How to Deal with Your ____ So Your Kids Don't Have to: An Encyclopedia for Ditching Your Emotional Baggage

by Eli Harwood MA LPC

A practical roadmap for anyone determined to parent differently than they were raised.

Because our kids can feel what we don't heal.

The one book you wish your parents had, and your children will be glad you read.

Healing from your own upbringing is hard enough—but how do you do that work while being the parent you wish you had?

In this potent resource for parents and parents-to-be, licensed therapist and educator Eli Harwood targets the feelings, mindsets, and habits that often sabotage our parenting. Organized alphabetically by growth areas—many of which are symptoms of an insecure or traumatic past—this book provides punchy guidance to heal from things

dealing with anger and anxietyour relationship with body imageour tendency for people-pleasing and comparing ourselves (and our kids)
...so our kids don't have to.

This book will help you heal yourself in order to become the best parent you can be.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology, Childrens, Mental Health

Audible Audio

Published April 14, 2026

Reviews

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

While my worldview is very different from the author’s, I found the majority of her writing to be incredibly profound and helpful. I initially listened to it as an audiobook, but purchased the hard copy to highlight sections I bookmarked with time stamps so I can read and reread them for years to come.

I’m so thankful God led me to discover this book right when I needed to read it most. I’m grateful to understand myself and how to parent and steward the gifts of my precious children a bit better in ways I was never taught.

“If we can allow ourselves to feel our anger without reacting to it, we can create the necessary pause that lets us make decisions instead of having reactions.”

“Think of yourself as your child’s primary emotion mentor. Your kid learns how to eat, watching you use a fork. They also learn how to feel, watching you deal with your feelings. And so if you want to help your kids, the most important thing you do, is you learn how to show them an array of healthy ways they can cope with what they feel.”

[Kelsey Walsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

None of what this author has is revolutionary especially in today’s world of parenting books YET it is so vastly important to hear for every parent. There are reminders and tools to help what parents universally struggle with and there are spots focused on particular struggles. I really like the format and will be recommending it! Appreciate she pulls from many different sources and then cites them at the end of the chapter.

[MVG · Rating 5 out of 5]

So many important quotes. My favorite is: "Full, undivided attention is regulation pixie dust for me and my kids". Eli has organized this book to be so helpful! Feeling rejected? There’s a chapter for that. Feeling angry? There’s a chapter for that. 100 percent recommend this book for folks who are parenting differently than they were raised.

[Sylvia Martínez Pro · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great parenting book to help build secure relationships with our children while healing ourselves.

[Sarah Rose · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book and to be able to recommend it to my patients, but it is just so perfunctory and basic. There are no new ideas here. I couldn't even finish it.

[Rachel · Rating 3.5 out of 5]

First book with the new Goodreads rating system! Woo-hoo!

This book was fine. It was basically a reference guide to dealing with certain mentalities that could be detrimental to our kids. I appreciated the explanations and the recommended readings. I wish it had gone a little deeper; it was pretty basic and only skimmed the surface on most topics, but it’s a decent start for someone looking to improve their parenting and not pass their issues on to their kids.

I started out reading a hard copy but got bored, so I listened to the audio, and that was better. I’m glad I have a hard copy, though, so I can go back and reference some things, particularly the other books the author recommended.

[Abby Rose Green · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to this one and felt motivated to take care of my own issues in most chapters. Some parts were more eye opening than others, which I assume most readers will feel based on their experiences and own trauma. The writing is easy to understand, feels doable to implement, and I like that it’s all about ownership. We don’t have complete control over our children and it can feel challenging to get to a solution when you only have agency on one side. But if the work comes from within and our own progress is brought to the situation at hand, instantly it feels more manageable.

Great research, ideas, solutions and exercises! It was a nice combo of a parenting book and self help book written by a therapist all in one.

[Lauren Steiner · Rating 5 out of 5]

“My life is not a show. My parenting is not a performance. The only judgements that matter are the ones that bring me closer to my kids and make me more confident in my mission to be a good enough parent.”

“I deserve care and rest. Even when the to-do list never gets done.”

“No amount of control or structure is worth losing the opportunity to be authentically close with my child.”

[Malia White · Rating 4 out of 5]

A truly excellent parenting book. I skimmed some chapters that did not apply to me as a person or in this season of parenting, and re-read and highlighted others. I am grateful I purchased this book so it can remain a resource on my book shelf for years to come!

[Lauren Windham · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was pretty good-I love that it’s like an encyclopedia so that you can refer back easily when struggling with different issues. Very practical. The author’s writing was a little cheesy for my taste. Overall I’m glad I read it and will refer back!

[Tsoler · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good. Highlighted plenty of sections to reference again. Made me reflect on my own childhood. Wish there were more examples embedded throughout, eg talk scripts between parent n child in different scenarios. non parents could absolutely gain from this too

[Carolyn Bascon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to this and loved the author's reading. I'm definitely going to buy a physical copy. It's a compassionate guide to looking at your own stuff and how it affects your parenting, with practical suggestions to try. I hope lots of kids and parents benefit from this book!

[Alisha · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like that this was written as a reference novel to use when you have these concerns instead of expecting the reader to sit down and read all the way through. That being said, I just listened to the audiobook all the way through. The author does make a note at the beginning that if you're the kind of parent that sought this book out, you're probably the type of parent who wants to be mindful about how you raise your child and you're probably not going to completely fuck things up. I would take this a step further to say that if you realize that you have some of the concerns listed in the book and you're already working with a professional on those issues, this book is going to be less helpful. But if you have an inkling that you might have some issues and want to know where to start, then I think this book is a good place!

Here are my takeaways:
The Five core experiences children require for secure attachment:
1. The gift of feeling we can handle their emotions
2. The gift of feeling we understand their perspectives
3. The gift of feeling we want them close to us.
4. The gift of feeling we show up for them in important moments
5. The gift of feeling we accept them for their authentic selves.

It is not my job to prevent my children from feeling emotional discomfort or pain. It is my job to prevent them from feeling alone in their pain

If we teach children who are fired up about injustice to suppress their anger it can put out their light or teach them to hide their feelings which interferes with gift number five.

Don't over apologize (obviously apologize when you've done wrong though). It dilutes the effectiveness of the apology. Over apologizing is a trauma response and communicates to our children that we feel insecure about our place in the world.

You don't need to be engaged 24/7 but mindfully set time to be engaged.

Ask yourself: if I don't hold this expectation/limit/boundary is there a life skill my child will miss out on learning now and lose confidence in later?

[Ines · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received an advance review copy of this book from the publisher. All opinions are my own.

This book does exactly what it says on the tin: helps us parents deal with our emotional baggage so our kids don't inherit it.

What really worked for me with this book was the format. It's structured like an encyclopedia, nothing revolutionary, but it makes revisiting incredibly easy when needed. We obviously can't fix everything at once; we need to tackle each struggle slowly and steadily, and this format makes it very easy to dip in and out.
A perfect example for me is the chapter on "feeling at odds." My son is currently 3, so I'm clearly not feeling at odds with his choices just yet, but I probably will when he starts becoming more independent. I'll definitely be coming back to that chapter when the time comes, and this format makes that effortless.

But the real strength of this book is how Harwood handles the identification of each issue we might need to work on. Some struggles are easy to name like anger and defensiveness, but others are harder to self-diagnose. At the start of each chapter, she gives a rundown of what each struggle might look like, which makes the whole book feel accessible rather than prescriptive.


>> This is a wonderful entry point for parents drawn to secure attachment parenting who are willing to do the inner work to understand how their own unresolved feelings shape their children's emotional world. Harwood also provides a reading list at the end of each section for those who want to dive deeper, a thoughtful touch. If you're ready to do that work for your kids' sake, this is a great place to start.

[RLV · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book interesting, but ultimately pretty average 😬

A lot of the issues covered didn’t really apply to me, so I ended up skimming through those sections. The ones that were actually pertinent to me, however, felt a little lacking. I was hoping for more concrete, practical advice.

There were also a ton of personal stories throughout pretty much every chapter 😬 I guess it was done to make her points clearer but I found it tiring after a couple of chapters. It felt like they took up space that could have been used for more substantive information or practical strategies.

Overall, I think this book works reasonably well as a quick overview of some of the common issues parents may struggle with, but I personally would have gotten more out of choosing the specific topics that resonated with me and reading entire books dedicated to those subjects instead. I did end up adding quite a few books to my TRL from the author’s suggestions, so there’s that.

[Abby · Rating 4 out of 5]

Going to take another's review, because it's how I felt! "None of what this author has is revolutionary especially in today’s world of parenting books YET it is so vastly important to hear for every parent. There are reminders and tools to help what parents universally struggle with and there are spots focused on particular struggles. I really like the format and will be recommending it! Appreciate she pulls from many different sources and then cites them at the end of the chapter."

From me: Note the title says "An encyclopedia" in it - it really is a culmination of books and ah-ha moments she's had and it's a great reminder and tool for anyone wanting to improve themselves!

[Kelly Branson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It was a great combination of so many self-help and parenting books I’ve read over the years. I only wish there was more of a Christian lens used to each section. Every section that she presented listed additional books for additional places to do work and I’ve read at least one or more of the books from every section. Was really reassuring to know that I’ve put in a lot of work. This would be a great starting place for somebody (to see an overall approach to all areas we need work) or a great place to land as a refresher of past work.

[Camden Morgante · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eli’s strength is translating psychological concepts into easy to understand lessons. This book has short chapters organized by topic (for example, people pleasing) with sections on how the topic hurts your attachment to your kids and ways to grow from it. The advice given is research-backed and appropriate for the beginner parent who does not have a lot of psychological knowledge or much therapy experience. It feels like a good fit as the first read for a brand-new cycle-breaking parent but I preferred her last book, How to Raise Emotionally Secure Kids which was more in-depth for me.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like most of these therapist books I got what I could out of it and read with an open mind.. This book is a very brief overview of a lot of common issues with further references to read. It had some useful information, but it all felt a little snack-ish to me, a bit fluffy. But maybe a good place to start if you want to highlight issues and then delve deeper. A lot of this can be figured out with a good dose of common sense.

[Felicia Roque · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m familiar with the general concept of the book and I feel like I’m self-aware enough as an individual and as a parent, yet to hear the audiobook made me feel so seen. Cycles I want to break, working hard to make sure I have the kind of good connection with my children that I was yearning more of in my own journey as a daughter… This book was profound and it made me feel like I was in therapy as I further digested these tender topics that usually sit quietly in my mind as a parent.

[Ashlee · Rating 4 out of 5]

-the intro regarding the 5 gifts of the secure parent is so clear and motivating
-The descriptions of the attachment styles are already way more understanding and tangible and concise
-This is one of those books that I’m going to want to buy and annotate
-This book does make me feel I have so much more work to do 🥲
-I do wish we went deeper into the topics that are pertinent to me. I do LOVE the further reading though, my list is flush

[Shannon Slayer · Rating 4.75 out of 5]

Spot on!!!! So many topics in this book hit home. I recognized patterns from my own childhood that followed me into adulthood, and I saw so much of what my youngest child is going through with their other parent. It’s heartbreaking to see how damaging those dynamics can be.

This book was incredibly insightful and full of practical tips that I hope will help me better support my child while continuing to work through my own experiences. I think everyone could benefit from reading it.

[Skaitančios katės · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book mostly covers the basic stuff and you would definitely want to do additional reading on certain issues you might relate to but it’s a lovely tool for a quick reflection. It made me want to revisit the book about every two years as my children grow and our relationship gains more complexities. I did also mark a few chapters to ponder on later as well as few of the additional reads recommended throughout the book to add to my TBR list.

[Janelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great nuggets that cover a great swath of insecurities and internal issues so there is something for everyone. Some chapters hit hard, others I barely needed to listen to. This book is for everyone.

Down one star because the whole “how to fight internal racism and bias” went immediately into a narrative of anti-whiteness followed by saying how trans kids off themselves. Needlessly decisive.

[Sarah Marshall · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really informative and concise, just the way I like my NF
If you don’t want to read it- it all boils down to be really kind to others and yourself. Emotions are red flags for you so ask some questions and dig deeper to root causes.
Would re visit this or add to my library

[Kristin Hart · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to this as a audible but will def be purchasing. Perfect little book of therapy for when we are experiencing different emotions of anger, body shame, people pleasing etc. so valuable in how to deal/help navigate our children to deal with them but also see how we deal with it.

[Jihye · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eli Harwood is amazing. She is gentle but tells me what I need to hear. I'll be re-reading this over and over again because I have a lot of things to deal with, but it'll be worth it. Highly recommend.

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This should be required reading. It would be great to have on hand to reference when necessary. It really does kind of read like an Encyclopedia and I liked how there were clear and easy instructions and thoughts for how to deal with things.

[Sean · Rating 4 out of 5]

The voice and structure of the this book make it accessible and approachable. While angled as a parenting book, it’s a useful emotional literacy 101 reference tool that plenty of readers could find value with.

[Hannah Tucker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t expect to like this book as much as I did. It was interesting to read as a parent, as a child of parents, and as a friend of other parents. This is definitely one of those books I’m going to need to read again as the girls get older.