Shameful Silence: What You Don't Know About Domestic Violence

by Alexandra Lozano

Society has a blind spot―and one in three men are paying the price.

Millions of men experience domestic abuse. Yet their suffering is routinely dismissed, minimized, or outright denied. Trapped by shame, stigma, and cultural myths about masculinity, they endure abuse in silence. Often, they lack the language to describe their experiences and face systems unwilling to protect them.

In Shameful Silence, human rights attorney Alexandra Lozano exposes the hidden epidemic of male domestic abuse. With unflinching honesty, legal precision, and deep compassion, Lozano draws on seventeen years of frontline experience to advocate for vulnerable individuals in complex legal systems. She reveals a vital truth few abuse can devastate without leaving bruises.

Through survivor accounts and rigorous research, this book reveals sophisticated, often invisible tactics used against men, including gaslighting, financial control, parental alienation, false allegations, and using custody battles and immigration status as weapons. These abuses leave no visible scars yet dismantle identity, isolate victims, and destroy lives.

Blending legal insight, psychological research, and deeply human storytelling, Shameful Silence challenges entrenched stereotypes about victimhood and masculinity. Lozano reframes strength not as silence but as truth. She offers listeners clarity and validation that so many male survivors have never received.

240 pages, Hardcover

Published June 2, 2026

Reviews

[crypt]

Okay. Hi. Let’s get some things out of the way before we get to the review. While reading this book, about 25% of the way through, I checked its reviews on Goodreads and saw a user mention the AI disclaimer included on the copyright page. A big red flag, but I continued reading anyway, keeping in mind that AI is not infallible and, if generative AI was used to write this book even partially, that what I was reading could contain inaccurate information. By this point I had already read a few of the stories of abuse and, freshly informed of the use of AI, I found myself questioning the legitimacy of those stories as well (and no, it is not lost on me that I was skeptical of these accounts in a book about how men are oftentimes not believed when they come forward about the domestic violence they have faced). But, as I quoted above, the blurb says Lozano draws on “powerful true stories from her practice,” and I gave her and this book the benefit of the doubt as I found her introduction to be earnest and even passionate. I finished the book, I wrote the review, I edited/proofread the review and got it ready to post, and then I decided to look Lozano up.

As it turns out, she had been accused of fraud, resigned from the Washington State bar in May in lieu of discipline, and announced the closing of her law practice in June. According to an Associated Press report , she allegedly “created fake stories of domestic abuse and human trafficking to apply for humanitarian visas without her clients’ knowledge.” One of her former employees claimed “Alexandra was telling us to please invent more information about the abuse because it is not real abuse” and that “There were a lot of cases that were not true.”

Now, this doesn’t prove that the stories in Shameful Silence were fabricated, nor does it prove they were written by generative AI. But I do find it noteworthy that Lozano was facing these serious allegations in the midst of her IPV-focused book’s publication. (According to Goodreads, the ebook released on May 19 and the hardcover released on June 2.)

Had I known about these allegations before picking up this book, would I have given it the benefit of the doubt? Would I have picked it up at all? Maybe not. But I did, and I reviewed it, so here you go. Please note that I discovered all of this after having read the book and written the review. My review of the book is based solely on its contents and was not influenced by any of the news I have mentioned here regarding the fraud allegations against Lozano.

My Review:
It is noted within the obligatory “Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty” information located on the copyright page that “Certain AI systems have been used in the creation of this work.” First and foremost, I appreciate the transparency. I don’t want authors to turn to AI, but if they do I hope they are responsible and note its use, especially when it comes to nonfiction titles.

Now, it does not specify what the AI systems were used for. Writing? Researching and sourcing information? Further clarification on how it was used in the creation of this book would have been appreciated. Lacking any definite answers, I navigated this book keeping in mind that the text could have been written by AI, and felt the need to fact check and investigate sources when I could.* And I hate that! I don’t want to be wary of every bit of information I read. Using AI and not specifying how or on what parts of the book does it no favors; it only makes me question its factualness. It doesn’t matter if the book has undergone review, as is also mentioned on the copyright page. If AI is involved, I have to be skeptical.

But let’s put that aside and talk about the book’s contents, which I largely agree with. I do think we as a society still hang on to certain expectations when it comes to men and masculinity. This book lays out the “myths” about masculinity and encourages readers to change their perceptions of what it means to be a man. Lozano also explains roadblocks that men may encounter when attempting to reach out for help or escape their abuser, such as skepticism, false accusations from the abuser (as a means of manipulation or further psychological abuse), or simply not knowing where to turn as much of the media we have about domestic violence focuses on women as victims, not men. Lozano also ends the book with steps to take going forward to become a more accepting society to men who experience IPV.

This book acknowledges that women are more commonly victims of intimate partner violence (as far as research can tell us - Lozano also makes it clear funding for research into IPV against men is hard to secure, and therefore the statistics we have to represent male DV victims may not be completely accurate) and makes it clear from the start that in no way does acknowledging that men also experience IPV detract from women’s experiences. When it comes to members of the LGBTQ+ community, this book acknowledges that IPV exists within queer relationships and briefly delves into the ways domestic violence within queer couples is perceived by outsiders and law enforcement. I do wish Lozano included more research on same-sex/queer couples. I feel there was more that could have been discussed in regards to the biases against trans identities and non-hetero sexualities and how those biases further complicate a queer person’s search for domestic violence resources.

As for the writing, I found this book to be very repetitive. This is already a slim volume, but I honestly believe it could have been even shorter. And for as slim as it is, I slogged through this book. The same points are brought up over and over, and it was very easy to zone out, at which point I had to go back and reread paragraphs to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. When I came upon new ideas I perked up and became invested again (such as with Lozano’s wondering if society is biased in regards to IPV against those who identify as men or against those who society perceives as masculine, which was an intriguing angle to look at). But for the most part, this book cycles through the same points. It really just keeps paraphrasing itself, sometimes within just a few lines of each other. Take for instance this brief excerpt:

“So denial becomes a defense mechanism to protect their self-esteem and mental well-being. Silence, shame, and denial are closely connected in the dynamics of abusive relationships. Shame, particularly in men, can lead to a deep-seated denial - with others but also in their acknowledgement to themselves. This denial is a defense mechanism. It acts to guard their self-esteem and mental well-being against abuse.” (Pg. 83)

It’s also worth pointing out that there is no “works cited” section in this book, though this is not to say there are no sources included. Lozano provides links via footnotes to identify some sources (occasionally these footnotes will be properly formatted to include authors, article titles, etc, but mostly they are just URLs) and directly states her other sources within the writing. Lozano also includes a short list of books in the back matter that she “leaned on” while researching male domestic abuse.

Perhaps this is just a me-thing, but in my experience most all nonfiction books include a complete and properly formatted list of sources and the lack of one feels unprofessional. I suppose it’s not strictly necessary if the source material is directly identified in the text, though there were times when I was unclear of the source, such as when Lozano brought up a study about the more masculine-presenting man or woman in same-sex relationships oftentimes being the ones arrested during domestic violence calls. I feel the inclusion of a full list of sources would have clarified any confusion I had about the origin of the information being presented and would have lended this book some extra legitimacy, especially with the mention of AI being involved in some capacity in this book’s creation.

In the end, I decided on a 2/5 rating for this book. It’s not well written. I found it tedious and in need of revision. The AI disclaimer had me constantly second guessing if what I was reading was factual. But I do think this book still has its merits when it comes to educating readers about IPV where men are the victims. At the very least, I believe it will push readers to confront their bias and reevaluate their perception of masculinity and what IPV looks like. I wouldn’t personally recommend it, but someone who needs it would still find it useful.

*Note: Of course, it never hurts to fact check what you read, but I consider it to be exponentially more important whenever AI is in the mix. AI is not infallible.

[Literary Titan]

In Shameful Silence, author Alexandra Lozano argues that domestic violence against men remains painfully underrecognized, not because it’s rare or simple, but because shame, masculinity, immigration fears, legal systems, and public narratives often make it nearly unspeakable. Drawing on survivor stories, research, and her experience as an immigration attorney, Lozano widens the frame beyond physical violence to include emotional abuse, financial control, administrative abuse, false allegations, parental alienation, and the quiet devastation of men who don’t fit our cultural image of a victim.

Lozano writes with a lawyer’s urgency, but her best passages feel less like argument than witness. Miguel’s story, with the police lights outside his Burien apartment after he called for help against Guadalupe, is haunting because it turns on disbelief as much as violence. The threats of deportation, the deleted contacts, the children asleep in the next room, all of it gathers into a portrait of a man trapped by love, fear, obligation, and invisibility. Tristan’s story affected me even more. His slow erosion, taking extra jobs while being gaslit into apologizing for things he never said, captures emotional abuse as a weather system, something that changes the air until a person forgets what breathing normally feels like.

I also admired the book’s willingness to enter uncomfortable rooms without pretending they’re tidy. Lozano is careful to say that focusing on male victims doesn’t diminish the reality of violence against women, and I think that distinction matters. The strongest idea in the book is that compassion isn’t a scarce resource. I found myself wanting more exploration of the policy-heavy sections, especially around false allegations, family court, and systemic bias. Those chapters are provocative and necessary, and the arguments move fast. The writing is at its most powerful when it slows down, as it does with Bernie Fitte’s 31-year marriage, his isolation, the debt, the way escape arrives not as one cinematic revelation but as a cumulative, aching clarity.

By the end, I felt that Shameful Silence is not only a book about male victims of domestic violence, but a plea for a more honest moral imagination. It asks readers to look past the familiar scripts and recognize suffering even when it arrives in a body we haven’t been taught to pity. I’d recommend it to readers interested in domestic violence, trauma, law, gender, immigration, and family systems, as well as advocates and professionals who want to think more expansively about who needs help and why they might not ask for it. This is a difficult, compassionate, and deeply necessary book.

[Kate]

On its face, this book is a much needed addition to the discussion of domestic violence. It focuses on male victims of IPV, especially on the lack of interest in men's experiences. Many people may not even believe it's a real thing.

Disappointment set in when I read the copyright page, where it is stated "Certain AI systems have been used in the creation of this work." I would like to know what systems and in what capacity they were used. Was it just to track down works for citation? Did the author use it to do any of the writing?

The footnotes in the book are almost entirely from websites, which is not bad in itself, but maybe finding original studies and physical materials would have been a good idea. Most of the cited websites are government ones, which are usually a safe bet, but with the current administration removing information, how can we be sure?

At the back of the book, the author gives a list of resources and some of her suggested books, which is very helpful. Her epilogue offers suggestions for how to change the way society looks at male victims of IPV, which is refreshing. So many books tell us all about an issue, but then don't have any solutions.

A lot of this book comes down to men being ashamed, embarrassed, afraid they won't be believed, etc. There's also a focus on the fact that groups that help women victims of IPV get most (nearly all, I'm sure) of the funding. I think those feelings of shame, embarrassment, and fear of being believed are universal, regardless of gender. And funding is always going to be scarce.

I found it interesting that the relationships in this book were heterosexual. I can't believe the author didn't find a single same-sex couple in this situation. She does mention the LGBTQIA community, but has no specific tale to tell. It made things feel much more women vs. men, instead of victim vs. perpetrator.

Last criticism: the author is an immigration lawyer. I'm glad she recognized many of her clients were victims of IPV and needed resources, but the lack of a mental health professional's insight bothered me.

Bottom line - People need to be aware of intimate partner violence, regardless of the gender of the victim. Men have to be as brave as the women who come forward. This could have been a good article.

[Martyn Beeny]

Shameful Silence is a powerful and eye opening book that shines a light on an often overlooked aspect of domestic violence. Alexandra Lozano approaches a difficult subject with compassion, thoughtful research, and professional insight, encouraging readers to look beyond common assumptions about abuse and victimhood.

The combination of survivor stories, legal expertise, and psychological perspectives makes this an informative and impactful read. Rather than diminishing anyone else's experiences, the book broadens the conversation and highlights the importance of recognizing and supporting all victims of abuse. It's a courageous, thought provoking work that deserves to be widely read and discussed.

[Katy Lovejoy]

Eye opening