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30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage
From the author of the beloved 30 Lessons for LivingKarl Pillemer’s 30 Lessons for Living first became a hit and then became a classic. Readers loved the sage advice and great stories from extraordinary older Americans who shared what they wish they had known when they were starting out. Now, Pillemer returns with lessons on one of the mosttalked- about parts of that book—love, relationships, and marriage.Based on the most detailed survey of longmarried people ever conducted, 30 Lessons for Loving shows the way to lifelong, fulfilling relationships. The author, an internationally renowned gerontologist at Cornell University, offers sage advice from the oldest and wisest Americans on everything from finding a partner, to deciding to commit, to growing old together. Along the way, the book answers questions like How do you know if the person you love is the right one? What are the secrets for improving communication and reducing conflict? What gets you through the major stresses of marriage, such as child-rearing, work, money issues, and inlaws? From interviews with 700 elders, 30 Lessons for Loving offers unique wisdom that will enrich anyone’s relationship life, from people searching for the right partner to those working to keep the spark alive after decades together.Filled with great stories, wise observations, and useful advice, 30 Lessons for Loving is destined to become another classic.
306 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 8, 2015
98 people are currently reading
1477 people want to read
About the author
Karl Pillemer
27 books72 followersKarl Pillemer, Ph.D., is one of America's foremost gerontologists and family sociologists. He is a professor of human development at Cornell University. He founded the Marriage Advice Project, which surveyed hundreds of older Americans on their advice on love and marriage. He is the author of a number of books, including "30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans," and "30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage."
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 64 reviews
September 10, 2015
"Respect means freedom, not control: I give you the right to be yourself.” ~ eighty-eight-year-old Eula Zimmerman
30 Lessons for Loving is loaded with advice garnered from surveying approximately seven hundred adults age sixty-five and over.
The Marriage Advice Project is a national interview survey. The questions asked were a series of prompts, asking individuals to share love and marriage advice for young people, focusing on topics such as: choosing a mate, dealing with stressors, avoiding break-ups, the role of intimacy, and core values and principles for marriage.
It’s interesting to read about the frustrations and satisfaction these individuals’ have experienced throughout their lives. What better way to educate young couples on such things than to go to the sources with experience?
As someone who has been happily married for three decades, I relate to these individuals’ familiarity and knowledge of marriage, family, and love. Life experience carries an obligation to share both failures and achievements with anyone willing to listen and learn from them.
This book is a collection of thirty lessons, divided into five chapters: Lessons for Finding a Mate, Communication and Conflict, Getting Over the Hard Parts, Keeping the Spark Alive, and Thinking Like an Expert About Love and Marriage. There is also an Appendix, explaining how this study was conducted.
One of the simplest and dearest pieces of advice is found in the chapter on Communication. The lesson titled, Mind Your Manners, shares the importance of how married couples treat one another. When people disagree in the workplace they rarely raise their voices, storm off, call each other names and such, so there’s no call for couples doing so in their relationships.
I especially liked a particular man’s take on this. Seventy-five-year-old Tony Matthews states:
It’s all about demonstrating love and having mutual respect. I think as people are around the same person for a long time, they forget to be polite and just say please and thank you, or offer one another a hand. Simple things that can mean a lot. I know of so many couples where one person becomes grouchy because things aren’t exactly right. I think it’s a matter of not forgetting those simple things that make up politeness.
Cover: Just okay
Title: Like it
Publisher: Hudson Street Press
Pages: 304
Pace: Steady
First lines (Chapter one): My advice? Be extremely careful about who you marry. The most important thing is to pick someone who is a good candidate for marriage. You can’t make something out of nothing. When you’re young it’s easy to be bowled over by how someone looks. But that isn’t enough.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book from the LibraryThing. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255
30 Lessons for Loving is loaded with advice garnered from surveying approximately seven hundred adults age sixty-five and over.
The Marriage Advice Project is a national interview survey. The questions asked were a series of prompts, asking individuals to share love and marriage advice for young people, focusing on topics such as: choosing a mate, dealing with stressors, avoiding break-ups, the role of intimacy, and core values and principles for marriage.
It’s interesting to read about the frustrations and satisfaction these individuals’ have experienced throughout their lives. What better way to educate young couples on such things than to go to the sources with experience?
As someone who has been happily married for three decades, I relate to these individuals’ familiarity and knowledge of marriage, family, and love. Life experience carries an obligation to share both failures and achievements with anyone willing to listen and learn from them.
This book is a collection of thirty lessons, divided into five chapters: Lessons for Finding a Mate, Communication and Conflict, Getting Over the Hard Parts, Keeping the Spark Alive, and Thinking Like an Expert About Love and Marriage. There is also an Appendix, explaining how this study was conducted.
One of the simplest and dearest pieces of advice is found in the chapter on Communication. The lesson titled, Mind Your Manners, shares the importance of how married couples treat one another. When people disagree in the workplace they rarely raise their voices, storm off, call each other names and such, so there’s no call for couples doing so in their relationships.
I especially liked a particular man’s take on this. Seventy-five-year-old Tony Matthews states:
It’s all about demonstrating love and having mutual respect. I think as people are around the same person for a long time, they forget to be polite and just say please and thank you, or offer one another a hand. Simple things that can mean a lot. I know of so many couples where one person becomes grouchy because things aren’t exactly right. I think it’s a matter of not forgetting those simple things that make up politeness.
Cover: Just okay
Title: Like it
Publisher: Hudson Street Press
Pages: 304
Pace: Steady
First lines (Chapter one): My advice? Be extremely careful about who you marry. The most important thing is to pick someone who is a good candidate for marriage. You can’t make something out of nothing. When you’re young it’s easy to be bowled over by how someone looks. But that isn’t enough.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book from the LibraryThing. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255
March 20, 2015
Dr. Karl Pillemer's "30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage" is a sensitive and useful book based on hundreds of hours of interviews he conducted with married, divorced, single, and widowed people over age 60. When asked why he thought a bunch of old folks had any special insight into relationships, he replied:
"Over the 1.5 million or so years of human existence, It is only for about the past 100 years that most people have gone to anyone OTHER than the oldest person they knew for solutions to life's problems. Anthropologists tell us that in prehistoric times, the accumulated wisdom of older people was a key to human survival."
And this is exactly right. The people he interviewed lived through The Great Depression, World War II, The Korean War, The Vietnam War, saw the first men walk on the moon, and have learned to use computers and cell phones. They're tough, seasoned, adaptable, resilient, and they've faced just about every relationship issue a human could encounter - and lived to tell about it.
A popular meme on Facebook that I particularly love asks the question: "How did you manage to stay together for 65 years?" And the answer: "We were born in a time where, if something were broken, we would fix it, not throw it away". Yes, there are divorced people in this book, but the overall message is that hard work, dedication and compatibility are the keys to a long life together.
The author breaks the book down into chapters, with the elders giving their advice on subjects such as Lessons for Finding a Mate, Communications, Getting Through the Hard Parts, Keeping The Spark Alive, and Thinking Like An Expert About Love And Marriage. I've been married 24 years and I still learned a few things from this book. I think it should be required reading for any couple considering marriage, and kept on every couple's bookshelf for reference when screaming kids, money problems, illness, boredom and temptation crop up in the years after the happy wedding day.
Overall, I can't say enough how much I loved this book. Not only do I have a big soft spot for the elderly, but I miss my wise and loving grandparents, who had passed away before I needed their advice on my own marriage. Read this book, you won't regret it!
I received a complimentary copy of this book directly from the author, in exchange for writing an honest review.
"Over the 1.5 million or so years of human existence, It is only for about the past 100 years that most people have gone to anyone OTHER than the oldest person they knew for solutions to life's problems. Anthropologists tell us that in prehistoric times, the accumulated wisdom of older people was a key to human survival."
And this is exactly right. The people he interviewed lived through The Great Depression, World War II, The Korean War, The Vietnam War, saw the first men walk on the moon, and have learned to use computers and cell phones. They're tough, seasoned, adaptable, resilient, and they've faced just about every relationship issue a human could encounter - and lived to tell about it.
A popular meme on Facebook that I particularly love asks the question: "How did you manage to stay together for 65 years?" And the answer: "We were born in a time where, if something were broken, we would fix it, not throw it away". Yes, there are divorced people in this book, but the overall message is that hard work, dedication and compatibility are the keys to a long life together.
The author breaks the book down into chapters, with the elders giving their advice on subjects such as Lessons for Finding a Mate, Communications, Getting Through the Hard Parts, Keeping The Spark Alive, and Thinking Like An Expert About Love And Marriage. I've been married 24 years and I still learned a few things from this book. I think it should be required reading for any couple considering marriage, and kept on every couple's bookshelf for reference when screaming kids, money problems, illness, boredom and temptation crop up in the years after the happy wedding day.
Overall, I can't say enough how much I loved this book. Not only do I have a big soft spot for the elderly, but I miss my wise and loving grandparents, who had passed away before I needed their advice on my own marriage. Read this book, you won't regret it!
I received a complimentary copy of this book directly from the author, in exchange for writing an honest review.
July 5, 2020
What’s the reason to stay together: marriage first before kids, sufficient funds vs. money issues, how to keep the sparkle alive? - gifts; friendship between each other, don’t let anger take over and respect the other, and other...
September 3, 2017
Absolutely LOVE this book! I come from a "broken home" & never had good marriage role models, my parents divorced when I was really young... but this' Fantastic info to talk to your partner about & strengthen your relationship! I admit, I took notes & am so glad I did!
I've reached that point where I've come to Really value the wisdom of our elders~ they've done it already so what do they recommend? They may have had a wonderful, fulfilling long marriage or numerous but they all have knowledge to share on it.
The approach this book takes is all explained in the back of the book, listing studies, surveys, projects and hundreds of interviews analyzed and compiled at Cornell. It's legit~
I've reached that point where I've come to Really value the wisdom of our elders~ they've done it already so what do they recommend? They may have had a wonderful, fulfilling long marriage or numerous but they all have knowledge to share on it.
The approach this book takes is all explained in the back of the book, listing studies, surveys, projects and hundreds of interviews analyzed and compiled at Cornell. It's legit~
January 23, 2015
This is such an amazing book! I am half way done, I am not even finished, because this has been taking me a lot longer than I had expected. I have been highlighting every important point and then have been taking side notes. I am going to type up a paper about these topics and ideas because I think they are so useful and I can not wait to share them with my boy friend and my friends! This book really is a blessing. The tips and ideas are very useful, and I like the way that it gets down to nitty gritty details, without getting too boring or uneventful. This book applies to anyone who wants a healthy long lasting relationship.
February 5, 2015
Not going to lie, I prefer his 30 Lessons for Living over this one. Not that this book was bad, it was just really detailed and a lot of information and advice was shared that only had to deal with relationships which left me reeling with a lot of information. Which duh, makes sense because of title says this book is all about love and relationships but wow, it was still a bit overwhelming for me. I think next time I read this will be just in the sections that I am interested in rather than the entire book at once. I think that will help.
Still a good read though. I like what this author does in regards to talking to older people and getting their advice for the younger generation.
Still a good read though. I like what this author does in regards to talking to older people and getting their advice for the younger generation.
September 2, 2016
Very inspiring read on love and marriage from elders - facing trials and tribulations, what to work on, what to avoid, danger signs in a relationship etc. Great quotes, including by a lady who spiced up her marriage with surprises such as wrapping her naked self in cling wrap with a bow and lying at the door in wait for her husband :D Dang. Always dreamt of growing ancient with someone and hobbling around together on creaking, aching bones and this definitely spurs me on.
Oh and there are a few lousy quotes too, so don't expect the whole book to be great!
Oh and there are a few lousy quotes too, so don't expect the whole book to be great!
December 26, 2014
really enjoyed this book. Best advice always comes from those that have lived it. A lot of wisdom in this book. I recommend it
March 5, 2015
Good advice about how to be a wonderful partner. I took notes from this book and stored it on my phone so I could have easy access to some of its advice when I need it. Great read.
February 25, 2016
A sweet collection of marriage advice from the 65+ set.
Pillemer's made a career out of interviewing older folks to get the benefit of their life experience. This entry in his series tackles that eternal enigma, how to have a good marriage. If you were lucky enough to have good relationship role models in your life, you've probably heard a lot of this before...but it bears repeating, and is invaluable to anyone who did NOT have the benefit of this kind of advice.
The couples surveyed represent an admirably broad swath of ages, races, classes, and sexual orientations (though most gay couples could not marry at the time this book was written, Pillemer imcluded many LGBTQ pairings who made lifelong committments despite legal barriers). Topics covered include how to find "the one," how to fight fair, how to take care of each others' emotional needs, and how to keep sex sexy in the twilight years (the elders were, on the whole, bemused that young people worry about this so much. Tl;dr: it will be fine). While a lot of the advice given is what used to be known as common sense, said sense is a lot less common these days, so many couples will benefit from its pages.
What's really cool here is that Pillemer has included both good examples AND cautionary tales, so you don't make some of the mistakes your forebears did. All of the advice is given in a helpful spirit - there's absolutely NO "get off my lawn" crap here, which is adorable and refreshing. If you're looking to strengthen your relationship so it lasts a lifetime, or if you've got to buy a wedding present for a couple you care about, this is the book you want. Recommended for anyone who wants to succeed in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship.
Pillemer's made a career out of interviewing older folks to get the benefit of their life experience. This entry in his series tackles that eternal enigma, how to have a good marriage. If you were lucky enough to have good relationship role models in your life, you've probably heard a lot of this before...but it bears repeating, and is invaluable to anyone who did NOT have the benefit of this kind of advice.
The couples surveyed represent an admirably broad swath of ages, races, classes, and sexual orientations (though most gay couples could not marry at the time this book was written, Pillemer imcluded many LGBTQ pairings who made lifelong committments despite legal barriers). Topics covered include how to find "the one," how to fight fair, how to take care of each others' emotional needs, and how to keep sex sexy in the twilight years (the elders were, on the whole, bemused that young people worry about this so much. Tl;dr: it will be fine). While a lot of the advice given is what used to be known as common sense, said sense is a lot less common these days, so many couples will benefit from its pages.
What's really cool here is that Pillemer has included both good examples AND cautionary tales, so you don't make some of the mistakes your forebears did. All of the advice is given in a helpful spirit - there's absolutely NO "get off my lawn" crap here, which is adorable and refreshing. If you're looking to strengthen your relationship so it lasts a lifetime, or if you've got to buy a wedding present for a couple you care about, this is the book you want. Recommended for anyone who wants to succeed in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship.
March 8, 2019
Excellent read!
From choosing your mate, to how to keep the spark alive after years of marriage, this book is chock-full of valuable advice! This book is gold for people who want to know if he/she is THE ONE. However, this book is so much more! If you're already married, you can skip the parts of the first chapter that talk about choosing your mate, but please still read lessons four (You're Marrying a Family) and five (Three Warning Signs). They are still relevant. You might have figured it out already, but you will have to deal with your mate's family (like it or not) especially if/when children come into the picture. Plus, everyone should be aware of the warning signs no matter the stage they're in the relationship.
The stories from the experts or elders are just so refreshing and insightful! And yes, old people STILL have active sex lives! LOL They talk about love, loss, and even about a couple who divorced and later remarried after what seems like a lifetime to me.
I will recommend this book to every couple I know, from now on!
P.S. I LOVED the analogies he used about the deflector shield and decontamination chamber! For those who don't know what I'm talking about, these are Star Trek references. The Trekkie in me was so excited to understand what he was talking about!
P.P.S. Live long and prosper. *in a neutral, unemotional, Vulcan tone* Who am I kidding?! This book brought all the feels and even made me cry!
From choosing your mate, to how to keep the spark alive after years of marriage, this book is chock-full of valuable advice! This book is gold for people who want to know if he/she is THE ONE. However, this book is so much more! If you're already married, you can skip the parts of the first chapter that talk about choosing your mate, but please still read lessons four (You're Marrying a Family) and five (Three Warning Signs). They are still relevant. You might have figured it out already, but you will have to deal with your mate's family (like it or not) especially if/when children come into the picture. Plus, everyone should be aware of the warning signs no matter the stage they're in the relationship.
The stories from the experts or elders are just so refreshing and insightful! And yes, old people STILL have active sex lives! LOL They talk about love, loss, and even about a couple who divorced and later remarried after what seems like a lifetime to me.
I will recommend this book to every couple I know, from now on!
P.S. I LOVED the analogies he used about the deflector shield and decontamination chamber! For those who don't know what I'm talking about, these are Star Trek references. The Trekkie in me was so excited to understand what he was talking about!
P.P.S. Live long and prosper. *in a neutral, unemotional, Vulcan tone* Who am I kidding?! This book brought all the feels and even made me cry!
April 4, 2015
The author of this book talked to hundreds of long-married people over age 65 to discover their secrets for lasting love. I would recommend this book to any couple starting out, or in the difficult, busy middle years of a marriage, and even to other long-married people like myself. Most of the lessons came as no surprise to me: some of them were things that we did right all along, and others we learned the hard way! But the book was a good reminder not to take your partner or the marriage itself for granted, and of the value of a loving long-term relationship going into old age.
December 13, 2014
I received a free ARC ebook of this book through Penguins First to read program.
As someone with a degree in Counseling Psychology who originally planned to be a marriage therapist, I still enjoy reading anything that has to do with love, relationships and marriage. I really savored this book which has a lot of advice from people who have been married for long amounts of time.
As someone with a degree in Counseling Psychology who originally planned to be a marriage therapist, I still enjoy reading anything that has to do with love, relationships and marriage. I really savored this book which has a lot of advice from people who have been married for long amounts of time.
May 10, 2015
Solid no-nonsense practical advice from oldsters, and a glimpse into their lives. Listen and obey! An easy read. Read a little at a time and take it to heart.
June 17, 2021
- People don't change, compatibility is very important for marriage
- Take chances - you'll never be 100% certain. However, getting to know the person more gives you better odds
- If there are early warning signs - the gut feeling that things aren't working well, chances are they won't be
- You're not just marrying the other person, you're marrying the whole family. Make sure you're compatible with your in-laws: if you are compatible, in-laws are tremendously beneficial (more financial help, more childcare help); however, if you're not compatible, it would be a nightmare and could easily reck the entire marriage
- Marriage requires a gut feeling of attraction from both sides, in addition, similar value is extremely important, as well as many other things such as similar humor
- Sexual attention as we age: human brains are wired to deal with aging. Sex life for elders are actually "better" as what constitutes intimacy change over the years
- Listen to friends and families about the partner - chances are, they know what's going on better than you
- Talk to other older couples about your potential mate
- Take chances - you'll never be 100% certain. However, getting to know the person more gives you better odds
- If there are early warning signs - the gut feeling that things aren't working well, chances are they won't be
- You're not just marrying the other person, you're marrying the whole family. Make sure you're compatible with your in-laws: if you are compatible, in-laws are tremendously beneficial (more financial help, more childcare help); however, if you're not compatible, it would be a nightmare and could easily reck the entire marriage
- Marriage requires a gut feeling of attraction from both sides, in addition, similar value is extremely important, as well as many other things such as similar humor
- Sexual attention as we age: human brains are wired to deal with aging. Sex life for elders are actually "better" as what constitutes intimacy change over the years
- Listen to friends and families about the partner - chances are, they know what's going on better than you
- Talk to other older couples about your potential mate
June 10, 2018
Pretty much just a book of common sense but explained so simply and vividly that it's like having a wise, kind grandparent sit down and have a heart-to-heart with you. I'd like to say this book saved my relationship, but I actually finished it the day my partner broke things off with me. It did explain a lot of things we were doing wrong though, with really good examples (some of them eerily common to things we experienced) and I think it gave me a lot of insight I can use in future relationships. He's reading it now too though, so who knows, maybe even a second shot could be in the cards.
July 15, 2018
I've been taught that marriage is difficult, as already stated in the book, but I'm closely related to those who discourages me from getting married because of its challenges exceeding joy in real life and it is not worth it. The lessons and concrete examples within this book are quite enlightening, for they aid in developing compassion, understanding, and empathy for those who unintentionally contribute to the demise of their relationships (and mine as well). This is a great read for anyone considering getting into a relationship, hoping it will last, and wondering when to leave.
July 29, 2018
The author, a famous gerontologist working at Cornell University, offers us the wisdom of the oldest Americans. The book covers everything from finding a compatible life partner through growing old as a couple. This book presents a lot of good advice and our generation probably doesn't spend enough time listening to the words of experience.
August 17, 2018
This book was very encouraging. It used the experiences of long-married couples to shed light on the truths of marriage, both in victories and failures. It certainly compelled me to work on myself to better my marriage so that it continues to grow. I just wish I had thought to suggest us reading it together so we could discuss the ideas. Very cute!
September 4, 2018
I was surprised by how much I loved this book! It was easy to read, filled with quotes from “experts” (aka seniors who had been married for decades), and each chapter dealt with another point. Full of good advice, I shared excerpts with my friends and husband alike. I highly recommend this!
January 6, 2019
This gem collects and dispenses the BEST marriage advice from our elders who've done it for decades... couples who know what it takes to succeed at the greatest & hardest commitment you will every make in life. So many gems underlined... it has a permanent place on my bookshelf.
January 5, 2020
A wonderful collection of lessons/reminders on how to be a good partner from those who have lived long enough to do it. Marriage is not an easy thing, but rather something that needs to be nurtured and worked on daily. Overall, highly recommend!
January 28, 2022
An excellent read and my new favorite on love and relationships. Such wise advice from couples who are truly experts. This book would be a great gift for newly married or engaged couples, and it's a must for anyone trying to be better at love.
May 7, 2022
The author included not only his own opinions, but also those of many other Americans he interviewed, which made it a great book. This book made me want to read "30 Lessons for Living" by him as well.
January 6, 2023
" If you want to stay together happily for many years, you need to continue doing small acts to show your love.".
It is all about these small tiny details, they have the ability to connect, collect and join our pieces altogether ♥️
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It is all about these small tiny details, they have the ability to connect, collect and join our pieces altogether ♥️
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August 18, 2024
Excellent compilation of advice from elders on love, romance, and relationships.
My Review
My Review
April 13, 2025
It would appear that the advice in this book is common sense, but common sense is not common. I have been married for some time and this goes to show that you can learn something new everyday whether you want to or not.
February 12, 2020
كتاب يجب أن يُقرأ أكثر من مرة. شريك حياتك مش بس اللي هتعرفه بقلبك لا كمان هتعرفه بعقلك. مشاعرك مينفعش تلغي عقلك هما الاتنين بيكلموا بعض.
Read
September 5, 2022I liked the second half, which focused on communication.
December 21, 2022
Cute book! 30 lessons about love from the elderly.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 64 reviews