Holy Disobedience: Sex, Sin, and Secrets in the Biggest Church No One Knows

by Melissa Spiers

“Holy Disobedience is a visceral portrayal of a daughter’s quest for the dark truth beneath the religious veneer of forced beauty and familial cover-ups. Spiers’s writing is propulsive and intelligent.” —Tia Levings, author of the New York Times bestselling A Well-Trained Wife

Holy Disobedience is a gripping, unflinching story by Melissa Duge Spiers about growing up in the shadow of control, silence, and secrets within the strict, fundamentalist Seventh-day Adventist Church. When Melissa learns that her father, a respected pastor, was a serial child predator shielded by the church, her world implodes. But this revelation is only the beginning.

From being beaten for resisting a childhood home perm to seducing a forbidden public-school athlete to reclaim her autonomy, Melissa’s early years were shaped by repression, shame, and indoctrination. Her escape from high-control religion launched her into a life of Wall Street jobs, New York nightclubs, Hollywood hookups, and a series of abusive relationships. And yet, in these extremes, she was searching. Through self-reflection and finding her voice, and through an unexpected friendship with her father's first victim, Melissa slowly reconstructs the self she was never allowed to know.

Holy Disobedience is not just a survivor’s tale. It’s a story of fierce honesty, radical freedom, and the beautiful mess of becoming whole.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Religion

261 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 31, 2026

Reviews

[Jaklin Lindberg · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had the opportunity to read an ARC of Holy Disobedience: Sex, Sin, and Secrets in the Biggest Church No One Knows by Melissa Duge Spiers. Her story struck a deep chord with me. While my family was not Seventh-day Adventist (SDA), I joined the church at 13, seeking refuge from my own abusive home, a situation that mirrored Melissa's, except for the religious context. My stepfather grappled with his own unresolved trauma, alcoholism, and control issues stemming from his military service.

The SDA church and my stepfather exercised control in strikingly similar ways. In my home, wearing makeup was condemned as a moral failing. The expectation was that women should focus on cooking, cleaning, and caring for men, reinforcing limiting gender roles that I have spent my adulthood dismantling. In short: Fuck the patriarchy.

At thirteen, I was so desperate to escape the volatility of my home that I saw the church's structure as my only lifeline. In eighth grade, I worked tirelessly to gain admission to an SDA boarding school, viewing it as my only viable exit strategy from my stepfather's control. All he needed to do was sign a form and contribute $50 a month, but he refused. His rejection wasn't really about the money; it was a final, petty exercise of power that forced me to remain trapped in the very environment I was trying to flee.

Tragically, being forced to stay made me even more vulnerable. It was in the wake of that rejection, while I was at my most isolated, that the environment of the church community shifted from a perceived refuge to a place of exploitation. The church, like my home, became a setting where those in positions of trust took advantage of that very isolation. When such troubling situations were known, the community's response was too often to shame those affected rather than hold perpetrators accountable, a systemic failure that mirrored the silence and control I faced at home.

"Playing catch-up as an adult is tiring and time-consuming. Things other people absorbed casually throughout a normal life, I have to seek out and study, like an academic."

I felt like I was living under a rock; my world was confined to school, church, and home. Starting my deconstruction at 24 meant I had to "study" how to be a person in the real world. For me, that meant unlearning the patriarchy and finding my voice as a liberal woman. It meant moving from a culture of exclusion to becoming an active ally for the LGBTQIA+ community.

Even my kitchen became a classroom for deconstruction. After years of dietary restrictions and the culinary trauma of Special K Loaf, a grey, spongy, cottage-cheese-laden offense to God and man that honestly should be banned globally, I had to reclaim my palate. I had to learn how to cook with bold spices, vibrant seasonings, and real flavor. Eventually, I reintroduced meat into my life (though I still skip pork), finally moving away from a life defined by what I wasn't allowed to eat and into one of abundance.

Melissa's book also addresses the conflicted feelings about sexuality that I still experience. Even after 15 years of marriage to a loving, supportive husband, I find it difficult to communicate my needs without feeling a shadow of shame. Melissa's courage in sharing her truth underscores the importance of these open conversations.

