Screamfree Parenting, 10th Anniversary Revised Edition: How to Raise Amazing Adults by Learning to Pause More and React Less

by Hal Runkel

You Can Start a Revolution in Your Family . . . Tonight

ScreamFree Parenting is not just about lowering your voice. It’s about learning to calm your emotional reactions and learning to focus on your own behavior more than your kids’ behavior . . . for their benefit. Our biggest enemy as parents is not the TV, the Internet, or even drugs. Our biggest enemy is our own emotional reactivity. When we say we “lost it” with our kids, the “it” in that sentence is our own adulthood. And then we wonder why our kids have so little respect for us, why our kids seem to have all the power in the family.

It’s time to do it differently. And you can. You can start to create and enjoy the types of calm, mutually respectful, and loving relationships with your kids that you’ve always craved. You can begin to revolutionize your family, starting tonight.

Parenting is not about kids, it’s about parents.
If you’re not in control, then you cannot be in charge.
What every kid really needs are parents who are able to keep their cool no matter what.

Easier said than done? Not anymore, thanks to ScreamFree Parenting, the principle-based approach that’s inspiring parents everywhere to truly revolutionize their family dynamics. Moving beyond the child-centered, technique-based approaches that ultimately fail, the ScreamFree way compels you to:

focus on yourself
calm yourself down, and
grow yourself up

By staying calm and connected with your kids, you begin to operate less out of your deepest fears and more out of your highest principles, revolutionizing your relationships in the process.

ScreamFree Parenting is not just another parenting book. It’s the first parenting
book that maintains—from beginning to end—that parenting is NOT about kids . . . it’s about parents. As parents pay more attention to controlling their own behavior instead of their kids’ behavior, the result is stronger, more rewarding, and more fulfilling family relationships.

For those of you reading who are parents, know parents, or have had parents, the notion that the greatest thing you can do for your children is to learn to focus on yourself may sound strange, even heretical. It’s not. Here’s why: we are the only ones we can control. We cannot control our kids—we cannot control the behavior of any other human being. And yet, so many “experts” keep giving us more tools (“techniques”) to help us try to do just that. And, of course, the more we try to control, the more out of control our children become.

“Don’t make me come up there.” “Don’t make me pull this car over.” “How many times do I have to tell you?” Even our language suggests that our kids have control over us.
It’s no wonder that we end up screaming. Or shutting down. Or simply giving up. And the charts, refrigerator magnets, family meetings, and other techniques in most typical parenting books just don’t work. They end up making us feel more frustrated and more powerless in this whole parenting thing.

This practical, effective guide for parents of all ages with kids of all ages introduces proven principles for overcoming the anxieties and stresses of parenting and setting new patterns of connection and cooperation. Well-written in an engaging, conversational tone, the book is sensible, straightforward, and based on the experiences of hundreds of actual families. It will help all parents become calming authorities in their homes, bring peace to their families today, and give kids what they need to grow into caring, self-directed adults tomorrow.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology, Family, Reference

336 pages, Paperback

First published October 30, 2004

Reviews

[Maribeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

First of all, I really REALLY don't like the title of this book. I don't scream at my child, but of course anyone who sees me reading this will assume that is what I struggle with.
Getting past the title though... I gave this book 5 stars, not because I think it is the most amazing, revolutionary book out there, but because it is absolutely perfect for ME and helping me interact with my child the way I really want to. To me, its not about not screaming, its about not letting your child push your buttons. Its about the bigger picture - what do you want your child to be like in 20 years, and what can you do now to facilitate that? Does simply getting him to obey you really mean success? Or would it be better to give him choices, allow him to experience the consequences, and then watch him learn to make the good decisions on his own. A lot of it is common sense, but putting it into words and being forced to really think about these things is extremely helpful to me.

I can't possibly get into all the great information this book offers in a single review, but suffice it to say I flew through Scream Free Parenting in one day, highlighting the points that were important to me, and I will continue to review those points as I try to be the parent I want to be to my child. I was adjusting my way of communicating and seeing changes for the better the very first day.

[Sorina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Titlu: Fără țipete
Autor: Hal Runkel
334 de pagini
Ed. Bookzone, mai 2023
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️


Am început să citesc această carte după un episod cu copii mei în care nu m-am simțit mândră de reacția avută și mi-am propus să iau atitudine. Nu prea citesc cărți de parenting sau dezvoltare personală deoarece nu fac decât să mă facă să simt incomod pentru că multe din ele prezintă idealul relațiilor indiferent de natura lor și nu concretizează felul în care se ajunge acolo.

Mi-a plăcut cel mai tare introducerea când autorul spune că cei mai buni părinții sunt cei care nu au copii.😉😉😉😉😉

Și eu atunci când nu aveam copii știam cel mai bine cum va fi copilul meu: cuminte, nu va țipa, nu va face scene în public, se va spăla ,îmbrăca, merge la culcare fără țipete și mofturi. Va fi ascultător și își va strânge jucăriile de pe jos. Va fi ordine în dulapul de cărți și haine.

Această carte este diferită și as fi vrut să o citesc acum 12 ani dar niciodată nu e prea târziu deși unele lucruri nu le mai pot repara.
O recomand celor care vor să devină părinți. E musai să o citiți și mai mult decât atât să o aveți în casă și să o recitiți ori de câte ori vă confruntați cu o situație.

Ce mi-a plăcut este că se adresează tuturor grupelor de vârstă și abordează probleme de la nou-născut până la adolescent și cum putem să gestionăm anumite situații.
Unele exemple descrise au fost asemănătoare cu cele prin care am trecut și eu cu fetița mea iar felul cum am reacționat uneori era același alteori diferit și mi-am dat seama că puteam să fac altfel și mă încerca un sentiment de vinovăție. Mă bucur ca am descoperit-o acum și voi încerca o altă abordare cu băiețelul meu. Nu promit că voi și reuși dar mă voi strădui.

Cu unele lucruri prezentate nu sunt de acord, ca de exemplu să îi las dezordine în cameră și să nu insist sa își facă curățenie…nu pot trece peste, poate și pentru că în copilărie mama insista pe curățenie. Tocmai despre asta este cartea..despre noi, nu despre copii noștri. Despre cum trebuie să lucrăm cu noi pentru a ne ajuta copii.
Fiind însă vorba de exemple din America, unele situații nu se pot compara cu cele de la noi. Cultura, mentalitatea, obiceiurile, tradițiile sunt o parte importantă a diferențelor.

Ca și un minus,--nu sunt prezentate și cazuri care nu au putut fi rezolvate sau cazurile când părinții au dat greș și cum au făcut să abordeze altfel problema. Sunt sigură că există și astfel de cazuri pentru că ce funcționează la mine poate nu funcționează la tine și invers.

Una peste alta, e o carte bună, din care poți învață multe lucruri însă informațiile sunt numeroase iar pentru a-ți însuși cunoștințele care te pot ajuta trebuie să te înarmezi cu un caiet și un pix pentru a lua notițe și să citești de mai multe ori cartea.
Recomand.

[Alireza · Rating 4 out of 5]

کتاب ایده‌ی خوبی رو مطرح میکنه، «تربیت بدون فریاد» و اتفاقا نویسنده توضیح میده منظورش فقط شامل فریاد زدن نمیشه و تمام لحظاتی را شامل میشه که پدر و مادر دارن کم میارن و یواش یواش میرن توی فازی که بداخلاقی کنن، داد بزنن، تحقیر کنن، زخم‌زبان بزنن و حتی بخوان با بچه‌هاشون وارد کل‌کل و جنگ بشن.
نظر نویسنده این هستش که اگر والد بتونه تسلط و کنترل خوبی روی خودش داشته باشه، برای خودش، سلامت جسمی و روانیش ارزش قائل باشه و بهشون رسیدگی کنه، خودبه‌خود بخش بسیار زیادی از چالش با فرزندان رفع میشه. در اصل طبق این کتاب در ابتدا باید مشکل را در خودمون حل کنیم. فصول اولیه کتاب به توضیح نظریه نویسنده و ذکر مثال‌های مرتبط میشه و در فصل‌های بعدی چالش‌های مختلفی در ارتباط والد و فرزند مطرح میشه که نویسنده راه‌حل‌هایی براشون میده. توی یکی از فصل‌های کتاب نویسنده میگه میزان تنبیه (محروم شدن از یه سری امکانات یا چند دقیقه خلوت در اتاق) باید متناسب با کاری که صورت گرفته باشه و از نظر خودتون نباید طاقت‌فرسا باشه ولی اگر تصمیم دارید تنبیهی رو اعمال کنید باید پای حرفتون بایستید چون به محض اینکه کوتاه بیاید دیگه بچه روی حرف شما حساب نمیکنه. پس تنبیهی رو در نظر بگیرید که خودتون وسطش پشیمون نشید.
اکثر پدر و مادرها هیچوقت قبول نمی‌کنن ریشه خیلی از مشکلات و نافرمانی‌ها و چالش‌های بچه‌هاشون خودشون هستند و فقط از زمین و زمان گله می‌کنند ولی خب اگر بادقت و علمی رابطه اونا با فرزاندانشون بررسی بشه متاسفانه بخش زیادی از مشکلات به خودشون برمی‌گرده و جالبه راه‌حل خیلی از اون مشکلات هم درون خودشون هستش. یعنی با یخورده تامل در زندگی و رفتار خود، کمک گرفتن از روانشناس و حل مشکلات شخصی، به صورت اتوماتیک بخش زیادی از مشکلات با فرزند حل میشه و رابطه‌ی خوبی شکل خواهد گرفت. حداقلش اینه که در برابر چالش‌های پیش‌رو با آرامش و تفکر جلوی شکل گرفتن یه سری فاجعه رو میشه گرفت

[Brendan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m generally a calm guy. I don’t usually rant and rave or scream. But I also have a three-year old at home, a little person who has perfected the art of pushing my buttons and who can, with a few well timed and well-aimed misbehaviors, send me into froths of anxiety, sometimes leading me to raise my voice. I don’t like being that person.

Runkel’s book actually doesn’t have different insight than other books I’ve read. It’s a new phraseology on the same old arguments, ideas about how to interact with kids, on setting boundaries, on being who you need to be to be a good parent. Whew, that’s an awkward sentence.

He uses the term scream to refer to a whole raft of behaviors parents use when they lose their cool, from literally screaming to shouting to giving up (Oh, just do what you want) to begging or pleading. All these are, for Runkel, screams that do a disservice to you and your child. Or me and mine, as I read the book.

So here’s what I get from ScreamFree Parenting:

1. Give your kids space and try to lose your anxiety about it. If they have their own space, they will develop to be their own people. This includes letting children face the consequences of their choices and make decisions for themselves in many things.
2. You can’t control their reactions, only yours. If you’re consistent and calm for yourself, principled in your actions, you will serve your children well. This includes setting clear and consistent boundaries and enforcing them from a position of careful decision-making, not passion or anger.
3. You must take care of yourself to take care of your children. He uses the oxygen mask on the plane as an example — put on your own before you put on theirs. Similarly, Runkel urges parents to find fulfillment for themselves and in themselves, not in their children. By being our own people and loving our children for being theirs, you provide them both a model for how to behave, and you release them the burden of having to be your support.

As I said, these aren’t amazing insights, but a new way of phrasing them that I particularly like. In the final chapter, Runkel urges that parents act from a position of principle, setting boundaries and punishments because they need to be set, rather than out of desperation. It’s a cool system and one that I’ve already found some benefit from working into my daily interactions with my kids.

[Kaydence · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even though my oldest is almost 4 he is showing some early signs of his strong will. And I wanted to figure out how to nurture that will instead of killing it and making it succumb to MY will. He is so smart and persistent and I never want him to lose those qualities. This book helped me see how I could help HIM to be who he needs to be without putting all my eggs in his basket. It helped me see how damaging it can be to a child to NEED them to listen and obey your every word or you will lose it. They can not be responsible for your reactions. It helped me realize that I am here to nudge and offer wisdom and empathy. Not demand blind obedience. I'm glad I got this book now, when this problem is just beginning, rather than later, when I'd have to change everything.

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

just like every parent, I like to read up on what other parents say about being a relaxed, calm parent and how to raise a good kid. So far, Hal doesn't have much to say. He quotes a lot of parenting movies (yes, we've all seen them). He throws in God and The Creator a lot (yes, he's religious, what does that have to do with good parenting or anything related to scream-free parenting?)
He's supposed to be a family therapist and he's got two toddlers of his own. All I've picked up is that you need to give your kids their own space and respect if you want them to respect you. If they want a messy room, then let them reap the consequences. Let you kids do their OWN homework and let them learn about financial responsibility by giving them their own money and learn how to save to purchase their own things. DUH. This may be news and innovative to some over-controlling and dominating parents, but not to me, I guess. Not sure if I will even finish the book.

[Yasemin Salihoglu Karagul · Rating 5 out of 5]

Elimde kalem sanki ders çalışır gibi okuduğum bir kitap oldu: üzerine notlar aldım, bir çok yerin altını çizdim, kendime sorular sordum. Ne yapacağınızı soyluyor ama nasıl yapacağınıza karışmıyor. hani oyle "efsane çözümler" onermiyor. sadece sizin kendinizin, ailenizin dinamiklerinin farkına varmanızı ve kendi yolunuzu çizmeniz konusunda sizi yureklendiriyor. daha once okudugum ebeveyn kitaplarindan cok cok farkli.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not all parenting books are created equal - and not all books will apply to every family. That being said, this book is EXACTLY what I personally needed to hear. The title is misleading, it really isn't just telling you to "stop yelling at your kids." The philosophy is much more. It taught me a totally different view of parenting so that I won't get mad in the first place. Then if I do get mad, it helps me to reconsider what is really going on. Some of my favorite tag lines are:
* You are responsible TO your children not FOR your children.
* Parenting is more about parents than it is about children.
* When we scream at our kids or react, what we're really screaming is “calm me down.”
* Usually our reactivity causes the very outcomes we most fear.
* No one, not even your kids, can MAKE you do anything feel anything or say anything. They are simply not that powerful.
* If you're not under control then you cannot be in charge. You can only hold one remote at a time, if you are trying to control someone else, you have given up control over yourself
* My children don't really belong to me, they belong to themselves
* What you say (and think) ABOUT your kids is more powerful than what you say TO your kids
* No one is "never" or "always" anything.
* Stop nagging your kids to do things, allow them to fail in controlled ways.
After a few months of trying these principles, I now want to read this book for the 3rd time to remember more of it and try more. But I already see a difference.

[Motahare Ghaderi · Rating 4 out of 5]

شاید عنوان کتاب این احساس رو به آدم بده که این کتاب مناسب پدر مادرهاییه که از کوره در می رن(هر پدر مادری حداقل یه بار این اتفاق براش میفته) و دنبال روش هایی برای کنترل خشم هستن و این کتاب میخواد بهشون این آموزش رو بده یا اینکه به پدر مادرها بیاموزه چطور بچه هاشون رو تربیت کنن که نیازی به فریاد زدن نباشه

من وقتی سراغ این کتاب رفتم مستاصل بودم. از نخوابیدن های بچه 9 ماهه ام و فشار جسمی و روانی که متحمل می شدم و پر از احساس خشم و درک نشدن بودم
و توی این روند 4 ماهه که خوندن این کتاب طول کشید من واقعا رشد کردم. و حرفی که نویسنده دنبالش بود رو فهمیدم. والد هوشمندتری شدم. کمتر تو دامهای احساسی می افتم. خونسرد تر شدم. مهربان تر شدم. با خودم مهربان تر شدم. آموتم که باید به خاطر بچه م خدم رو دوست داشته باشم. عذاب وجدان نداشته باشم.
آموختم که در لحظه های شروع بازی های کچ خلقی و لج بازی بچه دست کش مبارزه رو برندارم. مسلط باشم و جالب ایجاست که کتاب هیچ راهکار عملی مستقیمی برای هیچ کدام از این اتفاق ها نداشت. فقط تاکیدش بر نگاه کردن به افت و خیز های فرزندپروری و چالش ها به عرصه ای برای رشد بود و اینکه برای خودمون وقت بذاریم تا روان آرامتری برای والد بودن داشته باشیم. به بچه هامون حریم بدیم و نخوایم بار همه ی کرهای اونها رو به دوش بکشیم.
خوندنش قطعا تجربه ی خوبی خواهد بود

[Trish · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book and picked up several tips. The biggest tip was that we need to calm ourselves down in order to be a calm person for our children. It made me take a look at my parenting style and is helping me stay focused and in control when my 2 year old drives me nuts. Of course, parenting is difficult. Kids help us to grow up! That's his main two messages.

[Serdar Topcuoglu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hayatımı değiştiren kitaplardan oldu. Sadece Anne ve babalar için değil herkesin okuması gereken bir kitap.

[Ionela Matei · Rating 4 out of 5]

I chose this book after a scary episode with my daughter. The intent was to find ways of calming the scary 'monster' that comes out when I get angry.
I can say that it worked, at least now, while reading it. I can also say that there were many examples, questions and advices that stayed with me even days after reading them.

[Deniz Gorencan · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 yıl sonra ikinci yavrunun arkasından ikinci kere okumaya ihtiyaç duyduğum kitap. Kısacık ama çok aydınlatıcı ve ilham verici.

[Hilal Yavuz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kitabın isminden hoşlanmadığımı söyleyerek başlayabilirim. Ama tüm kitap sahiden bağırmamak üzerine kurulu. Ve bunun nasıl yapılacağıyla.
Su gibi akıyor kitap. Çeviren Ebrar Güldemler harika bir iş başarmış.
Yazarın argümanı ise bence oldukça makul. Anne baba olarak çocuklarımızdan sorumlu değiliz, çocuklarımıza karşı sorumluyuz diyor. Kendine dön ve kendi sorumluluklarına bak. Onları sonuçlarla yüzleşme konusunda serbest bırak. Söylemesi kolay ama uygulaması zor :)
Anne baba olup yardım için arayışa girilince, üzerimize fikirler yağıyor hatta füze atılıyor sanki. Bu kitap beni suçluluk duygusu ile doldurmadı en azından. Bir yığın öneri içine sokmadı. Rahat okudum. Ben sevdim.

[Ganesh Maharaj · Rating 4 out of 5]

my first parenting book and solid suggestions on how to handle yourself around your kids and how to be a role model and let them learn. going to start trying the suggestions with my little one and see how well I fair. hopefully it works.

[Amber Gardiner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in complete desperation. I had never screamed as hard as I did yesterday and I took a big look at myself and decided it just had to change. I have good kids, they don't need to have someone (namely me) screaming at them ALL THE TIME. This has been the summer of the yell.

As for the book, I was at first quite cautious. It started in on the whole idea of fixing yourself, worrying about yourself, making yourself better, which initially got my shackles up because I'm so tired of the Oprah state of mind that's make yourself happy first at the cost of everyone else. This book states that by making yourself happy and calm, in result, you will better not only your own life, but the lives of your children. I was skeptical at first, but after reading the entire book I now truly believe the principles outlined.

I also really enjoyed the part about growing. By being calm instead of reactionary, you get the opportunity to grow with your child and become a better parent as they become a better child in return. I've tried it out a couple times this morning and it truly works. It's not going to be easy, in fact, it's going to be extremely hard, but I can only try to be better!

[Jaymie · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 1/2 stars! Not because the book wasn't good but because I didn't quite understand all of what he was saying. I don't usually read self help books so this was different for me. I have been the parent that asks nice over and over and gets ignored until I have yelled to be heard. I hate that parent....everyone does. I liked that he tells you to focus on yourself and what you can control rather than what you can't (the kids). I also wanted him to tell me what to DO more specifically in each situation. But I realize he can't do that either ha ha
Overall I liked the book and his message to be responsible TO your kids NOT FOR your kids. Our kids are going to suffer and make stupid choices..I know this...I hate watching it. I'm always wishing they could learn from my wisdom but that isn't the plan.

[Bizzy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was a bit wary of reading this book based off the title, but after many recs and it sitting on my shelf for a long time I finally picked it up and I’m glad I did! The meat of the book focuses on how to not be emotionally reactive, however that looks in your parenting, and it turned out to be very informative and helpful!

[Zohreh Avatefi hafez · Rating 5 out of 5]

The name is really fantastic and i found this book useful and very good to parenting that i think is about parents not children.
كتابي بسيار جالب و مفيد براي پدر و مادر بودن
نكاتي كه زير سايه فرزند سالاري به شدت در حال بي توجهي جامعه ماست

[Duygu · Rating 5 out of 5]

İyileştiren ve iyi gelen bir kitap. Çocukla bi yerden alakası olan herkes okumalı.

[Falisha Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really helped me with issues I have been struggling with. There are so many amazing things that hit me right on the spot. I can't wait to apply it to my life. This book is not about screaming at your children. It is about how to have stronger relationships without reacting in anger, checking out, or escaping. I would recommend it to anyone! I am not saying I scream at my children all the time or even a lot, BUT I have a nice list of things that I do can now to help me a better Mother, and better at other relationships.

[Vannessa Gunnell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I hate the title of this book but besides that it was awesome!

[Michelle Cubbedge · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another great parenting book that invites you to be mindful of your reactions and how you set the tone in your family. Make the effort to stop reactive parenting and instead be calm and connected.

“The greatest thing you can do as a parent is focus on yourself.”

“Your emotional responses are up to you.”

[Melinda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Audiobook. Nothing is greater or more empowering than to know that YOU are in charge of your own emotions, behavior, feelings and control. Gratefully, I've been taught this all my life. But it is a reminder worth taking and this quick, relatable book was the ticket.

[Jackie · Rating 5 out of 5]

100 stars. Loved this book and will plan to re-read it many more times.

[Pozan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bağırmayan Anne Baba Olmak |4/5|

Çocukken en büyük dileklerimden biriydi ebeveynlerimin bana bağırmaması. Bir noktadan sonra bu dilek yalnızca kendimi kapsamayı bırakıp arkadaşlarımı da kapsar bir hale gelmişti çünkü neredeyse tüm arkadaşlarımın ebeveyni, ortalama bir bar müzisyeninden daha çok sesini yükseltiyordu bir hafta içerisinde. Neden? Çünkü bize çoğu zaman çocukları “Dizginlemek” için bağırmak gerektiği aşılanmış durumda, bağırmanın yetmediği noktalarda da dövmek, ceza vermek ve de istismar etmeye kadar giden bir kataloğumuz var bu konuda.

Bağırmayan Anne Baba Olmak önemli bir konuya değiniyor. Kitabın ismini okuduğunuzda, kitap içerisinde çocuğu hizaya getirmek ve de dolayısıyla bağırmayan bir ebeveyn olmak yolu anlatılıyor gibi görünebilir ama aslında kendinizi, ebeveynleri dizginlemek konusunu anlatıyor kitap.

Kitabın anlatısı bizim duyduklarımız ve öğrendiklerimize ters olabilir, yazarın da dediği gibi. Ancak bu nedenle hemen yazarı düşman bellememek lazım. Altını çizdiği ve benim de görünce gülümsediğim bazı değindiği noktalar var. Bir çocuğa bağırdığınızda bazı şeyleri çocuğa farkında olmadan anlatıyor oluyorsunuz. Bunlardan birincisi, çocuğa, sizin duygularınız üzerinde kontrol sahibi olduğunu kanıtlıyorsunuz ikincisi de, sessiz bir yardım çağrısı gönderiyorsunuz “Beni sakinleştir,” diye.

Bu arada şunu da belirtmem gerekli ki, ebeveynlerin yüzde yüz derecesinde kusursuz olmasını beklemek bence de ütopik. Bir yandan dünya ile boğuşurken çocuk bakmak, aynı anda iki dünya üzerinde yaşamak gibi bir şey bu aslında ve oldukça zor. Bu yüzden de çocuğa bağırmak buradaki asıl nokta değil, asıl nokta çocuğa ne kadar sık aralıklarla bağırıldığı ve ceza verildiği. Bir gün gelmiştir ve onca farklı üstünüze gelen unsurun arasında çocukla aranızda çıkan bir krizden dolayı ansızın bağırmışsınızdır, gibi olağanüstü durum senaryoları ebeveynlik hayatında tabi ki görülebilecek şeyler. Bir kere bağırınca, bağırmayan ebeveyn statüsünden def olmuyorsunuz.

Ama… böyle durumları kendinize bir fırsat olarak görüp ve bu fırsatı değerlendirip çocukla ilgilenince, dünyayı bir süreliğine daha iyi hale getiriyorsunuz.

Kendinizle ilgilenme metoduna gelince, günlük hayatta aslında ufak senaryolar dahilinde karşınıza sıkça karşı çıkan bir durumu önünüze koyuyor kitap. Kendinize yardım etmeden başkasına yardım edemezsiniz. Kitap da aslında, kendinize bir ebeveyn olarak yardım etmeniz konusunda bir anlatı sunuyor.

Ben kitabı beğendim ve ebeveynlik hakkında kitap okumak isteyenlere tavsiye edebileceğim bir kitap. Bir ebeveyn değilim ve çocuğum yok o yüzden “Denendi onaylandı,” gibisinden bir kaşem yok ama bir çocuk olarak, ailem bu kitabı okusaydı ve yazılanları dikkate alsaydı başka bir çocukluk geçirmiş olabilirdim diye düşünüyorum.

Tabi ki tüm kitap sakin kalmaktan bahsetmiyor. Çocukla iletişim hakkında aslında birçok ebeveynin düşünmediği kısımları da gösteriyor kitap. Yüzeysel olarak burada anlatmam gerekirse, benim de sebep açtığı problemleri gözlemlediğim ‘etiket’ sorunu. Çocuk hakkında söylenenlerin, çocuğa karşı söylenenlerden daha önemli ve etkili olduğunu söylüyor kitap.

Daha önemli mi bilemem ama öneminin göz ardı edildiğini biliyorum. Mesela; çocuk hakkında “Bizim çocuk da çok çalışkan,” diye başkalarına anlatmak onu farkında olmadan dipsiz bir rekabet kuyusuna atmak demek. Üstüne yapışan ‘Çalışkan’ etiketi onu sürekli çalışmaya zorlayacak ve bu da bir noktadan sonra onu yıpratacak. Bu etiket sorunu sadece çocuklar da değil genel insanlar arası etkileşimde bir problem tabi ama o da başka bir kitabın konusu.

Çocukların aileye bir çocuk olarak değil geleceğe bir birey olarak yetişeceği güzel günler dileğiyle. Kendinize iyi bakın.
"Çocuklar dünyaya, biz ebeveynlerini değerli, sevilen, saygı duyulan ve takdir edilen insanlar olarak hissettirmek göreviyle gelmedi. Buraya kendileri olmak ve kendi kendine yeten yetişkinler olmak için geldiler."

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

The central tenant of this book: if you scream at your kids (or anyone, for that matter), then you’re out of control and have lowered yourself to a child’s level, and are competing with the child for who’s demands will be met. The author’s solution is that parents should focus more on themselves, managing their own emotions and avoiding knee-jerk reactionary responses. In this way, your children will learn to become more self-directed and better learn to control themselves, rather than relying on you to manage their behaviors (and letting them manipulate yours). In the same way that the airlines tell you to put on your oxygen mask first, before assisting your kid, you have to see to yourself before you can be an effective influence to your children. One of the most insightful concepts described in the book was the “four degrees of love” articulated by Bernard of Clairvaux. While Bernard related it to God, it applies to all forms of human love: (1st) love of self that is total self indulgence, (2nd) love as a manipulative tool, as in “do undo others so they will do unto me”, (3rd) martyrdom love, which is love based on 100% self-sacrifice, and (4th) balanced self-love, which is loving yourself enough that you want become the best you can be--a healthy, whole person, who is not a burden to anyone, but instead a truly valuable gift to the person you love. The 4th degree is the highest form of love because it is not self indulgent, manipulative, burdensome, demanding, presumptuous, or stifling. It is scream-free, freely given and self sustaining. And I would venture to say it is rare in our world and rarely understood.

[Shevonne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished the "Screamfree Parenting," and I want to recommend it to all parents. It kind of reminded me of a "Solo Partner" for parents where it teaches you to not focus so much on your children and instead on yourself and your actions. I picked this up when I found myself resorting back to yelling if the kids were listening or were just being plain rotten. I had kicked the habit of doing that, and I didn't want to pick it up again. Checking out my Amazon recommendations, I decided to buy this book via Audible.

The author had a great speaking voice that made me focus on what he was saying. He discusses consistency, labels, and non-reaction when dealing with children. For the past week, since I started reading the book, I have been doing this with my children and it has worked wonders. They are listening now, I am more consistent, and the level of noise in the house has quickly diminished.

One thing that I liked is that he didn't pretend that one method of disciplining is better than the other. For instance, many parents are divided on the subject of spanking. The author just said that if are not going to follow through with the spankings, then don't do it and ask yourself why you believe you have to. If you can spank, then do it.

I can't be much help on his writing style or book format because I did this via Audible, but from his reading, I can tell that it was well written.

Definitely a must-have in a parents' collection of parenting books. If you are unable to read the print version, I recommend the Ebook.

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

In spite of myself. And in spite of my initial impressions when I began the book. I really learned from this. Ok, so a lot of it I already knew. But the way this was presented helped me to think of things in a new way that was somehow empowering to me. I am learning! And it appears that every one in the household has some growing up to do.

Some main points
1. No screaming. But there are more ways to scream than just screaming.
2. Be calm, cool, and connected. This is hard. If I'm not going to yell, my instinct is to turn myself off completely so I don't get angry. But that's just as hurtful to my relationships with my kids as yelling is. Connect, even when it's hard.
3. Don't parent based on my fears. Parent based on the principles I believe in that my kids need to learn.
4. I'm not responsible FOR my kids. I'm responsible TO my kids for certain things.
5. Taking care of myself is one really excellent way to take care of my family.
6. Be the grown-up.

I, too, dislike the word Revolutionary in the subtitle. But the author addresses that in the book!

[Hilary · Rating 1 out of 5]

I picked this book up at the library because the title describes exactly how I need to do better as a parent! However, I read the first two chapters and was thoroughly disappointed. First, it seemed much more geared to parenting older children and how to deal with their decisions and behavior that you cannot control. So maybe if I had older children I would have liked it more. However, since I have a toddler at home, it wasn't as applicable. I also did not like how the author's whole approach seemed to be focused on you as the parent. Of course that is important because you need to keep your cool in tense situations. But as a parent of a toddler, I needed more direction on how to control temper tantrums without the inevitable fight. There was absolutely nothing in this book about how to improve your child's behavior...simply suggestions for how to react to it. For my personal situation, this book was not helpful at all.