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Before I Am Erased
They expected a woman like me to disappear quietly. I chose the opposite.
I’m 64. Ethiopian by birth. American by necessity. And I’ve been called many Revolutionary. Refugee. Doctor. Mother. Liar. Lover. Ghost.
Parkinson’s is hijacking my body one tremor at a time, but my mind is still sharp. Before it steals anything else, I'm taking it all my story, my silence, my name. And I’m finally facing what I left buried...a child I lost, and a son who tried to bury me.
Through it all, there’s still laughter—sisters who coax me into reckless road trips and drag me to sip-and-paint (don’t ask about the bananas and eggplants). This is the year I finally say yes to risk, pleasure, and the woman I smothered just to survive.
I’m not here to be pitied.
I’m here to outlive every lie.
I’m 64. Ethiopian by birth. American by necessity. And I’ve been called many Revolutionary. Refugee. Doctor. Mother. Liar. Lover. Ghost.
Parkinson’s is hijacking my body one tremor at a time, but my mind is still sharp. Before it steals anything else, I'm taking it all my story, my silence, my name. And I’m finally facing what I left buried...a child I lost, and a son who tried to bury me.
Through it all, there’s still laughter—sisters who coax me into reckless road trips and drag me to sip-and-paint (don’t ask about the bananas and eggplants). This is the year I finally say yes to risk, pleasure, and the woman I smothered just to survive.
I’m not here to be pitied.
I’m here to outlive every lie.
218 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 15, 2025
5 people are currently reading
12 people want to read
About the author
Cheril N. Clarke
35 books27 followersRaised in Miami and now living in southern New Jersey, Cheril N. Clarke is the author of five novels, Foundations: A Novel of New Beginnings (2001), Different Trees from the Same Root (2003), Intimate Chaos (2005), Tainted Destiny (2006), and Losing Control (2009) and one play, Intimate Chaos. She has been featured in Curve Magazine, the nation's best selling lesbian magazine, The Princeton Packet, Philadelphia Gay News (PGN), About.com, Out IN Jersey, EURweb, Burlington County Times, Clik magazine, Phillyburbs.com, 247gay.com, Femmenoinre.net, as well as Crain's New York Business newspaper, among others. Her opinion columns have been featured by the National Black Justice Coalition. Clarke has also published poems, short stories and reviews of hip-hop spoken word theater in various literary magazines. Her editorial work has appeared in About Magazine, GayWired.com and on 247gay.com. Clarke was a keynote speaker at an African Asian Latina Lesbians United conference and has performed at events organized by African American Lesbians United for Societal Change.
She is currently working on her fifth novel, a political drama and the screenplay for "Intimate Chaos."
She is currently working on her fifth novel, a political drama and the screenplay for "Intimate Chaos."
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Displaying 1 of 1 review
September 18, 2025
Before I am Erased
Cheril N. Clarke
Makeda Bekele is a woman who has lived many lives. The physical manifestation of who she is has evolved several times in the six decades of her life. At this juncture, she is faced with the inevitability of her mortality. While advancing in age is something we wish for, the possibility of physical and cognitive decline is never at the forefront of our mind’s eye. Makeda is faced with the opportunity to tell her story truthfully and in her own words, before it’s too late.
With the backing of her most beloved friends. She enters a new phase of her life. One where she gives herself permission to voice the words left in silence. She does give herself moments of reprieve. While a lot of her journey involves reflection, she tries to balance that with fun experiences.
To simply put it life is convoluted in a lot of ways. The very moment she thought she made a version of herself that she can rely on steadily, she had to make modifications. These changes were forced to be made way before she was ready. Any version of herself that she thought would stay forever, never does.
It’s this constant dance of highlights and low lights of life. Literally, nothing last forever and in the same moment, the experiences of both joy and madness can be visibly present. In the third quarter of her life, she chooses to address the past with her son and her position in motherhood. Tiptoeing around estrangement is exhausting, but she finds a balance between resolution and redemption. There are no easy fixes.
She learns more and more each day how gratifying it is to stand in her own truth. Another person’s comfortability or happiness does not supersede her own.
#readandtellwithshantel #BeforeIAmErased #CherilNClarke
Cheril N. Clarke
Makeda Bekele is a woman who has lived many lives. The physical manifestation of who she is has evolved several times in the six decades of her life. At this juncture, she is faced with the inevitability of her mortality. While advancing in age is something we wish for, the possibility of physical and cognitive decline is never at the forefront of our mind’s eye. Makeda is faced with the opportunity to tell her story truthfully and in her own words, before it’s too late.
With the backing of her most beloved friends. She enters a new phase of her life. One where she gives herself permission to voice the words left in silence. She does give herself moments of reprieve. While a lot of her journey involves reflection, she tries to balance that with fun experiences.
To simply put it life is convoluted in a lot of ways. The very moment she thought she made a version of herself that she can rely on steadily, she had to make modifications. These changes were forced to be made way before she was ready. Any version of herself that she thought would stay forever, never does.
It’s this constant dance of highlights and low lights of life. Literally, nothing last forever and in the same moment, the experiences of both joy and madness can be visibly present. In the third quarter of her life, she chooses to address the past with her son and her position in motherhood. Tiptoeing around estrangement is exhausting, but she finds a balance between resolution and redemption. There are no easy fixes.
She learns more and more each day how gratifying it is to stand in her own truth. Another person’s comfortability or happiness does not supersede her own.
#readandtellwithshantel #BeforeIAmErased #CherilNClarke
Displaying 1 of 1 review