My Lover, the Rabbi

by Wayne Koestenbaum

To the untrained eye, the rabbi is far from desirable. He is lofty and unkempt, he is ageing and his congregation is ever diminishing. But to one man, he is the object of obsession.

Our narrator adores the rabbi and worships the universe between his legs. But so too does he bristle at being relegated to the peripheries of the rabbi's life. When they're apart, he manically contemplates every element of the rabbi's his absent husband; his first (and only) wife and child, both now deceased; his unstable, yet alluring, adopted son. Until, in a bid to help sustain their relationship, our narrator embarks on an increasingly urgent quest to better understand his mercurial lover - one which threatens to upturn the lives of both men.

Lavish and lascivious, My Lover, the Rabbi is an exuberant exploration of devotion and desire, as well as a careening Catherine wheel of a novel about queer family-making, one which is attuned to the mysterious constellations and patterns that shape our lives.

Genres: Fiction, Queer, Gay, LGBT, Literary Fiction, Adult

464 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 17, 2026

About the author

Wayne Koestenbaum has published five books of critical prose, including The Queen’s Throat: Opera, Homosexuality, and the Mystery of Desire, which was a National Book Critics Circle Award finalist; and three books of poetry, including Ode to Anna Moffo and Other Poems. He is a Professor of English at the Graduate Center of the City University of New York.

Reviews

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

my literary version of heaven. neurotic erotic bliss.

[C · Rating 4 out of 5]

First i was gooped. Then i was gagged. Then i was a little bored. Then horny. A poet’s novel in a unique sense of the term. Like getting dicked down by diction or sucked off by syntax.

[endrju]

What a strange novel. I did not expect anything less from Wayne Koestenbaum. Most chapters are less than a page long, which, in principle, should give the impression of speedy movement through the book—if not choppiness, which I usually hate. But no. I felt like a fly caught in amber, stuck in a viscous text - I can't call it a narrative because there isn't much of an arc - moving as slowly as sticky honey. If I may venture into some psychoanalysis, the short chapters are akin to object a, with their descriptions of dicks, asses, and bodily effluvia, while the entire text is the desire itself - immovable and insistent in all its sublime immensity.

[roach · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think that this is easily the best book that I have read this year. I out loud celebrated when I got an email saying I had received an ARC, and immediately dove in.

This is a book for a very particular person, I think, but I just so happened to be that exact person. It's gritty, language that makes you squirm at the exactness, and a story that doesn't do much to settle that feeling. At times, it felt so real and exact to the emotions of obsessiveness and unwavering idolization that I questioned if this was a real story.

It has teeny tiny chapters that help with the narration style, coming across as blurbs scribbled into a notebook, trying to get feelings and actions across through the narrator's own mind.

I totally loved it and can't wait to get it when it's published.

[Matheus Souza · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was really excited for this one. The theme and plot is just too bombastic and eye-catching to miss, so I was very happy when the publisher approved my advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.

"My Lover, the Rabbi" is kind of unlike any book I have ever read before, it has a rythm of its own, cooking a plot of secrets behind the chapters where we get to see the extent of the Rabbi and the main character's relationship/ obsession.

I have to admit that, although I was going for the ride that the author was creating for the book, at the middle point I was a little bored of being too blind-sided. Again, we only get glimpses of what it is proven to be a very strange age-gap relationship, their power dynamics and erotic exchanges. The narration also feels a bit clunky at times, but I figure that it is intentional to better explain the psyche of the main character.

It is a read that took me more time than usual, and, at the end, I feel like the payoff was not as good as it could have been. A lot of time was spent with this acclimation for the plot and the characters and then all of a sudden we are at the climax, with a resolution that was too quickly written for me.

Overall, this book has the ability of staying with you after the read and I guess that goes beyond certain rhythm issues and lack of development on some parts. The lack of further exploration also goes with the theme of this blind love and obsession, not only for the main character, but all the characters that are part of the Rabbi's life.

This not at all an easy read, but strangely, it is a book I would recommend--with some precautions.

[Venneh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hell of a ride of a novel. We get the story of a young gay man who falls into a situationship with a messy as hell rabbi and the cult he may or may not be leading, and the other men in his life. The rabbi becomes a point of obsession for our main character, and the viscerality that gets described in this novel is unhinged, in the best kind of way. Definitely pick it up when it comes out this spring.

[Matt · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted soooo much more out of this! Such an interesting premise, i really expected to love this, but we jump right into the story and i was disappointed it didn’t really explore how this relationship even began. It meanders with overly long and descriptive paragraphs, so much focus on describing bodies and sex instead of giving us story or emotion.

[Ryan (Empire of Books) · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was just too weird even for me. The short chapters should have made me feel like I was flying through it but in reality the book dragged quite a bit for me. It was written in such a way that I just found it hard to find a rhythm. The actual subject of the book itself was (I guess) intentionally uncomfortable but the constant shock after shock reveal was just a bit much, with little pay off or explanation.

Not for me sadly.

[Frances Thompson · Rating 3 out of 5]

What a weird little book with weird little chapters and weird little ways of depicting a relationship that was also pretty weird. I went into it expecting it to be pretty weird, but I feel like it just didn't bring much else to it for me. I'm all for weird little books but I need something else to keep me there and sadly this one didn't have much else for me and some chapters had me rolling my eyes with impatience. Also this was not a sexy book about sex, if that makes sense.

[Amelie · Rating 3 out of 5]

My Lover, the Rabbi is an unusual novel. An unnamed narrator is involved in an affair with the titular Rabbi, the nature of their relationship odd, although not a secret to the people around them. The Rabbi has a life that the narrator only occupies the sidelines of, involving a husband and an adult adopted son who is biologically his nephew. A housekeeper and associate at the synagogue named Monica is also involved in his life, while the Rabbi is more sparing with details about his former (deceased) wife and child. The novel is a psychosexual exploration of the relationship between the narrator and the Rabbi, and the fascination of the former with the latter’s ever contradicting life.

It takes an unusual form for a romantic tale, often focusing on parts of the Rabbi’s body and stretching the narrative out of them, an interesting way of making the body a textual feature. This was enjoyable and refreshing to read, as it diverges quite significantly from the prose of other novels I’ve read recently. Other readers comment on the use of obscure or difficult words by the narrator: I don’t think this was to the novel’s detriment, as playing with language should be expected of literature, but a reader should perhaps know going in that they might find the writing challenging. For me, the prose was the novel’s best aspect, a tone that seemed luscious regardless of the mundanity of the situation it was painted on.

The biggest setback for me personally was the novel’s length, which meant it took a while for me to finish, as I started to bore of it a little in the middle. A decent slice could be taken from the centre, where the narrative starts to drag and repeat itself, that would not affect the plot at all. This is a 400+ page novel, with, in my opinion, a storyline that could occupy a 200-300 zone. While I am the prose’s biggest cheerleader, it was possible for moments of poignancy to be lost among it due to the length of it. It started strong, wavered, then picked up again towards the end.

I enjoyed unpacking the mystery of the Rabbi: the book centralises him, and we hear much less about the narrator as his life seems to revolve around his lover, a narrative which I think works in this context. In spite of the Rabbi’s profession, there is actually very little said about faith; anything regarding the synagogue seems more to do with the internal politics of the place, which I didn’t mind. However, there is a brief nod to the Rabbi’s self-discovery and eventual reconciliation of his sexuality and spiritual leadership that made me a little disappointed the theme wasn’t explored more. The narrator also rarely talks about his own relationship to religion, which would’ve been interesting too.

Ultimately, I did enjoy this novel and find it to be refreshingly different, but there were points that irked me. The length aside, it had an ending that baffled me and felt quite abrupt, considering the slow pace of the rest. I additionally wanted more from it: if the narrator’s lover were not a rabbi, would much about the plot change? I wanted the uniqueness to assert itself more, as opposed to meandering away about 100 pages in. However, I am still eager to see what Koestenbaum produces next, as there is a lot of promise in this book.

Thank you to NetGalley and Granta for the ARC.

[Pudsey Recommends · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I must correct the record… concrete facts sully the narrative.”

I finished reading My Lover, the Rabbi this weekend, and it’s unlike anything I’ve read before. Koestenbaum clearly sets out to push at the boundaries of genre, and for a while after I turned the final page I felt genuinely unsettled. I kept thinking: what have I just read? At times, it gave me Genet’s Querelle vibes, particularly in its excess and in the way it entangles desire with authority.

