But... You're a Horse

by David Bussell

As featured in The Guardian, The Telegraph, and on Comedy Central. From internet mischief-maker David Bussell comes, But... You’re a Horse, a collection of pranks, anecdotes and gags that have nothing whatsoever to do with the cover of the book containing them. David Bussell's work has also been featured on The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, B3TA, Digital Spy, and (quite without his permission), The Daily Mail. Things people have said about David “Hilarious.” Graham Linehan (Father Ted, The IT Crowd). “Really good.” Shane Allen (BBC Controller of Comedy Commissioning). “Ha!” Sam Bain (Peep Show, Fresh Meat).

Genres: Romance

74 pages, ebook

First published February 1, 2014

About the author

​David Bussell is a best-selling British author renowned for his contributions to the urban fantasy genre. He is the co-creator of the Uncanny Kingdom, a series that explores a secret Britain teeming with paranormal suspense stories. His notable works include the "Spectral Detective" series. David's writing prowess has been recognized with the P.G. Wodehouse New Comic Writer Award. Beyond his literary achievements, he is an avid fencer, a lover of synthwave music, and a committed comic book fan.

Reviews

[Felix (Helen 2.0) · Rating 3 out of 5]

He stood upright, broad-chested, with perfectly brushed chestnut fur that gleamed under his open leather jacket. His jeans clung to his absurdly muscled thighs. He had hooves for feet but—unmistakably—hands for hands.

Friends. We’re back at it again.

But… You’re a Horse follows Clara, a romance novel editor on a roadtrip. She hits a horse with her Prius, or at least… what she believes to be a horse. Turns out, his name is Stallionaire McAllister, and he’s half-horse, half-man, all love (with respectful boundaries). A kind of remixed centaur, if you will.

She moves into his pony therapy barn immediately, for some reason, and so Clara and Stal’s love story begins. Stal’s curse can only be broken with true love, but Clara has romantic scars of her own to overcome before she’s ready to give her heart to this flannel-and-denim-clad equine stud.

Is Jon Bon Pony a modern genius of satire? No. But occasionally his lines hit.

Her name was Rowan. Hair like raven feathers, voice like a flute section that hadn’t warmed up properly.

The pregnant pause stretched to its third trimester.

Then there’s lines like these, which make me seriously question my decision to read for entertainment.

You could cut the sexual tension in this barn with a knife, and the knife would come back blunt.

“I want real love. The kind that makes you feel like your heart grew opposable thumbs and learned to clap.”

Read at your own risk, but I will say, there’s no interspecies smut in this novella, so the trigger potential is pretty limited.

[Kristina]

On this episode of ‘What’s Going On With That Cover?’

This cover brings new meaning to the phrase ‘he was a stallion in the bedchamber’. 🤭 🐴 Naaaay

[Dean Howell · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was expecting interspecial relations and what O got were a handful of bad jokes...

[Urtė Caspo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Had the best laugh of my life, thank you very much!!!

[OBERON · Rating 1 out of 5]

man tries to dunk on romance books and ends up writing a book abt fuckin a horse. you sure showed them bub

[Bookteafull (Danny) · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am ashamed that I somewhat enjoyed this.



Favorite Sections:
Knick Knock Hijack
Tragic Google Searches (goddamn that first one)
Choose Your Own Adventure
Credits

[Chelo Grubb · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nay.

[martha]

remind me not to interact with facebook moms ever again

[Morgaine Post · Rating 1 out of 5]

Read all the way thru and nothing about a woman and a horse. The best skit was the video store reminders to bring in their late movies those were clever. Quick book to read.

[Angie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Had to DNF. This is really not the type of books I enjoy. Also what’s up with the title and the cover? 😭 I mean, it’s attention grabbing, sure, but I genuinely do not understand the thought process here.

[Emily Savalox · Rating 2 out of 5]

I saw this in a meme and thought to myself “ok be for real what is this” turns out it is a book with dumb jokes and boomer-humor. Funny cover though.

[Madi Mertz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eh, just not really my sense of humor.
And some of the jokes are very British, and clearly written 8 years ago, so didn’t really hit home for me.

