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Jealousy
This book, first published in 1977 by Prentice Hall, is an integrated anthology of writings on jealousy that will be useful to researchers, students, helping professionals, and to individuals and couples seeking a better understanding of their feelings and relationships. The book includes nineteen chapters on various aspects of jealousy by sociologists, psychologists, and three perceptive journalists. It is the standard reference work on jealousy. Exploring issues related to psychotherapy and self-understanding, it encourages an emphasis on normal jealousy, rather than pathological jealousy. The book concludes that most jealousy is best understood as a relationship problem, rather than as a personal problem rooted in the psychological inadequacies of one individual.
- GenresRelationshipsPsychology
340 pages, Paperback
First published October 28, 1976
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November 27, 2011
I found this old psychology text at Half-Price Books, and it blew my goddammed mind.
Everything I've been trying to piece together for the last few months, this book did for me. Questions like: why, if I have such piss-poor self-esteem, do my emotions about Huzbin's workcrush range from apathy to compersion? Shouldn't I feel consumed with jealousy, instead of feeling overwhelming joy?
Some things I had already hit upon for myself, like the fact that jealousy is caused less by external circumstances and more by one's own belief systems and the sense of security in one's relationship. (It follows, then, that if you want to control your jealousy, you ought to ask questions about the nature of love / sex and ask for plenty of hugs.) But other things, like Maslow's concept of B- and D-love were novel and absolutely fascinating to me. This book flipped on millions of little lightbulbs in my pea-sized brain.
I did take issue with the uncritical treatment of the Kerista Commune -- the author took their self-reports of jealousy at face value, which was patently absurd. Kerista, for those of you not obsessed with 1970's sex cults, was a commune in San Francisco founded on the idea of "polyfidelity" -- sort of like a 15-person marriage. Keristan culture clearly had a dysfunctional relationship to negative emotions: instead of honestly sharing and constructively processing emotions, Keristans were more into brute force repression. So, although Keristans likely felt jealous from time to time, they certainly weren't going to admit to the ultimate of sins. Perhaps this should denial have been accounted for?
Also, the author tries to spin jealousy as a relationship-protective device, which I just don't buy. A relationship, to me, is entirely about delving into someone else's headspace, learning to intelligently navigate the landscape of another person's psyche. If anything, jealousy gives us incentive to lie and deceive, thus closing off pieces of our partners' brains and making them unknowable. Jealousy, when channeled through hyperspecific filters, can be beneficial for personal evolution and reinforce the pair bond... but it is a painful emotion, and one that when expressed in "normal" ways, is inarguably counterproductive.
In conclusion, read this book twice. It has two minor problems but is otherwise an amazing resource for anyone looking to understand the nature of jealousy.
Everything I've been trying to piece together for the last few months, this book did for me. Questions like: why, if I have such piss-poor self-esteem, do my emotions about Huzbin's workcrush range from apathy to compersion? Shouldn't I feel consumed with jealousy, instead of feeling overwhelming joy?
Some things I had already hit upon for myself, like the fact that jealousy is caused less by external circumstances and more by one's own belief systems and the sense of security in one's relationship. (It follows, then, that if you want to control your jealousy, you ought to ask questions about the nature of love / sex and ask for plenty of hugs.) But other things, like Maslow's concept of B- and D-love were novel and absolutely fascinating to me. This book flipped on millions of little lightbulbs in my pea-sized brain.
I did take issue with the uncritical treatment of the Kerista Commune -- the author took their self-reports of jealousy at face value, which was patently absurd. Kerista, for those of you not obsessed with 1970's sex cults, was a commune in San Francisco founded on the idea of "polyfidelity" -- sort of like a 15-person marriage. Keristan culture clearly had a dysfunctional relationship to negative emotions: instead of honestly sharing and constructively processing emotions, Keristans were more into brute force repression. So, although Keristans likely felt jealous from time to time, they certainly weren't going to admit to the ultimate of sins. Perhaps this should denial have been accounted for?
Also, the author tries to spin jealousy as a relationship-protective device, which I just don't buy. A relationship, to me, is entirely about delving into someone else's headspace, learning to intelligently navigate the landscape of another person's psyche. If anything, jealousy gives us incentive to lie and deceive, thus closing off pieces of our partners' brains and making them unknowable. Jealousy, when channeled through hyperspecific filters, can be beneficial for personal evolution and reinforce the pair bond... but it is a painful emotion, and one that when expressed in "normal" ways, is inarguably counterproductive.
In conclusion, read this book twice. It has two minor problems but is otherwise an amazing resource for anyone looking to understand the nature of jealousy.
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