The novel’s structure is one of its most striking features. It opens with very short chapters that gradually grow longer as the narrator’s fixation on the rabbi deepens. At first, this feels controlled and even inviting, but over time it becomes heavier and more consuming. It mirrors the way desire can begin as something manageable and slowly take over everything. As I read, I had am increasing sense that something tragic was approaching.

This isn’t a love story in any reassuring or romantic sense. Instead, it explores obsession, power, and emotional imbalance. The narrator’s longing for “the rabbi, my lover” becomes a way of trying to feel real, recognised, and chosen. He isn’t unreliable because he lies, but because he overthinks everything, endlessly revising his feelings and second-guessing himself. The writing reflects this state of mind, with long, winding sentences and frequent asides. At times it’s absorbing, though it can also feel demanding as a reader.

The rabbi himself comes across less as a hypocrite than as a figure of authority who understands the power of restraint. His influence lies in his position, his self-control, and his ability to withdraw attention. Sex in this novel isn’t portrayed as tender or freeing. Instead, it feels strangely procedural, a way for the narrator to feel briefly validated or permitted to exist. Much of the power here operates quietly, without needing to justify itself.

Religion and institutions are always present in the background, even if God feels largely absent. What remains is a sense of structure, hierarchy, and control. The novel doesn’t offer easy emotional release or redemption, and its tone is often cool and restrained. Even the final tragic moments affected me more intellectually than emotionally, which seems very much by design.

Despite this, I remained curious throughout, wanting to see where Koestenbaum was taking the story. It feels like a book that sets out to unsettle its reader, sometimes very successfully, sometimes less so.

This is very much a marmite novel: readers are likely to love it or hate it. It certainly won’t be for everyone. For me, it fits into a space of ‘weird queer’ fiction: a challenging and unconventional book, a queer novel without liberation, a sexual novel without pleasure, and a confessional story that doesn’t entirely believe in confession itself.

Go on. Pick it up!

Thanks to Farrar, Straus and Giroux | FSG Originals for the ARC

#pudseyrecommends

[Nick Artrip · Rating 4 out of 5]

I requested and received an eARC of My Lover, the Rabbi by Wayne Koestenbaum via NetGalley. The rabbi, to the disinterested observer, is far from desirable. Despite being untidy, uncouth, aging, and unable to maintain his following, he is the object of the narrator's obsession. Their relationship is defined by a mixture of torment and pleasure. Whether they're hundred miles apart of sharing the same bed, rabbi occupies the narrator's mind fully. He contemplates very facet of his being, relentlessly dissecting his life, his history, his past, his possibilities, his genitalia, his pubic hair, his husband, his car, his dead son, his dead wife, his attractive adopted son. He tries to unspool the secret threads of the rabbi's past, but finds himself questioning everything he knows to be true.

What a disgusting and beautiful ride My Lover, the Rabbi turned out to be. This is by no means a traditional story. The narrative is initially made up of one-or-two page chapters that strike the reader like lightning bolts. The bones may feel familiar, but the intentional and chaotic construction of obsession in Koestenbaum’s novel is fresh, fascinating, and occasionally frustrating. It may feel difficult to pull all the threads together when initially beginning the story, but once you’ve gotten into the groove of things it becomes an altogether different experience. The later chapters really fill in the gaps, or at least some of them, but never veer too far away from the fantastical qualities of the novel’s first half.

Who is the Rabbi? So many parts of him feel like a lecherous everyman, while other details are startingly specific. Through the narrator’s relentless musings, the Rabbi came to life for me. The textures and smells of his body, his desires and his hypocrisies, his manipulations and sexual sermonizing all began to echo in my mind as grossly familiar as the oft repeated “my lover, the Rabbi.” And who is the narrator? What does his relationship with the Rabbi say about him? I still have a thousand questions swirling around in my mind after finishing My Lover, the Rabbi. It’s a strange and provocative, yet satisfying novel that interrogates questions of identity, religion, obsession, and sexual liberation.

[André LR · Rating 4 out of 5]

Desire Under Management

eArc provided by NetGalley + Granta

My Lover, the Rabbi is a striking novel, driven less by plot than by the force of its language. Koestenbaum writes in long, pressurised sentences that think on the page, stacking desire, analysis and self-mockery without pause. The opening chapters are explicitly erotic and deliberately excessive, using sex as propulsion rather than ornament. What keeps the book gripping is the sharpness and control of the prose.

It is also, unmistakably, a gay novel. The central relationship is between men, the sex is frank, and the world it inhabits is one of gay male mentorship, patronage and erotic hierarchy. The book assumes queerness as a given, yet it offers no comfort. Intimacy is not shelter here but exposure, grading and risk.

Midway through, the book quietly but decisively changes register. The erotic voltage remains, but its function shifts. Sex turns into technique, then into control. Lovers become managers, benefactors and administrators. Institutions seep into the bedroom, and the language of care begins to sound procedural.

The sentences never slow to match that chill. The pace stays urgent even as the story moves into grief, authority and managed loss. The result is unsettling and persuasive. This is a novel that begins in obsession and ends in systems, carried all the way by the confidence and intelligence of its language.

[Jerome Garnier · Rating 2 out of 5]

I went into My Lover, the Rabbi with high expectations, especially given its literary ambitions and stylistic confidence. Unfortunately, I struggled to stay focused on the story throughout most of the book. While the prose is clearly deliberate and polished, it often felt dense and emotionally distant, which made it difficult for me to fully connect with the characters or their motivations.

The narrative unfolds in a very controlled, introspective way, but this came at the cost of momentum. I found myself rereading passages not because they revealed new depth, but because my attention had drifted. The central relationship and themes of desire, identity, and restraint are interesting in theory, but they never fully came alive for me on the page.

There is no denying the author’s technical skill and command of language, and readers who appreciate slow, meditative literary fiction may find more to admire here. However, for me, the story never fully engaged my interest, and I ultimately found it difficult to stay invested, sadly.

[Guillermo Perez · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I read the blurb for this book, my interest was instantly piqued and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it. The story follows a young man who quickly becomes enamored—or outright obsessed—with a rabbi. Their relationship grows increasingly intense and co-dependent, yet also feels strangely cut off from the world around them, which gives the book a claustrophobic, downward-spiral quality.

I especially liked the almost clinical tone in the way the author writes about bodies, sex, and situations. It creates a detached, neurotic/erotic atmosphere that really worked for me. That said, the middle section felt a bit dense and repetitive, and I did find my attention drifting at times, even though I loved the short, lyrical bursts of paragraphs scattered throughout.

Overall, this was a unique, unsettling story that landed squarely in the middle for me, but I think its particular brand of neurotic/erotic intensity will absolutely find the right readers.

[Chris]

My Lover, the Rabbi has an intriguing premise, but I found that the structure wasn’t quite to my personal taste. The very short, one-page chapters made the reading experience feel fragmented, and I struggled to find a consistent rhythm as a result. I also found the language more complex than I tend to enjoy, which made it harder for me to fully settle into the narrative.

I additionally experienced some issues with the e-pub formatting on Kindle, where the text appeared as one long document and chapter titles and footers were mixed into the main body of the prose. This affected the overall reading experience. Readers who enjoy experimental structure and denser literary language may connect with this more than I did.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing an ARC in exchange for review.

[JXR · Rating 5 out of 5]

Weird, wild, and absolutely unique ride with some interesting vibes, focused in on obsession: specifically, the narrator's on the rabbi, who might to an objective observer be seen as unappealing. 5 stars. tysm for the arc.

[anika · Rating 2 out of 5]

unfortunately…. this book is not for me. DNF at 5% (Chapter 35) - i can see how it might have merit for some though so given a 2 star. it’s very descriptive without giving you anything?

thanks netgalley for the eArc.

[Phoenix · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are two different ways to tell a story: stick to the facts and keep things as physically accurate as possible, or tell a less factual story that's more true to the emotions the characters were experiencing. This falls heavily in the second category.

Our two main characters, the Rabbi and our narrator, are never directly named; a bold choice which works fabulously in the story. It's written in first person which was a very good choice as well because of how it draws the reader into the story before absolutely waterboarding them with prose. Being so close to the story makes it even harder to tell how much of the story is actually happening and how much is skewed by the narrator's emotions.

I found this book hilarious and surprising all the way through, though it did lose me in the second half (though I think this has more to do with my trouble reading books online than it does the quality of the book itself). Once published, I'll definitelly be getting myself a copy so I can give it a proper read through.

Favorite sections: 11, 16, 28, 37, 44, 49, 63, 66, 85, 88