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My Big Fake Green-Card Wedding
My Big Fake Green-Card Wedding by Mollie Molay released on Aug 25, 2003 is available now for purchase.
- GenresRomance
256 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published September 1, 2003
15 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
June 10, 2010
My Big Fake Green-Card Wedding, As Enacted by Children's Toys
Cast of Characters/Actors
Trin.....Han Solo Action Figure*
Trin's Friend Lily.....Tickle Me Elmo**
Melina.....Barbie's slightly ethnic looking friend, Midge
Adam.....Ken
Melina's Father.....Swarthy Pirate Lego
Adam's Daughter.....Kewpie doll
ACT I
Trin: Don't you just love library book sales? So many wonderful works of literature! I hope I can find a copy of The Tenant of Wildfell Hall!
(Approximately four seconds pass.)
Trin: Hahaha, check out all these romance novels. Can you BELIEVE these? Look, this one's called My Big Fake Green-Card Wedding! Isn't that amazing?
Lily: LOL.
Trin: Haha, omg, listen to the first line of the cover blurb! "She might be the last twenty-nine-year-old virgin in Greece, but Melina Kostos did not need her overprotective father and brothers handpicking her husband!" This is hilarious!
Lily: LOL.
Trin: It's only 50 cents! I totally need to buy this, right? Buy it and read it for the LOLs?
Lily: LOL. Totally.
(Trin buys the book)
ACT II
(Greece! A country the author has absolutely been to and can write about with accuracy!)
Melina: I want to be in America! Okay by me in America! Everything free in America!
Adam: Childcare isn't free, strange woman I just met in an elevator.
Melina: You are American? I am a Greek woman, from Greece.
Adam: I am an international businessman on an international business trip!
Melina: *swoons*
Adam: Pity I have to go home to take care of my daughter so my bitch of an ex-wife can go on her honeymoon. How can she be so outrageously demanding? I'll have to get a nanny!
Melina: You don't need a nanny! You need a wife!
Adam: LOL. You offering?
Melina: If you help me get a green card, I will cook for you, clean for you, provide free childcare, and completely ensure that this book won't be challenging any gender roles.
Adam: Sounds like a pretty good offer, sweetheart.
Melina: Wait! No touchies. And you gotta meet my dad. Er, I mean. You must meet my father. I will now repeat this statement in Greek.
Melina's Father: So tell me, why do you want to marry my Greek daughter?***
Adam: Whoa, she's GREEK? I, like, totally didn't get that. It went straight over my head.
Melina: Straight over your...head? What means this phrase?
Adam: Will you let me marry your Greek daughter if I pretend I've gotten her knocked up?
Melina's Father: It is a pity I cannot KILL the father of my future grandchildren!
(America)
Melina: Oh no! I must continue to resist my husband! And yet...if only I could have the courage to explore the curves at his lithe waist, to run my fingers through the golden-brown curls on his very masculine chest, or to inhale his masculine scent of shaving lotion and soap?*** For I am a red-blooded Greek woman, and he is just so very, very...masculine.
Adam: Oh no! I want my Greek wife, not just as a nanny and housemaid...but as a wife! The kind one is allowed to have sex with ALONG with using as a nanny and a maid! I never imagined that I could come to want the spouse from my marriage of convenience, because apparently I have not absorbed any pop culture at all over the last 20 years!
Melina: At least I am Greek, and thus have an excuse.
Adam's Daughter: THIS BOOK NEEDS AN ADORABLE MOPPET! LOVE ME!
(Melina and Adam go to look at erotic statuary.)
Melina: This is too much for my 29-year-old Greek virgin self! TAKE ME!
Adam: Oh, thank goodness - I was beginning to think you were from Lesbos!
(There is fade-to-black fucking.)
Adam: OMG! Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin? I'm going to proceed to feel so guilty for robbing you of your innocence in front of the erotic statuary that I'll snub you so you think I think you're a whore!
Melina: In Greece, we are hot-blooded and would never do such a thing! But this is AMERICA, so why don't we continue to have stupid misunderstandings to pad out the rest of this novel?
Adam: Sounds good! But don't you think we should maybe have a couple of INS agents show up and be ridiculous and unthreatening for a few pages?
Melina: Sure. It's better than having your daughter show up again!
(Many misunderstandings and a couple of inept INS agents later...)
Adam: Okay, this thing is over 200 pages. Let's stop misunderstanding each other now.
Melina: I would like to start by understanding your penis.
Adam: Nope, this is one of those rigorously non-porny romance novels. We'd just fade to black again.
Melina: All right, then: since women love weddings, let's wrap this up by getting married a SECOND time!
Adam: Sounds good! Women also love babies, right?
Melina: I guess so...why?
Adam: I knocked you up the very first time we had sex.
Melina: Just what every Greek woman wants! And hey, that reminds me. Whatever happened to those INS agents?
Adam's Daughter: I KILLED THEM AND DRANK THEIR LIFEBLOOD FROM THEIR PULSING NECK STEMS.
Adam&Melina: Aww! That's adorable!
THE END
ACT III/EPILOGUE
Trin: That was awful! It wasn't even that funny - it was just boring! How can people read these over and over again? Gosh, I'll tell you, I have certainly learned my lesson. I'm sure I'll never ever ever read a book I know will be bad just because I think it'll be funny again!
Lily: LOL. LOL. LOL.
Trin: *shoots Greedo first*
*Yes, I am a chick. But I have sort of always wanted to be Han Solo. Don't ruin my moment.
**Characterization may be sacrificed for humorous effect. If you forgive me, Lily, I'll let you take a spin in the Millennium Falcon.
***Actual line from the book.
Cast of Characters/Actors
Trin.....Han Solo Action Figure*
Trin's Friend Lily.....Tickle Me Elmo**
Melina.....Barbie's slightly ethnic looking friend, Midge
Adam.....Ken
Melina's Father.....Swarthy Pirate Lego
Adam's Daughter.....Kewpie doll
ACT I
Trin: Don't you just love library book sales? So many wonderful works of literature! I hope I can find a copy of The Tenant of Wildfell Hall!
(Approximately four seconds pass.)
Trin: Hahaha, check out all these romance novels. Can you BELIEVE these? Look, this one's called My Big Fake Green-Card Wedding! Isn't that amazing?
Lily: LOL.
Trin: Haha, omg, listen to the first line of the cover blurb! "She might be the last twenty-nine-year-old virgin in Greece, but Melina Kostos did not need her overprotective father and brothers handpicking her husband!" This is hilarious!
Lily: LOL.
Trin: It's only 50 cents! I totally need to buy this, right? Buy it and read it for the LOLs?
Lily: LOL. Totally.
(Trin buys the book)
ACT II
(Greece! A country the author has absolutely been to and can write about with accuracy!)
Melina: I want to be in America! Okay by me in America! Everything free in America!
Adam: Childcare isn't free, strange woman I just met in an elevator.
Melina: You are American? I am a Greek woman, from Greece.
Adam: I am an international businessman on an international business trip!
Melina: *swoons*
Adam: Pity I have to go home to take care of my daughter so my bitch of an ex-wife can go on her honeymoon. How can she be so outrageously demanding? I'll have to get a nanny!
Melina: You don't need a nanny! You need a wife!
Adam: LOL. You offering?
Melina: If you help me get a green card, I will cook for you, clean for you, provide free childcare, and completely ensure that this book won't be challenging any gender roles.
Adam: Sounds like a pretty good offer, sweetheart.
Melina: Wait! No touchies. And you gotta meet my dad. Er, I mean. You must meet my father. I will now repeat this statement in Greek.
Melina's Father: So tell me, why do you want to marry my Greek daughter?***
Adam: Whoa, she's GREEK? I, like, totally didn't get that. It went straight over my head.
Melina: Straight over your...head? What means this phrase?
Adam: Will you let me marry your Greek daughter if I pretend I've gotten her knocked up?
Melina's Father: It is a pity I cannot KILL the father of my future grandchildren!
(America)
Melina: Oh no! I must continue to resist my husband! And yet...if only I could have the courage to explore the curves at his lithe waist, to run my fingers through the golden-brown curls on his very masculine chest, or to inhale his masculine scent of shaving lotion and soap?*** For I am a red-blooded Greek woman, and he is just so very, very...masculine.
Adam: Oh no! I want my Greek wife, not just as a nanny and housemaid...but as a wife! The kind one is allowed to have sex with ALONG with using as a nanny and a maid! I never imagined that I could come to want the spouse from my marriage of convenience, because apparently I have not absorbed any pop culture at all over the last 20 years!
Melina: At least I am Greek, and thus have an excuse.
Adam's Daughter: THIS BOOK NEEDS AN ADORABLE MOPPET! LOVE ME!
(Melina and Adam go to look at erotic statuary.)
Melina: This is too much for my 29-year-old Greek virgin self! TAKE ME!
Adam: Oh, thank goodness - I was beginning to think you were from Lesbos!
(There is fade-to-black fucking.)
Adam: OMG! Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin? I'm going to proceed to feel so guilty for robbing you of your innocence in front of the erotic statuary that I'll snub you so you think I think you're a whore!
Melina: In Greece, we are hot-blooded and would never do such a thing! But this is AMERICA, so why don't we continue to have stupid misunderstandings to pad out the rest of this novel?
Adam: Sounds good! But don't you think we should maybe have a couple of INS agents show up and be ridiculous and unthreatening for a few pages?
Melina: Sure. It's better than having your daughter show up again!
(Many misunderstandings and a couple of inept INS agents later...)
Adam: Okay, this thing is over 200 pages. Let's stop misunderstanding each other now.
Melina: I would like to start by understanding your penis.
Adam: Nope, this is one of those rigorously non-porny romance novels. We'd just fade to black again.
Melina: All right, then: since women love weddings, let's wrap this up by getting married a SECOND time!
Adam: Sounds good! Women also love babies, right?
Melina: I guess so...why?
Adam: I knocked you up the very first time we had sex.
Melina: Just what every Greek woman wants! And hey, that reminds me. Whatever happened to those INS agents?
Adam's Daughter: I KILLED THEM AND DRANK THEIR LIFEBLOOD FROM THEIR PULSING NECK STEMS.
Adam&Melina: Aww! That's adorable!
THE END
ACT III/EPILOGUE
Trin: That was awful! It wasn't even that funny - it was just boring! How can people read these over and over again? Gosh, I'll tell you, I have certainly learned my lesson. I'm sure I'll never ever ever read a book I know will be bad just because I think it'll be funny again!
Lily: LOL. LOL. LOL.
Trin: *shoots Greedo first*
*Yes, I am a chick. But I have sort of always wanted to be Han Solo. Don't ruin my moment.
**Characterization may be sacrificed for humorous effect. If you forgive me, Lily, I'll let you take a spin in the Millennium Falcon.
***Actual line from the book.
September 4, 2021
Brilliant
November 20, 2013
Gorgeous Greek Melina marries an American businessman for a green card. It’s a business arrangement—she agrees to be a nanny for his daughter. Predictably, they fall in love, but each believes the other is still intent on their orginal bargain. I was hoping for something funnier, like Jennifer Crusie.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews