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Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do
After a break-up Little Debbies, chocolate, and the charity of friends could not console, Dr. Duana Welch had the epiphany that transformed the way she lived her love life, leading to verifiable, objective answers to her questions—and yours. The only fact-based book to take men and women from before-you-meet until you commit, Love Factually blends heart, soul--and evidence. In a genre long on opinion and short on proof, Love Factually puts all the evidence in your corner for the most important and daunting task of our lives: finding and keeping The One.
328 pages, Paperback
First published January 7, 2015
89 people are currently reading
631 people want to read
About the author
Duana Welch
8 books39 followersAbout Dr. Duana Welch & Love Factually:
Dr. Duana Welch (pronounced DWAY-nah) is the original Love Factually author and coach, known for using social science to solve real-life relationship issues. She has been a professor at universities in Florida, California, and Texas across 20 years, and has contributed to NPR, PBS, Psychology Today, and numerous other outlets, podcasts and videos. Her first book, Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do, is now out globally in five languages; its revised and updated edition released in 2022. Love Factually for Single Parents is the second book in the series, specifically geared for finding the right partner not only for readers, but their families. All Duana’s books rely on science rather than opinion to help men and women find and keep the right partner. She is an expert for Paired, the couples relationship app. Her client practice is global, via Zoom and other technologies. For more information and free content, see LoveFactually.co.
Dr. Duana Welch (pronounced DWAY-nah) is the original Love Factually author and coach, known for using social science to solve real-life relationship issues. She has been a professor at universities in Florida, California, and Texas across 20 years, and has contributed to NPR, PBS, Psychology Today, and numerous other outlets, podcasts and videos. Her first book, Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do, is now out globally in five languages; its revised and updated edition released in 2022. Love Factually for Single Parents is the second book in the series, specifically geared for finding the right partner not only for readers, but their families. All Duana’s books rely on science rather than opinion to help men and women find and keep the right partner. She is an expert for Paired, the couples relationship app. Her client practice is global, via Zoom and other technologies. For more information and free content, see LoveFactually.co.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
January 11, 2015
I found Love Factually to be empowering in the sense that it reinforces one's belief that they can and will attract a compatible mate with enough effort devoted to the task. Mainly, I realized that in order to partner with someone who puts me at my best, I'm required to do the same by helping them to be at their best in return.
In reading Love Factually I was brought to realize that what I desire in an intimate partner is a direct reflection of what I must be able to provide in return. The part that really stuck for me was that like attracts like, and everything we foresee in a preferred mate reflect the traits that we have to offer.
As I made my "list of must-halves and must not halves" in a foreseeable lover, I gained a greater appreciation of myself by noticing that the qualities I prefer in a mate are the same values and qualities I've worked hard to cultivate in myself. Love Factually endorsed that I accept myself as I am no matter how many failed attempts at love I've had in the past. There are many helpful and sound suggestions in Love Factually that speak differently to each individual, but not only is it a discovery of what you hope to find in a lover, it's also a journey of discovering who you'll be when your lasting love affair takes shows up and shape.
Eventually, I want a partner to recognize both my great qualities and my effort to improve my not so great qualities. Hence, I believe life is an ongoing process of improvement and I want a shotgun rider to accompany me in the excitement of making the most out of life's adventures. After reading Love Factually, I know where I expect my forever love to be outstanding is also where I must be outstanding to them as well.
In reading Love Factually I was brought to realize that what I desire in an intimate partner is a direct reflection of what I must be able to provide in return. The part that really stuck for me was that like attracts like, and everything we foresee in a preferred mate reflect the traits that we have to offer.
As I made my "list of must-halves and must not halves" in a foreseeable lover, I gained a greater appreciation of myself by noticing that the qualities I prefer in a mate are the same values and qualities I've worked hard to cultivate in myself. Love Factually endorsed that I accept myself as I am no matter how many failed attempts at love I've had in the past. There are many helpful and sound suggestions in Love Factually that speak differently to each individual, but not only is it a discovery of what you hope to find in a lover, it's also a journey of discovering who you'll be when your lasting love affair takes shows up and shape.
Eventually, I want a partner to recognize both my great qualities and my effort to improve my not so great qualities. Hence, I believe life is an ongoing process of improvement and I want a shotgun rider to accompany me in the excitement of making the most out of life's adventures. After reading Love Factually, I know where I expect my forever love to be outstanding is also where I must be outstanding to them as well.
January 12, 2015
I hadn't dated in almost 2 decades (since my early 20s)after my divorce and found the game had changed. I went online, catalog-style, to look for a partner. It was a wonderful way to meet lots of people but that wasn't the biggest challenge. Meeting men was easy. Having a connection *work*, however, was another story. I kept reading signals wrong and bludgeoned my way through the process quite a few times, getting attached to the wrong people and picking up the pieces of my worn shattered heart so often I nearly gave up on the process altogether. Until this book. Everything the author wrote is like the culmination of the 5 years of counseling and 20 self-help books I devoured after my divorce in one neat little package: hers was the only book I needed to read.
I really liked how the book starts with the most important aspect -- attachment style (not only is it important to find the right person but also BE the right person)-- this is far too neglected in most relationship advice but the power of attachment style should not be underestimated.
The author also explains the neurochemicals and evolutionary development underpinning our behavior in such a clear way that suddenly everything makes sense: why men who pay for dates are more successful at dating, why women who "play hard to get" are magnetic (but hint: don't PLAY hard to get, actually BE selective; reasons why this works are rooted in our biology), and every step (as promised) from finding and meeting potential partners all the way to having a successful, committed relationship.
I also really appreciated that the author included her own experiences because it gave the book a very kind and conversational tone. It can feel intimidating to read love advice because it usually comes from someone who is seen as an expert and by design, whoever is seeking advice has already failed. It's shameful to admit how many mistakes we've made, and by sharing, Duana Welch made the advice accessible and imbued so much more hope than any of the other books I read. I couldn't put it down. Thank you, thank you...
I really liked how the book starts with the most important aspect -- attachment style (not only is it important to find the right person but also BE the right person)-- this is far too neglected in most relationship advice but the power of attachment style should not be underestimated.
The author also explains the neurochemicals and evolutionary development underpinning our behavior in such a clear way that suddenly everything makes sense: why men who pay for dates are more successful at dating, why women who "play hard to get" are magnetic (but hint: don't PLAY hard to get, actually BE selective; reasons why this works are rooted in our biology), and every step (as promised) from finding and meeting potential partners all the way to having a successful, committed relationship.
I also really appreciated that the author included her own experiences because it gave the book a very kind and conversational tone. It can feel intimidating to read love advice because it usually comes from someone who is seen as an expert and by design, whoever is seeking advice has already failed. It's shameful to admit how many mistakes we've made, and by sharing, Duana Welch made the advice accessible and imbued so much more hope than any of the other books I read. I couldn't put it down. Thank you, thank you...
April 14, 2017
Confession: I bought this book even though I am already married, because I had read some of the author's articles (which were excellent), and this topic interested me. Not so much the "finding a mate" (as I am quite satisfied with mine and he is stuck with me), but rather the application of science to such a subjective endeavor. I like Duana's writing, and I wanted to like her book. I did like it. I liked it enough that I have so far purchased 3 copies. I believe the information contained herein is so very valuable that I wanted to share it with people that I love, who want and deserve to find love. Even for an old married person, it was very interesting and I experience several "ah-ha!" moments with regards to why men and women behave and REACT so differently to identical situations/events/treatment. My only complaint is that it was not published 10 years ago, when I could have helped so many of my friends and saved myself so many head-banging-against-the-wall moments!
I have recently read a few of the "less than positive" reviews of this book, each of them pretty passionate. Interestingly enough, the writers of these reviews seem to criticize some of the theories presented in the book because they believe them to be anti-feminist. The truth is, some human behavior IS sexist, and has deep biological roots. This book draws upon research and traces some of our chauvinist attitudes and archaic behavior back to our biological instincts. The author explains why this behavior persists, for example why men are motivated by jealousy and physical beauty, and I suppose this is offensive to egalitarian minded people, but it doesn't make it untrue. One of the underlying premises of the book is that neither men nor women are better/superior/more honorable, but simply driven by different in their motivations when seeking a mate. Regardless of whether you choose to act in a certain way, we are all better equipped to deal with the opposite sex when we understand their motivations.
I have recently read a few of the "less than positive" reviews of this book, each of them pretty passionate. Interestingly enough, the writers of these reviews seem to criticize some of the theories presented in the book because they believe them to be anti-feminist. The truth is, some human behavior IS sexist, and has deep biological roots. This book draws upon research and traces some of our chauvinist attitudes and archaic behavior back to our biological instincts. The author explains why this behavior persists, for example why men are motivated by jealousy and physical beauty, and I suppose this is offensive to egalitarian minded people, but it doesn't make it untrue. One of the underlying premises of the book is that neither men nor women are better/superior/more honorable, but simply driven by different in their motivations when seeking a mate. Regardless of whether you choose to act in a certain way, we are all better equipped to deal with the opposite sex when we understand their motivations.
March 17, 2015
This book is so insightful, intelligent, and warmhearted--I wish I'd had it when I was dating! Filled with accessible, personal stories as well as solid science, the book shows you not only how to look for love, but how to find it--and how to handle it when love goes away. Really a one-stop shop for singles. I was (and am) a die-hard fan of HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, which changed my life with its no-punches-pulled look at what dating should look like when you've found a healthy relationship. Welch takes that book a step further, stripping back the curtain on the mystery of love with fastidious, fact-based research, all in a voice that's fun, fond, and factual. Anyone looking to find love--and until we do, that's all of us, if we're honest--would significantly increase their chances of it by reading this book.
March 17, 2015
Beautiful, must read book. A helpful reminder of what is really important and how to keep and find someone who is important to you.
July 10, 2018
Cuốn sách này rất cần cho tất cả mọi người, bất kể chưa có người yêu, có người yêu, có chồng, đã li dị, hay không muốn có người yêu đi chăng nữa. Tại sao à? Vì học không bao giờ là thừa. Trang bị trước kiến thức, để hiểu yêu là gì, yêu sao cho đúng cách, hiểu giá trị của bản thân và điều mình muốn trong một mối quan hệ là gì, làm cách nào để đạt được điều đó, tâm lý 2 giới khi yêu, v.v. Duana Welch không viết lan man mà chia rõ ra thành 10 bước, trong từng bước tác giả dẫn dắt theo đúng lộ trình rất cẩn thận và tỉ mỉ, có những ví dụ chi tiết kể về những cặp đôi đã nhờ bà tư vấn, với vô vàn tình huống khác nhau trong tình yêu. Sau khi đọc một số sách và tìm hiểu thì mình thấy quan điểm của tác giả tương đồng với những lời khuyên cơ bản của các tác giả hay nhà tâm lý tình yêu khác. Đó là điều mình thấy khá vui và yên tâm khi gặp được cuốn sách này, trong một lần lướt fb tình cờ thấy ảnh hay hay nên lượm về :3 Càng đọc sách và tìm hiểu nhiều thì mình càng thấy là cái gì cũng cần phải học, kể cả tình yêu. Một tình yêu đẹp sẽ dẫn đến một gia đình hạnh phúc, yêu thương, tôn trọng lẫn nhau và đứa trẻ được sinh ra cũng sẽ được thừa hưởng điều đó từ cha mẹ chúng, đồng nghĩa với việc sẽ góp phần xây dựng một xã hội tốt đẹp hơn khi nhiều và nhiều hơn nữa những đứa trẻ có kiến thức, trở thành những người đàn ông biết tôn trọng phụ nữ và yêu thương gia đình. Bên cạnh đó là người phụ nữ hiểu rõ được giá trị của bản thân, biết yêu thương bản thân và cư xử đúng đắn trong tình yêu (hay kể cả khi tình yêu chưa đến). Một gia đình hạnh phúc rất quan trọng bởi vì nó sẽ bớt đi những vụ bạo hành, những cuộc li dị, những gia đình không hạnh phúc, ... và những đứa trẻ phải chứng kiến và trải qua điều đó suốt tuổi thơ và cuộc đời của chúng. Những trải nghiệm với gia đình sẽ ảnh hưởng gián tiếp và không nhỏ đến tâm lý, quan điểm và hành xử của đứa trẻ sau này. Vì thế mình nghĩ thay vì cứ để mặc mọi thứ "theo tự nhiên, theo cảm xúc" thì nên tự trang bị trước kiến thức, không chỉ về công việc mà còn về tình cảm. Tình yêu đóng một vai trò cực kỳ quan trọng đối với bản thân mỗi người cũng như thế hệ sau này và cả xã hội trong tương lai.
Đây là một trong những cuốn sách mình cực kỳ thích về lĩnh vực tâm lý, tình yêu, giúp thay đổi bản thân mình rất nhiều. Mình thực sự mong là cuốn sách này sẽ đến được với nhiều bạn đọc.
Đây là một trong những cuốn sách mình cực kỳ thích về lĩnh vực tâm lý, tình yêu, giúp thay đổi bản thân mình rất nhiều. Mình thực sự mong là cuốn sách này sẽ đến được với nhiều bạn đọc.
June 20, 2017
This is an interesting book of suggestions. Good food for thought. It would probably grate on a true feminist and I can easily see why this would result in negative reviews. I feel it encourages us to follow our past social norms, rather than create new norms but I guess in part understanding those norms leads also to change which this book also does in a comprehensive way. It's also a book that will date significantly through time as it meets only the current social problems of dating in my view. A good social science discussion of dating either way and recommended if you're single and dating for men or women.
August 21, 2015
I devoured this book pretty quickly. I got through it in about three sittings, and I'm normally a slow reader. This is an especially good book for those who haven't read many dating/relationship books before. I've read TONS of relationship books, and this distills some of the best advice into a single tome.
I particularly like that this book provides comfort and hope to those who are struggling. One of my favorite parts was towards the end, when she tells the story of her friend Bella, who despite a cancer diagnosis, persevered to find (and marry) the man of her dreams.
I also felt like I could trust her claims more than other authors because she backed much of it up with scientific facts/proof. Now I know why I automatically lost attraction to that guy who asked me to split the check on our first date. I also have a much better understanding of what playing hard-to-get means.
I particularly like that this book provides comfort and hope to those who are struggling. One of my favorite parts was towards the end, when she tells the story of her friend Bella, who despite a cancer diagnosis, persevered to find (and marry) the man of her dreams.
I also felt like I could trust her claims more than other authors because she backed much of it up with scientific facts/proof. Now I know why I automatically lost attraction to that guy who asked me to split the check on our first date. I also have a much better understanding of what playing hard-to-get means.
May 19, 2016
Heard this author on the Art of Manliness podcast and though I am happily married, I have a close family member who is struggling with dating, so I thought I would pick it up for them and ended up reading it myself. Nice quick read with many applicable takeaways. I liked how she used scientific papers to reference all her facts. It would have been nice to have a few more details about the studies but that would have probably made it less readable. I would definitely recommend this to anyone who is dating.
August 14, 2023
This book was recommended to me by a recently married friend. She said she read this book after a breakup and it completely changed the way she dated, which ultimately led to genuine love. As I read the book, I began taking the advice and steps seriously. I noticed when I strayed away from the steps and how it impacted authentic relationships. This book has really changed the way I live my love life. I now feel secure, confident, and capable. I highly recommend it to anyone at any stage in your life.
April 18, 2015
Disclaimer: I won this book
Not only is this an enjoyable read - it is an informative one as well. I am not hunting for Mr. Right but if I was - I think this book would be extremely helpful. And I passed it on to someone who is single & I hope it helps her find what she is looking for (and I have little doubt if she follows the advice that she will).
Not only is this an enjoyable read - it is an informative one as well. I am not hunting for Mr. Right but if I was - I think this book would be extremely helpful. And I passed it on to someone who is single & I hope it helps her find what she is looking for (and I have little doubt if she follows the advice that she will).
March 11, 2021
A science-based look at human mating psychology and how to leverage it so as to be clear as to what you want in a relationship, strategic and respectful in looking for it and effective in growing together as a couple. The book has countless anecdotes illustrating principles and guidelines in a practical way.
June 7, 2021
Really informative book on how to find love, I think this book is so great because its not just so dry and boring it is a fun read with with insights and solid advice! Loved the bust on Living together as a test run for marriage, noting but respect for authors/researchers who follow the research wherever it leads! Ignore the negative reviews and but this book, its worth having!
September 4, 2015
I loved this book. Who says science can't be romantic. While I only officially cited this book once or twice the book overall has had as much of an influence on my thinking on this topic as any other recent book.
July 14, 2016
A lot of information about human evolution and certain tendencies of each sex, the way we attract a partner and how to keep them. A step by step guide for relationships and mating.
The writing of the book was too girly for my taste although tolerable.
The writing of the book was too girly for my taste although tolerable.
March 7, 2019
If you are human, looking for a spouse, and understand English, read this book immediately.
My only complaints are that the advice is heavily skewed toward women and the language is too chummy. Still deserves five stars, though.
My only complaints are that the advice is heavily skewed toward women and the language is too chummy. Still deserves five stars, though.
September 29, 2020
By a woman, for women, and I loved it. Anyone frustrated with dating should at least read the first chapter. Starting with 10 myths about dating that will calm you down, she then covers excellent core relationship models such as attachment styles and love languages.
September 21, 2015
A MUST READ for anyone still dating or going back into dating.
The best dating book ever - I wish I had had this book 25 years ago - would have saved me tons of heartbreak and mind-f*ckery.
The best dating book ever - I wish I had had this book 25 years ago - would have saved me tons of heartbreak and mind-f*ckery.
December 11, 2017
Very interesting read. I don't agree with everything the author says, but she has some very, very good points.
June 4, 2018
Best scientific book on dating I've read.
July 27, 2021
Good book with detailed facts and scientific proves which is really helpful for relationships. One of the best book about love science I have ever read.
December 27, 2022
And now time for another self-help book. I’ve read a few dating/relationship books (Marry Him, and Are Men Necessary?, for instance) always with the intent (or maybe just a guise?) for humor. So here goes yet another book: Love Factually, by Duana C. Welch.
Welch brings a more scientific approach to the world of dating woes. Well, maybe not scientific per se, but just a little more fact-based than just feelings-based. And it’s interesting to read her take on this whole situation and compare it to other authors, and particularly to read about the trials she endured in her own dating history. She’s now happily married.
She talks about the importance of making a list of absolutely-required characteristics, and then those that are highly-desired but not necessary. And then when in the dating world, apply these absolutely-required characteristics to each of the (potential) dates that you meet. It can save you both a lot of headache if you don’t try to play games with yourself and say, “Oh, he doesn’t have trait X that I absolutely require, but I’ll ignore it for now and hope that he changes down the road.”
And if at some point you are dating someone, and you feel you’ve reached a point where you’re just not feeling it anymore and think the two of you should break up, just do it! Yes, it is difficult and painful, but if it’s something that needs to be done, then do it now rather than let it linger on. Because every moment you spend with someone who’s not for you is a moment you lose finding the person who is right for you. And don’t hang on to someone just because they’re the best you can get “for now”. Welch refers to these as BTNs- Better Than Nothings. If you have a BTN, you’re not freeing yourself up completely to go seek true love.
These are just a couple of the 10 proven steps Welch describes in her book, that are intended to take the reader from “I Wish” to “I Do”. And this advice applies to both women and men.
Ok, so maybe I read this book to get some pointers, and/or to try to make sure I don’t screw up things. We shall see! So if you think you might be pressed on your luck to find that special someone, give this book a read. I promise you it’s not totally sappy.
Welch brings a more scientific approach to the world of dating woes. Well, maybe not scientific per se, but just a little more fact-based than just feelings-based. And it’s interesting to read her take on this whole situation and compare it to other authors, and particularly to read about the trials she endured in her own dating history. She’s now happily married.
She talks about the importance of making a list of absolutely-required characteristics, and then those that are highly-desired but not necessary. And then when in the dating world, apply these absolutely-required characteristics to each of the (potential) dates that you meet. It can save you both a lot of headache if you don’t try to play games with yourself and say, “Oh, he doesn’t have trait X that I absolutely require, but I’ll ignore it for now and hope that he changes down the road.”
And if at some point you are dating someone, and you feel you’ve reached a point where you’re just not feeling it anymore and think the two of you should break up, just do it! Yes, it is difficult and painful, but if it’s something that needs to be done, then do it now rather than let it linger on. Because every moment you spend with someone who’s not for you is a moment you lose finding the person who is right for you. And don’t hang on to someone just because they’re the best you can get “for now”. Welch refers to these as BTNs- Better Than Nothings. If you have a BTN, you’re not freeing yourself up completely to go seek true love.
These are just a couple of the 10 proven steps Welch describes in her book, that are intended to take the reader from “I Wish” to “I Do”. And this advice applies to both women and men.
Ok, so maybe I read this book to get some pointers, and/or to try to make sure I don’t screw up things. We shall see! So if you think you might be pressed on your luck to find that special someone, give this book a read. I promise you it’s not totally sappy.
February 14, 2023
Utter heterosexist blog-level piece of crap. The advice basically boils down to “find someone who matches all your criteria and fits your attachment style, otherwise just give up”. Oh and also men and women have innately different needs and behaviors, it’s all descended from Paleolithic humans, and you can’t do anything about it. You’re much better off reading actual research on attachment theory.
December 31, 2018
Cuốn sách được người bạn giới thiệu và có lời giới thiệu cũng khá thu hút. Tuy nhiên, tôi khá là ko thích cuốn này ngay từ lúc bắt đầu đọc. Nó khô khan kiểu khoa học nhưng lại ko đủ thuyết phục. Người viết cũng kể lể nhiều và tôi ko tìm được nhiều ý tưởng mới trong đó.
December 31, 2018
Really liked this book and thought it had some keen insights, but it was very centered on the struggles of women and dating. Would have liked a little more research into the men's side of the equation.
June 17, 2018
The book got more interesting from chapter 4 onward. I especially liked the touching story about the cancer girl at the last chapter.
August 16, 2018
If you need a guide to find your true love, reading this book is one of the ways you should do.
February 21, 2019
Great Read! Really changed my ideas about dating!
September 22, 2019
I got this book from Goodreads Giveaways. I found it informative, interesting, and relatable. It was also accessible content without being simple.
November 27, 2020
Love it
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews