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Retirement Plan: a Crime Story

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Two old ladies have been robbed of their retirement money so they decide to open their own business and become hired killers.

312 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2011

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62 people want to read

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Martha Miller

30 books6 followers

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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
Profile Image for Skye Kilaen.
Author 19 books380 followers
August 18, 2023
Darkly humorous (at times) crime fiction about a retired lesbian couple in dire financial straits who turn to contract killing, and the detective who's trying to solve the murders while being responsible for her elderly mother who's in decline. I really enjoyed this, and I thought it had a lot to say about society, coming out, and family.
Author 9 books16 followers
July 5, 2016
Detective Morgan Holiday and her long-time partner Henry Zimmerman are called to see a body. It turns out that the man was shot in a high-powered rifle. Morgan and Henry interview the people who found the body and everyone around the crime scene but they don’t have many clues. Morgan is an experienced detective. Henry is retiring and she’s given a new partner, who looks down on her. Morgan is not happy about it because she has more than enough problems in her personal life: her mother suffers from Alzheimer’s and Morgan couldn’t take care of her full-time, so her mother is now in a home. Morgan visits her every Sunday but her mother doesn’t even recognize her anymore and waits for her son to visit. He lives in Chicago and only stops by a couple of time a year. Morgan is divorced and is struggling to find her own sexuality.

Lois Burnett and Sophie Long are in their late sixties, early seventies and looking forward to their quiet retirement days. Unfortunately, things don’t go as planned. Lois’ adopted daughter is a drug addict and she has stolen the money they had saved earlier in their lives. Even though Ruby is now in jail, the women didn’t get their money back. When Sophie is in a car accident, it becomes clear quickly that their pensions just aren’t going to be enough. They decide to do a few sniper jobs in order to pay their bills and even get a little bit of extra. However, they decide that all of the clients have to be strangers and the victims will have to be scum, and not decent people. They would question the would-be clients and research the would-be victims themselves. They stick to the latter rule; their victims are pedophiles and stalkers. But they break the first rule pretty quickly.

Sophie is a former Catholic school teacher and Lois is a former nurse. Lois was in Vietnam and learned how to shoot there. She lived through rather traumatic experiences there and brought with her an orphan Vietnamese girl whom she adopted.

I really enjoyed this book. In addition to Lois, Sophie, and Morgan, there are a couple of other POV characters. One of them is Lois and Sophie’s client Celia Morning who finds out that a pedophile has moved into her neighborhood. I think Miller made a great choice by showing us what a menace the man is and why someone would want to pay to kill him.

I actually felt that Lois and Sophie’s part of the book was the most lighthearted because of the silly secondary characters and the somewhat absurd premise. Celia’s part was quite horrifying, especially when we started to find out what the man was doing, and Morgan’s part was depressing and grim because of her mother. Morgan’s mother manages to escape the facility and comes to Morgan, asking after Morgan’s dead father.

The book has a few delightful secondary characters, such as middle-aged Myrtle whose girlfriend has left her for a former Playboy model. Myrtle is grief stricken but determined to get another girlfriend. The characters feel like individuals and real people.

The books asks questions about the modern justice system where sometimes the guilty are better protected than the innocent. Who can and should choose who lives and who dies?
Profile Image for Caroline.
438 reviews28 followers
March 16, 2024
I've paged through a lot of local-author books recently, and they mostly run the gamut from "ramblings of a mentally disturbed person" to "kinda racist short story collection" to "halfway decent but painfully amateur novel," so it was a delight to find this quirky book about elderly lesbian assassins and the lesbian detective trying to track them down, which is skillfully written enough to sit on the shelf next to nearly any lesbian detective novel I've read.

There's a lot to like in this book. You have Lois and Sophie, the old married lesbian couple who get on each others' nerves but love each other (and their troubled adopted daughter) more than anything. And opposite them, you've got Morgan, the police detective who's struggling with everything from her weight to her mother's dementia to the misogyny of her workplace to her own sexuality. Plus a small cast of other characters who fill out the story. It's also set in all-but-in-name Springfield, Illinois, which is kind of novel if you live in Central Illinois (trust me, there ain't a lot of books set here).

It's aged a little, for sure, but you could say that about nearly any book written over a decade ago. But there's nothing in it that's aged so poorly that it would ruin the story. If you still pick up a Katherine Forrest or a Sandra Scoppettone in this day and age, you can certainly handle this book. Heck, I think more people should give it a go. It was an interesting, unique read, and not the kind of story you'd get from a bookstore full of James Pattersons. I mean, would James Patterson write about elderly lesbian assassins and the baby dyke detective hunting them down? I think not.
Profile Image for Maria Magdalena.
810 reviews8 followers
February 12, 2025
Darkly humorous crime fiction. I really enjoyed this, and I thought it had a lot to say about society, coming out, and family.
The books asks questions about the modern justice system where sometimes the guilty are better protected than the innocent. Who can and should choose who lives and who dies?
Who were you cheering for? Morgan, hoping she'd find the sniper? Or Lois, hoping to get away safe to Florida?

PS. Can someone please correct the Title (Retiremaent Plan)!!??
Profile Image for Ruth Sims.
56 reviews
April 8, 2011
RETIREMENT PLAN: A Crime Novel
By
Martha Miller
Publisher: Bold Strokes Books (2011)
ISBN-10: 1602822247
ISBN-13: 978-1602822245

From the book cover:
“What do you do when you fall through the loopholes in the system and all you have to rely on are your own wits? Lois and Sophie have scrambled and saved for years, planning for their retirement in Florida. But now they’ve lost it all…” “A modern morality tale of justice, retribution, and women who refuse to be politely invisible.”

Having read several earlier novels by Martha Miller, I fully expected a novel with a twisty plot, interesting and well-drawn characters, an Illinois setting, and never a dull moment. I was not disappointed. As an Illinoisan I am especially drawn to the Midwest setting because too many authors forget about the rich, vast center of the country vibrating with untold stories just waiting the magic touch of a master hand. Not all drama happens in New York, L.A., San Francisco and Florida.
After reading the cover copy and having heard about the story, I settled down expecting a frisky 21st-century version of Arsenic and Old Lace. “M-16 and Blue Jeans,” perhaps? I quickly discovered that Lois and Sophie are not the cuddly, daffy Brewster Sisters. Lois and Sophie are dead serious.
The story opens with an extremely dead body in an alley, a man killed by a single shot to the head from a high caliber weapon. There are no clues and no casings to be found by female homicide detective Morgan Holiday and her partner. Both are experienced and instinctive in their work, but neither has any inkling that the fatal shot was fired by a white-haired, sixty-six year old woman. And that it was murder for money.

Lois Burnett and Sophie Long are in their late sixties, a lesbian couple whose 32-year partnership is like any other such partnership or marriage, with the little daily annoyances and disagreements and personality glitches all subordinated to affection and genuine love. And like most people their age they have a dream of peaceful retirement. Also like many people their age nowadays that dream has been yanked from beneath them by circumstances. A comment by a friend unexpectedly opens a door of startling opportunity to improve their shaky plans, and Lois and Sophie walk through it into the dark world of hired assassins.

“Lois had come home with adrenaline pumping. She’d forgotten that killing a man could be so invigorating. … She’d aimed the rifle and squeezed the trigger, and, in an instant, she earned more than she got in three months from Social Security.”

Most older ladies don’t have an M-16 rifle in their home. And if they did, they likely would not know how to use it. Lois has and does. In earnest discussions of the possibilities, Lois and Sophie had come to the conclusion that everybody has somebody they want dead and there are plenty of creeps who deserve killing. They would, in effect, be rendering a service.

And that is what they do. They have rid the world of several vile, amoral creatures who walked about masquerading as men.

Therein lies the beauty of Ms. Miller’s story. It’s not just a lesbian detective-lesbian killer story. It would have been entertaining just as that. But the author has woven the warp of believable characters both major and minor and the weft of real life situations faced by.
The detective, Morgan, is the only daughter of an aged mother with latter-stage Alzheimer’s. Her mother has reached the combative stage and has run away from her nursing home residence at least once. Morgan’s long-distance brother is no help, leaving Morgan to bear the entire personal and financial burden alone. Morgan also has a deep personal issue and confusion regarding her own sexuality.
The supporting character of Ruby is unique in that she was a Vietnamese orphan brought to the United States as an infant and raised by Lois, who was in Vietnam as a nurse during the war. Ruby has grown into a middle-aged woman who has made many wrong choices, including drug use and illegal activities that almost cost her her freedom and her adoptive family.

There is much that is grim in this novel, but Ms. Miller has a way of bringing in little moments of levity to lighten the mood, including the minor character of Myrtle Dixon, a middle-aged lesbian friend of Lois and Sophie, who’s lonely and a bit desperate after her girlfriend ran off with a former Playboy Bunny. Myrtle is a bit of an airhead who looks for love in all the wrong places, but she provides a few chuckles.

At the heart of the book is a serious question, and one that we all think about from time to time, I’m sure: who is to decide who lives and who dies? And is vigilante justice really justice? Didn’t Lois and Sophie truly perform a service to society in getting rid of human garbage who did nothing but hurt innocent people? Perhaps they should be given medals, not prison!

At the end, when personal feelings and belief in the law put Morgan square in the middle, will she do her duty and uphold the law? Or turn her back?

Retirement Plan is, simply, a very good and entertaining novel with some serious, thought-provoking subtleties. Highly recommended.
643 reviews
February 15, 2020
I recommend this book

Very enjoyable read. The characters are well developed and likable. This book kept me interested to the end. Thanks for a really good book.k
1 review
July 16, 2011
This is a very winning story. These characters are all individual unique folks, struggling to get by in a real world we can all recognize. There are true bad guys who draw no sympathy, but they too are realistic. They exist in the world we live in. The way the author balances her characters' morality is really a remarkable dance.

I loved this book. These nice old ladies who happen to be a lesbian couple figure out the only way to a reasonable retirement is through a serious criminal enterprise: killing people for a fee. Being not really criminal, they try to find and accept only jobs in which the intended victim has it coming. In this they are more closely related to the vigilante justice of the old west then to the actions of crime family hitmen. Although they are doing it for money, the reader understands that they wouldn't kill someone who was an innocent.

When I started reading this book I was torn by the morality of what they intended to do. Initially it is presented as somewhat comic in nature. The novel has a conversational style, beautifully handled, that moves things along. The characters are all of them pretty much individuals, with no cardboard minor figures sitting like props along the way. The two old ladies are distinct, nearly an odd couple. Their back stories are reasonable and winning. Their adopted daughter's story is also well told and functions as an armature for the story. As the story unfolded I became more than just comfortable with the moral force behind these women. There is a sense of justice and a recognizing of the danger of ad hoc judgment in every action undertaken. It's really a tour de force look at what real justice should be in this modern world.

Contrasting the women's lives as aging gays in our culture, the young policewoman's story shows us the problems on the other end. The fact of her gayness eludes her, though the desire rises up. Her problems with her mother and her mother's loss of memory are also keys to the way this story must play out.

I liked these women. I liked the cops-- the young black woman and her old partner and her new partner. I liked the lesbian couple's daughter, and felt bad for her. I had sympathy for those forced to hire these women. And I felt that frisson of grief that comes from justice being served.

I am familiar with Miller's other crime drama books, Nine Nights on the Windy Tree and Dispatch to Death. This new story, Retirement Plan, is her best work. She just gets better and better. I'm looking forward to what comes next.
Profile Image for Kate McLachlan.
Author 11 books56 followers
July 4, 2012
This book veered between dark and funny. I guess they call that "darkly humorous." I didn't know whether to be horrified at what these women were doing or to cheer them on. Frankly, I really enjoyed that, and ended up doing both. It's refreshing to read a book when you really don't know what's going to happen, even though here you're never left wondering 'who done it.'

The book addresses a theme I've been playing with in my current work in progress. Is murder really bad when the person so badly deserves to die? My theory: we'd nearly all be in favor of the death penalty if we got to be the ones who chose who died. It's those damn other people whose judgment we don't trust. Traditional mysteries always treat murder as the ultimate sin, and no matter how good a reason the murderer had, they must be caught in the end. That's bullshit.

I very much enjoyed the older characters in the book, Lois and Sophie, and identified with them far more than I would have thought a youngster like me (everything is relative) would have. I kept seeing me and my wife in them, though I swear neither of us is a sniper. I wasn't crazy about Detective Morgan Holiday. The subplot about a middle-aged woman finally realizing she's a lesbian after all these years should have been fun. I did that, and it was a very exciting time, believe me. Morgan seemed more depressed about it than anything, like it was going to take up too much of the precious time that she spent alone in her dead parent's house. I couldn't figure out what her problem was.

So the part of the book that should have been dark wasn't. The part of the book that shouldn't have been dark was. Did Miller do that on purpose? I don't know. But I'll probably read another book by her. I do like to be kept guessing.
Profile Image for 'Nathan Burgoine.
Author 50 books466 followers
January 13, 2013
My lord how I adored this. I got it on audio from audible.com, and listened to it to and fro from work. I must say the reader did an amazing job.

It's not hard to imagine an older lesbian couple reaching their retirement years and struggling for their income. One is a teacher, the other a retired military nurse, and living on social security and non-existent pensions is a struggle. Pretty much the only thing they own that doesn't have a use - they've sold everything else - is a rifle they have kept for sentimental reasons.

And though they can't quite pin exactly when - or which of them it was exactly - the decision was made, they did indeed make a decision to make some extra money by offering their services in a growth industry: hired assassination.

These two wonderful old women are a joy to read - even though they're killers for hide (and at times even because of it). That they have a moral compass in play (albeit one that still allows their murder-for-cash solution to life's problems) is central to how they're still so damned loveable, and as the tale progresses, and their backgrounds, histories, loves and pains come to light, my affection for them only grew.

Counterpointed with these two lovely ladies is another woman, the detective who is assigned to the case when the bodies start to stack up. Her journey was also intriguing, enjoyable, and emotionally encompassing, and the last few chapters, when things start to grow very taut, had me very nervous for all concerned.

Can you root for the killers?

In this case, how couldn't I?
Profile Image for Andrea.
839 reviews1 follower
June 12, 2013
A very enjoyable read. There's no whodunnit aspect of this novel, just the tension between the extremely likable killers and the equally likable homicide detective assigned to the case. You want them both to win, but...
There are lots and lots of subplots, all of which are handled with dexterity and charm. This makes me wonder if a series might develop involving some of the characters: there seems to be material and rich characterization enough to fuel several books, especially involving the detective team and the adopted daughter of the sweet little old ladies who fund their retirement by becoming hitpersons.
118 reviews1 follower
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December 21, 2014
Retirement Plan (Unabridged)

Author: Martha Miller
Date:
19-NOV-2012
Narrator:
Bernadette Dunne
Provider:
Audible, Inc.
Running Time:
4 h 54 min

maybe this is no longer available from Audible since no audio version shows up as an option for this book ... oh well ...
Profile Image for Jeffrey Ricker.
Author 27 books55 followers
June 3, 2012
Any book that starts with a bang and a body is on the right track!
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews