This Was Never the Plan: Walking with God Through the Heartache of Divorce

by Vaneetha Rendall Risner, Paul David Tripp (Epilogue)

If you are reeling from a divorce you never wanted, This Was Never the Plan is a lifeline.—Steve Grissom, Founder of DivorceCare

Divorce brings a storm of grief, anger, confusion and shame. Yet while the ache lingers, life goes on.

Vaneetha Risner has walked through this pain. In this hopeful and honest book, she draws from Scripture and her own story to offer compassionate wisdom on...

Finding emotional clarity and letting go of shame Trusting God in the uncertainties ahead Healing relationally, resisting bitterness and finding community Nurturing hope for the future She also shares about navigating single parenting, church, dating and the work of rebuilding.

Whether you are in the early stages of divorce or beginning to restore your life, this book points to Christ's faithful presence every step of the way. Helpful check-ins throughout invite you to pause, reflect and take hold of God again and again.

Includes appendices to guide friends and church leaders in supporting you.

192 pages

Published April 1, 2026

About the author

Vaneetha Rendall Risner is a freelance writer and a regular contributor to Desiring God. She blogs at danceintherain.com, although she doesn’t like rain and has no sense of rhythm. Vaneetha is married to Joel and has two daughters, Katie and Kristi. She and Joel live in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Reviews

[Paris (parismaereads) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even those who haven't personally walked through a divorce can benefit from this book.

I have not personally walked through divorce, but have a friend who currently is. I originally requested this book from the publisher to skim and then gift to my friend, but what started as a skim ended up being a great, personal look at how the author walked through her divorce, and how I can walk alongside my friend. I really loved the appendix in the back titled "How to Show Up when a Friend's Marriage Ends", which is written specifically to the friends of loved ones walking through divorce. There is also a chapter titled "The Church, the Crowd, and the Friends who Stayed" that I personally found helpful as well.

I think the author successfully did exactly what she set out to do with this book, which is provide a resource she wish she had when walking through her divorce.

[Idalisse · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book on how to survive divorce. Practical, clear and hope-filled, this is a book every Christian should read, especially church leaders so they can know how to best care and support those who find themselves going through a divorce.

[Christie Neal · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for Christians who have experienced divorce or are walking along side someone who has. Beautifully written. Wonderfully practical.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 5 out of 5]

This heartfelt, practical book is full of wisdom for Christians who are navigating an unwanted separation or divorce. Author Vaneetha Rendall Risner shares vulnerable stories and insights from her own experiences, and she unpacks common struggles that Christians face. For example, she writes about ways that Christians might question where God is in all of this, especially if they expected a healthy, thriving marriage as a reward for their own personal obedience. This book encourages Christians to be honest about their doubts and struggles with God, and to allow themselves to experience their difficult emotions over such a life-shattering event, instead of pretending that they have it all together.

This Was Never the Plan is primarily directed towards the injured party in a shattered marriage, such as in cases of infidelity, abandonment, or abuse. However, Rendall Risner also speaks to people who caused the dissolution of their marriage, or who played a major role in that relationship falling apart. Rendall Risner writes with grace and compassion for all her readers, and she encourages them to take ownership of their failings and find grace and peace in God. She shows that no matter what, there is grace for you as you take stock of your losses, pick up the pieces, and move forward.

The author's personal honesty makes this book especially meaningful, because she gives you a window into her own thoughts and struggles, including with parenting her teenage daughters after their father abandoned the family. She offers an honest assessment of her failings, and she offers practical advice that goes beyond general principles. She reflects in another chapter about ways divorce may affect someone's friendships, family relationships, and situation at church. In all of this, she writes with grace and insight, and she also includes helpful advice for people who are reading this book as part of a divorced loved one's support system.

This is a thought-provoking, wise, and practical book that I highly recommend. Rendall Risner draws on Scripture in every chapter, providing a deeply biblical look at lament, forgiveness, healing, and finding joy again. She says that her goal in writing this book was to create the kind of resource that she would have found helpful when her husband left her. She definitely succeeded in keeping this practical and helpful, and this book will bless many suffering people through its raw honesty, practical insights, and biblically grounded messages of hope.

I received a free copy from the publisher, and am voluntarily leaving an honest review.

[Lorelei Sutherland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having walked through an unwanted divorce myself, and walking through it with multiple other woman, this book is a treasure-house of wisdom that I am happy to heartily recommend to anyone walking through it themselves, male or female. A great discussion guide in the back gives you an easy way to go through by yourself, with a friend or in a group setting.
Just like her other books, I found Vaneetha to be raw and venerable about her experiences and yet in that give hope that only comes from relationship with Christ. She dives into super hard topics like single parenting hurting children, anger, faith, betrayal, not fitting in anymore in your old circles, grief, separating truth from lies.
She gives helpful tips on navigating the newness of it, and then on down the road when you’re just so tired of STILL walking this road, reminding us that the journey to healing, and parenting hurting kids is a long road.
So many important topics condensed into one book, things that took me years to learn. Things I want every divorcee to read and be encouraged with.
I loved the thought of Honorable discharge. I was so shamed and blamed when I fled domestic violence after decades of felony level abuse. It was like I was wearing a big red D pinned on my shoulder. I fought so hard for my marriage, but when I finally stood up against the abuse, he was done being married. I did all I could, but am honorably discharged from enduring more of that. I’m not walking in defeat, but in grace, knowing God is not finished and is faithful!

If you are walking with someone going through the heartache of divorce, reading this book will help you be the friend they need as they walk this road. A separate guide in the back, specifically for the friend walking alongside is an invaluable gift to these hurting brothers and sisters.

And a guide for churches, so as a Body we can learn to do well for these hurting members.

If you are wondering if she is abuse informed, she is, and touches on this. Her publishers regret that the first printing missed the appendix of helpful resources on abuse that she had ready. If this is your story, you will be blessed by this book and know that Vaneetha’s heart if for your hope and healing.

[Kevin M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are going through divorce, have been through a divorce, or truly want to help support someone who is presently in the throes of a divorce, then you should read this book. "This Was Never the Plan" by Vaneetha Risner, is a great resource for how to walk through a divorce leaning completely on the love and grace of God, trusting with hope, that even if your faith begins to wane, God will carry you through. Whether it is your own divorce or you have lovingly committed to walk alongside someone else who is going through one, this resource can be a lifesaver.

Unfortunately, there are very few resources to help Christians Biblically process and walk through such a traumatic and potentially faith shaking event. The local church often lacks the resources, true understanding, and/or the people willing to walk alongside someone who is deeply hurting or struggling through a divorce. In her book, Vaneetha shares practical advice born out of her own heart tearing experience. She reveals her raw feelings, like Job, asking God why! By her own omission, she wrote this book for others to use as a resource, something she could not herself find. This book is not just a resource for people struggling through divorce, it’s a message of hope that God’s redeeming grace will meet us in our darkest hour and carry us during a time when cannot walk on our own.

I, like many Christians who have walked through an unwanted divorce, had to walk through it seemingly alone from human agency, compassion, encouragement, or personal direct understanding. With this encouraging new resource, “This Was Never the Plan,” no Christian will ever have to feel like they are all alone, painfully experiencing the myriad of feelings and discouragement and at times, defeatism, that divorce saddles us with. Vaneetha’s story provides not solely a resource to read but an understanding and compassionate shoulder to lean on. I highly recommend Vaneetha’s wonderful book of gospel-centered hope and encouragement for the hurting.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I read This Was Never the Plan, I immediately knew I was hearing from someone who completely gets the ins and outs of the horrific trauma of divorce. I also found myself incredibly grateful for Vaneetha's willingness to walk alongside others by the way she wrote and how she
shared her own story.

There was no pseudo-sharing here. You know, the kind where someone shares in such a way as to be basically relevant and relatable but only to a certain extent—
removing the more raw and potentially embarrassing details to manage their image.
Vaneetha did none of that sugar coating, and I loved her for it.

She waded through the plethora of emotions you will experience and addressed key issues such as letting go of bitterness and moving toward forgiveness, doing it all with an encouraging and not preachy tone. She also shared her mistakes and successes in such ways that I felt inspire honest hope for others.

Those who have undergone divorce understand the pain and heartbreak she is describing, even though the details will differ. However, this is also an incredible resource for those who desire to offer real support and understanding to families going through divorce.

One of the most important things she emphasized throughout the entire book was how it had to be Jesus working in her heart to produce real change and that leaning into Him is how we become whole. It isn't fixing our circumstances or getting remarried that heals us. It is Him. What a beautiful testimony of God’s grace and hope amidst the pain of divorce!

I’m so thankful Vaneetha did not withholding this difficult journey of hers from others.
Even though her story did end in remarriage, I especially appreciated her reiterating the fact that she wasn’t made whole because of that.
I highly recommend getting this book whether you are navigating the heartbreak of divorce yourself or want to love well those who are. You won’t be disappointed!

[Lia Ross Reads · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have not walked through divorce myself but I have witnessed close friends endure that trial and honestly I had no idea how to navigate that season alongside them. I wish I had this book back then.

Vaneetha peels back the layers of her story with beautiful vulnerability that is comforting to those who have experienced divorce and informative for friends and family who want to understand and care well for a loved one facing divorce.

She shares snippets from her journals in the fresh days of her divorce which was so helpful and I think helps her practical tips land well. She’s not just offering wisdom that’s good and true theologically, but that’s lived.

She even admits to mistakes she made with handling her divorce and offers advice on how someone could better handle feelings and frustrations that come with divorce like anger and unforgiveness.

While this book is filled with her personal testimony, she did a great job at including scripture that’s helpful (stories like Joseph and the Prodigal Son as great biblical examples of forgiveness) This book’s main goal is to point the reader to Jesus.

I really enjoyed this book and the footnotes (not a usual thing I would comment on in a review, but they were great!)


Overall I recommend this book and am so grateful for Vaneetha continually providing helpful insights to equip the church in biblically handling different forms of trials and suffering.

What this book does not include is in depth commentary (she briefly mentions adultery and abandonment early on but it’s not extensive) on biblical reasons to divorce and grounds for remarriage. Vaneetha actually advises the reader to get before the Bible and seek out their church leadership on those matters. I think this approach was wise based on the flow of the book.

4.5/5 ⭐️

[Alison Talley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vaneetha’s latest book is laden with treasures that will open your eyes, create understanding, provide practical suggestions, and allow you or someone with whom you are walking this difficult journey of divorce to find helpful tools that she discovered in her own personal journey of divorce. She holds nothing back, thus allowing us a window into the realities and struggles that accompany divorce. I believe this book needs to find its way into the hands of every pastor as they walk with individuals and families through any number of challenging situations in life, including divorce.
Vaneetha writes with an authenticity that will have you feeling that she is sitting right across from you over a cup of coffee or tea. Openly, she shares right from the pages of her journal writings the raw, and real wrestlings of her heart and mind, while also pointing us to the wondrous and unchanging truths of God’s Word and His heart and presence in the midst of the devastating.
Describing the grief of divorce as “the great undoing, the reversal of what once was sacred,” Vaneetha reminds us that “God is present in this chapter of your life and will be in the next.” In moving forward and defining who we are, she invites us to embrace what’s ahead without letting the past define us because divorce is not the end.
In walking the reader through what forgiveness looks like, she explores how one does not need to be bound by pain or to allow betrayal to have power over us. Her experience of lament is so beautifully shared.There is so much LIFE in the pages of this book even amid the loss and pain that divorce brings. In reading this book, you too can discover these jewels found in the darkness.

[Kathy Kochanek · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first heard of Vaneetha and her writing during my Divorce Care classes I signed up for. She wrote some things within the curriculum book/videos that were used during the program. I was very pleased to see she had written a book on the topic of divorce. It is certainly not a book I ever thought I would need or want to read, but here I am as so many of us are. My divorce was final last August. I know I initially wouldn't have been able to read this book, but once the healing process started it was exactly what I needed. Vaneetha writes as if she's talking to us at her kitchen table over coffee... honestly, with an open heart. It was an amazing to see how her faith in God grew through a journey she never wanted. God will do the same for each of us if we allow Him to. She writes genuinely, sharing her feelings throughout her divorce process. It is encouraging to know that the things we think and feel are all normal, and that others feel the same way. There is much information in this book that can help those going through divorce to be able to use to move forward. I have read it twice so far and this book will be one I will keep on my bookshelf and also share with others. Thank you Vaneetha for sharing with all of us what was an absolutely devastating season in your life. We each feel that pain as we read your book. Each of us have stories that are different than yours, our own story, but painful none the less. And your story shows us that if we keep our eyes on Jesus, we can and will make it through. He will not let go of us. I recommend this book to anyone who is presently going through a divorce or is dealing with the aftermath of one, and also to those who have friends or family that are. Thank you Vaneetha for using what was awful for you, and using it for the good of others.

[Lindy Kyzer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vaneetha Risner is the real deal. It's easy to become jaded - especially after walking through a divorce and trying to cling to your faith in the process. Despite the prevalence of divorce, there is a true lack of resources that speak to the heart, and hope of navigating divorce as a Christian. I love this book because it is both practical and personal. Vaneetha shares some details of her experiences (but read her memoir for more - it's a must-read, too!), but also shares stories and anecdotes from others and collects some true pearls of wisdom that can help you if you are navigating this impossible process or walking through it with another. It should be considered a must-read for every pastor, especially those in the reformed and conservative evangelical community. My divorce remains a death by 5000 cuts - with new wounds pierced each day both in and outside of the church. But resources like this help to give me hope, and remind me to see that even when you're struggling and feel like you're outside of God's plan - He is at work, He will not leave you, and His healing work may not come as fast as you'd like, but it will come. As Vaneetha has said, scars are evidence of healing. So whether you've been battered and bruised by the pain of divorce or are hoping to help those who have, please read this book. And please pray for those affected by divorce. We often feel like God has left us. We need his people to show up and remind us He hasn't. Thank you, Vaneetha, for showing up with this resource for the Christian community.

[Shannon McCoy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a much-needed resource on divorce. What I appreciated most was how it carefully held together two truths we often separate, real relational suffering and the subtle pull of the heart toward idolatry. The author doesn’t minimize pain, nor does she ignore the ways we can place too much weight on relationships. Instead, she gently brings both into the light and points us to Christ.
The theme of Jesus as our “true home” was especially meaningful. It reshaped the way I think about longing, attachment, and disappointment in relationships. There is something deeply comforting about being reminded that what we are ultimately searching for in others is fully found in Him.
I also appreciated the tone of the book. It is honest and convicting, but never heavy-handed. The examples made the concepts feel real and familiar, and the writing carried a sense of personal understanding because of the author’s personal story of divorce.
This is not a quick-fix kind of book. It is an invitation to slow down, reflect, and allow the Lord to gently reorder your heart. I would especially recommend it for anyone who feels stuck in patterns of relational dependency, disappointment, or longing.
It is both encouraging and quietly transformative.

[Aaron · Rating 5 out of 5]

In This Was Never the Plan, Vaneetha Rendall Risner shows you how to walk with God through the heartache of divorce. Having experienced divorce herself, she writes not only as an honest guide but also as a comforting friend.

I was most challenged by her discussion of battling bitterness—how to move beyond it and embrace the freedom of forgiveness. It made me reflect on my own need to forgive and be forgiven, and the power that this holds. I was deeply humbled by Risner’s journal entries. She shares them throughout the book, giving an honest look at her raw emotions.

Compassion and Healing

As a parent, I felt the pressure of supporting children through divorce. Risner offers practical tips throughout her book, but her wisdom also shines through when she reminds us to play the long game and that God doesn’t judge our outcomes, only our faithfulness.

Loneliness and shame were especially poignant sections, as I considered the role I have to play as a member of my local church. To be a friend and provide a place of belonging are privileges. This is a compassionate book that encourages healing, reflection, and a closer walk with God through life’s hardest seasons.

I received a media copy of This Was Never the Plan and this is my honest review. @diveindigdeep

[Andrew Farquharson · Rating 5 out of 5]

WARNING. this is a Christian book. It may contain uncomfortable themes like hope joy and peace.
A super honest book but also heaps of wisdom. Some of it learnt the hard way.
Thank you Vaneetha for being brave and sharing.
We all have a different story, but i resonated with every chapter, and the book puts language around lots of the things I couldnt put my finger on.
Divorce feels like a bushfire, but God is able to use it as a back burning operation, to bring good. Sometimes He hems us in, but He cares for you so much.
So many precious promises.
I really liked ‘Contentment doesn’t come from getting everything I want, but trusting God with what I have’. A very freeing attitude.
God has a future and a hope for us. Divorce does not define us, who are in Christ.
A very helpful book for those in ministry, as well as friends of people going through divorce.
You may have to leave some of the other 99 priorities you have, but don’t forget that one precious lost sheep who dropped off the radar.

[Clare Borden · Rating 5 out of 5]

When first I began reading "This Was Never the Plan," I thought Vaneetha Risner’s book would not pertain to me. The reason for this false assumption was the fact that our divorce circumstances were so different. Vaneetha faced infidelity and her husband wanted a divorce; I was married to a very angry man and I was the one who eventually pursued a divorce. Although I pursued the divorce, it was not my plan! I was torn - I knew I had to live a peaceful life; but I also knew that God hates divorce. I was filled with shame.

Her book turned out to be so helpful and encouraging! I highly recommend that anyone going through a divorce (no matter the circumstances) to purchase this book! It has been useful to me and I ordered an extra copy to pass on to someone who may need it. Throughout this book, Vaneetha shares the love of God for me and I am learning that my divorce did not change that fact! I especially love the way Vaneetha closed her story – buy the book and then cherish the last two paragraphs in the final chapter!

[Erica Donoho]

In This Was Never the Plan, Vaneetha Risner writes about her learning experience through an unwanted divorce. I was encouraged by her reflections of the way God invited her into a deeper relationship with Him and strengthened her even though she could not see the outcome.
Vaneetha reminds us that “The gospel is for all of us, offering grace in our failures and hope for redemption, wherever we find ourselves.” Whatever we are going through we can bring it to God, he knows our limits, he strengthens us, and he offers us mercy. Alternately, if we hold on to bitterness we create a barrier in our relationship with God.
You will find discussion questions that can facilitate reflection for yourself or conversation for a small group.

An additional resource is her chapter outlining what it looks like for an individual or the church to walk alongside someone going through a season of divorce. What a blessing to offer our time and abilities to serve someone through their suffering.

[Donna Medlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is not only an invaluable resource for those who are divorced or going through divorce, it is also for those who know or love someone in that painful situation. It is not a personal tell-all, but Vaneetha honestly draws from her own experience and time-earned insights to encourage and give tools for coping with the practical issues, as well as emotional ones. Topics covered include the complexities of divorce with children, relationships with others, including those in the church, and the personal struggles with shame, regret, anger, forgiveness, and the question of remarriage. While this is written from a Christian perspective, I believe it will be helpful for anyone. In the midst of crisis, we're often too overwhelmed to sort through resources ourselves, so please consider giving this exceptional resource and encouragement for someone else living through divorce.

[Lianne Sanchez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is one of the clearest, most helpful resources on divorce I have ever come across. Vaneetha is raw and transparent all throughout the narrative, and she was able to give words to deep pain of the soul and help bring clarity to the murky areas of my own experiences that I was struggling to interpret. Most importantly, every page of this book points the reader to the deep love and healing found in Christ. This is a must-read for anyone going through an unwanted divorce as well as anyone who is walking alongside a friend or family member who is experiencing this painful season. Vaneetha has written this book in deep compassion, while simultaneously challenging the reader to take the next step forward in the love of Christ. I would honestly give this book more than 5 stars if I could.

[Nathan D. · Rating 5 out of 5]

The heartache of divorce is real. In the Christian community, it's challenging to discuss. Shame, embarrassment, anger, fear and remorse make it difficult to process internally, let alone with others. Vaneetha's book helps! It gives practical advice. It stands on Biblical ground for us to lean on as we walk through one of the hardest things a person has to deal with.

The book doesn't get into what the Bible teaches on divorce or remarriage. The author did get remarried, so a particular view is implied, but that's not the point of the book; for which I'm grateful (even though that's confusing too).

I wish this book would have been written earlier in my journey, but I'm grateful it's hear now and will definitely recommend it to others who are walking through themselves or with others.

[Susan Nouvet · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't realize how much I needed to read this book until I did! Vaneetha is incredibly genuine and open about her experience as a Christian woman going through an unwanted divorce. Each chapter is filled with real, honest emotions and experiences that many of us in the "divorced" community can relate to. Reading it was refreshing and vulnerable. It encouraged me to continue looking upwards towards my Heavenly Father, who loves and cares for me, while also turning inward to examine the broken pieces I had thought would define me forever. Thankfully, that is not the case! I highly recommend this book, regardless of where you are in your journey. May this resource bring much encouragement to all who read it.

[Holly Seehusen · Rating 5 out of 5]

When walking through a divorce and all that comes with it, trust can be a huge issue. You need those you look to for wisdom and comfort to be trustworthy and that is exactly what Vaneetha is in this book. She blends a reliance on God and Scripture with psychological insights of the day to offer a guide that is both wise and comforting. She doesn't shirk from the hard or cater to self-pity, but instead tells the experience exactly like it was for her and how God walked with her through it. I wish I had this book a few years ago but even now am so grateful for the hope it offers and to have this rescource to share with others.

[Rubi A · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a Godsend! In the shattering devastation of my divorce due to my former husband's abandonment of his family, Vaneetha's words filled my broken spirit and heart with God's hope, direction, and peace. She brings a warm, loving, nonjudgmental, practical approach to a sensitive topic and guides us by God's word to take it a day at a time. For those going through this painful process, there is so much hope found in the pages of this book. It provided God's truth in a world divided on its views regarding divorce.

[Kathryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vaneetha described what I was experiencing in ways I couldn’t. I felt like such a failure and so alone, but reading this book I realized I wasn’t alone. I can now thank God for the gift of my aloneness and how it draws me near to him. This book taught me to keep track of small victories and face the enormous shame and broken dreams in order to be able to embrace what’s ahead. It helped me trust that God is writing a good story with my life. Thank God for Vaneetha’s sense of humor that made me laugh out loud in the midst of the heartache.

[Kay Perry · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have gone through a divorce as I recently have or are going through one now this book brings so much comfort! When I pick it up, it’s hard to put it down! Vaneetha is a magnificent writer! So heartfelt, so true and so honest! Her thoughts are my thoughts! Some that I have known I was thinking and others that I could not put into words but Vaneetha did it for me! The Lord is using her mighty and helping me and I know so many others!! Please read this book. It will touch your soul and encourage your spirit to walk closer with God! Thank you, Vaneetha!

[Jana · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent resource for anyone walking through the valley of unwanted divorce. I wish it had been around six years ago when, after 27 years of marriage, I found myself unexpectedly walking through that valley. As always, Vaneetha writes with honesty about the pain of divorce and provides hope and help by pointing people to the truth found in scripture. I've read all of her books, and I would recommend any and all of them.

[Marcia Orman · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are walking a path you never wanted, what do you need more than anything? Someone who has been there before you. Someone to show you the way and warn you about certain pitfalls. Someone to encourage you and let you know you are not alone in your struggles. This book is all that and more. Highly recommend this for anyone who is walking this difficult path or wanting to help or understand a friend on this path as well.

[Vara Castleberry · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is not only for those going through a divorce, but if you have a friend or loved one going through a divorce, this book is for you! It helps you see what someone going through a divorce may be experiencing and offers practical ways to support, encourage, and love them. For those going through a divorce it greatly encourages and offers practical biblical advice as well. I highly recommend this book!

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vaneetha is such a blessing to the Church of our generation bringing real honesty and hope in the hard topics and conversations. I gifted this book to a friend going through a divorce knowing it is by someone I trust to be vulnerable and uplifting in such a heavy time.

[Alastair Gooderham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest insight into the painful realities of divorce and life for families thereafter. Fixed our eyes on God’s faithfulness and love without diminishing the painful nature of divorce. Provides a helpful way forward for friends and the church to provide care.

[Jessica Eaton]

I feel the need to caveat this one 😅
I’m not getting divorced, but I do think this would be a good tool in my toolbox.