The Loneliness Cure: Six Strategies for Finding Real Connections in Your Life

by Kory Floyd

Rediscover the benefits of a real-life social network!

Although today's technology allows you to communicate with people all over the globe, it can also leave you feeling disconnected and unhappy in the real world. The Loneliness Cure helps you rediscover the power of socializing in person and finally find the affection you've been longing for. Written by communication expert Kory Floyd, PhD, this valuable guide details the causes of affection hunger, helps you assess your needs, and offers six compelling strategies for attracting more intimacy into your relationships and everyday life. This guidebook details the causes of affection hunger, helps you assess your needs, and shows you how to build genuine connections to those around you.

Whether you're looking to get the undivided attention of a friend, reconnect physically with a romantic partner, or grow closer to your family, this book provides you with the tools you need to lead a healthier, happier, and more affectionate life.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology

272 pages, Paperback

First published April 3, 2015

About the author

Kory Floyd is a National Communication Association Book Award winner and the author of ten books. He has been featured on the Today Show, CBS Sunday Morning, Huff Post Live, NPR, & BBC Radio. His articles have been published by Glamour, Women’s Health, Redbook, Seattle Times,
In Denver Times, and Cleveland Plain Dealer.

Dr. Floyd is professor of health and family communication at Arizona State University in Tempe and a research associate with the Arizona Cancer Center in Tucson. Floyd received his bachelor’s degree from Western Washington University, his master’s from the University of Washington, and his PhD from the University of Arizona. Kory Floyd is represented by the Linda Konner Literary Agency in NYC.

Reviews

[Am Y · Rating 1 out of 5]

Two-thirds of the book talks about why humans are by default creatures of affection and crave the company of others, as well as the benefits of affection. This was already a huge put-off.

Firstly, I'm sure people who picked up this book in the first place already knew this, and don't need to be told that affection is good for them and that it can help them.

Secondly, the idea that humans must crave the company of others is debatable. I know of a lot of people who do fine on their own, and there have been several documented cases of hermits choosing solitary lifestyles away from society.

Lastly, not only was all this content redundant and a waste of time (and not what the title claims this book is about at all), it was also extremely dry and boring. In addition to loads of (fictitious perhaps?) anecdotal accounts featuring people and their relationships to others around them, readers are fed a fair amount of psychobabble, I suspect in an attempt to make the author's points seem more valid (since anecdotes are just that - anecdotes, and hold little credibility). As a Psychology graduate myself, needless to say I was not impressed.

So the so-called "six strategies" mentioned in the title for combating loneliness, finally appear near the end of the book, and are contained in a mere 70 pages or so! In a book that comprises 250+ pages! And it turns out that these "strategies" are actually more like bits of common sense advice, with some exercises the reader can do. Not all the strategies are helpful even, because some of them apply to people who already have meaningful connections with other people in their lives. What about those people who have none?

Examples:

1) The author says to recognise that some people may convey affection in ways that may not seem apparent to you. For instance, a husband may think that fixing something broken in the house is his way of showing his love for his wife, but the wife may not recognise this as being a form of affection.

2) Some ways to connect are to join hobby groups and such.

I'm quite sure no one needs telling that point #2 above is one way they can make new friends. They might even have tried it and it has not worked for them, so giving a tip like that is akin to giving none at all. And re point #1 above, this piece of information would be irrelevant to, say, someone without any spouse, partner, or even friends, in the first place.

Save your money on this one.

[Bookworm · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not very convinced. I was curious about the book and about making genuine connections. I am not particularly affectionate and tend to keep people at a distance. The title intrigued me and seemed like might be good for me to figure out how make better connections and maybe have better relationships.
 
This book definitely wasn't for me. The author describes at one point about how he would express affection towards women and men in college, and that many of them found it "weird" and end up with tearful conversations from women (!) and a "talk" about how the men didn't feel "that way". The author said he didn't understand why people seemed so put off. (Page 34 in the paperback edition). This seemed very sexist and veered into homophobia. The author also wrote that some of these women stalked him.
 
What is unclear to me (and what the author doesn't write) is HOW he expressed his affection: what was said, how he said it, the context, etc. Without knowing any other details (like what were the words used), the author comes across as a tad creepy and boundary-crossing, especially if there seemed to be enough of both men and women who expressed discomfort with him. After that I found I could not take the book seriously.
 
A lot of what he writes can probably be found in various magazine articles and long-form pieces about making connections and keeping relationships. I wasn't too impressed with the content, and while I am glad the author does later acknowledge issues of sexual harassment, how the need for affection can go very wrong, etc., the book just seemed very shallow.
 
There might be some helpful info for some, but I wouldn't recommend it. Library if you're really interested.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

A professor of communication tackles the loneliness epidemic with stories and science. Floyd explains the problems associated with chronic affection deprivation and suggests practical strategies for getting more of the human contact we naturally crave. Two-thirds of the text goes to preliminaries, but the subtitle’s six strategies are worth waiting for. Like the best self-help books, The Loneliness Cure convinces readers that “it pays to reach out for help when you need it” and gives them the confidence and tactics to do so.

(See my full review at Foreword.)

[Jane · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. This book is not well named. It is more about hugs and affection than loneliness, and the practical "Six Strategies to Overcome Loneliness" section holds a lot of blame. I didn't learn anything and it left me feeling annoyed.

Most depressing Valentine's Day read EVER.

[Kristiina · Rating 5 out of 5]

An essential read on the subject!

[Ryan Mizzen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic must-read book, which I highly recommend for everyone. Learn why touch and affection are so important for our wellbeing, what happens when we don't get enough and also how to get more in our lives. This is a clear, concise and easy to read book which I believe everyone could benefit from.

[Dan Stern · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loneliness is human condition that can have significant impact on the quality of human life and health. I was amazed to learn in this book that in today's modern world we touch our phones more frequently that we touch or hug another human being. It is a sad fact of modern life. Author is a researcher that looks into causes of loneliness, types of people who are most susceptable to be lonely and what kind of health damage can emotion of loneliness bring onto a human being. One in four Americans is lonely and has no other person they can talk to or confide to when it comes to making important decisions. Loneliness leads to a number of health issues: depression, anxiety, promiscuity, eating disorders, gambling addiction and the list goes on and on.

Author mentions three ways a lonely person can work on overcoming their loneliness: reading (romance) books where one can immerse themselves into affections imaginary characters experience; immersing in nature and finally practicing meditation. Although those do not necessarily mean establishing real life affectionate relationships with (other) real people, it is a good coping mechanism in loneliness situation.

For me personally the most exciting chapter was about toxic affection. Sometimes loneliness would cause people to get into relationships that are toxic or unhealthy. Those can lead to financial, health and psychological trauma. Author methodically explains "love bombing" phenomenon. For me this chapter alone is a reason good enough to read the entire book. If anything one learns to recognize warning signals of a potentially troubling situation. Sometimes it is worth walking away from a person, or a relationship, if it is underlined with potential to harm a lonely seeker of happiness with false emotions and false expressions of affection. It is also a chapter that explains that in life all relationships with people we know run their own course and the moment comes when such relationships need to end for everyone's benefit.

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

2/3 was about why humans need affection, which wasn't very useful and also wasn't very well-written or researched. The "six strategies" were either common sense, contradictory, or focused on changing yourself so you don't want as much affection.

[Tina · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has some good information if you want to know WHY you might possibly feel lonely, but the solutions offered are quite limited. The main point the author makes is that loneliness is a lack of affection in one's life. He then offers strategies for getting more affection.

Some of the strategies are helpful, but generally, I don't think this book is going to solve your affection problem, if it is the result of a romantic relationship that feels affection-less. If this is your situation, read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

Good points about the book:
1) Even though the ideas are basic, the author does bring them together in a focus on loneliness, which I've not see done before.
2) If a reader hasn't read a lot of self help books already, this would be a good introduction to the topic of loneliness.
3) There is a good introduction to the concept of "cognitive reframing" that is worth reading (to solve more than just loneliness).

The main reasons I didn't give this book more than 2 stars are the following:
1) The ideas are basic and since I read a lot of self help and psychology books, they weren't new to me.
2) The stories and writing weren't compelling.
3) The author is biased toward men's perspectives and spends a lot of time telling women that they need to appreciate the affection their man gives them, regardless of whether they actually feel the affection or not.

The third point is my biggest gripe with the book. The author encourages the reader to identify "instrumental" behaviors (in Love Language terminology, this is Acts of Service) and use them to feel less lonely. Men are more likely to use Acts of Service as affection and women often don't view Acts of Service as affection (the author admits this), so while identifying these acts can create warm feelings in a relationship, if the woman's Love Language is not Acts of Service, she will NEVER feel completely fulfilled in the relationship if this is the only affection she's getting. She could even feel resentful that she is doing all the work by appreciating his "affection" which she doesn't feel as affection. To make matters worse, if she appreciates her partner's Acts of Service / instrumental behaviors, he'll feel great and do more of them, thinking that he's done his job. It's a spiraling pattern that will not end well and could potentially lead the man to wonder what just happened when his wife blows up one day, becomes distant and finds affection elsewhere, or even leaves him altogether.

What's missing from the book is the discussion of learning about yours and your partner's Love Languages and how to use them to make each other feel the affection that you both desire. (Again, read the book "Love Languages".) Men, you're not off the hook when you give Acts of Service if that's not her Love Language. Men MUST learn how to give touch, gifts, or whatever else their partner needs, even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable. I worry that this book will leave couples in a frustrating pattern that neither of them knows how to change.

