How to Hug a Porcupine: Negotiating the Prickly Points of the Tween Years: Negotiating the Prickly Points of the Tween Years

by Julie A. Ross

“You never listen to anything I say!” Yesterday, your child was a sweet, well-adjusted eight-year-old. Today, a moody, disrespectful twelve-year-old. What happened? And more important, how do you handle it? How you respond to these whirlwind changes will not only affect your child's behavior now but will determine how he or she turns out later. Julie A. Ross, executive director of Parenting Horizons, shows you exactly what's going on with your child and provides all the tools you need to correctly handle even the prickliest tween porcupine.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Family, Psychology, Childrens

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2008

Reviews

[Mindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I haven't cried this hard while reading a book in a long time! I cried for two reasons, one is that everything I'm currently experiencing with Sierra was written about in this book and it was such a relief that if it's written down, it's because other people have experienced the same thing which means there will be help for me to know what to do! The second reason I cried is because it really was a confirmation that my little girl is no longer little. She's growing up and most of our problems are because I'm trying to keep her little. Why can't she just adore me forever?!?

It gave great suggestions and reminders about how to be a parent in this new stage that we're entering. It was a lifesaver!!

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

very good description of what's in a tween's head. The solutions as always sound like they'd be comfortable for a psychologist but not so much for the average parent! Definitely worth a read though. Now to get my husband to read it...

[Natali · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated this book. I have a 10 year-old son. I noticed his moods were shifting a bit and I wanted to be ready for his tweens.

The author is a really positive advocate for middle schoolers. She offers parents a great perspective for shifting the paradigm of parenting from protecting your grade schoolers towards creating strong relationships with your teens and preteens. It is not about keeping control with fear tactics and threats. It is about learning to communicate, empathize, and compromise so that we keep our role as guides for our children. She offers many techniques that I will keep in mind as my children move through this stage.

I do recommend this to all parents. It never hurts to have a reminder of how confusing each stage of childhood can be and have some positive research on your side.

[Jenine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a rave but there are certainly a lot of good approaches here. I argued with the book most of the way through. One of her tenets is that the parent should set all their emotional reactions aside in order to interact with their highly emotional tween child. I agree that it's important to set reactions aside when making good decisions. But the level of personal suppress that's called for is too much. The parent is a person too. It's also quite creepy if the parent is making all interactions so highly scripted and controlled. I guess there's gotta be a happy midpoint somewhere between being bamboozled/infuriated by your kid and being the Stepford Mom.

I was left with the idea that "we're going okay!" and that's always a good feeling.

[Stef · Rating 3 out of 5]

I used to read parenting books when my kids were little.m I picked this book up at the library because the title looked interesting. It is very easy to read and broken down into easy to manage topics. It makes you realize your kids are normal. Also, so far, my kids are easier than the problems that arise in this book. The book's strength is its reminder that the goal is to have a respectful relationship with your kids, rather than total control. I am up to the "Computer addiction" chapter. This may be more relevant to me than the others!
Update: computer chapter and sibling rivalry not useful.

[Skylar Burris · Rating 2 out of 5]

This might have made an excellent *article*. Like many parenting books, it is repetitive, has an excessive number of anecdotes, and spends too much time stating the obvious. What advice it has could probably be boiled down to about ten pages using a few examples. About 50% of the book's advice is useful (and I filed away the useful advice and will attempt to apply it) and about 50% of it seemed to me over-indulgent and/or unrealistic.

[Marcy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wasn't crazy about this book. But some in book club liked it. I felt the mock conversations (and subsequent outcomes) in the book were completely unrealistic. And annoying preachy. Maybe I wasn't in the mood for a book like this.

[Tate · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was interesting in how to develop a relationship. I thought it gave up on the concept of parental discipline.

[Emily | emilyisoverbooked · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfect for pre-teen parents!

[Sarai Henderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can't stress the importance of preparing yourself for the tween years and beyond. Whether its talking to a parent or friend who has gone through these tough years with a child, or reading a book on the subject, it's important to know what you're getting yourself into. Personally, these years have been harder mentally than when my kids were toddlers, but maybe that's just me.

Julie A. Ross has wonderful stories and suggestions on how to manage a prickly porcupine of a tween. I don't know how many times I've reflected back on some of the words in this book with my honey badger/dark and brooding youngest child. That kid will be the death of me.

Favorite Quote:
"Relationship has to remain at the heart of every interaction we have with our middle schooler."

My rating for this book is 4 out of 5 stars. A good read, wouldn't call it a favorite though.

[Kelley · Rating 4 out of 5]

A truly excellent book for parents of middle schoolers! The author offered practical solutions to common problems and used many examples to illustrate sample dialogues and solutions. I feel like she also did a great job explaining the needs of the middle schooler and how parents can support these. I listened to the audio book along with reading the print book, and I though the audiobook narrator did a great job reading the text with humor and warmth. It was an engaging book from start to finish.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good, quick read that provides helpful insight and tools for the tween years. I believe the author truly wants to share this advice in hopes of strengthening the parent-child relationship. This book helps me see how I can better guide not only my daughter’s future but our relationship. And, in the true spirit of “a Mother’s work is never done,” I read it all on Mother’s Day. :)

Off topic, but I do have a major complaint about one story later in the book. The author describes a man’s choice to no longer use a ladder to prune his trees, at the request of his wife, as “heart breaking” and a loss of “courage”, saying that it’s “improbable” anything will happen to him. Such a gross negligence of facts. Instead, applaud the man for listening to his wife’s concerns and for being smart about the real risk of falls from ladders. (500k ppl treated each year)

[Joshua Derner · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the first parenting book that I read cover to cover. At this time of writing, I’ve been a parent for eight years, and I fervently wish that I had read it a long, long time ago. Even though this book primarily discusses tweens and teens, there are so mani wisely applicable concepts and techniques that whatever parenting stage you find yourself, you will learn something useful. The techniques in this book helped me forge a new relationship with my oldest daughter that I worried I would never have - techniques I found not even halfway through the book. The remaining pages had equally valuable content. Author Julie A. Ross uses practical examples and pulls zero punches when it comes to tackling difficult issues like sex, drugs, and alcohol. I highly recommend this book to parents in all stages. It really saved my relationship with my oldest daughter.

[Kaitlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. Rounding up because I did recommend that my husband read it. I especially liked the beginning, where it talks about what it's like to be a tween. I generally liked the anecdotes too. It went downhill around halfway through. I skimmed the computers section because it was unhelpful and outdated (Myspace! 🤣). Her saying "GLBT" felt very outdated as well. I thought the sex section was pretty helpful, especially with how open she recommended being. So I would say this book is worth a skim at least!

[Hillary · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoy this book and once again felt it offered helpful tips for trying to relate to your growing tween/ early teen as they work towards independence. Ideas for how to show love, how to communicate, and how to have crucial conversations in a productive manner despite their resistance and normal attitudes. I find the tips adaptable and leaving room for each parenting style. Definitely is a constant reminder to watch our reactions and my personal weakness, overreaction. Worth the read for brainstorming ideas on how to relate to your kids and help them grow in an environment of open communication and learning to make decisions.

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first started thinking about having babies I thought about how fun holding a newborn baby would be and the baby snuggles. I kind of thought about the toddler years because I would babysit a bunch as a kid. I didn’t think it would be that bad. I NEVER thought about when that beautiful baby turns into a teenager and how hard that would be! It has been pretty difficult for me. I have made lots of mistakes. This book has given me some tools in my belt to hopefully help!!

[Amy Ellis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is just what I needed during this time of my life! It helped me understand my 11 yr old as well as his friends. It teaches you how to parent with influence instead of control, how to hold effective family meetings, and the best thing to do for your child (leave them love notes! The written word is a powerful thing!). Definitely a book to read and revisit!

[Brittany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredibly insightful for this new phase of parenting. I’m so thankful I found this book to help maneuver these “prickly” preteen years!

[Robyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Had some really good points. It is a reminder if your child is older and a prediction if you child is younger than tween.

At any rate, good luck with that.


3 stars

Happy Reading!

[Amelia Epperson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some parts are dry as I believe any help book would be. But I really appreciated the good advice and techniques. And also it's really good to know that since this is written down that means other parents have and are going through this.

[Swmartz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the most beneficial parenting book I have read since the toddler years. Although this book is written for dealing with tweens, I feel it is very applicable to teens as well. I read this book to help my relationship with my 14 year old,and our relationship has drastically improved. I am so grateful for this book.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book on how to raise tweens, but also great advice on how to raise teens. Highly recommend!

[JaNel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Theme:
Control is an illusion. During the preteen years, parents can give up control for influence by focusing on their relationship, so that in the teen and young adult years, teens will trust and come to their parents for advice; they may even follow it.

p. 13 Reciprocity--my teen has needs that must be met and so do I. Decide how best to meet each rather than get into a power struggle
-a preteen's needs:independence and to be different from parents

Be respectful: would I talk/treat my best friend/spouse like this?

p. 14 Listening creates a current between people that ensures we never get tired of each other. We're continually recreating.

If we have respect in the relationship, we always have the space to apologize or explain more. We always have a second chance, and so do they.

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood"
-this is a really good philosophy but many times, teens can't/won't explain themselves

p.18 In regards to above problem, we need to look (listen) underneath the irresponsible or immature behavior to find the real developmental need. The child probably is completely unaware of this (and this is why they can't explain it) just like preverbal children aren't aware of the developmental stages they're going through.

If they're prickly and unreachable for positive interactions, WRITE love notes to them regularly. Be short, specific. Messages should convey unconditional love, NOT lectures. No negatives or "buts." i.e. I love you BUT..."

Remember that because teens feel things stronger than ever before (because they're huge growth going on in that part of their brain), a simple suggestion or reminder sounds like nagging.

p. 51 Don't overgeneralize, universalize, or exaggerate your concerns or undervalue or dismiss their concerns. "Sandwich" your suggestions between a positive statement, a request/suggestion/limit, and another positive statement. i.e. You're a good student. I'm sorry this project didn't work out the way you wanted it to. I'm sure you'll figure out a way to get the grade you feel you deserve. Do you want to brainstorm?"

p. 52 Trust them until they lose it. Then set a time-frame that allows them to regain trust and/or priveleges. Avoid perfectionism and acknowlege progress.

p. 63 Approach outrageous IDEAS (suggesting piercing, tattos etc) with a "tell-me-more" attitude. Help them research the consequences. In my house, I have them write a persuasive essay that necessitates research into cost and consequences.

p. 84 Nine Communication Blockers
-mine are commanding: "calm down." advising: "you should..." being a know-it-all: lecture
-instead, listen and empathize and brainstorm solutions. Do advising and lecturing later when emotions aren't so high.

P. 105 "I know you need (fill in with their priorities). I need (fill in with my priorities). How can we work this out?" If the solution doesn't work then have consequences.
i.e. "You are really talented in your video game. I know you don't like me telling/nagging you to put your homework in your backpack. I need to know that your homework is getting turned in. How can we fix this?"
You come up with a solution that all work needs to be turned in this week. If it gets turned in, great. No more nagging. If it doesn't: "Your work wasn't turned in this week. I'm going to check with your teacher every day after school this week. If it's not turned in, your video game time will be lost for that day. If it is turned in all this week, then we can try again with me not checking next week."

p. 107 Exhibiting trust. "I'm sure you've figured out a way to get your work done."

p. 150 If we respond to IMPORTANT things (need to be addressed, but not immeditely) as if they were EMERGENCIES (need to be addressed NOW), it often triggers intense feelings of fear/anger in us. Press "pause" by saying, "This is important; I need to think about it. Let's talk about it after dinner."

p. 180 When kids are fighting with each other, focus on their communication skills instead of resolving the current conflict.
-State their feelings for them. "Aimee, you need a quiet place to read. Leo, you want to the freedom to hum if you feel like it."
-Exhibit trust. "I'm sure you two can figure out a solution to this."

[Kimberly Hedges · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great info about communicating. Lacking in current tech & trends.

[Michele · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book hardly keeps the reader engaged (see the time period it which it was read). Though certainly well-meaning, the author offers up suggestions that make parenting your middle schooler sound like a desperate plea for their friendship. There are some nuggets of good ideas (love tickets, sandwiching comments) & reminders (during these roller coaster years, our tweens need us to be steady & stable)-unfortunately for me the mundane and overall tone of this book turned me off. Reminded me constantly of the Dana Carvey bit with society today raising children: “Gregors, now what did we agree to?” 🤣🙄 Take it or leave it, for my personality & parenting philosophy/style, it was much more leave than take.

[Emi Yoshida · Rating 2 out of 5]

As I've been reading up on this subject for years now, I didn't find much new information here; but I do think author Julie Ross does a fine job of researching and presenting the findings of others. She's generous in her examples of scripts, and I Statements; and I do appreciate the difference she details between hubris and confidence. Basically I don't feel that I fit in to the audience she's targeting, which I gather to be both more lenient and religious than I am, being admonished against "shaking the chrysalis," wanting to postpone the "sex talk" until the tween years, and threatening that "sex always changes you and your partner."

[Jonathan Appleton · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I read the first couple chapters I thought the author much be with the NSA and had access to our house. The first two chapters were dead on.
I think there is a lot of good material here. More so on retraining the parent to deal rather than change the child (or maybe mine is too stubborn).
If the techniques fail at least there can be some commiseration.
If that doesn't work there is always alcohol.

[Lee Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's always good to refresh my skills. While this book has some cheesy dialogue and scenarios, it's mostly filled with good, practical advice about parenting your tween. Especially helpful, for me, is the concept of moving from controlling to monitoring. It's hard to let go of the constant "Did you wash your hands?" "Is your homework in your bag?" etc. micro-managing, but only when you do can you help your child move to the next level. That's good advice.

[Melanie Conerly · Rating 1 out of 5]

I feel that I have to give a review since I gave this a low rating. I ended up skimming 3/4 of the book because as I read this book, I realized that I did not share the same view point as the author. I'm sure this book is great for some parents but I did not find it useful.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I tend to parent this way, encouraging kids to work things out by using their words and talking about good decision-making a lot. Probably nothing revelational in this book, but I found it encouraging. Then again, this book is aimed at middle-schoolers and my kid is not in that stage yet;)