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272 pages, Hardcover
Published July 7, 2026
His first declaration of love had been bound together with a lie. He had robbed her of the joy she would have otherwise felt at hearing the words of love that she’d been longing to hear. His feelings for her were nothing now, compared to the disappointment she felt about the scholarship. For several wonderful months, she had believed that she had out-written all the English majors, that she, a freshman in education and religious studies, had swept in from nowhere to outperform people in their own discipline, and with an essay she wrote in high school, no less. It had changed her, knowing this. She had enjoyed her feelings of excellence, of superiority. Not only that, but every day, her going to school was a tribute to her mother because it was her mother’s death that had given her the essay, and the essay had given her these golden days in Walla Wall. Her father had been so proud.
Every easy answer she drew from his lips had the effect of watering down his childhood. The dog’s death—move it from the highway to a dirt road, see it from your brother’s room instead of your own, and this does not seem like such a travesty, does not seem to make any difference at all; the dog dies either way. And yet, that dirt road, shimmering with dust, and the window one story higher than the real window, now hovered between Grand and the highway of his memory. It had to confuse his mind. It had to. Again and again she made him say the words, transport the truth to the place it didn’t belong until there existed a ghost childhood that hovered like a veil between him and his own past. A veil she was casting.
It might have been a cruel thing to do, and yet she proceeded with this very intention, to steal form him the truth of his life.
How far will we go down this path together? When will the questions prove too intimate to answer with a lie?
She would take away that which was most precious to him. She would decide his past as he had once, long ago, decided her future.
The floors of my mother’s house were made of dirt. My father had found the place abandoned, an old shack on a space of over-farmed soil. The more we beat it down with our feet, the finer the dirt became. The dust rose with every step, with every gust, with every turn in the night of our bodies in our beds. It settled in our sheets, on our clothes, in our hair, and finally in my mother’s lungs, where it lingered for years before it turned into the infection that turned her, with a bit of time, into dust herself. Sometimes I think, A bit of lumber could have saved her. A few boards. Well. Phrases come from somewhere and “dirt-poor” came from a life like ours, one you couldn’t afford to put a board over.
Jade was used to this, to new boyfriends asking questions about her mother. It was natural to want to know. It was important to her, too, to get the facts all said--I was seven. The St. Joe River. Yes, my mom and I were close. At some point she realized that the only time she ever talked about her mom was when she was entering into a new relationship with someone . . . But with every new boy—she still called them boys, “men” was too ridiculous for what they were—there was a sudden re-emergence of memories, a new reason to say my mother and to feel anew that her mother’s death was a part of who Jade was. Different boys prompted different memories with their questions. So it happened that getting to know a boy was also like getting to know her mother again, recalling things she’d had no reason to think about in a long time. The beginning of a relationship was always the best part, and mainly for this reason. She liked the way the boys brought her mother back. Having drowned once, her mother now returned to her in waves. Those waves were the early days of romance. Hello, Mom, she said into the faces of these curious boys.
They returned to the truck, defeated, elated in their defeat for what it accomplished for them both – a flaring up of old grudges and fat despair inside their hearts. They blamed each other silently. Will blamed Cal for the idea; Cal, Will for indulging it; both of them the other for not being the one dead. In the truck, the air felt to Will bruised and heavy, as if they each had spoken words they would never be able to take back.
Though in truth not a single word was spoken. Though in truth Will had no idea what Cal was thinking and for all he knew Cal might have found the experience cathartic. They drove in silence most of the way and spoke only politely if they spoke at all.
When he was in the room with her, she loved him, she laughed with him, his presence was exhilarating and wonderful. But then he left and often she felt a sick and sinking feeling. As if the truth of him had accidentally been left behind, hovering there before her.
He had never lied in his life. And where had it come from, this terrible lie that served only to ruin him? He was aware that he was undoing the best thing he'd ever done in his life and that he'd never be able to get it back, he'd never now be able to say the truth and be believed.