The Retired Assassin's Guide to Country Gardening: Retired Assassin's Guide, Book 1

Retired Assassin's Guide #1

by Naomi Kuttner, Thomas Barker (Narrator)

Dante has come to the small coastal town of Te Kohe, New Zealand, for a fresh start in life.

But he doesn't want to open a B&B, or save a charming bookshop, or start a romance with a single mother in need of rescuing.

He just wants to forget about his past career (which involved a lot of dead bodies) and have everyone leave him the heck alone. Unfortunately for Dante, life has other plans...

Genres: Mystery, Fiction, Cozy, Cozy Mystery, Audiobook, Paranormal, Fantasy

Audible Audio

First published January 25, 2025

About the author

Naomi Kuttner writes urban fantasy and cozy mysteries.

Living in New Zealand, Naomi spends her free time (ha!) raising her twin son and daughter, writing, taking the dog to the beach, and getting out on the water whenever possible.

Reviews

[Mike Hrycyk · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I saw a review for this book, before I read anything but the title I knew I was acquiring the book and reading it forthwith. And I did, I downloaded and finished it within 24 hours. I absolutely loved it.

Kuttner could have gone fully into Assassin mode, Jason Bourne with a gardening apron and people would have likely accepted that but it wouldn't have been a cozy mystery anymore. Instead she writes a nuanced, charming, fish-out-of-water story about an Assassin that is in recovery from being a killer. Add to that ghosts, and they aren’t the ghosts of the assassin’s victims, and done in an interesting way.

The mystery was well put together. You won’t guess the final outcome from the start. It builds nicely throughout, adding clues and having the reader be along for the ride.

It’s a good mystery, well written, well paced. An enjoyable read.

[Phrynne · Rating 5 out of 5]

How can you not read a book with a title like that! Plus it is set in New Zealand. I had very high hopes for it and it did indeed fulfil them.

The retired Assassin of the title is Dante who has come to live in Te Kohe to start a new life. He religiously attends his AA(Assassin's Anonymous) meetings as he learns how to not kill people. Charlie is his part time gardener, a young man who speaks to the dead. The third person in the sleuthing trio is Eleanor who has a secret but shady past which we discover in hints here and there throughout the story. She is the brains of the group, Dante is the brawn and Charlies appears to be their secret weapon.

A clever, funny and enormously readable book. I enjoyed every minute of it and have the next book ready to read very soon.

[Lois Bujold · Rating 4 out of 5]

3-1/2 stars rounded up, because why not. I wandered into this from one of those Kindle "you also might like" lists, attracted by the title and cover enough to download the sample, then amused enough by the sample to buy at its very low price.

Much as one might expect from the pitch; murder mystery in a small town peopled with quirky characters, with some light paranormal larded in -- one character sees actual ghosts. And set in coastal New Zealand, so some travelogue for a bonus. It also met my current reading requirement for low-key humor -- the Assassins Anonymous meetings made me grin. As ever with this genre, I read for the characters, not the twisty, sometimes contorted, plots.

Not sure I'd read it again very soon, but I would have gone on to the next if it were out yet, because I want to know what happens next to our retired and not terribly socially adept ex-MI6 wetware specialist Dante. Which is the opposite of Dorothy Heydt's classic aphorism, the Eight Deadly Words: "I don't care what happens to these characters." I did care, in a mild sort of way. Have pre-ordered instead.

Ta, L.

[No Apology Book Reviews · Rating 3 out of 5]

In the end I enjoyed the book, but it was rather a chore to read. Seemed to go on and on and on. I was reading it for a purpose or I'd have DNFed.

The characters were quirky and interesting, but I hate a narrative with multiple POVs, and the focus wasn't on the assassin, as promised, or even the gardener; I'd argue Eleanor was the true main character, which is unfortunate because I found her pretty annoying. She didn't act her age, she was pushy, manipulative, arrogant, and narcissistic (very like the villain, actually), and her general purpose was ex machina: she inexplicably knew facts about people and circumstances and of course had helpful contacts from her own shady past. The story couldn't have happened without her, she propelled it, yet we know absolutely nothing about her except that she's 60 years old and a former art thief? Or forger? It was vague. I couldn't even appreciate her fledgling romance with the inspector; they were both such unlikable people that the idea of a romance between them was cringy.

Dante and his adjustment to civilian life (resisting the urge to kill people, lol) was entertaining, and I appreciated his dry humor, but I don't understand why he was written as if he was an emotionless/lifeless robot programmed only to kill and magically became a sentient human once he retired. He was a government agent, not an automaton. There's no reason he couldn't have had experiences in relationships and animals and plants and food, for god's sake. He might not have had much chance to explore those things, but it was an odd choice to act like life itself was a completely foreign concept to him. Like he was born 39 years old.

I also didn't care for the little chapter epigraphs that hinted at/summarized what the chapter was about. Quit teasing and get on with it.

I wanted more ghosts. We don't really see much of them until the last third/quarter.

And some romance would have been nice. One that didn't make me cringe.

So the book was good but far from great. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say it was an intriguing concept with questionable execution. That said, I did appreciate its efforts to be quirky and different.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not much about gardening...

I'm not sure what would be a better title for this book, but the story definitely was not what I was expecting. Echoes of Grosse Pointe Blank were there, but otherwise this is more of a small town sleuth story told from the perspective of 3 unlikely friends. Terrific characters, small town New Zealand life and a mystery that kept me guessing. Really worthwhile read.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was like a cup of tea on a rainy afternoon. Entertaining, nicely plotted, and no emotional angst: it was relaxing and enjoyable.

[Emily LaMotte · Rating 5 out of 5]

I quite enjoyed this. The story flows well, and following Dante's adjustment to living in "normal" society after returing is quite amusing. Eleanor is an endearing take charge charater, and I appreciate her sneakiness. This is a sweet murder mystery set in New Zealand, and has vivid descriptions of the local flora.

[Achim · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5
An MI6 assassin starting his early, early retirement, a take-charge society lady with a shady past and a timid gardener who can see dead people meet at a small city somewhere in NZ. Was there ever a more eclectic group of sleuth? This story lives and breathes its quirky characters which doesn't mean the case is taking the backseat. Naomi Kuttner knows how to follow the structure the Queen on crime decreed for cozy mysteries, up until the final grand meeting to uncover the murderer and how and why he did it. Unfortunately she also follows Christie on her weak moments when she preferred the grand gesture and the incredible deduction skill and doesn't care so much for real evidence i.e. the case can only be closed with a confession and here that's a bit more forced than I appreciate. Nevertheless the case itself is nicely constructed and while it's quite clear who did it or at least ordered it, the how and to a degree the why was challenging to my inner sleuth.

Sometimes though the author seemed unsure if she really likes to follow the cozy vibe or make more of the possibilities a former agent is bringing into the mix or leave the added ghost whisperer path into something more spiritual. At first I liked that she included the ghosts more like a quirky addition with the potential of support but suddenly it became more and for some parts of the case, especially for the additional case, our trio became dependent.

So while the mystery was nice with unnecessary, confusing escapades the real highlight were the characters and their clash with the small town vibe. Who would have believed it would be such fun to follow a former, socially inapt assassin who's probably some steps into the autism spectrum and how he warms up to a cat while attending an online AA meeting which in his case means assassin anonymous.

Oh, and maybe as a last word: the title creates the right image but is nevertheless misleading. There is gardening at the beginning and a bit at the end but it's far from being a guide or even in the front row.

[Lorena · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5⭐️ and that’s for the chuckles- of which there were a few however they were all based on the theme of the assassin attempting to fit in to life as a normal person (one dimensional). This was so poorly misrepresented by high reviews - the writing was awful. I finished it as it was my pick for our book club (sorry friends!) and I bought the book (full price!). It is a very uncomfortable book to hold (for whatever that is worth) with heavy paper and large pages. Very disappointed as the title sounded so enticing. It came together in the end but overall it was time wasted and a regrettable read:(. Maybe only 2⭐️.

[Janet · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ughhh. Couldn’t finish it. Generic. Ridiculous dumb assassin. Couldn’t care about any of the plot. On the plus side, there was an over-60 female lead character that was capable.

[Iona Rivers · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall: ⭐⭐⭐
Plot: ⭐⭐⭐️
Characters: ⭐⭐⭐️
World Building: ⭐⭐⭐
Spice: 🚫
Ending: ⭐⭐⭐⭐️

This is a perfectly cozy mystery. Retired assassin Dante has settled in a small New Zealand town.
When the local harpy is murdered during a town gala very one is stumped.
The local business man Ted, is the shadiest of shady.
Throw in Charlie the gardener and Elinor the helpful socialite to get the full cast of suspects and the quest to solve the murder is on.

For some reason up until about the 50% mark this book was a chore for me to get through. It crawled by. Thankfully the 2nd half was much easier to settle into the story and enjoy. Which I definitely did. The characters are easy to love or hate. There are a few words I wasn’t really familiar with and had to use my kindle dictionary. In doing this I learned that some aren’t listed, so context clues it is. I assume this means they are geographical colloquialisms.

I received an advanced review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Ann Brookens · Rating 5 out of 5]

A weird and wonderful book!

I thoroughly enjoyed The Retired Assassin's Guide! The title certainly caught my attention, and the book read beautifully. We got the POV of three main characters, learning enough personality and backstory to engage my empathy. I am about to buy the second book and continue their exploits!

[Kristy Carter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it! Can’t wait to meet up with these characters again in the next book!

[Marie Reed · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is just as ridiculous and fun as you'd expect from the title. Dante has recently retired to New Zealand and has absolutely no idea how to act in society. He's forced to interact with his new gardener and the lady across the street, both of whom have their own secrets. And then a woman's untimely death brings them all closer together as they try to solve the mystery before one of them is arrested for murder.

I spent the whole book trying to figure out what genre to call this. It's like if Frank from Red actually interacted with his neighbors, and one of them could speak to ghosts. The paranormal aspect sounds out of place, but it somehow fits. And Dante is so unknowingly hilarious, with his blunt demeanor and inability to smile without looking intimidating.

I am interested to see more residents of this town as the series progresses, and if Dante ever names his cat.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Retired Assassin's Guide to Country Gardening was so unexpectedly EVERYTHING.

A retired assassin who is in Assassin Anonymous attempting to learn to live in the regular world where problems are NOT solved by a bullet or garrote, a retired Grifter just trying to live out the rest of her days on the straight and narrow, and a gardener that talks to ghosts trying to find justice as he's being targeted by a local baddie. It brought the intrigue, the laughs - this book made me laugh out loud and startle my dogs-all wrapped in a 'can't put down' package with STELLAR narration. I can't wait to read the next one.

[Robb · Rating 2 out of 5]

I finished this, but under protest. I gave it a pass the first couple times something outlandish happened, but they just keep coming.

So, a confession: somehow I missed “paranormal” in the title (sub-title?). That really should have been a clue. I was looking for cozy mysteries and this came up. The title was charming. (Intentionally, as this was clearly written for the cozy mystery crowd). The premise was interesting, for the most part. A retired assassin, embroiled in a mystery in a quaint New Zealand village? Sign me up.

Unfortunately, that’s where the fun ended. The bullet points of awfulness:

- The characters are cardboard cliches. Their actions and dialog are wooden. The main character (who ends up not being the main character?), clearly in the spectrum) just comes off as lifeless. The neighbor that happens to be a retired con artist (?!?!) is supposed to come across as charming and demure but just feels stilted and out-dated. The antagonist is not only telegraphed early on as such, but is just cartoonishly villainish.

- The “murder” is pretty trope-y, which is fine, but the reveal is just blatantly dumb. Having a cartoonishly Roadrunner-esque part of the crime left in a trash can (or was it in a shelf) for all to find was frankly unbelievable, but so was the bullet hole covered with frosting that the cops ignore, as with so much more, just broke the immersion. (I may be misremembering specific details, but that’s because the entire book was riddled with this lunacy).

- Speaking of farcical murders, let’s throw in the chest. That entire “bit” was so over-the-top presposterously unbelievable I just won’t go into the details. Well, maybe just the lowlights. Found at the first spot they try. Assassin can free dive for minutes and finds it the first dive. The cops are re-routed by a Lassie-esque diversion. (Grandfather and grandkids lost at sea!!?). Antagonist heists a decades-old piece of evidence with no warning, only minutes afterwards, in a caper befitting Ocean’s Thirteen Circus Act in a sea-worthy clown car. My god, was that entire thing fever-dreamishly stupid.

- Ghosts? Sure, why not. A sidekick that can talk to them? Add it to the pile. The ghosts help to solve the “crime” and guide the good guys like some sort of kids show MI5 mission? Gotta end that chapter somehow, amirite?

- Miscellania: the biker gang - yet another throwaway, zany site gag of a sitcom scenario that goes nowhere and never makes another appearance. The corpse-flower raised by an old woman? Not even close to the least believable thing in the book, but still noteworthy. An underestimated giant oaf henchman that’s Slavic? Box checked. Staid, respected rural cop and city-smart detective from away? Look at that scoreboard!

It doesn’t help that the writing was pretty abysmal. But then again, it doesn’t exactly hurt, to be honest. I came so close to setting this book down and walking away, but kept picking it back up, as I thought it might get better. And I guess it kinda did, as it ended on the last page. Plus, it got me to buy an ice cream maker, as the idea of making “Hokey Pokey” was just too strong to ignore.

[Sarah's Reading Nook · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unlikely characters and a fun premise!

At first, I wasn't sure if I was going to enjoy this book as it employs multiple POV, but in the 3rd person. I ended up really enjoying it while getting to know the unlikely cast of characters. There's a little bit of something for every reader with the mystery, ghosts, botanical gardens, and more. I'm excited to read the next in the series.

[Rosana Adler · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tres estrellas. De 0 a 10: 6.

Novela simpática, entretenida e ingeniosa.

El trío protagonista son personajes encantadores, con sus cosas...

Aunque desde el principio se sabe el quien, no pierde interés: la novela se centra en intentar probar lo sucedido y que el culpable pague por lo que ha hecho.

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

This mystery had it all – an interesting setting (small town in New Zealand), fascinating characters (retired assassin, greedy developer, curious busybodies, ghosts…), humor, and a well-developed mystery. I enjoyed the time I spent with Dante, Charlie, and Eleanor, and look forward to more adventures with them.

[Larissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was hard for me to get into. I just didn’t care much about the characters. If I hadn’t listened to the audiobook and tried to read it instead I would have never finished it.

[Dara Karcher · Rating 1 out of 5]

I’m not usually a review writer and I hate to say this, but I’m going to say it in hopes this review saves your time at the very least, don’t read this book. It’s quite pointless and boring. Yes it’s a murder mystery so there’s some intrigue there overall, but thats it and let me tell you the crime is also boring so it stops before it starts really. There are quite a few mistakes in this book as well such as grammar mistakes and publishing mistakes that just made it very low quality along with the fact that the writing was very simple. The format of the book was very off putting, very unprofessional in my opinion and the cover art was definitely AI. I hate to assume this, but it also felt like most of this book was just written by AI and I know there is an author‘s name on the front cover page, but that doesn’t change the fact that it just felt like that while reading it. No one wants to feel like they are reading something written by AI. The characters were just pretty blah as well, the main character was blah and that is overall boring. It was just boring, not worth the time and energy it took to read this book. If you want a good murder mystery I suggest reading Agatha Christie or the Thursday murder club by Richard Osman any of those books. A lot of classic mysteries are a lot better and actually worth the time it takes to read them unlike a lot of murder mysteries written these days especially this one.

[Christoffer Dahl · Rating 3 out of 5]

It wasn’t a book for me. The title hooked me, and along with the cover art and the description, it gave me clear vibes of something like Thursday Murder Club. It just didn’t deliver like that.

I never really started caring for the characters. They read like stock characters, and unrealistic.
I expected more whodunit and more mystery, but there isn’t much there. There’s very little mystery, and too much deus ex machina reveals.
Additionally, a lot of the plot hinges on really unrealistic things. Like people making the dumbest possible decisions because of plot-reasons (like not destroying evidence but saving it nearly for no reason at all), the characters being unbelievable, or things like four people waiting in a boat out at sea for half an hour or so without even talking to each other and none of them noticing a motorboat stopping a stone’s throw away for a while.

And I didn’t even count the ghosts, which apparently are a thing, and which I personally would have rather been without. They did nothing for the book, and don’t belong in mystery books.

I gave it three stars because it’s cozy enough and decently written, but no more because I never cared about the characters or felt the plot was interesting. Also, there are things that felt like errors in continuity or inconsistencies in world building, plenty of deus ex machina, dumb decisions galore, and those ghosts that really didn’t belong. The stakes felt really low even when there was an active attempt at making them higher.

Audiobook is performed well.

Needs way more about gardening.

[Yasaman · Rating 3 out of 5]

This takes a bit of an everything and the kitchen sink approach to a cozy murder mystery: small town setting in New Zealand! Old lady amateur detective who was once a con artist of some kind! Retired assassin! Young man who can see ghosts! Slightly antagonistic but ultimately indulgent police inspector! It blends all these elements together well enough to make this a fun read. Could use a more thorough edit though.

[Julie Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tons of fun. If Don from The Rosie Project were a retired assassin and trying to solve a murder along with Elizabeth from The Thursday Murder Club, it might look like this. I stayed up late to finish it and have ordered the next book.

The audiobook, which came out later than the print version, is really good.

[Karen Team-orange · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not for me. DNF. The title grabbed my attention, sadly that’s where it ended. I persevered for about 25% in the hope it would get better; it didn’t. Life’s too short to struggle through a book I’m not enjoying.

[Kirsten McEndree · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this book based off of the fun title and I’m so glad I read it. The characters were fun and the plot included an interesting blend of a gardening, murder, ghosts, and friendship.

It has been a minute since I’ve given a book five stars. I can’t wait to read the next!

[Johnnie Barrett · Rating 2 out of 5]

Scooby-Doo like read…”And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!".

[Lillian · Rating 4 out of 5]

What’s not to love in a read with mystery , ghosts, plants and a cat . I did really laugh out loud at times!

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

What an incredible cast of characters.

Very reminiscent of Thursday Murder Club. I was hooked from the start with all the talk of gardening and small town vibes. Everyone has a lil fun secret that makes them different and fortunately helpful in solving a murder 🤭

Listening to this on audio was great. The narrator was a kiwi so it really gave the story life hearing everything in the correct accent.

At first I really wasn’t sold of the ghosts and how they fit into the story, I love a paranormal moment but I just didn’t think it really added anything. Saying that. Towards the end I was into it. Protect Charlie at all costs.

Im so glad this is a series and can’t wait to start the next.

[Benjamin Edwards · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was probably closer to a 4 than a 5 for me on my personal scale. But I really liked it and wanted to drag the average up not down, this book was a lot of fun for me, it’s totally my kind of storytelling. (Btw 4 stars from me means I love it and would recommend it but it didn’t hit me emotionally)