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There Are No Gays in Football
When a deeply-closeted Arthur Pendragon finally earns a spot in Camelot’s first XI, he’s dead set on breaking records, not one of sport’s last taboos. But life, like football, is a funny old game, and sometimes the only way up is out. Especially once he realises he’s arse over tit for the new physio. (212,918 words)
764 pages, ebook
First published April 22, 2013
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
February 21, 2016
i perpetratied this many words upon my face because i was sad, not because i expected them to please me.
i mean—i get angry when authors traipse right over the 100,000-word mark even if their book covers a decade in the lives of a sprawling industrialist family of great wealth, with piles and piles of filthy secrets and shocking betrayals and that poor deaf-mute bastard child working in the scullery—
...never mind 213,000 words about How Two British Dudes Figure Out They Kinda Fancy One Another.
but whatever.
it had, to quote the classic american cheerleader-movie bring it on, already been broughten.
so color me shocked when it turned out to be really, really well done.
i knoooooooow!!!
me tooooooooooo!!!
was only tempted to set it aside during an overdone , but other than that?
every chapter had its own arc, with its own dramatic tension, and its own satisfying release mechanism, whether by awesome demonstrations of love and support or by triumph on the field.
it's one of the best sports fics i think i've ever read, tbh—mm romance or no mm romance.
YMMV, of course—but for me?
my two days in this world were well cozy, mate.
i mean—i get angry when authors traipse right over the 100,000-word mark even if their book covers a decade in the lives of a sprawling industrialist family of great wealth, with piles and piles of filthy secrets and shocking betrayals and that poor deaf-mute bastard child working in the scullery—
...never mind 213,000 words about How Two British Dudes Figure Out They Kinda Fancy One Another.
but whatever.
it had, to quote the classic american cheerleader-movie bring it on, already been broughten.
so color me shocked when it turned out to be really, really well done.
i knoooooooow!!!
me tooooooooooo!!!
was only tempted to set it aside during an overdone , but other than that?
every chapter had its own arc, with its own dramatic tension, and its own satisfying release mechanism, whether by awesome demonstrations of love and support or by triumph on the field.
it's one of the best sports fics i think i've ever read, tbh—mm romance or no mm romance.
YMMV, of course—but for me?
my two days in this world were well cozy, mate.
February 19, 2016
Let’s start this with some inspiration shall we? Not that it’s needed in my opinion, it just never, ever hurts.
There are words or sayings or endearments in books that sometimes just do things to me, to the story, and just fit the character so well that they must be mentioned. There were two things in this book that were used over and over in the dialogue and every single time they were said I melted into the biggest pile of goo or, you know, melted in a totally different way, with mostly the same effects.
Every single time Em said ”Jaysus”. Especially when he said ”Jaysusfuck” or even better, ”Jaysus, Arthur” or probably one of the best "Ohmyjaysusfuck". Every single time.
The other was just so simple but when Em said it it felt like the most powerful punch right to my heart.
”Hello Arthur.” it was even better switched. ”Arthur. Hello.” To the heart, every single time.
Alright, here we go. This isn’t going to be as many words as the book but it will probably be a lot of words.
Merlin’s name is not Merlin in this story. This bothered me very much. I figured I would get that out of the way from the gate. It just was so odd to me. Merlin and his name and Arthur and his name are so entwined together in my head I just didn’t know why it wasn’t used. I am sure someone does know why. Somewhere in legend or whatever this probably would make sense, but to me, it was my least favorite thing about the book. It was probably the only thing I didn’t like about the book. The only thing.
This book is very long. It took me the entire week to finish it. It may have been a bit too long. Probably. I didn’t get bored though. There was just a whole lot. Like really. I believe the author actually states to take breaks while reading. I am not the kind of person who reads more than one book at a time but if you are, I recommend you do just that. I did take breaks though, obviously, because a week? I am kind of disappointed in myself. But, when I took breaks it wasn’t to read something else. It is a book you can put down though. It didn’t feel like a race, it felt like a nice slow ride. The chapters don’t leave you hanging necessarily so there are perfect stops to, well stop and read something in between.
Half the book is spent onsoccerfootball. I mean, like the entire season (how fucking long is a football season anyway?) and most of the matches. The travel. The injuries. The celebration. The speeches. The training. The banquets. The positions. The teams. The players. I’d be the first to tell you that this would probably bore me to tears but somehow it only left me gagging to watch a match. Like seriously. It read like I was in attendance at the match and I felt the excitement and the roar of the crowd and I loved every single word. I like sports and I like the feel of being there better than watching on TV and the author somehow really was able to capture that rush feeling you get and put it into words. Serious.
The other half though? Entirely focused on Arthur and Em’s relationship. Getting to be with them together just made my heart race. Eating, sleeping, showering, phone calls, texts, whatever. I felt a little voyeuristic. It was just so romantic or lovely or gah, I don’t know, but there were times I felt like I was an intruder on their beautiful relationship. Seeing it grow just made the romantic in me bursting with so many icky feelings. This was so fucking well done I can’t even. It started and just kept going. No unnecessary angst or drama for the sake of drama. Just honestly day after day in the life of them. Seems almost like an original concept when I think about it.
Wanna talk about sex? HOLY SHIT. Ok. This was, well, to me, so very fucking kinky. Of course, I’m the girl who reads all the tags and really wished published works had tags too. I have boundaries and stuff that doesn’t always work for me and maybe, if I had known, I would have thought this wouldn’t have worked for me either. I probably would have at least inquired about it. The tags weren’t specific and had I paid attention to this tag: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, I’d have been better prepared. I am ecstatic that I didn’t pay attention though. Not my thing but OH MY GOD it kind of really was, at least in this story. Arthur needed it and Em sure as fuck gave it to him and I, for maybe one of the first times ever, kind of got it. This is what would have had me nervous.
Last but not least, my favorite Merthur fics take place in Camelot, you know, in the real time of Kings and Queens and Knights and of course, MAGIC. Which always boggles my mind since I am not usually a fan of historical fiction, although I am the biggest fan of anything magic, but anyway. This did in fact take place in Camelot, just not the one with a castle. So this was modern but the overall feeling was not. What I love about the period fics is watching Arthur grow into the Once and Future King with Merlin by his side. Watching the two of them figure it all out and navigate through their feelings, their pasts and their fated future. I love it, almost every single time. This fic, modern and all that jazz, football for God’s sake, made me feel like I was in Camelot and Arthur was set to be King. I honestly think that was the best part about the entire story. You could feel the legend the fate and the future throughout it all, except, well, instead of a crown there was a cup. Watching Arthur become Arthur is always going to take my breath away.
So, do I think you’ll like this? No idea mate! None. Did I? Fuck yeah. I think I loved it.
There are words or sayings or endearments in books that sometimes just do things to me, to the story, and just fit the character so well that they must be mentioned. There were two things in this book that were used over and over in the dialogue and every single time they were said I melted into the biggest pile of goo or, you know, melted in a totally different way, with mostly the same effects.
Every single time Em said ”Jaysus”. Especially when he said ”Jaysusfuck” or even better, ”Jaysus, Arthur” or probably one of the best "Ohmyjaysusfuck". Every single time.
The other was just so simple but when Em said it it felt like the most powerful punch right to my heart.
”Hello Arthur.” it was even better switched. ”Arthur. Hello.” To the heart, every single time.
Alright, here we go. This isn’t going to be as many words as the book but it will probably be a lot of words.
Merlin’s name is not Merlin in this story. This bothered me very much. I figured I would get that out of the way from the gate. It just was so odd to me. Merlin and his name and Arthur and his name are so entwined together in my head I just didn’t know why it wasn’t used. I am sure someone does know why. Somewhere in legend or whatever this probably would make sense, but to me, it was my least favorite thing about the book. It was probably the only thing I didn’t like about the book. The only thing.
