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The Only Thing There Is to Want: A Memoir of Three Loves
The New York Times bestselling author of Blackout excavates the romantic entanglements that defined her adulthood—an electrifying and unflinching account of the ways we choose love, it chooses us, and how those choices build a life.
“I’m scared I only want what I can’t have,” I said.
“Oh baby,” he said. “It’s the only thing there is to want.”
Sarah Hepola wanted so much: a big career; travel and adventure; deep relationships; passion. Having realized so many of those desires, she also grieved the ways her life was not what she’d always imagined it would be. Did I want too much, she wondered. Did I make the wrong choices? Love the wrong people?
In The Only Thing There Is To Want, Hepola revisits three complicated love affairs from her past, seeking to understand how they might have kept her from the life she’d envisioned, but also made her who she is. Examining her own decisions, Hepola probes the question: Is love ever really a choice?
This dazzling portrait of the mirages of modern romance captures the paradox of desire: wanting propels us forward and holds us back. Funny, achingly tender, and fearlessly intimate, The Only Thing There Is to Want is about discovering the beauty in the life you’ve built.
“I’m scared I only want what I can’t have,” I said.
“Oh baby,” he said. “It’s the only thing there is to want.”
Sarah Hepola wanted so much: a big career; travel and adventure; deep relationships; passion. Having realized so many of those desires, she also grieved the ways her life was not what she’d always imagined it would be. Did I want too much, she wondered. Did I make the wrong choices? Love the wrong people?
In The Only Thing There Is To Want, Hepola revisits three complicated love affairs from her past, seeking to understand how they might have kept her from the life she’d envisioned, but also made her who she is. Examining her own decisions, Hepola probes the question: Is love ever really a choice?
This dazzling portrait of the mirages of modern romance captures the paradox of desire: wanting propels us forward and holds us back. Funny, achingly tender, and fearlessly intimate, The Only Thing There Is to Want is about discovering the beauty in the life you’ve built.
320 pages, Hardcover
Published September 29, 2026
About the author
Sarah Hepola
9 books395 followersSarah Hepola is the personal essays editor at Salon.com, where she reads people’s secrets for a living. She has written many stories about drinking and eating too much. Her essays on culture have appeared in the New York Times magazine, The New Republic, Glamour, The Guardian, Nerve, Slate, and The Morning News, where she has been a contributing writer for more than a decade. Her past jobs include: Travel columnist, music editor, film critic, sex blogger, and for about 15 seconds in the late ’90s, she taught high school English. She lives in East Dallas, where she enjoys playing her guitar poorly and listening to the “Xanadu” soundtrack.
Her memoir, “Blackout,” will be published by Grand Central on June 23, 2015. It was recently named one of the most anticipated upcoming memoirs by Publishers Weekly. You can contact her at sarahhepola@gmail.com. (Please send Salon story submissions to shepola@salon.com).
Her memoir, “Blackout,” will be published by Grand Central on June 23, 2015. It was recently named one of the most anticipated upcoming memoirs by Publishers Weekly. You can contact her at sarahhepola@gmail.com. (Please send Salon story submissions to shepola@salon.com).
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews
September 29, 2026
Sarah Hepola is a magnificent journalist and memoirist. Her memoir, BLACKOUT: REMEMBERING THE THINGS I DRANK TO FORGET, is a riveting chronicle of alcoholism and recovery. Her new book, THE ONLY THING THERE IS TO WANT: A MEMOIR OF THREE LOVES, is just as brilliant: astute, revealing, surprising, and funny. In this latest book, she chronicles the three romances that have marked her years of sobriety, examining with unflinching candor what drew her to each man and why the relationship failed (or, perhaps, never had a chance). Among the many things that make THE ONLY THING THERE IS TO WANT such a beautiful book is the wistfulness with which Hepola presents love -- how desire and desperation often are roommates, the way heartbreak and hope share the same lane, and (yes) our fundamental need for connection, even when the fates forecast doom. It's not at all a self-help book. . .and yet it IS a helpful reminder of desire's central role in so much of what we do.
October 22, 2026
I've been craving a good memoir, preferably one that doesn't feature a damaged childhood. I found it in The Only Thing There Is to Want. Hepola talks about the highs and lows of looking for love as if the reader were a trusted friend. Her writing is smart and funny, and her audio narration is just right.
September 30, 2026
Real Rating: 3.5* of five
The Publisher Says: The New York Times bestselling author of Blackout excavates the romantic entanglements that defined her adulthood—an electrifying and unflinching account of the ways we choose love, it chooses us, and how those choices build a life.
“I’m scared I only want what I can’t have,” I said.
“Oh baby,” he said. “It’s the only thing there is to want.”
Sarah Hepola wanted so much: a big career; travel and adventure; deep relationships; passion. Having realized so many of those desires, she also grieved the ways her life was not what she’d always imagined it would be. Did I want too much, she wondered. Did I make the wrong choices? Love the wrong people?
In The Only Thing There Is To Want, Hepola revisits three complicated love affairs from her past, seeking to understand how they might have kept her from the life she’d envisioned, but also made her who she is. Examining her own decisions, Hepola probes the question: Is love ever really a choice?
This dazzling portrait of the mirages of modern romance captures the paradox of desire: wanting propels us forward and holds us back. Funny, achingly tender, and fearlessly intimate, The Only Thing There Is to Want is about discovering the beauty in the life you’ve built.
I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.
My Review: "Is love ever really a choice?", the synopsis poses.
No.
That's it then, we're done here, no further questions your honor.
You're the same person sober as you are drunk only masking better. Author Hepola is candid about her love for these men being...ill-considered...but without insobriety to blame for them, she sits with the uncomfortable reality that she makes questionable choices. It's a major moment in an adult's life. Face up, take stock, look carefully at what you are actually doing not the story you tell yourself about what you're actually doing...it can never be simple when the subject is as primal as Love. The stories are simple, we need that to make sense of the wildness of Love.
But go into it, make that fearless and searching inventory of you life, the story crumbles and with it the wall between your Self and your illusions, the stories you tell to yourself about yourself. Like the ones about too-young guys who need you, married guys who want you, and remote guys you want.
