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272 pages, Hardcover
First published January 29, 2026
I have to be honest. Since I left the palace on that Sunday evening, leaving the public to their tour and their imaginings, I have felt unmoored. I have turned a few different words over in my mind, and unmoored is the best I can do. I am still somewhat tethered to the King, but as a parent who loses their child in the supermarket might feel for the first few seconds, before the real panic sets in. Otherwise, floating about in this life, in this place, finding myself again queasy to be at home in the quiet, in the dark – though certainly less than before. The dining table a glowering vacancy still, but in the middle a silver fork – permitted for use by the King alone – with a single pomegranate seed impaled on the left prong. It would have been too great a risk to take nothing before that final meeting.
A virtuoso mediation on the nature of artistic calling, on what we might owe to the past, and on the cathartic power of imagination.
The single page dedicated to his reign was now a mess, with marginalia and footnotes added over time as his story retrospectively evolved - was altered, challenged, embellished, struck though, left to rest as one great question mark by people who damned him.
I cried, I wept, when I saw it.
What a reduction of life.
To relay the king’s ledger entry in fullness would be to undo everything i set out to achieve in my conjuring hid person. And so i refuse it.
The paler colours are coming through in the garden now, the lawn is flushing into new growth - green as a tapestry. When the King takes a walk through his grounds the day after the dinner, he notes the buds tipped with apricot on the climbing rose, the perfection of the bleeding heart, its flowers dangling in an orderly line, juddering in the breeze.
His (the King’s) great gift to us - or at least it has been a gift to me - is the very lack of an ending, that could drive a historian mad. What a great - pardon my language - 'fuck you' to everyone who tries to manhandle ambiguity into order, to knock out the air. To the people that have since pinned him down so cruelly and unambiguously on this page. To the notion that one thing leads to another and then another and then done. To the idea that we owe anyone the answers they seek - for they are theirs alone to find.
In those oil smears on the water, the dead began to take shape for me as a group difficult to please. They were rowdy, unruly, not only in their sailor patois gurgling up in halting, half-strangled offensive phrases. They were unruly in their unwillingness to be helped or honored or remembered. Et in Arcadia ego the tomb says to the shepherds, but it was the great fuck you of the past to the kindhearted present that I thought I heard in the oil.