For anyone who has felt the exhaustion of "studying" how to be a person in the real world, this book is a vital companion. It is a reminder that we are not alone in our journey toward a life filled with flavor, autonomy, and truth.

[Charli Hayes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review of advance copy received from Author


Holy moly, Melissa wrote a beautiful and inspiring memoir. As a Ex-Adventist, I found myself constantly underlining and highlighting in nearly every page. I related and found my own experiences scattered throughout the book. Melissa's humor shined through the pages constantly. One moment I was tearing up and the next I was giggling. I am proud to call Melissa my chosen big sister and so honored to have gotten to read Holy Disobedience. Melissa, I am incredibly proud of you for being so open and vulnerable in so many ways throughout your memoir.

[Alpha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished this book and as someone who was born and raised in the SDA cult, I could relate to a lot of her experiences.

The strict rules, the expectation to be perfect "as Christ is perfect" were drilled into us as children.
All those restrictions related to how we dress, what we eat, who to date, how we should date were all taught at a young age. We were expected to follow these rules. Meanwhile the adults or the ones in high positions get away with a lot.

I admire Melissa for being so brave to write about her experiences.
I hope her story brings awareness to what is really happening in the SDA church.

Everyone should read this book, especially ex-SDAs and current SDAs.

[hazbin_nuggets · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who is also an ex-sda, I have to send many virtual hugs to Melissa because I completely understand her struggles, rage, frustration, confusion, sadness, etc.

I am so proud of her that her memoir is finally released. I've been anticipating it for so long since I've heard her talking about publishing it online. She has so much courage and strength to give us an unfiltered, raw view of her experience because I know so many of us have gone through the same thing.

There were times it felt like I was reading my own thoughts in the book because some of my experiences are similar to her's (mainly pertaining to her childhood/adolescence).

I completely understand you Melissa Spiers, and I'm so sorry for everything you had to go through.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to be seen and heard of the abuse from a highly controlled religious environment.

[Nina Kentsis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a powerful story about growing up in church that I’d heard of, but wasn’t very familiar with. I’ve read other books about fundamentalist religions and how they control their members (hint: it’s usually with restrictions around sex). This was hard to read as the author makes the same mistakes repeatedly—you want to yell at her a little, like her divorce lawyer does—but by the end of the book, she has come to recognize these patterns in herself and forgive herself and, as much as she can, her family.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got this and read it solely because i knew Melissa in college. (She dated my best friend briefly and worked at the student tv station with us.) I wasn’t expecting much from a memoir and from a tiny press, but I was blown away. Her prose and sense of storytelling were great. I’ve read about the Mormon church and Scientology, but I never knew anything about the SDA. Melissa’s memoir wasn’t just some kind of excoriation of the SDA, it was the story of her messy journey to adulthood, accepting her family, and learning to be introspective and self-healing.

[Veronica Vanni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Melissa's memoir is engaging and enthralling! She is an amazingly talented writer who impacts us with a 'voice' strongly exemplified in her word choice, offering lushly detailed descriptions and tumultuously visceral feelings, bringing her existence to life. The basis of her story is being raised in the Seventh-Day Adventist church and the harm and abuse that she endured, which was seen as normal until she realized otherwise, her release into adulthood free of the SDA shackles, or so she thought and her perspective on relationships and life, along with horrifyingly culpable men. Too many harrowing situations ensued and midway, finding out that her father was a sexual predator within the church when she was born is a stop you dead in your tracks realization. Deep breaths, right? I truly enjoyed the assorted emotions I experienced while reading Melissa’s memoir - smirking along with the author through select passages, heartily laughing in others, terrified and curled up in a ball under a blanket with eyes still glued to the page, and certainly exuberant cheers, but also a lot of yelling at the author as if in a horror movie.
Cheers and a resounding yes that Melissa has come out the right side of life, defiantly standing, still doing the work and now, helping others who find themselves in similar situations.
My thoughts on the ups and downs of Melissa's memoir have given me pause to reflect upon myself and my own lived experience and if I arrive similarly from the reality of being a woman in a patriarchal world where everything seems rigged against my individuality, my freedom and equality. I recommend Holy Disobedience wholeheartedly. The SDA Church needs to be exposed and held accountable. I hope Melissa is the unraveling of them.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I never really knew much about Seventh Day Adventists except for the paper they used to hand out called "The Watchtower." Melissa Spiers was raised in a very strict Seventh Day Adventist home where girls are to be pleasing at all times and should make themselves lovely and thin for the men in their lives. Melissa adored her father, but her mother sounds like a whacko. Melissa had a sister as well who was subjected to awful abuse. Melissa decides at a fairly early age that something is wrong and resents the abuse especially from her mother. She is determined to lose her virginity as soon as possible. As soon as she is able to escape her home, she leaves and never looks back. Her mission is to expose this "religious group" for what they are - an abusive cult especially for women. She describes how little she knew about the real world when she became an adult. She had no references to culture as movies, music, dancing, and so much more were all prohibited. This church aims to isolate girls and women and keep them in their like communities. Melissa grew up in Berrien Springs, MI and went to a Seventh Day Adventist Academy there. That area of Michigan is where the largest congregation is located. The spread is world-wide, however. What really blew the author's mind was when she found out her father was convicted of child sexual assault and then was hired as a preacher even after the conviction! Interesting book if you are interested in cults and oddball religions.

I listened to this book on Audible, and it was narrated by the author. I like listening to books that are read by the author as you get to hear more than the words. The emotions come through when you are at the heart of the story and baring your own soul.

[Deborah Godt · Rating 5 out of 5]

CANCEL ALL APPOINTMENTS BEFORE YOU START THIS BOOK!
Anyone who has been in and escaped "high-control" anything will be thoroughly captivated by Melissa Duge Spiers story. Having grown up Seventh-day Adventist myself and having escaped the cult, this book had me laughing, crying and journaling, sometimes all at the same time. But this book goes far beyond the ex-religious space. It is a LITERARY MASTERPIECE. Written by someone who holds a coveted Barnard diploma and has traversed the landscape of religion, clergy sexual abuse, politics, Hollywood, beauty, sex, power and money, this story won't let you go. This is not a rage-filled, angry diatribe against a Church or parents. Rather, it is an honest look at what happens within an individual's psychological journey and any system that wants to control you and how one courageous woman escaped. It is a love song and road map for all who want agency over their bodies, minds and souls. Powerful, hopeful, explosive, honest, raw and very, very brave...I couldn't put it down.

[Gayleywayley · Rating 5 out of 5]

At first glance, I expected this book to be about religious trauma and "breaking up" with The Seventh Day Adventist church. Yet it is so much more. Child abuse, repression, cult-like religion, patriarchy, pastor-as-pedophile/predator, abusive relationships ... the list goes on.

We learn how the author's ultra-religious SDA upbringing shaped her as a child. Her parents are both devout, having been raised in the faith. Her mom sexualizes her from a very young age and controls every facet of her life with physical and mental abuse. (SDA founder, Ellen White, had very patriarchal beliefs about The Woman's Role, which is how women in the SDA faith are still raised today.) Her father, a renowned and well-loved SDA pastor, was a serial pedophile, grooming young girls from his position of power. She grew up knowing that her mom wanted to control her, but she discovers the truth about her beloved father as a young woman. Strangely, she ends up friends with one of her father's victims!

After an abusive, repressive and sheltered childhood (no television, radio, magazines, meat, spices including salt and pepper, etc. for they are the Devil's Work), she finds herself with teens outside of the SDA religion. This starts her path of sexual conquests and abusive relationships. This is more than teenage rebellion, it is a lifelong move from one bad partner to another, struggling to please the men in her life as she was raised to do.

Melissa’s long path to self-worth and autonomy bring hope to those fighting the trauma of an abusive childhood, a suffocating religious upbringing, and violent relationships.

[Anne Parr · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have an ARC and Melissa’s book is hard to put down.
As an ex-Adventist, this book is incredibly validating to read, it brings up so many feelings, good and painful.
I love Melissa’s narrative voice, her courage and honesty.
Her writing pulls you along, and you’re never bored.
I just keep thinking what a watershed moment this is…she’s the first ex SDA writer to call out the systemic abuse the church has allowed for decades…as I write my own memoir about my relationship to the church, I hope to be one of many voices that speak our truth.
The Adventist church loves its members to keep quiet and obey….thankfully more and more people are refusing to be silent!

[Cindy Belz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Melissa’s memoir is a raw, gritty, account of growing up in a high control religion. To call this book a page turner is an understatement. Her journey of deconstruction is touching, brave, honest, and oh so real. So many of us have dealt with similar hurdles that are never discussed. Her story made me laugh, cry, and want to scream. Yes, it was hard to read and triggering at times. Yet, her accounts made me feel so connected to her. We have walked in different shoes, but some of the parallels took my breath away. A must read for anyone going through deconstruction or curious about the workings of a controlling fundamentalist religion, the struggles of getting out, and the path to healing.

[Carrie Nennich · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is well written and will draw you in. I read the entire book in 3 hours, starting the minute I opened it...
I grew up in the SDA church, and remained until I was 45. My story is much different than the author's, but hers is not a surprise, knowing the almost secretive nature of the organization. the SDA church (as well as many other church organizations) is desperate to keep the illusion of perfection. This behavior leaves an environment ripe for abuse and its cover-ups. Her story is to be taken seriously and believed.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

How does one rate this sad and disturbing book? I am sure it was cathartic to write however to recognize that this behavior is still acceptable is darn right scary. How does one ever become able to live what is accepted today as a “standard” life.

I have read many of the memoirs usually related to a religion Orthodox Judaism, Fundamental Christian, etc. This one by far was the most disturbing.

Do I recommend it? A very good question as it is so very dark, sad and depressing I’m not sure.

[Melissa Spiers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Author Post/Partial List of Endorsements:

“Melissa is an incredible writer, and she expertly illustrates how high-control religions and religious purity culture prime women for abuse and silence. While exposing widespread and systemic abuse in the Seventh-day Adventist Church, she demonstrates great empathy and compassion even for those who cause harm. Melissa’s writing is unexpectedly hilarious and warm, and I laughed out loud at times. Purity culture survivors won’t want to miss this one, as stories like this have never been more urgent.”

—Erica Smith, MEd, author of The Purity Culture Recovery Guide and creator of The Purity Culture Dropout™ Program

“I laughed, I cried, I raged, and I cheered alongside the author. Holy Disobedience is a brave, penetrating memoir about spiritual abuse, bodily control, and the slow, defiant work of claiming autonomy. It offers something rare and necessary: language for the harm and a release to stop apologizing for surviving it. If you’ve ever been confined in the straitjacket of a faith that worships the appearance of goodness to cover its nefarious deeds, let this book grant you permission to rage until you break free.”

—Katherine Spearing, author of A Thousand Tiny Paper Cuts: The Subtle Insidious Nature of Spiritual Abuse and Life on the Other Side

“Raw and courageous, these pages expose spiritual abuse, illuminate the shadowed history of Seventh-day Adventism, and transform inherited pain into power and advocacy. Her story grants readers permission to grieve their own losses without apology or the need to soothe others’ discomfort. As she writes, ‘I will no longer do pretty pain.’”

—Stephanie Warren, writer and podcast host of Focus on Your Own Family

“A pastor’s daughter, Melissa Duge Spiers takes an unflinching look at the Seventh-day Adventist Church, a community that has escaped much scrutiny in the past century. Not only does Melissa vulnerably share the harm she experienced, but she also digs into the systemic and theological issues that have impacted countless like her. Compelling and insightful, this is an important addition to the growing genre of memoirs about high-control religion.”

—Cait West, author of Rift: A Memoir of Breaking Away from Christian Patriarchy