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Grace Based Parenting: Set Your Family Free
Discover a parenting style that nurtures a healthy family and displaces fear as a motivator for behavior. Learn how to meet your child's three driving inner needs for security, significance and strength with the invaluable gifts of love, purpose and hope. Modern parents are stressed out and tired. They’ve tried countless parenting books on the market, many of which are harsh, fear-based books that loving parents instinctively reject. As Christians, we frequently believe that the battle for a child's heart and soul is fought on the outside with rigid rules and boundaries, when in fact the opposite is true. Dr. Tim Kimmel, founder of Family Matters ministries, offers a timeless look at parenting. Rejecting rigidity and checklists that don't work, Dr. Kimmel recommends a parenting style that is the opposite, emphasizing the importance of communicating the unconditional love that Christ offers and affirming this timeless message of grace to one's family. In Grace-Based Parenting , you’ll learn: As we embrace the grace God offers, we begin to give it—creating a solid foundation for growing morally strong and spiritually motivated children. This revolutionary book presents a whole new way to nurture your family.
272 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2004
573 people are currently reading
5640 people want to read
About the author
Tim Kimmel
53 books31 followersDr. Tim Kimmel is one of America's top advocates speaking for the family. He is the Executive Director of Family Matters, whose goal is to build great relationships by educating, equipping and encouraging families for every age and stage of life. Tim conducts conferences across the country on the unique pressures that confront today's families. His conferences include: Home Improvement: Building a Great Marriage, Basic Training For A Few Good Men, Raising Kids Who Turn Out Right, and Parenting 101. In addition to conducting Family Matters' conferences and keynote speaking, Tim and his wife, Darcy, are speakers for FamilyLife Ministry's Weekend To Remember conference.
Not only is Tim a well-known speaker, he has authored many books including: Little House on the Freeway (featured in the Billy Graham crusades), Gold Medallion Winner Grace Based Parenting, Raising Kids for True Greatness, 50 Ways to Really Love Your Kids, Raising Kids Who Turn Out Right, Why Christian Kids Rebel, The High Cost of High Control, and Basic Training For A Few Good Men. He has also developed several video studies including The Hurried Family, Basic Training For A Few Good Men, Raising Kids Who Turn Out Right, and Grandparenthood: More Than Rocking Chairs.
Tim has been a featured guest on radio and television programs such as Dayside on FOX News channel, Dr. James Dobson's 'Focus on the Family', 'The 700 Club', Moody Broadcasting's 'Midday Connection', and 'Family Life Today.' Tim also hosted his own nationally syndicated talk show for five years called 'Tim Kimmel Live'.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 365 reviews
May 14, 2012
I read this book because I've heard so much discussion. I strongly disagreed with the viewpoint and found its thoughts largely unhelpful.
• Kimmel used "grace based" rather loosely and left me feeling that it was just a term for his own perspective. As such, it felt like an unfair prejudicing of the debate. Who's going to win arguing for the anti-grace based approach?
• I agree with his basic dictum that we should treat our kids the way God treats us. I do think, however, that his view of God is distorted. I'm not comfortable, for instance, with defining grace as the core of Christianity. If I had to say one thing I might say the cross. "Grace" without clarification says nothing about sin (and what it cost to win grace). Many of his comments might be debated, but seem to lead a direction I'm not comfortable with. For instance:
Legalistic homes "teach the standards and rules that God outlines in the Scriptures and do everything in their power to keep their children from choosing sin. In these types of families, it's real easy for kids to assume that things can actually be sin (R-rated movies, spiked hair, short skirts, kids who hang out in groups at the mall, rap music, etc.). These types of homes also make it easy to assume that certain actions are inherently sinful (dancing, watching The Simpsons, coed swimming, going to secular rock concerts, French kissing, etc.). If the list gets long enough, and the barriers that protect the children from these evil "things" and sinful "actions" stay strong enough, it is assumed that the children will find it easier to maintain holiness." To grace based families, "sin is not an action or an object that penetrates their defenses; it is a preexisting condition that permeates their being" (215).
• His exegesis was bad. Really bad. I'm accustomed to reading bad exegesis in marriage and parenting books. This took it to another level. See 110-112 or 223-224. 156-157 is funny. Jesus' disciples were blue-collar workers and therefore might have had tattoos (??) and since Jesus didn't rebuke that it must be okay. By the end, I got nervous anytime he mentioned a verse.
• The thing that bugged me most was the way a child's struggles all went back to parental failure. It started feeling like psycho-analysis and quite deterministic. For instance:
"If you strap a four-month-old child in a highchair and leave him there, there's absolutely nothing he can do to get out of it. He is stuck there until you lift them out. An infant left on his own for long periods of time this way is taught that no matter how much he hopes for relief, no relief is coming. If there are enough scenarios like this in his early life, he could assume that there isn't much in life worth putting his hope in. This makes him vulnerable to embracing Satan's counterfeits of power, control, or abuse as substitutes for hope and conditions him away from the notion that it is even worth it to put his trust in God" (98). "Unfortunately, parental negligence - whether intentional or unintentional - can set a child up to struggle with hopelessness and feelings of inadequacy for a lifetime" (97).
• Much of the book sounded like a recipe for a child-centered home. For instance, they instituted "what's your beef nights" where the kids could bring up any thing they felt the parents had done wrong. The parents weren't allowed to clarify or explain - just say they were sorry. (206-207).
Overall, I wouldn't think this book is worth your time.
Here are a few notes and excerpts I jotted down while reading.
9 - "the real test of a parenting model is how well equipped the children are to move into adulthood as vital members of the human race." Nothing about loving God?
11 - he says that evangelicals withdrew from culture in the 60s and created our own parallel cultural universe. Ironically, this is the date for the rise of the "new evangelicalism" that specifically sought to engage with the culture!
12 - the culture has secularized. What went wrong? It's because we stopped having good families. Seems really over-simplistic in terms of history.
14-16 - Types of bad parenting: (1) Fear based where they are afraid of the world, (2) behavior modification where you try to give them a good environment, (3) image control (conformity for the sake of reputation, (4) high control, (5) herd mentality following fads, (6) duct tape where you deal with a string of crises, and (7) 911 parenting (same idea).
16-17 these come down to judgmental (we're better than that family) or legalistic (God will appreciate you if you do this).
25 - the three fundamental needs of a child are security, significance and strength. The answers are love, purpose and hope.
26 - talking about the myriad advice people face for their patenting is a good way to make this book stand out so it isn't just one more parenting book.
28-29 not real comfortable with picking out grace (or any other concept) as the single core of Christianity.
32 - "Ephesians 5:22 is between a wife and God, not between a husband and wife." I do think a husband has a leadership role to bring this up sometimes.
52 - weak definition of love - "love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests regardless of the cost."
55 - I think that obnoxious or embarrassing things are still worthy of correction - I want Jeremy to grow into social awareness. I don't think helping him on this will "build a foundation of insecurity in them."
59-60 - conclusion from the example seems a little simplistic.
61 - limits family rules to " times when it's the only workable solution or makes godly sense. Otherwise it makes no sense—especially if you are trying to teach your child the way god treats us. Kids inside homes where nonmoral issues are elevated to the level of big problems don't get to experience the kind of acceptance that makes a heart feel securely loved."
72 - it feels like a child is doomed to failure and personal catastrophe if parents fail to show them all minds of emotional support. Something feels really Freudian. I would rather think parenting is about transferring a worldview and instilling character. Also 84, 172
75 - "Its more important that we help our children reach their potential than it is to see our own dreams come true." Sounds like a child centered home. What about something like, "we should be ministering along with our children so they will want to give their lives serving God as well."
77 - a list of nice warm life purposes for children but not one that relates to God.
89 - his view of depravity seems weak.
97 - good statement: our children need "to be raised by parents who treat them the way Christ treats us as parents."
96 - weak definition of grace.
97- "unfortunately, parental negligence - whether intentional or unintentional - can set a child up to struggle with hopelessness and feelings of inadequacy for a lifetime."
98 - Very deterministic. "If you strap a four-month-old child in a highchair and leave him there, there's absolutely nothing he can do to get out of it. He is stuck there until you lift them out. An infant left on his own for long periods of time this way is taught that no matter how much he hopes for relief, no relief is coming. If there are enough scenarios like this in his early life, he could assume that there isn't much in life worth putting his hope in. This makes him vulnerable to embracing Satan's counterfeits of power, control, or abuse as substitutes for hope and conditions him away from the notion that it is even worth it to put his trust in God."
100 - applies this to schedule feeding.
102-104 - argues from Jesus' teaching but completely misses the main point - seek first the kingdom of God. Instead it becomes how God is our heavenly therapist and provider for our needs and we should do that for our kids.
110-112 a tour de force of bad exegesis. Note particularly the argument from a plural that is actually singular in the Hebrew and in most English translations.
114 - impressively bad argument - "what's interesting about the God of creation is that every time He made something, He commented that it was "good." But notice: He never suggested that what He made was "safe." Spend a night at sea in a terrible storm and you realize just how unsafe the universe can be." Strange.
122 - in a list of 12 goals for how kids should turn out, only one is spiritual.
129 - "Personal behavior remained the litmus test, and that development still haunts many within the mainstream evangelical church today." Jesus says you'll know people by their fruits.
132 - "One thing I knew: I didn't want my children growing up in a home where they felt that God's pleasure was determined by their behavior."
132-133 - obnoxious posturing against people who disagree.
142-43 - If it's not biblically forbidden parents should let their children do something.
152 - not sure how it works to apply Exod. 20:4-6 to Jack-o-lanterns. Really bad explanation of worldliness.
155 - "Using God's Word out of context to win your argument is a variation of taking God's name in vain—something strictly forbidden in the Ten Commandments." Really? No further support or explanation.
156-57 - CRAZY argument. Jesus' disciples might have had tattoos and he never rebuked tattooes specifically so it's okay.
166 - He seems to use "grace based home" just meaning good parents or people that handle something the way Kimmel would.
176 - talking about 2 Cor. 12, "it was in God's grace that Paul figured out how to feel secure, significant, and strong."
188 - a legitimate concept of a home where kids can candidly ask hard questions and talk openly about their struggles.
193 (top) - strange that the problem in a family is the parents dishonoring the kids. Seems backwards somehow.
194 - we need to "let" our children speak to us in a way that is constructive and loving. He seems to assume that they will do that if we just give them the opportunity, not that we have to require them to.
205-206 - the worst exegesis of Heb. 12:17.
206-207 - they had "what's your beef nights" where the kids could bring up any thing they felt the parents had done wrong. The parents weren't allowed to clarify or explain - just say they were sorry.
208-209 - really strange conversation.
215 - legalistic homes "teach the standards and rules that God outlines in the Scriptures and do everything in their power to keep their children from choosing sin. In these types of families, it's real easy for kids to assume that things can actually be sin (R-rated movies, spiked hair, short skirts, kids who hang out in groups at the mall, rap music, etc.). These types of homes also make it easy to assume that certain actions are inherently sinful (dancing, watching The Simpsons, coed swimming, going to secular rock concerts, French kissing, etc.). If the list gets long enough, and the barriers that protect the children from these evil "things" and sinful "actions" stay strong enough, it is assumed that the children will find it easier to maintain holiness." To grace based families, "sin is not an action or an object that penetrates their defenses; it is a preexisting condition that permeates their being."
218 - good point: kids should feel like they're free to communicate their struggles with sin.
221 - when your kids sin the important thing is not to condemn. In the next paragraph he says this will help them trust Christ later. But doesn't God condemn sin - especially unsaved people?
223-224 - "If the father in the story [of the prodigal son] represents God... then it is obvious that God is telling us 'Listen, I'm God, and yet because of free will, I can't (or won't) stop My children from rebelling. If I can't keep my children in line, and I'm God, I don't see why you should be beating yourself up for not keeping yours in line."
224 - there are lots of legitimate forms of discipline besides just spanking. You need to find a method that is "most effective and align well with you."
228 - summarizes the book well: "You wonder, How am I to raise up children to love and serve God? The answer is actually not that difficult. You simply need to treat your children the way God treats you. He does it in His grace. And here's the good part. If the only thing you get right as parents is His grace, everything else will be just fine."
• Kimmel used "grace based" rather loosely and left me feeling that it was just a term for his own perspective. As such, it felt like an unfair prejudicing of the debate. Who's going to win arguing for the anti-grace based approach?
• I agree with his basic dictum that we should treat our kids the way God treats us. I do think, however, that his view of God is distorted. I'm not comfortable, for instance, with defining grace as the core of Christianity. If I had to say one thing I might say the cross. "Grace" without clarification says nothing about sin (and what it cost to win grace). Many of his comments might be debated, but seem to lead a direction I'm not comfortable with. For instance:
Legalistic homes "teach the standards and rules that God outlines in the Scriptures and do everything in their power to keep their children from choosing sin. In these types of families, it's real easy for kids to assume that things can actually be sin (R-rated movies, spiked hair, short skirts, kids who hang out in groups at the mall, rap music, etc.). These types of homes also make it easy to assume that certain actions are inherently sinful (dancing, watching The Simpsons, coed swimming, going to secular rock concerts, French kissing, etc.). If the list gets long enough, and the barriers that protect the children from these evil "things" and sinful "actions" stay strong enough, it is assumed that the children will find it easier to maintain holiness." To grace based families, "sin is not an action or an object that penetrates their defenses; it is a preexisting condition that permeates their being" (215).
• His exegesis was bad. Really bad. I'm accustomed to reading bad exegesis in marriage and parenting books. This took it to another level. See 110-112 or 223-224. 156-157 is funny. Jesus' disciples were blue-collar workers and therefore might have had tattoos (??) and since Jesus didn't rebuke that it must be okay. By the end, I got nervous anytime he mentioned a verse.
• The thing that bugged me most was the way a child's struggles all went back to parental failure. It started feeling like psycho-analysis and quite deterministic. For instance:
"If you strap a four-month-old child in a highchair and leave him there, there's absolutely nothing he can do to get out of it. He is stuck there until you lift them out. An infant left on his own for long periods of time this way is taught that no matter how much he hopes for relief, no relief is coming. If there are enough scenarios like this in his early life, he could assume that there isn't much in life worth putting his hope in. This makes him vulnerable to embracing Satan's counterfeits of power, control, or abuse as substitutes for hope and conditions him away from the notion that it is even worth it to put his trust in God" (98). "Unfortunately, parental negligence - whether intentional or unintentional - can set a child up to struggle with hopelessness and feelings of inadequacy for a lifetime" (97).
• Much of the book sounded like a recipe for a child-centered home. For instance, they instituted "what's your beef nights" where the kids could bring up any thing they felt the parents had done wrong. The parents weren't allowed to clarify or explain - just say they were sorry. (206-207).
Overall, I wouldn't think this book is worth your time.
Here are a few notes and excerpts I jotted down while reading.
9 - "the real test of a parenting model is how well equipped the children are to move into adulthood as vital members of the human race." Nothing about loving God?
11 - he says that evangelicals withdrew from culture in the 60s and created our own parallel cultural universe. Ironically, this is the date for the rise of the "new evangelicalism" that specifically sought to engage with the culture!
12 - the culture has secularized. What went wrong? It's because we stopped having good families. Seems really over-simplistic in terms of history.
14-16 - Types of bad parenting: (1) Fear based where they are afraid of the world, (2) behavior modification where you try to give them a good environment, (3) image control (conformity for the sake of reputation, (4) high control, (5) herd mentality following fads, (6) duct tape where you deal with a string of crises, and (7) 911 parenting (same idea).
16-17 these come down to judgmental (we're better than that family) or legalistic (God will appreciate you if you do this).
25 - the three fundamental needs of a child are security, significance and strength. The answers are love, purpose and hope.
26 - talking about the myriad advice people face for their patenting is a good way to make this book stand out so it isn't just one more parenting book.
28-29 not real comfortable with picking out grace (or any other concept) as the single core of Christianity.
32 - "Ephesians 5:22 is between a wife and God, not between a husband and wife." I do think a husband has a leadership role to bring this up sometimes.
52 - weak definition of love - "love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests regardless of the cost."
55 - I think that obnoxious or embarrassing things are still worthy of correction - I want Jeremy to grow into social awareness. I don't think helping him on this will "build a foundation of insecurity in them."
59-60 - conclusion from the example seems a little simplistic.
61 - limits family rules to " times when it's the only workable solution or makes godly sense. Otherwise it makes no sense—especially if you are trying to teach your child the way god treats us. Kids inside homes where nonmoral issues are elevated to the level of big problems don't get to experience the kind of acceptance that makes a heart feel securely loved."
72 - it feels like a child is doomed to failure and personal catastrophe if parents fail to show them all minds of emotional support. Something feels really Freudian. I would rather think parenting is about transferring a worldview and instilling character. Also 84, 172
75 - "Its more important that we help our children reach their potential than it is to see our own dreams come true." Sounds like a child centered home. What about something like, "we should be ministering along with our children so they will want to give their lives serving God as well."
77 - a list of nice warm life purposes for children but not one that relates to God.
89 - his view of depravity seems weak.
97 - good statement: our children need "to be raised by parents who treat them the way Christ treats us as parents."
96 - weak definition of grace.
97- "unfortunately, parental negligence - whether intentional or unintentional - can set a child up to struggle with hopelessness and feelings of inadequacy for a lifetime."
98 - Very deterministic. "If you strap a four-month-old child in a highchair and leave him there, there's absolutely nothing he can do to get out of it. He is stuck there until you lift them out. An infant left on his own for long periods of time this way is taught that no matter how much he hopes for relief, no relief is coming. If there are enough scenarios like this in his early life, he could assume that there isn't much in life worth putting his hope in. This makes him vulnerable to embracing Satan's counterfeits of power, control, or abuse as substitutes for hope and conditions him away from the notion that it is even worth it to put his trust in God."
100 - applies this to schedule feeding.
102-104 - argues from Jesus' teaching but completely misses the main point - seek first the kingdom of God. Instead it becomes how God is our heavenly therapist and provider for our needs and we should do that for our kids.
110-112 a tour de force of bad exegesis. Note particularly the argument from a plural that is actually singular in the Hebrew and in most English translations.
114 - impressively bad argument - "what's interesting about the God of creation is that every time He made something, He commented that it was "good." But notice: He never suggested that what He made was "safe." Spend a night at sea in a terrible storm and you realize just how unsafe the universe can be." Strange.
122 - in a list of 12 goals for how kids should turn out, only one is spiritual.
129 - "Personal behavior remained the litmus test, and that development still haunts many within the mainstream evangelical church today." Jesus says you'll know people by their fruits.
132 - "One thing I knew: I didn't want my children growing up in a home where they felt that God's pleasure was determined by their behavior."
132-133 - obnoxious posturing against people who disagree.
142-43 - If it's not biblically forbidden parents should let their children do something.
152 - not sure how it works to apply Exod. 20:4-6 to Jack-o-lanterns. Really bad explanation of worldliness.
155 - "Using God's Word out of context to win your argument is a variation of taking God's name in vain—something strictly forbidden in the Ten Commandments." Really? No further support or explanation.
156-57 - CRAZY argument. Jesus' disciples might have had tattoos and he never rebuked tattooes specifically so it's okay.
166 - He seems to use "grace based home" just meaning good parents or people that handle something the way Kimmel would.
176 - talking about 2 Cor. 12, "it was in God's grace that Paul figured out how to feel secure, significant, and strong."
188 - a legitimate concept of a home where kids can candidly ask hard questions and talk openly about their struggles.
193 (top) - strange that the problem in a family is the parents dishonoring the kids. Seems backwards somehow.
194 - we need to "let" our children speak to us in a way that is constructive and loving. He seems to assume that they will do that if we just give them the opportunity, not that we have to require them to.
205-206 - the worst exegesis of Heb. 12:17.
206-207 - they had "what's your beef nights" where the kids could bring up any thing they felt the parents had done wrong. The parents weren't allowed to clarify or explain - just say they were sorry.
208-209 - really strange conversation.
215 - legalistic homes "teach the standards and rules that God outlines in the Scriptures and do everything in their power to keep their children from choosing sin. In these types of families, it's real easy for kids to assume that things can actually be sin (R-rated movies, spiked hair, short skirts, kids who hang out in groups at the mall, rap music, etc.). These types of homes also make it easy to assume that certain actions are inherently sinful (dancing, watching The Simpsons, coed swimming, going to secular rock concerts, French kissing, etc.). If the list gets long enough, and the barriers that protect the children from these evil "things" and sinful "actions" stay strong enough, it is assumed that the children will find it easier to maintain holiness." To grace based families, "sin is not an action or an object that penetrates their defenses; it is a preexisting condition that permeates their being."
218 - good point: kids should feel like they're free to communicate their struggles with sin.
221 - when your kids sin the important thing is not to condemn. In the next paragraph he says this will help them trust Christ later. But doesn't God condemn sin - especially unsaved people?
223-224 - "If the father in the story [of the prodigal son] represents God... then it is obvious that God is telling us 'Listen, I'm God, and yet because of free will, I can't (or won't) stop My children from rebelling. If I can't keep my children in line, and I'm God, I don't see why you should be beating yourself up for not keeping yours in line."
224 - there are lots of legitimate forms of discipline besides just spanking. You need to find a method that is "most effective and align well with you."
228 - summarizes the book well: "You wonder, How am I to raise up children to love and serve God? The answer is actually not that difficult. You simply need to treat your children the way God treats you. He does it in His grace. And here's the good part. If the only thing you get right as parents is His grace, everything else will be just fine."
March 15, 2022
4.5
This is a good, tender, perspective-giving parenting book. It stands together with Paul D. Tripp’s “Parenting: 14 gospel principles ...” as two of the best parenting books I have read. What I appreciate about both is their focus not on right methods (which, if existent, will always elude being copied), but on right seeing (thus on heart change informed by the gospel).
The message of the book is to let the transformative grace of God shape your parenting, learning, as you grow in christlikeness, to treat your children as God treats you.
I was often moved by the description of such grace-filled nurturing homes where costly love is pursued, homes of honour that cherish one another, that extend generous helpings of affection, that hold with careful listening any shared vulnerability, that equip children for a purposeful life with timely affirmation, attention, admonition and gift them with a strong hope, homes where there is listening rather than lecturing, response rather than reaction, engagement rather than dismissal, prayer rather than judgment. Homes of candour, forgiveness, acceptance.
As for downsides:
1. it leans heavily towards responding to legalistic parenting - many examples and reactions to intense legalism (that I could not relate to, but then, it was written almost 20 years ago, when this was more prevalent… I guess now we’ve moved to the other extreme).
2. at times the writing could have been more concise and less repetitive, which is a pity as there were definitely golden distilled passages not to be skimmed
3. at times the biblical exegesis feels kind of loose or forced, though I think the author nailed the overall heart of it. (Perhaps it is this evangelical custom/pressure to back up every idea with a verse/bible passage).
This is a good, tender, perspective-giving parenting book. It stands together with Paul D. Tripp’s “Parenting: 14 gospel principles ...” as two of the best parenting books I have read. What I appreciate about both is their focus not on right methods (which, if existent, will always elude being copied), but on right seeing (thus on heart change informed by the gospel).
The message of the book is to let the transformative grace of God shape your parenting, learning, as you grow in christlikeness, to treat your children as God treats you.
I was often moved by the description of such grace-filled nurturing homes where costly love is pursued, homes of honour that cherish one another, that extend generous helpings of affection, that hold with careful listening any shared vulnerability, that equip children for a purposeful life with timely affirmation, attention, admonition and gift them with a strong hope, homes where there is listening rather than lecturing, response rather than reaction, engagement rather than dismissal, prayer rather than judgment. Homes of candour, forgiveness, acceptance.
As for downsides:
1. it leans heavily towards responding to legalistic parenting - many examples and reactions to intense legalism (that I could not relate to, but then, it was written almost 20 years ago, when this was more prevalent… I guess now we’ve moved to the other extreme).
2. at times the writing could have been more concise and less repetitive, which is a pity as there were definitely golden distilled passages not to be skimmed
3. at times the biblical exegesis feels kind of loose or forced, though I think the author nailed the overall heart of it. (Perhaps it is this evangelical custom/pressure to back up every idea with a verse/bible passage).
September 23, 2011
I don't know if it was the writer's style or the present mood or circumstances I've been in, but I had to put the book down. Every time I'd put pick it up, I'd eventually find myself in a disgruntled mood (about life, my marriage and the ways were were each brought up). I got through over half the book. I thought the ideas and precepts were really good, but the ways he elaborated on them were not helpful. I found him more critical of people that don't parent "right" and he seemed prone to using scare tactics to deter parents. The scare tactics were used as either "you get only one chance at getting it right". He did not come across as a gracious author and his book is based on grace. I was always confused and conflicted as I read. He said parents should parent like God, but there were little specifics on how God parents. The best thing that I took from him was encouragement to let my children be in the world and not isolate them in a controlled 'Christian' environment. This takes courage and wisdom, both of which I am challenged to seek God more on. I'm discouraged that I couldn't finish the book since so many people like it, maybe I'll try again later...
February 28, 2012
Was so excited about this book, but for the most part was left disappointed. Dr. Kimmel's problem isn't that he isn't informed, but that he doesn't clearly say what he's getting at. I love the overall message that Kimmel is giving about grace-based parenting, but every chapter in this book could have been shortened considerably if he didn't beat a dead horse into the ground at every turn. Perhaps the most frustrating aspect is that his parenting focus seems to be a response to legalistic parenting, and so instead of teaching what grace-based parenting looks like, he spends most of the pages degrading poor parenting. For someone who preaches grace for children, he doesn't have much for parents.
The teaching here is mostly good, but the presentation makes it a bitter pill to swallow at times.
The teaching here is mostly good, but the presentation makes it a bitter pill to swallow at times.
May 31, 2011
Now it may seem odd at first glance that I, a single, childless woman, would pick up a book on parenting, but I have a bit of a love-affair with grace and happened across this lovely tome whilst babysitting at my sister's. The beautiful thing about this one is that it's less of a parenting how-to (totally irrelevant to me) and more of understanding and developing my relationship with God by understanding and developing all sorts of relationships around me. In short, this book is about living life with a keen awareness of my own desperate need for constant grace! This should really be titled something like Grace-Based Living (or Christocentric or Gospel-Oriented… you get the idea). It's not a difficult read and sometimes I feel Kimmel tries to hard in making his points – the average intellect got it a couple pages ago already – but then there are many other passages that you can only ingest a sentence or two at a time. I recommend this to anyone with any kind of relationship to any other human. Slash "all y'all".
Some favourite moments (this is mostly for my failing memory, not necessarily anyone else's edification, though take from it what you will):
- Truth is inseparable from grace. Boundaries in one's life stem from a passionate and grateful relationship with Christ rather than a moral checklist of human invention. Grace and truth are like Siamese twins joined at the heart – to separate is to kill both.
- "Cheap grace" isn't really grace at all. Rather, grace pushes toward holiness and propels us to embrace truth. "Cheap grace" holds people down and sets them up for heartache. "Cheap grace" is cowardice, laziness, and selfishness.
- Raising "safe Christian kids" is a spiritual disaster in the making. Folks, I'm a huge fan of the theory of Christian education (to take one small example) but in reality, I've seen Christian schools become 'safe havens' for parents too lazy or just plain unable to parent well. The result is kids who are ill equipped to live fruitfully in the world or to be able to respond well to any ideas that don't fit into the safe little boxes we've contrived for them. Jesus is good, but He isn't safe (yes, that's an Aslan reference). There are risks to living Christianly – read Hebrews 11! In attempting to provide a sanitary, hermetically sealed Christian existence, we forget the power of God – we think God is incapable of doing what He said He would do. Friends, that's a strong indictment. Raising safe kids produces a generation of people who must stay within a spiritually sterilized environment in order to thrive. These are nice systems that produce nice kids who marry nice kids who go to nice churches and hang out with like-minded friends. (Dare I mention the majority of Dutch Reformed churches?!)
- Legalism is the lazy man's religion. It doesn't require much thinking, or a relationship with God.
- Grace, on the other hand, is freeing – it gives the freedom to be different, to be vulnerable, to be candid, to make mistakes (that last one is a toughie for any Dutchie). Therefore, living by grace can be hard, because it is unnatural.
- Grace isn't a nice little theological system that allows you to do anything you want. Rather, it's a lifestyle and set of choices that are the outgrowth of a walk (a lifelong journey with twists and turns!) with Him.
- Grace-based families aren't preoccupied with keeping sin out by putting a fence between themselves and the world. These fences don't exist, because grace-based people understand that sin is already present and accounted for inside each one of us. Sin is not an action or object that somehow managed to penetrate our defenses; it is a pre-existing condition that permeates our being. Grace-based parents aren't surprised or angry by sin; they expect it – and point the sinner to the work of Christ on his behalf.
- Legalism: an exoskeleton that depends on an external environment to hold our urges in check and temptation at bay.
- Grace: an endoskeleton that sees our strength by Who is working inside us. The unlimited power of Christ and thorough effect of His finished work on the cross form the internal belief system that functions as the skeleton keeping us strong.
- "Your propensity toward sin shouldn't surprise, threaten, or even bother you. You know you're a sinner. You realize you have a bent toward selfishness, stubbornness, and lawlessness – exactly the kind of person Christ loves and for whom He died. By acknowledging your children's sin from the outset, you can encourage them to struggle with their sin out in the open where you can talk about it and direct them to the power of Christ. And when the children are actually sinning, grace makes it easy for you to have open, candid, and vulnerable discussions about the areas in which they struggle. You should be able to talk openly and honestly about sin because you're aware of your own sin. Grace demands a humility and sensitivity toward your children's battles with sin because grace is a daily reminder of how desperately you need the Saviour as well."
Some favourite moments (this is mostly for my failing memory, not necessarily anyone else's edification, though take from it what you will):
- Truth is inseparable from grace. Boundaries in one's life stem from a passionate and grateful relationship with Christ rather than a moral checklist of human invention. Grace and truth are like Siamese twins joined at the heart – to separate is to kill both.
- "Cheap grace" isn't really grace at all. Rather, grace pushes toward holiness and propels us to embrace truth. "Cheap grace" holds people down and sets them up for heartache. "Cheap grace" is cowardice, laziness, and selfishness.
- Raising "safe Christian kids" is a spiritual disaster in the making. Folks, I'm a huge fan of the theory of Christian education (to take one small example) but in reality, I've seen Christian schools become 'safe havens' for parents too lazy or just plain unable to parent well. The result is kids who are ill equipped to live fruitfully in the world or to be able to respond well to any ideas that don't fit into the safe little boxes we've contrived for them. Jesus is good, but He isn't safe (yes, that's an Aslan reference). There are risks to living Christianly – read Hebrews 11! In attempting to provide a sanitary, hermetically sealed Christian existence, we forget the power of God – we think God is incapable of doing what He said He would do. Friends, that's a strong indictment. Raising safe kids produces a generation of people who must stay within a spiritually sterilized environment in order to thrive. These are nice systems that produce nice kids who marry nice kids who go to nice churches and hang out with like-minded friends. (Dare I mention the majority of Dutch Reformed churches?!)
- Legalism is the lazy man's religion. It doesn't require much thinking, or a relationship with God.
- Grace, on the other hand, is freeing – it gives the freedom to be different, to be vulnerable, to be candid, to make mistakes (that last one is a toughie for any Dutchie). Therefore, living by grace can be hard, because it is unnatural.
- Grace isn't a nice little theological system that allows you to do anything you want. Rather, it's a lifestyle and set of choices that are the outgrowth of a walk (a lifelong journey with twists and turns!) with Him.
- Grace-based families aren't preoccupied with keeping sin out by putting a fence between themselves and the world. These fences don't exist, because grace-based people understand that sin is already present and accounted for inside each one of us. Sin is not an action or object that somehow managed to penetrate our defenses; it is a pre-existing condition that permeates our being. Grace-based parents aren't surprised or angry by sin; they expect it – and point the sinner to the work of Christ on his behalf.
- Legalism: an exoskeleton that depends on an external environment to hold our urges in check and temptation at bay.
- Grace: an endoskeleton that sees our strength by Who is working inside us. The unlimited power of Christ and thorough effect of His finished work on the cross form the internal belief system that functions as the skeleton keeping us strong.
- "Your propensity toward sin shouldn't surprise, threaten, or even bother you. You know you're a sinner. You realize you have a bent toward selfishness, stubbornness, and lawlessness – exactly the kind of person Christ loves and for whom He died. By acknowledging your children's sin from the outset, you can encourage them to struggle with their sin out in the open where you can talk about it and direct them to the power of Christ. And when the children are actually sinning, grace makes it easy for you to have open, candid, and vulnerable discussions about the areas in which they struggle. You should be able to talk openly and honestly about sin because you're aware of your own sin. Grace demands a humility and sensitivity toward your children's battles with sin because grace is a daily reminder of how desperately you need the Saviour as well."
December 28, 2023
I didn’t end up liking this one as much as I expected to. The author does make some good points, but I have to say that for a book about grace there sure are a lot of rules here. Seems like he has very little grace for parents who are struggling in this area, and he has harsh words for legalists. I especially was annoyed with his implication that FEAR is the only reason parents would choose to homeschool. Sure, fear can definitely be a motivator in educational choices, but there are many more reasons to homeschool! I’m also unsure on the way he applied some Biblical stories/passages….seemed kind a real stretch in some cases. So yeah, some good here but overall a disappointment.
December 2, 2011
Grace Based Parenting
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
Over the last 16 years as a parent I have read a lot of books on parenting, I have taught many courses on parenting, and my wife and I have given a lot of advice to parents, plus we have made a lot of mistakes that we hope to learn from. This book is probably one of the best books on Christian parenting that I have read. I would put it in my top 3 with “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” and “Age of Opportunity”.
If you are looking for a reading road-map for your children, I would start with “Shepherding a Child’s Heart – Tripp”, and focus on and apply what this book teaches, and then when your children are 5 or 6 years old read “Grace-Based Parenting – Kimmel” and add this to what you have been doing, not a replacement, and then once your children are in their pre-teen years 11 -13 I would add “Age of Opportunity – Tripp”, if you read and applied no other books to your parenting these 3 would cover it all.
In Grace-Based Parenting, Dr. Kimmel focuses on the grace provided by God the Father - the ultimate child and family expert, as our standard our aim and goal as parents; to apply the grace shown to us by God to our own children.
This book is not a how-to book, I don’t remember reading any methods of parenting, but it is chock-full of timeless principles and truth to form the foundation to build the methods on.
Grace-Based Parenting is not another manual full of impossible standards; rather it is a new map for learning to see ourselves and our children through God's limitless tenderness - to raise our kids the way God raises us. This thoughtful, profound and compassionate book represents a truly liberating way to nurture a healthy family. As we embrace the grace He offers, we begin to give it - creating a sound foundation for growing morally strong and spiritually motivated children.
Includes chapter 1 of Dr. Kimmel’s book - “Why Christian Kids Rebel”
You can purchase it online from:
http://catalyst.ourchurchbookstore.co...
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
Over the last 16 years as a parent I have read a lot of books on parenting, I have taught many courses on parenting, and my wife and I have given a lot of advice to parents, plus we have made a lot of mistakes that we hope to learn from. This book is probably one of the best books on Christian parenting that I have read. I would put it in my top 3 with “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” and “Age of Opportunity”.
If you are looking for a reading road-map for your children, I would start with “Shepherding a Child’s Heart – Tripp”, and focus on and apply what this book teaches, and then when your children are 5 or 6 years old read “Grace-Based Parenting – Kimmel” and add this to what you have been doing, not a replacement, and then once your children are in their pre-teen years 11 -13 I would add “Age of Opportunity – Tripp”, if you read and applied no other books to your parenting these 3 would cover it all.
In Grace-Based Parenting, Dr. Kimmel focuses on the grace provided by God the Father - the ultimate child and family expert, as our standard our aim and goal as parents; to apply the grace shown to us by God to our own children.
This book is not a how-to book, I don’t remember reading any methods of parenting, but it is chock-full of timeless principles and truth to form the foundation to build the methods on.
Grace-Based Parenting is not another manual full of impossible standards; rather it is a new map for learning to see ourselves and our children through God's limitless tenderness - to raise our kids the way God raises us. This thoughtful, profound and compassionate book represents a truly liberating way to nurture a healthy family. As we embrace the grace He offers, we begin to give it - creating a sound foundation for growing morally strong and spiritually motivated children.
Includes chapter 1 of Dr. Kimmel’s book - “Why Christian Kids Rebel”
You can purchase it online from:
http://catalyst.ourchurchbookstore.co...
December 14, 2022
I should have read this parenting book first, 13 years ago. Instead I read lots of “methods” and “easy steps” that actually ended up being useless and not easy at all. 😉 Am I the only one who feels like most parenting books are written by experts instead of parents on the other side? Anyway…
Grace. It’s what covers us. It’s what frees us from sin. And it’s what should guide our parenting.
Grace doesn’t forget or nix out obedience. It is just the foundation of it.
Grace is what “provokes not your child to anger.” Our goal should be to treat our kids with the same grace and forgiveness that God gives His children on a daily basis.
And man, have I screwed up at that on the regular. But there is forgiveness for me and for you. And a new place to start. Great is His faithfulness. 🤍
Grace. It’s what covers us. It’s what frees us from sin. And it’s what should guide our parenting.
Grace doesn’t forget or nix out obedience. It is just the foundation of it.
Grace is what “provokes not your child to anger.” Our goal should be to treat our kids with the same grace and forgiveness that God gives His children on a daily basis.
And man, have I screwed up at that on the regular. But there is forgiveness for me and for you. And a new place to start. Great is His faithfulness. 🤍
January 16, 2020
This author had some great points that really resonated with me. I definitely learned a few important new parenting techniques! The only negatives I can think of are that felt a little too brief & didn’t give as many practical examples as other parenting books I’ve read.
January 25, 2016
Parenting is job #1, but no kid comes with a manual on how best to parent his/her individual selves. My parents did a lot of things right, but they weren't perfect and neither am I. Parenthood is a naturally guilt-ridden state. I've worked as many as three jobs at one time, and even that wasn't as difficult as trying to be a good parent.
Kimmel makes superior points about children's need for security, significance, and strength and explains that to meet those needs, the gifts of love, purpose, and hope must be given. Creating a grace-based environment is the best way to assure those needs are fulfilled. One of my favorite lines is: "Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests, regardless of the cost." Embracing grace is a liberating path to a thriving, spiritual family life.
Kimmel makes superior points about children's need for security, significance, and strength and explains that to meet those needs, the gifts of love, purpose, and hope must be given. Creating a grace-based environment is the best way to assure those needs are fulfilled. One of my favorite lines is: "Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests, regardless of the cost." Embracing grace is a liberating path to a thriving, spiritual family life.
September 19, 2020
Several years ago, when I gave up reading parenting books because their advice was too "one-size-fits-all," someone recommended this book to me. I finally got around to reading it, thinking that I had probably waited too long, as my children are now teenagers. I was pleased to discover that the I had not waited too long! Its sound principles apply to parenting all ages of children and can even benefit anyone who works with children (not just parents).
July 9, 2008
Wow - this book was really challenging. He talks a lot about giving your kids the grace to do things that aren't morally wrong (even though they might make you cringe - like dying their hair funky colors). Also, the focus should be on raising strong kids instead of "safe" kids. Very thought-provoking. I'm actually going to read this one again . . .
August 14, 2016
It had some nuggets in the beginning that were helpful and gave me some new perspectives to consider. After that, it was quite vague, and I found myself wondering if the Bible would agree with all of it. The general concept of the book can be summed up in about one sentence: Display God's grace to your children. Beyond that, I don't consider this a must-read parenting book.
May 31, 2019
I was very wary about this book when I picked it up, assuming it was a “why you shouldn’t discipline your kids” story. This is because I had an incorrect idea of grace. This paragraph helped me to realize why I had a negative mindset when I heard the word grace regarding parenting decisions.
“Grace certainly has its share of enemies. There are those enemies who want to camp on the truth of the Bible and say that life is black and white with little nuance. Parents like Tom assume that to show grace is to go soft on moral standards. They get a lot of fuel for this skewed opinion of grace from the parents who use grace as their excuse for not enforcing rules. A family without clearly defined rules and standards could never be a grace-based family. It’s too busy being a nightmare to live in.”
This is the best parenting book I’ve read thus far. It’s all about how to parent your child the way God parents us as His children... That way when your child comes to the point in life where they have a relationship with God, they will have a healthy concept of who God is.
People who have an unhealthy view of God most likely received that view from the way they were parented. (Whew, scary... but truth.) Legalism, viewing God as an angry father who is always disappointed in you.... or on the other side.. forgiveness without consequences or discipline, no clear boundaries..
God loves us more than to let us get by without consequences to our disobedience... He doesn’t discipline and correct us half of the time or even most of the time. He ALWAYS gives consequences when we disobey. He loves us more than to let things slide or to threaten punishment but not go through with it.
“Children learn from discipline and have an internal sense of justice that needs to know they have paid their debt for their infraction and can now move on with their lives. When you either let your children get away with their sin or promise them consequences but fail to deliver, you upset the scales of justice that tip within their souls.”
So many good ideas to keep a healthy dialogue running in your home and letting it be a place to freely speak about sin, struggles, etc. Love all of the tips and ideas the author gave regarding grace based conversations with your kids!!
The author makes the point that while the Bible has so many good and clear scriptures that show us how to parent.. there are SO MANY things that we have to make decisions about that don’t have any clear scriptures to follow (music choices, clothing, hair, tattoos). Therefore, we HAVE TO use grace in these situations.
So many good quotes in this book, I was underlining and highlighting like crazy. Highly recommend!! I learned so much and have a completely different mindset about what it means to parent well.
“Grace certainly has its share of enemies. There are those enemies who want to camp on the truth of the Bible and say that life is black and white with little nuance. Parents like Tom assume that to show grace is to go soft on moral standards. They get a lot of fuel for this skewed opinion of grace from the parents who use grace as their excuse for not enforcing rules. A family without clearly defined rules and standards could never be a grace-based family. It’s too busy being a nightmare to live in.”
This is the best parenting book I’ve read thus far. It’s all about how to parent your child the way God parents us as His children... That way when your child comes to the point in life where they have a relationship with God, they will have a healthy concept of who God is.
People who have an unhealthy view of God most likely received that view from the way they were parented. (Whew, scary... but truth.) Legalism, viewing God as an angry father who is always disappointed in you.... or on the other side.. forgiveness without consequences or discipline, no clear boundaries..
God loves us more than to let us get by without consequences to our disobedience... He doesn’t discipline and correct us half of the time or even most of the time. He ALWAYS gives consequences when we disobey. He loves us more than to let things slide or to threaten punishment but not go through with it.
“Children learn from discipline and have an internal sense of justice that needs to know they have paid their debt for their infraction and can now move on with their lives. When you either let your children get away with their sin or promise them consequences but fail to deliver, you upset the scales of justice that tip within their souls.”
So many good ideas to keep a healthy dialogue running in your home and letting it be a place to freely speak about sin, struggles, etc. Love all of the tips and ideas the author gave regarding grace based conversations with your kids!!
The author makes the point that while the Bible has so many good and clear scriptures that show us how to parent.. there are SO MANY things that we have to make decisions about that don’t have any clear scriptures to follow (music choices, clothing, hair, tattoos). Therefore, we HAVE TO use grace in these situations.
So many good quotes in this book, I was underlining and highlighting like crazy. Highly recommend!! I learned so much and have a completely different mindset about what it means to parent well.
April 12, 2019
Fantastic book. I know it sounds cliché, but I wish I would’ve read this book years ago…
Kimmel lays out a profound, biblical perspective for parenting which is deceptively simple: If your Heavenly Father treats you with undeserved love and kindness, then why shouldn’t we parent our children with the same? Simple but with profound implications. I have to admit that for me, this book was alternately convicting and encouraging, sometimes both!
Two of my favorite points of this book are: a) this isn’t a checklist or a system to “do” but a way to “be” with your children and b) it’s never too late.
I think that sometimes Christian parents are more apt to unwittingly incorporate legalism into their parenting style than non-believers because we believe the Bible when it tells us to strive for righteousness. What we have to remember is that it was Abraham’s FAITH which was credited to him as righteousness, not his deeds (Gen 15:6 versus Isaiah 64:6). And that we’re all individuals with free will who carry our parental impressions into our belief/non-belief in God. What we received from our parents can influence how we perceive our Creator. So it is vital that our children understand grace, at a personal and reminiscent level, so that their encounter with their Heavenly Father might be one of familiarity and joy.
I highly recommend this book to any follower of Christ with children or teens in their lives. Which is not to say that non-believers wouldn’t find value in Kimmel’s observations, but the perspective is presuppositionally Christian and it leans heavily upon that framework.
Thanks for taking the time to read my review!
Kimmel lays out a profound, biblical perspective for parenting which is deceptively simple: If your Heavenly Father treats you with undeserved love and kindness, then why shouldn’t we parent our children with the same? Simple but with profound implications. I have to admit that for me, this book was alternately convicting and encouraging, sometimes both!
Two of my favorite points of this book are: a) this isn’t a checklist or a system to “do” but a way to “be” with your children and b) it’s never too late.
I think that sometimes Christian parents are more apt to unwittingly incorporate legalism into their parenting style than non-believers because we believe the Bible when it tells us to strive for righteousness. What we have to remember is that it was Abraham’s FAITH which was credited to him as righteousness, not his deeds (Gen 15:6 versus Isaiah 64:6). And that we’re all individuals with free will who carry our parental impressions into our belief/non-belief in God. What we received from our parents can influence how we perceive our Creator. So it is vital that our children understand grace, at a personal and reminiscent level, so that their encounter with their Heavenly Father might be one of familiarity and joy.
I highly recommend this book to any follower of Christ with children or teens in their lives. Which is not to say that non-believers wouldn’t find value in Kimmel’s observations, but the perspective is presuppositionally Christian and it leans heavily upon that framework.
Thanks for taking the time to read my review!
July 27, 2017
I first read this book on a bus to Kyoto, pregnant with my first child. It was good but despite my resolve, all I really remembered from it was the anecdotes. Re-reading it now in the small hours before sleep as an exhausted mom of 2 preschoolers, I have new appreciation for it.
What I appreciate most about this book is that unlike some that I've read in the parenting genre, it does NOT promise that if you obey this formula, you are guaranteed upright model citizens. No, rather it warns against legalism (so pervasive in Christian circles) that defines sin as "external actions" and legitimately warns against using formulas.
Instead, it is a deeply biblical meditation on how God parents us as adults, and how we can in turn model that in our parenting. Here is freedom. Here is encouragement and affirmation. Here, too, can be conviction, but always in a gentle way and never in stern tones.
If you only read one parenting book, I really think it ought to be this one.
What I appreciate most about this book is that unlike some that I've read in the parenting genre, it does NOT promise that if you obey this formula, you are guaranteed upright model citizens. No, rather it warns against legalism (so pervasive in Christian circles) that defines sin as "external actions" and legitimately warns against using formulas.
Instead, it is a deeply biblical meditation on how God parents us as adults, and how we can in turn model that in our parenting. Here is freedom. Here is encouragement and affirmation. Here, too, can be conviction, but always in a gentle way and never in stern tones.
If you only read one parenting book, I really think it ought to be this one.
June 22, 2018
This book absolutely changed my view of parenting. With five children underfoot, tension and tempers can rise quickly, both from my children as well as myself. This book reminded me that children are born sinful and instead of being appalled when they disobey, it should be expected. How we respond as parents tremendously shapes their view of our God.
Now I will add that for those with only littles (7ish and under), this book might not be for you...yet. Young children still need clear boundaries and expectations. Being firm is having grace on them. However, as children shift into older phases, what they need from their parents is an example of grace included in their consequences. Tim Kimmel doesn't ignore the need for discipline, he just encourages parents to see the full picture.
I personally loved this book. 😊
Now I will add that for those with only littles (7ish and under), this book might not be for you...yet. Young children still need clear boundaries and expectations. Being firm is having grace on them. However, as children shift into older phases, what they need from their parents is an example of grace included in their consequences. Tim Kimmel doesn't ignore the need for discipline, he just encourages parents to see the full picture.
I personally loved this book. 😊
December 12, 2019
I will be reading this book at least once a year as my children grow up. Kimmel begins by discussing misguided parenting styles (permissive, judgmental, and legalistic) and the problems they create. Instead, he advocates for a grace-based parenting style. He discusses the three driving inner needs that all people have: security, significance, and strength. These needs are met with love, purpose, and hope respectively and grace is the best way to provide them. The rest of the book is devoted to discussing what a grace-based household looks like. It includes the freedom to be different, vulnerable, candid, and to make mistakes.
August 25, 2023
This is by far the best book on parenting I've read. It's half about how to parent, half therapy for the flawed ways a person has been parented. I think everyone should read this to help them understand the deep wounds they might still have from imperfect parents. It offers solid principles on parenting, but few rules and tips and tricks. It speaks to why you parent, what the goals are, and many examples of how certain lessons have played out in his life. This book is steeped in biblical truths and practical experience, and I think everyone can benefit from reading it.
January 13, 2021
To any parents or soon-to-be parents who might see this review, I highly recommend reading this. I loved the author’s insights but I don’t think I’m qualified to say whether or not they’re “correct”. If nothing else, it gives solid biblical challenges to how you think about parenting.
January 6, 2023
I love the idea of this book and it's premise: parent your children as God parents us, with grace. Over all, I found "Grace-Based Parenting" encouraging and particularly enjoyed the final chapters. However, I thought the author came across as pretentious. All of the examples of "bad" parenting were from others while all but one of the "good" examples were about his parenting wins.
Favorite Quote: "Grace can be used i a specific sense, which is as a gift of forgiveness that you don't deserve. Grace can also be used in a general sense, which is the freedom and lattitude that God allows you as you develop a more intimate relastionship with Him. I'm talking about a lifestyle and a set of choices that are an out growth of your walk with Him." p.213
Favorite Quote: "Grace can be used i a specific sense, which is as a gift of forgiveness that you don't deserve. Grace can also be used in a general sense, which is the freedom and lattitude that God allows you as you develop a more intimate relastionship with Him. I'm talking about a lifestyle and a set of choices that are an out growth of your walk with Him." p.213
Read
April 27, 2025This book seemed to be written for a more conservative audience (think IBLP or similar). I grew up in a home full of grace and saw that even more while reading this. Parts I disagreed with - but overall a solid read.
February 4, 2022
Practical & spiritual based parenting
I liked the examples of how typical parents get trapped in expectations of the community. Practical situations when children can fall.
I liked the examples of how typical parents get trapped in expectations of the community. Practical situations when children can fall.
July 2, 2023
Really great perspective on extending grace to our children just as He extends to us. What a powerful but heavy job we have but one that He helps us endure and enjoy.
Read
August 2, 2024Great book I’ll definitely be rereading soon!
August 17, 2025
4.5. Like anything, I would read this with your own convictions and pair it with your own study of the word but overall I really enjoyed it. Super short and to the point.
March 23, 2020
It's a great book, with a lot of deep insight into biblical parenting. However, Tim Kimmel firm conviction that this is the right way to parent leads to some firm discourse that comes across a little judgemental or authoritative. I don't think this is his intent, so when it may seem that way it's best to look past it and focus on the point he is making, not the words he uses.
May 13, 2020
Grace! Grace-based parenting is a heart activated plan to take its cues from a daily walk with Jesus Christ.
Raise strong kids
God is most concerned with our children’s hearts.
It is man who looks on the outside, but God looks at the heart 1 Samuel 16:7
Childhood is the time that God has set aside for children to work the “ding dong “out of themselves.
It’s no longer right and wrong but what I feel is right and wrong that rules the day.
You’ve been handed a piece of history in advance a gracious gift you sent to a time you will not see
“You have been singled out to do a favor for God. He is asking you to be his representative to a small but vital part of the next generation. He need someone to be his voice, his arms, and his heart. He chose you. He chose you to assist him in a miracle. He gave you children and then said, “no go, and give these precious lives meaning. “It’s a mandate that comes with a great reward if you succeed, but a heavy price if you fail.”
———————//————————-//————-
They are guilty by either commission or omission of failing to leave their kids properly through childhood.
Surrenders some of our best convictions under duress. The painful reality is it too many parents would rather feel good then do good.
They often measure their effectiveness as parents by how they compare to others.
God and commonsense work just fine
Children are free agents
Straight invoices tell parents that if they don’t feed their children in certain ways, or discipline them certain ways, or educate them certain ways, then they are setting their children up for certain doom.
Do you everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I do not run or labor for nothing. Philippians 214
Our churches are often extensions of our family social needs
Reach out to their neighbors more
The primary roles that God gave Christian parents is to create adult to reflect his heart.
Evangelical behavior modification parenting: These are homes were God rules in the head but seldom gets to move in the heart.
Herd mentality parenting: rather than pray for guidance and study each of their children to determine what is best for that child, they look around and parent like everyone else is doing.
Duct tape parenting to focus on immediate rather than permanent
Proof is in the product
a home should be a place that brings the best out and everyone and grooms children for confident and effective adulthood
People cannot do any work that will make them right with God Romans 4:5
Judge mental parents tend to leave home with a feeling of spiritual elitism. Kids with legalistic parents leave home feeling guilty.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Grace Grace-based parents spend their time and trusting themselves to Christ. They live to know God more. Peaceful and very much in love with God.
Advice to their children:
-You are a gift from God; go make a difference
-you may struggle doing the right thing sometimes, but you’re forgiven.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4
Children brought up in homes where they are free to be different, vulnerable, candid, and to make mistakes learn firsthand with a genuine love of God looks like.
One of the characteristics of God’s grace is how much latitude he grants within his clear moral boundaries to make choices.
God helps Grace-based parents see what matters and what doesn’t matter
Love
physical needs
salvation
Inner needs:
1. Security
2. Significance
3. Strength
Love that is secure, or purpose that is significant, and I hope that is strong
It’s the way he parents us
***Grace keeps you from clamping down on their spirits when they move through awkward transitions and walk through the valley of the shadow of adolescence.***
Grace helps you give kids a lot of freedom to simply be kids and keeps you from living in a reactive mode as they go through certain stages.
Church is a hospital that God left behind for you
Examining external standards that mean nothing
Guide them. Warn them. Send clear signals so they can get a bearing. We are a lighthouse, permanently established to show them the way home.
In an act of pure love, the king of kings exchanged places with us and took our punishment with his own life
Because we were made in gods image, we have built into our basic make up an infinite capacity for love.
Memory of our love can comfort them. There is a love that we can pass on to them that is steady, the infinite love of God.
It is not in our children’s best interest to give them everything they want, to make life easy for them, to side with them when they are clearly wrong, or to circumvent consequences for their sins. Love is about meeting there actual needs, not theirs selfish needs.
-inconvenient and sometimes painful
A parent should communicate nothing but acceptance for the unique characteristics of their children
When they hear us say that it’s an honor to have them in our home, that we are grateful for the chance to do all the things they need us to do for them, they sense acceptance that makes them feel securely loved. Our attitude shouldn’t be that we have to do these things for them but that we get to.
Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to me for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. Matthew 19:14
The righteous man leads of blameless life blessed are his children after him proverbs 20:7
If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:31
Children are especially responsive to meaningful, tender touch. Everyone was designed to respond to affection.
Jesus loves children. They represent the attitude of heaven.
Jesus understood the power of affection and communicating secure love. It helps them to transfer the legacy of love they have received from you to the next generation and your family tree.
Ove above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of games. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms. One Peter 4:8-10
There is a deep longing in the heart of every child to “make a difference. “
Tyrannical families blunt potential, too. So do preoccupied families and in different families and lazy families. With secure love, he has also given us the opportunity to send our children in to the future with a significant purpose.
Without a parent deliberate and gracious involvement in identifying and developing potential children can go into it’s all hood with a scarred purpose.
1. under developed purpose
2. a revengeful purpose
3. a wasted purpose
Layers of potential our children were born with a need to find a purpose in life, and there are several layers in which the purpose needs to be found
1. A general purpose
2. A specific purpose
3. Relational purpose
4. spiritual purpose
Saint Paul says, “make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life me when the respective outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. “ 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12
Leaving the world nicer than you found it, making a commitment to a lifetime of learning, paying attention to what you learn from life’s experience so that you were more valuable to others, and being committed to developing the potential of his many people as you can or general purposes that are good to install in the hearts of each one of your children. Children embrace what is modeled far more than what they are told.
God has given everyone certain skills and abilities. Develop a workable skill in most areas of their lives in a highly discipline school in the area of the giftedness.
I discovered that as I begin to love people and care for people and become more involved with people, I had more joy, more life, more tears, more laughter, more meaning, and far greater fun than I ever had before.
The spiritual dimension of the human heart is as real and relevant as the physical, intellectual, and emotional dimensions.
I will give thanks to the, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made wonderful are the works, and my soul knows it very well.
Children feel significant when they are regularly affirmed. There is a cause-and-effect between encouragement and confidence.
Kids brought up in an environment of legitimate praise build a solid resistance against the insults and put downs that often bombard them from culture.
Vice - Setting a kid up to thrive on false praise
Graceless and empty complementing that sets a child up for serious heartache when he finds himself among other children who legitimately earn praise.
-Verbalize accurate observations
-affirmation catches your children doing things right
There are things we can do that nullify our affirmation. If we view our children as burdens, make statements about how much more difficult they’re making our lives, or remind them of how little freedom we have now that they’ve come along, we’re saying you lack value. You’re not important enough to me.
The teenage years are some of the most exciting years of parenting. Another thing that really undermines our ability to develop a significant purpose and then happens when we pass on all those negative comments about teenagers. When we ridicule, mock, or insult her age group in general we’re communicating that they are fundamentally flawed.
2. Children feel significant when they know they have our attention
...see that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you, that there are angels in heaven continually behold the face of my father who is in heaven Matthew 18:5
3. Children feel significant when they are gracefully admonished
-Moral guidelines
-Consequences
They do need a response rather than our reaction.
-that’s why we need due diligence and guarding their hearts for them when they’re young and teaching them how to guard their own hearts as they get older.
We matter more to our kids than we realize.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
children face crisis is in their emotional life where they simply don’t know what to do they need us close by, paying attention to the situation and giving them the kind of help that gets them through their dilemma in such a way that they are stronger on the other side of it.
-They need loving parents enthusiastically leading the way
-to have parents help them through their helplessness the way God helps us
Parents who run their children’s lives and make most of their decisions discourage them from individual thinking. It can damage their ability to learn to lean on God.
** it’s unloving to keep our children weak or helpless. We move from protecting them to preparing them. When parents don’t let them practice, children often overreact to freedom when they go to college or go out on their own.
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why I, for Christ sake, I delight in weaknesses, and insults, and hardships, in persecutions, and difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9b
Building into them life skills to compensate for their shortcomings
We want children to have reasons to believe that even with their defeats, they have much to look forward to. Children need to know that their intrinsic value has nothing to do with where they place in the race of life, nor is it a statement of how much hope they really have. “I’m with you, and will get through this together.”
There are times in our children’s lives when style means more to them than at other times. During these times, it makes sense to ask God to help you show grace and understanding. Young people have always developed identities within an age group or through common goals or interests. In that grouping, there may be a tendency to adopt the groups external rituals or characteristics. That’s OK
Sometimes there’s some serious problems going on inside the young person, and these things they do are merely outward expressions or symptoms of these internal problems. Sometimes they just want to be a little different and quirky when everything is fine inside them.
We are far wiser to ignore or move past the outer problem and address the inner one straight on. If they aren’t sending, and they are being sensitive to the people around them, you just let them live their lives out loud.
To be secure
To be significant
To be strong
Love
Purpose
Hope
Teens
It is not uncommon to be overly sensitive about these things. This is a time when kids suffer from what I call centerstage syndrome. They are certain that everyone is noticing things about them. They are self-conscious about their luxe, their social abilities, their intellect, and their economic situation.
Safe forum
-families make room for their kids opinions.
-A steady stream of love, patience, and understanding
-security, significance, and strength in the core of the child’s heart.
Speak the truth in a spirit of love we deliver words about touchy subjects with a commitment to help even heal the other person
-run it through a filter of love
Grace makes room for them to tell us things about themselves that we might not be excited to hear.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:25
Grace-based outlet for repenting to lead to reconciliation
see to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no Bitterroot grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
Home is where life makes up its mind. Families create a group identity that defines everyone in that home individually.
Grace helps you find a balance point in a world of extremes and keeps you from investing your energies and a long list of things that don’t matter.
“Pleasing” God is contingent on our faith in him, not on our ability to maintain a righteous and moral standard, as so many assume.
Sin is not an action or an object that penetrates their defenses; it is a pre-existing condition that permeates their being.
** The grease Based Home assumes kids will struggle was saying and help them learn how to type in the gods powers to help them get stronger. When their children due soon, great space parents don’t get surprised. They expect it. They assume that sin is an ongoing dilemma that their children must constantly contend with. There are excepted as Center is who desire to become more like Christ rather than be seen as nice Christian kids trying to maintain a good moral code.
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things Colossians 2:6
Unconditional love during some of their toughest hours
-avoid condemnation. You can evaluate the wrong actions, discuss their negative affects, and even voice the pain and disappointment that you have experienced as a result of it. When you condemn, it causes a reflex within them to defend themselves.
Children learn from discipline and have an internal sense of justice that needs to know they have paid their debt for the infraction and can move on with their lives.
Sometimes their behavior isn’t an issue between you and them—it’s an issue between them and God.
Prodigal sob story:
Don’t give up on them
Don’t accommodate
Be prepared to forgive
Resist the urge to replay the hurts they put you through
Discipline
-Use the method of discipline that best matches your child’s temperament and personality
-they’re allowed to make mistakes. Huge one sometimes
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 4, 2023
I encourage everyone to read this book. Although my children are grown, I learned so much! I listened to it twice!
August 27, 2021
Excellent! I didn’t agree with absolutely everything the author said, but I agreed with the principles and was super encouraged to continue knowing God better so that I can parent my kids the way that God parents me!
Will be reading this again and can see why it is so recommended by other parents at church.
Based on Scripture, we’ll thought out and deep.
Will be reading this again and can see why it is so recommended by other parents at church.
Based on Scripture, we’ll thought out and deep.
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