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Children: The Challenge
Children: The Challenge gives the key to parents who seek to build trust and love in their families, and raise happier, healthier, and better behaved children.
Based on a lifetime of experience with children — their problems, their delights, their challenges — Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, one of America’s foremost child psychiatrists presents an easy-to-follow program that teaches parents how to cope with the common childhood problems that occur from toddler years through early adolescence.
This warm and reassuring reference helps parents to understand their children’s actions better, giving them the guidance necessary to discipline lovingly and effectively, all while fostering a healthy environment in which children will grow and develop into successful teenagers and adults.
Based on a lifetime of experience with children — their problems, their delights, their challenges — Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, one of America’s foremost child psychiatrists presents an easy-to-follow program that teaches parents how to cope with the common childhood problems that occur from toddler years through early adolescence.
This warm and reassuring reference helps parents to understand their children’s actions better, giving them the guidance necessary to discipline lovingly and effectively, all while fostering a healthy environment in which children will grow and develop into successful teenagers and adults.
335 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1964
126 people are currently reading
1774 people want to read
About the author
Rudolf Dreikurs
80 books21 followersRudolf Dreikurs was an Austrian psychiatrist and educator. He emigrated to the United States in 1937, in order to escape Nazi persecution, because of his jewish background. Dreikurs became a professor of psychiatry at the Chicago Medical School in 1942.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 134 reviews
October 30, 2009
I became a mother at the age of 18. When I first attended a parenting class (when my daughter was two) they recommended this book and I bought it and read it.
Between the class and the book I found myself catapulted on a journey that, 19 years later, I am still enjoying every minute of.
I raised my firstborn by teaching those parenting classes and referring often to the book, reading it over and over again.
My daughter is now 21 and my second child is three years old. I cannot say enough good things about this book! It enabled me to believe in myself as a parent and as an individual and it freed me to enjoy both of my children. It also encouraged me to seek a future in helping others learn and understand the precepts of truly exceptional parenting.
I am now founding an organization in Kansas City that will focus on promoting the ideas Dreikurs puts forth through parenting classes, classes to healthcare and daycare providers, and eventually to teen mothers.
Thanks to Dreikurs and the classes I attended and later taught, I became a truly exceptional mother despite my youth. I hope I can help promote change in other's lives in just the same manner.
Between the class and the book I found myself catapulted on a journey that, 19 years later, I am still enjoying every minute of.
I raised my firstborn by teaching those parenting classes and referring often to the book, reading it over and over again.
My daughter is now 21 and my second child is three years old. I cannot say enough good things about this book! It enabled me to believe in myself as a parent and as an individual and it freed me to enjoy both of my children. It also encouraged me to seek a future in helping others learn and understand the precepts of truly exceptional parenting.
I am now founding an organization in Kansas City that will focus on promoting the ideas Dreikurs puts forth through parenting classes, classes to healthcare and daycare providers, and eventually to teen mothers.
Thanks to Dreikurs and the classes I attended and later taught, I became a truly exceptional mother despite my youth. I hope I can help promote change in other's lives in just the same manner.
October 30, 2011
The best book on parenting ever. When things go poorly, it's simply because I haven't re-read this book recently enough.
october 2011 - rereading this, it is as good as helpful as ever.
october 2011 - rereading this, it is as good as helpful as ever.
October 7, 2011
Be loving but firm.
Parents talk too much. Replace talk with action.
The freedom to wave one's hand stops a few inches from where another's nose begins.
Those are some of the lessons I had learned when rearing my children to be civilized, considerate and compassionate. The world came to their doors, breaking the boundaries which my protective arms wanted to hold fast. I learned from Deirkurs to let that world enter my children's world naturally, without me jumping in to change its rules. I learned from Dreikurs that daily life could be a lot simpler and manageable if we, parents, did not complicate it with over-doing and over-talking.
Therefore, if you do not eat at mealtime, I will not put more food in front of you an hour or two later.
If you bicker with your siblings to get my attention, I will remove myself from the situation so you can solve your problems on your own.
But if you behave in ways that deny others' rights, the world will not permit you to join it ranks--and I will not go against the world as an enabler for your bad behavior. Instead, you will be banned from civilized activities.
I only say something once. The next time, without words (not even a repeat for emphasis), I will act. (i.e., drive away without you if you are not ready, remove you from the room, take away your plate of food, put away the toy you're breaking, will not take you along on the family trip.)
If you make noise in public places, you encroach on rights of others around you. If you kick the seat of the passenger sitting in front of you, you encroach on the physical space and body of another. I will only tell you once, but if you continue, I will ask the recipient of your inconsiderate behavior to tell you to stop. It's between you and that stranger, and you'd better learn that your mom will not stand up for your right to be obnoxious.
I would have hated it if my husband pointed to another woman and said, "Why can't your hair look like hers?" Yet we set up siblings against one another with daily comparisons that inevitably create competition. Avoiding such minute comparisons was the #1 rule I instructed a babysitter. None was ever allowed to tell a child to wash her hands as her sister has done, or to keep his room neat has his brother's.
Dreikurs offers many practical lessons to apply to individual children and to dealing with them as a pack, all stem from his basic theory of "democracy, not anarchy," recognizing others' rights and treat them all with dignity. That includes ourselves, parents, who must be taken seriously and be listened to and treated with respect.
Although some forms of discipline are no longer acceptable to us (e.g., leaving a child home alone,)decades later, I must say that Dreikurs' approach is still a great success. It had been extremely successful in my family.
Parents talk too much. Replace talk with action.
The freedom to wave one's hand stops a few inches from where another's nose begins.
Those are some of the lessons I had learned when rearing my children to be civilized, considerate and compassionate. The world came to their doors, breaking the boundaries which my protective arms wanted to hold fast. I learned from Deirkurs to let that world enter my children's world naturally, without me jumping in to change its rules. I learned from Dreikurs that daily life could be a lot simpler and manageable if we, parents, did not complicate it with over-doing and over-talking.
Therefore, if you do not eat at mealtime, I will not put more food in front of you an hour or two later.
If you bicker with your siblings to get my attention, I will remove myself from the situation so you can solve your problems on your own.
But if you behave in ways that deny others' rights, the world will not permit you to join it ranks--and I will not go against the world as an enabler for your bad behavior. Instead, you will be banned from civilized activities.
I only say something once. The next time, without words (not even a repeat for emphasis), I will act. (i.e., drive away without you if you are not ready, remove you from the room, take away your plate of food, put away the toy you're breaking, will not take you along on the family trip.)
If you make noise in public places, you encroach on rights of others around you. If you kick the seat of the passenger sitting in front of you, you encroach on the physical space and body of another. I will only tell you once, but if you continue, I will ask the recipient of your inconsiderate behavior to tell you to stop. It's between you and that stranger, and you'd better learn that your mom will not stand up for your right to be obnoxious.
I would have hated it if my husband pointed to another woman and said, "Why can't your hair look like hers?" Yet we set up siblings against one another with daily comparisons that inevitably create competition. Avoiding such minute comparisons was the #1 rule I instructed a babysitter. None was ever allowed to tell a child to wash her hands as her sister has done, or to keep his room neat has his brother's.
Dreikurs offers many practical lessons to apply to individual children and to dealing with them as a pack, all stem from his basic theory of "democracy, not anarchy," recognizing others' rights and treat them all with dignity. That includes ourselves, parents, who must be taken seriously and be listened to and treated with respect.
Although some forms of discipline are no longer acceptable to us (e.g., leaving a child home alone,)decades later, I must say that Dreikurs' approach is still a great success. It had been extremely successful in my family.
June 9, 2013
A mother of 11 recommended this book to me. Her children, all grown now, seem to be well adjusted, happy and successful. I asked her what book helped her the most to navigate the stressful "mommy years" and to develop strong problem solving techniques while raising her children. This was the one book she suggested immediately. Although written in 1964, and realizing that some of the scenarios are clearly dated (quite comical actually) , it is a very helpful read. I found that as I applied these techniques with my boys I came from stressful situations feeling like we had problem solved heated moments civilly and respectfully, which can sometimes be difficult with preteens. I love the concept that respect and cooperation are essential in developing a harmonious home environment (obviously), and appreciated how their "how to's" are simple, straight forward and help me to develop my own self awareness and restraint. Honestly, many of the methods reminded me of the Eyre's "The Entitlement Trap" book. (Love that book as well.) A definite good read and empowering!
April 11, 2008
What I learned from this book - how to be a sane parent!
Recently my husband and I were pulling our hair out when our son was being COMPLETELY unconcerned about his school work and we had done everything we knew short of violence to get him back on track. Jon pulled this off the shelf - as we have several times since we took a Driekurs parenting class through our kids montessori pre-school.
It was miraculous - I realized I personally had gotten way too all up in my son's business. I walked in his room and said, "I remembered your work is up to you." After that I stayed much more uninvolved and LO and behold he picked it up and has done fine since then. Over and over again this book - though terribly dated with parent gender roles is still more timely and tuned in then the latest hottest parenting book of the day.
Recently my husband and I were pulling our hair out when our son was being COMPLETELY unconcerned about his school work and we had done everything we knew short of violence to get him back on track. Jon pulled this off the shelf - as we have several times since we took a Driekurs parenting class through our kids montessori pre-school.
It was miraculous - I realized I personally had gotten way too all up in my son's business. I walked in his room and said, "I remembered your work is up to you." After that I stayed much more uninvolved and LO and behold he picked it up and has done fine since then. Over and over again this book - though terribly dated with parent gender roles is still more timely and tuned in then the latest hottest parenting book of the day.
May 16, 2010
This book was given to me by my mother because it helped her when my sister and I were little girls. I was hesitant at first, because I don't agree with everything in the book. But, it has a lot of very logical ideas for parenting that make sense to me. I have started to put some of them into practice and it is working for me so far. My only criticism is that it is outdated in the situational examples. For instance, it says that if Timmy is not behaving in the grocery store, you should simply remove him and leave him in the car while you finish shopping (but it doesn't tell you how you should explain to CPS what he was doing in the hot car by himself for an hour).
February 19, 2008
This is by far the BEST book on parenting that I have ever read, both as a parent and as someone who has done graduate studies in psychology.
This book is clear and easy to understand, the advice is easy to implement, and, while this book is very firmly rooted in psychology, it is written plainly and is NOT patronizing or anxiety-provoking for the parent who is at his/her wits-end.
I have read loads and loads of books on the matter from technical texts to practical books written by ordinary people and this is the one I always come back to.
This book is clear and easy to understand, the advice is easy to implement, and, while this book is very firmly rooted in psychology, it is written plainly and is NOT patronizing or anxiety-provoking for the parent who is at his/her wits-end.
I have read loads and loads of books on the matter from technical texts to practical books written by ordinary people and this is the one I always come back to.
January 19, 2011
Didn't just read this one, I studied it (even took notes!). Just what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. The old-school style had me laughing in a few places (written in the 60s) but the advice is just as applicable today. Guidance instead of dominance, encouragement instead of criticism, action instead of nagging lectures, natural consequences instead of arbitrary punishments & rewards, kids who settle their own disputes, etc... Lots of changes for the Pelo kids lately and a much more relaxed, confident mom as I step out of their fights and try to use my brain more than my mouth :).
September 10, 2011
This parenting book was written in the 60's. It's a little old fashioned but I think most of the principles still hold true today. In years past, the typical relationship between parents and children was more of a dictatorship. If parents said to do something you did it or you were in big trouble. But as the relationship between parents and children is becoming more democratic, parents aren't quite sure what to do. This book teaches how to improve parent-child relationships and how to win your kids' cooperation.
This book was very easy to read and teaches one new principle per chapter. And in each chapter there are multiple examples to show how to apply the principle in real-world situations. One of my favorite chapters was about encouragement. Children need constant encouragement, not just from what we say, but from how we act. I have a tendency to do a lot of things for my children because it seems so much easier for me to do it than to make them. But everytime I do that, I'm showing them I think they aren't capable or I think that it's too hard for them. "Parental love is best demonstrated through constant encouragement toward independence. We need to start at birth and maintain it all through childhood." Another of my favorite chapters was about fighting between siblings. Most parents spend a lot of time settling fights. But really when we always get involved, it keeps the kids from learning to get along and being responsible for their own relationships. Kids love to provoke a sibling to hit them so they can tattle and get brother or sister in trouble with mom and dad. In the chapter he explains how "when kids are left to their own devices, they establish far more equal and just relationships than we can provide for them."
This book was very easy to read and teaches one new principle per chapter. And in each chapter there are multiple examples to show how to apply the principle in real-world situations. One of my favorite chapters was about encouragement. Children need constant encouragement, not just from what we say, but from how we act. I have a tendency to do a lot of things for my children because it seems so much easier for me to do it than to make them. But everytime I do that, I'm showing them I think they aren't capable or I think that it's too hard for them. "Parental love is best demonstrated through constant encouragement toward independence. We need to start at birth and maintain it all through childhood." Another of my favorite chapters was about fighting between siblings. Most parents spend a lot of time settling fights. But really when we always get involved, it keeps the kids from learning to get along and being responsible for their own relationships. Kids love to provoke a sibling to hit them so they can tattle and get brother or sister in trouble with mom and dad. In the chapter he explains how "when kids are left to their own devices, they establish far more equal and just relationships than we can provide for them."
April 20, 2016
This is a mixed review. I would give this book 5 stars for the material about avoiding punishment and rewards, respectful and self-confident (not helpless or strict) parenting, encouraging your child's self-concept and independence and responsibility and internal discipline, ending nagging and power struggles, replacing talking/lectures with action, changing the family dynamic, and more.
This book is actually life-changing in that regard--just a few weeks after I started reading it, and the endless tantrums and power struggles with my five year old are pretty much a thing of the past. Instead of nagging her every step of the way to get her ready for school in the morning, she gets up and gets herself dressed and ready and leaves for school on time (for real). It's magic!
Dinging it a star (or maybe even two) for some of the seriously dated and dangerous examples or ideas in here dating from the 60s. The ideas all make sense for toddlers and up, but there are examples in here of how you should ignore a 3-week old baby crying and not pick them up too much so as to encourage independence. (Um, no!) Or if your kids are misbehaving in the supermarket, just LEAVE THEM IN THE CAR. (Um, no!) The book also advises that you should not interfere if a stepparent or your spouse is beating your child, and should just tell your child "you must have done something to encourage it, you'll have to figure out how to make them stop hitting you." (Um, no!) And then all the dated Mommy=homemaker and Daddy=breadwinner crap too.
But seriously, really worth a read and trying out the useful and pretty great ideas from the rest of the book.
This book is actually life-changing in that regard--just a few weeks after I started reading it, and the endless tantrums and power struggles with my five year old are pretty much a thing of the past. Instead of nagging her every step of the way to get her ready for school in the morning, she gets up and gets herself dressed and ready and leaves for school on time (for real). It's magic!
Dinging it a star (or maybe even two) for some of the seriously dated and dangerous examples or ideas in here dating from the 60s. The ideas all make sense for toddlers and up, but there are examples in here of how you should ignore a 3-week old baby crying and not pick them up too much so as to encourage independence. (Um, no!) Or if your kids are misbehaving in the supermarket, just LEAVE THEM IN THE CAR. (Um, no!) The book also advises that you should not interfere if a stepparent or your spouse is beating your child, and should just tell your child "you must have done something to encourage it, you'll have to figure out how to make them stop hitting you." (Um, no!) And then all the dated Mommy=homemaker and Daddy=breadwinner crap too.
But seriously, really worth a read and trying out the useful and pretty great ideas from the rest of the book.
January 17, 2022
„Aš neturiu teisės bausti asmenį, turintį vienodą statusą, bet aš privalau savo vaiką pastūmėti teisinga linkme. Aš neturiu teisės primesti savo valios, bet esu įpareigotas nepasiduoti perdėtiems vaiko reikalavimams.“
Du sakiniai, kuriuos verta nuolat pasikartoti tėvams.
Knyga parašyta senokai - pirmą kartą ji išleista 1964 metais. Nepaisant metų, knyga iki šiol išlieka aktuali, nors tikrai yra pokyčių vaiko auginime ir auklėjime. Pirmoji knygos pusė - apie vaiko drąsą - labai patiko. Antroji knygos pusė - irgi patiko, bet joje jau yra niuansų dėl kurių galėčiau ginčytis ir nenorėčiau sutikti su autoriaus nuomone.
Visgi, tarp rutinos ir nuolatinio skubėjimo, tokios knygos man labai reikėjo. Ji - įkvepia vėl sustoti ir pagalvoti, ką ir kaip sakau savo vaikams, kaip jie priima mano žodžius, mintis, emocijas ir kokie vaikystės prisiminimai atmintyje išliks svarbiausi ir gražiausi.
Džiaugiuosi, kad knygoje daug pavyzdžių, o po jų seka knygos autoriaus komentarai apie situaciją ir kaip galėjo pasielgti tėvai, kad išvengtų konflikto.
Knyga kviečia ir tėvus, ir vaikus augti ir vystytis kartu, diskutuoti, mokytis gyventi kartu, nepaisant asmenybės skirtumų, ramiai, be pakelto tono, spręsti konfliktus ir džiaugtis gyvenimu ir šeimos bendryste.
Du sakiniai, kuriuos verta nuolat pasikartoti tėvams.
Knyga parašyta senokai - pirmą kartą ji išleista 1964 metais. Nepaisant metų, knyga iki šiol išlieka aktuali, nors tikrai yra pokyčių vaiko auginime ir auklėjime. Pirmoji knygos pusė - apie vaiko drąsą - labai patiko. Antroji knygos pusė - irgi patiko, bet joje jau yra niuansų dėl kurių galėčiau ginčytis ir nenorėčiau sutikti su autoriaus nuomone.
Visgi, tarp rutinos ir nuolatinio skubėjimo, tokios knygos man labai reikėjo. Ji - įkvepia vėl sustoti ir pagalvoti, ką ir kaip sakau savo vaikams, kaip jie priima mano žodžius, mintis, emocijas ir kokie vaikystės prisiminimai atmintyje išliks svarbiausi ir gražiausi.
Džiaugiuosi, kad knygoje daug pavyzdžių, o po jų seka knygos autoriaus komentarai apie situaciją ir kaip galėjo pasielgti tėvai, kad išvengtų konflikto.
Knyga kviečia ir tėvus, ir vaikus augti ir vystytis kartu, diskutuoti, mokytis gyventi kartu, nepaisant asmenybės skirtumų, ramiai, be pakelto tono, spręsti konfliktus ir džiaugtis gyvenimu ir šeimos bendryste.
December 2, 2007
I took a class along with this book and it is life-changing! :) It is a little old fashioned at points and sexist, but look beyond that and the whole concept really works amazingly well. Truely helps you to understand yourself, other adults and your children better. Couldn't be more highly recommended.
July 22, 2016
Yes, this book is outdated to a cringe-inducing degree (nuclear family, women's role, heteronormative, ethnocentric)... but it proposed new (to me) and brilliant ideas about parenting.
May 10, 2018
I finished this a year ago and have been waiting to give it the review that it deserves for persuasively and coolly changing all my ideas about parenting. The gist: kids are needy flowers that need constant talking and praising and misbehavior is nothing personal but an experimental method to get more attention. There is some outdated language in here, but if you can get past that there is some truly level-headed and practical thinking in here which was utterly soothing and extremely useful to my feverish parent brain. I would like Rudolf Dreikurs as a parent.
December 28, 2020
Read for a workshop. The examples in this book are woefully out of date (hello, physical abuse and mothers doing all the parenting) but there are lots of good concepts here. It's helped us foster more independence in our children.
July 27, 2021
Excellent. While I (strongly) disagree with some chapters/ principles, and the book is a bit old (and shows in its language), I appreciated the simple (not easy) approach to showing respect and care for your child.
December 15, 2018
Kniha by som odporúčal najmä pre kosačkových a vrtuľníkových rodičov. Nepochopím, prečo takmer všetky knihy o výchove detí ašpirujú na titul Najškaredšia obálka. Pod graficky divným obalom sa pritom skrýva plno hodnotných myšlienok z tzv. adlerovskej alebo individuálnej psychológie. Hoci niektoré myšlienky sú zastarané, Alfred Adler bol súčasníkom Sigmunda Freuda, mnohé úspešne aplikujete aj dnes. Upozorním len na dve veci: koncepty vznikali v dobe, keď bolo bežné mať 3, 4, 5 aj viac detí, dnes sú obvyklé 1 až 2. Adler tiež tvrdil, že ak si dieťa osvojí kognitívne schémy, šablóny, teda „životný štýl“ a „nálepky“ (napríklad malý tyran, rozmaznané dieťa), tak ich má nezmenené až do smrti, čo už dnešná veda považuje za nepravdu. Dozviete sa však pravdivo o boji o moc, autorite, pravidlách, dôslednosti, vzájomnej úcte, zodpovednosti, súrodeneckých konšteláciách a pod. Posledných 20 strán knihy je venovaných konkrétnym príkladom a aplikácii popísaných „nových princípov vo výchove“.
Dozviete sa, že trestať dieťa za rozbitie vázy domácim väzením je nonsens, lebo trest nijako nesúvisí s priestupkom. Môžeme sa zaoberať problémom potom, ako sa stane. Majme väčšiu dôveru v deti a berme určité veci zľahka, najmä dovtedy, kým nastanú. Mnoho rodičov už „vidí“ čo sa môže stať (kontrafaktuálne myslenie) a snažia sa zbytočne pôsobiť preventívne, „kosiť“ už náznaky problémov pred deťmi a ochranársky „krúžiť okolo nich ako vrtuľníky“. Deti jednoducho neuchránime pred životom. Majú mať dostatok voľnosti, aby sa mohli učiť samostatnosti. Úlohou rodičov je skôr viesť, korigovať, usmerňovať, ponúkať príležitosti adekvátne k veku a schopnostiam dieťaťa a dostatok plnej pozornosti. Z Adlerových konceptov, napríklad pocitu spolupatričnosti (Gemeinschaftsgefuhl) a empatie, čerpali aj také mená, ako Freud, Bowlby, Maslow, Berne, Sullivan, Kohut a Yalom.
Dozviete sa, že trestať dieťa za rozbitie vázy domácim väzením je nonsens, lebo trest nijako nesúvisí s priestupkom. Môžeme sa zaoberať problémom potom, ako sa stane. Majme väčšiu dôveru v deti a berme určité veci zľahka, najmä dovtedy, kým nastanú. Mnoho rodičov už „vidí“ čo sa môže stať (kontrafaktuálne myslenie) a snažia sa zbytočne pôsobiť preventívne, „kosiť“ už náznaky problémov pred deťmi a ochranársky „krúžiť okolo nich ako vrtuľníky“. Deti jednoducho neuchránime pred životom. Majú mať dostatok voľnosti, aby sa mohli učiť samostatnosti. Úlohou rodičov je skôr viesť, korigovať, usmerňovať, ponúkať príležitosti adekvátne k veku a schopnostiam dieťaťa a dostatok plnej pozornosti. Z Adlerových konceptov, napríklad pocitu spolupatričnosti (Gemeinschaftsgefuhl) a empatie, čerpali aj také mená, ako Freud, Bowlby, Maslow, Berne, Sullivan, Kohut a Yalom.
August 19, 2013
While some of the clearly dated scenarios in this book cracked me up, such as the idea that Daddy might scold Mother if he comes home from work to an untidy house and unruly children, it is, overall, progressive in its ideas about creating a loving, respectful family environment. The author's primary premises include the idea that children must learn respect for self, respect for others, and respect for situation. The role of parents is to guide while avoiding power struggles, to provide logical and natural consequences, to foster independence, and to encourage the child. Punishment is out, and parents also have to strongly consider when to avoid intervention and how to not talk too much. As a mom, I've laughed at some of the suggestions, such as the idea that Mother can not be expected to cook dinner in a dirty kitchen, so if Son doesn't take out the trash, everyone might go hungry. It sure beats a power struggle over taking out the trash or doing it myself. Another favorite was that kids have the right to express their displeasure with situations by whining or throwing tantrums, but Mother has the right to lock herself in the bathroom with a good book until the episode is over. They're funny, but there's a point: don't become a slave to your kids and don't get trapped in situations you can't win or doom yourself to repeating empty threats ad nauseum. Despite the weird tone and dated examples, this is by far the best parenting book I've read.
March 10, 2009
This was a book that I turned to as a reference to help when things were rocky with the children. I'd go to bed, pray about the day and then look up a topic in this book and ponder it. Talk it over with Hubs sleep on it, wake up refreshed and be ready with new hope and resolve to do better the next day.
This is where I learned about the importance of Family Council.
Tom Graff a family psychologist gave a talk at a fireside and recommended it to those in attendance. He said it was important for each child to develop one talent. This will help him feel good about himself so he can stand tall against peer pressure. Self-esteem comes from what we are doing.
This is where I learned about the importance of Family Council.
Tom Graff a family psychologist gave a talk at a fireside and recommended it to those in attendance. He said it was important for each child to develop one talent. This will help him feel good about himself so he can stand tall against peer pressure. Self-esteem comes from what we are doing.
October 13, 2024
Other reviewers have explained this one in detail. Recommended to me by our montessori parent educator.
January 30, 2018
In my adventures as a parent this was an invaluable tool.
March 13, 2019
"Laimingi vaikai" pavadinimas leidžia numanyti, jog kalba kryps apie pozityvius "reikalus" ir laime krykštaujančius vaikus. Deja buvau gan nesmagiai nustebinta, nes pozityvumo knygoje mažoka.
Tiesa pradžia buvo iš ties daug žadanti! Vos ne pirmame puslapyje tėvai raginami į vaikus žiūrėti su pagarba, bei auklėti remiantis demokratiškais principais. Tai man priimtina ir kitokio auklėjimo būdo negalėčiau įsivaizduoti. Tad maniau, jog su autoriais daug kur sutarsime. Iš dalies taip ir buvo. Mūsų nuomonės sutapo gan dažnai. Knyga stipri, turiu mintyje, jog parašyta žmonių išmanančių savo darbą. Išanalizuota begalė pavyzdžių ir pateikti išsamūs atsakymai kaip tėvams reikia vienu ar kitu atveju elgtis. Tas iš ties kuria vertingos knygos įvaizdį.
Bet kai kurios išsakytos mintys ir pasiūlymai man tiesiog buvo nepriimtini. Čia apie juos neišsiplėsiu (kam įdomu gali rasti mano puslapyje www.knygugurmane.com).
Galėčiau išvardinti ir daugiau man nepratikusių niuansų, bet pagrindinis dalykas, tai knygos skleidžiama žinia, kad vaikai yra blogis . Man tiesiog nesuvokiama. Ir tai jog nuolat kartojama, kad į vaikus geriausia nereaguoti (bet kokiomis situacijomis: ar vaikas verkia, ar išsigąsta, ar jam skauda, ar susimuša su kuo nors) ir leisti jiems patiems su viskuo susidoroti. Tai palaukit, o tai tėvai iš vis kam reikalingi? Kad pagimdytų ir palaikytų tvarką?? Sutinku, kad kartais tikrai geriausia išeitis nereaguoti, bet manau vaikams svarbiausia jausti meilę, rūpestį ir žinoti, kad bet kada gali atsiremti į tėvus. Ir tas nuolatinis kartojimas, jog tėvai tarnauja :( Nelabai supratau, kodėl tai blogai? Iš principo mes juk ir tarnaujame vaikams (iki tam tikro lygio žinoma), bet knygoje tai pateikiama tarsi kažkoks blogis.
Apibendrinant pasakysiu tik, jog tai turbūt viena išsamiausių knygų apie vaikų psichologiją, kokią esu skaičiusi. O skaičiau keletą tikrai :) Bet man nepatiko. Taip, sutinku su visais kurie sako, kad knygoje begale gerų patarimų (jų tikrai yra) kaip tramdyti vaikus. Bet joje jie vaizduojami tokie "monstrai", kad vos ne kiekvienas veiksmas gali būti traktuojamas kaip "tirono bandymas užgrobti valdžią".
Jei jūs puikiai tvarkotės su savo atžala ir neturite per didelių problemų, tai geriau šios knygos neskaityti, nes gali apimti paranoja. Ir knygos pavadinimas "Laimingi vaikai" visiškai neatitinka turinio. Laime šioje knygoje net nekvepia.
Tiesa pradžia buvo iš ties daug žadanti! Vos ne pirmame puslapyje tėvai raginami į vaikus žiūrėti su pagarba, bei auklėti remiantis demokratiškais principais. Tai man priimtina ir kitokio auklėjimo būdo negalėčiau įsivaizduoti. Tad maniau, jog su autoriais daug kur sutarsime. Iš dalies taip ir buvo. Mūsų nuomonės sutapo gan dažnai. Knyga stipri, turiu mintyje, jog parašyta žmonių išmanančių savo darbą. Išanalizuota begalė pavyzdžių ir pateikti išsamūs atsakymai kaip tėvams reikia vienu ar kitu atveju elgtis. Tas iš ties kuria vertingos knygos įvaizdį.
Bet kai kurios išsakytos mintys ir pasiūlymai man tiesiog buvo nepriimtini. Čia apie juos neišsiplėsiu (kam įdomu gali rasti mano puslapyje www.knygugurmane.com).
Galėčiau išvardinti ir daugiau man nepratikusių niuansų, bet pagrindinis dalykas, tai knygos skleidžiama žinia, kad vaikai yra blogis . Man tiesiog nesuvokiama. Ir tai jog nuolat kartojama, kad į vaikus geriausia nereaguoti (bet kokiomis situacijomis: ar vaikas verkia, ar išsigąsta, ar jam skauda, ar susimuša su kuo nors) ir leisti jiems patiems su viskuo susidoroti. Tai palaukit, o tai tėvai iš vis kam reikalingi? Kad pagimdytų ir palaikytų tvarką?? Sutinku, kad kartais tikrai geriausia išeitis nereaguoti, bet manau vaikams svarbiausia jausti meilę, rūpestį ir žinoti, kad bet kada gali atsiremti į tėvus. Ir tas nuolatinis kartojimas, jog tėvai tarnauja :( Nelabai supratau, kodėl tai blogai? Iš principo mes juk ir tarnaujame vaikams (iki tam tikro lygio žinoma), bet knygoje tai pateikiama tarsi kažkoks blogis.
Apibendrinant pasakysiu tik, jog tai turbūt viena išsamiausių knygų apie vaikų psichologiją, kokią esu skaičiusi. O skaičiau keletą tikrai :) Bet man nepatiko. Taip, sutinku su visais kurie sako, kad knygoje begale gerų patarimų (jų tikrai yra) kaip tramdyti vaikus. Bet joje jie vaizduojami tokie "monstrai", kad vos ne kiekvienas veiksmas gali būti traktuojamas kaip "tirono bandymas užgrobti valdžią".
Jei jūs puikiai tvarkotės su savo atžala ir neturite per didelių problemų, tai geriau šios knygos neskaityti, nes gali apimti paranoja. Ir knygos pavadinimas "Laimingi vaikai" visiškai neatitinka turinio. Laime šioje knygoje net nekvepia.
February 20, 2021
Knyga parašyta senokai - jeigu teisingai supratau, tai daugiau kaip prieš 50 metų. Autorius siūlo auginti vaikus remiantis demokratiniais principais, ugdančiais vaikų savarankiškumą, atsakomybę, sąmoningumą. Tačiau panašu, kad per tiek laiko šių sąvokų reikšmė pasikeitė.
Knygos privalumas - joje pateikta daugybė realių "nepatogių" ar "konfliktiškų" situacijų iš mažų vaikų auginimo kasdienybės, o šalia jų - autoriaus komentarai bei siūlomi išmintingi tėvų elgesio modeliai. Situacijos gyvos, tikroviškos ir labai pažįstamos. Kalbama apie vaikų padrąsinimą, seserų ir brolių konfliktus.
TAČIAU!
* Daugelyje pavyzdžių su neteisingu tėvų elgesiu vaikai buvo baudžiami fizinėm bausmėm. Aišku, tai "blogieji" pavyzdžiai, bet vis tiek man buvo labai per daug istorijų, kai tėtis vaiką prilupo...
* Teoriškai knygos autorius kalba apie pagarbą vaikams, tėvų sąmoningumą, demokratiškus vaikų auginimo principus, tačiau autoriaus rekomendacijose ir patarimuose konkrečioms situacijoms šių principų nerandu. Galbūt prieš 50 metų rekomenduojamas tėvų elgesys buvo pažangus (vietoj to, kad vaiką primuštumėm, jį uždarom kambary išsiverkti ar pan.), bet šiais laikais demokratiniai principai turėtų skambėti jau kitaip.
* Šiuo metu mes jau turime daug išmintingesnių patarimų, kaip elgtis su vaikais - besiremiančių naujais smegenų tyrimais, leidžiančių ne tik "suvaldyti" vaiką, bet ir užmegzti su juo ryšį, ribas brėžiant su meile ir pozityvumu.
* Šios knygos nerekomenduočiau.
Kaip ten bebūtų, knygoje yra gražių minčių, pavyzdžiui:
"Savo MEILĘ tėvai geriausiai parodo nuolat PADRĄSINDAMI ir skatindami SAVARANKIŠKUMĄ. Šitai reikia pradėti nuo gimimo ir daryti per visą vaikystės laikotarpį. TIKĖDAMI ir PASITIKĖDAMI vaiku kiekvienu momentu mes atliekame tarsi savo misiją. Toks požiūris padeda mums spręsti visas kasdienes problemas ir įveikti sudėtingas situacijas , atsirandančias vaikystėje. Vaikui reikia drąsos. Padėkime jam šį jausmą išsiugdyti ir išsaugoti."
Knygos privalumas - joje pateikta daugybė realių "nepatogių" ar "konfliktiškų" situacijų iš mažų vaikų auginimo kasdienybės, o šalia jų - autoriaus komentarai bei siūlomi išmintingi tėvų elgesio modeliai. Situacijos gyvos, tikroviškos ir labai pažįstamos. Kalbama apie vaikų padrąsinimą, seserų ir brolių konfliktus.
TAČIAU!
* Daugelyje pavyzdžių su neteisingu tėvų elgesiu vaikai buvo baudžiami fizinėm bausmėm. Aišku, tai "blogieji" pavyzdžiai, bet vis tiek man buvo labai per daug istorijų, kai tėtis vaiką prilupo...
* Teoriškai knygos autorius kalba apie pagarbą vaikams, tėvų sąmoningumą, demokratiškus vaikų auginimo principus, tačiau autoriaus rekomendacijose ir patarimuose konkrečioms situacijoms šių principų nerandu. Galbūt prieš 50 metų rekomenduojamas tėvų elgesys buvo pažangus (vietoj to, kad vaiką primuštumėm, jį uždarom kambary išsiverkti ar pan.), bet šiais laikais demokratiniai principai turėtų skambėti jau kitaip.
* Šiuo metu mes jau turime daug išmintingesnių patarimų, kaip elgtis su vaikais - besiremiančių naujais smegenų tyrimais, leidžiančių ne tik "suvaldyti" vaiką, bet ir užmegzti su juo ryšį, ribas brėžiant su meile ir pozityvumu.
* Šios knygos nerekomenduočiau.
Kaip ten bebūtų, knygoje yra gražių minčių, pavyzdžiui:
"Savo MEILĘ tėvai geriausiai parodo nuolat PADRĄSINDAMI ir skatindami SAVARANKIŠKUMĄ. Šitai reikia pradėti nuo gimimo ir daryti per visą vaikystės laikotarpį. TIKĖDAMI ir PASITIKĖDAMI vaiku kiekvienu momentu mes atliekame tarsi savo misiją. Toks požiūris padeda mums spręsti visas kasdienes problemas ir įveikti sudėtingas situacijas , atsirandančias vaikystėje. Vaikui reikia drąsos. Padėkime jam šį jausmą išsiugdyti ir išsaugoti."
December 31, 2021
The approach to parenting outlined in this book is excellent. Treat children as equals, listen to them, invite their opinions on problems without judgement, and encourage the child above all else. Encourage - do not praise or criticize.
But the book is so utterly outdated and (even for the 60s when it was first published) absurd in its sexism (Mother’s purpose in life is homemaking? Are you kidding?) that I wanted to throw it at the wall sometimes. There is a footnote that reads “In order not to confuse women with all the parenting books out there, we recommend these.” So only women read parenting books (Dad is off the hook everyone!) and we are confused when we need to assess research on our own? I am pretty sure that I would find the author of this book infuriating to speak to.
There is also an overreach in some of the techniques. I agree that we should approach parenting with ease and not create unneeded stress, but the use of a child’s medical issue as an example of “letting him figure it out for himself” is insane. Same with helping a child manage his own relationships - “If Daddy hit Billy, Mom should stay out of it and help Billy not do things that make Daddy hit him”. WHAT?
Fundamentally, this book describes a deep and abiding truth - punishment does not work and actually reinforces harmful behavior (you hear that, US justice system???). Natural consequences do work, and listening with kindness and constant encouragement is a powerful parenting technique. It reorients discipline from a tool for controlling or punishing children to a tool for educating them, and that alone can revolutionize your relationship with a child. I encourage people to read the book and adopt its very real truths, but also read other books based on this philosophy (Two of my favorites are Positive Discipline and How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk) written by less sexist assholes.
But the book is so utterly outdated and (even for the 60s when it was first published) absurd in its sexism (Mother’s purpose in life is homemaking? Are you kidding?) that I wanted to throw it at the wall sometimes. There is a footnote that reads “In order not to confuse women with all the parenting books out there, we recommend these.” So only women read parenting books (Dad is off the hook everyone!) and we are confused when we need to assess research on our own? I am pretty sure that I would find the author of this book infuriating to speak to.
There is also an overreach in some of the techniques. I agree that we should approach parenting with ease and not create unneeded stress, but the use of a child’s medical issue as an example of “letting him figure it out for himself” is insane. Same with helping a child manage his own relationships - “If Daddy hit Billy, Mom should stay out of it and help Billy not do things that make Daddy hit him”. WHAT?
Fundamentally, this book describes a deep and abiding truth - punishment does not work and actually reinforces harmful behavior (you hear that, US justice system???). Natural consequences do work, and listening with kindness and constant encouragement is a powerful parenting technique. It reorients discipline from a tool for controlling or punishing children to a tool for educating them, and that alone can revolutionize your relationship with a child. I encourage people to read the book and adopt its very real truths, but also read other books based on this philosophy (Two of my favorites are Positive Discipline and How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk) written by less sexist assholes.
December 18, 2021
2,5 až tri hviezdy? Úprimne sama poriadne neviem.
Kniha je jasné štruktúrovaná na základe mnohých princípov individuálnej psychológie, ktorá nie je práve moja obľúbená. To však neznamená, že by som sa nedokázala stotožniť z ničím, čo som v knihe prečítala. Kniha je ,,tradičná príručka” pre rodičov, ako pristupovať k výchove. Ak by som sa pripravovala na dieťa alebo všeobecne prácu s deťmi, možno by som ju vnímala inak. Úprimne (aj na moje vlastné prekvapenie) súhlasím s mnohými konceptami, z ktorých pravdepodobne vychádza zážitkové učenie, či učenie na základe logických dôsledkov a poukazuje aj na škodlivosť trestu ako výchovného prostriedku. Súhlasím aj so stanovením si hraníc, povzbudzovaním alebo ideu rodinnej rady. Všeobecne mi kniha ukázala tento smer psychológie v novom svetle. ALE.....
Čo mi však na tejto knihe tak veľmi vadilo? To, čo je zároveň jej hlavnou výhodou a to sú príklady. Celá kniha a všetky princípy sú vysvetlené na príkladoch rôznych situácií a vekových skupín. Čo je všeobecne super, je to zaujímavejšie a ľahšie pochopiteľnejšie. Nevadí mi ani to, že niektoré veci pôsobili zastaralo- je to staršia kniha a to, čo chce naučiť je ľahko prenosné. Neskutočne mi vadili extrémy, do ktorých boli tie príklady hnané. Dusenie detí, ako bežný a prirodzený trest v domácnosti. 6 ročné dievčatko je problémové tak to ukážeme tak, že zadusí mačku. Iný chlapec si vystrelí na konci príbehu oko. Toto sú seriózne asi tie najväčšie WTF momenty tejto knihy, vo všeobecnosti som mala pocit pritiahnutia za vlasy asi tak zo 50% príbehov a to jedného pomerne ľahko odradí od čítania. Rozumiem, čo bolo zámerom, na čo chceli poukázať, ale...
Kniha je jasné štruktúrovaná na základe mnohých princípov individuálnej psychológie, ktorá nie je práve moja obľúbená. To však neznamená, že by som sa nedokázala stotožniť z ničím, čo som v knihe prečítala. Kniha je ,,tradičná príručka” pre rodičov, ako pristupovať k výchove. Ak by som sa pripravovala na dieťa alebo všeobecne prácu s deťmi, možno by som ju vnímala inak. Úprimne (aj na moje vlastné prekvapenie) súhlasím s mnohými konceptami, z ktorých pravdepodobne vychádza zážitkové učenie, či učenie na základe logických dôsledkov a poukazuje aj na škodlivosť trestu ako výchovného prostriedku. Súhlasím aj so stanovením si hraníc, povzbudzovaním alebo ideu rodinnej rady. Všeobecne mi kniha ukázala tento smer psychológie v novom svetle. ALE.....
Čo mi však na tejto knihe tak veľmi vadilo? To, čo je zároveň jej hlavnou výhodou a to sú príklady. Celá kniha a všetky princípy sú vysvetlené na príkladoch rôznych situácií a vekových skupín. Čo je všeobecne super, je to zaujímavejšie a ľahšie pochopiteľnejšie. Nevadí mi ani to, že niektoré veci pôsobili zastaralo- je to staršia kniha a to, čo chce naučiť je ľahko prenosné. Neskutočne mi vadili extrémy, do ktorých boli tie príklady hnané. Dusenie detí, ako bežný a prirodzený trest v domácnosti. 6 ročné dievčatko je problémové tak to ukážeme tak, že zadusí mačku. Iný chlapec si vystrelí na konci príbehu oko. Toto sú seriózne asi tie najväčšie WTF momenty tejto knihy, vo všeobecnosti som mala pocit pritiahnutia za vlasy asi tak zo 50% príbehov a to jedného pomerne ľahko odradí od čítania. Rozumiem, čo bolo zámerom, na čo chceli poukázať, ale...
June 28, 2023
Approach with caution. I was really looking forward to reading this as it seems to be the primary source for the positive parenting movement. Instead I suspect that all the helpful pieces like natural/logical consequences, the family constellation, and The Family Council were all taken from Alfred Adler or his contemporaries. Dreikurs' main contribution seems to be the democratic thesis, which he actively contradicts throughout the book - arguing that each family member has equal authority and "there's no one right way" while later appealing to the ultimate Truth of order and respect (under whose authority?). He says, "you can't draw a line in the sand" while offering practical tips to set firm boundaries (i.e. draw his own line in a different subjective spot).
While some of these practical tips may in fact be useful today, most only make sense in Dreikurs' 1960's context as a response to the extreme authoritarian family dynamic. And others are simply rife for abuse - like having a full-force slap fight with your kids to show your strength "through a game" - which could cause more damage if not carried out perfectly than some of the authoritarian practices popular at the time.
There are some helpful suggestions and practices in this book, just be prepared to think very critically and check each statement against a web of outcomes to properly vet them for your family. Good luck!
While some of these practical tips may in fact be useful today, most only make sense in Dreikurs' 1960's context as a response to the extreme authoritarian family dynamic. And others are simply rife for abuse - like having a full-force slap fight with your kids to show your strength "through a game" - which could cause more damage if not carried out perfectly than some of the authoritarian practices popular at the time.
There are some helpful suggestions and practices in this book, just be prepared to think very critically and check each statement against a web of outcomes to properly vet them for your family. Good luck!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 18, 2020
A parenting life raft! I’d give this book 10 stars and will certainly reread it. In addition, I’ve bought about five extra copies this month for friends. Published in ‘64, the examples provide insight while also giving a little chuckle at the difference in the times.
Dreikurs encourages the parent to focus on winning cooperation instead of initiating a battle of wills. We’ve seen the magic in our home as recently as last night. When facing a huge mess of costumes, hockey sticks, balls, snack dishes scattered over the yard my usual is “Clean up this mess!” Followed by exasperation at trying to get them to obey. Instead I said, “Hmmm...what can we do about this yard?”
“Clean it up,” my eldest cheered and led the charge.
My biggest takeaway is noticing how my children’s behavior is their way of getting me to reinforce their self-concept of their place in the family.
Some of the other rules:
Use logical consequences.
Have fun together.
Don’t shoo flies.
Family council.
Take time with training.
Dreikurs encourages the parent to focus on winning cooperation instead of initiating a battle of wills. We’ve seen the magic in our home as recently as last night. When facing a huge mess of costumes, hockey sticks, balls, snack dishes scattered over the yard my usual is “Clean up this mess!” Followed by exasperation at trying to get them to obey. Instead I said, “Hmmm...what can we do about this yard?”
“Clean it up,” my eldest cheered and led the charge.
My biggest takeaway is noticing how my children’s behavior is their way of getting me to reinforce their self-concept of their place in the family.
Some of the other rules:
Use logical consequences.
Have fun together.
Don’t shoo flies.
Family council.
Take time with training.
August 28, 2021
I haven't read a ton of parenting books yet, but so far this one is my favorite. It's interesting that a book written so many years ago can still be very relevant and helpful. There are some parts of the book that are dated. Some of the ways that the author phrases things is not necessarily politically correct anymore. Also, in this day and age we can't do certain things like allow our young children to go by themselves to the store down the street, which would have been perfectly acceptable back in the day when it was written. Unfortunately, our society has just changed in that regard. Regardless of that, the overall advice in this book is extremely helpful to me as a parent. The part about natural consequences just seems so logical. I suggest that all parents read this book.
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April 1, 2019Knygoje naudingi patarimai, realūs ir praktiniai pavyzdžiai kaip elgtis, kokias klaidas darome, mes, tėvai. Įdomi knyga, bet tikrai ne su visais pavyzdžiais ir patarimais galiu sutikti, yra patarimų, kurie dar daugiau gali padaryti "bėdos". Nors yra ir naudingų patarimų, bet labiausiai patiko skyrių pavadinimai, kurie ir yra nauji auklėjimo principai:
Padrąsinkite vaiką,
Venkite bausmės ir atpildo,
Gerbkite vaiką... Ir t.t.
Padrąsinkite vaiką,
Venkite bausmės ir atpildo,
Gerbkite vaiką... Ir t.t.
May 31, 2019
Aš įsivaizduoju, kad prieš 55 metus tokie demokratiniai auklėjimo principai turėjo atrodyti mažų mažiausiai iššaukiančiai – vaikas yra lygus suaugusiems, vaiką reikia gerbti, jo klausytis ir pan. Nors, dar ir šiais laikais netrūksta žmonių, kurie vaiką laiko “žemesniu“ ir vadovaujasi autoritariniu ir bausmėmis paremtu auklėjimu.
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