If I Don't Return: A Father's Wartime Journal

by Mark Hertling

"This journal was once a gift to our young sons. It is now a gift to anyone who cares to read it."
When Major Mark Hertling deployed to Iraq in 1990 as the operations officer of an armored cavalry squadron, his unit was told 50 percent of them would likely sustain casualties. To him, that meant he might not return home and may perhaps never see his family again. To prepare for that potential outcome, he began keeping a journal, hoping that one day, if he didn't return, his stories and wisdom would be passed to his young sons.
In an army-issued green notebook, Mark began recording his thoughts and hopes for his boys. He wrote of character, leadership, camaraderie, battles, cultural differences, religion, love, fear, and the things he wanted his boys to know about him and his experiences. In unfiltered, handwritten entries, Hertling captured the reality of combat in Operation Desert the waiting and missions, the chaos and courage, the brotherhood and grief, and the lessons of duty and humanity forged in war. What began as a father's private messages became a rare chronicle of leadership and life in preparation for the crucible of battle.
But he survived, returned home, and was able to watch his boys grow into men. Decades later, after both his sons became combat veterans themselves, one of them typed those original pages as a gift to his dad—to preserve the legacy for the family's next generation. In revisiting those original journal entries, Hertling—having been promoted, having served in various positions, and having returned to the battlefields of Iraq over the next two decades—added reflections drawn from his life. Reflecting on various military assignments, then his post-retirement jobs as a cable news analyst, health care executive, and professor of leadership, these journal entries now provide valuable lessons on character, leadership, and service.
Part battlefield memoir, part father's journal, part meditation on the challenges of leadership, If I Don't Return is the story of a soldier who faced death, returned home, and continued to live a life of service.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Military Fiction, History, War, American History, Politics

350 pages, Hardcover

Published March 10, 2026

Reviews

[Curtis C. MacRae]

A good father, a good man

I was surprised his notes to his sons only went for a few months, but what great lessons he provided. A good read and some nice life lessons. Wishing we had this kind of integrity at the highest levels today.

[Gregory Moore]

I typically don't share book reviews, but this one holds personal significance for me, and yes I'll explain...

As a simple description, this is a book about LEADERSHIP, whether leading your family, your coworkers or simply just conducting yourself in way that inspires others to follow. If you aspire to lead in any capacity or wish to gain insight into the fabric of real and inspiring leaders, this book is a must-read.

You might recognize Lt. General Mark Hertling from his frequent appearances on CNN as a military commentator, or maybe you know him because he commanded the US Army's 1st Armored Division during the "surge" period of the Iraq War.

I know General Hertling because I served with him in 1/1 Cavalry (1st Armored Division) during Operation Desert Storm, which is the backdrop setting for this book and General Hertling's memoir writings contained therein. Mind you, he was a Major at the time, the S3 officer for our unit, and I was a 19 year-old Private just barely out of High School, having arrived at our unit in Katterbach, Germany just three days before myself and the rest of A Troop hopped on another plane and flew to Saudi Arabia for Operation Desert Shield. In fact, I turned 19 on the day the plane landed in Riyadh that December of 1990.

Frankly, there were no other soldiers in our unit more green than I was, couldn't possibly have been. Major Hertling was busy attending war strategy meetings and I was busy pulling guard duty, cleaning weapons, and literally burning sh*t. This is the duty -could easily have inserted "doodie" here- you get when you have ZERO rank. I'm happy to say Gen. Hertling acknowledged us lowly field-sanitation-heroes in this book. You certainly could say we both had our "roles."

l was really looking forward to reading Gen Hertling's memory recall. Would it line up with mine? Well, YES is the short answer. The longer answer is that it brought on a swarm of memories, feelings/emotions that maybe I wasn't ready for but really needed and yes, even enjoyed processing.

What I wasn't expecting was how surprisingly well General Hertling's writing brings the experience of being a Soldier (whether officer or enlisted) into something that can be understood by the reader and easily translated into life philosophical lessons. In fact, the book is just that, a leadership and life philosophy lesson, delivered to his then young sons as it's initially intended audience, with real combat experience as it's spicy ingredient.

General Hertling became somewhat a legend amongst those of us who served with him during Desert Storm. He was the officer who continued calling in the A-10s and the artillery, even after having been wounded from friendly rocket fire, during the battle that would be later named "Medina Ridge." General Hertling opens up about his feelings here, something notoriously difficult for soldiers, and the result is a very real and powerful message about leadership and life.

[Bill Gentilesco]

Wow !!!! Wonderful and heartfelt reflections and insight a young soldier wrote for his sons in the event he did not return from war. I have to admit that I was so overtaken with emotion at times I had to put the book down and return to it later, even though I was anxious to read what was next. The reflections as well as the original entries were excellently combined.
A code of trust and humility for all of us to aspire towards. Thank you Lt General (retired) Mark Hertling !!!!!!

[Peter Tillman]

WSJ's reviewer gave this book high marks:
https://www.wsj.com/arts-culture/book...
(Paywalled. As always, I'm happy to email a copy to non-subscribers)
Excerpts:
"Both of Mr. Hertling’s sons grew up to become Army officers, deploying multiple times to Iraq and elsewhere. (I belonged to the same ROTC battalion as Mr. Hertling’s eldest; he once spent a long afternoon teaching me how to march.) Military service in 21st-century America has increasingly become a family trade—according to Pew, 70% of new recruits report a family member serving before them...."

"Mr. Hertling didn’t return home after Saddam’s defeat in 1991. In the liminal space after combat, Mr. Hertling played volleyball with Iraqi deserters. A group of American soldiers found rotting corpses in the desert that had been left there for weeks. They buried them as no one else was around to do it. Returning from war is never clean nor quick."

This sort of thing makes me eternally grateful that I manged to stay out of combat during my service, during the Vietnam war.

[Gail Sullivan-bertran]

I heard an interview with the author and it sounded so fascinating that I went right out and got the book and am listening to it now. UPDATE, I just finished it, it was long and since I am not of a military nature some parts were very dry but it was still very worthwhile to read. After all the whole reason he kept a journal was the main point!! So I listened to all of his remarks that he made afterwards and I agree that it is very worthwhile to listen to and really appreciate that he took the time to write this!!

[Bonnie]

The humility that he possesses is so powerful for his experience as a US Army General, is truly remarkable.

[Fay]

An essential read.

[Jim Szatkowski]

Mark Hertling was a career soldier (retired as a lieutenant general) who commanded armored cavalry in Europe and Iraq. When he was deployed to Iraq in December 1990, he started a journal in which he makes notes to his sons (then 8 and 11) about his day-to-day experiences. He wanted them to know not only what he did and show examples of everyday life in combat, but also leave lessons for them to learn as they matured.

His impetus to start the project was a comment form a briefing in which his commander stated that 50 percent of the troops being deployed would likely not return. In the event his would be killed, he wanted to leave a message to his sons. As it turns out, U.S. casualties were far less, and he was able to bring the journal (which covered Dec 1990 to April 1991) back homme.

It sat for a while before he gave it to his sons. As an adult, one of them took the hand-written journal and typed it up and gave it to his father, suggesting he write a book based on it.

The format of the book is to present a daily diary entry and then post a reflection. The reflections at times add on and interpret the diary entries, and at times bring in Hertling's thoughts on leadership and life.

Hertling has lectured and taught many times about leadership in the military and in medicine, a career field he entered after leaving the Army. A lot of the reflections seem to be ways for him to make the points about leadership that he must use frequently in his teaching.

This book allows a glimpse into the life of a combat officer, but also gives a broader view of leadership, and the way forward to an effective and enriching life.

[Annie Guy]

Mark Hertling is a good man, and in this book he reminds us of the many dedicated, intelligent, honorable, and respectful leaders there are in the military, in spite of the leaders at the top.

[Michael McCallum]

A great read!

One of the best, if not the best, memoirs I have ever read. Every person who aspires to leadership should read and heed the leadership lessons in this text.

[Lisa Horner]

Mark Hertling is a good man. That is loud and clear from his writing. What a gift he gave his sons when he wrote his journal entries back in 1991. And what a gift he gave the rest of us by reflecting on those originals entries and putting it all in a book. If only more Americans had his wisdom and virtue. I found the particulars of his experience in Operation Desert Storm interesting, and his reflections contain good nuggets of wisdom that we can all carry in life.

[Marna Weaver]

I am not one to read a book about war. But this was different. The author shared his journal that he wrote to his boys when he was not sure he would come home from Desert Storm. Now 35 years later he expounds on what it was like in war. He is a very good writer and clearly a very successful man in life.

[Joanne Bollhofer-White]

Wonderful insight into a soldier's journey

I really enjoyed LTG (ret) Hertling's journal and his follow on comments. He takes the reader through many emotions as he grows during his time deployed in Operation Desert Storm. He shows that true leadership is based on what you can do not what is done for you. This is especially important during the chaotic times we are living through.

[Joe Negron]

A solid collection of what it means to be a leader. The book is full of advice to those that are leaders or are looking to improve their leadership capabilities.

I love the way he uses the letters to his son to then tell a story about people, life, and what it means to live an exemplify the best of leadership within integrity.

[Rochelle Kaplan]

3.5 stars Heartfelt book from a thoughtful and genuine person. I had the privilege of meeting Mark Hertling twice and had this book signed by him. His message is an important one. The book was highly repetitious. That said it should be required reading in leadership programs.

[MARIBETH GRAY]

so elegantly written

Lieutenant General Mark Hurtley

This a beautiful book all the details.

Job well done. Thank you for your service. Thank your family for their service

[Michelle]

A quality book written by a quality human being.

[Kays 5 and 10]

If I Don’t Return is a long letter by General Hertling to his sons when he was sent to Kuwait in 1991.
Hertling feared that his two sons would never know him if he was killed in combat. While in combat, he sent them letters, and the book is those letters plus explanations. Many of the explanations are not pretty. Hertling describes the horrors of war and the almost worse horrors after the war as society implodes. I think Secretary of State Colin Powell said, if you break it, you own it. Not the best written book, but a tearjerker when you realize the colossal sacrifice that our troops and their families make to keep us free. This book made me proud of our soldiers. With an army like this, we are in good hands for the future. Hertling believes that our amazing and easy success during the Kuwait war came back to bite us, as we figured Afghanistan would also be easy. Both Afghanistan and Iraq both turned out to be nightmares for their citizens and us. Hertling is an absolute hero, as not only did he serve in the Kuwait War but he also had, I believe, two tours in Iraq after that war. While we are coddled in America, these men are protecting us. Also protecting us are the families who serve while fearing the worst, and trying to shield young children from the truth of their parents warfare.

[Thad Seymour]

This is one of those books that I expect to refer back to many times in the years ahead. It is personal, but intellectually rigorous. It conveys messy historical events, with important life and leadership lessons drawn from each. Lieutenant General Mark Hertling is a patriot and a role model, to his family, professional colleagues, and to all who read his insightful words. I highly recommend setting aside focused time to absorb his wisdom, told through a career of experience in service to his country.

This book is a particularly valuable contribution to the extensive literature on leadership. At the core of effective leadership, Lt. General Hertling argues, is trust -- hard to earn, easy to lose. He also provides excellent examples of why values are core to effective leaders and to successful organizations. But, as he sums up, "values only matter when they are whole and lived." Lt. General Hertling has lived his values throughout his remarkable life and we are fortunate that he has opened a window for us through which we can see what shaped him as a respected public servant and leader.

I have known Lt. General Hertling for many years and he is in person the same humble yet impactful leader who comes across so powerfully on every page of this remarkable book.

[Connie Ciampanelli]

It is appropriate that I complete this American patriot's reflections on the eve of our nation's 250th anniversary.

The genesis of Lt. Gen. (ret.) Mark Hertling's journal was his writing it, in the event that he did not survive, for his two young sons during his deployment to the Desert Storm war. Should the worst happen, he hoped to leave behind a sense of who he was as a man, a husband, a father, a soldier, and for his children to understand his philosophy of life, about leadership, trust, love.

For Christmas, 2024, Hertling's younger son presented him with a copy of that journal, typed and bound from the original hand-written document. Encouraged by his family to expand upon his journal entries with current-day reflections on those days in 1990-1991. Hertling's work is a unique document, a legacy not only for his own family, but also for all patriotic Americans.

[Ph. D.]

Mark Hertling is a true hero, to his family and to all Americans. What he originally intended as a posthumous gift to his wife and sons is now a gift to all of us. "If I Don't Return" is a portrait of servant leadership.

My only criticism -- and this is just me -- is how technical his account is in places, especially in the early part of the mission. I have to confess that I skimmed some of that. But General Hertling observes that his entries grew more thoughtful and introspective over time, reflecting his own personal growth.

"Thank you for your service" has become a cliche'. But I am truly grateful for General Mark Hertling and his integrity, humility, honesty, empathy, and courage.

[John Clarke]

If you lead people in any capacity whether in business, healthcare, education, or the military this book belongs on your shelf. Hertling doesn't just tell you what leadership looks like; he shows it through unfiltered journal entries written when the stakes were literally life and death. His unit was told 50 percent of them would likely sustain casualties. In that context, every decision mattered. Every word to his men carried weight. The journal captures the waiting and missions, the chaos and courage, the brotherhood and grief. Then Hertling adds decades of retrospective reflections from his later roles as a commander, cable news analyst, healthcare executive, and professor of leadership. This dual perspective makes it an unparalleled study in authentic leadership.

[Samuel Rose]

Mark Hertling began this journal not knowing if he would survive Desert Storm, writing to his young sons in case he never came home. What makes this book so powerful is the raw honesty of those original entries a father pouring out his fears, hopes, and the values he wanted his boys to carry forward. Hertling writes about character, leadership, camaraderie, and the things he wanted his sons to know about him. Decades later, after both his sons became combat veterans themselves, one of them typed those handwritten pages as a gift back to his father. This isn't just a war memoir it's a multigenerational story of love, legacy, and the enduring bond between a father and his children. Highly recommended for anyone who has ever wondered what they would leave behind.

[Calista Rowan]

I've read a lot of leadership books. Most of them are recycled buzzwords from people who've never actually led anyone through anything difficult. This one is different. Hertling doesn't just tell you what leadership looks like. He shows you. He writes about the waiting and missions, the chaos and courage, the brotherhood and grief, and the lessons of duty and humanity forged in war. He writes about making decisions when you don't know the outcome. About carrying responsibility when you can't control what happens. About owning your mistakes and learning from them. And then he shows how those same principles apply to healthcare, media, and academia. This is the real thing. If you lead anyone or anything, read this book.

[Christopher Lucas]

The opening line of this book gave me chills: "This journal was once a gift to our young sons. It is now a gift to anyone who cares to read it." Hertling started writing in late 1990 during the buildup to Desert Storm. The Pentagon was forecasting heavy casualties and Saddam Hussein had already used chemical weapons against the Kurds. Hertling was a pensive Army major on his first combat deployment, keenly aware that he might die. He wrote to organize his thoughts and leave something behind for his two young sons. The fact that he survived, watched his boys become combat veterans themselves, and then added reflections from a lifetime of service that makes this book something truly rare. It's not just a memoir. It's a conversation between who he was and who he became.

[Vincenzo Dennis]

I've read a lot of leadership books. Most of them are recycled buzzwords from people who've never actually led anyone through anything difficult. This one is different. Hertling doesn't just tell you what leadership looks like. He shows you. He writes about the waiting and missions, the chaos and courage, the brotherhood and grief, and the lessons of duty and humanity forged in war. He writes about making decisions when you don't know the outcome. About carrying responsibility when you can't control what happens. About owning your mistakes and learning from them. And then he shows how those same principles apply to healthcare, media, and academia. This is the real thing. If you lead anyone or anything, read this book.

[Eden Fronst]

Wow !!!! Wonderful and heartfelt reflections and insight a young soldier wrote for his sons in the event he did not return from war. I have to admit that I was so overtaken with emotion at times I had to put the book down and return to it later, even though I was anxious to read what was next. The reflections as well as the original entries were excellently combined. A code of trust and humility for all of us to aspire towards. Thank you Lt General (retired) Mark Hertling !!! This is the story every soldier wants to tell but struggles to put into words. Deeply personal, incredibly moving, and storytelling at its finest!

[Steven Bethea]

What I didn't expect from this book was how much it would make me think about my own family. Hertling wrote those journal entries thinking he might never see his sons grow up. He wanted them to know about character, leadership, camaraderie, and the things he valued most. Decades later, his sons became combat veterans themselves. And one of them typed up those original pages as a gift to his father to preserve the legacy for the next generation. That act of love adds a profound layer to an already moving book. I finished it and immediately called my dad. That's the highest compliment I can give.

[Rosery Lorey]

I keep coming back to the humility in this book. Hertling writes that "humility prevents power from becoming arrogance, wisdom from becoming pride, and strength from becoming cruelty." He advises leaders to "take your job, but never yourself, seriously." And he says that "it's good to be humble enough to learn. To be bold enough to explore. And to be wise enough to know that culture isn't about comparison. It's about connections." These aren't generic leadership platitudes. These are lessons he learned in combat, tested over decades, and is now passing on to us. That's why this book belongs on every leader's shelf.

[Mike Andrew]

This book is much more than its subtitle suggests. Yes, it's a father's wartime journal. But it's also about history, philosophy, self-reflection, self-help, and most especially, leadership. Hertling builds the entire book around the concept of trust—trust in your soldiers, trust in your leaders, trust in yourself. He saw the value of trust during the First Gulf War when objectives were clear, the coalition was strong, and the American people were united. And he saw what happens when that trust breaks down in longer, more complicated conflicts. That contrast is what makes this book so relevant today. Every leader should read it.