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The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating: Exploring the Challenges, Assumptions, and Land Mines of Dating in the Twenty-First Century
For anyone who is dating or thinking about marriage, pastor and bestselling author Andy Stanley shares practical, uncensored wisdom on avoiding mistakes in the present to help you avoid regrets in the future.
Single? Looking for the "right person"? Convinced that if you met the "right person" everything would turn out "right?" Think again.
In The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating, Andy Stanley explores the challenges, assumptions, and pitfalls associated with dating in the twenty-first century. This guide takes a fresh approach to dating and love in the modern era by turning the search for "the one" back onto the searcher, challenging you to ask yourself tough questions
Am I the person that the person I'm looking for is looking for?Are the Bible's teachings about women relevant today?If sex is only physical, why is the pain of sexual sin so deep?As you dig deep into Stanley's answers, you'll be equipped and empowered to step up and set a new standard for this generation by uncovering the things that create trouble in dating relationships and creating better habits now that will pay off later as you dive into married life.
Praise for The New Rules for Love, Sex, and
"No one speaks more powerfully and practically into the issues of dating and marriage in the twenty-first century than Andy Stanley. The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating is an exceptional resource for anyone seeking to navigate challenging relationship waters and survive in a culture that's confused and complex. Straightforward. Graceful. Truthful. Needed." --Louie Giglio, Passion City Church, Passion Conferences
"Andy's new rules for love, sex, and dating are so wise, so compelling, so clear that I want every single friend I have to read this book, and I want to save a couple copies for my boys, so they can read it in a decade or so." --Shauna Niequist, author of I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet
"Having experienced more than my fair share of destructive, harmful dating relationships, I can authoritatively say that Andy's views on the matter are clear and convicting. Andy so beautifully conveys the message of the unfathomable grace of God, leaving you free to turn a leaf and begin a new dating chapter, making better decisions and living with fewer regrets." —Maggie Bridges, Miss Georgia 2014
Single? Looking for the "right person"? Convinced that if you met the "right person" everything would turn out "right?" Think again.
In The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating, Andy Stanley explores the challenges, assumptions, and pitfalls associated with dating in the twenty-first century. This guide takes a fresh approach to dating and love in the modern era by turning the search for "the one" back onto the searcher, challenging you to ask yourself tough questions
Am I the person that the person I'm looking for is looking for?Are the Bible's teachings about women relevant today?If sex is only physical, why is the pain of sexual sin so deep?As you dig deep into Stanley's answers, you'll be equipped and empowered to step up and set a new standard for this generation by uncovering the things that create trouble in dating relationships and creating better habits now that will pay off later as you dive into married life.
Praise for The New Rules for Love, Sex, and
"No one speaks more powerfully and practically into the issues of dating and marriage in the twenty-first century than Andy Stanley. The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating is an exceptional resource for anyone seeking to navigate challenging relationship waters and survive in a culture that's confused and complex. Straightforward. Graceful. Truthful. Needed." --Louie Giglio, Passion City Church, Passion Conferences
"Andy's new rules for love, sex, and dating are so wise, so compelling, so clear that I want every single friend I have to read this book, and I want to save a couple copies for my boys, so they can read it in a decade or so." --Shauna Niequist, author of I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet
"Having experienced more than my fair share of destructive, harmful dating relationships, I can authoritatively say that Andy's views on the matter are clear and convicting. Andy so beautifully conveys the message of the unfathomable grace of God, leaving you free to turn a leaf and begin a new dating chapter, making better decisions and living with fewer regrets." —Maggie Bridges, Miss Georgia 2014
198 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 25, 2012
240 people are currently reading
1192 people want to read
About the author
Andy Stanley
254 books847 followersAndy Stanley is the senior pastor of North Point Community Church, Buckhead Church, and Browns Bridge Community Church. He also founded North Point Ministries, which is a worldwide Christian organization.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 158 reviews
August 10, 2015
The Kindle version was cheap, $2.99 so I bought it out of a curiosity for what the loyal opposition is doing. While I am a rather poor excuse for a Christian (I like Christmas Trees) with a one way ticket to hell for some matters involving lusting over a bare thigh (in church no less) for which I refuse to ask forgiveness, I am a rather dyed in the wool monogamist. So for the price, I thought I would see what the good pastor has to say.
Actually I was pleasantly surprised. The book starts out fairly secular. Later chapters he drags out the sin and purity and starts thumping the Bible, but if you can get around the rhetoric, for the most part the suggestions in this book are good and would apply to non-religious folks as well as the religious. Let us say that I agree with most of his methods.
His main tenet is that instead of looking for the right partner become the right partner. Become the person that you are looking for. Pretty good advice. He goes a little overboard in my estimation on premarital sex...the sin and purity stuff that doesn't set well me. That said however I will admit that I think he is right, jumping into sex prematurely blinds one to the relationship flaws. Sex is a powerful binding element in human relationships, but it does not guarantee longevity in a committed relationship. He states the way to resolve your relationship issues is with a clear head before you get involved with sex. I agree, but I don't think waiting until your wedding night is a good maneuver for determining your sexual compatibility. But then again I don't find premarital sex conducted in a committed loving relationship with the aim of marriage to be sinful. Am I willing to bet my Soul on that? Yes, but I am not willing to bet yours so read what he has to say and decide for yourself.
While I didn't agree with all he had to say and perhaps the theology behind it, I have to say if you can ignore the churchy hype, this guy has something important to say about love, sex, and marriage.
Actually I was pleasantly surprised. The book starts out fairly secular. Later chapters he drags out the sin and purity and starts thumping the Bible, but if you can get around the rhetoric, for the most part the suggestions in this book are good and would apply to non-religious folks as well as the religious. Let us say that I agree with most of his methods.
His main tenet is that instead of looking for the right partner become the right partner. Become the person that you are looking for. Pretty good advice. He goes a little overboard in my estimation on premarital sex...the sin and purity stuff that doesn't set well me. That said however I will admit that I think he is right, jumping into sex prematurely blinds one to the relationship flaws. Sex is a powerful binding element in human relationships, but it does not guarantee longevity in a committed relationship. He states the way to resolve your relationship issues is with a clear head before you get involved with sex. I agree, but I don't think waiting until your wedding night is a good maneuver for determining your sexual compatibility. But then again I don't find premarital sex conducted in a committed loving relationship with the aim of marriage to be sinful. Am I willing to bet my Soul on that? Yes, but I am not willing to bet yours so read what he has to say and decide for yourself.
While I didn't agree with all he had to say and perhaps the theology behind it, I have to say if you can ignore the churchy hype, this guy has something important to say about love, sex, and marriage.
February 18, 2021
An excellent, practical look at relationships that I found more useful than I expected. The book walks a healthy line of extending grace while also explaining many of the pitfalls inherent in modern dating culture. Andy Stanley writes as a Christian but not necessarily for Christians. He doesn't say "don't have sex before marriage because the Bible says so." Instead, he lays out the case for true intimacy in relationships and why waiting is better.
I approached this one with tangled motivation. As someone influenced early on by Josh Harris's I Kissed Dating Goodbye dating culture, I know how fast "purity talks" can become unhealthy. On the flip side, I'm a single 20-something so I've also seen the many problems with our culture's approach to love. While I didn't glean anything "new" from this read, I found it convicting. A really good reminder about why Christians hold certain standards.
I approached this one with tangled motivation. As someone influenced early on by Josh Harris's I Kissed Dating Goodbye dating culture, I know how fast "purity talks" can become unhealthy. On the flip side, I'm a single 20-something so I've also seen the many problems with our culture's approach to love. While I didn't glean anything "new" from this read, I found it convicting. A really good reminder about why Christians hold certain standards.
January 8, 2015
A special thank you to Zondervan and NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Andy Stanley's North Point Ministries was named the Largest Church in America, this past year, and now he delivers as extraordinary fresh new look at sex, dating, and marriage— “Old Fashioned is the New Fashion”, with his insightful book, THE NEW RULES FOR LOVE, SEX, AND DATING.
The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating is a discussion guide developed for use with the four-session video, which complements and expands the material in the book. While the material in the discussion guide is intended for use with the video, some of the discussion questions will also reflect content used in the book.
The four video sessions VIDEO CLIPS HERE covering the themes of the book:
Overview
1 The Right Person Myth
2 Gentleman's Club
3 Designer Sex
4 If I Were You
This book is also meant for married couples as well as singles and even for those, like myself not dating but may have grown single children or grandchildren, or for use in the leadership of young adults.
As we all are aware, sex is leveraged to sell just about everything. Actually the promise of no strings-attached sex with a way above-average-looking person is used to sell just about everything. Sexual scandals among politicians, athletes, and celebrities. Infidelity is woven into the plot of just about every form of entertainment that involves a plot.
As you process the issues and questions surrounding your sexuality and expressions of your sexuality, don’t forget the broader context – sex isn’t just physical. It’s one component of a multifaceted biological, physiological, and psychological miracle that is you. So cherish it, protect it, preserve it, reserve it!
I loved this part: The present will be your past, which will be present in your future. Namely, pain you will experience later because of decisions you are making right now. People drag their past in their marriage and future. When sexuality and chemistry and passion dies – because they are no good at relationships.
As Stanley reiterates, God did not design marriage to fix people’s flaws. In fact, our flaws are often magnified in marriage. So flawed people bring problems into a marriage and bringing others into the mix like children will not solve the underlying problem.
So why not start now becoming the person your future spouse wants and needs. Your preparation now is worth much more than your commitment later. Pick an area of your life – debt, unresolved past issues, bad habits, dress, boundaries – and set a goal then list the steps that will put you on a path toward achieving that goal and becoming who the person - the person you’re looking for, is looking for.
Whether you still in the game, or back in a season of looking for the love of your life, this book can help. Sex and sexuality are a bit like fire. Fire in its proper context, it’s extremely destructive. The same is true for all things sexual. If you never been married or are under thirty, even if you have lived with someone you underestimate the complexity of your sexuality and the long-term ramifications of your sexual conduct.
As Stanley uses the example: “Sex is like nutrition", regardless of your taste and preferences, nutritional principles determine the outcome of what you eat. Our bodies share a similar design when it comes to our sexuality to be expressed within a specific context. You can choose to express your sexuality outside the parameters of that divine design. But you can’t choose the outcome. If you’re like most people you’ll do everything in your power to control the outcome. But eventually you will lose that battle as well, perhaps you’ve experienced the futility of trying to control outcomes.
Romance is fueled by exclusivity. Practice makes perfect does not apply to sex. This is why practice undermines the essence of romance. You have no control over when or if you’ll meet your right person. What you can control is what you do in the meantime. So become the person you’re looking for and they are looking for; prepare to commit. Who knows there may be someone out there preparing for you as well!
On a Personal Note:
Andy Stanley is a former pastor of mine, and have enjoyed his teachings, Christian leadership, and his insightful books, as well as his father, Dr. Charles Stanley.
When I moved to Atlanta in early 1994, my sons were away at college in another state; I was single, divorced, and in my late thirties. I was fortunate to become an integral part of what is now North Point Ministries, from the beginning of its inception in l995.
For the first three years we met every other Sunday night in rented facilities, and when the Olympics came to town, we were unable to meet for nine weeks. Later the land was purchased in Alpharetta, GA and construction began –what is now North Point –some great times, a huge singles group, and many budding friendships grew out of this fabulous foundation.
However, since I lived in Buckhead, was thrilled when in 2001, became a part of the Buckhead Church and again we held services in rented facilities in different areas of town. I was part of the group meeting in a renovated grocery store each week on Roswell Road that first Easter Sunday in 2003 in Buckhead, and later became an active member, a pre-school director and a women’s small group leader in the church.
It was so exciting with the preparations building our new church; however, I relocated, for work to Florida in 2006 and have been here since. I missed the permanent facility at Tower Place in the heart of Buckhead in May 2007 where the church is thriving today. (Cannot wait to go back for a visit). However, even though in Florida, I often read Andy Stanley’s books, and listen to his messages online—recalling those precious days under his leadership and the wonderful fellowship and supportive group of singles and friends. (All singles need friends like these)!
Highly Recommend!
Buy NEW RULES FOR LOVE, SEX, AND DATING a thought-provoking guide and listen to the videos. No matter where you are in your life or your spiritual journey – it will change how you think about the present and the future. Well done! Miss you guys at Buckhead Church Atlanta.
Judith D. Collins Must Read Books
Andy Stanley's North Point Ministries was named the Largest Church in America, this past year, and now he delivers as extraordinary fresh new look at sex, dating, and marriage— “Old Fashioned is the New Fashion”, with his insightful book, THE NEW RULES FOR LOVE, SEX, AND DATING.
The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating is a discussion guide developed for use with the four-session video, which complements and expands the material in the book. While the material in the discussion guide is intended for use with the video, some of the discussion questions will also reflect content used in the book.
The four video sessions VIDEO CLIPS HERE covering the themes of the book:
Overview
1 The Right Person Myth
2 Gentleman's Club
3 Designer Sex
4 If I Were You
This book is also meant for married couples as well as singles and even for those, like myself not dating but may have grown single children or grandchildren, or for use in the leadership of young adults.
As we all are aware, sex is leveraged to sell just about everything. Actually the promise of no strings-attached sex with a way above-average-looking person is used to sell just about everything. Sexual scandals among politicians, athletes, and celebrities. Infidelity is woven into the plot of just about every form of entertainment that involves a plot.
As you process the issues and questions surrounding your sexuality and expressions of your sexuality, don’t forget the broader context – sex isn’t just physical. It’s one component of a multifaceted biological, physiological, and psychological miracle that is you. So cherish it, protect it, preserve it, reserve it!
I loved this part: The present will be your past, which will be present in your future. Namely, pain you will experience later because of decisions you are making right now. People drag their past in their marriage and future. When sexuality and chemistry and passion dies – because they are no good at relationships.
As Stanley reiterates, God did not design marriage to fix people’s flaws. In fact, our flaws are often magnified in marriage. So flawed people bring problems into a marriage and bringing others into the mix like children will not solve the underlying problem.
So why not start now becoming the person your future spouse wants and needs. Your preparation now is worth much more than your commitment later. Pick an area of your life – debt, unresolved past issues, bad habits, dress, boundaries – and set a goal then list the steps that will put you on a path toward achieving that goal and becoming who the person - the person you’re looking for, is looking for.
Whether you still in the game, or back in a season of looking for the love of your life, this book can help. Sex and sexuality are a bit like fire. Fire in its proper context, it’s extremely destructive. The same is true for all things sexual. If you never been married or are under thirty, even if you have lived with someone you underestimate the complexity of your sexuality and the long-term ramifications of your sexual conduct.
As Stanley uses the example: “Sex is like nutrition", regardless of your taste and preferences, nutritional principles determine the outcome of what you eat. Our bodies share a similar design when it comes to our sexuality to be expressed within a specific context. You can choose to express your sexuality outside the parameters of that divine design. But you can’t choose the outcome. If you’re like most people you’ll do everything in your power to control the outcome. But eventually you will lose that battle as well, perhaps you’ve experienced the futility of trying to control outcomes.
Romance is fueled by exclusivity. Practice makes perfect does not apply to sex. This is why practice undermines the essence of romance. You have no control over when or if you’ll meet your right person. What you can control is what you do in the meantime. So become the person you’re looking for and they are looking for; prepare to commit. Who knows there may be someone out there preparing for you as well!
On a Personal Note:
Andy Stanley is a former pastor of mine, and have enjoyed his teachings, Christian leadership, and his insightful books, as well as his father, Dr. Charles Stanley.
When I moved to Atlanta in early 1994, my sons were away at college in another state; I was single, divorced, and in my late thirties. I was fortunate to become an integral part of what is now North Point Ministries, from the beginning of its inception in l995.
For the first three years we met every other Sunday night in rented facilities, and when the Olympics came to town, we were unable to meet for nine weeks. Later the land was purchased in Alpharetta, GA and construction began –what is now North Point –some great times, a huge singles group, and many budding friendships grew out of this fabulous foundation.
However, since I lived in Buckhead, was thrilled when in 2001, became a part of the Buckhead Church and again we held services in rented facilities in different areas of town. I was part of the group meeting in a renovated grocery store each week on Roswell Road that first Easter Sunday in 2003 in Buckhead, and later became an active member, a pre-school director and a women’s small group leader in the church.
It was so exciting with the preparations building our new church; however, I relocated, for work to Florida in 2006 and have been here since. I missed the permanent facility at Tower Place in the heart of Buckhead in May 2007 where the church is thriving today. (Cannot wait to go back for a visit). However, even though in Florida, I often read Andy Stanley’s books, and listen to his messages online—recalling those precious days under his leadership and the wonderful fellowship and supportive group of singles and friends. (All singles need friends like these)!
Highly Recommend!
Buy NEW RULES FOR LOVE, SEX, AND DATING a thought-provoking guide and listen to the videos. No matter where you are in your life or your spiritual journey – it will change how you think about the present and the future. Well done! Miss you guys at Buckhead Church Atlanta.
Judith D. Collins Must Read Books
July 3, 2023
I haven’t been updating goodreads in months… so here I am to try again.
This book was extremely practical. It asks good questions. I had a ton of self-evaluation I had to do during and after reading this. Solid read!
This book was extremely practical. It asks good questions. I had a ton of self-evaluation I had to do during and after reading this. Solid read!
February 21, 2022
“Become the person the person you’re looking for is looking for.”
With his straight forward and easy-to-read writing style, Andy Stanley does a great job defining the ways to “prepare before the promise”. In this book, Stanley calls single people to look at 1 Corinthians 13 for goals and guidelines of how to become ready for both dating and marriage: “Master this list and find someone who has mastered it”. During my year of singleness, I will return to this book many times for guidance surrounding addressing my past, breaking habits and setting standards.
Overall, great read. Would highly recommend (especially if you’re single lol).
With his straight forward and easy-to-read writing style, Andy Stanley does a great job defining the ways to “prepare before the promise”. In this book, Stanley calls single people to look at 1 Corinthians 13 for goals and guidelines of how to become ready for both dating and marriage: “Master this list and find someone who has mastered it”. During my year of singleness, I will return to this book many times for guidance surrounding addressing my past, breaking habits and setting standards.
Overall, great read. Would highly recommend (especially if you’re single lol).
May 2, 2021
A very brief, very simple, but still useful introduction to romance and sexuality within the Christian context. This would be a good book to introduce to non-Christians as well. The basic idea is that a person should examine what they want in a relationship and work to improve themselves, instead of finding the right person. Stanley keeps it very accessible, and this could be an advantage for cursory readers or non-readers who want something super easy.
But I kept wishing Stanley would do more. Every time he was making a good point, I wanted him to dive deeper, to explain more context, to cite more scripture, to really make his case. But he flits from thing to thing, jumping a little too quickly from one idea to the next for my tastes. This felt like the student workbook, and I wanted the teacher's edition.
But I kept wishing Stanley would do more. Every time he was making a good point, I wanted him to dive deeper, to explain more context, to cite more scripture, to really make his case. But he flits from thing to thing, jumping a little too quickly from one idea to the next for my tastes. This felt like the student workbook, and I wanted the teacher's edition.
January 31, 2023
At times, Stanley can lapse into a style that is trite / “tongue in cheek” enough to feel patronizing. This distracted from the power of his effective arguments. So his style was a 3, but his ideas, aside from not having enough supporting evidence outside his own experience were a 5 or pretty dang close. So, style could be less corny, but his ideas were top notch and his experience yielded truth that was fruitful. In my mind, Stanley easily ranks as one of the top 10 communicators alive today.
"Patience is the decision to move at someone else's pace rather than pressure him or her to match yours. Patience is choosing to do less than you are capable of for the sake of keeping in step with someone else."
"Kindness is love's response to weakness."
If you feel the need to justify something you have done, it probably wasn't just.
"Patience is the decision to move at someone else's pace rather than pressure him or her to match yours. Patience is choosing to do less than you are capable of for the sake of keeping in step with someone else."
"Kindness is love's response to weakness."
If you feel the need to justify something you have done, it probably wasn't just.
January 25, 2025
I think the content and overall message of the book was convicting and inspiring. I like the message of becoming the right person rather than finding the right person. I also liked how the book was written from the perspective of how to live your life starting now no matter what point you’re currently at and not starting off expecting the reader to be perfect. The inclusion and break down of bible evidence added to the impact of his message.
I really enjoyed chapter 5 where he broke down 1 corinthians 13:4-8 and explained ways to apply this verse to our lives right now
I do think he came across sexist at times in his ideas of how “all men” think and “all women act” I think these were broad and oversimplified.
I read this book for my bible class, but overall i’m glad it was assigned.
I really enjoyed chapter 5 where he broke down 1 corinthians 13:4-8 and explained ways to apply this verse to our lives right now
I do think he came across sexist at times in his ideas of how “all men” think and “all women act” I think these were broad and oversimplified.
I read this book for my bible class, but overall i’m glad it was assigned.
December 15, 2022
A required reading for class. Definite paradigm shift.
January 9, 2015
LOVED this book! It needs to be read by every Christian teen!
I received a copy of The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating to facilitate this review.
This review originally appeared on Home Grown Families
I am keeping The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating by Andy Stanley until my 11 year old twin girls are old enough to read it. Why? Because it says everything that I want to say to my girls , and it says it better than I ever could.
I received a copy of The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating to facilitate this review.
This review originally appeared on Home Grown Families
I am keeping The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating by Andy Stanley until my 11 year old twin girls are old enough to read it. Why? Because it says everything that I want to say to my girls , and it says it better than I ever could.
In New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating, pastor and bestselling author Andy Stanley provides practical, biblical, uncensored advice to anyone who is dating or thinking about marriage. Stanley outlines the triumphs and tragedies of dating in the twenty-first century.
A few days before I started reading this book, one of my oldest girlfriends and I were talking about how our parents talked to us about sex. Both sets, having the same views, basically told us "It's bad to have sex before marriage." and that was it.
When we tell kids "No." with no reasoning, there is no way they're going to follow through with our creed. Kids, and young adults, want to know why. There is an ingrained curiosity in kids of all ages to know the who, what, where, when, and why of all things. Only when they know the reason behind the statement, will they consider adopting it as their own beliefs. We literally set our children up for failure when we don't explain why we wait for marriage to have sex.
The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating starts out with a chapter titled "The Right Person Myth" that takes on the Hollywood belief that when we find the right person, we will finally be OK. Andy Stanley debunks this theory but, more importantly, he expands on it in continuing chapter. He comes up with a brilliant line that I am going to use on my girls: "Are you the person the person you're looking for is looking for?" This line basically sums up the book. I loved it! What a concept! You need to be the kind of person that the kind of person you want will actually want. This is a life truth that needs to be taught more than it is. It would change lives if we managed to get our children to understand this concept before they left the house so that they could apply it to all aspects of their lives. Jobs, relationships, etc.
Stanley really gets into the good stuff starting with Chapter 6 "The Gentleman's Club" where he talks about how to treat a woman. This is left out of so many books, and young men are left to figure it out on their own. I love that Stanley laid it down in this Chapter about how God and Jesus actually LOVE women! They adore women and expect them to be lifted up, respected, cherished and valued. There is no chapter in this book about being a submissive wife, just reminders to men that Jesus consistently elevated the status of women while he was here and how men are expected to do the same. This is not talked about enough in relationship books and I applaud Andy Stanley for adding it.
Stanley uses Chapter 7 "The Way Forward" to talk about porn. He doesn't just talk about how bad it is and that it goes against God's plans, but he explains why it can harm you in the long run. And he suggests getting help for it before you start dating. Again, not another chapter with rules and no explanation, Stanley does a great job of breaking it down so that it makes sense to young minds.
Perhaps the best chapters of The New Rules are the last two, "The Talk" and "Designer Sex." I can't explain all the brilliance of this book in my review because it's something best left to Stanley. He gets it! He explains it so well, that I was like "OOOOHHHHHHH!! That makes so much sense!" and I automatically wished someone had explained it like that to me. It is so perfect and exactly what I want my girls to understand before they leave my house. That's why I'm saving this book until my girls are old enough to read and discuss it.
Andy Stanley managed to put into black and white what parents have been struggling to say for decades, and he does it with such a great sense of humor. I laughed out loud several times while reading because of Stanley's sarcastic humor. I seriously can not recommend this book enough.
August 2, 2018
A couple of positives: Really great wisdom for a De-christianized nation. Anyone that follows his advice will be relationally successful. “Sex is wonderfully so it should be pursued but sex is powerful so it should be revered”. Quotes like that along with others is a great apologetic that gets behind the “why” of having a Christian view of love, sex and dating is beneficial but here comes the problem
A couple of cons: The only thing I can say is new about this book is its ability to talk about Christian sexuality while stripping it of its purpose and power. It strips its purpose by directing the only meaning of marriage as being temporally beneficial but not God glorifying . This is painfully obvious. It’s strips marriage of its power not by avoiding talking about how powerful sexuality is but rather by not telling us that all these tips are completely intangible unless we become a new creation in Christ.
Finally thoughts: I am not saying that Andy does not believe the things he does not mention. I am stating that for the sake of apologetics he surrenders God’s glory and power in marriage in this book. My concluding statement would add some irony to the fact that he states in the book that we often know it’s the right person before we actually know them. However he does not take this approach with churches. He suggest to find the biggest church in your area and it just has to be big for a good reason. That’s where I think this book fails. Pragmatism will lead people to a form of godliness that not only denies his power but his deserved glory.
A couple of cons: The only thing I can say is new about this book is its ability to talk about Christian sexuality while stripping it of its purpose and power. It strips its purpose by directing the only meaning of marriage as being temporally beneficial but not God glorifying . This is painfully obvious. It’s strips marriage of its power not by avoiding talking about how powerful sexuality is but rather by not telling us that all these tips are completely intangible unless we become a new creation in Christ.
Finally thoughts: I am not saying that Andy does not believe the things he does not mention. I am stating that for the sake of apologetics he surrenders God’s glory and power in marriage in this book. My concluding statement would add some irony to the fact that he states in the book that we often know it’s the right person before we actually know them. However he does not take this approach with churches. He suggest to find the biggest church in your area and it just has to be big for a good reason. That’s where I think this book fails. Pragmatism will lead people to a form of godliness that not only denies his power but his deserved glory.
November 11, 2017
OK here's the thing - Andy Stanley just really gets under my skin. Everything he talks about just seems to be him saying "What you know is wrong. You're wrong. What I know is right. And I'm going to change your life by telling you this." What I'm sure he means is "what our culture has told you is wrong, what God tells you is right" but it doesn't come off that way, at least to me.
As for this book - good stuff. Everyone can get at least something from it I'm sure. And the whole "becoming the right person" is good advice, I'm just not sure the motivation for becoming a better person ought to be to find a spouse. As for me, well, I already held all of the beliefs expressed in this book. And to have everything presented as "you don't know about any of this, let me reveal to you the secrets of good relationships" just didn't fly with me, since I've grown up knowing all this.
That's not to say the ideas presented in this book are bad, like I said I already hold them. It's just the way they're presented seemed a little condescending. Do I recommend this book? Sure. There's some good stuff in it. Do I think it'll drastically change your view of relationships? I can't say. It didn't for me, but then again I'm an oddity.
(Note: someone I respect gave me this book to read, and that's why I did.)
As for this book - good stuff. Everyone can get at least something from it I'm sure. And the whole "becoming the right person" is good advice, I'm just not sure the motivation for becoming a better person ought to be to find a spouse. As for me, well, I already held all of the beliefs expressed in this book. And to have everything presented as "you don't know about any of this, let me reveal to you the secrets of good relationships" just didn't fly with me, since I've grown up knowing all this.
That's not to say the ideas presented in this book are bad, like I said I already hold them. It's just the way they're presented seemed a little condescending. Do I recommend this book? Sure. There's some good stuff in it. Do I think it'll drastically change your view of relationships? I can't say. It didn't for me, but then again I'm an oddity.
(Note: someone I respect gave me this book to read, and that's why I did.)
May 15, 2021
Stanley provides practical advice for those interested in moving towards "becoming the person the person you're looking for is looking for." While nothing was very ground-breaking or "new" to read, the practical side is helpful for individuals seeking ideas of how to become the "person."
Why I didn't give it high marks is because I've never been a fan of Christian-based relationship books which set aside chapters specific to men only, encouraging women to read ahead as though the content wouldn't apply to them. The chapters dedicated to men as is common in Christian-based books I've read highlight issues such as objectifying women and pornography. What I find disappointing is the assumption that women don't struggle with pornography or objectifying men and are not the ones to kick relationships into high gear. While statistically, men may struggle with pornography more, there is growing research to indicate this is common for many women too. I think it important when sex is addressed towards women it be more than just "modesty" conversations. This is a type of objectifying Christian women too as the primary message women then hear is that the issues of sex have to do with how much or how little they cover themselves up. There's so much more to it than that for women. Overall, a decent read but I definitely thought, "Here we go again" when I approached chapters 6.
Why I didn't give it high marks is because I've never been a fan of Christian-based relationship books which set aside chapters specific to men only, encouraging women to read ahead as though the content wouldn't apply to them. The chapters dedicated to men as is common in Christian-based books I've read highlight issues such as objectifying women and pornography. What I find disappointing is the assumption that women don't struggle with pornography or objectifying men and are not the ones to kick relationships into high gear. While statistically, men may struggle with pornography more, there is growing research to indicate this is common for many women too. I think it important when sex is addressed towards women it be more than just "modesty" conversations. This is a type of objectifying Christian women too as the primary message women then hear is that the issues of sex have to do with how much or how little they cover themselves up. There's so much more to it than that for women. Overall, a decent read but I definitely thought, "Here we go again" when I approached chapters 6.
April 25, 2022
I throughly enjoyed this read from Andy Stanley!
I found it to be very thought-provoking and motivating to become the person the person you are looking for is looking for!
If you’re looking for a book that offers a Christian view as opposed to a worldly view on life, sex, and dating, make sure you add this to your to-read list!
I found it to be very thought-provoking and motivating to become the person the person you are looking for is looking for!
If you’re looking for a book that offers a Christian view as opposed to a worldly view on life, sex, and dating, make sure you add this to your to-read list!
July 11, 2025
The content within the book was good…some big claims would’ve been more effective with stats to back it up. The one thing I could not get behind was the authors tone throughout the book. I found there to be a lot of shaming where he could have empowered, particularly regarding women. Also his whole spiel about men not sexually assaulting women (“saying no to your hit-her-with-a-club-and-drag-her-to-your-cave instinct”) and then reciting its benefits (?!) for men was disgusting….men shouldn’t need to be incentivised for not sexually assaulting women!!!!
Nevertheless, there were a lot of good takeaways from the book which I can appreciate, I just don’t appreciate the authors approach to sharing them.
Nevertheless, there were a lot of good takeaways from the book which I can appreciate, I just don’t appreciate the authors approach to sharing them.
December 28, 2022
4.75 I read this book with my boyfriend, and it really helped us to clarify many things about why God designs dating in certain ways. The writing style can be a bit confusing sometimes, but at the same time it’s very entertaining and engaging too. Would really recommend it if you are either in dating phase or in the process of looking for your Mr. or Ms. right.
March 20, 2022
This book was highly recommend to me from a friend, and I highly recommend this to anyone who is not married.
The main premise is something I’ve been starting to realize, but Andy Stanley puts it in a very clear and concise way: Be the person, the person you’re looking for, is looking for.
The main premise is something I’ve been starting to realize, but Andy Stanley puts it in a very clear and concise way: Be the person, the person you’re looking for, is looking for.
left-unfinished
November 8, 2021was going to read this so I could make a Dua Lipa joke in my review but life is too short to spend 5 hours listening to a smug Andy Stanley telling you you’re not special
June 1, 2023
Not so much about how to date as how to become a healthy person in the area of dating.
October 31, 2014
***ARC generously supplied by Netgalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review****
To be quite succinct, this book was spot-on! Why? Because not only was it full of “real talk”, but it was also non-judgmental, empathetic, hilarious, and full of wisdom that anyone can appreciate. For those who really want to get married, listening to what this man has to say will really help you (if you want to be helped).
For far too long, we as a society have been saddled with this false notion that in order to be connected with our “plus one” (i.e. soul mate, the right one, future husband, future wife, significant other, etc), that we don’t have to change a thing about ourselves. If we don’t make an effort to change the “crap” that will drive someone nuts, then how can we expect to attract someone who has their “crap” together as well?
Life doesn’t have to be complicated. A lot of times, we make it complicated because we close our eyes and ignore the blaring lights that attempt to warn us against stumbling blindly into one meaningless relationship after another. (By the way, I absolutely loved Andy Stanley’s comparison of frequent casual sexual relationships to being like a well worn piece of tape, that’s constantly ripped off, and applied to one surface after another. Considering the amount of junky residue that the worn piece of tape has on it, just makes one think really think about their “connections”…)
It’s not often that I read a book written by a Pastor, who sidesteps religiosity and tells it like it is. Andy Stanley definitely has the goods in regards to being able to relate to people, in a way that leaves one feeling hopeful, instead of ashamed and condemned.
After having read this book, I can truly say that my eyes are wide open, and I look forward to doing the work that will prepare me to be “the one that the one that I’m looking for, is looking for.”
Giving this one: 5 stars
To be quite succinct, this book was spot-on! Why? Because not only was it full of “real talk”, but it was also non-judgmental, empathetic, hilarious, and full of wisdom that anyone can appreciate. For those who really want to get married, listening to what this man has to say will really help you (if you want to be helped).
For far too long, we as a society have been saddled with this false notion that in order to be connected with our “plus one” (i.e. soul mate, the right one, future husband, future wife, significant other, etc), that we don’t have to change a thing about ourselves. If we don’t make an effort to change the “crap” that will drive someone nuts, then how can we expect to attract someone who has their “crap” together as well?
Life doesn’t have to be complicated. A lot of times, we make it complicated because we close our eyes and ignore the blaring lights that attempt to warn us against stumbling blindly into one meaningless relationship after another. (By the way, I absolutely loved Andy Stanley’s comparison of frequent casual sexual relationships to being like a well worn piece of tape, that’s constantly ripped off, and applied to one surface after another. Considering the amount of junky residue that the worn piece of tape has on it, just makes one think really think about their “connections”…)
It’s not often that I read a book written by a Pastor, who sidesteps religiosity and tells it like it is. Andy Stanley definitely has the goods in regards to being able to relate to people, in a way that leaves one feeling hopeful, instead of ashamed and condemned.
After having read this book, I can truly say that my eyes are wide open, and I look forward to doing the work that will prepare me to be “the one that the one that I’m looking for, is looking for.”
Giving this one: 5 stars
April 9, 2018
The book you need to read if you want to understand the value of abstaining from sex until marriage. It was written in a non preachy non judgemental way that makes you want to continuing reading even if you didn't agree at first. I recommend this book to anyone Christian & non Christian alike if you desire a relationship deeper than sex.
May 17, 2015
Amazing read! I will reference this book for a long time.
July 10, 2022
Very impressed. Didn't intend to finish this on Valentine's Day.
Recommended by: Christiana
Recommended by: Christiana
November 3, 2020
Un gran manual
La forma en que nos enseñan sobre el sexo está muy equivocada. Este libro es un faro de luz en medio de las tinieblas. ¡Nos orienta de la mejor manera!
La forma en que nos enseñan sobre el sexo está muy equivocada. Este libro es un faro de luz en medio de las tinieblas. ¡Nos orienta de la mejor manera!
October 13, 2021
I don't subscribe to any religious beliefs, and usually get turned off by Bible's quotes in books, even those where I enjoy the author overall.
I never heard of Andy, and as soon as he referred we was a pastor the first thought that came into my head was: "were we go again... 2021, and here I'm reading another "god said" book... I couldn't be more wrong.
It's not an overstatement to say that this was one of the best books I've read this year, and religious beliefs aside Andy is a pure genius! The book is a page turner, that keeps you engaged though the ideal mix of content, humor and blunt affirmations. I'll go as far as saying that if I ever discover a church with a pastor/priest with half the quality of thoughts of Andy, I'll sign up and become an avid Sunday church boy.
This book reminds me more of the awesome work of Alain de Botton regarding romanticism than what I would imagine a pastor would write.
The 💎 of thoughts presented here are too many to quote in this review, but I would love to have read this book a couple of years back, it might change my life deeply. I'm just thankful to have found it now and I'm sure it will be wisdom that will accompany me throughout my life.
Usually I keep my highlights out of reviews, but Andy's work is so awesome that it truly deserves some highlights to get you reading :D
I never heard of Andy, and as soon as he referred we was a pastor the first thought that came into my head was: "were we go again... 2021, and here I'm reading another "god said" book... I couldn't be more wrong.
It's not an overstatement to say that this was one of the best books I've read this year, and religious beliefs aside Andy is a pure genius! The book is a page turner, that keeps you engaged though the ideal mix of content, humor and blunt affirmations. I'll go as far as saying that if I ever discover a church with a pastor/priest with half the quality of thoughts of Andy, I'll sign up and become an avid Sunday church boy.
This book reminds me more of the awesome work of Alain de Botton regarding romanticism than what I would imagine a pastor would write.
The 💎 of thoughts presented here are too many to quote in this review, but I would love to have read this book a couple of years back, it might change my life deeply. I'm just thankful to have found it now and I'm sure it will be wisdom that will accompany me throughout my life.
Usually I keep my highlights out of reviews, but Andy's work is so awesome that it truly deserves some highlights to get you reading :D
“While it’s true that you’re a one-of-a-kind person, your story is not a one-of-a-kind story; it’s original to you, but it’s not original. And that’s a good thing. The fact that your story isn’t original is what makes it possible for someone like me to offer advice and suggest a new approach. If you embrace the myths that your story is a story unto itself, that your experience is unique to you, and that your love life is like no one else’s, then you will find it easy to dismiss everything I’m about to suggest. You’ll see yourself as the exception to every rule. While it’s true that you’re exceptional, you are not an exception. It’s this disturbing discovery that moves the fifty-plus crowd in our churches to cheer me on whenever I address this topic. They’ve lived long enough to recognize just how unexceptional we all really are.”
“The myth isn’t, There’s a right person for you out there somewhere. There may very well be. The myth is that once you find the right person, everything will be all right.”
“Romance is like a fog. Nobody sees clearly. Couples begin to believe no one has ever loved the way they love. Not their mommas or their grandmommas. Not Romeo and Juliet. Not ”
“You are sexually compatible with far more people than you are relationally compatible with.”
“Saying “I do” doesn’t make a person capable, only accountable. When you’re accountable for something you’re not capable of, you will eventually be miserable. ”
“ I don’t believe that people change people. And I don’t believe that people change for people. People change themselves. People change themselves when they get sick and tired of themselves, when the pain of staying the same is too great to bear or there’s a goal so enticing that it draws them away from what and who they used to be.
But no one depends his or her way to change. People depend their way into dependency. Dependency leads to a loss of self-respect, which often leads to a loss of respect from the person the dependent person is depending upon. And that usually leads to a loss of relationship.”
“I've never met a couple that wished they had moved faster. I have talked to hundreds of fresh-out-of-a-relationship individuals who wished they had moved slower.”
“you must become. You must become intentional about becoming the person the person you’re looking for is looking for.”
“couples generally don’t have relationship problems. They have problems they bring to the relationship. The better you that you bring, the fewer problems you bring with you.”
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 27, 2021
This book is designed more for those in the college years, 20s, and older. High school students could read it as a warning or guide. While it is written from a faith/Christian perspective, Stanley addresses those who might not be believers so that his advice is useful to them too.
The book can be read in a couple of days or you can listen to the audiobook. It feels like the book is focused more on men and their attitudes and behaviors. But he also provides great guidance to women as well, including what to demand and not settle for.
From a biblical perspective, he turns the common notion of love from being a feeling to being actions. He reshapes how a guy or girl are to view the other - as someone made in the image of God and therefore deserving only the highest level of respect. It’s also a book that challenges the reader to focus on their own life, attitudes, actions, etc and adjusting those instead of trying to fix someone else or expecting everything to just miraculously work. My favorite analogy used is the concept of seeing other drivers on the interstate who are going in the same direction you are. Whereas, you don’t see the faces of those going in the opposite direction. The idea being, you should align yourself with someone who is headed the same direction you are - or you need to make changes so you are headed in the same direction as someone you’d like to be with is (as long as it’s a positive direction).
Excellent advice throughout the book. I’d highly recommend youth ministers use this with their older high school students or parents, mentors, etc recommend it to their college and adult-age children.
The book can be read in a couple of days or you can listen to the audiobook. It feels like the book is focused more on men and their attitudes and behaviors. But he also provides great guidance to women as well, including what to demand and not settle for.
From a biblical perspective, he turns the common notion of love from being a feeling to being actions. He reshapes how a guy or girl are to view the other - as someone made in the image of God and therefore deserving only the highest level of respect. It’s also a book that challenges the reader to focus on their own life, attitudes, actions, etc and adjusting those instead of trying to fix someone else or expecting everything to just miraculously work. My favorite analogy used is the concept of seeing other drivers on the interstate who are going in the same direction you are. Whereas, you don’t see the faces of those going in the opposite direction. The idea being, you should align yourself with someone who is headed the same direction you are - or you need to make changes so you are headed in the same direction as someone you’d like to be with is (as long as it’s a positive direction).
Excellent advice throughout the book. I’d highly recommend youth ministers use this with their older high school students or parents, mentors, etc recommend it to their college and adult-age children.
April 10, 2022
Andy Stanley writes so well that I always find it hard to put down any of his books. In The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating, Andy exceeds my expectations with his message about what you require to have a positive experience dating, getting married and enjoying sex within the boundaries of a happy marriage.
Though sometimes hurtful and a re-opening of one's painful past, the truths presented in the message help the reader to prepare for dating and marriage by becoming the right person their desired spouse would seek, addressing their past, developing a different mindset about sex, among other valuable lessons.
Drawing from his life experience as a teen and from his work as a pastor who hears from all sorts of people with different experiences with dating and marriage, he presents a compelling case for a revolutionary re-orientation about love, sex, dating and marriage. The book is written in a conversational, semi-formal and lively style so that everyone can read and understand it as well as adopt its message in their lives.
For me, it is a book I believe everyone irrespective of their marital status, religious leaning, age or race should read.
June 25, 2021
I discussed a particular book with my parents as part of the sort of ongoing discussion about this stuff (discussion probably before age 6 etc., book in middle school, discussion after middle school etc.), and I liked the book well enough, but I'm sure it's out of print and I can't remember the authors' names to look them up now, and so on.
So I've thought in the past that along with anything and everything else, "What if there were one good book that I could substitute in to help myself along in case when it comes to teaching all the right things to my own kids?" In and around the other places and people they will hear from and discuss this stuff with themselves, of course...you just want to feel like you did your kids a favor and tried to help them be exposed to people who know what they're talking about, right?
Anyway, I think this could be the book. He doesn't go into, as the book I grew up with did, what you do, or what certain religions, churches, etc. teach or prefer you do, if/after you have gotten it wrong; but he probably does mention some things that I didn't really get a concise take on all in one place myself--I can't remember now. But it's a decent book, and for myself being a female, I will always appreciate a male who can be as forthcoming and firm on things anyway; it shows he has reason to know what he's talking about.
So I've thought in the past that along with anything and everything else, "What if there were one good book that I could substitute in to help myself along in case when it comes to teaching all the right things to my own kids?" In and around the other places and people they will hear from and discuss this stuff with themselves, of course...you just want to feel like you did your kids a favor and tried to help them be exposed to people who know what they're talking about, right?
Anyway, I think this could be the book. He doesn't go into, as the book I grew up with did, what you do, or what certain religions, churches, etc. teach or prefer you do, if/after you have gotten it wrong; but he probably does mention some things that I didn't really get a concise take on all in one place myself--I can't remember now. But it's a decent book, and for myself being a female, I will always appreciate a male who can be as forthcoming and firm on things anyway; it shows he has reason to know what he's talking about.
January 18, 2024
Love is a verb, something we are supposed to do. It is also something we need to receive. Too often in relationships we struggle to find balance in our love.
Andy Stanley has written a book about love, sex, and dating that is meant not just for the young, but for married people and those that become tired of serial dating that never seems to work out. His premise is that instead of looking for the right person, become the right person.
Stanley is a pastor of a major church, author of over twenty books and known as a great communicator of Christian thought. However, this book is not necessarily just for Christians.
This is an extremely practical guide, effectively argued, in an easy-to-read style. I am nearing 70 years of age and married for 35 plus years and still found parts of this book to be extremely powerful! I frequently ran to my wife to share from what I was reading. It is a book that many of us will want to share because it resonates with what we wish we knew and what we want our children (and grandchildren) to know. This is not a children's guide, however, it is written for adults!
Andy Stanley has written a book about love, sex, and dating that is meant not just for the young, but for married people and those that become tired of serial dating that never seems to work out. His premise is that instead of looking for the right person, become the right person.
Stanley is a pastor of a major church, author of over twenty books and known as a great communicator of Christian thought. However, this book is not necessarily just for Christians.
This is an extremely practical guide, effectively argued, in an easy-to-read style. I am nearing 70 years of age and married for 35 plus years and still found parts of this book to be extremely powerful! I frequently ran to my wife to share from what I was reading. It is a book that many of us will want to share because it resonates with what we wish we knew and what we want our children (and grandchildren) to know. This is not a children's guide, however, it is written for adults!
December 12, 2020
4.5
I remember watching a viral video on YouTube about this Christian couple's "love story." The guy had been zealously obsessed with finding a partner, to the point he couldn't even go to the grocery store without searching for a wife. He met his wife via her sister...ON TINDER. The video of hundreds of comments about their "perfect" love story. I must be in the minority of NOT finding being obsessed with finding a soulmate is extremely unattractive.
Stanley believes in becoming the right person, not going on an endless hunt for the right person. I also really enjoyed his focus on purity as a heart issue, not a "virginity" thing that purity culture often stresses. (His reasons for why a divorced person should abstain until marriage are practical and important.)
I didn't think the book was mind-blowing, but it had a lot of important information that I'd encourage teens and young adults to read.
I remember watching a viral video on YouTube about this Christian couple's "love story." The guy had been zealously obsessed with finding a partner, to the point he couldn't even go to the grocery store without searching for a wife. He met his wife via her sister...ON TINDER. The video of hundreds of comments about their "perfect" love story. I must be in the minority of NOT finding being obsessed with finding a soulmate is extremely unattractive.
Stanley believes in becoming the right person, not going on an endless hunt for the right person. I also really enjoyed his focus on purity as a heart issue, not a "virginity" thing that purity culture often stresses. (His reasons for why a divorced person should abstain until marriage are practical and important.)
I didn't think the book was mind-blowing, but it had a lot of important information that I'd encourage teens and young adults to read.
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