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Artificial Suicide #1
If I Were To Die (Illustrated cover)
Life never goes as planned. Beneath our dreams and goals lies something that’s completely out of our control—fate.
At least that was how Noah Sørensen felt as he reflected on his past. His struggles. His mistakes. The happy moments, the sad ones, and, of course, him. Kaj Larsen.
They grew up together in a small town, navigating through the confusion of puberty as they figured themselves out and fell in love for the first time. But then tragedy hit, triggering a series of events that gave way to a painful end.
Until their paths cross again, toying with the thin line between attraction and hate.
It’s the worst idea ever, bound for failure and agony. Yet neither of them is strong enough to fight their most primal desires.
At least that was how Noah Sørensen felt as he reflected on his past. His struggles. His mistakes. The happy moments, the sad ones, and, of course, him. Kaj Larsen.
They grew up together in a small town, navigating through the confusion of puberty as they figured themselves out and fell in love for the first time. But then tragedy hit, triggering a series of events that gave way to a painful end.
Until their paths cross again, toying with the thin line between attraction and hate.
It’s the worst idea ever, bound for failure and agony. Yet neither of them is strong enough to fight their most primal desires.
321 pages, Paperback
Published November 11, 2024
236 people are currently reading
1844 people want to read
About the author
L.A. Cannon
6 books380 followersL.A. Cannon is a Spaniard mother of cats, mental health advocate, and music lover who could survive on nachos and ramen. When she's not isolated in her writing cave, there's a very good chance you'll find her watching movies with her partner, binging anime series, drawing, reading on her couch, or—if she can afford it—traveling around the world.
IG: @authorlacannon
IG: @authorlacannon
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 216 reviews
March 23, 2026
♾️ ⭐️
It took me 20 minutes to calm down from my RAGING SOBBING , my face is red, my eyes are red and my bf had to take a break from whatever the hell he was doing to comfort me because I was a mess, honestly I still am, not to be dramatic, but this hit me like a fucking truck.
This story was very close to me, not only because I too have experienced some things similar to this, but maybe because it felt like the author's writing was so immersive, it's like I was being told the story between friends or like looking back over sipping some wine. It felt raw and emotional, it was not trying to hide absolutely anything to me, but showing me what these people were going through, and I was going through with them as well lol. It's very fast paced, shorter but packs a punch in the best way possible.
This beautiful story is about toxic, possessive love, it's always been you type, and it will destroy you. You think you're tough and strong? Yeah no, it's gonna HIT and it's gonna STAB your heart and then it will leave you in fucking tears. But we still hold hope, because I need to know what happens, I need to know how it was processed, I will have no sleep if I don't. I LOVE LOVE LOVE these boys so much, they are now ENGRAVED in my mind. They're not the best example of a relationship by no means, but they felt as close as they could to some very real life experiences. Because relationships are messy, they hurt, you crash out, you feel empty and you cannot stop yourself from wanting.
I cannot forget about Trine, the friends group and all the great details that also resonated with me, the metal music, even the anime's mentioned here and there. This author has really spoken to my soul and she doesn't even know, she doesn't need to, but for me I have found such an amazing experience even if it made me suffer like a dog. Im dramatic but honestly I needed a good cry.
My single consolation is that book 2 is out and I can immediately pick it up as to not suffer ANYMORE potentially, but even if I suffer, maybe I will get my happiness, because omg do I need it from these boys, I want them to have everything they want and more.
"They never saw each other again. Until they did, eight years later."
EDIT: Make sure to read triggers, there's some heavy themes!!
_________
pre:read
in my MM romance era GRIND
also this series covers are stunning, the author did them HERSELF 💙💙
It took me 20 minutes to calm down from my RAGING SOBBING , my face is red, my eyes are red and my bf had to take a break from whatever the hell he was doing to comfort me because I was a mess, honestly I still am, not to be dramatic, but this hit me like a fucking truck.
This story was very close to me, not only because I too have experienced some things similar to this, but maybe because it felt like the author's writing was so immersive, it's like I was being told the story between friends or like looking back over sipping some wine. It felt raw and emotional, it was not trying to hide absolutely anything to me, but showing me what these people were going through, and I was going through with them as well lol. It's very fast paced, shorter but packs a punch in the best way possible.
This beautiful story is about toxic, possessive love, it's always been you type, and it will destroy you. You think you're tough and strong? Yeah no, it's gonna HIT and it's gonna STAB your heart and then it will leave you in fucking tears. But we still hold hope, because I need to know what happens, I need to know how it was processed, I will have no sleep if I don't. I LOVE LOVE LOVE these boys so much, they are now ENGRAVED in my mind. They're not the best example of a relationship by no means, but they felt as close as they could to some very real life experiences. Because relationships are messy, they hurt, you crash out, you feel empty and you cannot stop yourself from wanting.
I cannot forget about Trine, the friends group and all the great details that also resonated with me, the metal music, even the anime's mentioned here and there. This author has really spoken to my soul and she doesn't even know, she doesn't need to, but for me I have found such an amazing experience even if it made me suffer like a dog. Im dramatic but honestly I needed a good cry.
My single consolation is that book 2 is out and I can immediately pick it up as to not suffer ANYMORE potentially, but even if I suffer, maybe I will get my happiness, because omg do I need it from these boys, I want them to have everything they want and more.
"They never saw each other again. Until they did, eight years later."
EDIT: Make sure to read triggers, there's some heavy themes!!
_________
pre:read
in my MM romance era GRIND
also this series covers are stunning, the author did them HERSELF 💙💙
August 31, 2025
Kaj + Noah 🖤
Childhood bestfriends | Toxic | Hate sex
Gahhhh onto the next one immediately...
Glad I waited to read this one until the second book was out. The cliffhanger would have killed me.
....
What? You thought I'd wait for you?"
"I hope you had a good time because I'm gonna fucking ruin you for all the other men out there, you piece of shit."
"Are you gonna fuck me now?"
Still trying to decide if i should strangle you to death and dump your body in the river instead."
"And waste your boner? Such a shame."
....
⚠️ potential spoilers below in detailed tropes and trigger warnings
Tropes:
Childhood best friends to lovers to enemies
Mental health rep
First times
Bi awakening
Gay awakening
Demi sexual rep
Coming of age
Toxic
"What happened?" after feeling self harm scars while angrily making out
Hate fucking
Fist fight leading to sex
Snowballing
Degradation
Cum eating
Jealousy
Rough sex
Dubcon
Dirty ass eating
Dirty talk
Fighting as foreplay
Marking
"Mine"
TWs:
Ends on cliffhanger
Death of a parent
Betrayal
Mention of drunk driving
Self harm
Sex with others. But not while MCs are exclusive.
Dubcon (really pushing the line of non con) between MCs
Bareback without prior consent
Overdose
Childhood bestfriends | Toxic | Hate sex
Gahhhh onto the next one immediately...
Glad I waited to read this one until the second book was out. The cliffhanger would have killed me.
....
What? You thought I'd wait for you?"
"I hope you had a good time because I'm gonna fucking ruin you for all the other men out there, you piece of shit."
"Are you gonna fuck me now?"
Still trying to decide if i should strangle you to death and dump your body in the river instead."
"And waste your boner? Such a shame."
....
⚠️ potential spoilers below in detailed tropes and trigger warnings
Tropes:
Childhood best friends to lovers to enemies
Mental health rep
First times
Bi awakening
Gay awakening
Demi sexual rep
Coming of age
Toxic
"What happened?" after feeling self harm scars while angrily making out
Hate fucking
Fist fight leading to sex
Snowballing
Degradation
Cum eating
Jealousy
Rough sex
Dubcon
Dirty ass eating
Dirty talk
Fighting as foreplay
Marking
"Mine"
TWs:
Ends on cliffhanger
Death of a parent
Betrayal
Mention of drunk driving
Self harm
Sex with others. But not while MCs are exclusive.
Dubcon (really pushing the line of non con) between MCs
Bareback without prior consent
Overdose
November 13, 2024
~ ranting: 5 ☆
~ spice: 3 🌶
arc review
I'm still gathering my thoughts, I have no idea where to start honestly. This book broke my heart and no, it DIDN'T PUT IT TOGETHER!
L. A. Cannon I'm sending you my therapy bills for this.
We follow Noah and Kaj from childhood into their teenage years as their friendship evolves into something deeper. For a while, everything feels perfect, but as they say, all good things come to an end—A catastrophe strikes, completely turning their lives upside down. The last few chapters were especially hard for me to read; I could really feel their pain and anxiety. I just wish I could put them in my pocket and protect them against the world.
Anyway, let’s focus on the good things: I adored the found family aspect of this book. Most of the characters were so understanding and supportive. Nik and Trine friendship was everything!
This was my first book from the author and it instantly became a favorite, and now you won't get rid of me because I'm patiently waiting (not really) for the second part. They better get their HEA!
What am I supposed to do now? I wish I could reread it for the first time :(
“Say it’ll forever be us against the world.”
Noah had never seen Kaj so naked, so vulnerable. He wanted to wrap him in the softest blanket and embrace him until the day they died. Crawling up the bed, he straddled his hips and pressed a kiss to his lips to seal the promise. “Always and forever.”
I LOVE THEM, YOUR HONOR!
~ spice: 3 🌶
arc review
I'm still gathering my thoughts, I have no idea where to start honestly. This book broke my heart and no, it DIDN'T PUT IT TOGETHER!
L. A. Cannon I'm sending you my therapy bills for this.
We follow Noah and Kaj from childhood into their teenage years as their friendship evolves into something deeper. For a while, everything feels perfect, but as they say, all good things come to an end—A catastrophe strikes, completely turning their lives upside down. The last few chapters were especially hard for me to read; I could really feel their pain and anxiety. I just wish I could put them in my pocket and protect them against the world.
Anyway, let’s focus on the good things: I adored the found family aspect of this book. Most of the characters were so understanding and supportive. Nik and Trine friendship was everything!
This was my first book from the author and it instantly became a favorite, and now you won't get rid of me because I'm patiently waiting (not really) for the second part. They better get their HEA!
What am I supposed to do now? I wish I could reread it for the first time :(
“Say it’ll forever be us against the world.”
Noah had never seen Kaj so naked, so vulnerable. He wanted to wrap him in the softest blanket and embrace him until the day they died. Crawling up the bed, he straddled his hips and pressed a kiss to his lips to seal the promise. “Always and forever.”
I LOVE THEM, YOUR HONOR!
December 16, 2025
I was not mentally prepared for this level of angst and heartbreak ...
I loved Kaj and Noah, I hated Kaj and Noah.
I despised Jesper and saw what he did coming a mile off. His mother was evil too
Zach deserved better, but Mads annoyed me and I'm always going to be team Noah 😂
I also loved that this was set in Denmark! It does get frustrating when it feels like every book I read is set in America, so this was a fun change and I'd love to see more authors use locations that aren't the US.
Can't wait to see how this ends...
I loved Kaj and Noah, I hated Kaj and Noah.
I despised Jesper and saw what he did coming a mile off. His mother was evil too
Zach deserved better, but Mads annoyed me and I'm always going to be team Noah 😂
I also loved that this was set in Denmark! It does get frustrating when it feels like every book I read is set in America, so this was a fun change and I'd love to see more authors use locations that aren't the US.
Can't wait to see how this ends...
January 6, 2026
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
Tropes :
- Hurt/Comfort
- Rockstar romance
- Childhood bestfriends
- Second-chance romance
- Found family
- Battling addictions
- Traumatic events / past
- Demesexuality rep
🚩READ THE TW🚩
✨My review✨
“ If you died, I’d die with you. ”
O.M.G!! This book, these boys are going to live rent-free in my head until the day I die. Like... no, for real. I am obsessed. Did I sob like a big baby? Yes. Did I laugh and swoon? Big YES. This is the kind of book that, when you're done, you wish you could rewind time and read it for the first time all over again.
We start with Noah, who gets bullied by a bunch of kids. Kaj and his friends help and defend him, and from then on, all four are inseparable. They share the same hobbies, love for music, and later even start their own rock band. What starts as friendship for Noah slowly turns into a crush, then love. He’s shy and sweet; it takes time, but they get together and it’s just BEAUTIFUL. Teenage love has NEVER been written this well. They’re two parts of the same coin, so perfect together I actually started wondering what the hell could separate them. Like... their relationship was so strong and their chemistry so off the charts that I genuinely couldn’t see what the author could come up with to separate them.
Things can always get worse . Even after touching rock bottom , you can still plummet farther into the abyss , into that zone devoid of oxygen , where only perennial darkness remains .
Oh boy. How naive I was. Kaj and Noah go through so much that I genuinely don’t know how they survived. My heart broke so many times for both of them that I don’t know if I’ll ever get rid of that sadness clinging to me at the end of book 1. Despite the fact that the big plot twists and events happen while they’re still teenagers, the author manages to write them realistically without making it awkward or childish. We were given a lot of clues about what would happen, but somehow, blinded by their wholesome and happy relationship, I missed them. I was surprised when it happened, and my heart broke for Kaj so hard I had to take a break.
Their families and friends only added to the story; they didn’t feel like side characters written just to fill pages or make their surroundings feel alive. Each one was well-crafted, had a purpose, but also their own story and personality. I’m actually super curious about their lives, since we go through quite a few time skips, and I’d love to see more of them.
Once they reunite, the toxic chemistry and relationship they both have is both dangerous and irresistible. As you read, you can feel how badly it’s all going to turn out, yet you secretly can’t stop hoping they’ll find their way back to each other because that’s how perfect and good they are. Kaj will annoy you—maybe Noah too—because you just want to shake them and make them realize they’re wasting precious time together.
The two things that bothered me a little were Theo’s and Val’s reactions once they reunite with Kaj. I understand that they love him deeply too, but after the mess Noah was, and the truth all three of them believed... it feels a bit unrealistic that they’d forgive and talk to him the first time they meet again. I was very hurt for Noah tbh.
The second thing was the sex on page with other people. We were warned, and I get that this is a personal preference, but it truly didn’t add to the story to read about it... aside from maybe Noah’s case, since he’s demisexual and needs more than just lust to sleep with someone.
If we talk about the spice... GOD. So hot and toxic, but just so perfect and sweet. I was sweating. All those hate/angry make-out and sex sessions were genuinely the hottest I’ve read in a very long time.
AND THE ENDING. That’s criminal. We need to know what happens!! Thank god book two is out.
Was he ready to let go of the crutch that had helped him walk since they broke up ? It was foreign to still be hurting over a future he never got to live while feeling like the scars weren’t so red and swollen anymore .
🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
Tropes :
- Hurt/Comfort
- Rockstar romance
- Childhood bestfriends
- Second-chance romance
- Found family
- Battling addictions
- Traumatic events / past
- Demesexuality rep
🚩READ THE TW🚩
✨My review✨
“ If you died, I’d die with you. ”
O.M.G!! This book, these boys are going to live rent-free in my head until the day I die. Like... no, for real. I am obsessed. Did I sob like a big baby? Yes. Did I laugh and swoon? Big YES. This is the kind of book that, when you're done, you wish you could rewind time and read it for the first time all over again.
We start with Noah, who gets bullied by a bunch of kids. Kaj and his friends help and defend him, and from then on, all four are inseparable. They share the same hobbies, love for music, and later even start their own rock band. What starts as friendship for Noah slowly turns into a crush, then love. He’s shy and sweet; it takes time, but they get together and it’s just BEAUTIFUL. Teenage love has NEVER been written this well. They’re two parts of the same coin, so perfect together I actually started wondering what the hell could separate them. Like... their relationship was so strong and their chemistry so off the charts that I genuinely couldn’t see what the author could come up with to separate them.
Things can always get worse . Even after touching rock bottom , you can still plummet farther into the abyss , into that zone devoid of oxygen , where only perennial darkness remains .
Oh boy. How naive I was. Kaj and Noah go through so much that I genuinely don’t know how they survived. My heart broke so many times for both of them that I don’t know if I’ll ever get rid of that sadness clinging to me at the end of book 1. Despite the fact that the big plot twists and events happen while they’re still teenagers, the author manages to write them realistically without making it awkward or childish. We were given a lot of clues about what would happen, but somehow, blinded by their wholesome and happy relationship, I missed them. I was surprised when it happened, and my heart broke for Kaj so hard I had to take a break.
Their families and friends only added to the story; they didn’t feel like side characters written just to fill pages or make their surroundings feel alive. Each one was well-crafted, had a purpose, but also their own story and personality. I’m actually super curious about their lives, since we go through quite a few time skips, and I’d love to see more of them.
Once they reunite, the toxic chemistry and relationship they both have is both dangerous and irresistible. As you read, you can feel how badly it’s all going to turn out, yet you secretly can’t stop hoping they’ll find their way back to each other because that’s how perfect and good they are. Kaj will annoy you—maybe Noah too—because you just want to shake them and make them realize they’re wasting precious time together.
The two things that bothered me a little were Theo’s and Val’s reactions once they reunite with Kaj. I understand that they love him deeply too, but after the mess Noah was, and the truth all three of them believed... it feels a bit unrealistic that they’d forgive and talk to him the first time they meet again. I was very hurt for Noah tbh.
The second thing was the sex on page with other people. We were warned, and I get that this is a personal preference, but it truly didn’t add to the story to read about it... aside from maybe Noah’s case, since he’s demisexual and needs more than just lust to sleep with someone.
If we talk about the spice... GOD. So hot and toxic, but just so perfect and sweet. I was sweating. All those hate/angry make-out and sex sessions were genuinely the hottest I’ve read in a very long time.
AND THE ENDING. That’s criminal. We need to know what happens!! Thank god book two is out.
Was he ready to let go of the crutch that had helped him walk since they broke up ? It was foreign to still be hurting over a future he never got to live while feeling like the scars weren’t so red and swollen anymore .
November 24, 2024
Noah and Kai are heartbreakingly beautiful together. Their story is both emotional and very moving as they navigate their complicated relationship, which has many ups and downs over the course of the story. I could not get enough of their codependent dynamic, which made me feel everything as I kept waiting for a light at the end of their tunnel.
This is a compelling story that leaves you gasping in awe and shock. I cannot wait for the next entry and see how the pieces are put back together.
This is a compelling story that leaves you gasping in awe and shock. I cannot wait for the next entry and see how the pieces are put back together.
November 16, 2024
Rating: 5
Emotions: 5
MCs: 5
Spice: 4
If I Were to Die by L.A. Cannon is the first book in the Artificial Suicide duet.
To say I fell in love with Noah and Kaj is an understatement. I lived and breathed Noah and Kaj while I was reading their story, so much so that they became real to me. I laughed and cried with them. I was hurt and heartbroken, because this book doesn't shy away from diving deep into the hard stuff. This is without a doubt what I admire most about L.A. Cannon's storytelling. She's not afraid to put her characters through the wringer and embrace all the raw emotions they feel. Content warnings are not to be taken lightly, be gentle with yourself.
One thing that made this book so special for me was having the chance to meet Kaj and Noah when they were just kids and watch their friendship grow into love. How often have you had the chance to get to know the MCs in a book in such depth? Seeing them young and innocent made their downfall as young adults even more devastating.
The sex scenes were perfectly in tune with the different stages of Noah and Kaj's relationship. Their teenage exploration was sweet, awkward and enthusiastic, only to turn into something dark, aggressive and animalistic as they reached adulthood. I've always been the type of reader who puts high importance on steam, and I can't stress enough that If I Were to Die delivered big time on that front. Both in terms of quantity and quality.
And that ending was like a bomb that fell from the sky and devastated everything in its path. And it left an echo that continued to resonate with me so long after I'd read the last few lines. If I Were to Die didn't put me back together, and I wouldn't have it any other way. This book is one of the most compelling I've read in my entire life and my favorite of 2024.
I have to give a special mention to Zach who I also fell in love with. He was beautiful inside and out and was a total boyfriend goal. It's rare that a supporting character catches my eye so much. He deserves his own book!
I am so ready to hurt even more in Would You Die With Me? and to finally see my boys reach their HEA. It will be hard won.
Emotions: 5
MCs: 5
Spice: 4
If I Were to Die by L.A. Cannon is the first book in the Artificial Suicide duet.
To say I fell in love with Noah and Kaj is an understatement. I lived and breathed Noah and Kaj while I was reading their story, so much so that they became real to me. I laughed and cried with them. I was hurt and heartbroken, because this book doesn't shy away from diving deep into the hard stuff. This is without a doubt what I admire most about L.A. Cannon's storytelling. She's not afraid to put her characters through the wringer and embrace all the raw emotions they feel. Content warnings are not to be taken lightly, be gentle with yourself.
One thing that made this book so special for me was having the chance to meet Kaj and Noah when they were just kids and watch their friendship grow into love. How often have you had the chance to get to know the MCs in a book in such depth? Seeing them young and innocent made their downfall as young adults even more devastating.
The sex scenes were perfectly in tune with the different stages of Noah and Kaj's relationship. Their teenage exploration was sweet, awkward and enthusiastic, only to turn into something dark, aggressive and animalistic as they reached adulthood. I've always been the type of reader who puts high importance on steam, and I can't stress enough that If I Were to Die delivered big time on that front. Both in terms of quantity and quality.
And that ending was like a bomb that fell from the sky and devastated everything in its path. And it left an echo that continued to resonate with me so long after I'd read the last few lines. If I Were to Die didn't put me back together, and I wouldn't have it any other way. This book is one of the most compelling I've read in my entire life and my favorite of 2024.
I have to give a special mention to Zach who I also fell in love with. He was beautiful inside and out and was a total boyfriend goal. It's rare that a supporting character catches my eye so much. He deserves his own book!
I am so ready to hurt even more in Would You Die With Me? and to finally see my boys reach their HEA. It will be hard won.
November 24, 2024
"He didn’t know it at the time, but that’s exactly where his downfall began. With a pair of beautiful blue eyes and a crooked smile. That damn smile."
I don't know where to start with this heart-wrenching read from L.A. Cannon - I guess with the fact that If I Were To Die is part 1 in a duet, so there is no HEA in this one and you're left with a gut-churning cliffhanger. But we are promised a HEA in book 2!
You absolutely need to read If I Were To Die if you're all about the angst and pitch black DARK themes and alllll the emotional first times. Plus allll the spice (including borderline non-con).
"God! Noah hated this guy. He hated his gorgeous face, broad shoulders, ripped forearms, and perfect lips. Hated that after so long he still knew exactly what to say or do to ruffle his feathers. Hated the way he dragged some syllables and how his voice made him feel. So, he kissed his stupid mouth roughly to shut him up."
If you're up for all that then I strongly encourage you to dive in and fall desperately in love (and in angst) with Noah and Kaj.....
What To Expect:
🖤Childhood best friends to lovers to enemies to.....
🖤Dark themes
🖤Grief and loss
🖤First times
🖤Bi-awakening
🖤Found family
🖤ALL THE ANGST
🖤ALL THE STEAM
🖤Dub con/non con
🖤Second chances lost
🖤No HEA (book 1 of 2)
It was tough to read at times but I loved it.
5 stars
I don't know where to start with this heart-wrenching read from L.A. Cannon - I guess with the fact that If I Were To Die is part 1 in a duet, so there is no HEA in this one and you're left with a gut-churning cliffhanger. But we are promised a HEA in book 2!
You absolutely need to read If I Were To Die if you're all about the angst and pitch black DARK themes and alllll the emotional first times. Plus allll the spice (including borderline non-con).
"God! Noah hated this guy. He hated his gorgeous face, broad shoulders, ripped forearms, and perfect lips. Hated that after so long he still knew exactly what to say or do to ruffle his feathers. Hated the way he dragged some syllables and how his voice made him feel. So, he kissed his stupid mouth roughly to shut him up."
If you're up for all that then I strongly encourage you to dive in and fall desperately in love (and in angst) with Noah and Kaj.....
What To Expect:
🖤Childhood best friends to lovers to enemies to.....
🖤Dark themes
🖤Grief and loss
🖤First times
🖤Bi-awakening
🖤Found family
🖤ALL THE ANGST
🖤ALL THE STEAM
🖤Dub con/non con
🖤Second chances lost
🖤No HEA (book 1 of 2)
It was tough to read at times but I loved it.
5 stars
January 23, 2026
4.2 ⭐️
spice: 🌶️🌶️🌶️.5/5
format: ebook
i’m gonna be so honest, i spent like 80% of the time reading this story questioning if i hated it. this book is third person pov—which really isn’t my favorite—but is also only told from noah’s perspective, and i had a really hard time connecting with him. i felt like he was very unlikeable after he and kaj broke up the first time. and i didn’t really get into the story until they started up their little frenemies with benefits relationship.
but i guess when it finally hit, it HIT. i couldn’t put it down and their back and forth had me glued to the edge of my seat. and the cliffhanger? l.a. cannon, you sadist.
crossing my fingers book two is in kaj’s pov though, because i just always have a soft spot for misunderstood red flag characters like him. either way, i anticipate that the second part is going to ruin me.
spice: 🌶️🌶️🌶️.5/5
format: ebook
i’m gonna be so honest, i spent like 80% of the time reading this story questioning if i hated it. this book is third person pov—which really isn’t my favorite—but is also only told from noah’s perspective, and i had a really hard time connecting with him. i felt like he was very unlikeable after he and kaj broke up the first time. and i didn’t really get into the story until they started up their little frenemies with benefits relationship.
but i guess when it finally hit, it HIT. i couldn’t put it down and their back and forth had me glued to the edge of my seat. and the cliffhanger? l.a. cannon, you sadist.
crossing my fingers book two is in kaj’s pov though, because i just always have a soft spot for misunderstood red flag characters like him. either way, i anticipate that the second part is going to ruin me.
November 3, 2024
i finished this, it’s definitely 5 stars… but at what cost?
i can’t wait for book two 😭😭😭
~
november 3rd - update now that i’ve had time to process and write my thoughts.
this is the type of book i usually wouldn’t be able to finish (not because it’s not good, this was amazing) but i’m not someone who loves angst at all, this book is pretty much all angst? with that being said.. this book brought out so many emotions while i was reading it, had me thinking about the characters all night and even into this morning i am discussing it with some other books friends and it’s truly emotion provoking. this is definitely a perfect setup for book two & any book that can bring out this amount of emotions will always be a 5 star to me, not to mention i just love these characters so much. the writing is freaking amazing, i can’t wait to see this relationship within the second book, now im kicking and stomping my feet because I NEED IT. 🫠
thank you l.a cannon for this arc, i am truly invested.
i can’t wait for book two 😭😭😭
~
november 3rd - update now that i’ve had time to process and write my thoughts.
this is the type of book i usually wouldn’t be able to finish (not because it’s not good, this was amazing) but i’m not someone who loves angst at all, this book is pretty much all angst? with that being said.. this book brought out so many emotions while i was reading it, had me thinking about the characters all night and even into this morning i am discussing it with some other books friends and it’s truly emotion provoking. this is definitely a perfect setup for book two & any book that can bring out this amount of emotions will always be a 5 star to me, not to mention i just love these characters so much. the writing is freaking amazing, i can’t wait to see this relationship within the second book, now im kicking and stomping my feet because I NEED IT. 🫠
thank you l.a cannon for this arc, i am truly invested.
December 29, 2024
What the hell.
For starters not alerting readers beyond saying “book 1” that your book is a series with a continuous story and the same characters is a real shitty move. I hate when authors don’t tell you that the book is going to end on a cliffhanger, it’s bad form.
Secondly, I don’t care what the author put in their content warning, the last sex scene, that ended in a cliffhanger, was rape.
Noah literally begged Kaj to stop, he tried to crawl away from him, he was crying and repeatedly telling Kaj to stop and he wouldn’t.
Dubcon this was not. It was just rape.
This whole scene ruined any ounce of appeal I had for this story or these characters, there’s really no reason for me to read any follow up with these two since I’m just not going to be able to believe any love story that moves past literal rape.
I liked Noah but his feelings about basically everything were always dismissed and Kaj was just horrible. Obviously what happened to him with his step brother was awful but I don’t see how he could redeem himself now.
83 reviews and no one mentions this, it’s wild, I don’t know how this book has 4.5 stars.
For starters not alerting readers beyond saying “book 1” that your book is a series with a continuous story and the same characters is a real shitty move. I hate when authors don’t tell you that the book is going to end on a cliffhanger, it’s bad form.
Secondly, I don’t care what the author put in their content warning, the last sex scene, that ended in a cliffhanger, was rape.
Noah literally begged Kaj to stop, he tried to crawl away from him, he was crying and repeatedly telling Kaj to stop and he wouldn’t.
Dubcon this was not. It was just rape.
This whole scene ruined any ounce of appeal I had for this story or these characters, there’s really no reason for me to read any follow up with these two since I’m just not going to be able to believe any love story that moves past literal rape.
I liked Noah but his feelings about basically everything were always dismissed and Kaj was just horrible. Obviously what happened to him with his step brother was awful but I don’t see how he could redeem himself now.
83 reviews and no one mentions this, it’s wild, I don’t know how this book has 4.5 stars.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 16, 2025
4.5⭐️ 3🌶️
📝 REVIEW & THOUGHTS:
Wow. I don’t know what to say. I’m not really meshing well with the writing style (more below), but the story in itself is raw, gripping and painful. Still, I was thinking about this book this morning as soon as I woke up, and had to get up to finish it. So that’s gotta mean something.
I was not expecting the angst to be this high. The angst is next level crazy.
Jumping to read book two immediately cause that cliffhanger needs solving.
We follow the characters in three different timelines, although in book one we mainly get the first two of when they were kids and early teenagers, then late teens. The adult timeline will be in book two.
About the writing style, this is what I wrote while I was reading it, although towards the end it got better. Maybe I was somehow able to adjust to the different style or I dunno, different day different feels? But it still feels right to share this because that’s how I felt while reading like 60-70% of the book:
Read this only if you’re prepared for high level of angst, trauma and pain.
🏷️ TROPES & TAGS (possible spoilers):
Genre/subgenre: contemporary dark romance
Pairing: MM
POV: 3rd person, most of the book is in Noah’s POV.
Angst: incredibly high (sky is the limit)
Burn: medium
Vibe/mood: sweet initially, then dark, toxic, raw and painful
Pet names: baby
HEA: not in this book
Childhood-best-friends-to-lovers-to-enemies-to-f*ck buddies-to-nothing-to-lovers
Sweet love turned tox!c
Second chance romance (more like third chance…)
Mixed Asian MC
Coming of age
Found family
Introvert MC
Pining
Unrequited love vibes
Demi MC
Jealousy, “mine”
Rock band / then rockstar
Trauma, trauma, trauma
🌶️ SPICE & K!NKS (possible spoilers):
Strict top/bottom or versatile: vers initially but top/bottom later (it’s complicated…)
Heat: 10 scenes, medium-high heat
Dry hump!ng
Frott!ng
BJs
H@te s*x
Rough s*x
S*x in semi-public places
Bareback (forc*d)
Degradation
D!rty talk
Breath play/chok!ng
⚠️ CONTENT WARNINGS (possible spoilers):
(Read at your own risk because it’s FULL of SPOILERS)
Dubcon: yes (between MCs-on page)
Noncon: yes (between MCs-on page)
Dr*g and alcoh0l abuse
Underage dr!nking
Smok!ng
Bully!ng on MC when he was a k!d (not between MCs)
References to parents dea@th (sickness and accident-off page)
References to grandparent de@th (depiction of Alzheimer-off page)
Neglecting step-parent
Hom0phobic slurs
Rac!st slurs
Grief
Depression
Anxiety
Cheating (MC1 cheated on MC2 with subsequent breakup) - but really it was s*xual abuse of teenager, but MC2 doesn’t know (on page!)
MC2 has other s*xual relations with another man (exclusive f*ck buddies) (spice on page)
MC1 has another boyfriend when he meets MC2 years later (open relationship while he f*cks MC2)
MC2 cheats on the exclusive f*ck buddy (has s*x with MC1)
Guilt
V!olence
Mentions of self-h@rm
💬 QUOTES (possible spoilers):
* Fyi about 🌶️ levels: I rate spice on a combination of quantity, quality, length, intensity and explicitness of the scenes. K!nks are listed separately and generally do not directly affect the steam level to keep it fair for non k!nky books.
📝 REVIEW & THOUGHTS:
“If I were to die, would you miss me?”
Wow. I don’t know what to say. I’m not really meshing well with the writing style (more below), but the story in itself is raw, gripping and painful. Still, I was thinking about this book this morning as soon as I woke up, and had to get up to finish it. So that’s gotta mean something.
I was not expecting the angst to be this high. The angst is next level crazy.
Jumping to read book two immediately cause that cliffhanger needs solving.
We follow the characters in three different timelines, although in book one we mainly get the first two of when they were kids and early teenagers, then late teens. The adult timeline will be in book two.
About the writing style, this is what I wrote while I was reading it, although towards the end it got better. Maybe I was somehow able to adjust to the different style or I dunno, different day different feels? But it still feels right to share this because that’s how I felt while reading like 60-70% of the book:
A lot of telling not showing. Almost feels like there’s a third narrator, writing felt distant because of this. It felt like I was watching them through a window instead of being in their heads. There were continuous time jumps that felt a little weird to me how they were handled.
Although I kept reading because I was really hooked on what was going on. The story in itself is gripping, although with the writing style I didn’t feel it in my heart, if it makes sense? If I could’ve connected more with the writing style, this book would’ve been heart wrenching. It may be for you if you don’t have the same issue with the style as me.
Read this only if you’re prepared for high level of angst, trauma and pain.
🏷️ TROPES & TAGS (possible spoilers):
Genre/subgenre: contemporary dark romance
Pairing: MM
POV: 3rd person, most of the book is in Noah’s POV.
Angst: incredibly high (sky is the limit)
Burn: medium
Vibe/mood: sweet initially, then dark, toxic, raw and painful
Pet names: baby
HEA: not in this book
Childhood-best-friends-to-lovers-to-enemies-to-f*ck buddies-to-nothing-to-lovers
Sweet love turned tox!c
Second chance romance (more like third chance…)
Mixed Asian MC
Coming of age
Found family
Introvert MC
Pining
Unrequited love vibes
Demi MC
Jealousy, “mine”
Rock band / then rockstar
Trauma, trauma, trauma
🌶️ SPICE & K!NKS (possible spoilers):
Strict top/bottom or versatile: vers initially but top/bottom later (it’s complicated…)
Heat: 10 scenes, medium-high heat
Dry hump!ng
Frott!ng
BJs
H@te s*x
Rough s*x
S*x in semi-public places
Bareback (forc*d)
Degradation
D!rty talk
Breath play/chok!ng
⚠️ CONTENT WARNINGS (possible spoilers):
(Read at your own risk because it’s FULL of SPOILERS)
Dubcon: yes (between MCs-on page)
Noncon: yes (between MCs-on page)
Dr*g and alcoh0l abuse
Underage dr!nking
Smok!ng
Bully!ng on MC when he was a k!d (not between MCs)
References to parents dea@th (sickness and accident-off page)
References to grandparent de@th (depiction of Alzheimer-off page)
Neglecting step-parent
Hom0phobic slurs
Rac!st slurs
Grief
Depression
Anxiety
Cheating (MC1 cheated on MC2 with subsequent breakup) - but really it was s*xual abuse of teenager, but MC2 doesn’t know (on page!)
MC2 has other s*xual relations with another man (exclusive f*ck buddies) (spice on page)
MC1 has another boyfriend when he meets MC2 years later (open relationship while he f*cks MC2)
MC2 cheats on the exclusive f*ck buddy (has s*x with MC1)
Guilt
V!olence
Mentions of self-h@rm
💬 QUOTES (possible spoilers):
“Then, Noah did the unthinkable. He lifted his head and kissed him. It barely lasted two seconds, but it was enough for him to understand why he felt so different from his friends some days. Why he never felt attracted to girls. Why he felt so possessive of his friend.”
“If I were to die, would you miss me?”
“I don’t like it when someone touches what’s mine in front of me. Period.” A horde of butterflies set on fire in Noah’s stomach. “Are you claiming me now?” “For the time being, yes.” And all the butterflies died.
“It was Noah’s fault for being his anchor and his greatest source of pain.”
* Fyi about 🌶️ levels: I rate spice on a combination of quantity, quality, length, intensity and explicitness of the scenes. K!nks are listed separately and generally do not directly affect the steam level to keep it fair for non k!nky books.
November 12, 2024
5 ★
They were drowning in the things they never said.
When L.A. Cannon started teasing this book and the different tropes, I knew I would love every second of it. What I wasn't anticipating was that it would be a book that would end up sticking around in my brain non-stop since I read it. Of course in true L.A. Cannon style, it was heartwrenching and full of real emotion, so I was devastated and torn apart, particularly with the ending. The ending alone was enough to make me cry ugly tears and put me in a slump!
This author has a way of writing in the most epic and poetic way, and I felt like I was immersed in their story from right alongside them. Kaj and Noah were the most beautiful characters, and witnessing them growing and experiencing life was bittersweet. There was not a moment where I could put the book down and I have an aching empty hole inside me because of it! Overall this was a masterpiece and I am waiting not so patiently for the next book so I can be whole again.
What To Expect:
⨳ MM Romance
⨳ Coming of Age
⨳ All the Angst Possible
⨳ Found Family
⨳ Friends to Lovers to Enemies to Lovers
⨳ Cliffhanger
You were nothing but a bad habit.
❤︎ ARC provided in exchange for an honest review ❤︎
They were drowning in the things they never said.
When L.A. Cannon started teasing this book and the different tropes, I knew I would love every second of it. What I wasn't anticipating was that it would be a book that would end up sticking around in my brain non-stop since I read it. Of course in true L.A. Cannon style, it was heartwrenching and full of real emotion, so I was devastated and torn apart, particularly with the ending. The ending alone was enough to make me cry ugly tears and put me in a slump!
This author has a way of writing in the most epic and poetic way, and I felt like I was immersed in their story from right alongside them. Kaj and Noah were the most beautiful characters, and witnessing them growing and experiencing life was bittersweet. There was not a moment where I could put the book down and I have an aching empty hole inside me because of it! Overall this was a masterpiece and I am waiting not so patiently for the next book so I can be whole again.
What To Expect:
⨳ MM Romance
⨳ Coming of Age
⨳ All the Angst Possible
⨳ Found Family
⨳ Friends to Lovers to Enemies to Lovers
⨳ Cliffhanger
You were nothing but a bad habit.
❤︎ ARC provided in exchange for an honest review ❤︎
December 21, 2024
I just finished and I'm so not ready for the book to be over. I'm going to be in agony waiting for the rest of Noah & Kaj's story. I feel like I just got off of an insane roller coaster ride. Loved every single second of it. These boys!! I can't get enough. Friends to lovers then enemies to lovers. My brain is exploding!
July 4, 2025
Rating: 3.85 ⭐
ARC review.
"If I Were To Die" is the first installment in the Artificial Suicide duet. It's the first book I read by L.A Cannon, and to say I was impressed with the author writing’s style would be an understatement. I literally devoured this book.
It’s not easy to write this review, without spoilers, to be honest. I have a lot of thoughts regarding the ending (that ending, what the fuck?), but I’ll try my best now that I’m more clearheaded.
First of all, I love how the author portrayed the parents in the book, especially Noah’s mom, Trine. It's so rare to see great representation of parents in romance books, so I strongly appreciate how the relationship between mother and son was handled.
Second, I’m also impressed by how much the characters were so fleshed out. You like them, you laugh with them, and ultimately you kind of hate them at some point. Because, let’s be honest, both main characters pissed me off at the end – I wanted to strangle them, I’m not joking! 😂
Noah and Kaj’s love story is very emotional. I love the beginning of their story, how they met and the progress in their relationship! It was so wholesome! But, of course, it didn’t stay that way. My heart broke for both of them, especially for Kaj because I knew from the start what was going on, given the clues we had about his behavior. I just wished he had been more…supported by his friends. But I can’t really blame Noah and the others. I didn’t expect the angst to hit this hard at the end, though. My heart is still broken.
The thing that bothered me the most is probably the “sex with others on page”. I was warned so I wasn’t surprised when it happened (I really appreciate the author for putting that in the content warnings!), but I truly don’t think it was that necessary to show us these scenes on page…but again, that’s purely a preference of mine.
Now, let’s talk about the big elephant in the room: what was that ending? I need book two, like right now! I’m really scared (and excited) for Noah and Kaj, because I just know they’re going to break my heart in the next book. AGAIN.
I need the boys happy together. I need Kaj to ask for the help he didn’t get when he was a child. I need Noah to stand up more for himself. The author said on IG that he’ll become morally grey…I’m eagerly waiting for this change, you had no idea! 😋
“If you died, I’d die with you.”
ARC review.
"If I Were To Die" is the first installment in the Artificial Suicide duet. It's the first book I read by L.A Cannon, and to say I was impressed with the author writing’s style would be an understatement. I literally devoured this book.
It’s not easy to write this review, without spoilers, to be honest. I have a lot of thoughts regarding the ending (that ending, what the fuck?), but I’ll try my best now that I’m more clearheaded.
First of all, I love how the author portrayed the parents in the book, especially Noah’s mom, Trine. It's so rare to see great representation of parents in romance books, so I strongly appreciate how the relationship between mother and son was handled.
Second, I’m also impressed by how much the characters were so fleshed out. You like them, you laugh with them, and ultimately you kind of hate them at some point. Because, let’s be honest, both main characters pissed me off at the end – I wanted to strangle them, I’m not joking! 😂
Noah and Kaj’s love story is very emotional. I love the beginning of their story, how they met and the progress in their relationship! It was so wholesome! But, of course, it didn’t stay that way. My heart broke for both of them, especially for Kaj because I knew from the start what was going on, given the clues we had about his behavior. I just wished he had been more…supported by his friends. But I can’t really blame Noah and the others. I didn’t expect the angst to hit this hard at the end, though. My heart is still broken.
The thing that bothered me the most is probably the “sex with others on page”. I was warned so I wasn’t surprised when it happened (I really appreciate the author for putting that in the content warnings!), but I truly don’t think it was that necessary to show us these scenes on page…but again, that’s purely a preference of mine.
Now, let’s talk about the big elephant in the room: what was that ending? I need book two, like right now! I’m really scared (and excited) for Noah and Kaj, because I just know they’re going to break my heart in the next book. AGAIN.
I need the boys happy together. I need Kaj to ask for the help he didn’t get when he was a child. I need Noah to stand up more for himself. The author said on IG that he’ll become morally grey…I’m eagerly waiting for this change, you had no idea! 😋
“If you died, I’d die with you.”
November 2, 2024
To review this book fairly, I need to divide it into two parts. During high school and after high school. So here goes...
During high school - I LOVED these boys. From the second they became friends, Kaj and Noah seemed meant to be. The love they shared was beautiful, and I was rooting for them all the way. Both boys were the kind of friends we all wish to have, making memories, sharing dreams, and growing together. At least they were all these things until they weren't.
After high school - I HATED these boys immensely. Each for a very different reason. I despised the way Kaj treated Noah, and I hated Noah for not standing up for himself and for letting Kaj treat him so badly. I wanted him to make Kaj take responsibility and show some remorse for his behaviour.
I live for books that pull extreme reactions out of me. And LA Cannon has done that so well with this story. It's clear there is more going on for Kaj, and I had my suspicions quite early on as to what that may be.
⭐️ I can not wait for the second book ⭐️
⚠️ I would like to stress to anyone about to read this book to check the Trigger Warnings and approach with definite caution. There were parts that made me feel very uncomfortable, and I feel anyone with specific types of trauma may be negatively affected by this. Please make yourself a priority and seek help if you need it ⚠️
I hope we don't have to wait too long to find out Kaj's and Noah's future. I really want them to find peace, and redeem themselves to me. Come on, boys, I know you can
During high school - I LOVED these boys. From the second they became friends, Kaj and Noah seemed meant to be. The love they shared was beautiful, and I was rooting for them all the way. Both boys were the kind of friends we all wish to have, making memories, sharing dreams, and growing together. At least they were all these things until they weren't.
After high school - I HATED these boys immensely. Each for a very different reason. I despised the way Kaj treated Noah, and I hated Noah for not standing up for himself and for letting Kaj treat him so badly. I wanted him to make Kaj take responsibility and show some remorse for his behaviour.
I live for books that pull extreme reactions out of me. And LA Cannon has done that so well with this story. It's clear there is more going on for Kaj, and I had my suspicions quite early on as to what that may be.
⭐️ I can not wait for the second book ⭐️
⚠️ I would like to stress to anyone about to read this book to check the Trigger Warnings and approach with definite caution. There were parts that made me feel very uncomfortable, and I feel anyone with specific types of trauma may be negatively affected by this. Please make yourself a priority and seek help if you need it ⚠️
I hope we don't have to wait too long to find out Kaj's and Noah's future. I really want them to find peace, and redeem themselves to me. Come on, boys, I know you can
February 7, 2026
qué manera de romper mi corazón en pedazos, hace mucho no terminaba un libro de mm llorando.
varias páginas me hicieron llorar, la muerte del padre de kaj, el abuso sexual, y luego ver cómo el amor y la amistad de dos chicos terminaba destrozada.
no esperaba sentir tanto con este libro, necesito tiempo para procesar todo lo que generó en mi ser
varias páginas me hicieron llorar, la muerte del padre de kaj, el abuso sexual, y luego ver cómo el amor y la amistad de dos chicos terminaba destrozada.
no esperaba sentir tanto con este libro, necesito tiempo para procesar todo lo que generó en mi ser
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 15, 2025
Easiest 5 stars this year. This book has me in a chokehold. I love angsty books and this one delivered. Holy shit.
In the first part we are following teenage Kaj and Noah. We see them meet, become best friends, form a passion for music, and watch as their feelings grow into young love. It was all so very sweet and perfect and then BAM. Fairytale ends. I won’t go into what causes them to part ways but please do check the TWs!!
A few years later these two reconnect and they are not at all their old selves. When I tell you the complicated, toxic, and obsessive relationship these two find themselves in?!?! I was glued to the pages. And their chemistry?! 🥵🥵
I have no idea where L.A. Cannon is going to take us in the next book because these boys have a LOT to overcome. But I am here for every second of this bumpy ride (it’s going to get worse I fear).
This book (duet) is already in the running for one of my top books of 2025. It is super angsty, emotional, second chance, hurt/comfort perfection.
In the first part we are following teenage Kaj and Noah. We see them meet, become best friends, form a passion for music, and watch as their feelings grow into young love. It was all so very sweet and perfect and then BAM. Fairytale ends. I won’t go into what causes them to part ways but please do check the TWs!!
A few years later these two reconnect and they are not at all their old selves. When I tell you the complicated, toxic, and obsessive relationship these two find themselves in?!?! I was glued to the pages. And their chemistry?! 🥵🥵
I have no idea where L.A. Cannon is going to take us in the next book because these boys have a LOT to overcome. But I am here for every second of this bumpy ride (it’s going to get worse I fear).
This book (duet) is already in the running for one of my top books of 2025. It is super angsty, emotional, second chance, hurt/comfort perfection.
January 6, 2026
“If I were to die, would you miss me?” Kaj asked
Noah frowned “What are you talking about? I miss you every time we’re not together. Don’t even joke about that.”
“But... would you move on and be happy with someone else if I weren’t here?”
Scooting closer to him, Noah touched his forehead to Kaj’s temple “If you died, I’d die with you.”
Okay, what the hell?!?! I wasn’t expecting this book to be as good as it was. I literally couldn’t put it down, like at all. I mean, it wasn’t exactly anything new, but I am so hooked on these characters and their story that I don’t even care. Yeah… I’m getting the second book immediately.
I can’t explain what Noah and Kaj did to me. In the first half of the book, we see this cute relationship develop between them, this beautiful love. But then, after a really painful heartbreak—where I wanted to scream at Noah to look deeper into what was happening and at Kaj that it was okay to ask for help—we see a very different and toxic relationship develop when they meet again. And still, I couldn’t help but be there for every single second they had together. The hot-as-hell tension, the chemistry, the angst and their complete inability to stay away from each other… ugh, I loved it. Toxic? Well, of course. But I don’t care, because I think in this first book we’ve seen the ugly. I’m not saying everything will be perfect in the second one, but I do expect more emotions out in the open, especially from Kaj.
“Say it’ll forever be us against the world.” Noah had never seen Kaj so naked, so vulnerable. He wanted to wrap him in the softest blanket and embrace him until the day they died. Crawling up the bed, he straddled his hips and pressed a kiss to his lips to seal the promise. “Always and forever.”
“He didn’t know it at the time, but that’s exactly where his downfall began. With a pair of beautiful blue eyes and a crooked smile. That damn smile.”
“It was Noah’s fault for being his anchor and his greatest source of pain.”
“There was no way he’d hate that man when the most beautiful period of his life until that horrible day had been the time he’d spent with him. Nothing after Kaj had ever come close to the peace and freedom he had provided. Every inch of his skin was mapped in Noah’s palms, his lips, and his fucking heart.”
On a happier note, I absolutely loved Theo and Val. Their friendship with Noah, and even with Kaj after everything that happened, was so special to see. Also, Zach won me over immediately. I really hope he gets a book because I love him, and he definitely deserved better than getting tangled up in the Noah and Kaj mess. As for Mads… I don’t hate him. I actually feel sorry for him, but no offense—can he please go away, respectfully?
You have to check the TWs, because there are two scenes in particular that are rough to witness. And I can’t say I’m happy with the last interaction Noah and Kaj had. You can see Noah trying to maybe justify it by describing his body’s reaction, but that doesn’t excuse or erase Kaj’s actions at all. And I have to say, I didn’t fully understand the prologue until I finished the book, and wow… it hits so different when you read Kaj’s thoughts and understand what he was referring to. So yeah… please check the TWs.
“He belonged to Kaj, always had, and always would. But he would never be entirely his. It was obvious in the emotional distance he kept. In the emptiness of his beautiful gaze. In the invisible scars that were impossible to hide. Kaj was broken and wanted him to know, but he wasn’t ready to let him in again. They were drowning in the things they never said. And while Noah still loved him, while the sole idea of separating from him physically hurt, he couldn’t stay to see him annihilate whatever good memories were left of them.”
Quotes worth mentioning:
“What? You thought I’d wait for you?”
Kaj fisted Noah’s hair at its roots and added a third finger into his ass. “I hope you had a good time because”—his movements became rougher—“I’m gonna fucking ruin you for all other men out there, you piece of shit.”
“Yeah?” Noah moaned, not even trying to hide how damn turned on he was. “Do you actually have what it takes to fuck me like you own me?”
“Are you gonna fuck me now?”
“Still trying to decide if I should strangle you to death and dump your body in the river instead.”
“And waste your boner?” It was massive, pressed against Noah’s flesh. “Such a shame.”
Noah frowned “What are you talking about? I miss you every time we’re not together. Don’t even joke about that.”
“But... would you move on and be happy with someone else if I weren’t here?”
Scooting closer to him, Noah touched his forehead to Kaj’s temple “If you died, I’d die with you.”
Okay, what the hell?!?! I wasn’t expecting this book to be as good as it was. I literally couldn’t put it down, like at all. I mean, it wasn’t exactly anything new, but I am so hooked on these characters and their story that I don’t even care. Yeah… I’m getting the second book immediately.
I can’t explain what Noah and Kaj did to me. In the first half of the book, we see this cute relationship develop between them, this beautiful love. But then, after a really painful heartbreak—where I wanted to scream at Noah to look deeper into what was happening and at Kaj that it was okay to ask for help—we see a very different and toxic relationship develop when they meet again. And still, I couldn’t help but be there for every single second they had together. The hot-as-hell tension, the chemistry, the angst and their complete inability to stay away from each other… ugh, I loved it. Toxic? Well, of course. But I don’t care, because I think in this first book we’ve seen the ugly. I’m not saying everything will be perfect in the second one, but I do expect more emotions out in the open, especially from Kaj.
“Say it’ll forever be us against the world.” Noah had never seen Kaj so naked, so vulnerable. He wanted to wrap him in the softest blanket and embrace him until the day they died. Crawling up the bed, he straddled his hips and pressed a kiss to his lips to seal the promise. “Always and forever.”
“He didn’t know it at the time, but that’s exactly where his downfall began. With a pair of beautiful blue eyes and a crooked smile. That damn smile.”
“It was Noah’s fault for being his anchor and his greatest source of pain.”
“There was no way he’d hate that man when the most beautiful period of his life until that horrible day had been the time he’d spent with him. Nothing after Kaj had ever come close to the peace and freedom he had provided. Every inch of his skin was mapped in Noah’s palms, his lips, and his fucking heart.”
On a happier note, I absolutely loved Theo and Val. Their friendship with Noah, and even with Kaj after everything that happened, was so special to see. Also, Zach won me over immediately. I really hope he gets a book because I love him, and he definitely deserved better than getting tangled up in the Noah and Kaj mess. As for Mads… I don’t hate him. I actually feel sorry for him, but no offense—can he please go away, respectfully?
You have to check the TWs, because there are two scenes in particular that are rough to witness. And I can’t say I’m happy with the last interaction Noah and Kaj had. You can see Noah trying to maybe justify it by describing his body’s reaction, but that doesn’t excuse or erase Kaj’s actions at all. And I have to say, I didn’t fully understand the prologue until I finished the book, and wow… it hits so different when you read Kaj’s thoughts and understand what he was referring to. So yeah… please check the TWs.
“He belonged to Kaj, always had, and always would. But he would never be entirely his. It was obvious in the emotional distance he kept. In the emptiness of his beautiful gaze. In the invisible scars that were impossible to hide. Kaj was broken and wanted him to know, but he wasn’t ready to let him in again. They were drowning in the things they never said. And while Noah still loved him, while the sole idea of separating from him physically hurt, he couldn’t stay to see him annihilate whatever good memories were left of them.”
Quotes worth mentioning:
“What? You thought I’d wait for you?”
Kaj fisted Noah’s hair at its roots and added a third finger into his ass. “I hope you had a good time because”—his movements became rougher—“I’m gonna fucking ruin you for all other men out there, you piece of shit.”
“Yeah?” Noah moaned, not even trying to hide how damn turned on he was. “Do you actually have what it takes to fuck me like you own me?”
“Are you gonna fuck me now?”
“Still trying to decide if I should strangle you to death and dump your body in the river instead.”
“And waste your boner?” It was massive, pressed against Noah’s flesh. “Such a shame.”
April 17, 2025
4.5⭐️
“If I were to die, would you miss me?” Kaj asked, his voice hoarse and strained, as if he were making the greatest effort to avoid crying.
Scooting closer to him, Noah touched his forehead to Kaj’s temple. “If you died, I’d die with you.”
So… when is the second book coming out? Because THAT can’t be their ending.
“I love you, Noah.”
“You mean, like—”
“Like I’m madly in love with you.”
Special mention to Val, this man carried and was always calling everyone out on their shit.
“He just had a rough year. That’s all.”
“But it’s been a year...” Noah felt horrible for saying this out loud, but he couldn’t bite his tongue any longer.
“You can’t put a timeline on how long it takes someone to heal.” Val told him.
“That’s why I don’t do relationships,” Theo quipped.
“That, and because they can’t stand you.”
LOUDER PLS, I couldn’t stand him either and Noah was… wait, what did Kaj call him? 'A self-absorbed bastard' yes, that’s what he was, and a coward too, couldn’t even communicate or LISTEN to him, you love him? You care about him? THEN ACT LIKE IT AND STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF!! It was giving Elena Gilbert fr. Kaj and Zach deserved better.
“What is it, then? Resentment? Hatred? Jealousy?”
“As if. You were nothing but a bad habit.”
Now this scene was so hilarious
“Okay, so what’s he talking about?” Theo asked
“Noah and I are dating.”
“Who?”
Val snorted.
“Each other,” Kaj clarified.
Theo blinked fast several times, looking back and forth between him and Noah. “Are you for real?”
“Yeah,” Noah said.
“Since when?”
“Thanks,” Val said. “I asked them the same thing when I caught them making out in the bathroom, and they never answered.”
“Shut up,” Kaj told him. “And since Christmas.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You’ve been doing gay things behind our backs for almost five months?” Theo screeched, and when they thought he might not be as open-minded as Val, he said, “Who sucks it better? Girls or Noah?”
Patiently waiting for the second book
“If I were to die, would you miss me?” Kaj asked, his voice hoarse and strained, as if he were making the greatest effort to avoid crying.
Scooting closer to him, Noah touched his forehead to Kaj’s temple. “If you died, I’d die with you.”
So… when is the second book coming out? Because THAT can’t be their ending.
“I love you, Noah.”
“You mean, like—”
“Like I’m madly in love with you.”
Special mention to Val, this man carried and was always calling everyone out on their shit.
“He just had a rough year. That’s all.”
“But it’s been a year...” Noah felt horrible for saying this out loud, but he couldn’t bite his tongue any longer.
“You can’t put a timeline on how long it takes someone to heal.” Val told him.
“That’s why I don’t do relationships,” Theo quipped.
“That, and because they can’t stand you.”
LOUDER PLS, I couldn’t stand him either and Noah was… wait, what did Kaj call him? 'A self-absorbed bastard' yes, that’s what he was, and a coward too, couldn’t even communicate or LISTEN to him, you love him? You care about him? THEN ACT LIKE IT AND STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF!! It was giving Elena Gilbert fr. Kaj and Zach deserved better.
“What is it, then? Resentment? Hatred? Jealousy?”
“As if. You were nothing but a bad habit.”
Now this scene was so hilarious
“Okay, so what’s he talking about?” Theo asked
“Noah and I are dating.”
“Who?”
Val snorted.
“Each other,” Kaj clarified.
Theo blinked fast several times, looking back and forth between him and Noah. “Are you for real?”
“Yeah,” Noah said.
“Since when?”
“Thanks,” Val said. “I asked them the same thing when I caught them making out in the bathroom, and they never answered.”
“Shut up,” Kaj told him. “And since Christmas.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You’ve been doing gay things behind our backs for almost five months?” Theo screeched, and when they thought he might not be as open-minded as Val, he said, “Who sucks it better? Girls or Noah?”
Patiently waiting for the second book
October 7, 2025
I swear, sometimes it gets really hard to defend certain authors. Seeing people give 5 stars to this book? It genuinely kills me inside a little. So let’s get straight to the point.
Anyone—and I mean ANYONE—who knows the band Bad Omens will immediately realize that this book is nothing more than a thinly veiled fanfic about Noah Sebastian. The author doesn’t even try to hide it. The main character is named Noah Sorensen. The fictional band is called Artificial Suicide. There’s even a song titled White Noise. Oh, and Noah is half-Japanese.
Gee, I wonder who that could be about?
Now, as someone who writes—and who has a degree in literature—I understand that inspiration comes from everywhere. Writers pull from the world around them. That’s normal. But this? This isn’t “inspired by.” This is using a real person’s likeness, story, and trauma without permission, and that crosses a major line.
Let me be blunt: fans like this are exactly why Bad Omens barely interact on stage anymore. Why they no longer do meet & greets. Why they’ve had to set boundaries with their fanbase. Can you imagine being a musician, deciding to check out a book, and realizing it’s essentially about you—and not just about you, but about you being abused, and that abuse being justified by the author like it’s some noble path to healing?
This isn’t just fanfiction. It’s invasive. It’s obsessive. It’s disturbing.
There’s a difference between being a fan and projecting your fantasies onto a real person’s life. This book doesn’t blur that line—it obliterates it. It’s more than just trash writing (and yes, the writing itself is weak). It’s ethically gross, and it shouldn’t be on a platform like Amazon where it’s sold as commercial fiction.
If you're a writer, do better. If you're a reader, think critically. And if you're a fan, please—PLEASE—respect the people you claim to admire.
Because this? This isn't admiration. It's entitlement disguised as art.
Anyone—and I mean ANYONE—who knows the band Bad Omens will immediately realize that this book is nothing more than a thinly veiled fanfic about Noah Sebastian. The author doesn’t even try to hide it. The main character is named Noah Sorensen. The fictional band is called Artificial Suicide. There’s even a song titled White Noise. Oh, and Noah is half-Japanese.
Gee, I wonder who that could be about?
Now, as someone who writes—and who has a degree in literature—I understand that inspiration comes from everywhere. Writers pull from the world around them. That’s normal. But this? This isn’t “inspired by.” This is using a real person’s likeness, story, and trauma without permission, and that crosses a major line.
Let me be blunt: fans like this are exactly why Bad Omens barely interact on stage anymore. Why they no longer do meet & greets. Why they’ve had to set boundaries with their fanbase. Can you imagine being a musician, deciding to check out a book, and realizing it’s essentially about you—and not just about you, but about you being abused, and that abuse being justified by the author like it’s some noble path to healing?
This isn’t just fanfiction. It’s invasive. It’s obsessive. It’s disturbing.
There’s a difference between being a fan and projecting your fantasies onto a real person’s life. This book doesn’t blur that line—it obliterates it. It’s more than just trash writing (and yes, the writing itself is weak). It’s ethically gross, and it shouldn’t be on a platform like Amazon where it’s sold as commercial fiction.
If you're a writer, do better. If you're a reader, think critically. And if you're a fan, please—PLEASE—respect the people you claim to admire.
Because this? This isn't admiration. It's entitlement disguised as art.
April 21, 2025
"If I Were to Die" by L.A. Cannon is the first book in the "Artificial Suicide" duet.
It’s been a total emotional rollercoaster, raw, visceral and I seriously can’t find the right words to describe how much I loved this book. Everything it made me feel, how beautifully written it is, and the way L.A. Cannon doesn’t just have you reading a story, but living it, feeling every emotion, every twist, like it's all happening to you.
From the very first pages, we’re introduced to Noah, an 11-year-old boy who finds a new family in Kaj and his crew (Val and Theo). Through Noah’s perspective, we follow along as the years pass, watching them grow, seeing how their relationships develop, and how their worlds change.
The relationship between Noah and Kaj is so sweet, but also complicated, just like every love story worth reading. As they explore their feelings for each other, a bunch of traumatic events happen, making things even more complicated.
The plot twists I didn’t see coming, the tough situations that shake up the dynamic between Noah and Kaj, the back-and-forth, the passage of time... it all weaves together so naturally and powerfully that you won’t be able to put the book down for a second.
The ending is heartbreaking, with a cliffhanger that shatters your soul and leaves you breathless, but also makes every page of the book worth its weight in gold. The wait for the second book is gonna be so, so long!! But I’m holding on to the hope that Noah & Kaj will finally get their well deserved HEA.
It’s been a total emotional rollercoaster, raw, visceral and I seriously can’t find the right words to describe how much I loved this book. Everything it made me feel, how beautifully written it is, and the way L.A. Cannon doesn’t just have you reading a story, but living it, feeling every emotion, every twist, like it's all happening to you.
From the very first pages, we’re introduced to Noah, an 11-year-old boy who finds a new family in Kaj and his crew (Val and Theo). Through Noah’s perspective, we follow along as the years pass, watching them grow, seeing how their relationships develop, and how their worlds change.
The relationship between Noah and Kaj is so sweet, but also complicated, just like every love story worth reading. As they explore their feelings for each other, a bunch of traumatic events happen, making things even more complicated.
The plot twists I didn’t see coming, the tough situations that shake up the dynamic between Noah and Kaj, the back-and-forth, the passage of time... it all weaves together so naturally and powerfully that you won’t be able to put the book down for a second.
The ending is heartbreaking, with a cliffhanger that shatters your soul and leaves you breathless, but also makes every page of the book worth its weight in gold. The wait for the second book is gonna be so, so long!! But I’m holding on to the hope that Noah & Kaj will finally get their well deserved HEA.
November 2, 2024
L.A. is back with a new rockstar romance & I 👏🏻 am 👏🏻 here 👏🏻 for 👏🏻 it 👏🏻
Get the tissues ready it’s going to be a bumpy ride!! The prologue is set in 2017 & kicks you right in the feels, LA starts the story with a time jump backwards that centres around how Noah & Kaj first came into each others lives. As well as traversing the confusion of growing up, and everything that comes with it including understanding their own sexuality, & emotions & just living their best teenage lives.
Then comes the first tragedy to rock the boys world and the cracks start to form in the foundation of their relationship, and from there on the cracks get deeper until the foundation breaks in two. (Hope you’ve got those tissues handy!)
What comes next is just visceral, emotionally charged, set of circumstances that brings Noah & Kaj back into each other’s orbits.
This book has all given me all the feels, from laughter, tears, anger, hurt & heart wrenching sorrow!
I’ve said one, twice a thousand times L.A has the insane ability to get you right in the feels with her ability to make you fall in love with her characters & route for them, no matter how much you want to reach into the book & slap them! I know the second half of this duet is gonna break my heart even more, before she puts it back together again!! L.A. girl! you gotta stop doing this to me 🥹🥹 I don’t think my heart can take it.
Shout out for the Dark Omens references!
Get the tissues ready it’s going to be a bumpy ride!! The prologue is set in 2017 & kicks you right in the feels, LA starts the story with a time jump backwards that centres around how Noah & Kaj first came into each others lives. As well as traversing the confusion of growing up, and everything that comes with it including understanding their own sexuality, & emotions & just living their best teenage lives.
Then comes the first tragedy to rock the boys world and the cracks start to form in the foundation of their relationship, and from there on the cracks get deeper until the foundation breaks in two. (Hope you’ve got those tissues handy!)
What comes next is just visceral, emotionally charged, set of circumstances that brings Noah & Kaj back into each other’s orbits.
This book has all given me all the feels, from laughter, tears, anger, hurt & heart wrenching sorrow!
I’ve said one, twice a thousand times L.A has the insane ability to get you right in the feels with her ability to make you fall in love with her characters & route for them, no matter how much you want to reach into the book & slap them! I know the second half of this duet is gonna break my heart even more, before she puts it back together again!! L.A. girl! you gotta stop doing this to me 🥹🥹 I don’t think my heart can take it.
Shout out for the Dark Omens references!
November 15, 2024
Hello??? The dramaaaaaa???
Oh man I ate this book up!!! I have been SLUMPING it lately and this book definitely helped me get out of my slump. The angst was everything I needed and more. Kaj and Noah’s story is a wild ride you guys. Honestly it’s that way from the very beginning! These too go thru so much. The story starts off with them at a young age. You get to see their relationship form but you also get to see how their relationship ends. I absolutely cannot wait for the next book to see where the rest of this story goes!!! Noah and Kaj deserve their happy ending and oh man I hope they get it!
Oh man I ate this book up!!! I have been SLUMPING it lately and this book definitely helped me get out of my slump. The angst was everything I needed and more. Kaj and Noah’s story is a wild ride you guys. Honestly it’s that way from the very beginning! These too go thru so much. The story starts off with them at a young age. You get to see their relationship form but you also get to see how their relationship ends. I absolutely cannot wait for the next book to see where the rest of this story goes!!! Noah and Kaj deserve their happy ending and oh man I hope they get it!
November 17, 2024
4.5. Ouchhhhh my emotions
March 15, 2025
It was really good until it wasn’t. So glad everybody loved this book. Noah was my fav and I would do anything to have a guy like him in my life. Kaj on the other hand. No thanks 🤷🏽♀️
November 24, 2024
Wow, I’m left pretty speechless at the end of this story. It isn’t quite what I was expecting to read and it left me craving more and heartbroken and raging at the injustice of it all and totally and irrevocably in love with Kaj and Noah. This story is a rollercoaster of emotions as these boys grow into men, a true coming of age story full of first love, true connections, tragedy and heartbreak. It is full of hot AF steamy scenes that are primal and aggressive (towards the end) and the earlier steamy scenes are exploratory and timid and sweet. Kaj and Noah’s love as young boys is adorable and pure but life definitely taints these boys, especially Kaj. I don’t want to go into any of the story cause I don’t want to give away spoilers, but I gotta say, this is only the beginning of their story. I didn’t love where it ended cause I’m usually at least an HFN person, but I get it, I get why this story was left where it was, and honestly it was more realistic and organic how their story started, guilted and didn’t really end. This story is pure, gritty, devastating and angsty. I really can’t wait to see where these two end up and how all the pain is going to be mended, to see how these two get their HEA. It was phenomenal and well written. The characters are real, they are deep and they are beautifully broken. I loved it. And it definitely left me feeling addicted. I devoured this book so fast and now I’m gonna have to sit over here and wait…well I won’t say patiently cause I don’t think I am all that patient, want it now, now, now. Kaj and Noah have sewn themselves on my soul.
February 21, 2026
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5
First off, let me just say that I ADORE L.A. Cannons style of writing and could not put this book down! She had a way of really painting clear pictures of places that I've never been before and creating characters that feel like real people. I really love the way she crafted moments that felt so visceral - which again speaks to how amazing a writer this author is.
I won't give any spoilers, and I'm sure you've read the description (duh), but here's some key tropes in this book:
Broken boys
Coming of age
Best friends to lovers to enemies with benefits
Slow burn
Kaj and Noah's story spans from their adolescence (11 years old) into their 20s. From innocent grade school moments to awkward teenage years of first times & conversations no one EVER wanted to have with their parents! Into young adulthood where your life choices suddenly become your own and some of the ones you make are just plain stupid (live and learn - am I right?!) This is a slow burner, and let me tell you, it will get you right in your feels. I laughed, I wanted to yell, I was hopeful, I got frustrated... ALL the feels!
The cast of characters is broad and well fleshed out. Some are AWESOME, and some you just wanna see crash and burn. These boys took me on a rollercoaster ride! The story is viewed through Noahs perspective, but I can't count the number of times I craved a glimpse into Kajs take on things along the way. There is some HEAVY subject matter in this book!
And that ending?! I. CANNOT. EVEN. Do yourself a favour and READ THIS BOOK. If you have a TBR list 100 books long and found yourself here instead of choosing one of them, good lord, CHOOSE THIS BOOK!
This was my first foray into the L.A. Cannon-verse, and I was NOT disappointed! I need book 2 of this series like YESTERDAY.
First off, let me just say that I ADORE L.A. Cannons style of writing and could not put this book down! She had a way of really painting clear pictures of places that I've never been before and creating characters that feel like real people. I really love the way she crafted moments that felt so visceral - which again speaks to how amazing a writer this author is.
I won't give any spoilers, and I'm sure you've read the description (duh), but here's some key tropes in this book:
Broken boys
Coming of age
Best friends to lovers to enemies with benefits
Slow burn
Kaj and Noah's story spans from their adolescence (11 years old) into their 20s. From innocent grade school moments to awkward teenage years of first times & conversations no one EVER wanted to have with their parents! Into young adulthood where your life choices suddenly become your own and some of the ones you make are just plain stupid (live and learn - am I right?!) This is a slow burner, and let me tell you, it will get you right in your feels. I laughed, I wanted to yell, I was hopeful, I got frustrated... ALL the feels!
The cast of characters is broad and well fleshed out. Some are AWESOME, and some you just wanna see crash and burn. These boys took me on a rollercoaster ride! The story is viewed through Noahs perspective, but I can't count the number of times I craved a glimpse into Kajs take on things along the way. There is some HEAVY subject matter in this book!
And that ending?! I. CANNOT. EVEN. Do yourself a favour and READ THIS BOOK. If you have a TBR list 100 books long and found yourself here instead of choosing one of them, good lord, CHOOSE THIS BOOK!
This was my first foray into the L.A. Cannon-verse, and I was NOT disappointed! I need book 2 of this series like YESTERDAY.
November 13, 2024
Kaj • Noah (!!!)
….
“He didn’t know it at the time, but that’s exactly where his downfall began. With a pair of beautiful blue eyes and a crooked smile.”
.
“If I were to die, would you miss me?”
….
It could have been so simple. But fate had a different plan for these two. If you know me, I thrive on books like these. The ones that pull the rawness out. I love them with my all, no surface was untouched. I am sitting here and writing this with a heavy heart for them two. Yes, this one broke me. There is so many things I would love to jumble down in this review, rave, spoil, scream it all out but my heart is yelling “keep it in, keep it in…” that always happens when a book becomes important to me, yet my mind is screaming at you all “go, go experience, take a leap with an open mind…”
We start off with a young love, so free, so innocent… an important love. A love that shapes us. Something so intimate. We go through a life changing event that sets in mention the heartbreak of it all. Something that broke me into a million little pieces and guarded these two beautiful boys and caged their hearts in. What comes next is a visceral connection like no other. An explosion of emotions. Denial, so much bitterness and worst of them all fear and silence. Yet the undeniable dependence crushes the walls build over the years slowly down and then raises even faster higher up. Will one finally ask and listen, will the other be able to trust again. Will it be - no matter what. At the end of it all, with my heart wide open… I had only one question… “If I Were To Die - Would You Die With Me?”
This book screamed out to me so loudly everytime L.A Cannon started teasing us about it. And now I need the next one like my next breath.
….
Rain City Drive - Frozen
.
Too Close To Touch, Bad Omens - Novocaine
.
Dermot Kennedy - Couldn’t Tell
….
“…but it had always been them against the world. It was supposed to be them, always and forever.” // “It’d destroyed the chemistry in his brain only to reconstruct it in such a way that he barely recognized his own heart. Had it always beat so wildly?” // “It’s the way you look at me. I-I think I like it.” // “Can you hug me?” // “But most importantly, from now on, you’ll be the only one.” // “This road, full of cracks and turns, was just the start of Kaj’s descent into the abyss.” // “The reason his smile didn’t reach his eyes, and his laughter didn’t get to a painful point anymore had a first and last name, and they were both branded on his heart…” // “…it felt as though they were alone and he was about to devour his soul.” // “…and he was questioning every decision he had made.” // “Kaj was a glitch in the universe. A fucking black hole. No matter how dangerous or how hard you tried to ignore him, nothing, not even light, could escape the pull of his gravity.” // “I dare you to tell me I’m wrong.” // “And now... the boost of serotonin Kaj had offered felt like a thousand cuts.” …
….
*I reviewed a complimentary copy of this book. All thoughts are my own.
….
….
“He didn’t know it at the time, but that’s exactly where his downfall began. With a pair of beautiful blue eyes and a crooked smile.”
.
“If I were to die, would you miss me?”
….
It could have been so simple. But fate had a different plan for these two. If you know me, I thrive on books like these. The ones that pull the rawness out. I love them with my all, no surface was untouched. I am sitting here and writing this with a heavy heart for them two. Yes, this one broke me. There is so many things I would love to jumble down in this review, rave, spoil, scream it all out but my heart is yelling “keep it in, keep it in…” that always happens when a book becomes important to me, yet my mind is screaming at you all “go, go experience, take a leap with an open mind…”
We start off with a young love, so free, so innocent… an important love. A love that shapes us. Something so intimate. We go through a life changing event that sets in mention the heartbreak of it all. Something that broke me into a million little pieces and guarded these two beautiful boys and caged their hearts in. What comes next is a visceral connection like no other. An explosion of emotions. Denial, so much bitterness and worst of them all fear and silence. Yet the undeniable dependence crushes the walls build over the years slowly down and then raises even faster higher up. Will one finally ask and listen, will the other be able to trust again. Will it be - no matter what. At the end of it all, with my heart wide open… I had only one question… “If I Were To Die - Would You Die With Me?”
This book screamed out to me so loudly everytime L.A Cannon started teasing us about it. And now I need the next one like my next breath.
….
Rain City Drive - Frozen
.
Too Close To Touch, Bad Omens - Novocaine
.
Dermot Kennedy - Couldn’t Tell
….
“…but it had always been them against the world. It was supposed to be them, always and forever.” // “It’d destroyed the chemistry in his brain only to reconstruct it in such a way that he barely recognized his own heart. Had it always beat so wildly?” // “It’s the way you look at me. I-I think I like it.” // “Can you hug me?” // “But most importantly, from now on, you’ll be the only one.” // “This road, full of cracks and turns, was just the start of Kaj’s descent into the abyss.” // “The reason his smile didn’t reach his eyes, and his laughter didn’t get to a painful point anymore had a first and last name, and they were both branded on his heart…” // “…it felt as though they were alone and he was about to devour his soul.” // “…and he was questioning every decision he had made.” // “Kaj was a glitch in the universe. A fucking black hole. No matter how dangerous or how hard you tried to ignore him, nothing, not even light, could escape the pull of his gravity.” // “I dare you to tell me I’m wrong.” // “And now... the boost of serotonin Kaj had offered felt like a thousand cuts.” …
….
*I reviewed a complimentary copy of this book. All thoughts are my own.
….
December 6, 2024
This book should have come with a warning label that says: 'Be aware emotional damage guaranteed'. As much as it hurt to read it at moments, I wouldn't change a thing. The range of different emotions I've experienced throughout this story is unreal.
The plot and characters were beautifully written. In this instalment, we see all the life events from Noah's perspective.
We get a chance to know these boys from quite young age (pre-teen). Noah, as the new kid in town, is not having it easy. He is often picked up on and bullied by others. One day, things change when unexpectedly, a boy named Kaj stands up for him. From that moment, it was clear these two would be best friends. Noah wasn't alone anymore. Along with Kaj, the two other boys quickly became his friends, too.
Life was easy, but kids turned into teenagers' hormones began to buzz, and things started to change. Noah was conflicted and couldn't understand his own feelings, but with time, it was getting more obvious that he started to look at Kaj more than a friend. The slow build-up from their friendship to being much more was very subtle and realistic, and I love all these precious monents between them.
Unfortunately, with the big tragedy hitting Kaj, another shift is coming.
You have that horrible feeling that something bad will happen and hearts will be broken. When everything falls apart, it hurts. You feel both of their pain, and there is that bugging feeling that there are a lot of unspoken truths we have yet to learn about.
It will be some time when the guys crosses thuer paths again, and nothing will be the same. The change of the dynamics between them will be drastic, and Kaj is not the same person we know from the start of the book.
Their later relationship won't be the healthiest you can even say toxic. But there is that pull between them that no matter how much they try to hate each other, it's impossible to stay away. I believe they are soulmates who just lost their way, and I can't wait until they finally be on the right course again.
Please be aware that the book ends on the cliffhanger, and there is no hea for them yet.
I honestly can't wait for book 2, where we will be inside Kaj's head. I have so many questions, and my heart is full of hope.
The plot and characters were beautifully written. In this instalment, we see all the life events from Noah's perspective.
We get a chance to know these boys from quite young age (pre-teen). Noah, as the new kid in town, is not having it easy. He is often picked up on and bullied by others. One day, things change when unexpectedly, a boy named Kaj stands up for him. From that moment, it was clear these two would be best friends. Noah wasn't alone anymore. Along with Kaj, the two other boys quickly became his friends, too.
Life was easy, but kids turned into teenagers' hormones began to buzz, and things started to change. Noah was conflicted and couldn't understand his own feelings, but with time, it was getting more obvious that he started to look at Kaj more than a friend. The slow build-up from their friendship to being much more was very subtle and realistic, and I love all these precious monents between them.
Unfortunately, with the big tragedy hitting Kaj, another shift is coming.
You have that horrible feeling that something bad will happen and hearts will be broken. When everything falls apart, it hurts. You feel both of their pain, and there is that bugging feeling that there are a lot of unspoken truths we have yet to learn about.
It will be some time when the guys crosses thuer paths again, and nothing will be the same. The change of the dynamics between them will be drastic, and Kaj is not the same person we know from the start of the book.
Their later relationship won't be the healthiest you can even say toxic. But there is that pull between them that no matter how much they try to hate each other, it's impossible to stay away. I believe they are soulmates who just lost their way, and I can't wait until they finally be on the right course again.
Please be aware that the book ends on the cliffhanger, and there is no hea for them yet.
I honestly can't wait for book 2, where we will be inside Kaj's head. I have so many questions, and my heart is full of hope.
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