It's all there, it's all totally relatable, it's not one bit more romanticized or disingenuously justified than anyone else's baggage; it's a good idea, do it in public so you can't hide from the consequences. Someone out there *needs* to read this book, to know they are not alone or even unusual.
Well-aimed at a market that will not shrink any time soon, presented in a very unflattering warts-and-all top light, it is indeed a book many will need. I don't think I'm one of them because I've been in therapy for, like, ever and these are the techniques of being in a theraputic collaboration.
I hope multitudes feel drawn to Author Hepola's story of how Love deceived her, and I don't mean the men she loved I mean the emotion Love...leading her into emotional traps, through strength-sapping swamps of self-pity, through the powerfully seductive pitfalls of main-character syndrome. (It might not be in the DSM yet but it will be.)
Love powers the world, we're told. but no one extends the analogy to how power is made: burning irreplaceable resources and polluting the planet in ever-more toxic ways, or using rare commodities that can fuel your power generation at the cost of massively dangerous leavings that can kill for generations. Only very rarely have people used renewable, ever-cheaper, and limitless ways of making power.
Time to switch to renewables, though at huge cost, for all our power needs. Love perhaps most urgently of all.
The Publisher Says: The New York Times bestselling author of Blackout excavates the romantic entanglements that defined her adulthood—an electrifying and unflinching account of the ways we choose love, it chooses us, and how those choices build a life.
“I’m scared I only want what I can’t have,” I said.
“Oh baby,” he said. “It’s the only thing there is to want.”
Sarah Hepola wanted so much: a big career; travel and adventure; deep relationships; passion. Having realized so many of those desires, she also grieved the ways her life was not what she’d always imagined it would be. Did I want too much, she wondered. Did I make the wrong choices? Love the wrong people?
In The Only Thing There Is To Want, Hepola revisits three complicated love affairs from her past, seeking to understand how they might have kept her from the life she’d envisioned, but also made her who she is. Examining her own decisions, Hepola probes the question: Is love ever really a choice?
This dazzling portrait of the mirages of modern romance captures the paradox of desire: wanting propels us forward and holds us back. Funny, achingly tender, and fearlessly intimate, The Only Thing There Is to Want is about discovering the beauty in the life you’ve built.
I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.
My Review: "Is love ever really a choice?", the synopsis poses.
No.
That's it then, we're done here, no further questions your honor.
You're the same person sober as you are drunk only masking better. Author Hepola is candid about her love for these men being...ill-considered...but without insobriety to blame for them, she sits with the uncomfortable reality that she makes questionable choices. It's a major moment in an adult's life. Face up, take stock, look carefully at what you are actually doing not the story you tell yourself about what you're actually doing...it can never be simple when the subject is as primal as Love. The stories are simple, we need that to make sense of the wildness of Love.
But go into it, make that fearless and searching inventory of you life, the story crumbles and with it the wall between your Self and your illusions, the stories you tell to yourself about yourself. Like the ones about too-young guys who need you, married guys who want you, and remote guys you want.
It's all there, it's all totally relatable, it's not one bit more romanticized or disingenuously justified than anyone else's baggage; it's a good idea, do it in public so you can't hide from the consequences. Someone out there *needs* to read this book, to know they are not alone or even unusual.
Well-aimed at a market that will not shrink any time soon, presented in a very unflattering warts-and-all top light, it is indeed a book many will need. I don't think I'm one of them because I've been in therapy for, like, ever and these are the techniques of being in a theraputic collaboration.
I hope multitudes feel drawn to Author Hepola's story of how Love deceived her, and I don't mean the men she loved I mean the emotion Love...leading her into emotional traps, through strength-sapping swamps of self-pity, through the powerfully seductive pitfalls of main-character syndrome. (It might not be in the DSM yet but it will be.)
Love powers the world, we're told. but no one extends the analogy to how power is made: burning irreplaceable resources and polluting the planet in ever-more toxic ways, or using rare commodities that can fuel your power generation at the cost of massively dangerous leavings that can kill for generations. Only very rarely have people used renewable, ever-cheaper, and limitless ways of making power.
Time to switch to renewables, though at huge cost, for all our power needs. Love perhaps most urgently of all.
Review of advance copy received from NetGalley
Loved the writing and the honesty. It is not easy to write about yourself in an unflattering light, especially when you know people are going to judge or attack or leave 1 star reviews because they disagree with something you did. I totally recommend it.
October 2, 2026
I’m just really unsure what the takeaway should be for the reader.
Review of advance copy received from NetGalley
From the author of Blackout, Sarah Hepola explores the romantic relationships that defined her midlife after her years-long struggle to become sober. With honesty, relatability, and vulnerability, she examines her solo path into midlife through patches of promise and fulfilling but fraught romantic entanglements with married men, unavailable men, and perhaps much-too-young men. She grapples with what it means to search for a long-term partner through your childbearing years, through the years when it seems everyone around you is partnering up, and through the highs and lows of a career.
I fell in love with Hepola’s candid storytelling and the emotional vulnerability she brings to every page. She’s a storyteller you can trust, weaving nuance, humor, and heartbreak throughout the book. You find yourself questioning her choices, rooting for her, and understanding the ambiguity all at once. Her stories don’t have desperate flair to them; they’re so relatable, even to a happily married mom of three like myself. Yet I saw myself in her struggles—in the way she embraced wholehearted love, evaluated risk, yet often chose abandon, and more often than not chose to live even when the future was uncertain or scary.
How many of us have loved someone we knew we ought not to? So much of what we want is control, and Hepola shows us how to live instead. Her internal transformation is soft-spoken and gradual; there’s no one-day wake-up call. It’s an everyday battle to live your best life, love yourself and those around you, and keep going even when none of it is how you imagined it would turn out.
Highly recommend. Thank you #NetGalley for the ARC!
I fell in love with Hepola’s candid storytelling and the emotional vulnerability she brings to every page. She’s a storyteller you can trust, weaving nuance, humor, and heartbreak throughout the book. You find yourself questioning her choices, rooting for her, and understanding the ambiguity all at once. Her stories don’t have desperate flair to them; they’re so relatable, even to a happily married mom of three like myself. Yet I saw myself in her struggles—in the way she embraced wholehearted love, evaluated risk, yet often chose abandon, and more often than not chose to live even when the future was uncertain or scary.
How many of us have loved someone we knew we ought not to? So much of what we want is control, and Hepola shows us how to live instead. Her internal transformation is soft-spoken and gradual; there’s no one-day wake-up call. It’s an everyday battle to live your best life, love yourself and those around you, and keep going even when none of it is how you imagined it would turn out.
Highly recommend. Thank you #NetGalley for the ARC!
Review of advance copy received from NetGalley
This book made me sad. It reminded me of the sad choices people make trying to find love and the lies we tell ourselves when we don't find it. A lot of us have been there in various ways. That's why I was surprised I didn't like this memoir.
The subject is an excellent choice for a memoir, but the telling falls flat. I didn't really connect with the author because I didn't really ever feel what was at stake for her, even though I knew it very well. I didn't see much self reflection and the ending seemed rushed. I just didn't feel as if she was being honest with her reader or taking accountability throughout the book.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher. I received an advance review copy (ARC) of this book from the publisher via NetGalley.
The subject is an excellent choice for a memoir, but the telling falls flat. I didn't really connect with the author because I didn't really ever feel what was at stake for her, even though I knew it very well. I didn't see much self reflection and the ending seemed rushed. I just didn't feel as if she was being honest with her reader or taking accountability throughout the book.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher. I received an advance review copy (ARC) of this book from the publisher via NetGalley.
Review of advance copy
2.75 Rounded up. Story of a professional woman looking for a male partner. Story describes her frustration in finding available partners, especially as she ages and achieves career success. She makes numerous mistakes in choosing potential partners. Her life is full of disappointments in these endeavors. The book describes three of her most prominent experiences, each of which ends in disappointment for the book's protagonist. The book is interesting but sad and disappointing. Do not recommend.
October 12, 2026
this book wasn't for me, and i knew i wasn't going to like it much or get much out of it. i listen to her podcast & had always felt like i should read blackout, almost like an obligation. one of those weird one-sided relationships that develops after you've spent a long time listening to someone talk.
i quite enjoyed blackout (finished it last week). i could relate to some of it. that was not my experience with this. i don't really get what people get out of reading things like this & i don't really understand why someone would write all this stuff. mostly made me uncomfortable. like someone you know but don't 'really' know oversharing with you.
there were details that were littered throughout the book that i wanted to latch onto, things that made my 'i want to hear more about that' neurons trigger a bit. why didn't she have any money? blackout was a pretty substantial success, right? there should have been some money from that, surely. why didn't she have full time jobs with a pension & benefits? i want to hear more about that.
it's all readable, nicely written. it's not a billion pages long. i appreciate a relatively short book. but i just wasn't all that into it and i don't get why people want to talk about things like this. yet i really want to read about her money problems.
i quite enjoyed blackout (finished it last week). i could relate to some of it. that was not my experience with this. i don't really get what people get out of reading things like this & i don't really understand why someone would write all this stuff. mostly made me uncomfortable. like someone you know but don't 'really' know oversharing with you.
there were details that were littered throughout the book that i wanted to latch onto, things that made my 'i want to hear more about that' neurons trigger a bit. why didn't she have any money? blackout was a pretty substantial success, right? there should have been some money from that, surely. why didn't she have full time jobs with a pension & benefits? i want to hear more about that.
it's all readable, nicely written. it's not a billion pages long. i appreciate a relatively short book. but i just wasn't all that into it and i don't get why people want to talk about things like this. yet i really want to read about her money problems.
November 4, 2026
loved the writing of this one. Full review TK.
October 11, 2026
The trainwreck tales to come in this memoir are telegraphed early on when she recounts the boyfriend she'd hoped to marry and was even living with, but she tells us they didn't have sex/he was unhappy about her weight. This woman is the daughter of a therapist and seems to have had a fairly solid education and yet does not have the mettle to walk away from any man who purportedly is around to have sex with you yet makes negative comments about your body. "ExCUSE me?!?!" is without argument the only possible response to that followed by notice he's on a probationary period from now on so better expunge whatever woman-hating bile is inside him before he gets dumped.
Sure, a guy like that might find other ways to demean you, but it's just horrendous to think she thought this was somehow within acceptable limits. Then again, we also know she was that type who thought Jameson's made her smarter and better equipped for arguments about David Foster Wallace. We're also told early on that she loves to "banter." As in engaging in quippy, vacuous sentences that carry zero substance but likely fulfill her externally driven image of herself as sparkly and smart. Show, girl, don't tell.
She's a great storyteller but this was unbearably depressing. Also, a note to women in their 40s: Get the dog, it'll change your life, but also come to terms with the fact that if you remain still single at age 60, all it means is that you've literally been spending private time with hot guys in their 30s and 40s for FOUR decades. The kind of men who know the only acceptable thing to say about a woman's body is a variation on the sentence "OMG you are so hot."
Sure, a guy like that might find other ways to demean you, but it's just horrendous to think she thought this was somehow within acceptable limits. Then again, we also know she was that type who thought Jameson's made her smarter and better equipped for arguments about David Foster Wallace. We're also told early on that she loves to "banter." As in engaging in quippy, vacuous sentences that carry zero substance but likely fulfill her externally driven image of herself as sparkly and smart. Show, girl, don't tell.
She's a great storyteller but this was unbearably depressing. Also, a note to women in their 40s: Get the dog, it'll change your life, but also come to terms with the fact that if you remain still single at age 60, all it means is that you've literally been spending private time with hot guys in their 30s and 40s for FOUR decades. The kind of men who know the only acceptable thing to say about a woman's body is a variation on the sentence "OMG you are so hot."
Review of advance copy received from NetGalley
“The Only Thing There Is to Want” is a literary memoir by author Sarah Hepola. The writing is a little more stylistic than your typical memoir. I imagine this will appeal to some readers and slow others down.
Sarah Hepola looks back on three defining loves of her 30s and 40s. Men who forced her to reckon with the relationship patterns left staring her in the face once she got sober. Love one is a married man. Love two is a much younger man who is a situationship she’s trying to will into something more. (Honestly, it’s a little wild that he gets a full third of the book given how few times they actually meet in person.) Love three is a detective she’s hot and heavy with for a stretch, and then returns to later on, considering giving him a second chance.
Hepola isn’t always easy to root for. Her choices are sometimes baffling. But you keep turning pages anyway, hoping she’s going to get it together. She sort of does. There’s no tidy happy ending, but there is something like growth. Maybe?
This reminded me of one of my favorite non-celebrity memoirs, “Group.” Same energy — an unreliable narrator of her own life, making decisions you don’t understand, somehow keeping you riveted anyway.
Recommended for fans of “Group,” fans of literary memoirs, and readers with patience for a character who makes genuinely baffling choices.
PS: Thank you to NetGalley and The Dial Press for providing me with an Advanced Reading Copy in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own!
Sarah Hepola looks back on three defining loves of her 30s and 40s. Men who forced her to reckon with the relationship patterns left staring her in the face once she got sober. Love one is a married man. Love two is a much younger man who is a situationship she’s trying to will into something more. (Honestly, it’s a little wild that he gets a full third of the book given how few times they actually meet in person.) Love three is a detective she’s hot and heavy with for a stretch, and then returns to later on, considering giving him a second chance.
Hepola isn’t always easy to root for. Her choices are sometimes baffling. But you keep turning pages anyway, hoping she’s going to get it together. She sort of does. There’s no tidy happy ending, but there is something like growth. Maybe?
This reminded me of one of my favorite non-celebrity memoirs, “Group.” Same energy — an unreliable narrator of her own life, making decisions you don’t understand, somehow keeping you riveted anyway.
Recommended for fans of “Group,” fans of literary memoirs, and readers with patience for a character who makes genuinely baffling choices.
PS: Thank you to NetGalley and The Dial Press for providing me with an Advanced Reading Copy in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own!
October 7, 2026
I listened to this book which was narrated by the author. This might sound silly, but I just loved her voice. The tone of her voice came across as an interesting, educated, deep woman. Basically it’s the story of her love life and three different men. The story itself is pretty simple and I’m not really sure why I liked it that much. She was very reflective without being whiny which I feel is rare these days. She reflected on her love life as well as her professional life, travels and family of origin. Clearly she made some pretty questionable moral decisions, but she was pretty self-aware and for some reason, I just found her interesting and easy to listen to. It also made me appreciate my husband a great deal.
October 15, 2026
People are harsh about women who make bad choices in love, but who can truly throw the first stone? Sarah is intensely vulnerable and relatable even if I’ve never pined after the exact variety of unavailable man she has. There were moments when I found her exasperating — if you are 38 and want children, don’t take up with a married man for a long term affair! — but by the end I had more sympathy than judgment. She is endearing in her openness, and openness is one quality I can’t resist in a person. Also her appreciation of cats.
There are some really scintillating passages that shine with insight. She writes well. I listened to it but would have been highlighting if I was reading.
Interestingly, two of the three loves she writes about are barely relationships at all. One was long distance and lasted four months. The other (with the younger man) didn’t ever launch, was never a relationship at all. He strung her along, god knows why, occasionally texting, but they never went on more than a couple of proper dates and didn’t sleep together (even though they literally slept together -- unclear what happened there). She brings these relationships more alive in her writing than they actually were in real life. But it made me wonder — has she really not had a relationship more substantive than this after a lifetime of being boy crazy? The married man was her most robust “relationship” but affairs aren’t relationships. She chooses not to write about the live-in boyfriend who impregnated her before the move to NYC. I wonder if there were other real relationships she didn’t write about because she wanted fodder for a memoir about people who mattered less and therefore chose the trifles.
Which leaves me wondering if I just experienced a tell all, or a memoir designed to look like one without actually spilling any of the real beans about her love life!
My overarching conclusion is she has lived an interesting life, and she is not blaming anyone but herself for her outcomes. She lived the life she lived because she valued passion and excitement above security and domesticity. I’m so glad there are women like this since women aren’t given permission by society to prioritize adventure above safety and prudence.
There are some really scintillating passages that shine with insight. She writes well. I listened to it but would have been highlighting if I was reading.
Interestingly, two of the three loves she writes about are barely relationships at all. One was long distance and lasted four months. The other (with the younger man) didn’t ever launch, was never a relationship at all. He strung her along, god knows why, occasionally texting, but they never went on more than a couple of proper dates and didn’t sleep together (even though they literally slept together -- unclear what happened there). She brings these relationships more alive in her writing than they actually were in real life. But it made me wonder — has she really not had a relationship more substantive than this after a lifetime of being boy crazy? The married man was her most robust “relationship” but affairs aren’t relationships. She chooses not to write about the live-in boyfriend who impregnated her before the move to NYC. I wonder if there were other real relationships she didn’t write about because she wanted fodder for a memoir about people who mattered less and therefore chose the trifles.
Which leaves me wondering if I just experienced a tell all, or a memoir designed to look like one without actually spilling any of the real beans about her love life!
My overarching conclusion is she has lived an interesting life, and she is not blaming anyone but herself for her outcomes. She lived the life she lived because she valued passion and excitement above security and domesticity. I’m so glad there are women like this since women aren’t given permission by society to prioritize adventure above safety and prudence.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 2, 2026
This memoir was easy to read and hard to read at the same time—easy because the author’s engaging, readable style just pulls you forward but it was also hard because I sometimes felt like I was being pulled through her painful relationships almost against my own will. It is hard to square this incredibly well-resourced, highly educated successful woman making one self-destructive choice after anothther with not only seemingly full conscious awarenss of what she was signing up for but doing it almost defiantly. Who or what she was defying, other than herself, was inscrutable.
November 9, 2026
hard to do a memoir about love that is as fresh, as bracing, and as engaging as this one. Brava!
Review of advance copy received from NetGalley
Thank you to The Dial Press and NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
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I read Blackout by Hepola about 10 years ago and I still think about that book. When I saw her name attached to a new book, I knew I'd want to read it. Her writing is the same, in the sense that it is captivating, engrossing, and personal. Every time I'd pick this book up, I felt like she was writing *to me*. I don't want to say this book is for all the 20-something year old women, because we all have different stories - but I will say that it resonated with me immensely, and I have no doubt, lots of other women as well.
This book puts words to emotions, feelings, situations, that I've experienced and didn't even realize I had. Love, loss, heartbreak, situations, can be so complicated and Hepola portrays that magically. I felt her pain. I was annoyed for her and WITH her. Why did she keep putting herself through this??? But how many of us have kept ourselves in situations that we knew were bad for us. That's why Hepola's book will resonate.
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I read Blackout by Hepola about 10 years ago and I still think about that book. When I saw her name attached to a new book, I knew I'd want to read it. Her writing is the same, in the sense that it is captivating, engrossing, and personal. Every time I'd pick this book up, I felt like she was writing *to me*. I don't want to say this book is for all the 20-something year old women, because we all have different stories - but I will say that it resonated with me immensely, and I have no doubt, lots of other women as well.
This book puts words to emotions, feelings, situations, that I've experienced and didn't even realize I had. Love, loss, heartbreak, situations, can be so complicated and Hepola portrays that magically. I felt her pain. I was annoyed for her and WITH her. Why did she keep putting herself through this??? But how many of us have kept ourselves in situations that we knew were bad for us. That's why Hepola's book will resonate.
October 23, 2026
This woman is bucking for most pathetic, male-centered person alive, like calm down it's you babe you got it!!
Her writing is comparable to a love drunk 14 year old who is so focused on the opposite sex they read into every eyebrow twitch. Dripping in her internalized misogyny, defending predators, thinking men are brilliant because they defend said predators and alluding to an imagined event of being "chased with pitchforks" for voicing her opinion on Twitter - a right wing dog whistle and wet dream. Add onto that the painful repetition off phrases she clearly thinks are poetry - if I hear her mention her "cornflower blue door" one more time I'll pass away.
None of these stories are based on her mind or spirit, none of it is love, and it's so fucking embarrassing to listen to her writing/thinking/acting like I did at 21 at her big age of 44. Get a better therapist, start the work, it's hard but my god am I glad that 10 years her junior I'm so much more healed than this.
Her writing is comparable to a love drunk 14 year old who is so focused on the opposite sex they read into every eyebrow twitch. Dripping in her internalized misogyny, defending predators, thinking men are brilliant because they defend said predators and alluding to an imagined event of being "chased with pitchforks" for voicing her opinion on Twitter - a right wing dog whistle and wet dream. Add onto that the painful repetition off phrases she clearly thinks are poetry - if I hear her mention her "cornflower blue door" one more time I'll pass away.
None of these stories are based on her mind or spirit, none of it is love, and it's so fucking embarrassing to listen to her writing/thinking/acting like I did at 21 at her big age of 44. Get a better therapist, start the work, it's hard but my god am I glad that 10 years her junior I'm so much more healed than this.
October 18, 2026
This book is well-written and good at tugging the reader close, and it is about exactly what the subtitle says it is--a memoir of three loves but also a story about making a life almost by accident, expecting you are going to get one kind of life (the love that lasts forever, children, a certain home), and finding out in midlife you have made quite a different one. It is also the story of not knowing what you want (as well as not getting what you're sure you want), and that I found to be as frustrating to read as the writer found living it. There are also two truly wonderful cats and a really satisfying, somewhat feral garden, and some interesting explorations of other kinds of love (mother and daughter, sister and brother, the steady solidness of long-term friendships, even the satisfaction of certain workplaces), and while I know that's not what the subtitle promised, I enjoyed those parts a lot more. I think I'm not the right reader for this book, but I don't want to shoo anyone else away from it, especially not if you are currently looking at the boundaries of your own life and wondering what might be making them feel small.
Thanks to the author, the publisher, and Netgalley for my free earc in exchange for an honest review. My opinions are all my own.
Thanks to the author, the publisher, and Netgalley for my free earc in exchange for an honest review. My opinions are all my own.
October 18, 2026
At times, delightful, funny, heartbreaking, honest, a feast of human emotions, of being female, of growing older. I related to so much, though on the face of it, our lives are so different.
October 21, 2026
Some sharp and fun moments in there, enough to keep me reading, not enough to make it worth it. I wanted takeaways, a real ending, some wisdom about love earned the hard way. What I got was a woman desperate for male affection, making questionable choices on repeat, and relentless me me me energy the entire time. Disappointing.
September 30, 2026
This is the first Sarah Hepola book that I've read, and I'm impressed by her talent, sincerity, humor and research. It made me sad that such a fabulous woman kept falling for a series of such unattainable men, but I love that she figured out what she loved to do and did it, for herself.
I googled her and it appears she did get married a couple years ago, I hope she's very happy. And if not, I really hope she reads Dr Jennie Young's Burned Haystack Dating Method because she should really learn to recognize lines like "I don't understand why you're single," "A woman taking care of you is a wondrous sight," and "I'm bad at texting" as the easily identifiable red flags that they are (interrogation, Are You My Mother? and Weaponized Incompetence).
I googled her and it appears she did get married a couple years ago, I hope she's very happy. And if not, I really hope she reads Dr Jennie Young's Burned Haystack Dating Method because she should really learn to recognize lines like "I don't understand why you're single," "A woman taking care of you is a wondrous sight," and "I'm bad at texting" as the easily identifiable red flags that they are (interrogation, Are You My Mother? and Weaponized Incompetence).
Read
September 24, 2026I was a fan of Blackout, Sarah Hepola's book about her alcoholism and recovery. This is the same masterful writing but I couldn't help that the relationships she writes about in this book- all with unavailable men- and the emotions she expresses in yearning for connection mirror much of what she wrote about in Blackout. The feeling that she traded the addiction to alcohol to an addiction to men who, subconsciously, she knew would not fulfill her and vice versa. I'm looking forward to her next work. Thanks to NetGalley for the eARC.
October 6, 2026
Via my blog: https://bookstalkerblog.wordpress.com/
You can spend a lot of time roaming the hallways of the life you don’t get.
What I thought while I was reading this book is every stranger is a therapist now. People have all the answers to your past, present and future from outside looking in, but don’t look at their lives, which must be perfect. They know how they would live in your shoes, how they would apply their heart in all situations. Isn’t that incredible? Listen, you can be clinical about each path you take, know exactly how to carry yourself, make smart choices, and one day life will give you an obstacle beyond your wildest imaginings. You can be attuned to all the warnings and your hungry little heart will override your senses. We cannot live outside our experience, and you can’t always have access to what the person you are in love with is thinking. It is important to set goals, boundaries whether it is in love, family, career or something as simple as working in your garden. It doesn’t guarantee success, it helps, but if it were magically fabulous, we’d all be high on happiness paired up to the end of days. Naturally we are influenced by our generation, our culture, family and friends. We clash and agree, take things we like and discard what doesn’t work for us. There isn’t a shortage of advice for the taking, tv shows, podcasts, books, therapists, celebrities, when it comes to choosing a partner and keeping them. People may not want to hear this, but often these sage folks get in the way, because we are not all carbon copies. The advice you hear about what- fill in the blank- wants from people who have never met them, or you aren’t going to work every time. You can find the perfect love and make all the best decisions and still grow apart. By the way, some of the experts end up in horrible relationships and divorces too, for the record.
Wanting isn’t always getting. Sometimes getting what you want has strings, and we don’t always know for sure if we want to keep what we want when we get it. If it is pushed on you, it isn’t for you. A lot of pain is caused by buying what the world sells us; it is hard to block the noise and think for ourselves. Of course you make mistakes in love, pick people that are a bad idea, forgive to your detriment, step in messes of your own making, keep returning to the person who pushed you away, it is part of being a flawed human being. Sarah Hepola started out rejecting the regimented dating scene of the past, turned off by the nuclear family her own mother was expected to choose. When Sarah was in college, The Rules were guiding many and mocked by others, she was caught between sexual liberation and shame. Driven to having fun in her twenties and settling down later with ease, things changed when in her thirties, friends started getting married, love was still a mystery to her and in her forties the fear set in that it was over. Intellectually she knows all about feminism, that the future doesn’t have to include marriage and family, but what if she wants that? Where is her unconventional life leading her? What does she want when not influenced by the rest of society?
The reader is granted access to the highs and lows of Sarah’s search for love with three partners and what she discovers about herself along the way. There are regrets, and the memoir could be called In Hindsight just as easily. You know what they say, if only I knew then what I know now… well you would still make mistakes, just new ones. She breaks a lot of rules, because of desire, need, loneliness, and hope but who hasn’t? When you think about it, the rush you get when having a connection with another person often knocks you senseless. Despite the movies, life isn’t a perfect, neat plot whether you lean toward traditional or unconventional lifestyle and love. My takeaway (by that I mean me personally) is, don’t force or try to mirror another’s life, it is your journey. Remember all those voices, well meaning or not, have likely made asses of themselves for love too.
Published September 29, 2026
Random House
The Dial Press
You can spend a lot of time roaming the hallways of the life you don’t get.
What I thought while I was reading this book is every stranger is a therapist now. People have all the answers to your past, present and future from outside looking in, but don’t look at their lives, which must be perfect. They know how they would live in your shoes, how they would apply their heart in all situations. Isn’t that incredible? Listen, you can be clinical about each path you take, know exactly how to carry yourself, make smart choices, and one day life will give you an obstacle beyond your wildest imaginings. You can be attuned to all the warnings and your hungry little heart will override your senses. We cannot live outside our experience, and you can’t always have access to what the person you are in love with is thinking. It is important to set goals, boundaries whether it is in love, family, career or something as simple as working in your garden. It doesn’t guarantee success, it helps, but if it were magically fabulous, we’d all be high on happiness paired up to the end of days. Naturally we are influenced by our generation, our culture, family and friends. We clash and agree, take things we like and discard what doesn’t work for us. There isn’t a shortage of advice for the taking, tv shows, podcasts, books, therapists, celebrities, when it comes to choosing a partner and keeping them. People may not want to hear this, but often these sage folks get in the way, because we are not all carbon copies. The advice you hear about what- fill in the blank- wants from people who have never met them, or you aren’t going to work every time. You can find the perfect love and make all the best decisions and still grow apart. By the way, some of the experts end up in horrible relationships and divorces too, for the record.
Wanting isn’t always getting. Sometimes getting what you want has strings, and we don’t always know for sure if we want to keep what we want when we get it. If it is pushed on you, it isn’t for you. A lot of pain is caused by buying what the world sells us; it is hard to block the noise and think for ourselves. Of course you make mistakes in love, pick people that are a bad idea, forgive to your detriment, step in messes of your own making, keep returning to the person who pushed you away, it is part of being a flawed human being. Sarah Hepola started out rejecting the regimented dating scene of the past, turned off by the nuclear family her own mother was expected to choose. When Sarah was in college, The Rules were guiding many and mocked by others, she was caught between sexual liberation and shame. Driven to having fun in her twenties and settling down later with ease, things changed when in her thirties, friends started getting married, love was still a mystery to her and in her forties the fear set in that it was over. Intellectually she knows all about feminism, that the future doesn’t have to include marriage and family, but what if she wants that? Where is her unconventional life leading her? What does she want when not influenced by the rest of society?
The reader is granted access to the highs and lows of Sarah’s search for love with three partners and what she discovers about herself along the way. There are regrets, and the memoir could be called In Hindsight just as easily. You know what they say, if only I knew then what I know now… well you would still make mistakes, just new ones. She breaks a lot of rules, because of desire, need, loneliness, and hope but who hasn’t? When you think about it, the rush you get when having a connection with another person often knocks you senseless. Despite the movies, life isn’t a perfect, neat plot whether you lean toward traditional or unconventional lifestyle and love. My takeaway (by that I mean me personally) is, don’t force or try to mirror another’s life, it is your journey. Remember all those voices, well meaning or not, have likely made asses of themselves for love too.
Published September 29, 2026
Random House
The Dial Press
Read
November 7, 2026I really enjoyed Blackout, Hepola's previous memoir. This one kept me reading - the prose is sharp, the stories are candid and engrossing - but the experience was intensely frustrating at times. Days after finishing it, though, I am still undecided on a star rating and keep mulling over the central conundrum - why she struggled to achieve the nuclear family of her dreams (and did she truly want that life, the actual prosaic reality of it?). Was it primarily due to her own unresolved issues and/or poor luck, poor timing? Or does her struggle speak to something larger going on, culturally?
As Laura Kipnis wrote in her NYTimes review:
"If teensy, vacuous shreds of affect on a screen now pass for love, then we too have become habituated to wanting too little, to lapping at crumbs and calling it sustenance. [...] I was surprised at how angry reading this book made me, the way reading about an exploited population making bad deals under scarcity conditions is angering. Hepola takes abysmal treatment by men as the way of the world, to be expected rather than protested. Is mutuality simply off the table?
