Content warning: Death, suicide, attempted suicide, affairs
"I am living now in the unhappiest happiness imaginable. Yet, strangely I have no regrets"
"I may wear the skin of an urbane sophisticate, butbin this manuscript I invite you to strip it off and laugh at my stupidity"
I almost cried just by reading these words.
This was my 3rd time reading this stories. Its an autobiographical stories comprised of 51 short anthologies or rather I would call it Akutagawa's musings on his life and principles. It was published posthumously after his death by his close friend. Attached to the manuscript was his letter to him which said he is entitled to release this stories but must not identify or put a names to the people he spoke about.
Cadavers
"If I needed a corpse, I'd kill someone without the slightest malice. Of course, the reply stated where it was - inside his heart"
Man-made wings
"At twenty nine, life noblonger held any brightness for him, but Voltaire supplied him with man made wings.
"The higher he flew, the farther below him sank joyd and sorrows of a lifr bathed in the light of intellect"
We started with his descriptions of his mother whom he described as lunatics and whom he barely have any affection for but also afraid he becomes like her as he lives each days with fear. Then, we moved slowly as he grows to become a writer but pressured to concur with the writing industry, married to a woman he loves but ends up in affairs, growing passion for arts and philosophy but also contradicts most of them, become a father but felt he is useless and unsuitable and each time he muses on death and what does it mean to live.
The Birth
"Why did this one have to be born - to come into the worls like all the others, this world so full of suffering?"
Comic Puppet
"He wanted to live life so intensely that he could die at any moment without regrets"
Stuffed Swan (this particularly hits me the hardest)
"As he thought about his lifr, he felt both tears and mockery welling up inside him. All that lay before him was madness or suicide"
I couldn't put into words or make a proper dissection on this one because its personal and raw and basically him telling his own stories in the most vulnerable state he was in, secrets being unburied, darkest desires and emotions being poured out, philosophy shared and contradicted and generally him saying he is unable to be a man worth enough to live. Its quite painful in a away but subtly conveyed in each short passages he wrote.
Interestingly enough, he wrote these using third point of view as if it was another person but it was actually him. Maybe he tries to separate the creation he wrote about from his life but he knows so well it is him and will always be him.
2. Death Register
In here, we see his life in full lights with him describing the death of his insane mother, an elder sister he barely knew, and the father who left him when he was an infant but always tried to reconcile with him somehow. Akutagawa doesnt get love from his real parents but he was given plenty by his adoptive parents. This was poetic and lyrical piece of essay he wrotes on each of his family members and ones that I felt most attached to was his recall of his father's dying on his deathbed. Such a sad moment. The story ended with a haiku as went to visit the graves of his beloved, his thoughts of them dying as if they are fortunate enough to die rather than live.