What Kind of Mother: A Memoir

by Bernadette Murphy

A moving memoir that offers a vital new perspective on adoption—from the rarely glimpsed birth mother’s point of view.

What kind of mother gives up her son? Bernadette Murphy grew up the “miracle child” of her immigrant Irish Catholic family, arriving unexpectedly after her mother’s difficulty conceiving and her parents’ adoption of her older brother. Three more siblings followed, and as her once-glamorous mother sank deeper into depression, and her father struggled to support the family, Bernadette was forced to grow up quickly and care for her brothers and sister. When Bernadette’s first love resulted in a pregnancy at age sixteen, faced with limited options and a belief, from her Catholic upbringing, that abortion was a sin, she made the impossible choice to give up the baby for adoption.

More than forty years later, Bernadette, the mother of three other grown children she raised and still living with deep-rooted shame and guilt for having given up her son, was consumed by thoughts of the boy she relinquished. What did he think of her, if he thought of her at all? Was he angry, troubled, content? As she launched a desperate search for her firstborn, she began writing him letters, describing her life and explaining her decision.

At once an incisive, affecting memoir of a childhood filled with hardship and love and the story of a birth mother’s quest to find her son and forgive herself, What Kind of Mother challenges our assumptions about adoption, opening up an important conversation about family, love, and possibility.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Adoption

288 pages, Hardcover

Expected publication January 12, 2027

About the author

Bernadette Murphy is an author and New York Times-bestselling collaborative writer working with celebrities and other public figures. Her personal works include the bestselling Zen and the Art of Knitting (2002, Adams Media/Simon & Schuster) and Harley and Me: Embracing Risk on the Road to a More Authentic Life (2016, Counterpoint Press), which combined memoir with neuroscience and biology. Her essays on life, religion, and literature have appeared in LitHub, Ms. Magazine, The Rumpus, Palm Springs Life, Climbing Magazine, New York Observer, and elsewhere. Previously, she served as a weekly book critic for the Los Angeles Times, and as an associate professor for the MFA program at Antioch University Los Angeles. Currently, she teaches at The Newport MFA at Salve Regina University in Rhode Island.

When not writing, she pursues outdoor adventures—rock and ice climbing, backcountry skiing, mountain biking, backpacking—as well as quieter interests like meditation, knitting, and reading. She raised three outstanding young adults and is in joyous reunion with the son she relinquished for adoption. She lives in Park City, Utah. Find her online at: bernadettemurphy.com.

Reviews

[Nikki Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

6 stars. Wow.

Can I call my favorite book of the year if it's not out until next year?

I love the unheard stories, and this is an important one. Rarely do readers hear about the birth mom and her perspective. Murphy captures the depth and conflict of this point view with heart and humility.

[Jen Burrows · Rating 4 out of 5]

What Kind of Mother is an honest and affecting memoir of adoption told by a birth mother. Murphy recounts the story of her troubled childhood, her fraught relationship with her own mother and teen pregnancy with the candour of someone who has clearly spent years working through their legacy, and I really admired her resilience. It's an often unheard perspective, and Murphy explores the trauma and emotional complexity of adoption both for adoptees and mothers who relinquish their child with real care and compassion.

[Liralen]

4 stars; review to come January 2027

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

What Kind of Mother by Bernadette Murphy is a memoir that explores the author's experience from when she was a teenager, raised in a traditional Irish Catholic family, and she was pregnant. Murphy decides to relinquish parental rights so the child can be adopted, but then the decision haunts her for four decades. The reader goes through a journey with Bernadette as she shares her stories from growing up, the thought process that went behind choosing adoption, and her search for her long lost son.

I loved this book because it's rare to hear stories about the birth mother. Generally, adoption stories are told through the lens of the child that was adopted. And while those stories are important (and I don't think we truly understand the full impact of how adoption psychologically affects both the child and the parent and needs further studying), it was very compelling to read about the mother's experience. Murphy weaves her own childhood beautifully with what she is processing now as an adult; the reader gets taken on the ride with the author to see how what she went through impacted the decisions she made. The roles of motherhood are complex and nuanced. I believe society is starting to shift their understanding of this, with more conversations centered around different types of motherhood or roles women can take on for their life. This book offers a few variations of motherhood: an absent mother who decided to raise her children, a birth mother who chose to let go of her child, and a mother who adores her children with all of her being. Spoiler: there are only two mothers that this book focuses on. As a daughter, it was impactful to read the author's experiences both as a daughter herself and as a mother.

I highly recommend this book if you're at all interested in motherhood, how adoption impacts the families that are involved, chosen family, and if you enjoy personal memoirs. Thank you to NetGalley for an advanced copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I specifically requested What Kind of Mother because my own mother gave up her first child as a teenager, and over the years we had many conversations about the emotional weight behind that decision. Because of that, I was very interested in reading a memoir from the birth mother’s perspective since it’s a side of adoption stories we rarely hear discussed openly.

What really stood out to me about this memoir was how honest and emotionally layered it felt. Bernadette Murphy doesn’t just tell the story of placing her son for adoption at sixteen — she also shares the years leading up to that decision, growing up in a struggling Irish Catholic family, taking on adult responsibilities far too young, and carrying guilt and shame for decades afterward. The book moves between her difficult childhood, her pregnancy as a teenager, and her later search for the son she never stopped thinking about.

What makes this memoir so powerful is that it doesn’t try to force the reader into one emotional viewpoint. It explores adoption, motherhood, religion, family expectations, trauma, and forgiveness in a very real and complicated way. At times it was heartbreaking, but it also showed resilience, healing, and the lifelong hope for understanding and connection.

I think this is an important read not only for people connected to adoption, but for anyone who enjoys memoirs about family relationships, women’s experiences, generational trauma, and personal growth. It gives a voice to women whose stories were often hidden, judged, or silenced for years.

Bernadette’s writing felt vulnerable without feeling overly dramatic, and that honesty is what made this memoir so memorable for me.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[sniksnak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bernadette Murphy’s memoir delves into her personal journey, commencing with her unforeseen teenage pregnancy in the late 1970s. Raised within an Irish Catholic family, she confronted the challenging decision of relinquishing her child, a choice heavily influenced by guilt and societal stigma. This decision profoundly affected her identity and relationships for many years.
The memoir intricately weaves her childhood as a miracle child in an immigrant Irish Catholic family in Los Angeles with her quest, and as a mother of three, to reconnect with her son. Ms Murphy examines how this experience shaped her sense of self and interactions with the world.
Her writing is both honest and elegant, steering clear of sensationalism while delving into her emotions. The memoir skillfully balances personal narrative with broader reflections, offering an intimate portrayal of a loving yet strained family. She captures her mother’s depression, her father’s financial struggles, and her early responsibilities for her siblings, humanizing these circumstances without excusing them. She challenges assumptions about giving up a child, emphasizing the lifelong emotional toll and enduring love involved.
The memoir’s structure interlaces past and present, creating a life examined with courage. It’s rich in reflection and emotional processing, addressing significant topics such as teen pregnancy, adoption, and family mental health struggles. Ms Murphy’s writing isn’t gratuitous; it’s rewarding in its careful engagement.

**I would like to express my gratitude to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with the opportunity to read this book in exchange for an honest review.
#ARC
#NetGalley
#WhatKindOfMother

[Kel Caffekey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow what a beautiful heartwarming story. I'm so grateful that I scrolled on Netgalley one night, I requested it and within 10 minutes I was approved.

I took my time reading this beautiful memoir as I felt like I was in the story with B. This was wonderful to read yet also so very moving to see what this wonderful birth mother went through.

The gift you've shared with us here is beyond wonder and amazement. I've never read a birth mother book and I'm so glad you took the time to share your journey and story. It's truly amazing to see what someone can go through and still find love for another.

I read the last 60% of this book all in one go on a Saturday afternoon on my sofa turning each page one at a time.

Anyone who reads this book will truly learn so much but also be moved by the depths and lengths this woman went to in order to find her son.

I'd highly recommend this to anyone I come across and will mention this book on my social media as a must read.

Thank you for this advanced copy this will leave a mark in anyone's heart and warm even the coldest of souls.

Birth mothers do matter and they do have a voice and no one can even begin to imagine just what you go through... Thank you beautiful soul your words matter and I hope this reaches as many people as possible in a world that needs to remember anything is possible ❤️

[Whitney Hofstetter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review of advanced copy from NetGalley

Plot: This is the memoir of a birth mother trying to find the son she relinquished.

Impression: There are very few stories about the women who choose to relinquish a child- something I’ve never realized prior to reading this memoir. What Kind of Mother made me think and it made me sad. I had heard of the Magdalene houses in Ireland but not some of the other institutions mentioned. There was good perspective on the generational trauma that impacted the author. What made me the most sad is that she later in life felt she didn’t make an informed decision concerning abortion vs adoption. The issue was handled with nuance but having those regrets even after finding out about her child made me sad.

Trigger Warning: description of severe child abuse and mental health crises

Star System: 5 star reads are books I can’t put down and/or make me cry. This is a book that will stick with me for either the topic, writing style, or emotional impact.
4 star books are unique or interesting and perhaps teach me something new. A feel good read is usually 4 stars.
3 star reads are good, solid books. I’m not necessarily learning or feeling anything new.
2 star books have some plot holes or timeline issues. These are the books that just aren’t believable.
1 star books are typically offensive

[Emily Stukel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the first book I’ve had the privilege of reading as an early reader for NetGalley in exchange for an unpaid honest review. Note that my review could include spoilers.

I am well read in the mother wound AND the mother blessing (two sides of the same coin in my opinion) and Murphy’s narrative of the mothering, or complete lack thereof, she herself received and how she in turn mothered her own four children is one of the best I’ve ever read.

Here’s what landed in my heart: the Correspondent vibes with the letters she writes to her birth son; the format—back and forth between letters to her birth son and the story of her own childhood; her father’s harrowing story surviving childhood institutionalism in Ireland and then his unyielding love; and her childhood patronus, Mary Bear.

The writing is captivating and it taps into an expansive love, one I’ve found true for myself having had a complicated mother, that we are all mothered by many mothers. Sometimes imaginary, sometimes by a friend’s mother and then always—if we do the job right—by ourselves.

What a story Bernadette, thank you for sharing it with the world. I hope this book makes the rounds because it is stunning.

--

No AI was used to write or edit this content

[Michelle Johnson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thoroughly appreciated this book.

The author gives us a deep look at adoption from the birth mother's side of it. And she tells it all. The things you would expect and the things you would never have thought of. She shares things that might even seem odd but makes perfect sense.

I especially appreciated that she shared how adoption isn't always the answer society has says it is. And further how society shamed/shames birth mothers even though it's supposed to be this grand gesture of love...and it IS, to the birth mothers (usually/sometimes). But if society says it's bad why the dichotomy. I'm glad she didnt just glaze over that and move on. She shared what could make adoption better for the birth mother...who no one seems to think about once she's done her "job".

Did you know that in America adoptees can't get their birth records in some states. And when they do get them, names and sometimes DATES and places have been amended! That's not okay. There needs to be change. I'm glad she wrote this book and is bringing light to these things.

It's a lot to absorb. It might even cause you to think about unplanned pregnancies a little differently. I'm all for adoption so I hope I don't sound like I'm criticizing it...and CERTAINLY not the author. For her to give a piece of herself away because she thought it was best for her child is to be lauded! More importantly, there should have been other options for her. Options that wouldnt have broken her heart.

It's an important read.

[ror · Rating 4 out of 5]

this was a really emotionally charged and powerful book. like many others have noted, I’ve heard and read books about adoptees- but never really the birth parent. getting Bernadette’s perspective as a birth parent who gave a child up for adoption is really interesting. I enjoyed that you got the “full story”- from Bernadette’s childhood and upbringing (which led her to make the decisions she made), being pregnant and giving up her child, and her path in the future dealing with the aftermath of that decision.

although the primary focus of the book is Bernadette and her child that she gave up, this book tackles some other challenging topics and experiences: mental health, alcoholism, family trauma, neglect, etc.

I will say, the first 25% of the book was very slow, to the point where I considered putting the book aside. I know that it takes time to set the scene, but it was hard to connect with Bernadette or her family at this early part of the book. I’m glad that I gave the book more of a chance, because it was definitely worth the read in the end.

thank you to netgalley and the publishers for the arc!

[HEATHER L · Rating 5 out of 5]

My very first ARC book and SO EXCITED it was an easy read. Very interesting. Love the flow of past and present and letter to “Christian”. The emotion was clearly written making it easy to be overcome with the same emotions; truly feeling for the characters. However, it could have done without Chapter 40. The book is about a birth mother’s thoughts, feelings and emotions; not about a mother who aborted her child. Why politicize the book? Why bring up an opinion that cannot begin to reflect thoughts, feelings, emotions of a mother who aborted her child. The information about the Irish child removals was extremely interesting but not really relevant for the book. However, I did like how the story of her father’s past was weaved into the full story. Would not mind another book concerning the information about the Irish child removals. The author used so much courage to get through this story; and to her I am proud of the way she handled telling her truth. Great read.

Thank you to NetGalley, the publisher and author for the chance to read early.

[Jill Dobbe · Rating 4 out of 5]

An exceptionally well-written book that outlines the author's life growing up in an Irish family. With a mother who was incapacitated and a father who tried to hold it all together, Murphy was the substitute mother to her siblings. While in her teenage years, the author became pregnant, giving up her son for adoption.

As Murphy lives her life, she is consumed with thoughts about her child, wondering where he is, who his parents are, and what became of him, until she finally begins the search to locate him. This is a memoir that is honest, heartfelt, and emotional, acknowledging the pain of giving up a child to give them a better life.

Thank you to Netgalley, the publisher, and the author for this ARC.

[Chelsea Walsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is absolutely beautiful and completely broke my heart in the best way possible. Bernadette Murphy shares her story of getting pregnant at sixteen and making the agonizing choice to give her baby up for adoption. Decades later, she takes us along on her desperate, brave search to find her firstborn son. The letters she writes to him throughout the book are incredibly raw, honest, and filled with love. This memoir completely changed how I think about adoption. It shines a much-needed light on the deep guilt and shame that birth mothers carry for a lifetime. It is a gorgeous story about family, healing, and learning to forgive yourself. Keep tissues close by because this book will stay with you long after the final page!

[Darla · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so glad that I won an ARC for What Kind of Mother. Memoirs are not my go to genre. If I hadn’t won this book, I would have missed out on an awesome read. I truly thank Goodreads Giveaways, Spiegel & Grau and Bernadette Murphy for this outstanding book. What Kind of Mother will be on sale January 12, 2027.

Bernadette has not had an easy life. At a young age, she had to take over running a household and caring for her younger siblings. Her mother suffered from mental illness and her father was barely holding the family together. When she was 16 years old, she found herself pregnant. She made the very difficult decision to give her baby up for adoption. This is her story of loss, love and perseverance. What Kind of Mother is beautifully written. Highly recommend!

[Brett Snodgrass · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love a book that makes me look at topics differently. We see topics commonly on adoption from the adopted’s point of view. We never see the point of view of the birth mother. While I didn’t agree with every single viewpoint. It makes you think differently, the mother that longs for and thinks of that child for many many years, and the devastation that ultimately can come. It also can show strength, healing and perseverance. Beautifully written with beautiful insight.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
What an amazing story of love and family! I don't think I've read another birth mother book. I'm glad she shared her story.
There are so many tragic moments of Bernadette's life but she shows such amazing resilience to overcome so many things. I highly recommend this book!

[Jenni · Rating 5 out of 5]

i tend to stay away from rating memoirs, for reasons that i think are self explanatory, but this was incredible. beautifully written, amazing story, great flow and structure throughout. i hadn’t even realised that we never heard the story of a birth mother, and it was touching and heartbreaking and beautiful and saddening and hopeful all at once.