It remains a question whether these scarcity conditions are to some degree self-imposed. 'I was such a terrible combination,' Hepola jokes: 'lonely, with high standards.' And while in theory she wants a partner she can connect with intellectually, in practice those high standards are mainly physical. On her way to meeting the younger man for the first time, she frets that he’ll have 'something wrong with him,' like 'a tic, a scar, a limp.' When he turns out to have 'full lips, thick hair, the dreamy looks of a Hollywood actor,' she falls for him completely. Even after his constant disappearances, there she is, declaring her love, as though his behavior toward her were immaterial.
Maybe reciprocity would be fatal for the kind of love Hepola seems drawn to. Desiring another flawed human you can actually be with is, at some level, petrifying. Because, then what? Once you get what you want, does the fantasy that begets the desire disappear?"
(https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/01/bo...)
Hepola seems to mistake the high of initial attraction and the rollercoaster of an unavailable partner for love/romance. After trying and failing to force a connection with a "nice" and "available" man for whom she feels zero attraction, she seemingly concludes that married women must grit their teeth and force themselves to marry losers with whom they feel no spark, and she isn't willing to settle - which is a rather short-sighted conclusion. She occasionally alludes to the possibility that romantic drama has become a substitute for booze, but never examines this as thoroughly as I wished. I didn't enjoy her gender-essentialist POV, either, and also think that it is not serving her - but she takes a lot of private (well, not so private anymore) pleasure in rebelling against modern liberal feminist thought, as though she is just so defiant and free-thinking, and how is she supposed to know what these kooky millennials and gen z-ers even mean by 'heteronormativity' and 'late-stage capitalism'?! and she seems to seek out men who validate that perspective. I guess she is Gen X, but c'mon. The assumption that the reader cares what she weighed, what she wished she weighed, felt quite dated, as well, but I know that stuff can be deep-seated.
The final section
As Laura Kipnis wrote in her NYTimes review:
"If teensy, vacuous shreds of affect on a screen now pass for love, then we too have become habituated to wanting too little, to lapping at crumbs and calling it sustenance. [...] I was surprised at how angry reading this book made me, the way reading about an exploited population making bad deals under scarcity conditions is angering. Hepola takes abysmal treatment by men as the way of the world, to be expected rather than protested. Is mutuality simply off the table?
It remains a question whether these scarcity conditions are to some degree self-imposed. 'I was such a terrible combination,' Hepola jokes: 'lonely, with high standards.' And while in theory she wants a partner she can connect with intellectually, in practice those high standards are mainly physical. On her way to meeting the younger man for the first time, she frets that he’ll have 'something wrong with him,' like 'a tic, a scar, a limp.' When he turns out to have 'full lips, thick hair, the dreamy looks of a Hollywood actor,' she falls for him completely. Even after his constant disappearances, there she is, declaring her love, as though his behavior toward her were immaterial.
Maybe reciprocity would be fatal for the kind of love Hepola seems drawn to. Desiring another flawed human you can actually be with is, at some level, petrifying. Because, then what? Once you get what you want, does the fantasy that begets the desire disappear?"
(https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/01/bo...)
Hepola seems to mistake the high of initial attraction and the rollercoaster of an unavailable partner for love/romance. After trying and failing to force a connection with a "nice" and "available" man for whom she feels zero attraction, she seemingly concludes that married women must grit their teeth and force themselves to marry losers with whom they feel no spark, and she isn't willing to settle - which is a rather short-sighted conclusion. She occasionally alludes to the possibility that romantic drama has become a substitute for booze, but never examines this as thoroughly as I wished. I didn't enjoy her gender-essentialist POV, either, and also think that it is not serving her - but she takes a lot of private (well, not so private anymore) pleasure in rebelling against modern liberal feminist thought, as though she is just so defiant and free-thinking, and how is she supposed to know what these kooky millennials and gen z-ers even mean by 'heteronormativity' and 'late-stage capitalism'?! and she seems to seek out men who validate that perspective. I guess she is Gen X, but c'mon. The assumption that the reader cares what she weighed, what she wished she weighed, felt quite dated, as well, but I know that stuff can be deep-seated.
The final section
November 9, 2026
Sarah Hepola is one of my Top 3 authors. She is my reminder that other women have lived nearly my exact same existence, and I know how much courage it must have taken to share the parts of her life that she wished had gone differently, that were rooted in shame and/or regret, or that were extremely private. Her stories are a reminder that so many women are not alone in their experiences, and I sincerely hope she doesn't allow any negative voices to drown out the women who feel seen, understood, and deeply validated by her words (me!).
Memorable Quotes:
"You can't make an escape your real life, you'll lose the escape."
"Women on the internet used words that never felt right. Assault. Predatory. Trauma. Maybe. But these things hadn't just happened to me. I had walked into them. I had walked into them, over and over again. Why? Because I was drunk? Because the drunkenness uncorked a need for attention and affection that was close to insatiable? Because I couldn't say no? Because some part of me didn't want to? I read essays saying that women weren't to blame for the trespasses of men. It wasn't our fault. There was nothing we could do. But was that true? Did we want it to be true?"
"Find a man who loves women, because he will remind you of how lovable you are. Beware a man who loves women, because he will love many women."
"Just think, if you don't have a kid, you'll get to keep your body, he said. This was a superficial reason, but not unpersuasive. It hadn't been so long ago that my body was lost to me and I never wanted that exile again. I heard friends mourn their previous shapes, the flesh before it's transformation. Sagging skin was a small price to pay for a child, but it was no small advantage either to be a woman who never paid it."
"Something was wrong with me. I thwacked my head til I was more exhausted than hurt. I needed SOMEthing. What did I NEED? In an earlier life, I would have drowned myself in tequila, vodka. One more dose of forgetting. But now I was stranded in the world of 'you know what you've done'."
"A wise woman knows the difference between a man you build your life alongside, and a man you take to your bed in a bordello AirBNB. I would never confuse the two again."
Memorable Quotes:
"You can't make an escape your real life, you'll lose the escape."
"Women on the internet used words that never felt right. Assault. Predatory. Trauma. Maybe. But these things hadn't just happened to me. I had walked into them. I had walked into them, over and over again. Why? Because I was drunk? Because the drunkenness uncorked a need for attention and affection that was close to insatiable? Because I couldn't say no? Because some part of me didn't want to? I read essays saying that women weren't to blame for the trespasses of men. It wasn't our fault. There was nothing we could do. But was that true? Did we want it to be true?"
"Find a man who loves women, because he will remind you of how lovable you are. Beware a man who loves women, because he will love many women."
"Just think, if you don't have a kid, you'll get to keep your body, he said. This was a superficial reason, but not unpersuasive. It hadn't been so long ago that my body was lost to me and I never wanted that exile again. I heard friends mourn their previous shapes, the flesh before it's transformation. Sagging skin was a small price to pay for a child, but it was no small advantage either to be a woman who never paid it."
"Something was wrong with me. I thwacked my head til I was more exhausted than hurt. I needed SOMEthing. What did I NEED? In an earlier life, I would have drowned myself in tequila, vodka. One more dose of forgetting. But now I was stranded in the world of 'you know what you've done'."
"A wise woman knows the difference between a man you build your life alongside, and a man you take to your bed in a bordello AirBNB. I would never confuse the two again."
October 3, 2026
Huge thanks to the Dial Press, NetGalley, and Penguin Random House for an e-book copy of ‘The Only Thing There is to Want’ in exchange for an honest review.
This is my first book by Sarah Hepola, but apparently her first book, blackout was a hit. In this memoir, we follow Sarah’s years and her struggle with trying to become sober as well as stay sober from married men. Growing up with an old-fashioned and family therapist for a mother, Sarah’s expectations for relationships and marriage were high. Her mother was constantly talking about the importance of marriage, until she finally did get married.
Unfortunately, Sarah went looking for love in all the wrong places and when she did find something, she went about it all wrong. The book focuses on three of her greatest loves. Each one more complicated than the other. Guy one was married, Guy two was young and harder to form a relationship with, and Guy three was a detective she was on and off with, but heavily into. Each one a lesson for her that she refused to learn from. I really enjoyed reading this memoir. I enjoyed the writing (I’m no stranger to foul language and instances). In some instances I could relate to her, HOWEVER! Hepola could make you very annoyed at her and her stupid decisions. I did think the ending could’ve been better, but enjoyed it either way.
This is my first book by Sarah Hepola, but apparently her first book, blackout was a hit. In this memoir, we follow Sarah’s years and her struggle with trying to become sober as well as stay sober from married men. Growing up with an old-fashioned and family therapist for a mother, Sarah’s expectations for relationships and marriage were high. Her mother was constantly talking about the importance of marriage, until she finally did get married.
Unfortunately, Sarah went looking for love in all the wrong places and when she did find something, she went about it all wrong. The book focuses on three of her greatest loves. Each one more complicated than the other. Guy one was married, Guy two was young and harder to form a relationship with, and Guy three was a detective she was on and off with, but heavily into. Each one a lesson for her that she refused to learn from. I really enjoyed reading this memoir. I enjoyed the writing (I’m no stranger to foul language and instances). In some instances I could relate to her, HOWEVER! Hepola could make you very annoyed at her and her stupid decisions. I did think the ending could’ve been better, but enjoyed it either way.
October 14, 2026
It is so refreshing to read a memoir from a single woman whose life didn't work out according to constructs of society's plans and pressures. As a single woman, in my mid 40's, this book about the love and lust , how it comes into our lives and how it impacts our future, family and plans allowed me to feel seen in a way that I don't think I have before. "Did I choose the wrong people?" "Is my picker broken?" "How do I feel both too much and not enough at the same time?" These are questions that I have asked myself a million times.
Sarah Hepola's writing nearly makes you feel like you're reading fiction and you don't want to put it down. The vulnerability in the pages is real and raw and I commend her for being so open and honest with not only herself but with the readers as well.
Thank you to NetGalley for the DRC of this book in exchange for my honest review.
Sarah Hepola's writing nearly makes you feel like you're reading fiction and you don't want to put it down. The vulnerability in the pages is real and raw and I commend her for being so open and honest with not only herself but with the readers as well.
Thank you to NetGalley for the DRC of this book in exchange for my honest review.
September 27, 2026
MINI BOOK REVIEW
The Only Thing There is to Want: A Memoir of Three Loves
By Sarah Hepola
PUB DATE: September 29, 2026
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Thank you @thedialpress @thesarahhepolaexperience for the advance physical copy of this memoir!
I was completely engaged and captivated by Sarah Hepola’s memoir from start to finish! I enjoyed her writing which felt casual and conversational, yet beautiful and lyrical at the same time, if that makes sense. I enjoyed the focus she managed to maintain throughout on the topic of “Three Loves”. Her story is reflective, emotional, raw and vulnerable. I was surprised to find her words and her story so relatable, despite our mostly different life experiences. I highly recommend reading this entertaining and thought provoking memoir!
The Only Thing There is to Want: A Memoir of Three Loves
By Sarah Hepola
PUB DATE: September 29, 2026
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Thank you @thedialpress @thesarahhepolaexperience for the advance physical copy of this memoir!
I was completely engaged and captivated by Sarah Hepola’s memoir from start to finish! I enjoyed her writing which felt casual and conversational, yet beautiful and lyrical at the same time, if that makes sense. I enjoyed the focus she managed to maintain throughout on the topic of “Three Loves”. Her story is reflective, emotional, raw and vulnerable. I was surprised to find her words and her story so relatable, despite our mostly different life experiences. I highly recommend reading this entertaining and thought provoking memoir!
October 7, 2026
I love Sarah Hepola's writing. I found this book totally engrossing. As someone who was completely single for the vast majority of my 20s, with a couple of months of being attached here and there, I could totally relate to the feelings conveyed in this memoir. Late on a Sunday night, halfway deep in a bottle of red wine, whining the lyrics to Rhett Miller's Come around, "Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?" Fuck man, I really thought so. The pain of giving up all those expectations and should've beens. This was beautiful and so good to read. I want her to have all the things she wants. Even if what she wants changes. Laying bare all that hurt. The choices that will be judged. Rediscovering the family that has always been and keeping the hope of love alive.
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