In summary, I'd say that if this is one of your first self help books, it could help you, but I'd suggest that it not be the last book you read on the topic. My biggest disappointment with the book was that the author didn't encourage men to do their part in giving affection in romantic relationships.

[T · Rating 4 out of 5]

-Satisfying our need to belong requires interactions that are both frequent and meaningful. Can't have one but not the other.
-Sometimes we don't want the affection we receive because we're afraid of what it means for our relationship.

-Conveying feelings of affection speeds recovery from stress and decrease stress response.
-Social isolation can cause the same result as physical pain.
-Social medicine: In different scenarios (living alone, having no friends, or feeling lonely), the most powerful (negatively) was feeling lonely.

-When you ask something of someone, you are asking them to change.. Which is difficult. Inviting change can implicitly mean that their current behavior is not enough. Encourage and focus on positive (changes).

-Virtual communication begins to lose meaning. A tweet or text can be easily ignored requiring no real engagement of heart or mind.
-Invite instead of demand (affection).
-4 mistakes when attempting to attract attention: demanding instead of inviting, ignoring forms of affection (love language) you are already receiving, sexualizing affection, expecting a specific person to meet affection needs
-Dialectical tension is feeling torn between two opposing but equally necessary desires.

-The end of one treasured relationship can spark renewed love and affection in another.

[J. · Rating 1 out of 5]

The book actually deals more with an inherent "hunger for affection," and doesn't offer any genuine strategies for connecting with others, aside from the standard tips (join a club, volunteer, etc.) that anyone who picks up this book would have already heard.

The author lost me about 1/3 of the way in, when he makes a series of questions and statements about why some residents didn't leave New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina. In the 10 years since Katrina and this author's book, there have been countless, well-researched books and articles about why some residents were unable to leave New Orleans -- and it had nothing to do with not having anyone to show them affection. For the author to write that he doesn't understand why they stayed behind and that we "might not know the why" is either ignorant of readily-available documentation or lazy in the research. If he would go to the lengths of including this in several paragraphs in his book without adequately researching it first, calls into question the thoroughness and validity of anything else that follows.

[SeaShore]

From the author's website:
"When our needs for affection are met, we thrive physically, mentally, and socially, but when our needs are thwarted, our wellness can suffer." Kory Floyd

The author is a professor of interpersonal communication and the author of 16 books, including The Loneliness Cure: Six Strategies for Finding Real Connections in Your Life.

Raised near Seattle, Kory earned an undergraduate degree in English at Western Washington University. He then received his master’s degree in communication from the University of Washington and his PhD in communication from the University of Arizona, where he is now a professor of communication. His work focuses on how people show affection for each other in their close relationships and on the problems we face when we don’t have enough intimacy in our lives.

[Blaze-Pascal · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really thought this book was a waste of time... it was overly wordy with a very straight forward topic. I only read this because my mom gave it to me... and I didn't finish it because it's just no good. I mean... at least for me.... its obvious that affection is both beneficial and craved. However, I guess through the COVID19 pandemic 6 years after this was published, it just seemed like not enough. His six strategies make up the end of the book after 181 pages of just boring. They are pretty straight forward things like "Be open to receiving affection".... ok great strategy. I guess thats why its number 1. This book just wasn't worth my time.

[Emile · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found most of the information in this book to very obvious and not that useful to me. It covers for the most part what loneliness is and why it's bad and I'm sure almost everybody will know this intuitively. There isn't much of any actionable advice sadly. The last third of the book is the most useful but not enough for me to recommend it. I think the book is also biased towards being more for couples not communicating effectively as in "see you are getting tons of attention but you just too slow to be aware of it dummy" kind of thing. Give this one a skip. It isn't like I'm an expert on the subject but I think the book under-delivers based on the title.

[Carlijn Van Der Hart · Rating 3 out of 5]

Niet erg vernieuwend of bijzonder. Raad dan eerder 8 rules of love aan, of Liefdesbang van Hannah Cuppen.


“identifying and understanding the fears that block affection is a critical first step toward combatting them.

In your close relationships, what can you do to invite attentive and affectionate behavior?
How do you already model the affection displays you wish to receive from others? How can you model them more overtly?
In what ways are you comfortable encouraging and reinforcing positive change in your loved ones?

Angstige bindingsstijl”

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was definitely a slower read for me, but that’s because I took the time to work on the questions and scenarios presented in the book. I think it was a good exercise for me to think critically about how I view and handle affection in all aspects of my life.

But I did have some qualms with this book. First, the title was a bit misleading as it’s more about affection in our lives and not so much reducing loneliness. Reducing loneliness is just a byproduct of the science of affection talked about in this book. I also feel like this focused mainly on romantic and familial relationships as opposed to friendships. And friendships are really where I needed the advice.

Overall it was a decent self-help style book about affection and relationships. If you want to learn more about the science of affection, I would recommend this book!

[Joyce · Rating 2 out of 5]

Did not find this book particularly useful or anything groundbreaking. Author seems to equate physical affection with genuine affection and I found the take to be very simplistic. Seemed to draw most of his examples from intimate partnerships and not as strongly on all kinds of connections. His take: different people have different ways to express love and caring. In that vein,I found Chapman's book on Love Languages to be a more useful source of understanding. This book was forgettable.

[Mary · Rating 1 out of 5]

The entire beginning is a rehash of how you feel when you are lonely and how it hurts like physical pain-which anyone who is lonely already knows. Then you get to analyze situations of loneliness.
Then the suggestions to help the loneliness are not helpful. They are things you are already doing that don't work.

[Joseph Zongolowicz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Started off interesting but took too long to get from "affection is important" to the actual strategies. the strategies were alright and the chapter on misguided attempts was a nice touch but underwhelming.

[Louis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very thorough analysis and explanation of our need for connection with others, to avoid loneliness.

May not have gotten exactly what I was looking for but I learned a lot which will help me going forward,

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful and eye opening.

[Sasha · Rating 1 out of 5]

TL;DR Instead of finding the cure to loneliness, the book details why loneliness sucks

[Liv · Rating 1 out of 5]

It didn't help me at all. In fact, it made me even more lonely.

[Elliedakota · Rating 2 out of 5]

Presumes others are already around - more an “appreciate what you already have” kind of book.

[Emily B. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Publish in May of 2015 and only 7 reviews on Amazon, I figured I would give this book a shot. Truthfully I only got through the first chapter of this book and never picked up again. Kory Floyd, a professor, has studied upon human behavior/affection and how it impacts a person. The layout is simple and very accessible catering to all audiences. Unfortunately, it did not hold my interest enough. It's a mix of scientific and personal writing. He provides questions for self-reflection at the end of each chapter but these questions were very subliminal and self-explanatory. His writing, in my opinion, doesn't captivate a reader as much as a should for a self-help book on loneliness. Skimming upon the rest of the book, it is structures similarly as the first chapter with questions along with how to understand loneliness, affection, and how we internalize it.

For someone who is just starting on their journey of self-love and finding platonic/romantic intimacy, this would be the perfect book for you. For the rest of us who has been on this journey for a while, I suggest looking into other books.

[Melody · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you really want to read this, skip straight to page 180. That's where the book really starts. And even then that part of the book isn't very deep or telling you anything you don't already know.

As a whole, I found this book to be tedious, redundant, and full of unnecessary summaries and paragraph long chapter transitions that just repeated what the previous chapter transition said. Very disappointed that a little more than half of this book was about the why and how. Who cares??? Give us the solutions already! I didn't pick this up off the shelf to read six paragraphs about monkeys (I didn't actually read it though, I skimmed because wtf). Also didn't see the need for dedicating a whole section to why depression, drug use, and binge eating is physically and mentally bad for you and exacerbates loneliness. Uh, DUH. Already knew that, like most people do, but thank you anyway Captain Obvious. There's gotta be some better books out there on this subject cause honestly this one sucked.

[Nancy H Vest · Rating 4 out of 5]

First, I will say that I received this book as a door prize in a writer's group I attend, but I do not personally or professionally know the author.

Like other self-help books The Loneliness Cure names and explains the problem, tells how the problem came to be, and provides practical ways to correct the problem. And it does a good job with these things, too.

One of the strategies (Recognize Diversity in Affection Displays) reminds me of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Not everyone displays affection the same way or has the same way they like to receive affection. Floyd explains this well and gives doable suggestions to deal with it.

The author doesn't sugar-coat the problem or the solutions. He offers practical explanations, ample opportunities to 'Try this' or 'Ask yourself', and ends each chapter with a section entitled 'stop and reflect'. The layout is pleasant and not distracting which helps makes the reading smooth.

[Derek · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was hoping to gain a lot more from this story than I did, and thus, was disappointed. It may be that, as a psychology and therapy student, I already knew most of what Floyd spoke about, and so his insights weren't as helpful.
Perhaps I was hoping for something more substantial and with less of a mainstream, armchair-psychology, $5 self-help feel; without 14 point font, double-spacing, and trivial--and seemingly made-up--anecdotes.
Overall, the entire book felt like a long Psychology Today article on affection, and was just about as helpful; at least Psychology Today contributors write better. Read John Gottman instead: he covers many of the same topics, only he writes in ways that are compelling and his advice and methods are more useful and pragmatic.

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

- The title is misleading: this is a book about the psychological and physiological effects of human affection
+ Just learned that some people have more oxytocin receptors than others, which can be why some people are more affectionate than others
- Needs citations

[Frank · Rating 1 out of 5]

Way too much filler! Nothing new to read here folks, you can all go home.