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Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love
Originally released twenty years ago, Love and Limerence has become a classic in the psychology of emotion. As relevant today as it was then this book offers insight hire love, infatuation, madness, and all flavors of emotion in between. Anyone struggling over the loss of the lover, aching for the attention of someone new, or in the grip of intense passion will find similar experiences to learn from and be inspired by in Love and Limerence.
336 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1979
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About the author
Dorothy Tennov
6 books26 followersDorothy Jane Tennow known as Dorothy Tennov, was an American psychologist who, in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence – the Experience of Being in Love, introduced the term "limerence".
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 145 reviews
January 6, 2014
I am quite torn about what to write about this book. I have had a lot to do with this concept of limerence over the last few years, and this has given me much time to ponder the place of this book amongst the relevant literature.
I find myself torn because the book serves two functions. The first is to de-mystify and validate the overwhelming and bewildering experience of limerence. Those who have never experienced its power will be quite perplexed about the madness that its victims describe at length. For its sufferers though, this book comes as a breath of valuable oxygen and a point of reference when all bearing is otherwise lost. This is a valuable purpose and, to me, is enough to justify the high praise some give it. I like how Tennov formalised the experience of falling in love and how she chose not to pathologise any of it. She made it a very human and normal experience, and her limerence equation of attraction, hope and uncertainty provides a simple mechanism to understand how the limerent unconsciously manipulates the variables to maintain the imagined dyad.
The second function of the book is to then describe what to do about limerence. This is where the wheels fall off in my opinion. Tennov straight-out rejected Peele & Brodsky's conception of limerence as an "addiction" (they were later vindicated by researchers such as Helen Fisher). This led her to the somewhat fatalistic conclusion that limerence was an endless cycle of transferrence, consummation and starvation. And for some, this is the truth of their existence. As Tennov alludes, a feature of the condition is to deify limerence itself (reminiscent of the brain-sucker in an early Futurama episode), which compels this population to promote the Tennovian view. She could not and would not stand outside this system and see it in terms of attachment or a general dysfunction of relating, although in fairness, the concepts of codependence and adult attachment theory were popularised about 10 years later. So to me, I think she ended up on the wrong side of history in a sense.
My experience of participating in and moderating a limerence support group for several years also led me to this conclusion. As I was sometimes wont to say there, the best books about limerence and recovery don't actually include that word in their titles. Books like Howard Halpern's How To Break Free of Your Addiction to a Person, and co-dependence titles like Facing Love Addiction and No More Mr Nice Guy are far stronger material that offer a 20,000-foot perspective on how inauthentic relating leads to covert contracts, bad boundaries and, apropros here, frustrated romantic attachments.
I find myself torn because the book serves two functions. The first is to de-mystify and validate the overwhelming and bewildering experience of limerence. Those who have never experienced its power will be quite perplexed about the madness that its victims describe at length. For its sufferers though, this book comes as a breath of valuable oxygen and a point of reference when all bearing is otherwise lost. This is a valuable purpose and, to me, is enough to justify the high praise some give it. I like how Tennov formalised the experience of falling in love and how she chose not to pathologise any of it. She made it a very human and normal experience, and her limerence equation of attraction, hope and uncertainty provides a simple mechanism to understand how the limerent unconsciously manipulates the variables to maintain the imagined dyad.
The second function of the book is to then describe what to do about limerence. This is where the wheels fall off in my opinion. Tennov straight-out rejected Peele & Brodsky's conception of limerence as an "addiction" (they were later vindicated by researchers such as Helen Fisher). This led her to the somewhat fatalistic conclusion that limerence was an endless cycle of transferrence, consummation and starvation. And for some, this is the truth of their existence. As Tennov alludes, a feature of the condition is to deify limerence itself (reminiscent of the brain-sucker in an early Futurama episode), which compels this population to promote the Tennovian view. She could not and would not stand outside this system and see it in terms of attachment or a general dysfunction of relating, although in fairness, the concepts of codependence and adult attachment theory were popularised about 10 years later. So to me, I think she ended up on the wrong side of history in a sense.
My experience of participating in and moderating a limerence support group for several years also led me to this conclusion. As I was sometimes wont to say there, the best books about limerence and recovery don't actually include that word in their titles. Books like Howard Halpern's How To Break Free of Your Addiction to a Person, and co-dependence titles like Facing Love Addiction and No More Mr Nice Guy are far stronger material that offer a 20,000-foot perspective on how inauthentic relating leads to covert contracts, bad boundaries and, apropros here, frustrated romantic attachments.
December 24, 2007
This book explained my life. More particularly, it explained a phenomenon that has occurred in my life time and again, for better or worse (or more aptly, for best and for worst)... and made me realize that while I often act and feel crazy when in love, I am neither a bad person nor insane. For anyone who finds themselves regularly and unwillingly under the spell of another human being, check this out.
August 6, 2012
A superb study of the contrast between realistic love based on an in-depth and accurate knowledge of one's partner on the one hand, and limerence, another word for infatuation, on the other - limerence is based on idealization, novelty, and hormones, and serves to get us into situations where love can develop, but is not sustainable in the long term.
This runs contrary to our culture's "love-at-first-sight leading to happily-ever-after" mythos and leads too many people to think there's something wrong with their relationships, that the "magic" is gone, when limerence fades in the face of familiarity. But limerence is not a sound basis for commitment, and committed love is needed for marriage, parenting, and sticking together through tough times and situations. This book will help people understand their relationships better, and will help those who want to break patterns of unhealthy relationships to change their patterns of attraction and involvement.
For anyone interested in this, a couple of other excellent sources of insight are Janet Woititz's Struggle For Intimacy and the recorded talks of Terry Gorsky (I used to have them on cassette tapes, but they're probably out on CD now) on relationships for adults who grew up in alcoholic and/or otherwise dysfunctional families.
This runs contrary to our culture's "love-at-first-sight leading to happily-ever-after" mythos and leads too many people to think there's something wrong with their relationships, that the "magic" is gone, when limerence fades in the face of familiarity. But limerence is not a sound basis for commitment, and committed love is needed for marriage, parenting, and sticking together through tough times and situations. This book will help people understand their relationships better, and will help those who want to break patterns of unhealthy relationships to change their patterns of attraction and involvement.
For anyone interested in this, a couple of other excellent sources of insight are Janet Woititz's Struggle For Intimacy and the recorded talks of Terry Gorsky (I used to have them on cassette tapes, but they're probably out on CD now) on relationships for adults who grew up in alcoholic and/or otherwise dysfunctional families.
October 25, 2009
For having been originally published in 1979, as I read this book I kept thinking to myself, "why didn't anyone give me this book earlier?"
This is an essential read for anyone who has ever felt that they have abnormally strong feelings for other people, especially when they didn't want to.
This is an essential read for anyone who has ever felt that they have abnormally strong feelings for other people, especially when they didn't want to.
December 3, 2025
Love and Limerence is a book about what romantic love really feels like—especially the kind that takes over your mind and becomes hard to ignore. Dorothy Tennov looks at this experience through stories, interviews, and personal accounts, showing how common it is, even though many people think they’re alone in feeling it.
She explains that limerence isn’t the same as simple infatuation, and it isn’t a sign of something wrong with you. It’s just one way humans experience love, sometimes overwhelming and distracting, sometimes painful, but still normal.
This book helps you understand why love can feel so intense and why it affects people so differently. It’s thoughtful, gentle, and makes you think about your own feelings in a more honest way.
You might like to wander through a few artistic journals — they’re full of sparks and surprises.
She explains that limerence isn’t the same as simple infatuation, and it isn’t a sign of something wrong with you. It’s just one way humans experience love, sometimes overwhelming and distracting, sometimes painful, but still normal.
This book helps you understand why love can feel so intense and why it affects people so differently. It’s thoughtful, gentle, and makes you think about your own feelings in a more honest way.
You might like to wander through a few artistic journals — they’re full of sparks and surprises.
June 25, 2021
This book explained my 20s
November 1, 2024
The idea of Limeramce hasn't really entered the pop psychology world yet, but I would encourage anyone with a history of relationship problems (many people) to take a look at this book.
Love and Limerance is a compelling exploration of the powerful emotional experience often mistaken for love but rooted in something Tennov calls Limerance. Unpacking the difference between love and limerance, the latter being an intense, maybe involuntary infatuation marked by obsessive thoughts, mood swings, and an idealization of another person. Tennov's approach is both scientific and deeply human, offering readers a mirror in which to examine their own relationships and emotional patterns.
What makes this book thought-proviking is its candid portrayal of the irrationality and intensity of limerance, which she argued may be neurologically driven rather than a pure expression of romantic love. My own opinion after reading this book was that it could be neurological, but also rooted in childhood wounds that individuals are desperately trying to resolve by fixating on one person. Her insights reveal how limerance often thrives on uncertainty, rather than genuine connection, almost a cat and mouse game. Tennov asks us to examine what truly sustains our relationships: passion, a sense of fulfillment, or perhaps the gentle intimacy that comes when obsession fades and real intimacy emerges?
This book is a fascinating read for anyone interested in the psychology of attraction, science of attachment, or the nuanced boundaries between love and longing.
10/10- would've finished it in a matter of a few weeks if I weren't drowning in my clinicals.
Love and Limerance is a compelling exploration of the powerful emotional experience often mistaken for love but rooted in something Tennov calls Limerance. Unpacking the difference between love and limerance, the latter being an intense, maybe involuntary infatuation marked by obsessive thoughts, mood swings, and an idealization of another person. Tennov's approach is both scientific and deeply human, offering readers a mirror in which to examine their own relationships and emotional patterns.
What makes this book thought-proviking is its candid portrayal of the irrationality and intensity of limerance, which she argued may be neurologically driven rather than a pure expression of romantic love. My own opinion after reading this book was that it could be neurological, but also rooted in childhood wounds that individuals are desperately trying to resolve by fixating on one person. Her insights reveal how limerance often thrives on uncertainty, rather than genuine connection, almost a cat and mouse game. Tennov asks us to examine what truly sustains our relationships: passion, a sense of fulfillment, or perhaps the gentle intimacy that comes when obsession fades and real intimacy emerges?
This book is a fascinating read for anyone interested in the psychology of attraction, science of attachment, or the nuanced boundaries between love and longing.
10/10- would've finished it in a matter of a few weeks if I weren't drowning in my clinicals.
June 23, 2018
Part of me wishes this book consisted of only chapters 1 through 4 and 8. Or maybe those were just the parts I was interested in. I found the evolutionary theories and Tennov's analysis of society a bit off at times. Nevertheless this is a good book worth reading. Perhaps not to find conclusions about the subject matter (this book is old and was the first of its kind) but to create awareness and make one ask more specific questions.
August 22, 2024
I think everyone and their mother should read this! It really challenged everything I thought was love and really dived into a feeling/condition stronger than infatuation but not as sturdy as love. Some of the writing was more confusing than necessary though.
December 6, 2022
Wonderful research! This book gave me a name for the feelings of intense infatuation that has punctuated my life and I am really grateful this research exists, confirming that I am not entirely bonkers! This book also introduced the idea of limerence or falling in love as an involuntary state, which is really helpful for me when the thoughts can seems all consuming.
May 19, 2020
I decided to read this non-fiction, psychology piece after being introduced to the concept of limerence in my introductory psychobiology class last year. I had never previously heard of the term limerence, but I was in awe at how well it captured that familiar, involuntary, and consuming state of mind I had fallen into several times in the past.
For the most part, I enjoyed significant portions of this piece, especially in terms of hearing the experiences of "The Group" that Dr. Tennov had interviewed for the sake of creating much of the foundation behind her claims, characteristics, and concepts. It was really interesting to be able to analyze my own personal experiences as well as those of her cohort through a more academic and technical lense; however, that's what a lot of this book was: anecdotal inference. Because her cohort wasn't necessarily huge (I think it was several hundred people), I do think Dr. Tennov came to conclusions or made connections that weren't necessarily justified or supported.
Literarily, I think there are far better-written non-fiction works; whether it was for the sake or reinforcement or something else, I felt like Dr. Tennov was very repetitive in her arguments or frankly, droned on. This shortcoming in her personal writing style prevented me from truly being immersed in the book, resulting in me having to force myself to trudge through some paragraphs until she'd go onto another point. Some of her tangents felt more like a preachy rant than anything else; in the chapter about the opinions of other professionals, she made it clear she has a vendetta against psychotherapy (remember, this was written in the 70s when her interviewees lived through a time where Freudian thought wasn't completely dismissed and female hysteria was still a valid diagnosis) as she spent several pages bashing the exploitive, dark truth of what happened with many people during their sessions.
Being that this was written nearly 50 years ago, I feel like some aspects of the book didn't age well; despite having a "homolimerence" subsection within one of her 8 chapters, I felt like this book was immensely heteronormative as well as western. I think the strength of this book would've been more evident had she collected information beyond comfort bias and reached out to individuals from other cultures and parts of the world. Additionally, while I do recognize that the prejudice was far greater then than it is now, I interpreted some of her points regarding non-heterosexual experiences as dismissive.
The most interesting sections of the book were in the 7th chapter, when she dissected the anthropological significance of limerence, and in the sections where she quoted Simone de Beauvoir. In fact, reading the excerpts from The Second Sex in this book has me inclined to order the original myself!
Overall, I thought her use of weaving real-life stories as "support" for her descriptions and arguments was really interesting, especially since I think we all are inclined to relate to stories of love, lust, limerence, and breakups - to an extent anyway.
While I do recognize that limerence isn't voluntary and often parallels symptoms of addiction, I do think Dr. Tennov should have done a better job of distinguishing these qualities of simple limerence from the very similar symptoms of being entrapped in an abusive relationship. I think explicitly recognizing that not all limerence has pure roots is important, because people who may not recognize the danger of their situation may dismiss the feelings they have as simply "being head over heels" for someone who actually is greatly hurting them in ways beyond limerence. She talks about one example briefly, but doesn't expand beyond showing that limerence isn't rational and that even those who are physically abused can have immense attraction and mental preoccupation with their abuser.
Ultimately, times have changed in the almost 50 years since this book was published; while I did enjoy breaking down the characteristics of limerence in an academic perspective as well as relating to the real-life experiences of others (as this made my past experiences feel more universal), I do think there are some technical and conceptual flaws to this book that are worth acknowledging as well.
For the most part, I enjoyed significant portions of this piece, especially in terms of hearing the experiences of "The Group" that Dr. Tennov had interviewed for the sake of creating much of the foundation behind her claims, characteristics, and concepts. It was really interesting to be able to analyze my own personal experiences as well as those of her cohort through a more academic and technical lense; however, that's what a lot of this book was: anecdotal inference. Because her cohort wasn't necessarily huge (I think it was several hundred people), I do think Dr. Tennov came to conclusions or made connections that weren't necessarily justified or supported.
Literarily, I think there are far better-written non-fiction works; whether it was for the sake or reinforcement or something else, I felt like Dr. Tennov was very repetitive in her arguments or frankly, droned on. This shortcoming in her personal writing style prevented me from truly being immersed in the book, resulting in me having to force myself to trudge through some paragraphs until she'd go onto another point. Some of her tangents felt more like a preachy rant than anything else; in the chapter about the opinions of other professionals, she made it clear she has a vendetta against psychotherapy (remember, this was written in the 70s when her interviewees lived through a time where Freudian thought wasn't completely dismissed and female hysteria was still a valid diagnosis) as she spent several pages bashing the exploitive, dark truth of what happened with many people during their sessions.
Being that this was written nearly 50 years ago, I feel like some aspects of the book didn't age well; despite having a "homolimerence" subsection within one of her 8 chapters, I felt like this book was immensely heteronormative as well as western. I think the strength of this book would've been more evident had she collected information beyond comfort bias and reached out to individuals from other cultures and parts of the world. Additionally, while I do recognize that the prejudice was far greater then than it is now, I interpreted some of her points regarding non-heterosexual experiences as dismissive.
The most interesting sections of the book were in the 7th chapter, when she dissected the anthropological significance of limerence, and in the sections where she quoted Simone de Beauvoir. In fact, reading the excerpts from The Second Sex in this book has me inclined to order the original myself!
Overall, I thought her use of weaving real-life stories as "support" for her descriptions and arguments was really interesting, especially since I think we all are inclined to relate to stories of love, lust, limerence, and breakups - to an extent anyway.
While I do recognize that limerence isn't voluntary and often parallels symptoms of addiction, I do think Dr. Tennov should have done a better job of distinguishing these qualities of simple limerence from the very similar symptoms of being entrapped in an abusive relationship. I think explicitly recognizing that not all limerence has pure roots is important, because people who may not recognize the danger of their situation may dismiss the feelings they have as simply "being head over heels" for someone who actually is greatly hurting them in ways beyond limerence. She talks about one example briefly, but doesn't expand beyond showing that limerence isn't rational and that even those who are physically abused can have immense attraction and mental preoccupation with their abuser.
Ultimately, times have changed in the almost 50 years since this book was published; while I did enjoy breaking down the characteristics of limerence in an academic perspective as well as relating to the real-life experiences of others (as this made my past experiences feel more universal), I do think there are some technical and conceptual flaws to this book that are worth acknowledging as well.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 15, 2019
Identifying the central concept of Limerence - a feeling of intensely absorbing, crush-y 'romantic' love/object attachment - is really useful. But the book itself is not great - very repetitive, felt poorly researched / cited and leaned heavily on evolutionary psychology in a really un-nuanced way. Also, she *really* hates on psychotherapists at one point in the book, in an 'all psychotherapists are abusers!' kind of way, which was ...surprising. Took me months to finish, which suggests it's not that absorbing.
September 22, 2013
Extremely helpful, for anyone who has loved so deeply it becomes a painful near-obsession. This book can save you hours of therapy!
November 7, 2021
This book feels like someone describing a color that I've known so long and others portray so well in music and art, but here its shared from every angle and its components are broken down for me to much more fully understand on a deep level. Not to ruin it, but just to give Limerence a more solid form.
Quotes
- "Some act on the part of the other person. Some look or word or gesture that is interpreted to indicate possible responsiveness seems necessary even if it is only imagined. Limerence is above all else mental activity. It is an interpretation of events rather than events themselves. You admire, you are physically attracted, you see or think you see or deem impossible to see under suitable conditions the hint of possible reciprocity and the process is set in motion..... at that point I was ripe, and when she gave me that look, I succumbed totally.... At the time I wasn't thinking I'm in love with Sue, I was just thoroughly enjoying the situation. I was also noticing everything about her and everything was beautiful, especially the fact that she seemed to be having the same experience.... the eyes as we shall see... may be called the organs of love."
- "Limerence is not mere sexual attraction... sometimes nothing you would label sexual interest is ever consciously felt. Sex is neither essential nor in itself adequate to satisfy the limerent need..... limerence is a desire for more than sex and a desire in which the sexual act may represent the symbol of its highest achievement: reciprocation."
- "Limerence may begin as a barely perceptible feeling of increased interest in a particular person, but one which if nurtured by appropriate conditions can grow to enormous intensity. In most cases it also declines, eventually to zero or to a low level. At this low level, limerence is either transformed through reciprocation or it is transferred to another person who then becomes the object of a new limerent passion. Under the best of conditions, the waning of limerence, through mutuality, is accompanied by the growth of the emotional response more suitably described as love."
- "Limerence has certain basic components: Intrusive thinking about the object of your passionate desire. The limerent object or LO, who is a possible of sexual partner. Acute longing for reciprocation. Dependency of mood on LOs actions or more accurately, your interpretation of LOs actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation. Inability to act limerently to more than one person at a time, exceptions occur only when limerence is at a low ebb, early on or in the last fading. Some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerent passion through vivid imagination of action by LO that means reciprocation. Fear of rejection and sometimes incapacitating but always unsettling shyness in LOs presence, especially in the beginning and whenever uncertainty strikes. Intensification through adversity at least up to a point. Acute sensitivity to any act or thought or condition that can be interpreted favorably and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent reasonable explanations for why the neutrality that the disinterested observer might see is in fact a sign of hidden passion in the LO. An aching of the heart... when uncertainty is strong. Buoyancy, a feeling of walking on air when reciprocation seems evident. A general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background. A remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in LO and to avoid dwelling on the negative."
- "I'm inclined towards the generalization that sexual attraction is an essential component of limerence."
- "For the process to develope fully, some form of uncertainty or doubt or even some threat to reciprocation appears necessary... an externally imposed obstacle... may also serve. ... too early a declaration on the limerents part, or on the other hand, too early evidence of reciprocation on the LOs part may prevent the development of the full limerent reaction. Something must happen to break a totally positive interaction. Not that totally positive reactions are without highly redeeming features in themselves, it is only that they stop the progression to full or maximum limerence."
- [calling a person limerent object:] "you respond to a construction of LOs qualities."
- "1. The limerent reaction begins, usually at a point discernable at the time and later recalled... A. The person is someone you view as a possible sexual partner and B. The initial admiration may be or seem to be primarily physical attraction. 2. Once limerence begins, you find yourself thinking about LO and receiving considerable pleasure from the process. There is an initial phase in which you feel buoyant, elated, and, ironically for this appears to be the beginning of an essentially involuntary process, free.... emotionally unburdened.... 3. With evidence of reciprocation from LO you enjoy a state of extreme pleasure, even euphoria. Your thoughts mainly occupied with considering and reconsidering what you find to be attractive in LO, replaying events... and appreciating qualities in yourself which you perceive as possibly having sparked interest in you on the part of LO.... [Maria, the contemporary juliet, sings 'I feel pretty']. 4. Your degree of involvement increases and obstacles are externally imposed or if you doubt LOs feelings for you. Only if LO were revealed to be highly undesirable might your likerence subside. Usually with some degree out doubt its intensity rises further.... crystalization... the doubt and increasing intensity of limerence undermine your former satisfaction with yourself.... you are inordinately fearful of rejection. 5. With increases in doubt interspersed with reason to hope that reciprocation may indeed occur, everything becomes intensified, specially your preoccupation percentage... preferring your fantasy to virtually any other activity... your motivation to retain a relationship, mating, or pair bond continues to intensify so long as a proper mix of hope and uncertainty exist. 6. At any point in the process, if you receive reciprocation your degree if involvement ceases to rise, until, of course, you become uncertain again."
- "The pleasures of love are always in proportion to the fear." Some of the strong physical reactions (eg flush, flittering heart), is a fear response of rejection.
- "...feeding out just enough attentiveness to keep me on the hook, but never enough to let me relax.... a fear of rejection may cause pain, but it also enhances desire.... the recognition that some uncertainty must exist has been commented on and complained about by virtually everyone who has undertaken a serious study of the phenomenon of romantic love....'nobody wants what is easily acquired'...the romeo and juliet effect, in which parents who attempt to interfere in the romance of their children may in fact intensify it. Another traditional barrier that often plays a role in limerence is the deceived spouse, who... can keep things at a boiling point."
- "Rather than commit themselves, they flirt..."
- "One of the invariant characteristics of limerence is the extreme emotional dependency on LOs behavior... uncertainty increases limerence, increased limerence dictates altered action which services to increase or decrease limerence in the other according to the interpretation given. But the interplay is delicate... a subtle balance constantly shifting appears to maintain it.... if you found yourself more limerent than your partner, than your limerence might decline through reduced hope, where if your partner's were higher than it might decline through reduced uncertainty. Perhaps such true awareness would provide a means to control the reaction."
- "the limerent fantasy.... is satisfying only when it retains fidelity to the possible."
- "utter despair poisoned still further by a shred of hope."
- "Limerence can live a long life sustained by crumbs, indeed overfeeding is perhaps the best way to end it."
- "Only those.... categorized as limerent expressed it as an intense need...[theory] love experiences are cumulative. A love experience leaves a strong impression which never fully dies out.... at very low levels of limerence the feelings began to seem.... more a diffuse searching for someone who will provide the longed for mutuality."
- "It is not so much with whom you sleep, but whether you return the feelings is what matters to the limerent."
- "As she described it later: 'even when you think everything is completely meaningless and that you will never have fun in your life ever again, feelings do change.'"
- "'I therefore fear that extensive writing about LO and your feelings of limerence might boomerangand result in intensification of the problem.'"
- "I have tentatively drawn the conclusion that an aspect of limerence is a desire for limerence. Only when recovery is complete do people appear capable of rejecting limerence as one of their most urgent personal goals."
- "Those in the throws of romance did not find their analysis diminished their passion. What did happen was some relief of shame and guilt. Although they remained limerent they no longer felt abnormal."
- "For those who wish cure, the most certain course is prevention. Once you are in its grips, your motions are directed by the external situation, and the only effective action open to you is destruction of any opportunity for reciprocation to occur."
- "Limerence has only one answer: do whatever is necessary to eliminate any trace of hope." [If someone is limerent towards you].
Quotes
- "Some act on the part of the other person. Some look or word or gesture that is interpreted to indicate possible responsiveness seems necessary even if it is only imagined. Limerence is above all else mental activity. It is an interpretation of events rather than events themselves. You admire, you are physically attracted, you see or think you see or deem impossible to see under suitable conditions the hint of possible reciprocity and the process is set in motion..... at that point I was ripe, and when she gave me that look, I succumbed totally.... At the time I wasn't thinking I'm in love with Sue, I was just thoroughly enjoying the situation. I was also noticing everything about her and everything was beautiful, especially the fact that she seemed to be having the same experience.... the eyes as we shall see... may be called the organs of love."
- "Limerence is not mere sexual attraction... sometimes nothing you would label sexual interest is ever consciously felt. Sex is neither essential nor in itself adequate to satisfy the limerent need..... limerence is a desire for more than sex and a desire in which the sexual act may represent the symbol of its highest achievement: reciprocation."
- "Limerence may begin as a barely perceptible feeling of increased interest in a particular person, but one which if nurtured by appropriate conditions can grow to enormous intensity. In most cases it also declines, eventually to zero or to a low level. At this low level, limerence is either transformed through reciprocation or it is transferred to another person who then becomes the object of a new limerent passion. Under the best of conditions, the waning of limerence, through mutuality, is accompanied by the growth of the emotional response more suitably described as love."
- "Limerence has certain basic components: Intrusive thinking about the object of your passionate desire. The limerent object or LO, who is a possible of sexual partner. Acute longing for reciprocation. Dependency of mood on LOs actions or more accurately, your interpretation of LOs actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation. Inability to act limerently to more than one person at a time, exceptions occur only when limerence is at a low ebb, early on or in the last fading. Some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerent passion through vivid imagination of action by LO that means reciprocation. Fear of rejection and sometimes incapacitating but always unsettling shyness in LOs presence, especially in the beginning and whenever uncertainty strikes. Intensification through adversity at least up to a point. Acute sensitivity to any act or thought or condition that can be interpreted favorably and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent reasonable explanations for why the neutrality that the disinterested observer might see is in fact a sign of hidden passion in the LO. An aching of the heart... when uncertainty is strong. Buoyancy, a feeling of walking on air when reciprocation seems evident. A general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background. A remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in LO and to avoid dwelling on the negative."
- "I'm inclined towards the generalization that sexual attraction is an essential component of limerence."
- "For the process to develope fully, some form of uncertainty or doubt or even some threat to reciprocation appears necessary... an externally imposed obstacle... may also serve. ... too early a declaration on the limerents part, or on the other hand, too early evidence of reciprocation on the LOs part may prevent the development of the full limerent reaction. Something must happen to break a totally positive interaction. Not that totally positive reactions are without highly redeeming features in themselves, it is only that they stop the progression to full or maximum limerence."
- [calling a person limerent object:] "you respond to a construction of LOs qualities."
- "1. The limerent reaction begins, usually at a point discernable at the time and later recalled... A. The person is someone you view as a possible sexual partner and B. The initial admiration may be or seem to be primarily physical attraction. 2. Once limerence begins, you find yourself thinking about LO and receiving considerable pleasure from the process. There is an initial phase in which you feel buoyant, elated, and, ironically for this appears to be the beginning of an essentially involuntary process, free.... emotionally unburdened.... 3. With evidence of reciprocation from LO you enjoy a state of extreme pleasure, even euphoria. Your thoughts mainly occupied with considering and reconsidering what you find to be attractive in LO, replaying events... and appreciating qualities in yourself which you perceive as possibly having sparked interest in you on the part of LO.... [Maria, the contemporary juliet, sings 'I feel pretty']. 4. Your degree of involvement increases and obstacles are externally imposed or if you doubt LOs feelings for you. Only if LO were revealed to be highly undesirable might your likerence subside. Usually with some degree out doubt its intensity rises further.... crystalization... the doubt and increasing intensity of limerence undermine your former satisfaction with yourself.... you are inordinately fearful of rejection. 5. With increases in doubt interspersed with reason to hope that reciprocation may indeed occur, everything becomes intensified, specially your preoccupation percentage... preferring your fantasy to virtually any other activity... your motivation to retain a relationship, mating, or pair bond continues to intensify so long as a proper mix of hope and uncertainty exist. 6. At any point in the process, if you receive reciprocation your degree if involvement ceases to rise, until, of course, you become uncertain again."
- "The pleasures of love are always in proportion to the fear." Some of the strong physical reactions (eg flush, flittering heart), is a fear response of rejection.
- "...feeding out just enough attentiveness to keep me on the hook, but never enough to let me relax.... a fear of rejection may cause pain, but it also enhances desire.... the recognition that some uncertainty must exist has been commented on and complained about by virtually everyone who has undertaken a serious study of the phenomenon of romantic love....'nobody wants what is easily acquired'...the romeo and juliet effect, in which parents who attempt to interfere in the romance of their children may in fact intensify it. Another traditional barrier that often plays a role in limerence is the deceived spouse, who... can keep things at a boiling point."
- "Rather than commit themselves, they flirt..."
- "One of the invariant characteristics of limerence is the extreme emotional dependency on LOs behavior... uncertainty increases limerence, increased limerence dictates altered action which services to increase or decrease limerence in the other according to the interpretation given. But the interplay is delicate... a subtle balance constantly shifting appears to maintain it.... if you found yourself more limerent than your partner, than your limerence might decline through reduced hope, where if your partner's were higher than it might decline through reduced uncertainty. Perhaps such true awareness would provide a means to control the reaction."
- "the limerent fantasy.... is satisfying only when it retains fidelity to the possible."
- "utter despair poisoned still further by a shred of hope."
- "Limerence can live a long life sustained by crumbs, indeed overfeeding is perhaps the best way to end it."
- "Only those.... categorized as limerent expressed it as an intense need...[theory] love experiences are cumulative. A love experience leaves a strong impression which never fully dies out.... at very low levels of limerence the feelings began to seem.... more a diffuse searching for someone who will provide the longed for mutuality."
- "It is not so much with whom you sleep, but whether you return the feelings is what matters to the limerent."
- "As she described it later: 'even when you think everything is completely meaningless and that you will never have fun in your life ever again, feelings do change.'"
- "'I therefore fear that extensive writing about LO and your feelings of limerence might boomerangand result in intensification of the problem.'"
- "I have tentatively drawn the conclusion that an aspect of limerence is a desire for limerence. Only when recovery is complete do people appear capable of rejecting limerence as one of their most urgent personal goals."
- "Those in the throws of romance did not find their analysis diminished their passion. What did happen was some relief of shame and guilt. Although they remained limerent they no longer felt abnormal."
- "For those who wish cure, the most certain course is prevention. Once you are in its grips, your motions are directed by the external situation, and the only effective action open to you is destruction of any opportunity for reciprocation to occur."
- "Limerence has only one answer: do whatever is necessary to eliminate any trace of hope." [If someone is limerent towards you].
March 17, 2020
'Limerence' is the term used by Tennov to differentiate 'falling / being in love' from what is inevitably then referred to as 'real love', the long-term affection of a companionate bond. Not that there is anything unreal about the intense experience of limerence, as many (most?) of us would know - but it can be unrealistic if the feelings aren't returned. It can also transform over time into 'real love' if the feelings are mutual.
I suppose that many of us would have already differentiated between the two states, even if there's been some confusion about how they relate to each other (if at all). Such confusion is one of the problems of it all being dubbed as 'love', so it's good to have a new term to use for clarification.
I was interested to read this tome as a person often subject to limerence, as an author who writes about love and relationships, and as a fan. Tennov mentions that the objects of limerence can be 'celebrities' such as rock stars and movie stars, and includes one case study where the subject had long felt limerence for Paul McCartney. However, I'd love to read more about the limerent experiences of fans, who are just as passionate about created objects such as films and television shows. For many (most?) fans it's not just about the actors or characters, but about the whole created 'verse, its worldview, and/or the stories told within it.
Leaving aside that wish for more, this was an interesting read, and brought some clarity with it.
I suppose that many of us would have already differentiated between the two states, even if there's been some confusion about how they relate to each other (if at all). Such confusion is one of the problems of it all being dubbed as 'love', so it's good to have a new term to use for clarification.
I was interested to read this tome as a person often subject to limerence, as an author who writes about love and relationships, and as a fan. Tennov mentions that the objects of limerence can be 'celebrities' such as rock stars and movie stars, and includes one case study where the subject had long felt limerence for Paul McCartney. However, I'd love to read more about the limerent experiences of fans, who are just as passionate about created objects such as films and television shows. For many (most?) fans it's not just about the actors or characters, but about the whole created 'verse, its worldview, and/or the stories told within it.
Leaving aside that wish for more, this was an interesting read, and brought some clarity with it.
February 3, 2019
Romantic love—the most intense, either you've known it, or you haven't kind—demystified.
It can be asserted that limerence occurs across sexual, racial, age, cultural and other categories. It also follows immutable rules: It endures as as long as do the conditions that sustain both hope and uncertainty; it is unique in human experience for its control over our thought processes; and its power places the achievement of the limerent goal of reciprocation above responsibilities and above other relationship.
October 14, 2024
I really believe everyone who is dating/thinking of dating should read this. The difference between love & limerence is outstanding. BUT “love” is so often used to describe limerence. Made me question a lot of things from my past but also helped me learn a lot. Cannot wait to help implement this with some clients one day. Just such a fascinating read on this theory!!
November 5, 2024
I had to read this for a class….. Booooooooooo
February 19, 2025
I hate hope and doubt. I hate Limerence. I hate this book.
FIVE STARS.
FIVE STARS.
Read
August 4, 2024==========
Some psychologists stress the evidence that it is not absolute attractiveness but the match between you and your potential LO that matters.
==========
Limerence is a desire for more than sex, and a desire in which the sexual act may represent the symbol of its highest achievement: reciprocation. Reciprocation expressed through physical union creates the ecstatic and blissful condition called “the greatest happiness,” and the most profound glorification of the achievement of limerent aims.
==========
Limerence has certain basic components:
• intrusive thinking about the object of your passionate desire (the limerent object or “LO”), who is a possible sexual partner
• acute longing for reciprocation
• dependency of mood on LO’s actions or, more accurately, your interpretation of LO’s actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
• inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time (exceptions occur only when limerence is at low ebb—early on or in the last fading)
• some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerent passion through vivid imagination of action by LO that means reciprocation
• fear of rejection and sometimes incapacitating but always unsettling shyness in LO’s presence, especially in the beginning and whenever uncertainty strikes
• intensification through adversity (at least, up to a point)
• acute sensitivity to any act or thought or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent “reasonable” explanations for why the neutrality that the disinterested observer might see is in fact a sign of hidden passion in the LO
• an aching of the “heart” (a region in the center front of the chest) when uncertainty is strong
• buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident
• a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background
• a remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in LO and to avoid dwelling on the negative, even to respond with a compassion for the negative and render it, emotionally if not perceptually, into another positive attribute.
==========
In crystallization, the actual and existing features of LO merely undergo enhancement. Idealization implies that unattractive features are literally overlooked; in limerence these features are usually seen, but emotionally ignored.
==========
At the moment of awakening after the night’s sleep, an image of LO springs into your consciousness. And you find yourself inclined to remain in bed pursuing that image and the fantasies that surround and grow out of it. Your daydreams persist throughout the day and are involuntary. Extreme effort of will to stop them produces only temporary surcease.
==========
If you encounter objects, people, places or situations associated with LO, those associations are vivid.
==========
The connections need not be logical or even close. It is not the “other thing” that reminds one of LO, but rather that the perpetual presence of LO in your head defines all other experience in relationship to that presence. If a certain thought has no previous connection with LO, you immediately make one. You wonder or imagine what LO would think of the book in your hand, the scene you are witnessing, the fortune or misfortune that is befalling you. You find yourself visualizing how you will tell about it, how LO will respond, what will be said between you, and what actions will—or might—take place in relation to it.
==========
You hope and you anticipate. You recall with vividness what LO said and did. You search out alternative meanings of those behaviors. It’s as if each word and gesture is permanently available for review, especially those which can be interpreted as evidence in favor of “return of feeling.”
==========
As it was repeatedly described to me, the course of limerence is as follows:
1. The limerent reaction begins, usually at a point discernible at the time and later recalled. Sexual attraction as such need not be experienced, although (a) the person is someone you view as a possible sexual partner, and (b) the initial “admiration” may be, or seem to be, primarily physical attraction.
2. Once limerence begins, you find yourself thinking about LO and receiving considerable pleasure from the process. There is an initial phase in which you feel buoyant, elated, and, ironically, for this appears to be the beginning of an essentially involuntary process, free. Free not only from the usual restraints of gravity, but emotionally unburdened. You may be attracted to more than one potential LO. You feel that your response is a result of LO’s fine qualities.
3. With evidence of reciprocation from LO, you enjoy a state of extreme pleasure, even euphoria. Your thoughts are mainly occupied with considering and reconsidering what you may find attractive in LO, replaying whatever events may have thus far transpired between you and LO, and appreciating qualities in yourself which you perceive as possibly having sparked interest in you on the part of LO. (It is at this point in West Side Story that Maria, the contemporary Juliet, sings I Feel Pretty.)
4. Your degree of involvement increases if obstacles are externally imposed or if you doubt LO’s feelings for you. Only if LO were to be revealed as highly undesirable might your limerence subside. Usually, with some degree of doubt its intensity rises further, and you reach the stage at which the reaction is virtually impossible to dislodge, either by your own act of will, or by further evidence of LO’s undesirable qualities. This is what Stendhal called crystallization. The doubt and increased intensity of limerence undermine your former satisfaction with yourself. You acquire new clothes, change your hairstyle, and are receptive to any suggestion by which you might increase your own desirability in LO’s eyes. You are inordinately fearful of rejection.
5. With increases in doubt interspersed with reason to hope that reciprocation may indeed occur, everything becomes intensified, especially your preoccupation percentage. At 100 percent you are mooning about, in either a joyful or a despairing state, preferring your fantasies to virtually any other activity unless it is (a) acting in ways that you believe will help you attain your limerent objective, such as beautifying yourself and, therefore increasing the probability that you will impress LO favorably during your interaction, or (b) actually being in the presence of LO. Your motivation to attain a “relationship” (mating, or pair bond) continues to intensify so long as a “proper” mix of hope and uncertainty exist, as it did for Margrit when Bert showed interest but seemed to act on it unpredictably.
6. At any point in the process, if you perceive reciprocation, your degree of involvement ceases to rise—until, of course, you become uncertain again. Usually, however, what might be an obvious sign of interest to an observer is not so obvious to you. “Lover’s spats,” games in which the timid partners attempt to conceal from each other the full nature of the reaction that has seized them, as well as the inevitable differences between their interests, prevent full reciprocation in each other’s eyes and allow the intensity to continue to increase.
==========
being in love made them “more sexual” generally.
==========
Limerence can live a long life sustained by crumbs. Indeed, overfeeding is perhaps the best way to end it.
==========
diaries of adolescents often describe longing for “someone,” as if limerence gets turned on at a certain age, or hormone level, or stage of “psychosexual” development, regardless of the presence of a suitable LO. Even before a particular potential recipient of limerence appears on the scene, the young person feels an emotional stirring that can be described as wanting to be in love.
==========
Two-thirds said they “need someone to love and to love me,” and more than half complained of loneliness. Approximately half accepted the statements, “Sometimes I feel sad when I am with other couples because I am alone”; “I have been very lonely”; “I feel a great need for an intimate relationship with someone”; and “I wish I could find the right person for me.” What is a “potential LO”? The answer appears to be anyone who meets certain rough criteria.
==========
. . . love experiences are cumulative . . . a love experience leaves a strong impression which never entirely dies out.
==========
He didn’t seem to know or to care what my intentions were or what I was interested in doing. On the one hand, he was declaring eternal love, and on the other, he showed no concern for my life, my job, my friends, or what I wished. He was a stranger to me.
==========
Sexual jealousy and limerent jealousy are not identical. It is not so much with whom you sleep but whether you return the feelings that matters to the limerent. But the limerent exclusivity is an alien thing to the nonlimerent mind. Nothing like limerence exists there. There is no other state quite like limerence. Therefore it is difficult for the nonlimerent person to imagine or, probably, for the formerly limerent nonlimerent to remember. The need for exclusivity is therefore seldom distinguished from jealousy.
==========
“I simply won’t let it happen. I’ll never let myself go like that again. If some woman appeals to me in more than just a friendly or sexy way, if I get any sign that that’s what’s happening, I’ll run. I’ve already done so a couple of times.”
==========
One thing is clear: The relationship between love and music is strong for many of us. Stendhal went so far as to say that “perfect music has the same effect on the heart as the presence of the beloved.”
==========
men are also susceptible to limerence with all its agonies as well as its bliss
==========
it is known that limerence comes about when
(1) you are in a state of readiness (which means at least that you are not intensely limerent about someone else at the moment), and
(2) you encounter a member of your personal LO pool (that subcategory of all humans with the potential of exciting that response in you) who through look, word, or deed suggests that spark of interest in you that sets off the limerent
==========
Whatever factors cause an individual to “select” a specific LO, limerence cements the reaction and locks the emotional gates against further intrusion. This exclusivity, which always occurs in limerence, weakens the effect of physical attractiveness, since the most beautiful individual in the world cannot compete with LO once limerence has taken hold.
==========
Limerence for a particular LO does cease under one of the following conditions: consummation—in which the bliss of reciprocation is gradually either blended into a lasting love or replaced by less positive feelings; starvation—in which even limerent sensitivity to signs of hope is useless against the onslaught of evidence that LO does not return the limerence; transformation—in which limerence is transferred to a new LO.
==========
Perhaps the best cure you can administer to yourself is to remove all contact and all possibility of contact between yourself and your unresponsive LO.
Some psychologists stress the evidence that it is not absolute attractiveness but the match between you and your potential LO that matters.
==========
Limerence is a desire for more than sex, and a desire in which the sexual act may represent the symbol of its highest achievement: reciprocation. Reciprocation expressed through physical union creates the ecstatic and blissful condition called “the greatest happiness,” and the most profound glorification of the achievement of limerent aims.
==========
Limerence has certain basic components:
• intrusive thinking about the object of your passionate desire (the limerent object or “LO”), who is a possible sexual partner
• acute longing for reciprocation
• dependency of mood on LO’s actions or, more accurately, your interpretation of LO’s actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
• inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time (exceptions occur only when limerence is at low ebb—early on or in the last fading)
• some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerent passion through vivid imagination of action by LO that means reciprocation
• fear of rejection and sometimes incapacitating but always unsettling shyness in LO’s presence, especially in the beginning and whenever uncertainty strikes
• intensification through adversity (at least, up to a point)
• acute sensitivity to any act or thought or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent “reasonable” explanations for why the neutrality that the disinterested observer might see is in fact a sign of hidden passion in the LO
• an aching of the “heart” (a region in the center front of the chest) when uncertainty is strong
• buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident
• a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background
• a remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in LO and to avoid dwelling on the negative, even to respond with a compassion for the negative and render it, emotionally if not perceptually, into another positive attribute.
==========
In crystallization, the actual and existing features of LO merely undergo enhancement. Idealization implies that unattractive features are literally overlooked; in limerence these features are usually seen, but emotionally ignored.
==========
At the moment of awakening after the night’s sleep, an image of LO springs into your consciousness. And you find yourself inclined to remain in bed pursuing that image and the fantasies that surround and grow out of it. Your daydreams persist throughout the day and are involuntary. Extreme effort of will to stop them produces only temporary surcease.
==========
If you encounter objects, people, places or situations associated with LO, those associations are vivid.
==========
The connections need not be logical or even close. It is not the “other thing” that reminds one of LO, but rather that the perpetual presence of LO in your head defines all other experience in relationship to that presence. If a certain thought has no previous connection with LO, you immediately make one. You wonder or imagine what LO would think of the book in your hand, the scene you are witnessing, the fortune or misfortune that is befalling you. You find yourself visualizing how you will tell about it, how LO will respond, what will be said between you, and what actions will—or might—take place in relation to it.
==========
You hope and you anticipate. You recall with vividness what LO said and did. You search out alternative meanings of those behaviors. It’s as if each word and gesture is permanently available for review, especially those which can be interpreted as evidence in favor of “return of feeling.”
==========
As it was repeatedly described to me, the course of limerence is as follows:
1. The limerent reaction begins, usually at a point discernible at the time and later recalled. Sexual attraction as such need not be experienced, although (a) the person is someone you view as a possible sexual partner, and (b) the initial “admiration” may be, or seem to be, primarily physical attraction.
2. Once limerence begins, you find yourself thinking about LO and receiving considerable pleasure from the process. There is an initial phase in which you feel buoyant, elated, and, ironically, for this appears to be the beginning of an essentially involuntary process, free. Free not only from the usual restraints of gravity, but emotionally unburdened. You may be attracted to more than one potential LO. You feel that your response is a result of LO’s fine qualities.
3. With evidence of reciprocation from LO, you enjoy a state of extreme pleasure, even euphoria. Your thoughts are mainly occupied with considering and reconsidering what you may find attractive in LO, replaying whatever events may have thus far transpired between you and LO, and appreciating qualities in yourself which you perceive as possibly having sparked interest in you on the part of LO. (It is at this point in West Side Story that Maria, the contemporary Juliet, sings I Feel Pretty.)
4. Your degree of involvement increases if obstacles are externally imposed or if you doubt LO’s feelings for you. Only if LO were to be revealed as highly undesirable might your limerence subside. Usually, with some degree of doubt its intensity rises further, and you reach the stage at which the reaction is virtually impossible to dislodge, either by your own act of will, or by further evidence of LO’s undesirable qualities. This is what Stendhal called crystallization. The doubt and increased intensity of limerence undermine your former satisfaction with yourself. You acquire new clothes, change your hairstyle, and are receptive to any suggestion by which you might increase your own desirability in LO’s eyes. You are inordinately fearful of rejection.
5. With increases in doubt interspersed with reason to hope that reciprocation may indeed occur, everything becomes intensified, especially your preoccupation percentage. At 100 percent you are mooning about, in either a joyful or a despairing state, preferring your fantasies to virtually any other activity unless it is (a) acting in ways that you believe will help you attain your limerent objective, such as beautifying yourself and, therefore increasing the probability that you will impress LO favorably during your interaction, or (b) actually being in the presence of LO. Your motivation to attain a “relationship” (mating, or pair bond) continues to intensify so long as a “proper” mix of hope and uncertainty exist, as it did for Margrit when Bert showed interest but seemed to act on it unpredictably.
6. At any point in the process, if you perceive reciprocation, your degree of involvement ceases to rise—until, of course, you become uncertain again. Usually, however, what might be an obvious sign of interest to an observer is not so obvious to you. “Lover’s spats,” games in which the timid partners attempt to conceal from each other the full nature of the reaction that has seized them, as well as the inevitable differences between their interests, prevent full reciprocation in each other’s eyes and allow the intensity to continue to increase.
==========
being in love made them “more sexual” generally.
==========
Limerence can live a long life sustained by crumbs. Indeed, overfeeding is perhaps the best way to end it.
==========
diaries of adolescents often describe longing for “someone,” as if limerence gets turned on at a certain age, or hormone level, or stage of “psychosexual” development, regardless of the presence of a suitable LO. Even before a particular potential recipient of limerence appears on the scene, the young person feels an emotional stirring that can be described as wanting to be in love.
==========
Two-thirds said they “need someone to love and to love me,” and more than half complained of loneliness. Approximately half accepted the statements, “Sometimes I feel sad when I am with other couples because I am alone”; “I have been very lonely”; “I feel a great need for an intimate relationship with someone”; and “I wish I could find the right person for me.” What is a “potential LO”? The answer appears to be anyone who meets certain rough criteria.
==========
. . . love experiences are cumulative . . . a love experience leaves a strong impression which never entirely dies out.
==========
He didn’t seem to know or to care what my intentions were or what I was interested in doing. On the one hand, he was declaring eternal love, and on the other, he showed no concern for my life, my job, my friends, or what I wished. He was a stranger to me.
==========
Sexual jealousy and limerent jealousy are not identical. It is not so much with whom you sleep but whether you return the feelings that matters to the limerent. But the limerent exclusivity is an alien thing to the nonlimerent mind. Nothing like limerence exists there. There is no other state quite like limerence. Therefore it is difficult for the nonlimerent person to imagine or, probably, for the formerly limerent nonlimerent to remember. The need for exclusivity is therefore seldom distinguished from jealousy.
==========
“I simply won’t let it happen. I’ll never let myself go like that again. If some woman appeals to me in more than just a friendly or sexy way, if I get any sign that that’s what’s happening, I’ll run. I’ve already done so a couple of times.”
==========
One thing is clear: The relationship between love and music is strong for many of us. Stendhal went so far as to say that “perfect music has the same effect on the heart as the presence of the beloved.”
==========
men are also susceptible to limerence with all its agonies as well as its bliss
==========
it is known that limerence comes about when
(1) you are in a state of readiness (which means at least that you are not intensely limerent about someone else at the moment), and
(2) you encounter a member of your personal LO pool (that subcategory of all humans with the potential of exciting that response in you) who through look, word, or deed suggests that spark of interest in you that sets off the limerent
==========
Whatever factors cause an individual to “select” a specific LO, limerence cements the reaction and locks the emotional gates against further intrusion. This exclusivity, which always occurs in limerence, weakens the effect of physical attractiveness, since the most beautiful individual in the world cannot compete with LO once limerence has taken hold.
==========
Limerence for a particular LO does cease under one of the following conditions: consummation—in which the bliss of reciprocation is gradually either blended into a lasting love or replaced by less positive feelings; starvation—in which even limerent sensitivity to signs of hope is useless against the onslaught of evidence that LO does not return the limerence; transformation—in which limerence is transferred to a new LO.
==========
Perhaps the best cure you can administer to yourself is to remove all contact and all possibility of contact between yourself and your unresponsive LO.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 29, 2025
3.75⭐️’s
February 24, 2025
Interesting read but a touch out of date. The feelings of love are timeless but I would be intrigued to read a volume that addresses modern day changes like social media being accessible 24/7 to limerent individuals. Some of the stories shared had me wondering...is this limerence or is this person unwell/unsafe etc. Lots of examples of how people feel, but not enough of the "why" for me.
April 21, 2018
I wish I had read this book during my teenage years. That would have spared me of so much psychological hassle back then! This is a mandatory read to every human being who lives in society because anyone can turn into an agent or object of limerence, regardless of gender or age, and it's absolutely normal (estimation is that more than half the population felt limerence at least once) -- and the best part: it is not under our control.
Limerance (also known as "romantic love") is an intense, quickly developed yearn for someone -- or rather, for his or her reprocity -- permeated by obsessive thoughts and fantasies that bring intolerable torment if not corresponded. It can be triggered by mere chance, usually due to slight details in the limerent object's traits or actions that spark something in your brain. It's an irrational state of mind that affects reasoning and mood among people otherwise sane; it depletes the limerent's energy through long hours (and sometimes days, weeks, or years!) of sustained lovesick reverie, which can only be relieved by consumation with the limerent object or, in some cases, cutting off the limerent object from your life completely. Tennov, a behavioral psychologist, did a wonderful investigation in her book and became a pioneer in this rather overlooked subject.
Limerance (also known as "romantic love") is an intense, quickly developed yearn for someone -- or rather, for his or her reprocity -- permeated by obsessive thoughts and fantasies that bring intolerable torment if not corresponded. It can be triggered by mere chance, usually due to slight details in the limerent object's traits or actions that spark something in your brain. It's an irrational state of mind that affects reasoning and mood among people otherwise sane; it depletes the limerent's energy through long hours (and sometimes days, weeks, or years!) of sustained lovesick reverie, which can only be relieved by consumation with the limerent object or, in some cases, cutting off the limerent object from your life completely. Tennov, a behavioral psychologist, did a wonderful investigation in her book and became a pioneer in this rather overlooked subject.
May 9, 2023
This book simultaneously provided a lot of clarity for me and my personal experiences while making it extremely confusing understanding the different between limerence and love. I suppose when you only have one definition of something your whole life, it's hard to change it. This felt very well researched and I appreciate that Tennov wanted to express this as a human experience and not as something terrible that people should be punished for feeling.
Other points of note:
- weird comments about weight
- a lot more queer representation than I expected in a book from 1979
- lots of personal anecdotes
- incredibly short and unsatisfying chapter on how to actually deal with being limerent
It's really unfortunate that there hasn't been any groundbreaking psychology research published on this since Tennov's book. I can only imagine the amount of information we have 40 years later that has yet to be explored.
Other points of note:
- weird comments about weight
- a lot more queer representation than I expected in a book from 1979
- lots of personal anecdotes
- incredibly short and unsatisfying chapter on how to actually deal with being limerent
It's really unfortunate that there hasn't been any groundbreaking psychology research published on this since Tennov's book. I can only imagine the amount of information we have 40 years later that has yet to be explored.
June 8, 2010
FASCINATING look at the obsessive state we can sometimes find ourselves in when it comes to the opposite sex. Tennov explores the mysterious state between lust and love and describes why it can be so hard to end a relationship even when we know it isn't working out. For a really interesting summary, read the wikipedia article here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence
December 16, 2024
limerence is characterized by intrusive thoughts towards LO (love object), mood dependency based on LO's perceived actions, a desire and hope for reciprocation, and a fear of rejection.
i liked this book but at times i found it to be repetitive. interesting case studies, reports from interviewees, critiques on psychoanalysis.
a scientific explanation for an all too common phenomenon: love.
i liked this book but at times i found it to be repetitive. interesting case studies, reports from interviewees, critiques on psychoanalysis.
a scientific explanation for an all too common phenomenon: love.
Read
July 1, 2007Should be required reading for high school. Although It would probably be better to write a version FOR high school. Lots of behavioural paradigms from psychology are like witchcraft metaphors, apparently. This book helps dispel the phlogiston....
January 2, 2018
Required for those of us who have fallen in love
Expectations too great to be met, intensity too great to endure, imagination too wild to be believed, maybe you have been there.
Congratulations and condolences.
Expectations too great to be met, intensity too great to endure, imagination too wild to be believed, maybe you have been there.
Congratulations and condolences.
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