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Death: The End of Self-Improvement
This book celebrates the great stripping process of aging, dying and spiritual awakening. Beautiful, poignant, at times humorous, transcendent, messy, down to earth, refreshingly honest—the book explores death, and more importantly, being alive, through a rich mix of personal stories and spiritual reflections. Joan writes about her mother’s final years and about being with friends and teachers at the end of their lives. She shares her own journey with aging, anal cancer, and other life challenges. She explores what it means to be alive in what may be the collapse of civilization and the possible extinction of life on earth due to climate change. Pointing beyond deficiency stories, future fantasies, and oppressive self-improvement projects, Joan invites an awakening to the immediacy of this moment and the wonder of ordinary life. She demonstrates a pathless path of genuine transformation, seeing all of life as sacred and worthy of devotion, and finding joy in the full range of our human experience. The book is about fully embracing death, and therefore life, whole-heartedly and relaxing into the total disintegration and loss of control that growing old and falling apart—and living and loving and being awake—actually entail. It faces the sometimes painful and often messy realities of aging and death without turning away. But at the same time, it sees the beauty in the mess and the hardship. Joan’s view of spirituality includes all of life. Hence, the book includes many things often seen as "unspiritual" or even unmentionable. The book points to the transcendent right here in the ordinary actuality of this moment, just as it is.
Beautiful, profound, tender, playful, serious, true. Joan’s spirit is so remarkable, her humor, and her sense of being alive and grateful. A rare jewel.
—Lenore Friedman, Meetings with Remarkable Women
What’s remarkable and unique to me about Joan's book is the congruence of the presentation with the teachings she offers. The story of her life, the way she unfolds and reveals the whole mess of it, from birth to death—tears, laughter and poop—perfectly models what she is the Here-Nowness of everything, beyond right and wrong, seamlessly coming and going—in and out of linear time—all of it one whole Unicity. What’s special and remarkable for me about Joan is her utter transparency and humility as a teacher, always a student sharing and acknowledging the teachings of other teachers, seeking therapy and talking about it openly, as she does her illness, fears, etc. All of it! No high horse for Joan. Just one of the gang, like me, like everyone.
—Dot Fisher-Smith, artist, poet, activist
Tollifson doesn’t claim that embracing unpleasant experiences will stop them being unpleasant. Rather—and in a way that’s hard to express in words—it stops them being a problem. It becomes possible to be “at peace with exactly how it is, even [including] the not-being-at-peace that sometimes arises.” We tend to assume, Tollifson writes, that a life of dignity “means being in control, not being overwhelmed by emotion, not screaming or crying in pain, not losing control of our bowels, not losing our minds, and so on”. But perhaps there’s more dignity in deciding not to run from what can’t be outrun. “Old age,” she goes on, “is an adventure in uselessness, loss of control, being nobody and giving up everything.” The challenge is to see which new experiences of decay and decline you’re able to welcome – since they will, in any case, be showing up at your door.
— Oliver Burkeman, Meditations for Mortals
This book is great beyond words. It opened up a kind of "vista" for me that I have never experienced before. It was like my 'authentic' self suddenly emerged and everything was seen through the lens of wonder and it's still happening.
—Eric Gross, Liberation from The Lie
Beautiful, profound, tender, playful, serious, true. Joan’s spirit is so remarkable, her humor, and her sense of being alive and grateful. A rare jewel.
—Lenore Friedman, Meetings with Remarkable Women
What’s remarkable and unique to me about Joan's book is the congruence of the presentation with the teachings she offers. The story of her life, the way she unfolds and reveals the whole mess of it, from birth to death—tears, laughter and poop—perfectly models what she is the Here-Nowness of everything, beyond right and wrong, seamlessly coming and going—in and out of linear time—all of it one whole Unicity. What’s special and remarkable for me about Joan is her utter transparency and humility as a teacher, always a student sharing and acknowledging the teachings of other teachers, seeking therapy and talking about it openly, as she does her illness, fears, etc. All of it! No high horse for Joan. Just one of the gang, like me, like everyone.
—Dot Fisher-Smith, artist, poet, activist
Tollifson doesn’t claim that embracing unpleasant experiences will stop them being unpleasant. Rather—and in a way that’s hard to express in words—it stops them being a problem. It becomes possible to be “at peace with exactly how it is, even [including] the not-being-at-peace that sometimes arises.” We tend to assume, Tollifson writes, that a life of dignity “means being in control, not being overwhelmed by emotion, not screaming or crying in pain, not losing control of our bowels, not losing our minds, and so on”. But perhaps there’s more dignity in deciding not to run from what can’t be outrun. “Old age,” she goes on, “is an adventure in uselessness, loss of control, being nobody and giving up everything.” The challenge is to see which new experiences of decay and decline you’re able to welcome – since they will, in any case, be showing up at your door.
— Oliver Burkeman, Meditations for Mortals
This book is great beyond words. It opened up a kind of "vista" for me that I have never experienced before. It was like my 'authentic' self suddenly emerged and everything was seen through the lens of wonder and it's still happening.
—Eric Gross, Liberation from The Lie
307 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 14, 2026
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
September 14, 2020
I loved the title of this book and the description, so I was a disappointed that the focus was more on the spiritual side and not on stories of her mother's death and her own illnesses amd addictions, as suggested in the book summary.
One of the reasons I bought this book was because I have a parent with a terminal illness, and I thought it would, in some way, prepare me for what is to come. I admit I only read the first half of the book before giving up on that hope.
I personally find that, like most books of this nature, the message gets repetitive - I kept getting a feeling of deja-vu - yes, we have understood that we need to be present "in the "Here-Now". how many times do we need to be told? Very many, it seems.
Yes, it is important to realise that we are okay as we are, in this present "Here-Now" moment, and understanding that doesn't exclude us from trying to improve, but we should be accepting of who and what we are. How many times do we need to be told? Very many, it seems.
Yes it is important to be non-judgemental of others and indeed ourselves. How many times do we need to be told? Very many, it seems.
Yes, I understand that I have just repeated myself several times, but I did it purposely to get you to understand the spirit of the book. How many times shall I repeat this? Very many, it seems.
Perhaps it's because I have read other texts like this that I am jaded. Or maybe the message isn't for me.
If you're into buddhism and spirituality, and find that repetitiveness helps to bring the point home, this is a great choice. And I'm not trying to be funny here: for some people having the same point explained again and again in a myriad of ways helps them to understand and consolidate the learning, and I totally get that.
If you were after a book that focused on how to mentally process the death of a loved one, this might not be what you're looking for.
One of the reasons I bought this book was because I have a parent with a terminal illness, and I thought it would, in some way, prepare me for what is to come. I admit I only read the first half of the book before giving up on that hope.
I personally find that, like most books of this nature, the message gets repetitive - I kept getting a feeling of deja-vu - yes, we have understood that we need to be present "in the "Here-Now". how many times do we need to be told? Very many, it seems.
Yes, it is important to realise that we are okay as we are, in this present "Here-Now" moment, and understanding that doesn't exclude us from trying to improve, but we should be accepting of who and what we are. How many times do we need to be told? Very many, it seems.
Yes it is important to be non-judgemental of others and indeed ourselves. How many times do we need to be told? Very many, it seems.
Yes, I understand that I have just repeated myself several times, but I did it purposely to get you to understand the spirit of the book. How many times shall I repeat this? Very many, it seems.
Perhaps it's because I have read other texts like this that I am jaded. Or maybe the message isn't for me.
If you're into buddhism and spirituality, and find that repetitiveness helps to bring the point home, this is a great choice. And I'm not trying to be funny here: for some people having the same point explained again and again in a myriad of ways helps them to understand and consolidate the learning, and I totally get that.
If you were after a book that focused on how to mentally process the death of a loved one, this might not be what you're looking for.
July 6, 2023
This book is one of the most lucid and honest takes on the lived experience of being human that I have read. There is no pretense, just generous and vulnerable sharing along with clear observations. Reading it felt like meditating, and I came away from my reading sessions feeling a sense of peace and centeredness similar to what can come from my meditation sessions.
The book is essentially a clear-eyed look at what it means to be a human being confronting the realities of loss that accompany life, and how to find freedom and joy in the experience. There is no prescription for pursuit of activity or ideal state; in fact, the book directly shows the limitations and dangers of such pursuits. Rather it is about a plain look at the nature of real existence. It helped me to put flesh onto Heidegger's understanding of being, which is not about a conceptualization of existence but of a fundamental reckoning of what actually exists, as in accessible and present (there is no "past" or "future" as independent entities that exist, these are rather ways of comporting in how one exists — the past being how the moment is delivered over to us, the future being the projection of possibilities we are living into). This book gives access to this simple and liberating perspective that is difficult to see, fleeting, and easily lost in the fog of human conceptualization. Ultimately, I think this book is a bracing and real look at the authentic experience of being a human being, the possibilities of freedom contained therein.
The book is essentially a clear-eyed look at what it means to be a human being confronting the realities of loss that accompany life, and how to find freedom and joy in the experience. There is no prescription for pursuit of activity or ideal state; in fact, the book directly shows the limitations and dangers of such pursuits. Rather it is about a plain look at the nature of real existence. It helped me to put flesh onto Heidegger's understanding of being, which is not about a conceptualization of existence but of a fundamental reckoning of what actually exists, as in accessible and present (there is no "past" or "future" as independent entities that exist, these are rather ways of comporting in how one exists — the past being how the moment is delivered over to us, the future being the projection of possibilities we are living into). This book gives access to this simple and liberating perspective that is difficult to see, fleeting, and easily lost in the fog of human conceptualization. Ultimately, I think this book is a bracing and real look at the authentic experience of being a human being, the possibilities of freedom contained therein.
February 4, 2020
A beautiful and pragmatic confrontation with death and other related taboo themes
I appreciate very much this grass-root confrontation with the taboo themes that are ageing, severe disease, dying and death. Joan Tollifson writes from a genuine human perspective embedded in a deep spiritual realization. Some qualities of this book are sane pragmatism, personal experience, humour, clarity, honesty and directness. There is no place for fake positive commonplaces or abstract detachment and yet all appears in the light of transcendence.
I am particularly touched by the love arising in apparently most messy and even repugnant situations, be it warm heartfelt human love or more mysterious all-encompassing unconditional love.
I appreciate very much this grass-root confrontation with the taboo themes that are ageing, severe disease, dying and death. Joan Tollifson writes from a genuine human perspective embedded in a deep spiritual realization. Some qualities of this book are sane pragmatism, personal experience, humour, clarity, honesty and directness. There is no place for fake positive commonplaces or abstract detachment and yet all appears in the light of transcendence.
I am particularly touched by the love arising in apparently most messy and even repugnant situations, be it warm heartfelt human love or more mysterious all-encompassing unconditional love.
May 7, 2025
Not for me. I found it extremely redundant with few fresh ideas as the book went on and on.
September 1, 2025
I like Joan for her no-nonsense, honest sharing of her life long experience of non-duality. This book is her latest one, about the last part of life. It is the first book i read of Joan. I can recommend it to anyone.
February 5, 2020
I love reading Joan Tollifson. She could probably write about anything and reveal its depth and interconnectedness with everything else. In this book, she is unabashedly frank about her life journey and her encounter with colon cancer, and her experiences of joy, grief, presence and loss when her mother dies. Her honesty and generosity always make me feel held and invited into Here-Now.
June 25, 2020
I LOVE JOAN TOLLIFSON
She is me. I am her. I inhale, she exhales. ....thump, thump...thump, thump...our hearts beat in indescribable syncopation....is that spelled right? Oh, well, who cares??
Suffice it to say ....sorry to yell, but....READ THIS AUTHOR....AND THIS BOOK!!
...Thank you again, Ms. Tollifson!!!
She is me. I am her. I inhale, she exhales. ....thump, thump...thump, thump...our hearts beat in indescribable syncopation....is that spelled right? Oh, well, who cares??
Suffice it to say ....sorry to yell, but....READ THIS AUTHOR....AND THIS BOOK!!
...Thank you again, Ms. Tollifson!!!
November 6, 2020
Wow!
A needed reminder on life's journey to live your life and be you. Shakespeare as always had it right - Life is a passing shadow. A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no more. Loved the title especially. So relax and be there- be present for "your hour."
A needed reminder on life's journey to live your life and be you. Shakespeare as always had it right - Life is a passing shadow. A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no more. Loved the title especially. So relax and be there- be present for "your hour."
August 11, 2020
This dear woman has been through the ringer regarding suffering and death, yet her take on it all is extraordinarily wise, compassionate, and courageously persistent. A difficult read but still a very worthwhile one.
November 15, 2025
Incredible. Helped bring me deeper into a full immersion in life since I can see more clearly that not one single thing is wrong with me or my experience.
Joan helps us realize the fundamental OKness of every moment, and the unbearable quiet beauty of the mundande when we understand that nothing has ever really gone wrong.
Enlightenment is not transcending life or its obstacles.
It is seeing that mistakes, suffering and obstacles are only interpretations, superimposed on a unknowable mystery that blooms with shining clarity when recognized.
It is also seeing that even the superimpositions is a naturally occuring phenomena, not apart from being itself. Not erroneous. Not bad. Not a mistake. Only part of viewing the mystery from the lens of a human mind.
Joan helps us find forgiveness for our imagined faults and shortcomings and helps us remember our wholeness.
TL;DR
Joan helps us remember our fundamental goodness, celebrate life and removes us from the burden of being complete humans by helping us see that our completeness can only truly be found in embracing our incompleteness.
Joan helps us realize the fundamental OKness of every moment, and the unbearable quiet beauty of the mundande when we understand that nothing has ever really gone wrong.
Enlightenment is not transcending life or its obstacles.
It is seeing that mistakes, suffering and obstacles are only interpretations, superimposed on a unknowable mystery that blooms with shining clarity when recognized.
It is also seeing that even the superimpositions is a naturally occuring phenomena, not apart from being itself. Not erroneous. Not bad. Not a mistake. Only part of viewing the mystery from the lens of a human mind.
Joan helps us find forgiveness for our imagined faults and shortcomings and helps us remember our wholeness.
TL;DR
Joan helps us remember our fundamental goodness, celebrate life and removes us from the burden of being complete humans by helping us see that our completeness can only truly be found in embracing our incompleteness.
June 28, 2025
Simply beautiful, real and human. Feels unfair to rate, something so clearly written from the heart, anything other than 5 stars.
Thank you Joan for sharing so much of your experience, truly grateful for being able to share this with you.
"[...] the greatest gift we can offer to ourselves and the world is to be awake and rooted in love."
"I love movies, plays, TV shows, novels, gossip. The best stories open the mind and the heart."
"Trying to find happiness on a passing form is inevitably disappointing."
"Theresa and I sat on opposite sides of Lydia's cooling body, her first love and her last love."
"I could feel tears in my eyes, feeling how much I love being alive, how precious it is, even though I don't fear death."
This and many more passages from the book have marked me and will stay with me.
Perfect, thank you.
Thank you Joan for sharing so much of your experience, truly grateful for being able to share this with you.
"[...] the greatest gift we can offer to ourselves and the world is to be awake and rooted in love."
"I love movies, plays, TV shows, novels, gossip. The best stories open the mind and the heart."
"Trying to find happiness on a passing form is inevitably disappointing."
"Theresa and I sat on opposite sides of Lydia's cooling body, her first love and her last love."
"I could feel tears in my eyes, feeling how much I love being alive, how precious it is, even though I don't fear death."
This and many more passages from the book have marked me and will stay with me.
Perfect, thank you.
December 8, 2024
I appreciate Joan's voice as a female guide in Awakening ... Awakened womyn have a bit different flavor than men ... and I was craving female voices in this area after spending so much time digesting (wonderful) male teachers. Tollifson has a lovely way of weaving our humanity and dualistic experience with non-dual Truth. She is raw and real vs transcendant. I appreciate her alongside others such as Gangaji, Pema Chodron, Roshi Joan Halifax ...
July 25, 2024
Um livro sincero, profundo e esclarecedor sobre o processo de viver, envelhecer e morrer. Me sentindo ainda mais grato por essa vida, por minha saúde, familia e amigos (todas coisas que um dia também vão desaparecer). Me sentindo mais motivado para cuidar de todas essas coisas durante meu processo de amadurecimento e envelhecimento. Super recomendo.
July 11, 2026
illuminating and deeply moving.
So many pearls of wisdom, so much hope, clarity, laughter, and insight. I look forward to reading again as I know I will gain more wisdom and compassion with each pass. Well worth the time. So grateful I found this gem at just the right time in my journey. Thank you.
So many pearls of wisdom, so much hope, clarity, laughter, and insight. I look forward to reading again as I know I will gain more wisdom and compassion with each pass. Well worth the time. So grateful I found this gem at just the right time in my journey. Thank you.
March 6, 2024
wonderful reading <3
Joan Tollison is a gifted and loving communicator of non-dual living, in this book combined with the naked description of the disintegration of human existence. There is so much love in this book.
Joan Tollison is a gifted and loving communicator of non-dual living, in this book combined with the naked description of the disintegration of human existence. There is so much love in this book.
August 2, 2024
Raw, real, meditative
You can tell Joan Tollifson held nothing back in this book. She let her words flow and shared all with us as the readers. At times it seems rambling or repetitive but I think it is worth it for the many gems you will find sprinkled throughout.
You can tell Joan Tollifson held nothing back in this book. She let her words flow and shared all with us as the readers. At times it seems rambling or repetitive but I think it is worth it for the many gems you will find sprinkled throughout.
April 21, 2025
This isn't the best written book - rather repetitive. But, she is amazing and it's the most honest, straightforward book I've read about dying - her mother's death and her own declining health towards death. Her message is very clear and it's a helpful message.
November 17, 2019
great book
Really enjoyed this book and, as a male, learned a lot about female physiology. Lots of wisdom here. Thanks a lot.
Really enjoyed this book and, as a male, learned a lot about female physiology. Lots of wisdom here. Thanks a lot.
October 1, 2021
Some brilliant insights
May 17, 2023
Actually sobering.
Amazing how much Joan finds beauty amidst so much death
Amazing how much Joan finds beauty amidst so much death
February 16, 2024
An astonishingly powerful book that everyone should read.
March 11, 2024
The writing rambles and is not direct, but it suits the content very well actually. A very clear-eyed read full of wisdom and charm.
July 24, 2024
Brave and beautiful and confronting and peaceful. Adored it.
April 26, 2025
Inspiring, humbling, messy, and transcendent.
October 29, 2025
Dense with flashes of brilliance. I enjoyed reading it in small doses. A daily inspiration.
Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews