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Vampire Planet
Ron Koertge wants to do nothing but delight. Armed with wit and brains, he introduces readers to Dr. Frankenstein's frustrated fiancée and gives an alternate reading to the Bible story about Lot's nameless wife. He rues the loss of a favorite pair of underpants, attends a bachelor party where Mr. Magoo makes an appearance, and suggests what cheerleaders will be like in the future. Bashful, one of the seven dwarfs, spills the beans about Snow White. Death comes home from a business trip to his favorite meal, and Epeius—who designed the Trojan horse—turns out to be a better architect than a warrior. Saint George muses about girls, and on her honeymoon Mrs. Mark Trail wishes her husband would take his eyes off that moose get down to business. In a sestina, Ron probes the psyches of the Hardy boys. A half dozen charming couplets tell about an experience at a local car wash, and a domestic reveals the secret life of clothes.
Like Reverend Ike and John Lennon said, "Whatever gets you through the night"—this book will do that and carry you right into the next day. Guaranteed.
Like Reverend Ike and John Lennon said, "Whatever gets you through the night"—this book will do that and carry you right into the next day. Guaranteed.
- GenresPoetry
Kindle Edition
Published April 1, 2016
21 people want to read
About the author
Ron Koertge
75 books102 followersAsk Ron Koertge what he brings to the realm of young adult fiction, and the seasoned author responds matter-of-factly. "I write dialogue well, and I'm funny," he says--an assessment few would argue with. "I like iconoclasm and practice it in my fiction. I don't like pretense or hypocrisy. I'm almost always irreverent."
A faculty member for more than 35 years at Pasadena City College, where he has taught everything from Shakespeare to remedial writing, Ron Koertge is the author of several acclaimed novels, most of them for young adults. That Ron Koertge is a master at capturing teenagers' voices--often in witty repartee--is fully evident in MARGAUX WITH AN X, the story of a sharp-tongued beauty and a quirky, quick-witted loner. "MARGAUX WITH AN X started as a short story, but the heroine wouldn't let me alone," the author says. "She had a story to tell, and she wanted a whole novel to tell it in." Another unlikely pairing is found in STONER & SPAZ, Ron Koertge's funny, in-your-face tale of a young cinephile with cerebral palsy and the stoner who steals his heart. "My wife works with the disabled," the writer says of his inspiration for the novel, which quickly garnered critical acclaim. "One night she came home and told me about a young man she'd been working with. He had C.P. and a terrific sense of humor. Coincidentally, that day I had talked to a former student of mine who'd recently been in rehab for substance abuse. What would happen, I wondered, if those two knew each other?"
In addition to his young adult novels, Ron Koertge writes poetry, and has been dubbed "the wisest, most entertaining wiseguy in American poetry" by poet-laureate Billy Collins. SHAKESPEARE BATS CLEANUP is narrated by a straight-talking, fourteen-year-old first baseman who has been benched by mono and decides to take a swing at writing poetry. Written entirely in free verse, with examples of several poetic forms slipped into the mix--including a sonnet, haiku, pastoral, and even a pantoum--SHAKESPEARE BATS CLEANUP is a veritable English teacher's dream. "The interest in SHAKESPEARE BATS CLEANUP is less with the arc of the plot than with the individual poems, some of which demonstrate poetic form, some of which tell the story," the author says. "One of my biggest challenges was to write like a fourteen-year-old who has a knack for writing poetry, and not just sound like a sixty-one-year-old pretending to be one!"
The author's first book with Candlewick, THE BRIMSTONE JOURNALS, is also a novel written in free verse, with 15 different teenage characters narrating four or five poems each. "The book started to nag me a few months before the shooting at Columbine High School in Colorado, and I started to make notes in the form of poems," he says of the hauntingly prescient work. "BRIMSTONE needed to move at high velocity, and this form is perfect for that: no tail fins, no leather seats, no moon roof. Just get in and go."
Ron Koertge grew up in an agricultural area in an old mining town in Illinois, just across the Mississippi from St. Louis, Missouri. There he learned to "drive a tractor and buck hay bales, which are clearly useful skills in Los Angeles," he quips. He and his wife live in South Pasadena, California.
A faculty member for more than 35 years at Pasadena City College, where he has taught everything from Shakespeare to remedial writing, Ron Koertge is the author of several acclaimed novels, most of them for young adults. That Ron Koertge is a master at capturing teenagers' voices--often in witty repartee--is fully evident in MARGAUX WITH AN X, the story of a sharp-tongued beauty and a quirky, quick-witted loner. "MARGAUX WITH AN X started as a short story, but the heroine wouldn't let me alone," the author says. "She had a story to tell, and she wanted a whole novel to tell it in." Another unlikely pairing is found in STONER & SPAZ, Ron Koertge's funny, in-your-face tale of a young cinephile with cerebral palsy and the stoner who steals his heart. "My wife works with the disabled," the writer says of his inspiration for the novel, which quickly garnered critical acclaim. "One night she came home and told me about a young man she'd been working with. He had C.P. and a terrific sense of humor. Coincidentally, that day I had talked to a former student of mine who'd recently been in rehab for substance abuse. What would happen, I wondered, if those two knew each other?"
In addition to his young adult novels, Ron Koertge writes poetry, and has been dubbed "the wisest, most entertaining wiseguy in American poetry" by poet-laureate Billy Collins. SHAKESPEARE BATS CLEANUP is narrated by a straight-talking, fourteen-year-old first baseman who has been benched by mono and decides to take a swing at writing poetry. Written entirely in free verse, with examples of several poetic forms slipped into the mix--including a sonnet, haiku, pastoral, and even a pantoum--SHAKESPEARE BATS CLEANUP is a veritable English teacher's dream. "The interest in SHAKESPEARE BATS CLEANUP is less with the arc of the plot than with the individual poems, some of which demonstrate poetic form, some of which tell the story," the author says. "One of my biggest challenges was to write like a fourteen-year-old who has a knack for writing poetry, and not just sound like a sixty-one-year-old pretending to be one!"
The author's first book with Candlewick, THE BRIMSTONE JOURNALS, is also a novel written in free verse, with 15 different teenage characters narrating four or five poems each. "The book started to nag me a few months before the shooting at Columbine High School in Colorado, and I started to make notes in the form of poems," he says of the hauntingly prescient work. "BRIMSTONE needed to move at high velocity, and this form is perfect for that: no tail fins, no leather seats, no moon roof. Just get in and go."
Ron Koertge grew up in an agricultural area in an old mining town in Illinois, just across the Mississippi from St. Louis, Missouri. There he learned to "drive a tractor and buck hay bales, which are clearly useful skills in Los Angeles," he quips. He and his wife live in South Pasadena, California.
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
December 13, 2016
I really enjoyed this good-sized collection. Koertge's style is engaging, highly readable and often humorous. The subjects range widely. I have to go through it again and count how many poems could be considered speculative, even remotely. It may not be enough to allow me to review it for Star*Line or Amazing Stories. Regardless, I will be reviewing in full soonish.
April 21, 2024
New favorite poet. Clever witty insightful touching and vulgar.
May 16, 2020
He's quirky, he's original, he's hilarious, he's insightful, he's shocking, he knows the human heart, and he can be pleasingly vulgar. What more could you ask of a poet?!
This stanza, from the marvelous "Why I Believe in God," records his exchange with the Divine One immediately after the poet miraculously passes his near disastrous oral comps for his master's:
I stepped outside into the Tucson heat. God was sitting on
the steps in front of Old Main staring his sandals.
"Ronald!" He waved me over. "I protected you when you
drove home drunk, I introduced you to Betty Leoffler,
and I got you through that."
"You introduced me to Betty?"
"You were lonely."
"Gosh, thanks."
"You don't believe in me, but I believe in you. So I'm
interested in what you plan to do next."
"Not get a PhD. I'm a terrible student."
"You're telling me."
"I like writing poetry."
God stood up. He had a great smile and, except for those sandals, a cool
outfit. "Fine. Be a poet. But don't say mean
things about people in your poems. Be generous. Don't be deep
or obscure. Try and make people laugh." Then, just
before He disappeared, He kissed me. And that is why I am
standing here tonight.
This stanza, from the marvelous "Why I Believe in God," records his exchange with the Divine One immediately after the poet miraculously passes his near disastrous oral comps for his master's:
I stepped outside into the Tucson heat. God was sitting on
the steps in front of Old Main staring his sandals.
"Ronald!" He waved me over. "I protected you when you
drove home drunk, I introduced you to Betty Leoffler,
and I got you through that."
"You introduced me to Betty?"
"You were lonely."
"Gosh, thanks."
"You don't believe in me, but I believe in you. So I'm
interested in what you plan to do next."
"Not get a PhD. I'm a terrible student."
"You're telling me."
"I like writing poetry."
God stood up. He had a great smile and, except for those sandals, a cool
outfit. "Fine. Be a poet. But don't say mean
things about people in your poems. Be generous. Don't be deep
or obscure. Try and make people laugh." Then, just
before He disappeared, He kissed me. And that is why I am
standing here tonight.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews