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Even the Good Girls Will Cry: My 90s Rock Memoir
Thanks to a thrown beer bottle and a fan letter to a P.O. box, Melissa Auf der Maur's first band scored an opening slot for the Smashing Pumpkins in her bohemian home town, Montreal. Sensing Melissa's talent, Billy Corgan recommended her to Courtney Love. Whisked from her local scene, Melissa joined Hole just after the deaths of Kurt Cobain and Hole's prior bassist, Kristen Pfaff, with the just-widowed Courtney Love at the centre of it all.
That was only the beginning of Melissa's journey through alternative rock, a trip she undertook alongside 90s luminaries including Rufus Wainwright, Michael Stipe and her former boyfriend, Dave Grohl. Even the Good Girls Will Cry is a vivid dispatch from the last analogue decade, capturing that bygone era in all its messy, angsty glory.
That was only the beginning of Melissa's journey through alternative rock, a trip she undertook alongside 90s luminaries including Rufus Wainwright, Michael Stipe and her former boyfriend, Dave Grohl. Even the Good Girls Will Cry is a vivid dispatch from the last analogue decade, capturing that bygone era in all its messy, angsty glory.
433 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 17, 2026
535 people are currently reading
8457 people want to read
About the author
Melissa Auf der Maur
4 books79 followersMelissa Auf der Maur is a Canadian musician, singer-songwriter and photographer. Born and raised in Montréal, Auf der Maur formed Tinker in 1993 and later was recruited as the bassist for the American alternative rock band Hole in 1994. Following her departure from Hole, Auf der Maur joined The Smashing Pumpkins in 2000 and later began a solo career. Her debut studio album, Auf der Maur, was released in 2004 and her second studio album, Out of Our Minds, was released in 2010.
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April 6, 2026
How does an unknown 22-year-old photography student from Montreal who has only just picked up the bass end up joining not one, but two of the 90’s biggest and most controversial alternative rock bands? Fortune favors the bold, and Melissa Auf der Maur is the living proof.
I’m a 90’s kid who came into her teens in the new millennium. Hole had long since disbanded when I discovered them—the old-fashioned, analog way, when finding new music was a precious and intimate thing—and I fell in love right away; I have always related to Courtney Love’s lyrics with a fierceness that Kurt Cobain’s could never rival. I love Melissa’s solo records as well, but this memoir doesn’t really touch on her post-Hole-and-Smashing-Pumpkins-career—it is, as promised by the cover blurb, strictly a 90’s rock music memoir. A refreshingly clear, balanced, honest, and compassionate one, the sort I didn’t think anyone who actually lived inside the maelstrom that was the 90’s alternative rock music scene could ever write.
The chapters about an author’s early life—before they get into whatever attracted you to pick their memoir up—can be tedious, but that couldn’t be further from the truth in Melissa’s case. Conceived during a one-night stand between a fiercely independent feminist mother, with whom she traveled the world at a young age, and a politically active journalist father with a drinking problem, she was born into an unconventional, bohemian life in Montreal, where she attended alternative schools that cultivated creativity. While Melissa loved the underground music scene, she had a passion for photography, and thought that that would be her path in life… until her roommate threw a beer bottle at Smashing Pumpkins’ frontman Billy Corgan, and she decided to apologize on behalf of her city. That encounter started an unlikely friendship and led to Corgan putting forward Melissa’s name as a replacement for Kristen Pfaff, the Hole bassist who died of a heroin overdose less than three months after Kurt Cobain committed suicide. And that’s how an unknown 22-year-old photography student from Montreal who’d been playing the bass for like six months ended up joining a band fronted by a single mother doing all her grieving on a public stage while struggling with addiction and her band on the brink of global mainstream stardom. Melissa was suddenly thrust into a world of fame, chaos, death, and drugs.
The thing is though, Melissa never wanted any of that. She turned the offer down several times, which only made Courtney want her more, and she eventually relented, having come to the realization that it was her destiny to do it for women everywhere, to change the landscape of rock…? That got a bit of a side-eye from me, because for all her big proclamations, she doesn’t really have anything nice to say about any of her female contemporaries, save Sinéad O’Connor—she only spotlights and gushes over male bands and artists, and I found the contradiction to be glaring. I also take issue with the fact that she calls 1998 a bad year for music, because if I had to pick, it might just be my favorite, with many of my most formative, all-time favorite records released that year: Aside from Hole’s Celebrity Skin, Tori Amos’ From the Choirgirl Hotel, Massive Attack’s Mezzanine, Alanis Morissette’s Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie, Madonna’s Ray of Light, and PJ Harvey’s Is This Desire? immediately spring to mind, and I could keep the list going.
Melissa is an unlikely rock star, the kind that even a shy, bookish girl like myself could maybe aspire to be. She’s quiet, introspective, artsy, and having grown up surrounded by a fairly famous father, she’s level-headed enough around fame to keep her integrity—a poised and compassionate observer happy to be just out of the limelight, rather than a new main character adding even more drama to already difficult band dynamics. Even the Good Girls Will Cry tells Melissa’s story—she paints a vivid picture of the grunge scene she suddenly found herself at the heart of, but she keeps it from her perspective, never telling someone else’s story or resorting to petty gossip—and there were plenty of occasions where she easily could have.
It’s not perfect. Melissa’s writing is rather verbose, and there’s a lot of new age spirituality I didn’t care for—frequent talk of star signs, mystical dreams, and cosmic callings. It’s also quite pretentious, since she takes every opportunity to mock anything even remotely radio friendly… while being part of two of the most commercially successful rock bands of the decade. All in all though, Even the Good Girls Will Cry is a worthwhile memoir that gives you backstage access to the 90’s alternative rock scene—a nostalgic and wistful love-letter to the last analog decade in music, capturing it in all its tragic, messy beauty through words and photographs.
I’m a 90’s kid who came into her teens in the new millennium. Hole had long since disbanded when I discovered them—the old-fashioned, analog way, when finding new music was a precious and intimate thing—and I fell in love right away; I have always related to Courtney Love’s lyrics with a fierceness that Kurt Cobain’s could never rival. I love Melissa’s solo records as well, but this memoir doesn’t really touch on her post-Hole-and-Smashing-Pumpkins-career—it is, as promised by the cover blurb, strictly a 90’s rock music memoir. A refreshingly clear, balanced, honest, and compassionate one, the sort I didn’t think anyone who actually lived inside the maelstrom that was the 90’s alternative rock music scene could ever write.
“Did I really have any sense of what my future was going to look like, or did I simply hold faith in it?”
The chapters about an author’s early life—before they get into whatever attracted you to pick their memoir up—can be tedious, but that couldn’t be further from the truth in Melissa’s case. Conceived during a one-night stand between a fiercely independent feminist mother, with whom she traveled the world at a young age, and a politically active journalist father with a drinking problem, she was born into an unconventional, bohemian life in Montreal, where she attended alternative schools that cultivated creativity. While Melissa loved the underground music scene, she had a passion for photography, and thought that that would be her path in life… until her roommate threw a beer bottle at Smashing Pumpkins’ frontman Billy Corgan, and she decided to apologize on behalf of her city. That encounter started an unlikely friendship and led to Corgan putting forward Melissa’s name as a replacement for Kristen Pfaff, the Hole bassist who died of a heroin overdose less than three months after Kurt Cobain committed suicide. And that’s how an unknown 22-year-old photography student from Montreal who’d been playing the bass for like six months ended up joining a band fronted by a single mother doing all her grieving on a public stage while struggling with addiction and her band on the brink of global mainstream stardom. Melissa was suddenly thrust into a world of fame, chaos, death, and drugs.
“It was our time—a time of messy humanity, tragedy in slow motion, and raw music made by romantic broken poets for a world that did not yet know where it was heading.”
The thing is though, Melissa never wanted any of that. She turned the offer down several times, which only made Courtney want her more, and she eventually relented, having come to the realization that it was her destiny to do it for women everywhere, to change the landscape of rock…? That got a bit of a side-eye from me, because for all her big proclamations, she doesn’t really have anything nice to say about any of her female contemporaries, save Sinéad O’Connor—she only spotlights and gushes over male bands and artists, and I found the contradiction to be glaring. I also take issue with the fact that she calls 1998 a bad year for music, because if I had to pick, it might just be my favorite, with many of my most formative, all-time favorite records released that year: Aside from Hole’s Celebrity Skin, Tori Amos’ From the Choirgirl Hotel, Massive Attack’s Mezzanine, Alanis Morissette’s Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie, Madonna’s Ray of Light, and PJ Harvey’s Is This Desire? immediately spring to mind, and I could keep the list going.
Melissa is an unlikely rock star, the kind that even a shy, bookish girl like myself could maybe aspire to be. She’s quiet, introspective, artsy, and having grown up surrounded by a fairly famous father, she’s level-headed enough around fame to keep her integrity—a poised and compassionate observer happy to be just out of the limelight, rather than a new main character adding even more drama to already difficult band dynamics. Even the Good Girls Will Cry tells Melissa’s story—she paints a vivid picture of the grunge scene she suddenly found herself at the heart of, but she keeps it from her perspective, never telling someone else’s story or resorting to petty gossip—and there were plenty of occasions where she easily could have.
“I have faith in the beauty humans can spin, with song, words, art, and love. That part seems quite simple to me now. Find your voice. Stay true to your own course, always with deep regard for the collective. Start a band, choose an instrument, take photos, write in your diary, listen to your dreams. Believe in something beyond yourself.”
It’s not perfect. Melissa’s writing is rather verbose, and there’s a lot of new age spirituality I didn’t care for—frequent talk of star signs, mystical dreams, and cosmic callings. It’s also quite pretentious, since she takes every opportunity to mock anything even remotely radio friendly… while being part of two of the most commercially successful rock bands of the decade. All in all though, Even the Good Girls Will Cry is a worthwhile memoir that gives you backstage access to the 90’s alternative rock scene—a nostalgic and wistful love-letter to the last analog decade in music, capturing it in all its tragic, messy beauty through words and photographs.
March 31, 2026
Oh, Melissa…
What a gift you have given us with this incredible book! Now I confess that I am having a very intense hyper-fixation on the nineties and especially 90s music these days. I suppose that like a lot of people, I miss the good old analog days. It’s also the music I grew up on, the music that shaped me, and that’s very special. I’ve heard that middle age is all about reconnecting to a younger version of yourself, so maybe that’s why this music feels so comforting to me as I try to steer my little boat through the maelstrom of peri-fucking-menopause. In fact, I can tell you that I feel Hole’s music in my bones now in a way I never could have when I was first exposed to it in high school… Anyway, I digress. Let’s get back to your book.
It is so well-written. I often read non-fiction books with a highlighter in hand, and I had to hold back with yours because I was ready to color the whole thing! Your sentences are so beautiful, the images you conjure so striking, and your observations so insightful. What a delight it is to read a book written by someone who clearly loves words and language as much as you do.
I’ve read a lot of books about the nineties recently, some written by women, but few were as introspective as yours. Musician memoirs are often an elaborate way to justify controversial behaviors, or an attempt to correct public perception – or just another way to get attention. Not yours: you look at the past with an honesty and clarity that I was very impressed by. Especially considering that your career involved proximity to two sacred monsters of nineties rock! I am awed by the grace with which you navigated both relationships, and I agree with you that the world was incredibly and unfairly hard on Courtney Love: we now have a language to talk about women in crisis, but in 1994, we did not know how to talk about what she was going through. For some, it was easier to demonize than to have compassion, easier to ascribe nefarious intent than to find ways to support a woman dealing with this much pain. This is one thing we have learned to be better at, and I am grateful for it, though the fact remains that for Courtney, the damage is done. The way you write about her is both compassionate and very fair, and I find it quite moving that you have come to accept her as the messy but incredible person that she is. I’m sure that means a lot to her.
Having an unusual family and learning from your father’s struggles clearly prepared you better than most to the kind of life you dove so fearlessly into when you were recruited by Hole: what a leap of faith! What incredible rewards, stories and adventures this leap brought you! And what a gift you bestowed upon us by sharing them!
It’s always a pleasure for me to read about Montrealers bringing this city’s very unique energy with them all over the world. I was born in Montreal and lived here most of my life, and it gives me great joy to see that our city plays such a role in your story. It’s tricky to explain to people who aren’t from here, but Montreal magic is a real thing, even these days, as the city is changing into something that I don’t recognize anymore. I always love to read about beloved familiar places; Foufounes Électriques is an important place for me too, full of stories! I’m so happy to add yours to the collection of tales I know about this fabled place.
I also loved hearing about your parents, who represent the best of what I think our city can offer: people who are unconventional and larger than life is what makes Montreal so distinct, and so wonderful. I am very glad that their paths crossed and that you carried their influence and legacy with you. I must also say how moved I was by the article your father wrote for the Gazette after he went to see you play. Fatherly pride and joy leap out of every word he wrote. I had to dry my eyes reading it. In fact, most of the stories about your father left me very emotional: I know he wasn’t a fan of streets being named after people, but he deserves more than an alley, he deserves a boulevard.
You draw such interesting connections between the work you did as a musician in one of the biggest alt rock acts of the decade and the heavy spiritual cost a person has to pay to thrive in an industry that profits off of their suffering and willingness to do ‘what it takes’ to keep the pace. The fundamental paradox you explore, of coming from a anti-capitalist family and finding yourself playing events sponsored by beer companies that exploit communities you play to, is the sort of thing I probably think about way too often. That impossible and unsustainable position clearly erodes at people’s humanity if they are meant to function while holding this contradiction, and you explain this with great clarity. I am so glad that you were able to compartmentalize and had access to therapy to keep you as grounded as possible through this whirlwind.
Thank you for this opportunity to travel back in time to an era I think about all the time. Thank you for bringing back to life the flavor and texture of its magic. Thank you for being the rock star shy, bookish girls could aspire to be. This was such a pleasure to read, and I will treasure your book for a long time! I look forward to your reading tonight: I have no doubt it will be very special!
What a gift you have given us with this incredible book! Now I confess that I am having a very intense hyper-fixation on the nineties and especially 90s music these days. I suppose that like a lot of people, I miss the good old analog days. It’s also the music I grew up on, the music that shaped me, and that’s very special. I’ve heard that middle age is all about reconnecting to a younger version of yourself, so maybe that’s why this music feels so comforting to me as I try to steer my little boat through the maelstrom of peri-fucking-menopause. In fact, I can tell you that I feel Hole’s music in my bones now in a way I never could have when I was first exposed to it in high school… Anyway, I digress. Let’s get back to your book.
It is so well-written. I often read non-fiction books with a highlighter in hand, and I had to hold back with yours because I was ready to color the whole thing! Your sentences are so beautiful, the images you conjure so striking, and your observations so insightful. What a delight it is to read a book written by someone who clearly loves words and language as much as you do.
I’ve read a lot of books about the nineties recently, some written by women, but few were as introspective as yours. Musician memoirs are often an elaborate way to justify controversial behaviors, or an attempt to correct public perception – or just another way to get attention. Not yours: you look at the past with an honesty and clarity that I was very impressed by. Especially considering that your career involved proximity to two sacred monsters of nineties rock! I am awed by the grace with which you navigated both relationships, and I agree with you that the world was incredibly and unfairly hard on Courtney Love: we now have a language to talk about women in crisis, but in 1994, we did not know how to talk about what she was going through. For some, it was easier to demonize than to have compassion, easier to ascribe nefarious intent than to find ways to support a woman dealing with this much pain. This is one thing we have learned to be better at, and I am grateful for it, though the fact remains that for Courtney, the damage is done. The way you write about her is both compassionate and very fair, and I find it quite moving that you have come to accept her as the messy but incredible person that she is. I’m sure that means a lot to her.
Having an unusual family and learning from your father’s struggles clearly prepared you better than most to the kind of life you dove so fearlessly into when you were recruited by Hole: what a leap of faith! What incredible rewards, stories and adventures this leap brought you! And what a gift you bestowed upon us by sharing them!
It’s always a pleasure for me to read about Montrealers bringing this city’s very unique energy with them all over the world. I was born in Montreal and lived here most of my life, and it gives me great joy to see that our city plays such a role in your story. It’s tricky to explain to people who aren’t from here, but Montreal magic is a real thing, even these days, as the city is changing into something that I don’t recognize anymore. I always love to read about beloved familiar places; Foufounes Électriques is an important place for me too, full of stories! I’m so happy to add yours to the collection of tales I know about this fabled place.
I also loved hearing about your parents, who represent the best of what I think our city can offer: people who are unconventional and larger than life is what makes Montreal so distinct, and so wonderful. I am very glad that their paths crossed and that you carried their influence and legacy with you. I must also say how moved I was by the article your father wrote for the Gazette after he went to see you play. Fatherly pride and joy leap out of every word he wrote. I had to dry my eyes reading it. In fact, most of the stories about your father left me very emotional: I know he wasn’t a fan of streets being named after people, but he deserves more than an alley, he deserves a boulevard.
You draw such interesting connections between the work you did as a musician in one of the biggest alt rock acts of the decade and the heavy spiritual cost a person has to pay to thrive in an industry that profits off of their suffering and willingness to do ‘what it takes’ to keep the pace. The fundamental paradox you explore, of coming from a anti-capitalist family and finding yourself playing events sponsored by beer companies that exploit communities you play to, is the sort of thing I probably think about way too often. That impossible and unsustainable position clearly erodes at people’s humanity if they are meant to function while holding this contradiction, and you explain this with great clarity. I am so glad that you were able to compartmentalize and had access to therapy to keep you as grounded as possible through this whirlwind.
Thank you for this opportunity to travel back in time to an era I think about all the time. Thank you for bringing back to life the flavor and texture of its magic. Thank you for being the rock star shy, bookish girls could aspire to be. This was such a pleasure to read, and I will treasure your book for a long time! I look forward to your reading tonight: I have no doubt it will be very special!
December 10, 2025
Even the Good Girls Will Cry is the kind of memoir that pulls you straight back into the raw, electric pulse of the 90s. Melissa Auf der Maur writes with the heart of an artist and the memory of someone who lived inside that chaotic, beautiful decade.
What makes this book unforgettable is how human it feels. Melissa captures the messy friendships, the heartbreaks, the backstage moments, and the sense of being young in a world that felt dangerous and full of possibility. With never-before-seen photos and vivid storytelling, this memoir feels like flipping through an old, beloved scrapbook you forgot you still had. A powerful, emotional journey through the last analog era of rock.
What makes this book unforgettable is how human it feels. Melissa captures the messy friendships, the heartbreaks, the backstage moments, and the sense of being young in a world that felt dangerous and full of possibility. With never-before-seen photos and vivid storytelling, this memoir feels like flipping through an old, beloved scrapbook you forgot you still had. A powerful, emotional journey through the last analog era of rock.
January 28, 2026
As a young bass player in a high school band back in the 90s looking for inspiration amongst the era's rockstars, there were few musicians as striking on MTV as Melissa Auf der Maur. Her style, poise, and mysterious / mystical presence in Hole videos made her one of my heroes and I followed her musical path from that band to the Pumpkins and up to her stint in the Curiosa Festival promoting her first solo record in the early aughts. But I never knew much about Melissa, other than she had settled outside NYC and ran an esteemed artist space and venue. As a longtime fan, I'm glad she wrote this memoir –a surprisingly candid and deep dive into her personal experiences as a developing artist and touring musician in two of the biggest rock bands of our time. I also appreciated (and got my heart broken) reading about her parents, in particular her dad, Nick, a beloved political figure and journalist back in Montreal. Insights into her art practice, dreams, spirituality, friendships, life philosophy, work relationships, love life, experiences around addicts, and the music industry coalesce into a fulfilling, emotional, and inspiring read that confidently lands "Even the Good Girls Will Cry" at the tippy top of my rock memoirs list.
Thanks to Grand Central Publishing | Da Capo and NetGalley for providing an advance copy of this book for review.
Thanks to Grand Central Publishing | Da Capo and NetGalley for providing an advance copy of this book for review.
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April 23, 2026There's been a recent wave of reassessment of the way female pop and rock stars were treated in the nineties and noughties, so it comes as something of a surprise to read Melissa auf der Maur's account o the era and have it confirmed that even being thrown in at the deep end (playing Reading with Hole, in the full glare of the loss both of Kurt Cobain and her own predecessor as bassist, was her seventh gig – not as in her seventh with Hole, her seventh gig ever), even working and crossing paths with some of the era's biggest nightmares, and notwithstanding a hippy sensibility and idiosyncratic sexuality you'd think could have been hard work to square with the mores of the time, then still ends up sounding much more fun than now. True, she has the advantage of being what would now be called a nepo baby; her mum is a translator, activist and single mother by choice, only informing Melissa's journalist and politician dad (who in my head was Paul Rudd in Anchorman even before he started calling Billy Corgan "that Big Pumpkin") that he has a daugher some time after Melissa is born – and only after that do they get married, for a bit. Dad only has one rightwing friend, but it's Conrad Black; mum was friends (maybe more) with Leonard Cohen. Melissa and Rufus Wainwright are schoolfriends who fancy the same boy; later, the mother of Rufus' child will be the only woman with whom Melissa ever briefly changes teams*. But even without this grounding in everyday celebrity, you suspect that someone who regards Pro Tools with deep suspicion, loves record stores and scuzzy little venues (including one called the Electric Buttocks), would likely have preferred to spend much more of this book talking about Brainiac and Girls Against Boys and Anal Chinook than stadium tours, was always going to be more at home in the analogue world than a future where the internet means everyone gets to be Courtney Love for 15 minutes, except only the horrified fascination, not the great records. True, there's also plenty on the frustrations and indignities of working with junkies. And it should go without saying that, engaging a narrator as auf der Maur is, I sometimes found her choices hard to process, whether that's a general passivity through much of the book, or specific preferences like rating Machina higher than Mellon Collie, turning down nineties Stephen Dorff (!!!) but going into more detail than I needed about her liaisons with Corgan and Dave Grohl (very good with his hands, apparently). Elsewhere, of course, there was new information that was much more palatable, like how Hole's management turned down Homerpalooza on the incredibly stupid grounds that it made a caricature of Courtney, meaning the Pumpkins – and one of my favourite ever Simpsons jokes! – were a late replacement. And learning that Kurt Cobain collected wind-up monkey toys explains a lot. There's also the immortal line, of Courtney at her 35th birthday, "She showed genuine respect for the stripper by licking whipped cream off her fake breasts and taking a Jell-O shot from between her legs." And I love that, like another coolest one in their band, auf der Maur once based an art project around photographs of hotel TV screens (the opening show was the night before the Twin Towers fell and ended the era, which auf der Maur watched from the Chelsea Hotel, because of course she did). At the end of it all you're left with a clearer sense of how she managed to be such a mesmerising presence even stood next to Courtney Love at her most (in)famous, and of the deep joy she takes in art, any art, so long as she's feeling it. I also loved her general...serenity, you could almost call it, where with hindsight she's mostly fond of the people she talks about, even when she remains unhappy with aspects of their behaviour and is sometimes brilliantly, casually damning regarding specific aspects of their work.
*I'll admit I was surprised to learn from this book that bisexuality wasn't a thing in the nineties. Also that Nirvana's Unplugged was released on DVD before Hole recorded theirs, to have Minor Threat's response to Reaganism compared to the Sex Pistols' response to Thatcherism, and to see the Industrial Revolution listed among the features of the departing Twentieth Century.
*I'll admit I was surprised to learn from this book that bisexuality wasn't a thing in the nineties. Also that Nirvana's Unplugged was released on DVD before Hole recorded theirs, to have Minor Threat's response to Reaganism compared to the Sex Pistols' response to Thatcherism, and to see the Industrial Revolution listed among the features of the departing Twentieth Century.
February 19, 2026
A beautiful and heartwarming memoir that fuelled my obsession with 90s rock music and made me nostalgic for a time I didn't even experience.
Even the Good Girls Will Cry takes you back in time to the rebellious 90s where everything seemed possible. We follow Melissa Auf der Maur from growing up in Montreal to playing bass at the biggest rock festivals, all while dealing with difficult band dynamics, loss and the search for her own creative freedom.
Filled with anecdotes from meeting the biggest rock bands and celebrities of the 90s and illustrated with her own photography Melissa Auf der Maur beautifully manages to capture the spirit of the last analogue decade.
Already one of my favourite releases of 2026!
Even the Good Girls Will Cry takes you back in time to the rebellious 90s where everything seemed possible. We follow Melissa Auf der Maur from growing up in Montreal to playing bass at the biggest rock festivals, all while dealing with difficult band dynamics, loss and the search for her own creative freedom.
Filled with anecdotes from meeting the biggest rock bands and celebrities of the 90s and illustrated with her own photography Melissa Auf der Maur beautifully manages to capture the spirit of the last analogue decade.
Already one of my favourite releases of 2026!
April 29, 2026
This was a great read. From her unusual childhood and family to her falling in love with early grunge music and then joining and touring with Hole, there was lots in this book that was just fascinating. I liked getting a more human look at Courtney Love, it’s so easy to demonise her. It’s a pity the only album Melissa worked on was the overproduced Celebrity Skin (I still till this day hate that Malibu song). All the bands and music she saw and toured with or was on the same bill with, obviously there’s lots of namedropping. (Actually even growing up she was surrounded by future famous people eg Rufus Wainwright!) For a trip down the 90s memory lane read this.
March 21, 2026
melissa auf der maur is one of the most important people to my being, she made me pick the bass up and fall in love with music all over again. i feel very connected to her in ways i can’t even begin to explain and i’ve been beyond excited for the release of her memoir and not surprising to most that know me to say this did not disappoint at all. this book is so so special it not only gave me insight into things about her life that i always wished to know but it also made me long for a time i wasn’t even alive for. i wish one day that i could meet her so i can tell her just how much she means to me and how much of an impact she has had on my life but for now having this feels good enough.
April 24, 2026
I didn't know much about Auf der Maur aside from her role as bassist in Hole and Smashing Pumpkins in the 90s.
This book offered lots of insight into her personal/family life and the basics about her role with Hole during the incredibly complicated time immediately after the death of both Kurt Cobain and Hole's original bassist. She offers what feels like detached/guarded insight into Courtney Love's actions leading up to the making of the Celebrity Skin album.
Mostly, it was cool to hear she started as a super fan of Smashing Pumpkins; Billy Corgan became her pen pal and incredibly brief romantic fling; she started playing bass after a dream that made her understand music was her calling, and was then recommended to Courtney Love by Billy. It feels like a fairy tale! Also, wow, she was deeply in love with Dave Grohl. It seems like fate brought her into that extremely complicated circle of Nirvana/Hole/Pumpkins.
This book offered lots of insight into her personal/family life and the basics about her role with Hole during the incredibly complicated time immediately after the death of both Kurt Cobain and Hole's original bassist. She offers what feels like detached/guarded insight into Courtney Love's actions leading up to the making of the Celebrity Skin album.
Mostly, it was cool to hear she started as a super fan of Smashing Pumpkins; Billy Corgan became her pen pal and incredibly brief romantic fling; she started playing bass after a dream that made her understand music was her calling, and was then recommended to Courtney Love by Billy. It feels like a fairy tale! Also, wow, she was deeply in love with Dave Grohl. It seems like fate brought her into that extremely complicated circle of Nirvana/Hole/Pumpkins.
April 27, 2026
Love this person, love the subject matter of this book. Love this time in American history and its mirror for my own girlhood. 😍 BiG LoVe…
But I did get a little bored. And perhaps it’s due to some oversaturation of memoir, and particularly memoir from women in rock of this era, which I have been consuming rampantly. But I think also there are some redundancies. The editing could have been a bit tighter.
Ultimately this is dead, fixed history, however beloved.
I’m again reminded to try and never meet my heroes. 💟
But I did get a little bored. And perhaps it’s due to some oversaturation of memoir, and particularly memoir from women in rock of this era, which I have been consuming rampantly. But I think also there are some redundancies. The editing could have been a bit tighter.
Ultimately this is dead, fixed history, however beloved.
I’m again reminded to try and never meet my heroes. 💟
March 2, 2026
Regard lucide, sensible et touchant sur une décennie musicale qui a défini toute une génération (fallait être là). Le parcours de Melissa Auf der Maur est fascinant. C’est un must read!
April 28, 2026
Really struggling with an appropriate rating for this book....
I was really excited to read this when I heard it was being released. I was still heavy into Smashing Pumpkins during the Machina era and I thought MADM added a great aesthetic to the band as D'Arcy's replacement. I always really liked Celebrity Skin - when you discover Billy Corgan wrote 1/2 that record it makes sense - and still think it holds up as a 90s rock record, and I saw her solo project in 2005 with the Cure and remember liking her first solo record.
But reading through this book, to list MADM as 68/100 in a 'the women of rock' poll is a joke. What has been her contribution to 90s alternative music? The two albums she's most known for - arguably - she didn't even play on. And then the two records she did play on, we get so little insight into the recording process that they're just kind of footnotes in the book.
What I did take away from this book is that MADM rocked it as Courtney Love's wing woman during the Celebrity Skin promotion era; Courtney was clean, coming off a couple Hollywood movies and playing up this glam California princess vibe for which MADM was a nice contrast as the tall, striking redhead to Courtney's crazy blond Cali girl vibes.
MADM barely goes into the details of the one song she co-wrote for Celebrity Skin - Awful, i fucking love that song - and you learn more reading the wikipedia page for the song than you do from the song's creator. And from what I can tell, the only actual writing credit she got in the entire length of the book. The only things I really learned about the recording of Celebrity Skin is that the first demo sessions went so poorly they had to bring in BC to co-write the record, and this antidote about the Awful riff. She didn't even mention the lyrics of the song of even WHEN she and Patty came up with the riff - first demo sessions in New Orleans? at home? In the sessions with Billy?
She spends a lot of time in the book talking about how she and Hole were out there, "doing it for girls everywhere" when she gives off extreme, "you don't support other women" vibes throughout the book:
1. She doesn't need to include that line from Billy Corgan, "you're better than the bass player in my band" which he used as a line to fuck her. What's the point of that line than to shade D'Arcy? There's another point where she references, "the three members of the band" referring to a time before Jimmy was fired so who is she leaving out of the mix? My assumption is it's shading D'Arcy but she gets her timeline wrong a couple times throughout the book which makes me think she didn't go back and verify some of these dates and/or no one edited the book.
2. Her only story from Lollapalooza was to bring up the Courtney-Kathleen Hanna fight and take Courtney's side as if this hasn't been litigated already and everyone agrees Courtney was completely in the wrong. But MADM never ever says anything bad about CL in the book. And that's all we learn about her experience on Lollapalooza
3. She repeatedly puts Hole up on a pedestal as this 'female led band' and never, ever recognizes contemporary female-led bands except to be dismissive towards Bikini Kill and Riot Grrrrl in the CL-KH fight. No mention of L7 or Seven Year Bitch or the Breeders or PJ Harvey or even fucking Ani DiFranco who's from Buffalo which isn't far from Montreal. She mentions getting a photo with her, Courtney and Gwen Stefani at the VMAs where again the whole schtick is about how fabulous and famous she was by being on Courtney's arm
4. The only women she speaks about positively in the book are: her mom, CL, Patty Schemel, Yelena Yemchuk and the woman she did coke with in the bathroom at a milan fashion show - went with Courtney! - who would became her daughter's god mother. She bragged about never doing drugs then throws in this random unneeded line about doing a line in a bathroom with this woman.
The other main issue is that she puts in italics that no man will ever control her life. This is in relation to not wanting to marry and having babies and be a stay at home wife with/for Dave Grohl and wanted some control over the choices of her future. Totally agree, and it aligns nicely with this, "doing it to pave a path for women everywhere!" vibe of the book.
She briefly mentions being asked to play bass on a 1997 record by Ric Ocasek. She does a whole paragraph on Brian Baker, introducing his long career, and Greg Hawkes as the Cars keyboardist. Talked about Ric calling her up to play on the record. She doesn't talk much about the actual recording - disappointing - but mentions laying down her tracks and then departing so Brian and Ric can lay the wall of guitar over the drum and bass parts.
I listened to that album - Toublizing - when reading the book. I'd never heard it and it's a great record is great and holds up really well in 2026. There were two producers on that records: Ric Ocasek and......Billy Corgan. Who also played guitar on every song on the record. James Iha is also on it, as it Matt Walker who replaced Jimmy in Smashing Pumpkins in 97. She didn't mention BC's involvement at all.
She also doesn't really talk about her first MADM solo record either only to mention she made and released it. It came out in 2004 and not part of the 90s so obviously not part of her story -- although how many Smashing Pumpkins shows did she play in 1999? But if you look through the production and musicians on that record, it's all her boyfriend's (Dave Grohl) new friends from QOTSA and the desert who played on and made that record.
She drives to Buffalo or Albany just to fuck Billy Corgan, but then discusses again and again how she only sleeps with men who she sees having a baby with. Which must have included that, "rising young actor" and the guy from the opening band she insisted joins the tour and various other opaque references she makes to lovers..... She also never does drugs except when she has to throw in how she snorted coke with her daughter's god mother
Billy Corgan gets her into Hole. Billy Corgan produces the Ric Ocasek record she played on. Billy co-wrote 1/2 the only Hole record she played on. So Billy Corgan was heavily involved in the two albums she played on in the 90s. Her boyfriend's new friends - the guys in QOTSA - played all over and produced her first solo record.
It's the obfuscating the truth that rubs me the wrong way on top of shit talking D'Arcy needlessly, acting like Hole was the only female-led band of the 90se....she barely played on their catalogue and didn't even want to talk too much about the shows, tours or album she did play on.
Honestly her photo book that's coming out later this year will probably be cool.
I was really excited to read this when I heard it was being released. I was still heavy into Smashing Pumpkins during the Machina era and I thought MADM added a great aesthetic to the band as D'Arcy's replacement. I always really liked Celebrity Skin - when you discover Billy Corgan wrote 1/2 that record it makes sense - and still think it holds up as a 90s rock record, and I saw her solo project in 2005 with the Cure and remember liking her first solo record.
But reading through this book, to list MADM as 68/100 in a 'the women of rock' poll is a joke. What has been her contribution to 90s alternative music? The two albums she's most known for - arguably - she didn't even play on. And then the two records she did play on, we get so little insight into the recording process that they're just kind of footnotes in the book.
What I did take away from this book is that MADM rocked it as Courtney Love's wing woman during the Celebrity Skin promotion era; Courtney was clean, coming off a couple Hollywood movies and playing up this glam California princess vibe for which MADM was a nice contrast as the tall, striking redhead to Courtney's crazy blond Cali girl vibes.
MADM barely goes into the details of the one song she co-wrote for Celebrity Skin - Awful, i fucking love that song - and you learn more reading the wikipedia page for the song than you do from the song's creator. And from what I can tell, the only actual writing credit she got in the entire length of the book. The only things I really learned about the recording of Celebrity Skin is that the first demo sessions went so poorly they had to bring in BC to co-write the record, and this antidote about the Awful riff. She didn't even mention the lyrics of the song of even WHEN she and Patty came up with the riff - first demo sessions in New Orleans? at home? In the sessions with Billy?
She spends a lot of time in the book talking about how she and Hole were out there, "doing it for girls everywhere" when she gives off extreme, "you don't support other women" vibes throughout the book:
1. She doesn't need to include that line from Billy Corgan, "you're better than the bass player in my band" which he used as a line to fuck her. What's the point of that line than to shade D'Arcy? There's another point where she references, "the three members of the band" referring to a time before Jimmy was fired so who is she leaving out of the mix? My assumption is it's shading D'Arcy but she gets her timeline wrong a couple times throughout the book which makes me think she didn't go back and verify some of these dates and/or no one edited the book.
2. Her only story from Lollapalooza was to bring up the Courtney-Kathleen Hanna fight and take Courtney's side as if this hasn't been litigated already and everyone agrees Courtney was completely in the wrong. But MADM never ever says anything bad about CL in the book. And that's all we learn about her experience on Lollapalooza
3. She repeatedly puts Hole up on a pedestal as this 'female led band' and never, ever recognizes contemporary female-led bands except to be dismissive towards Bikini Kill and Riot Grrrrl in the CL-KH fight. No mention of L7 or Seven Year Bitch or the Breeders or PJ Harvey or even fucking Ani DiFranco who's from Buffalo which isn't far from Montreal. She mentions getting a photo with her, Courtney and Gwen Stefani at the VMAs where again the whole schtick is about how fabulous and famous she was by being on Courtney's arm
4. The only women she speaks about positively in the book are: her mom, CL, Patty Schemel, Yelena Yemchuk and the woman she did coke with in the bathroom at a milan fashion show - went with Courtney! - who would became her daughter's god mother. She bragged about never doing drugs then throws in this random unneeded line about doing a line in a bathroom with this woman.
The other main issue is that she puts in italics that no man will ever control her life. This is in relation to not wanting to marry and having babies and be a stay at home wife with/for Dave Grohl and wanted some control over the choices of her future. Totally agree, and it aligns nicely with this, "doing it to pave a path for women everywhere!" vibe of the book.
She briefly mentions being asked to play bass on a 1997 record by Ric Ocasek. She does a whole paragraph on Brian Baker, introducing his long career, and Greg Hawkes as the Cars keyboardist. Talked about Ric calling her up to play on the record. She doesn't talk much about the actual recording - disappointing - but mentions laying down her tracks and then departing so Brian and Ric can lay the wall of guitar over the drum and bass parts.
I listened to that album - Toublizing - when reading the book. I'd never heard it and it's a great record is great and holds up really well in 2026. There were two producers on that records: Ric Ocasek and......Billy Corgan. Who also played guitar on every song on the record. James Iha is also on it, as it Matt Walker who replaced Jimmy in Smashing Pumpkins in 97. She didn't mention BC's involvement at all.
She also doesn't really talk about her first MADM solo record either only to mention she made and released it. It came out in 2004 and not part of the 90s so obviously not part of her story -- although how many Smashing Pumpkins shows did she play in 1999? But if you look through the production and musicians on that record, it's all her boyfriend's (Dave Grohl) new friends from QOTSA and the desert who played on and made that record.
She drives to Buffalo or Albany just to fuck Billy Corgan, but then discusses again and again how she only sleeps with men who she sees having a baby with. Which must have included that, "rising young actor" and the guy from the opening band she insisted joins the tour and various other opaque references she makes to lovers..... She also never does drugs except when she has to throw in how she snorted coke with her daughter's god mother
Billy Corgan gets her into Hole. Billy Corgan produces the Ric Ocasek record she played on. Billy co-wrote 1/2 the only Hole record she played on. So Billy Corgan was heavily involved in the two albums she played on in the 90s. Her boyfriend's new friends - the guys in QOTSA - played all over and produced her first solo record.
It's the obfuscating the truth that rubs me the wrong way on top of shit talking D'Arcy needlessly, acting like Hole was the only female-led band of the 90se....she barely played on their catalogue and didn't even want to talk too much about the shows, tours or album she did play on.
Honestly her photo book that's coming out later this year will probably be cool.
January 14, 2026
A good memoir always has a distinctive voice, and this one was no exception. Recommend for fans of Melissa Auf der Maur; otherwise it may feel long. Interesting insight into the 1990s music scene.
April 4, 2026
Melissa Auf der Maur has lived an utterly fascinating life, and she’s not only an A+ writer, but she’s a top-notch storyteller. Her book makes you feel like you were a fly on the wall during the 90’s grunge movement. She joined the band Hole after bassist Kristen Pfaff died of a heroin overdose and also after the suicide of Kurt Cobain, the husband of lead singer Courtney Love. She joined a band that was grieving, struggling, and also dealing with addiction.
The thing is, Melissa never wanted fame and fortune. She never wanted to be part of “the machine.” She simply wanted to make meaningful music that was important to her. After leaving Hole, she also joined the band Smashing Pumpkins. She even calls Courtney Love and Billy Corgan her “grunge parents.” Melissa even dated Dave Grohl for a period of time.
What’s remarkable about her book is how she’s able to paint a vivid picture of the grunge scene and the various personalities in it in a way that is honest and revealing without resorting to petty gossip or bitterness. She is not shy about pointing out their personal flaws or quirks, but she has plenty of respect for them.
This book was a GREAT read, and I couldn’t put it down. I was reading 100 pages a day until I moved and had to resume reading the final 30 pages. This is a fantastic rock memoir as it really takes you back to the mid-90’s and offers a great sense of time and place.
The thing is, Melissa never wanted fame and fortune. She never wanted to be part of “the machine.” She simply wanted to make meaningful music that was important to her. After leaving Hole, she also joined the band Smashing Pumpkins. She even calls Courtney Love and Billy Corgan her “grunge parents.” Melissa even dated Dave Grohl for a period of time.
What’s remarkable about her book is how she’s able to paint a vivid picture of the grunge scene and the various personalities in it in a way that is honest and revealing without resorting to petty gossip or bitterness. She is not shy about pointing out their personal flaws or quirks, but she has plenty of respect for them.
This book was a GREAT read, and I couldn’t put it down. I was reading 100 pages a day until I moved and had to resume reading the final 30 pages. This is a fantastic rock memoir as it really takes you back to the mid-90’s and offers a great sense of time and place.
April 13, 2026
I was tired of reading the word vintage and aloof, swear to god she repeats them a million times. Also to her trent reznor is a poseur but courtney love is the second comming of christ! The most talented musician, the greatest talent alive, come on!! Also grew tired of reading how everyone desired her and that everybody thought she was the most beautiful thing alive, I mean yeah she is a very good looking woman, but her ego does not fit through the door.
The last chapter, when she is describing the sept 11 attacks, she makes it about her “I am lucky to be alive” just because she walked by the WTC the night before! Jesus!!
The last chapter, when she is describing the sept 11 attacks, she makes it about her “I am lucky to be alive” just because she walked by the WTC the night before! Jesus!!
March 17, 2026
An insiders view of the 90s alternative rock scene, Melissa Auf der Maur's Even the Good Girls Will Cry: A '90s Rock Memoir sees the author reflecting on joining or touring with some of the biggest bands of the period (Hole and Smashing Pumpkins). It's a straightforward biography from an unconventional life.
Auf der Maur starts with a view from stage before going way back to the lives of her parents, how they met and created her in Montreal. Her father was a very public politician and writer, quiet in private life but very performative, one of the guys at the bar, always smoking. Her mother was a liberated American who left the United States out of disgust and sought her own path. Auf der Maur speaks of her unusual but supportive parents, schooling in the arts and the drive to be a musician following her exposure to the goth culture and later Nirvana. Following an early Smashing Pumpkins show and a connection with Billy Corgan, opportunity beckoned and she acquired a bass guitar and learned to play.
From there it seems life happened startling quickly. Auf der Maur was brought in as a replacement for the deceased Kristen Pfaff, to a Hole already struggling with addiction and Courtney Love's mourning of Kurt Cobain. Auf der Maur was 22.
A troubled time for anyone, Love had to have all the grieving in public with her every move and action questioned. It was also when Hole was reaching a peak, their album Live Through This receiving strong press and a lengthy world tour to see it reach the masses.
Auf der Maur is clear and honest as a writer, but with a strong dose of new age spirituality as a guiding force in her life, with a more asexual approach to the rock star life. The spirituality comes out in sections labeled as dreams, but that seemed to be forecasting a possible future. It is deeply revealing of the inner struggle of fame and success, hitting some of the well known notable occasions in the career of Hole. It also offers a strong feminine perspective as the culture was shifting from alternative rock to the misogynist focus of nu-metal and the next wave of shock rock.
There is a coda that shows Auf der Maur post fame, having learned many lessons it shows the strengths of building a community and while she still has released several albums, but at an almost purposefully small scale.
Primarily focused on the period of 1994 to 2000 this book would appeal to fans of the alternative rock boom, 90s pop culture or music biographies.
I received a free digital version of this book via NetGalley thanks to the publisher.
Auf der Maur starts with a view from stage before going way back to the lives of her parents, how they met and created her in Montreal. Her father was a very public politician and writer, quiet in private life but very performative, one of the guys at the bar, always smoking. Her mother was a liberated American who left the United States out of disgust and sought her own path. Auf der Maur speaks of her unusual but supportive parents, schooling in the arts and the drive to be a musician following her exposure to the goth culture and later Nirvana. Following an early Smashing Pumpkins show and a connection with Billy Corgan, opportunity beckoned and she acquired a bass guitar and learned to play.
From there it seems life happened startling quickly. Auf der Maur was brought in as a replacement for the deceased Kristen Pfaff, to a Hole already struggling with addiction and Courtney Love's mourning of Kurt Cobain. Auf der Maur was 22.
A troubled time for anyone, Love had to have all the grieving in public with her every move and action questioned. It was also when Hole was reaching a peak, their album Live Through This receiving strong press and a lengthy world tour to see it reach the masses.
Auf der Maur is clear and honest as a writer, but with a strong dose of new age spirituality as a guiding force in her life, with a more asexual approach to the rock star life. The spirituality comes out in sections labeled as dreams, but that seemed to be forecasting a possible future. It is deeply revealing of the inner struggle of fame and success, hitting some of the well known notable occasions in the career of Hole. It also offers a strong feminine perspective as the culture was shifting from alternative rock to the misogynist focus of nu-metal and the next wave of shock rock.
There is a coda that shows Auf der Maur post fame, having learned many lessons it shows the strengths of building a community and while she still has released several albums, but at an almost purposefully small scale.
Primarily focused on the period of 1994 to 2000 this book would appeal to fans of the alternative rock boom, 90s pop culture or music biographies.
I received a free digital version of this book via NetGalley thanks to the publisher.
March 26, 2026
Never in my wildest dream could I imagined this memoir seeing the light of day.
I felt I was revisiting my teenage self in the late 90s and it brought back a sense of nostalgia for the way things were back then. How we were able the experience an analog life far removed from the constant digital one we live now. I miss the days we could walk into a music store to buy cds! Discovering a band you love was an intimate and precious thing.
In my early teens, I was such a Hole fan that even my family and friends were annoyed. I even have a tattoo to prove it! As I read the book, I realized that the only reason I started to listen to The Smashing Pumpkins was because Melissa joined the band during their Machina/ The Machines of God album/tour. They became my favourite band of all time! Within the pages you also discover the true artist that Melissa is behing all the rock music persona. She is quite an inspiration.
If you want to catch a glimpse of the 90s rock grunge scene or simply if you want to revisit those time, this memoir will blow you away.
I felt I was revisiting my teenage self in the late 90s and it brought back a sense of nostalgia for the way things were back then. How we were able the experience an analog life far removed from the constant digital one we live now. I miss the days we could walk into a music store to buy cds! Discovering a band you love was an intimate and precious thing.
In my early teens, I was such a Hole fan that even my family and friends were annoyed. I even have a tattoo to prove it! As I read the book, I realized that the only reason I started to listen to The Smashing Pumpkins was because Melissa joined the band during their Machina/ The Machines of God album/tour. They became my favourite band of all time! Within the pages you also discover the true artist that Melissa is behing all the rock music persona. She is quite an inspiration.
If you want to catch a glimpse of the 90s rock grunge scene or simply if you want to revisit those time, this memoir will blow you away.
April 25, 2026
We want to believe rock stars emerge from some primordial soup, but it always turns out they are more likely the children of extraordinary people, as is the case of Melissa Auf der Maur, who was raised by noteworthy intellectuals in Montreal. A by-the-side-of-the-stage encounter with Billy Corgan, before she ever even picked up a bass, opened the door to her career in '90s rock -- and yet, having read this book, I am pretty sure she was destined to end up doing something incredible wherever life took her. Her ability to stay grounded is shocking -- mostly sober, mostly celibate, does this woman even have a tattoo? -- and her commitment to artistic practice / analog art making is inspiring. Finally, her loyal portrait of Courtney Love is admirable and genuine. I enjoyed this book so much!
April 18, 2026
Fina memoarer från basisten som från ingenstans kastades rakt in i skärselden lagom till bandet Holes världsturné 1994 efter albumet Live Through This (det vill säga strax efter att bandets tidigare basist avlidit och hur det gick för bandledaren Courtney Loves man vet ni ju). En kaotisk period. Är man intresserad av den här musiken och eran är boken lite av ett måste.
April 26, 2026
I wanted to like this because I've been a fan of the author's music and photography for decades but I couldnt identify with anything here really because nothing really happens to them, just those around them. I respect her still standing to tell the tales but an editor could've whittled those down more for me.
April 18, 2026
Pretty interesting overall and very well written. My only real complaint is that it feels very slow and longer than it might need to be. There is fantastic insight into what it meant to be a female artist during the 90’s. I’ve always loved Melissa Auf Der Mar a ton both through her work with Hole and Smashing Pumpkins and even her solo work. It’s a great example of an introspective memoir that still provides good insight.
April 22, 2026
I've never been a Courtney Love hater, so it's nice to not hear how awful she is.
As far as MAdM, I love this book and I love her.
And the best part is her middle name is my first name AND they're pronounced the same. It's a bigger deal than you think
As far as MAdM, I love this book and I love her.
And the best part is her middle name is my first name AND they're pronounced the same. It's a bigger deal than you think
Want to Read
March 12, 2026ty hachette for the copy. i freaking love the smashing pumpkins i cant wait to see how this goes!
March 24, 2026
So glad to meet this beautiful soul
Melissa brings a pair of memory binoculars to all of us 90s kids who lived in the analog past. She feels like an old friend you saw at all the cool shows. What a great ride her life is! Thank you for sharing your magical story with the world!
Melissa brings a pair of memory binoculars to all of us 90s kids who lived in the analog past. She feels like an old friend you saw at all the cool shows. What a great ride her life is! Thank you for sharing your magical story with the world!
March 23, 2026
This is going to be a long one.
I was (and still am) a huge fan of Hole and also followed Melissa's solo career in the early 00s, but realised despite devouring music mags and interviews she did back then knew very little about her.
Here we get a peek behind the curtain of life in a rock band during the 90s, from a quiet, introspective and level headed bassist who observes the mess and destruction happening around her and manages to not lose herself amongst it all.
Of course I loved hearing her perspective on Courtney, and I feel like Melissa was honest and didn't hold back on highlighting the way Love was treated back then when going through a hell of a lot of shit but how she was also a chaotic and often hard to work with person. Reading about Melissa's friendship with Hole drummer Patty was also a highlight.
I had no idea about the whirlwind way she ended up in the band after a chance meeting with Billy Corgan and I loved reading her talk about her passion for indie culture and her love for music, photography, journaling and documenting everything.
Other stuff...
-I cried reading the incredibly moving chapter on her fathers final days
-The behind the scenes loneliness of touring and the long winded and tenuous recording of Celebrity Skin
-Feeling overpowered amongst driven, ambitious and fame hungry people
-Her side and take down of the CL/Kathleen Hanna 'fight'
-The letters Courtney wrote Melissa but especially the one where she told her beauty is meaningless without a personality or anything to say. "I like you because you're a queen not a princess. Big difference. A princess will get married off. A queen will rule and have what she needs and wants and get shit done."
-Other bands, especially Sonic Youth's treatment of CL in the wake of Kurt's death and the unexpected camaraderie from Cypress Hill.
-Dave Navarro asking Melissa if she woke up every morning feeling a connection to a higher purpose and when she said yes replying "Well, that's the difference between you and me. I feel a dark hole of disconnect every morning and I have to work ever day to make a connection. I'd I fail to do that work, drugs are an easy fix. They're a bridge to connect me to something."
It wasn't perfect for me, at times I found it a bit pretentious and contradictory, she constantly derided commercial rock, looked down on anything radio friendly and bands who had 'sold out' despite herself agreeing to be in two of the most commercially successful rock bands of the decade. In fact she originally turned down joining Hole but decided to 'for women everywhere and to change the landscape of rock'. The new age stuff wasn't for me, talk of star signs mystical dreams and cosmic callings.
She said something I consider weird: "she was an on again off again lesbian (nowadays simply called bisexual!)" It was 1998 Melissa, wtf?!
Overall though, I enjoyed it a lot. This wasn't just a 90s nostalgia memoir, it was an honest account of music and rock 'n' roll from someone who rather than being a brash, loud, attention seeking rockstar was happy to be beside the limelight and do things her way.
I was (and still am) a huge fan of Hole and also followed Melissa's solo career in the early 00s, but realised despite devouring music mags and interviews she did back then knew very little about her.
Here we get a peek behind the curtain of life in a rock band during the 90s, from a quiet, introspective and level headed bassist who observes the mess and destruction happening around her and manages to not lose herself amongst it all.
Of course I loved hearing her perspective on Courtney, and I feel like Melissa was honest and didn't hold back on highlighting the way Love was treated back then when going through a hell of a lot of shit but how she was also a chaotic and often hard to work with person. Reading about Melissa's friendship with Hole drummer Patty was also a highlight.
I had no idea about the whirlwind way she ended up in the band after a chance meeting with Billy Corgan and I loved reading her talk about her passion for indie culture and her love for music, photography, journaling and documenting everything.
Other stuff...
-I cried reading the incredibly moving chapter on her fathers final days
-The behind the scenes loneliness of touring and the long winded and tenuous recording of Celebrity Skin
-Feeling overpowered amongst driven, ambitious and fame hungry people
-Her side and take down of the CL/Kathleen Hanna 'fight'
-The letters Courtney wrote Melissa but especially the one where she told her beauty is meaningless without a personality or anything to say. "I like you because you're a queen not a princess. Big difference. A princess will get married off. A queen will rule and have what she needs and wants and get shit done."
-Other bands, especially Sonic Youth's treatment of CL in the wake of Kurt's death and the unexpected camaraderie from Cypress Hill.
-Dave Navarro asking Melissa if she woke up every morning feeling a connection to a higher purpose and when she said yes replying "Well, that's the difference between you and me. I feel a dark hole of disconnect every morning and I have to work ever day to make a connection. I'd I fail to do that work, drugs are an easy fix. They're a bridge to connect me to something."
It wasn't perfect for me, at times I found it a bit pretentious and contradictory, she constantly derided commercial rock, looked down on anything radio friendly and bands who had 'sold out' despite herself agreeing to be in two of the most commercially successful rock bands of the decade. In fact she originally turned down joining Hole but decided to 'for women everywhere and to change the landscape of rock'. The new age stuff wasn't for me, talk of star signs mystical dreams and cosmic callings.
She said something I consider weird: "she was an on again off again lesbian (nowadays simply called bisexual!)" It was 1998 Melissa, wtf?!
Overall though, I enjoyed it a lot. This wasn't just a 90s nostalgia memoir, it was an honest account of music and rock 'n' roll from someone who rather than being a brash, loud, attention seeking rockstar was happy to be beside the limelight and do things her way.
April 15, 2026
Melissa Auf der Maur writes with a whimsical spiritual quality about her early life in Montreal and her twenties as a musician in Hole and the Smashing Pumpkins. It's a fascinating retrospective of a time in rock music just before the switch from analog to digital, excesses in money, behaviour and drugs.
Auf der Maur was born into a bohemian lifestyle in Montreal to a politically active journalist father and a fiercely independent feminist mother. She attended an alternative school and focuses on creative endeavours, often accompanies her father to various bars around the city as he talks to people in his many pursuits. The early section of her memoir dedicated to her childhood is truly a love letter to Montreal.
Her rise in the nineties rock scene is purely due to chance and a deep appreciation for music. Her connection to Billy Corgan begins when she (as a fan) apologises to the band on behalf of all of Montreal when another punter piffs a beer at them during their performance. It's due to Billy that Courtney Love hears of Auf der Maur and invites her to become part of Hole. It's then she's thrust into a world of drugs and death. And probably one of the most balanced depictions of Courtney Love that most people will read.
Auf der Maur is verbose. While occasionally veering into tedium she details fascinating behind the scenes experiences with vivid language. The texture of her writing is engaging, you feel present in her recollections. It's both nostalgic and wistful. And a delight to read.
EDIT (15/04): Just remembered the weird reference to Silverchair as some sort of deliberate derivative of Nirvana. Possibly just a reference to the time but just because they were a rock three piece led by a blonde does not a Nirvana derivative make.
Auf der Maur was born into a bohemian lifestyle in Montreal to a politically active journalist father and a fiercely independent feminist mother. She attended an alternative school and focuses on creative endeavours, often accompanies her father to various bars around the city as he talks to people in his many pursuits. The early section of her memoir dedicated to her childhood is truly a love letter to Montreal.
Her rise in the nineties rock scene is purely due to chance and a deep appreciation for music. Her connection to Billy Corgan begins when she (as a fan) apologises to the band on behalf of all of Montreal when another punter piffs a beer at them during their performance. It's due to Billy that Courtney Love hears of Auf der Maur and invites her to become part of Hole. It's then she's thrust into a world of drugs and death. And probably one of the most balanced depictions of Courtney Love that most people will read.
Auf der Maur is verbose. While occasionally veering into tedium she details fascinating behind the scenes experiences with vivid language. The texture of her writing is engaging, you feel present in her recollections. It's both nostalgic and wistful. And a delight to read.
EDIT (15/04): Just remembered the weird reference to Silverchair as some sort of deliberate derivative of Nirvana. Possibly just a reference to the time but just because they were a rock three piece led by a blonde does not a Nirvana derivative make.
April 29, 2026
Read this in a day - the opening chapter hooked me in and once you get to MADM's musical career, it's an absolute rollercoaster.
As a fan of 90's alternative rock music, the stories and settings were fascinating...and terrifying. I'd hope that, 30 years later, artists would be treated better and given more emotional support and healthcare but I'm skeptical.
A fascinating read, though I did find some of the more spiritual stuff went over my head. Your enjoyment of this book may also depend on your take on MADM's writing which can be wordy (tbf she does acknowledge this early on) but I expected that going in.
At the very least, I'd recommend the sections about MADM's time in Hole - these sections are a rush and MADM comes across well as a bewildered narrator.
As a fan of 90's alternative rock music, the stories and settings were fascinating...and terrifying. I'd hope that, 30 years later, artists would be treated better and given more emotional support and healthcare but I'm skeptical.
A fascinating read, though I did find some of the more spiritual stuff went over my head. Your enjoyment of this book may also depend on your take on MADM's writing which can be wordy (tbf she does acknowledge this early on) but I expected that going in.
At the very least, I'd recommend the sections about MADM's time in Hole - these sections are a rush and MADM comes across well as a bewildered narrator.
May 1, 2026
After she left Hole, I didn’t keep up with Melissa’s career or what might have been known about her private life. The entire second half of her memoir was previously unknown to me, so I was happy, surprised and verrry interested.
I don’t judge autobiographical writing by whether or not I agree with every opinion or personal decision shared by the author—I don’t like Dave Grohl and never trusted his Golden Retriever act. To me, the 1992 (?) video where he negs Courtney in front of Kurt, implying her hair makes her face look fat, reveals his true character. His initial interaction with Melissa and later fathering a child outside of his marriage, didn’t shock me a bit.
I haven’t been able to read anything about Courtney in twenty years without seeing the misogynistic “She killed Kurt” in the comments and it’s made me bitter. Shortly before he died, Kurt floated the idea of firing Dave and no one ever asks where he was on that long ago first week of April. Just saying.
A memoir gets five stars from me if it rings true, is somewhat dishy, a little shady, and revealing enough to be vulnerable (embarrassing). This checks all of those boxes.
I don’t judge autobiographical writing by whether or not I agree with every opinion or personal decision shared by the author—I don’t like Dave Grohl and never trusted his Golden Retriever act. To me, the 1992 (?) video where he negs Courtney in front of Kurt, implying her hair makes her face look fat, reveals his true character. His initial interaction with Melissa and later fathering a child outside of his marriage, didn’t shock me a bit.
I haven’t been able to read anything about Courtney in twenty years without seeing the misogynistic “She killed Kurt” in the comments and it’s made me bitter. Shortly before he died, Kurt floated the idea of firing Dave and no one ever asks where he was on that long ago first week of April. Just saying.
A memoir gets five stars from me if it rings true, is somewhat dishy, a little shady, and revealing enough to be vulnerable (embarrassing). This checks all of those boxes.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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April 24, 20262.5 stars
It would've been better without all the childhood and hometown history. A little too long at 400 plus pages.
It would've been better without all the childhood and hometown history. A little too long at 400 plus pages.
April 29, 2026
Parts were interesting, but mostly it felt too long, self-absorbed, and pretentious. For someone claiming to be a staunch feminist and on a mission to further women in rock, she spent most of the time talking about men and making it clear she is anything but a girl’s girl. The irony seems to be lost on her. Disappointing.
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