The Mother-Daughter Project: How Mothers and Daughters Can Band Together, Beat the Odds, and Thrive Through Adolescence

by SuEllen Hamkins, Renee Schultz

Few things are more meaningful—or more complicated—than mother-daughter relationships. This helpful parenting guide helps moms navigate their relationships with their daughters to create strong ties and a close, respectful connection that will last a lifetime. 

SuEllen Hamkins, MD, and Renée Schultz, MA, originally created the Mother-Daughter Project with other women in their community in the hopes of strengthening their bonds with their then seven-year-old girls. The group met regularly to speak frankly about such issues as friendships and aggression, puberty, body image, drugs, and sexuality.

The results were confident, assertive teenage girls with strong self-images and close ties to their moms. Equally important, the mothers navigated their own concerns about adolescence with integrity and grace.

From their dedication and efforts arose  The Mother-Daughter Project, an incredibly useful parenting handbook that details the success of the Project’s groundbreaking model, providing mothers with a road map for staying close with their own daughters through adolescence and beyond.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

353 pages, Paperback

First published April 5, 2007

About the author

SuEllen Hamkins, M.D., after twelve years as the psychiatrist for Smith College, now has a private practice in Northampton, Massachusetts, specializing in women's mental health. SuEllen is the mother of two daughters, ages 12 and 17, and raising them has been the most thrilling and rewarding work of her life.

Aware that the world offers both opportunities and challenges for mothers and girls, SuEllen reached out to other mothers and daughters beginning in her girls' infancies, ultimately becoming one of the founding mothers of the Mother-Daughter Project. Bringing the empowering, nurturing and joyful message of the Project to other mothers and daughters is her calling.

SuEllen lives with her husband, Jay Indik, and daughters in western Massachusetts, where they love to swim outdoors, cross country ski, shoe snow, dance, cook and lounge around in the living room, reading.

Reviews

[Lissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

These moms are a bit more liberal than I am, but I loved the idea that we can be parents AND friends with our daughters. The authors have great tips for how to address "hot" topics before they become issues for a girl. Recommended to all mothers of girls. (I hope to start a similar group with my oldest when she is 7!)

[Taylor-henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book, written by two mothers and therapists, challenges the commonly accepted notion that teenage girls will "hate" their moms during adolescence. They offer very hands-on ways to allow the natural separation of teenage girls from their mothers, but at the same time strengthening their close, loving relationship.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love it so far- what I am really learning is that the instinct of being as close as possible to my kid is a good one.

[Zoe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am in a Mother-Daughter group thanks to this book.

[Lisa Percy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a great tool and spring board, but doesn’t completely fit with our group’s goals.

[Susan Iverson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked away at this book for 2 years, reading different sections more closely depending upon my daughter's age. Unfortunately, I never convened the suggested mother/daughter group that the author models.

[Tiffany · Rating 4 out of 5]

I LOVE this book. Seriously. I wish I had written it. If I had I could die happy knowing that I made a difference in the world.

I enthusiastically agree with the authors' foundational belief that daughters don't have to separate themselves from their mothers in order to grow up. They preach that in fact the opposite is true. Daughters need the gentle guidance and support of their mothers to grow up to be healthy, happy young women. The authors say that setting up a mother daughter support group is a great way to accomplish this.

I already created a girls group 3 years ago, and it's still going strong. I hadn't really thought about having meetings just for the moms and meetings for the mothers and daughters together. Mine had just been me teaching my group of girls. I think adding some of that could benefit our group.

There are two reasons I only gave it 4 stars instead of 5. First, I only read the curriculum section for 9 and 10 year olds, since that's what applies to me right now. So, I can't say whether or not the rest was good.

The other reason is that the part of the curriculum section that I did read didn't include nearly as much or as detailed information as I was hoping for. I wanted to be able to walk away with meeting agendas for every meeting. What was provided was much more vague, and not exactly the type of discussions and activities I was looking for. For example, the curriculum for the entire 9 year old year was about celebrating menstruation. Not only do I not think it would take my girls a year to figure it out, I would not be comfortable dancing around with red scarves to represent having a period. I'm not against it, it's just not for me.

I think this lack in the curriculum section could make it unlikely that other mothers will start their own group because there is just too much work left to do to make one happen. I hope the authors will consider creating a workbook to supplement this book that includes a "curriculum for dummies" that anyone could easily follow.

Overall, I think mothers and daughters everywhere could be deeply enriched by starting their own mother daughter project.

[Christina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this hard to read. It managed to make me feel like a failure and pile on the guilt, all while insisting that wasn't what it was doing. Of particular irritation: outlining common myths of motherhood without offering any suggestions or guidance for replacing those myths. It's not helpful to know that the socially prevalent ideals for motherhood are crazy-making (duh!) without any sort of guide or framework for replacing those ideals. Telling me I'm wrong without giving any real guidance toward being right just leaves me hanging in a void, which is hardly a helpful place from which to parent.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a thoughtful, encouraging book. Most important, the authors make a convincing case against the widespread notion that staying close to their parents inhibits teenagers' maturation. They say (and cite research) that adolescents mature best in the context of close relationships, including with their mothers. It's so rare to find a parenting book with a feminist perspective that I just gobbled this up.

[Calliope]

This is a book I have been reading slowly. It's interesting and meaningful, but hasn't compelled me to read it in one sitting. Last fall some mother-daughter groups were organizing in Madison, and I am happy to say I did join one. So far only the mothers have met, but starting in March the daughters will join us.

[Rend]

I heard about this from an NPR program. I have reviewed their website and hope to start a similar project with Tessneem and a group of Muslim women and their daughters. Waiting to read the book first.

[Sierra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant idea to help mothers & daughters remain close through the often difficult adolescent years. I'm part of an 18 member mother-daughter group that formed this year (3rd grade) & plan to continue it through high school graduation.

[Avicia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is currently on loan from the library. I love the idea and will likely need to get my own copy. I hope to connect with a group as well!

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good ideas on fully engaging with your daughter and forming ties to other strong female role models.

[Readersaurus · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting and important read, with plenty to think about.

[Charlotte · Rating 3 out of 5]

a guide for staying connected through adolescence and beyond. My girls are still preschoolers but I hope to revisit this book as they get older.

[Treva · Rating 4 out of 5]

....

[Eileen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love the idea of a mother/daughter book club - I loved how it was able to keep the mother and daughters close

[GalwayGirl]

Like it already and have high expectations.

[Mary · Rating 1 out of 5]

It pains me to say it, and some people might like this book, but it wasn't for me. And I was very hopeful in the beginning.

[Ollie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gave me lots of great information on child development and stages. It's also got a ton of ideas for preserving and strengthening mother-daughter bonds.

[Shauna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't wait to start my own Mother-Daughter Project!

[Dinah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book about keeping a connection with your daughter as well as understanding your relationship with your own mother.

[Jessie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book but quite frankly I think it's way too touchy/feely for most people. I don't see many everyday women implementing these strategies.

[Carey · Rating 3 out of 5]

A wealth of good advice to keep Nat and I close for years!