Crap Cars

by Richard Porter

From the Austin Allegro to the Renault Safrane, and from the MGB to the Volkswagen Beetle, this book brings together 50 of the worst cars ever to grace the roads of Britain.

The book features everything from the aesthetically pathetic to the mechanically misguided and includes tales of the most bizarre and appalling cock-ups in motoring history.

With full-colour photos to illustrate each entry, this chronicle of classically Crap Cars will transport you back to the beige and brown world of the seventies and eighties and your very own Morris Marina.

Genres: Nonfiction, Cars, Humor

128 pages, Hardcover

First published October 14, 2004

Reviews

[Todd Glaeser · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure what it means, but two of my childhood favorite car models are featured in this book.

[Stacia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilariously funny. My favorite page was the one about the Suzuki Samurai.

[Jonny Parshall · Rating 3 out of 5]

I knew I had to read this book as soon as I knew of its existence.

I personally like crap cars, though it may be due to many years as a irony-prone pseudo-hipster. That said, Mr Porter's collection of some of the crappiest craps that ever graced the motorway is enlightening, educational, funny, or at least one of those three adjectives.

Included, perhaps should not have:
Dodge Dakota Convertible. An off-road capable convertible? Um, yes please.

Not included, perhaps should have:
The Ford Edsel, perhaps the ugliest thing on four wheels since my dog swallowed that hot wheels car and shat it back out.

[Michael Lent · Rating 3 out of 5]

Enjoyable if redundant. You could read one entertaining review and ditto comments on the rest.

[Melanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book we have near our toilet.

[P. Christopher Colter · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fun, quick and humorous read that would be enjoyed by even a casual vehicle enthusiast, I would certainly recommend 'Crap Cars'.

[Kate · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting (and occasionally hilarious) tour through car history’s follies.

Lost stars because:
1. It gets repetitive. It feels like Porter stopped trying about halfway through, and just went with shtick from then on.
2. Some of the jokes rely on sexism or outright misogyny. Even if you don’t care, it’s inescapable that that kind of “joke” is lazy, hacky, and overdone. Do better. Be better.
3. Historical inaccuracies—specifically about the Ford Pinto.

The book is at its best when it’s being funny while giving the reader some facts about these cars (why are they crappy? TELL US!). It’s at its worst when it skips over the why for a few hacky jokes.

[Matthew Eyre · Rating 5 out of 5]

The only problem is... I have driven WAY too many of these. My sister tells me Porter is Clarkson's ghost writer. I think its the other way round. Clarkson is a master journalist and his minions merely ape his style. The text tries a little bit TOO hard. But if you've never driven a Morris Ital, A Suzuki Wagon R, a VW Beetle or an Austin Allegro, then my friend you've never lived!

[Seizure Romero · Rating 2 out of 5]

The best part of this book is some of the sweet vintage ad photos.

[Andrew Baker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good coffee table book

[Jazmyne · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5

A fun book for my classroom library; it is often checked out by the mechanic fanatics in the room.

[Elaine Meszaros · Rating 4 out of 5]

This fantastically snarky book full lives up to its title. Porter lists the (arguably) 50 top bombs and give succinct descriptions of the lemon, along with a nasty little "If this car was…" tagline. #15, the AMC Gremlin "If this car was… a movie, it would be ‘Dude, where’s the rest of my car?’" and #6, the Chevy Vega "If this car was … only a little rusty, it was still on the production line." On the sagging leather seats for #29, the Chrysler TC by Maserati "And just look at those seats.. Ever wonder what it’d be like to see your grandparents naked?" #26, the Renault Feugo "When it came to destroying a car’s reputation on every front there was little else that could have been done, short of paying a big man to stand at the door of every Renault showroom greeting prospective customers with a punch in the face." The old car ads illustration the book are also priceless - a man in polyester suit and helmet hair in his Hyundai Excel (#19) or a couple in knee-high tube socks beaming in delirious delight that they will never have to own a Merkur Scorpio (#46).

[Kitap · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't judge this book by its cover. I judged it on its title alone. And it lives up to its name. From no-brainers like the shitbox Yugo or Pontiac's fake-Fiat Fiero to the high-dollar travesty of the Aston Martin Lagonda, the fifty cars described in this book were (and still are) absolute crap, whether in terms of design, engineering, marketing, or all of the above. As for the author, it shows that Richard Porter writes for the British TV program Top Gear —he never allows the simple, potentially monotonous, premise of the book to get stale. Indeed each review is hilarious, often over-the-top, and most (OK—all, including the sainted VW Bug) of the selections are spot-on.

A low-performance Porsche? What were they thinking?

[Cathal Reynolds · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a pretty funny look of what the author believes to be the worst 50 cars ever made. And he was, largely, pretty right. I say largely because I'm pretty sure almost everyone has a soft spot for the Delorean, else you had a misguided childhood, and I personally rather like the Lagonda for reasons I shan't disclose even though I know it is not a great car. There are also some people, some senseless people, who like the Marina, as the Top Gear crew have discovered.
Some of these cars are ridiculous. Like the Subaru XT with its 4WD that only worked when the windscreen wipers were on or the Daihatsu Move which you still see around despite it being pig-ugly. Or the Bond Bug or Reliant Robin because why on earth would anyone think three wheels on a car was at all a good idea. Why.

[Grant Pratt Schweppe · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has a lot of model overlap with the later published book branded with Top Gear Epic Failures (in 2014), however in the later book they expanded and provide more detail on the model and why it failed. In this earlier book, the descriptions about each model are not only shorter, but also more insulting language based on the author’s vague perspective, not backed up my market demand reasons.

If you have the choice to buy either one, do not buy this earlier version. If you stumble across this copy in a used bookstore, it is an interesting picture book to flip through for a few minutes….

[Nat · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reviews of the worst cars ever made, written by the guys responsible for Britain's Top Gear TV show.

The only mistake they make is including the rag top Volvo 262c, which is actually pretty awesome.

[Jennifer Daniel · Rating 3 out of 5]

The obvious Gremlin, Pinto and Yugo were on the list, but the VW Beetle? That is a classic. If it was good enough for Ted Bundy then it was good enough for me!

[Martin Groves · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title "Crap Car" makes the book sound attractive, AND IT IS!!!!1

[Stefanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny stuff!

[Thom · Rating 3 out of 5]

The humor is similar to Top Gear, and after a while, it gets kind of old.

[M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beep beep!

[Nathan Smith · Rating 2 out of 5]

Silly book. Fun read. Awful slap stick captions.

[Cindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fabulous coffee table (or toilet!) book.