Say When

by Elizabeth Berg

When is a marriage worth saving, and when is it worth letting go?'He felt his stomach tighten, his heart begin to race. The coffeemaker beeped, signalling its readiness, and Ellen got up and poured two mugs. She set one in front of Griffin, one in front of herself. Griffin watched the steam rise up and curl back on itself, then dissipate. He said quietly, "I'm not going anywhere." "Pardon?" "I said, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not moving." She nodded. "I see. Well, I can't. I have to be here to take care of Zoe." Griffin pictured his daughter, a redheaded beauty who would knock the stuffing out of any man who crossed her. "All right, you can stay, too," he told Ellen. "Griffin. One of us has to go." In Say When, Elizabeth Berg negotiates perfectly the fine balance between humour and poignancy as she charts the days and nights of a family whose normal life has been shattered. Told from the point of view of a man who goes overnight from being a husband to becoming his wife's roommate, this is a gripping and heartfelt story.

Genres: Fiction, Chick Lit, Contemporary, Romance, Book Club, Marriage, Womens Fiction

224 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2003

About the author

Elizabeth Berg is an American novelist.
She was born in Saint Paul, Minnesota, and lived in Boston prior to her residence in Chicago. She studied English and Humanities at the University of Minnesota, but later ended up with a nursing degree. Her writing career started when she won an essay contest in Parents magazine. Since her debut novel in 1993, her novels have sold in large numbers and have received several awards and nominations, although some critics have tagged them as sentimental. She won the New England Book Awards in 1997.
The novels Durable Goods, Joy School, and True to Form form a trilogy about the 12-year-old Katie Nash, in part based on the author's own experience as a daughter in a military family. Her essay "The Pretend Knitter" appears in the anthology Knitting Yarns: Writers on Knitting, published by W. W. Norton & Company in November 2013.

Reviews

[S.E. · Rating 5 out of 5]

A refreshingly different love story told from a man’s perspective, of his feelings of love, loss, rejection and hope when his wife wanted a divorce.

Initially, I was all for Griffin, especially after reading a part of the book on what he values in a marriage: “He was a man who loved the calm normalcy of a long-term relationship. Romance was all right, but what really appealed to him was comfort. He liked the simple safety of marriage, the relief in it, the ease with which you could flop down on the sofa, exhausted after a hard day’s work, and know that you had company that required nothing of you….You could ask questions you’d never ask anyone else, express fears without fear.” Right from the start, he is portrayed as a good husband and father, and after ten years of marriage, he still loves his wife deeply.

And of course, I did not like Ellen much. On a balance of black and white, Ellen is obviously the villain. However, as I read on, the author drops morsels of information along the way which gradually brings up the scale for the wife, yet at the same time without dampening sympathy and support for the husband. The story really reminds one of how complex a marriage can be, and yet so simple. There are so many issues to take care of - love, friendship, trust, respect, loyalty, fidelity, children etc, yet a relationship will work only if both parties make the effort to nurture it at all times. As what Griffin said later in the book, “What I’ve learned since you’ve been gone is that there isn’t a bad guy and a good guy when people in a relationship have trouble. There are two bad guys.” And kudos to Ms Berg for presenting this simple truth in such a touching and insightful manner, and in a way that most married couples can relate to.

There is no romance here, not in the typical, passionate sense of the word. “Say When” is in essence, a true and great love story. One thing’s for sure, I appreciate my husband so much more after I’ve read this book. Highly recommended to all my adult goodreads friends.

[Linda Hart · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the 3rd book I've read by Ms. Berg, and I've really enjoyed them all, but did not love this. Written from the betrayed husband's point of view, this novel is a tender reflection on the joys and frustrations of marriage and it rings true to what many couples experience as their relationships age. The story confronts the reader with the questions: When is love not enough? When is it not worth saving? What happens when love goes untended? Why is it so hard to let love die? These are serious questions but parts of this book made me laugh out loud. I felt the ending was underdeveloped and am not sure the resolution accords with reality. One is left wondering what will happen.

[Alice Bola · Rating 3 out of 5]

Every once in a while I need to read a novel that speaks to my soul. Sometimes one comes about happenstance (personally, I love those books); other times I know exactly where to find them. Elizabeth Berg is that kind of storyteller.

A surprise visit to the library last Saturday brought me face to face with a section of Elizabeth Berg novels. After perusing the titles I picked one, open it and read the inner sleeve. I didn’t even get through the first paragraph before promptly closing the book and headed to the check out.

I know I’m not alone when I say that I crave conflict in a story. I crave hurt, I crave grief and turmoil. As a reader, I think we all do. Elizabeth Berg’s strength is her ability to describe human emotions in such a way that I can’t help but feel them too.

Say When is the first time I read a novel that dealt with adultery but from a man’s point of view. Griffin was a regular guy, in love with his complicated wife, living the dream until the day the rug was pulled out from under him. I enjoyed reading this story. I liked Frank, I liked getting to know Ellen from his point of view, I liked his relationship with his daughter. Most importantly, I liked the way Ms. Berg developed Frank’s character by taking away the most important thing to him. I enjoyed how Ms. Berg kept Ellen’s motives a secret, that the novel was really about Griffith. I started the novel feeling sympathy towards him. By then end, I felt like a close companion and that whatever happened, he was a much stronger man, a more loving father because of it.

This isn’t one of Ms. Berg’s strongest novels, the ending predictable. As always, the writing and emotional delivery was spot on but I think it lacked the soul of Open House or Dream When You Are Feeling Blue. It’s not a must read, but I did enjoy taking this emotional ride with Griffith. I don’t regret reading it, but it’s not one I’ll read again.

My favorite part of the novel came during a conversation Griffin had with his coworker Donna. About compatibility, Donna says, “God above could come down and tell some people they were wildly incompatible with their spouses, and they’d still want to be with them. It’s like artist sacrificing so much for their art. For some people, their relationship is their art, they’ll give up everything for it.”

I love that and that alone was worth reading the novel.

[Renee · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book poured out like sticky, sappy maple syrup. A tale about a couple separating and coming back together that was crammed with enough filler to stuff a turkey.

[Lois Duncan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Positive comments: (1) Elizabeth Berg writes well; (2)she tackled the difficult challenge of writing a woman's novel from a male viewpoint and pulled it off.

Negative comments: I found the book boring. It wasn't really a STORY -- just a situation. I couldn't relate to either the husband or wife. The husband was so obsessed with not having his domestic routines disturbed that he wasn't willing or able to move forward when his wife left him. The wife didn't know who she was or what she wanted. Neither of them changed or matured during the course of the book. Both were sorely in need of psychiatric help. If a reader can't bond with the characters he/she doesn't care what happens to them. That was the case for me. I didn't care if they got a divorce or not.

[treehugger · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was the worst Elizabeth Berg novel I have ever read. I hated all the characters, thought they were pathetic and sniveley. Sorta surprised I made it through the whole thing. Not recommended.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is still my favorite book. It's my favorite by Elizabeth Berg, but also one of my two favorite books of all time. Despite having read this book four times now, I am still drawn to it.

Every time I read it, I love Griffin and despise Ellen. I don't know if I just forget what happens in the book, or if I always hope it will go differently, but every time I read it, I continuously think about what's coming up and how it ends and every time I am wrong. I am still surprised by the ending, which sounds a little ridiculous. Certainly I should have the book memorized by now.

Either way, I love that this is a raw look at a marriage break-down. What happens when one person has an affair and wants out and the other person is willing to forgive. Every time I read it, I love that Griffin refuses to move out of the house - and I agree with him. Ellen brought this on - he shouldn't have to move out. I love that this book is written from Griffin's point of view, as Elizabeth Berg usually only writes from a female point of view. I enjoy Grffin's time training to be Santa. I enjoy his (albeit limited) time that he spends with Donna. I do not enjoy Ellen's constant back and forth with him, where you feel like she's coming around and might want to try again, only to take it all away and leave him again. But that's part of Ellen. That's just who she is.

Although I don't read this book every year, I am drawn to it around Christmas time and will tend to re-read it then. I always enjoy it and fly through it.

[Elizabeth T. Ward · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this book -- twice. When I just finished it, it made me cry. That's say a lot because I don't often cry after finishing a book! The reason it moved me so much is that the author succeeded at creating a well-rounded protagonist who is deeply flawed, has a deep heart, and wants to change. Griffin is a married man who is in love with his wife, but doesn't know how to listen to her. On the first page of the novel, he discovers she's having an affair with her car mechanic. The entire book is aimed at finding out what really went wrong with their marriage, and whether they will get back together. Elizabeth Berg did a wonderful job at keeping the writing simple, but profound and sometimes very funny. It was a tale told within a small framework, but one that I found delightful to explore. I highly recommend it if you're interested in novels about marriage.

[Book2Dragon · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book once I got past the many pages of the husband feeling sorry for himself. At first I thought it was great to see divorce from a man's point of view. Then it got kind of monotonous. Then I got comfortable with the characters, and by the end I liked them and the book.
What I liked most about the book, and my favorite character, was Zoe, their little girl of 8. It is important that Parents take a long look at how divorce will affect the child. Zoe is smart and sassy. Love her. (Like their parenting style too.)

[Amy]

I read about 50-70 pages before I realized I despised both main characters and didn't care if they split up, stayed together, burst into flame, mutated into aliens, explored Aztec ruins, disabled mines, spun gold from hay, etc.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Elizabeth Berg has become one of my go to guaranteed calming and healing authors. Her plots are gentle with a slice of life brilliance, which I have developed a love for. Finishing one of her books is just like the end of a yoga session, you feel spent yet revived at the same time. Because of this quality I find them hard to rate in the rewarding stars kind of way, each of her books read so far have given me an absolutely thats just what its like moment! These moments are precious and reassuringly affirming. On their own they are five star quality, but because her books are not about much it feels weird to rave and give them lots of stars……..Let me give you an example of one of those moments - Ellen has left her husband Griffin and uses their different experience with the family budgie as evidence of their incompatibility "Griffin had had his own relationship with him that was no way inferior to the one Ellen had. It was just different. Did she ever think of that, that things experienced in ways different from hers were equally valuable? That the way he chose to love her was, in fact, loving her, that the face of love depended on the person giving it? I love this and yep thats just the way it is!

Say When is written from the male perspective, and done well (in my opinion). It explores the shifts in a relationship when communication stops and each other are taken for granted. The love for their daughter Zoe and Griffin's satisfaction in a monogamous relationship provide reason for both despair and hope. The addition of expectation around specific celebrations creates greater poignancy to individual grief and loss. There are some beautiful moments when Griffin tries to be more connected with the world at large. But as it is only a small quick read I will leave the details there and let the next reader decide. If you like slice of life stories its a goodie.

I have decided on four stars, it is a little patchy in places I still finished feeling at peace with the world.

[Sheryl Sorrentino · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is the first time I ever read an Elizabeth Berg novel told from a male point of view. She did a skillful and authentic job with her protagonist, Frank Griffin--with the possible exception of his near-saintly constraint and stoicism. Like every other Elizabeth Berg novel I have read, Say When is a well-paced, relatable, easy read; light yet in equal measure substantial. I found the ending to be a somewhat simplistic attempt to gift wrap a hitherto complex situation. But endings are always tricky, and that slight "letdown" is far outweighed by Berg's many nuanced insights about fidelity and marriage.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I loved that it was told from the male point of view. There were times when I would stop reading and say to my husband, "I could have written this. Except not like Elizabeth Berg." And then he would repeat her name, predictably, but doing it in the way Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza would say it. Elizabeth Beeeerrrrg. Except they said "Alec Berrrrrrrg."

I've said some of this dialogue. I've run away from home. Twice, no three times. My husband and I have taken each other for granted and then found a way to pull back from the edge. We've separated, filed for divorce, lived apart, lived together, but separate lives. All of it. And here we are. For good and bad, but mostly in spite of ourselves.

This story is one I can definitely relate to. And if you're in a long-term relationship, I suspect you'll find things here that you understand, feel, and likely deal with on occasion.

I am a fan of Berg's writing style and I love a story set in Chicagoland because it's so familiar to me.

For those of you who've read this book, I want to share with you this exchange between my husband and me last night.

Me: Did you know the Music Box Theater has those stars and the moving clouds just like the Fox Theater does?
Him: Yes.
Me: Huh, I never knew that. In our 15 years in Chicago, we never went to the Music Box.......

So, yeah.

[Carolyn Agosta · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't know how I missed this book when it first came out; usually I catch all of Elizabeth Berg's books, but somehow I missed Say When until now.

Although I'm a big fan of Elizabeth Berg, starting with Joy School, in recent years there were a few of her books that somewhat disappointed me. They felt rushed, as though she was on a deadline and had to hurry up the ending. This book, however, felt beautifully complete. The characters learned things, they had realizations and went through changes in their minds, hearts and spirits. Not that the reader is left with a 'happy ever after' ending, but the ending did feel natural, not forced or rushed, and there was a hopefulness in the ending that made sense to the story.

The moments of bitterness, pain and spitefulness felt real, but there also were some profound moments that I think allowed the readers to think about the choices they make in their OWN lives, which is what the best books should do.

I enjoyed the book very much. Can't "say when" yet, though. Because I hope there will be very many more Elizabeth Berg stories to come.

[Elizabeth Havey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this novel was like sitting down with an old friend. Many of your have read Elizabeth Berg: Range of Motion, The Pull of the Moon, Open House. I had forgotten how she pulls you into the home, the neighborhood, the city where events take place. How she draws the characters so vividly on the page, that you want to call them on the phone, make suggestions as to how they might solve their problems. Ellen has decided that she needs to move out of the home where she and Griffin have been raising their only child, daughter Zoe. Griffin struggles, tries to date, but ends up accepting a proposal from the woman he meets: he will dress up this coming Christmas as a Santa Claus for the local mall. Combine that with Ellen revealing she has a boyfriend and Zoe struggling with the angst of growing up--and Berg has you turning pages. There's no war. No explosion. No trip abroad. It's just Midwest living with normal angst, and you are routing all the way through for the right ending...you just don't know the timing of SAY WHEN.

[Connie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I seriously can't decide whether to give it two or three stars.

This was an OK story. I did like reading the male point of view, but then it again it was always in the back of my mind that it was written by a woman.
Ellen just annoyed me, seriously, she doesn't like it because her husband always washes the dishes he uses and puts them away, who in the hell is going to complain about that?
Griffin was such a softy! Blech! I understand his concern for Zoe, but geez how can he still be so in love with a woman that has cheated, lied and moved out on him. The thing I did like the most about him is in the end when Ellen is moving back, he feels he will be OK regardless of how his marriage works out.

[Amanda Westmont · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't enjoy this book at all. I thought the characters lacked conviction. There was no plot. And the writing itself was just... okay. I mean, I can really get behind plot-less narrative fiction if it's OUTSTANDINGLY well-written and it makes me wish I'd written it myself.

But this was just... Bleh. Completely forgettable. It didn't make me laugh or cry or even think very hard about marriage. I guess I just didn't really BELIEVE it. It wasn't real enough.

I'll give Berg another shot, though, since so many people love her books.

[Joy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm slowly reading my way through Berg's books. This is about a man who thinks he has a good marriage until the day his wife announces that she wants a divorce. Sounds like a tired subject, but I really liked the thoughtful and gracious way the guy handled the separation. He seemed so wise and calm, you just really hoped his wife likes him as much as the reader. There were lots of questions: When is a relationship worth saving? Do a man and woman define betrayal differently? How honest are we with those to whom we are closest? Lots of things to ponder as I read this book.

[L Huber · Rating 2 out of 5]

There so many things I disliked about this book that the thought of listing them all makes me tired. I can't believe I wasted so much time reading it just for it to end in the cowardly way. Ugh! Life and especially relationships are messy. If you are going to write about it being messy than get your hands dirty, don't bundle it all up with feel-good BS at the end.

Skip this book.

[Lisa H · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this. A breakup of a marriage, written from a husband's point of view. Was so touched by his willingness to fight for his marriage. I love everything by Elizabeth Berg, but this is one of her best.

[Sarah Obsesses over Books & Cookies · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gets 4 stars for getting me out of a book rut, which may have been caused by medication but that's not the point here. Elizabeth Berg is not one of my go to writers but I find myself checking out her books from time to time, just reading the summaries and then deciding that it's too twee for me. But for some reason this one grabbed my attention (art imitating life and vice versa) and the will they won't they kept me wanting to read more.

Told through Frank (Griffin)'s eyes we find out that Ellen, his wife, is having an affair. He knows this but thinks it's just a superficial kind of flirty thing. When he finds out that it's a legit affair he has a tantrum (understandably) but his attitude is kind of smug and childish and tit for tat. He will not leave the house or their 8 year old daughter Zoe and so the two try to parent her together while doing there own thing. As the book unfolds you find out more about Ellen and why she's strayed. It seemed to characterize Ellen as a person who is not taken seriously and ignored in some ways and Griffin to be only concerned with himself. He sort of realizes this and keeps trying to get back with Ellen (despite almost banging a pretty hot chick) but she's intent on staying with her lover (who is way younger and sporting a ponytail- gross). So you can't help wondering if they're going to get together since Ellen is pretty firm on not wanting too but she's also kind of fragile.

The story as a whole was okay but as I got closer to the end some things didn't feel right and the very very end, like last sentence end, it wasn't satisfying at all. But I finished it. It was a very quick read and I appreciated it and do want more stories like this to relate to but this was was okay/liked it/fine. Now on to a story about kids who spontaneously burst into flames.

[Annie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this on a flight to Hawaii so perhaps it was the heady anticipation of the trip that helped me enjoy this novel about divorce, a usually depressing topic. Or perhaps it is because (SPOILER ALERT!!!) this novel had a happy ending. But I think the real culprit is Elizabeth Berg's ability to write movingly about ordinary people. I really do feel for her characters and I want to see what happens to them. I liked that this was written from the perspective of a man because it was a new angle for me. I guess that in novels I've read about divorce, the main voice seems to always be female. It was interesting for me to see how he dealt with such an emotional situation and how he loved her in a different way. I'm glad she was able to see that, finally, and that he was willing to try and love her the way she needed to be loved. This sounds really sappy, but the novel is not, it is often suprisingly humorous! Some examples: the nicknames he always is giving her lover, who is a car mechanic, throughout the novel and also, in order to find something to do at night (so his wife can't go out with the mechanic) he takes a job being Santa at the mall.
No Favorite Quotes.

[Nadine in NY Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. When I first started reading it, I didn't want to like it, because it struck me as trite, feel-good, chick-lit. And I don't like trite feel-good anything. But it's more than that. It does not manipulate the reader's emotions (which is what trite, feel-good lit does), it simply, and accurately, depicts the characters' emotions. This is a startlingly accurate portrayal of a marriage falling apart in the wake of infidelity. It is wonderfully even, it does not judge the betrayed nor the wayward, but it does not hold back from the truth either. I didn't think that was possible. I feel so sappy for loving this!

[Jodell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Say when by "The Fray"
Say when And my own two hands will comfort you
Say when And my own two arms will carry you
Come close and then even closer We bring it in but we go no further
We're separate Two ghosts in one mirror,
Later on if it turns to chaos, hurricane coming all around us
See the crack, pull it back from the window, you stay low
Come across you lost and broken You're coming to but you're slow in waking
You start to shake You still haven't spoken, what happened
They're coming back and you just don't know when
You want to cry but there's nothing comin' They're gonna push until you give in,
say when

[Donna Craig · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although it has fewer than 300 pages, I had to read this book slowly. For me, the emotions were really heavy-duty. Written from the male POV (unusual for the story of a separation), this book tells the story of a married couple’s break-up. Oh, I was so overwhelmed at times. The melancholy still lingers, but the story leaves you with hope. Like in all of Berg’s books, I related deeply to the characters in spite of how different they are from me. I loved the quirky personalities. I love her books. I loved this book.

[Jennifer Feld · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book. It captures the true essence of a breakup. It is not maudlin though, which is important to me. The husband's side job stories are a delight. The whole book is so engrossing, it totally took me away from my life, which is why I read Elizabeth Berg books to start with!

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

My favorite of Berg's, so far.

[Laura Sorensen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Except for the child of the couple, I didn't like the characters in this story so I had no stake in the outcome.

[Joan Horkey · Rating 4 out of 5]

A emotional look at what happens when a married couple decides to separate.

[Jessica Lewis ☔️ · Rating 4 out of 5]

“we’re not supposed to get it, we’re just here. and we have each other - doesn’t that help?”
- griffin

this was an interesting read. i have always loved elizabeth berg and find her books vary a lot with subjects, characters and plot as well as being easy reads. this was an interesting concept of a family in the midst of upset told mostly from the male perspective as he tried to make sense of it all. it’s seemed quite authentic and i wasn’t trigger by intense conversations. at first their bickers annoyed me and i kept saying “just say what you mean…” but oftentimes that’s not reality in tense and raw moments. while it was at all deep and nothing tragic occurred it was a great book that i really enjoyed.

oh and there’s a cat. it’s mentioned twice. at that point. why even have it included?