Safe Haven Marriage: A Marriage You Can Come Home To

by Archibald D. Hart, Sharon May PHD

Creating a safe haven for each other in a marriage can enable a couple to weather any storm. Yet that accomplishment is certainly easier said than done. Psychologists Arch Hart, Ph.D, and Sharon Hart May, Ph.D., present a detailed blueprint for establishing a marital safe haven so that couples can count on each other and avoid criticizing, blaming and shutting out their partners during tough times. Based on a new therapeutic approach that involves establishing a feeling of "safety," out of which commitment and the other necessary elements of a lasting and fulfilling relationship can grow.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships, Christian

224 pages, Paperback

First published February 4, 2003

Reviews

[Brooke · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to anyone getting married or who is married. It’s a great read and doing it with your husband or wife really makes it better. We did it for marriage counciling and it brought up wonderful points of discuss. We even now notice things in the way we communicate with each other and actively are working toward the safe haven within our marriage.

[Bess · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has the potential to enhance your marriage, It will give you a better understanding of your spouse or spouse to be.

[Glenn Harden · Rating 5 out of 5]

We live in a world where far too many marriages have two lonely partners who both long for the other to accept and love them. Hart and Morris argue that a good marriage is one in which both partners are safe to be vulnerable with the other. Nurturing this security requires knowing one's own emotions and accepting those of one's partner. The book is accessible and should be helpful to partners who wish to turn toward each other by learning how to better express their own needs and meet those of their partner. Recommended.

[Tyler Lund-Hansen · Rating 3 out of 5]

My sister and brother-in-law recommended this book. They found it incredibly insightful and helpful during their pre-marital counseling.

The authors write from a perspective of "attachment theory", which, in essence, is the psychological theory that our ways of being with one another can be characterized by different traits. There are four primary ways of "attaching" to your partner: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful. (As you might expect, one of these is desired, the others not so much...) For those who attach in less than ideal ways, the authors prescribe various tools for couples to learn to attach to their partners in a secure, safe way.

The underlying assumption of the authors is that partners want to feel safe, seen, and valued by their partners but that due to unhealthy patterns we develop earlier in life, many of us find it difficult to love (and be loved) in this way. This book is a helpful guide to teach us how to love and be loved in secure, meaningful ways.

However, I am only giving this book three stars because it is often written in a tone that is overly gender essentialist. I fear that this is harmful. I don't know if I would recommend this to other people because of this. I wouldn't want men to think that they are bound to be competitive bread-winners or for women to believe that their calling is exclusively domestic.

[Kevin Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful

Loved this book - especially the conversations around the wounding and healing cycle. Reminder that both partners bring wounds to a marriage and the spouse is responsible for handling how they respond to those wounds.

[Monique]

Used this book as a tool for mentoring a couple prior to marriage.

[Dana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a book I was supposed to read for my Practice with Families course that revolve on the way marriage should feel through a Christian perspective. Now I expected this book to be irrelevant and boring but I honestly really enjoyed it. The principles in this book don't just pertain to the relationship in marriage but to all my relationships. I recommend it to anyone that wants to know more about why people may react the way they do in certain situations and why you react the way you do in those same ones.

[Amanda R · Rating 5 out of 5]

Again, my life is about raising kids and being married. This book is great for anyone thinking about marriage or is already there. This book is a good reminder that love and pride cannot occupy the same place.

[Colleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jeff and I read this as part of our premarital work. The last chapters built upon the beginning of the book, and they produced the greatest amount of discussion and understanding. A must read for all married couples to improve the ways you connect in your marriage.

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book; isn't this what every married person really wants?!

[Karla Renee Goforth Abreu · Rating 3 out of 5]

A decent book on marriage and working at a relationship.