This book is very long. It took me the entire week to finish it. It may have been a bit too long. Probably. I didn’t get bored though. There was just a whole lot. Like really. I believe the author actually states to take breaks while reading. I am not the kind of person who reads more than one book at a time but if you are, I recommend you do just that. I did take breaks though, obviously, because a week? I am kind of disappointed in myself. But, when I took breaks it wasn’t to read something else. It is a book you can put down though. It didn’t feel like a race, it felt like a nice slow ride. The chapters don’t leave you hanging necessarily so there are perfect stops to, well stop and read something in between.
Half the book is spent on
The other half though? Entirely focused on Arthur and Em’s relationship. Getting to be with them together just made my heart race. Eating, sleeping, showering, phone calls, texts, whatever. I felt a little voyeuristic. It was just so romantic or lovely or gah, I don’t know, but there were times I felt like I was an intruder on their beautiful relationship. Seeing it grow just made the romantic in me bursting with so many icky feelings. This was so fucking well done I can’t even. It started and just kept going. No unnecessary angst or drama for the sake of drama. Just honestly day after day in the life of them. Seems almost like an original concept when I think about it.
Wanna talk about sex? HOLY SHIT. Ok. This was, well, to me, so very fucking kinky. Of course, I’m the girl who reads all the tags and really wished published works had tags too. I have boundaries and stuff that doesn’t always work for me and maybe, if I had known, I would have thought this wouldn’t have worked for me either. I probably would have at least inquired about it. The tags weren’t specific and had I paid attention to this tag: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, I’d have been better prepared. I am ecstatic that I didn’t pay attention though. Not my thing but OH MY GOD it kind of really was, at least in this story. Arthur needed it and Em sure as fuck gave it to him and I, for maybe one of the first times ever, kind of got it. This is what would have had me nervous.
Last but not least, my favorite Merthur fics take place in Camelot, you know, in the real time of Kings and Queens and Knights and of course, MAGIC. Which always boggles my mind since I am not usually a fan of historical fiction, although I am the biggest fan of anything magic, but anyway. This did in fact take place in Camelot, just not the one with a castle. So this was modern but the overall feeling was not. What I love about the period fics is watching Arthur grow into the Once and Future King with Merlin by his side. Watching the two of them figure it all out and navigate through their feelings, their pasts and their fated future. I love it, almost every single time. This fic, modern and all that jazz, football for God’s sake, made me feel like I was in Camelot and Arthur was set to be King. I honestly think that was the best part about the entire story. You could feel the legend the fate and the future throughout it all, except, well, instead of a crown there was a cup. Watching Arthur become Arthur is always going to take my breath away.
So, do I think you’ll like this? No idea mate! None. Did I? Fuck yeah. I think I loved it.
November 1, 2015
Review: I felt like this book was too long. It took forever to finish the last 20%. I completely lost interest. I felt it had a natural ending but it just kept going on and on. Lot of it could have been edited out. This is by far the longest book I read this year and will never read it again. It just not worth it. But my love for Merlin's and Arthur's fics have not died down one bit. 3 stars
October 12, 2015
I'm gonna re-read this but I"m 99% certain I read this already and fucking loved it.
November 7, 2015
All I remember about this fanfic is being bored... Maybe I'll give ita 2nd go at some point when I'm more in the mood fors th. slow and fluffy, who knows...
April 21, 2017
Qué monos son y woah, me ha encantado el tema del fútbol, está muy bien llevado, es un cuento de hadas moderno, justo lo que me apetecía, he dicho que eran monísimos??
August 4, 2024
Challenge re-read: 4.5 rounded down
Because it stayed with me
(Jaysus fuck, Arthur), admit
I was wrong. Loved it.
3.5 rounded up.
Merthur ofy.
Too long, bad kink, no conflict.
Super swoony, hot.
Because it stayed with me
(Jaysus fuck, Arthur), admit
I was wrong. Loved it.
3.5 rounded up.
Merthur ofy.
Too long, bad kink, no conflict.
Super swoony, hot.
July 23, 2022
Kindle-Sort-ReRead
This a long fic, perhaps a little too drawn out but nothing is rushed, it's good. Well written characters with plenty humour and banter. The type of snarky in-jokes between them that makes them believable.
There's the sense of bigger issues such as depression, the feeling of not being wanted.. but it's subtly done, in that it's there but not focused on enough to change the tone of the book. The story is Arthur, finding himself and what coming out means to him.
This a long fic, perhaps a little too drawn out but nothing is rushed, it's good. Well written characters with plenty humour and banter. The type of snarky in-jokes between them that makes them believable.
There's the sense of bigger issues such as depression, the feeling of not being wanted.. but it's subtly done, in that it's there but not focused on enough to change the tone of the book. The story is Arthur, finding himself and what coming out means to him.
August 21, 2024
This could've been 5 stars, it was just a little too long for me; I don't even dislike long books, this just felt like the length to conflict ratio was off so there was a lot that could be cut. I did think it was very well written though with GREAT characters. Also, with such little ties to the original work, this could easily be a very successful published novel.
November 18, 2015
So good, it took me a while to actually get into this one but once I did it was great.
November 28, 2015
Wonderful read! I read this one back in 2013, but the original goodreads listing and reviews seem to have been lost :(
December 28, 2015
Ok. But looooong!
March 23, 2022
There Are No Gays In Football was recommended to me in a Pinterest comment thread, and I don’t ever regret reading it. Despite the numerous amount of Erotica scenes in the work, they’re perfectly balanced out and woven into the plot, and actually aid Arthur’s personal growth and realisation throughout the piece. Arthur’s struggle with his familial ties, responsibility in the club, and him learning about LGBTQ+ life with Merlin makes for a very entertaining plot that is good for me to return to and have a good read every now and then.
September 6, 2018
Well written story, lots of dialogue, some footie, two boys getting to know each other and falling in love, british, >200k words of day to day stuff, no real drama.
sounds boring you say?! no, not at all. I could not put it down and honest to (insert deity you pray to here) won't be able to explain why, the story and writing just gripped me.
Don't let the fact that the story is 600 odd pages keep you from reading.
It's a smooth read, which I rather enjoyed.
sounds boring you say?! no, not at all. I could not put it down and honest to (insert deity you pray to here) won't be able to explain why, the story and writing just gripped me.
Don't let the fact that the story is 600 odd pages keep you from reading.
It's a smooth read, which I rather enjoyed.
November 28, 2020
*long ass whistle*
A lot of good things in this book, but mostly it just felt like it dragged on, and on, and on, and onnnnnnnnn. Occasionally it was very full of British slang and I didn't always get what exactly was happening, but that was on very rare occasions. I liked Arthur a good deal, and though Em isn't exactly how I picture Merlin most the time in my head, I found his character enjoyable as well.
A lot of good things in this book, but mostly it just felt like it dragged on, and on, and on, and onnnnnnnnn. Occasionally it was very full of British slang and I didn't always get what exactly was happening, but that was on very rare occasions. I liked Arthur a good deal, and though Em isn't exactly how I picture Merlin most the time in my head, I found his character enjoyable as well.
June 29, 2025
My favourite book is gay Merlin fanfiction
May 9, 2023
Okay so overall I liked it, and will possibly read it again. The three main issues were, Merlin isn’t Merlin’s name it’s Emmett. The second is that there was way too much football, give me hockey any day and I can read it forever ;). Which brings me to the third thing, it was a bit too long, which is in direct relation to there being too much football. But anyway, I really liked these two as friends and lovers. I wish there was more by this author.
May 28, 2023
This was a long book.
some chapters i loved but all in all i was not overwhelmed with it. it could have ended way sooner. but it was a hot read so yeah all in all a good read from A03.
some chapters i loved but all in all i was not overwhelmed with it. it could have ended way sooner. but it was a hot read so yeah all in all a good read from A03.
March 1, 2016
totally too long, but mostly liked it.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews