My Lover, the Rabbi

by Wayne Koestenbaum

To the untrained eye, the rabbi is far from desirable. He is lofty and unkempt, he is ageing and his congregation is ever diminishing. But to one man, he is the object of obsession.

Our narrator adores the rabbi and worships the universe between his legs. But so too does he bristle at being relegated to the peripheries of the rabbi's life. When they're apart, he manically contemplates every element of the rabbi's his absent husband; his first (and only) wife and child, both now deceased; his unstable, yet alluring, adopted son. Until, in a bid to help sustain their relationship, our narrator embarks on an increasingly urgent quest to better understand his mercurial lover - one which threatens to upturn the lives of both men.

Lavish and lascivious, My Lover, the Rabbi is an exuberant exploration of devotion and desire, as well as a careening Catherine wheel of a novel about queer family-making, one which is attuned to the mysterious constellations and patterns that shape our lives.

Genres: Fiction, Queer, LGBT, Gay, Literary Fiction, Romance, Contemporary

464 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 17, 2026

About the author

Wayne Koestenbaum has published five books of critical prose, including The Queen’s Throat: Opera, Homosexuality, and the Mystery of Desire, which was a National Book Critics Circle Award finalist; and three books of poetry, including Ode to Anna Moffo and Other Poems. He is a Professor of English at the Graduate Center of the City University of New York.

Reviews

[Melissa]

my literary version of heaven. neurotic erotic bliss.

[Charlie]

First i was gooped. Then i was gagged. Then i was a little bored. Then horny. A poet’s novel in a unique sense of the term. Like getting dicked down by diction or sucked off by syntax.

[Marcus (Lit_Laugh_Luv)]

During a depressive episode in 2022 I dated a gay priest (he did not disclose this vocation) and then I later learned I had been cheated on by said gay priest (he also did not disclose this).

Seeing myself and my experiences authentically represented through literature is why I love reading. Art is a prism that refracts the many facets of ourselves back upon us...I WILL be reading this...

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[endrju]

What a strange novel. I did not expect anything less from Wayne Koestenbaum. Most chapters are less than a page long, which, in principle, should give the impression of speedy movement through the book—if not choppiness, which I usually hate. But no. I felt like a fly caught in amber, stuck in a viscous text - I can't call it a narrative because there isn't much of an arc - moving as slowly as sticky honey. If I may venture into some psychoanalysis, the short chapters are akin to object a, with their descriptions of dicks, asses, and bodily effluvia, while the entire text is the desire itself - immovable and insistent in all its sublime immensity.

[James Hulse]

I went into this one knowing it would be a bit unusual, and it definitely is. It felt more like a long exploration of desire and obsession than a traditional story.

I really admired how bold it is. The way it mixed explicit sexuality with religious stuff was pretty provocative and at times uncomfortable, but also kind of fascinating. There’s a strong psychosexual thread running through it, especially around how desire gets tied up with authority and fantasy.

That said, I found it more impressive than enjoyable. That might sound weird? What I mean is that the language is quite dense and sometimes hard to get through, and there is not a lot of plot to hold onto. It felt to me like I was sitting inside someone’s very analytical inner monologue for a long time.

Definitely not mainstream friendly, but I can see why Koestenbaum is so highly regarded. Even when I was struggling with it, I still wanted to crack on with it and see how far it was willing to go.

Also, props to the anonymous chest on the cover.

[jocelyn • coolgalreading]

oh wow that endinggggg

[Mayra Kalaora]

so weird and hilarious and awesome . learned many words

[Matheus Souza]

I was really excited for this one. The theme and plot is just too bombastic and eye-catching to miss, so I was very happy when the publisher approved my advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.

"My Lover, the Rabbi" is kind of unlike any book I have ever read before, it has a rythm of its own, cooking a plot of secrets behind the chapters where we get to see the extent of the Rabbi and the main character's relationship/ obsession.