[MRS G · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awfully good... & Awfully bad 😆

I literally belly laughed out loud & had shoulder shaking moments at parts of this book - as I found it sooooo funny!

But some of it's pants!

I'm glad I read it, as David Bussell went onto co-create The Uncanny Kingdom books. So it's interesting to see where some of his creative writing juices started. (Thankfully the only way was UP! - tee hee!)

[Dottie · Rating 2 out of 5]

After getting this as a birthday gift from my sister-in-law, I was relieved to find that the premise of the book had nothing to do with the cover. This is a memoir of practical jokes and puns. Some are roll on the floor laugh worthy, others are a bit crass and offensive. For the most part it's a hit or miss book.

[floralbookay · Rating 3 out of 5]

My feelings are solidly mixed. I had literally no expectations, so the fact that there were sections that managed to amused me was great. Some bits were genuinely boring though (Mad Men), and others were just too British for my American sensibilities 🤷🏽‍♀️ Decent but not great.

[Hayley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eh, it was fine. Some of the jokes feel very dated and fell flat for me. However, I did have a good chuckle at some of them (I love the Knock Knock Hijacks). It was fine. I am slightly sad it wasn't actually a parody bodice-ripper though.

[Sofie Tamsin · Rating 1 out of 5]

Upsetting and unfunny

[G. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Weird. Entertaining. Would not read again.

In a post-Quan Millz haze, an unironic reading suggestion was proposed in book club. My two best friends and I agreed to read David Bussell's But... You're a Horse. After having read This Hoe Got Roaches in her Crib (Millz), I figured why not? We all agreed to forego a genre palette cleanse and dive head first into fantasy land.

Part of me is glad we followed through on the selection. Another part of me screamed, Why in the world did you propose this "book"?

Well, it gets 3/5 stars 🌟 The story is well-written, entertaining, and down right weird, which can be enjoyable in the right context. My brain simply couldn't align with a woman falling in love with and ultimately marrying a literal Sagittarius.

[Delijha · Rating 1 out of 5]

Despite the fact that it was horribly written, with the absolute worst similes known to man, the story itself, was boring. Like if you're going to do something outrageous, the characters can't know it's outrageous. They have to believe the story is real as they're the ones living it. That's why other stories with outrageous partners like dinosaurs or Tetris blocks work (as much as they could) because the characters weren't aware of how silly it was.

[Holly · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm not going to lie. This book had nothing to do with a woman and a horse, in any sort of relationship, and I'm very disappointed. Instead I was faced with terrible, outdated jokes that made me uncomfortable at times. I never thought I would want horse smut more than than I did while reading this absolute chaotic collection of jokes. If I could give 0 stars I would.

[Gabz · Rating 1 out of 5]

Genuinely offensive as a romance reader. There's parody, and then there's being dismissive of your readers and fairly openly taking a tone that implies they're thirsty idiots, desperate for a dose of bestiality. Thanks, but no. 

I hate that stuff like this is out there, so openly shitting on people's little pleasures. 

[Tia Fanning · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s okay!

Truthfully, I gave it an extra two stars just because I love the cover so much. (lol) The comedy inside was fine, but not for me. However, I think my husband would love it!

[PaperCut Mistress · Rating 3 out of 5]

I judged the book by it's cover and thought it was a romance parody with a horse. It is not. British humor, nit my cup of tea but alright.

[Abstract Reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wild!

Hilarious, well written and full of clever witty jokes that made me giggle! Short but to the point!

Dan Calley’s narration was a treat as always!

[Grapie Deltaco · Rating 5 out of 5]

literary excellence

[Elaina · Rating 2 out of 5]

All they did was kiss. Wtf.

[Amber Carlson · Rating 1 out of 5]

First thoughts were that is was a terrible book, which it is. But upon learning the back story of Jon Bon Pony this is hilarious

[Bekah · Rating 1 out of 5]

"Now we ride"

Jon Bon Pony, what a man you are. The last sentence really tied the story together and left me wanting more.

[Kenzie Wages-Ragland · Rating 5 out of 5]

wow

[Alisha Pape · Rating 5 out of 5]

10/10
I am telling everyone I know with a sense of humor to read it. Audiobook might be key. Money well spent!