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First published March 17, 2026
My self, such as it is - Caucasian and possibly male, as Justine surmised - has come to feel arbitrary, which is not to say optional. Only that I would just as soon be black bag than whatever my self is. As black bag I move carefully, I notice everything, welcome the consternation and enmity of others, and feel alive. Cars honk, cyclists wobble, people get out of my way. If I do nothing other than walk in a straight line for half an hour, double back on myself and go home I feel a profound sense of purpose, I question nothing, my mind is set. What am I without black bag? Without black bag I am some pitiful and unremarkable man going around, doing things. Shameful. The thought of rewriting the last few weeks or months of my life without black bag fills me with a wincing, vertiginous horror.
Have you ever met a man who got exactly what he wanted? They always seem a little confused, even shell-shocked, They speak at one remove, as if delivering their own eulogy.
I wish to be alive, to continue to live, even should that mean a state of constant deferral. How much do you want to appear in other people's thoughts at all? As little as possible, I think. If I could, I would take everything I have ever thought about anyone else and delete it forever.