I have to admit that, although I was going for the ride that the author was creating for the book, at the middle point I was a little bored of being too blind-sided. Again, we only get glimpses of what it is proven to be a very strange age-gap relationship, their power dynamics and erotic exchanges. The narration also feels a bit clunky at times, but I figure that it is intentional to better explain the psyche of the main character.

It is a read that took me more time than usual, and, at the end, I feel like the payoff was not as good as it could have been. A lot of time was spent with this acclimation for the plot and the characters and then all of a sudden we are at the climax, with a resolution that was too quickly written for me.

Overall, this book has the ability of staying with you after the read and I guess that goes beyond certain rhythm issues and lack of development on some parts. The lack of further exploration also goes with the theme of this blind love and obsession, not only for the main character, but all the characters that are part of the Rabbi's life.

This not at all an easy read, but strangely, it is a book I would recommend--with some precautions.

[roach]

I think that this is easily the best book that I have read this year. I out loud celebrated when I got an email saying I had received an ARC, and immediately dove in.

This is a book for a very particular person, I think, but I just so happened to be that exact person. It's gritty, language that makes you squirm at the exactness, and a story that doesn't do much to settle that feeling. At times, it felt so real and exact to the emotions of obsessiveness and unwavering idolization that I questioned if this was a real story.

It has teeny tiny chapters that help with the narration style, coming across as blurbs scribbled into a notebook, trying to get feelings and actions across through the narrator's own mind.

I totally loved it and can't wait to get it when it's published.

[Catalina]

Almost 500 pages of philosophical penis musing!
My favorite! 😀

[J]

this book is so fucking nutty

[Daniel Myatt]

Thank you to the publishers for a copy of this book!

BUT wow.....

This came across as a shambles of a book! It felt chaotic and more of rambling of feeling thrown at a page until something stuck.

I was unable to finish reading it, even after 6 or 7 attempts.

Maybe as a gay man, I am not its market! Who knows.

[SJ]

A masterful, challenging depiction of neurotic, erotic obsession and iconoclasm, and it comes out swinging.

It resists easy explanation - the reading experience is slow, textured, and at times infuriatingly obtuse, with Koestenbaum luxuriating in intellectual, acrobatic, and evasive prose that at points had me drifting off, only to hook me again when things suddenly get more…hands-on. Just when it feels like it’s all foreplay and no payoff, it delivers moments that are disarmingly direct and impossible to ignore.

It’s uproarious, playful, serious, perverse, and perplexing. I didn’t enjoy every page, the middle sagged like the rabbi’s gut, but I kept coming back for more, drawn in by his sinuous syntax and the way he explores human desire and unequal relationships with both complete, unflinching sincerity.

A very real story of yearning that flirts with the styles of Proust and Balzac with a knowing smirk.

[Matt]

I wanted soooo much more out of this! Such an interesting premise, i really expected to love this, but we jump right into the story and i was disappointed it didn’t really explore how this relationship even began. It meanders with overly long and descriptive paragraphs, so much focus on describing bodies and sex instead of giving us story or emotion.

[Lancakes]

What a weird book 🌹

[Clara Martin]

brilliant

[Iza Cupial]

6⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

[zoë]

Batshit crazy, quite fun. Like a gonzo romance novel turned gonzo detective story.

[Fergus Murray]

Enjoyed and cackled my way through the first half of this but must admit it wore on me by the end.

[Shadib Bin]

An extremely strange book that took me much longer than I anticipated to finish, but also one I couldn’t simply abandon. Wayne has that grip on you - I found this similar paradox when I read Figure it Out.

It’s really hard to put this book into a coherent context- I loved Wayne’s approach to stylistic writing and preferring to simply play with his settings in ways that give him true pleasure. You can just tell where Wayne’s mind truly goes - and that’s a pleasure. I love when I feel I have entered a new world and this book certainly does that.

[Ryan (Empire of Books)]

This was just too weird even for me. The short chapters should have made me feel like I was flying through it but in reality the book dragged quite a bit for me. It was written in such a way that I just found it hard to find a rhythm. The actual subject of the book itself was (I guess) intentionally uncomfortable but the constant shock after shock reveal was just a bit much, with little pay off or explanation.

Not for me sadly.

[Daren Kearl]

This was a long 450 pages but the erudite and mesmerising language kept me engaged. It’s amazing how many different ways the author can describe the physical fixations of the narrator on his lover, the rabbi. Very little plot emerges, with a gradual shift to characters and a reveal about the rabbi’s deceased son and wife. The ending was heartbreaking, after all the obsession that had come before.

[Lucy Ross]

An odd book, it felt like a novel of two halves.

I enjoyed the unique nature of the first half it was a vulgar book with an interesting point of view.

The lack of story development in the second half and confusing ending made this less enjoyable for me. It’s not one I’d recommend.

[Akshit Suri]

At first it was gaggy. Then horny, then gaggy again. Then boring.

[Trauermaerchen]

This was a really unique reading experience. It's such a fun, weird and unapologetically queer book that deals with the relationship between religion and erotic obsession and how they manifest in power dynamics.

The writing is very lyrical and long winded which I personally enjoy but don't think is for everyone. It works beautifully to let us get to know the narrator. Generally, I thought the portrayal of relationships and feelings was done very well, both in more and less plot heavy sections.

My one criticism is that the book drags quite a bit in the middle and could've cut down a bit to keep the flow going a bit better.

Still, while it did take me quite a bit of time, I am very happy to have read this and would absolutely recommend it. I feel like it's going to stick with me, especially the ending.

4.5/5⭐

[Glen Helfand]

My Lover, the Rabbi is a lot. It is a work of art, a literal object that I want to proudly display on my bookshelf, it's thick spine showing off like a Jewish book from the 70s (My Name is Asher Lev). It is a joke, the title makes me giggle in the way that it counters the myth that rabbis are not sexy. This is a randy gay sex book, with the rabbi's cock described in the first line and we get to know it well over 452 pages, 188 chapters. It is an endurance test, a commitment. A conceptual art piece, a serial narrative seemingly written on the daily, the narrative twists unexpected. It has wackadoodle character names, tattooists, jewelry designers, suicide victims, a dead child, hot young academics. It includes "an overdose of vases" and other delightful lines. It is an unrateable literary place only Wayne can take you to, if you let him.

[Nihar Mukund]

4.5

Aesop Queer Library Pick 2

The reading experience was truly a strange one, somehow fascinating, boring at times, sensual or downright confusing. I don't know if the 450 pages were warranted, and istg the cover page of my copy made reading on the tube a self-conscious activity. Nonetheless, there was something genuinely stimulating in this for me, whether it was the novel's creation of a very queer network (despite the relative banality of some of the big "secrets") or its seeming aimlessness, which leaves behind an equally aimless ending.

[Matthew Carpenter]

My Lover the Rabbi starts off strong. It is fast, engaging, and easy to get into but the pacing drops off a cliff. The book then becomes slow, dull and repetitive and it turned into a slog to finish. The ending feels rushed and a bit random, like the author is trying to tie up lots of loose ends at once. The core story and ideas are interesting, but the flowery writing makes it feel like hard work. Most of the characters read like caricatures. There are so many big personalities that it stops feeling believable.

[Jonathan Schneiderman]

I reviewed this for the Times Literary Supplement; check it out: https://www.the-tls.com/regular-features/in-brief/my-lover-the-rabbi-wayne-koestenbaum-book-review-jonathan-schneiderman.

[*ben]

The first like 20% of this book is an intriguing “romance” written in really visceral prose that I (mostly) enjoyed. That quickly washes away and the other 80% of the book is a really dry mystery that doesn’t do the beginning justice. By the end I’m sorry but I was not invested at all and the final twist(?) had very little pay off. Sorry!