Heartwounds: The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships

by Tian Dayton

Trauma has been defined as an interruption of an affiliative or relationship bond. If left unsettled, past grief and psychological trauma can continue to impact our adult relationships and cause us pain in our entire lives. It's possible we may not even realize what is happening to us because usually relationships fail in parts rather than in total. Early childhood losses or traumas can create pain that is relived in adult intimate relationships. Intimacy can provide both an arena for re-enacting old pain and/or healing it. In this fascinating work, noted psychodramatist Tian Dayton shows readers how relationships can be used as a vehicle for healing, personal growth and spiritual transformation. Through fascinating case studies and probing exercises, Dayton helps readers get in touch with the deepest parts of themselves and heal the wounds that plague them.

Genres: Self Help, Counselling, Relationships

286 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 1997

About the author

Tian Dayton has a masters in educational psychology and a PhD in clinical psychology and is a board certified trainer in psychodrama, sociometry and group psychotherapy. She is a certified Montessori teacher. Dr. Dayton is the director of The New York Psychodrama Training Institute. She is a nationally renowned speaker, expert, and consultant in psychodrama, trauma and addiction, ACoAs and self help related issues. Dr, Dayton was on the faculty at NYU for eight years teaching psychodrama. Dr. Dayton is a fellow of the American Society of Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy ASGPP, winner of their scholar’s award, editor in chief of the Journal of Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy and sits on the professional standards committee. She is also the winner of The Mona Mansell Award and The Ackermann Black Awaard. Dr. Dayton has been a guest expert on NBC, CNN, MSNBC, Montel, Rikki Lake, John Walsh, Geraldo. Tian blogs for Counselor Magazine, Recovery View and The Huffington Post

From the author's website.

Reviews

[Yolande · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those life-changing books. It was recommended to me a year ago, and I've recommended it to at least ten people since. There are powerful exercises in the back of the book which I need to continue doing -- the person who recommended it to me said they were the highlight of the book for her, and I can see how they would be incredibly helpful when you're sorting through painful, stagnant emotions. Ex. Write a letter you never send to someone who has hurt you. Write a letter from that same person back to you, saying what you need them to say. I've seen the first part of that exercise before in other self-help books, but not the second. I can easily see how this could, say, help you to move on from and forgive someone who has hurt you but is unable or unwilling to recognize and apologize for whatever reason. You can give that forgiveness to yourself, an incredible gift.

The rest of the book is brilliant, as well. It explains how, when you experience trauma, you emotionally "freeze" at whatever age you were, and then, when you are "triggered" as an adult, you revert back to that age and respond from there. It also explains how our culture has intricate rituals for expressing grief when someone dies, but not for other forms of modern grief, such as from divorce. The author, a psychologist, explains that in all areas of recovery from trauma and grief, we have to fully "step in" and feel the overwhelming emotions, so that we can then let go and move on. To not do that is to emotionally freeze yourself in grief, which will come back up whenever you're triggered until you face it head-on. Those are just two of the incredible insights I learned from this book. I highly, highly recommend it to everyone. I've also been picking up other books by Tian Dayton, and they are all top-notch and incredibly helpful for anyone on a journey of healing.

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

My favorite quote from the book: "Healing is a series of quiet awakenings, born of the willingness to struggle to have a true and honest encounter with the self."

Some very insightful and helpful discussions on how trauma in childhood can affect people as adults. The book makes me want to work with the author as a therapist because the work she details in the book sounds very healing. I haven't done all the exercises at the end of the book, but they seem like they would help with self-awareness and reframing traumas and issues to move to a better place in a person's life.

[Molly Holt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not to be dramatic, but this may be the best psychology/ trauma healing book I’ve ever read.

[Natalie Drozda · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a mental health professional, this was an easy and quick read. I could see myself assignment sections of this book to clients as well as the exercises in the back because it breaks down trauma in an easy to understand way, using simple language.

I also appreciated the brief sections about dissociation. Any recommendations for full books about it?

"Another common childhood defense mechanism is dissociation. Jeff, a member of our thearpy group represented in this book, learned to dissociate from the emotional pain he felt at being ignored and verbally abused by his father. As a smal boy he sat wide-eyed and motionless through his father's drunken verbal lashings. When the pain of his father's disgust became too great, he took the only route available to him as a child who was not allowed to talk back or run away: He ran away inside of himself by disappearing into a world of daydreams and fantasies; he dissociated. As an adult, he still dissociates when he feels emotional pain. It has become such a habit of mind that he now has trouble even identifying what he is feeling and putting it into words. This keeps him from being able to communicate his needs to another person so that they can be known and talked over" (42-43).

The inclusion of trauma activating intense connections to others, the dance of being unable to find a healthy balance of connection and separateness, as well as picking fights to feel emotionally connected I think are critical to understanding how trauma not only affects the self/thoughts, but relationships.

[Danny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful game changer. I began this book for me and quickly saw so many people in my life. Many friends walking around with traumas that turn into explosive outbursts- and everyone wondering why. This book is like holding a mirror and inviting you to look in; not demanding. I wish everyone had the courage to deal with their pain, as it only " grows your soul" and tolerance. <3

[Dominica Applegate · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read this book twice. It's remarkable.