in fact add a different perspective and wrinkle, and I pass no judgement here either direction on that perspective.)
The travel part of this almost reads like a version of so many similar projects over the years, including the former Motor Home Diaries where Adam Mueller, Peter Eyre, and Jason Talley once travelled the country searching for liberty in America during Obama's first year as President - and even more than a few hints of one Jack None Reacher, created by British author Lee Child. Indeed, one passage in particular in Uvalde - yes, that Uvalde, and yes, the school in question is *exactly* where McCarthy was at this point in the narrative - really brings forth shades of the MHD crew, while other passages - specifically in Mississippi - bring forth a more explicitly Reacher vibe as McCarthy seeks out esoteric Jazz legends.
Because this book is primarily memoir and almost entirely direct personal experience, the normal requirements for a nonfiction book to have a 15% or more bibliography don't really apply here, though even in the Advance Review Copy edition of the book I read, there was in fact at least some recommended reading provided at the end that seemed to include many of the various studies and other works McCarthy had mentioned over the course of his narrative.
Overall this really was a quite fun and even poignant tale that does exactly what its subtitle proclaims - provides "an unscientific examination of male friendship across America", and in its breadth and quality of writing in particular, it really does excel. Who knew, maybe this "washed up actor" might just be a decent enough writer? ;) (That last bit was a joke, to be clear. McCarthy really is one of the better travel writers I've read in quite a while.)
Very much recommended.
Thus, as McCarthy talks about how much these guys meant to him and how much he misses them... yeah, that absolutely *hits*... and I suspect it will with most guys, because most of us (particularly these days) *all* have these types of friendships. Even my own dad, who lived literally just three houses away from his own best friend for roughly 30 yrs, now lives in the next County up.
The fact that McCarthy uses connecting with his friends as a reason to start off on what becomes a road trip across America from coast to coast talking to the various men he encounters along the way about their own friendships works quite well here, and we get a wide variety of responses and perspectives along the way. Including, even, a female to male transexual teenage child. (That last bit is only a very small part of the overall narrative, but *is* present - so do with that as you will. As part of the overall tale and discussion here, it does in fact add a different perspective and wrinkle, and I pass no judgement here either direction on that perspective.)
The travel part of this almost reads like a version of so many similar projects over the years, including the former Motor Home Diaries where Adam Mueller, Peter Eyre, and Jason Talley once travelled the country searching for liberty in America during Obama's first year as President - and even more than a few hints of one Jack None Reacher, created by British author Lee Child. Indeed, one passage in particular in Uvalde - yes, that Uvalde, and yes, the school in question is *exactly* where McCarthy was at this point in the narrative - really brings forth shades of the MHD crew, while other passages - specifically in Mississippi - bring forth a more explicitly Reacher vibe as McCarthy seeks out esoteric Jazz legends.
Because this book is primarily memoir and almost entirely direct personal experience, the normal requirements for a nonfiction book to have a 15% or more bibliography don't really apply here, though even in the Advance Review Copy edition of the book I read, there was in fact at least some recommended reading provided at the end that seemed to include many of the various studies and other works McCarthy had mentioned over the course of his narrative.
Overall this really was a quite fun and even poignant tale that does exactly what its subtitle proclaims - provides "an unscientific examination of male friendship across America", and in its breadth and quality of writing in particular, it really does excel. Who knew, maybe this "washed up actor" might just be a decent enough writer? ;) (That last bit was a joke, to be clear. McCarthy really is one of the better travel writers I've read in quite a while.)
Very much recommended.
March 29, 2026
Andrew McCarthy’s new book, Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination Of Male Friendship Across America, is a travelogue of the author’s cross-country road trip to visit five close male friends with whom he has basically lost touch. He not only analyzes his relationships with these men – how they started, why they lapsed, and how they reignited thanks to these impulsive visits - but also talks to various men across America whom he encounters on the road, asking them about their own success (or lack thereof) with meaningful friendships. Opening the book talking about the epidemic of loneliness that plagues modern men (and its very real and negative impact on longevity), McCarthy explores how different generations deal with it (younger men are more open to admitting their loneliness) and the common traits that help men connect in order to combat it. Some men cite loyalty, trust and a lack of judgment as key to their meaningful male friendships, while others have simply given up on making an effort to find them. My takeaway from Who Needs Friends about the state of male friendship is a mixed bag – part hopeful, part really depressing – as it seems that many men are simply destined to give in to inertia, insecurity or long-held images of masculinity, rather than examine what might be missing from their lives and how to fix it. I really enjoyed McCarthy’s exploration of his own friendships and his role in their ebb and flow, as well as his beautiful travel writing. I felt like I was on that epic road trip with him, experiencing the grand vastness and variety of the American landscape. I highly recommend this one!
April 28, 2026
2.5 rounded up. I’m not sure this would’ve been published if an ordinary bloke wrote it, but because it was AM, there you have it.
The book is sparked by a blunt question from McCarthy’s son: "You don't really have any friends, do you, Dad?" This realization—that he had allowed his close bonds to fade into the background of adult life—prompts him to embark on a 10,000-mile solo road trip across the United States. So he seeks to reconnect with his friends, and he investigates and observes male friends en route including interesting observations about what it means to be a man. He explores the epidemic of loneliness, and inertia versus maintenance wrt friendship and generational differences, i.e. young men much more willing to admit they are lonely. AM talks about the importance of connection. He examines his role in why his friendships lapsed.
-the Faulkner story: we just spent the entire morning talking and fishing. What on earth do we have to say to each other?
-Epicurus: it is not so much our friends’ help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us
— while nothing can replace those early connections [foundational relationships], friends made later in life have rich value if for no other reason than that it can be so much more difficult to make friends as we get older. They require a conscious and active (and vulnerable making) commitment in the way those early friendships did not, when friendships seemed to “just happen.”
The book is sparked by a blunt question from McCarthy’s son: "You don't really have any friends, do you, Dad?" This realization—that he had allowed his close bonds to fade into the background of adult life—prompts him to embark on a 10,000-mile solo road trip across the United States. So he seeks to reconnect with his friends, and he investigates and observes male friends en route including interesting observations about what it means to be a man. He explores the epidemic of loneliness, and inertia versus maintenance wrt friendship and generational differences, i.e. young men much more willing to admit they are lonely. AM talks about the importance of connection. He examines his role in why his friendships lapsed.
-the Faulkner story: we just spent the entire morning talking and fishing. What on earth do we have to say to each other?
-Epicurus: it is not so much our friends’ help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us
— while nothing can replace those early connections [foundational relationships], friends made later in life have rich value if for no other reason than that it can be so much more difficult to make friends as we get older. They require a conscious and active (and vulnerable making) commitment in the way those early friendships did not, when friendships seemed to “just happen.”
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 25, 2026
What I love about Andrew McCarthy’s writing is the way he lets himself be fully, almost disarmingly vulnerable, and “Who Needs Friends?” is no exception. In this book, he turns that vulnerability inward first, examining the shape, history, and sometimes the failures of his own friendships before widening the lens to other men. He becomes almost journalistic in his curiosity, asking why male friendships can feel so essential yet so elusive, so emotionally necessary yet so culturally underdeveloped.
That question sends him on a cross‑country road trip, a kind of middle‑aged quest narrative, where each stop becomes a small case study in connection. Some visits are warm, some awkward, some unexpectedly revealing. And then there are the sleep stops, those strange, liminal overnights that end up being some of the most interesting moments in the book, because of the locations he chooses and the characters he meets.
Reading it, I kept thinking it felt like a mash‑up of “For the Love of Men” by Liz Plank and “Travels with Charley” by John Steinbeck: part cultural critique of masculinity, part wandering American travelogue, part personal reckoning.
And I can’t help but smile at the idea that McCarthy may have finally become the writer he once played in St. Elmo’s Fire, the introspective observer, the guy trying to make sense of the world and his place in it. Or maybe that was always him, and we’re just now seeing the long arc of that character made real.
That question sends him on a cross‑country road trip, a kind of middle‑aged quest narrative, where each stop becomes a small case study in connection. Some visits are warm, some awkward, some unexpectedly revealing. And then there are the sleep stops, those strange, liminal overnights that end up being some of the most interesting moments in the book, because of the locations he chooses and the characters he meets.
Reading it, I kept thinking it felt like a mash‑up of “For the Love of Men” by Liz Plank and “Travels with Charley” by John Steinbeck: part cultural critique of masculinity, part wandering American travelogue, part personal reckoning.
And I can’t help but smile at the idea that McCarthy may have finally become the writer he once played in St. Elmo’s Fire, the introspective observer, the guy trying to make sense of the world and his place in it. Or maybe that was always him, and we’re just now seeing the long arc of that character made real.
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