What do you think?
Rate this book
Changing the Conversation: The 17 Principles of Conflict Resolution
The seventeen key principles for transforming conflict—in a beautiful package from the creator of The 48 Laws of PowerFrom Joost Elffers, the packaging genius behind the huge New York Times bestsellers The 48 Laws of Power, The 33 Strategies of War, and The Art of Seduction, comes this invaluable manual that teaches seventeen fundamentals for turning any conflict into an opportunity for growth. Beautifully packaged in a graphic, two-color format, Changing the Conversation is written by conflict expert Dana Caspersen and is filled with real-life examples, spot-on advice, and easy-to-grasp exercises that demonstrate transformative ways to break out of destructive patterns, to create useful dialogue in difficult situations, and to find long-lasting solutions for conflicts. Sure to claim its place next to Getting to Yes, this guide will be a go-to resource for resolving conflicts.
272 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 27, 2015
61 people are currently reading
597 people want to read
About the author
Dana Caspersen
8 books9 followersDana Caspersen is a conflict engagement specialist, TEDx speaker, award-winning performing artist, and the bestselling author of "Conflict Is an Opportunity: 20 Fundamental Decisions for Navigating Difficult Times" and "Changing the Conversation: The 17 Principles of Conflict Resolution".
Dana works globally with individuals, groups, and communities, integrating conflict engagement practices with choreographic design to create innovative training methods and public dialogue models. Her books have been translated into eight languages and are used internationally as training tools.
As a principal artist and leading collaborator with choreographer William Forsythe, Dana co-created and performed worldwide with Ballet Frankfurt and The Forsythe Company for over 30 years. She has received the Bessie Award for Outstanding Creative Achievement in the U.S. and was nominated for the Laurence Olivier Award in England. Caspersen lives in Vermont and Frankfurt.
More on Dana’s work at https://www.danacaspersen.com/
Dana's Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCpu...
Follow her on LinkedIn and Facebook: Dana Caspersen
Dana works globally with individuals, groups, and communities, integrating conflict engagement practices with choreographic design to create innovative training methods and public dialogue models. Her books have been translated into eight languages and are used internationally as training tools.
As a principal artist and leading collaborator with choreographer William Forsythe, Dana co-created and performed worldwide with Ballet Frankfurt and The Forsythe Company for over 30 years. She has received the Bessie Award for Outstanding Creative Achievement in the U.S. and was nominated for the Laurence Olivier Award in England. Caspersen lives in Vermont and Frankfurt.
More on Dana’s work at https://www.danacaspersen.com/
Dana's Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCpu...
Follow her on LinkedIn and Facebook: Dana Caspersen
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews
January 24, 2015
Conflict is something no one can avoid in a life. If one experiences a conflict at work or home, the stress may twist our natural personalities and lead us to abuse ourselves or others. I may have been more resilient in the past, but now I find conflict extremely distressing and find myself fleeing from it.
Caspersen makes the point early in this marvelous book that while conflict is inevitable, working through it rather than running from it provides an opportunity for a creative solution that may actually fulfill both parties and create a stronger, more trusting bond between two parties.
Earlier this year, after suffering a debilitating long-running conflict in my family, I took an online course in Conflict Resolution with the publishing group Shambhala. It ran for several weeks, included audio, video, reading, and homework. It was extremely useful. Many of the ideas presented in that course are given here, in this wonderfully concise handbook. Just opening this book and seeing the format made me weak with relief. There are just a few critical points on each page, giving us space and time to think about what is being said.
Resolving conflict requires a certain amount of willingness to understand the other side, even if the other side can’t easily articulate their position. We have to be able to ask questions until we get to the real reason behind the conflict…what needs are felt but not fulfilled? Emotions may appear to cloud the issues, but in fact are clues to the issues. We need to feel our own emotion (like, for instance, anger) and then ask why?
STOP when you feel attacked, FEEL the hurt of that, and then DON’T ASSUME you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. ASK questions (of ourselves and others) until you get closer to the unmet needs on both sides that must be addressed. We all have the same basic needs, but not all our needs are prioritized the same way all the time. And we might differ in the ways we decide to meet those needs.
We need to LISTEN to the other and ask questions, perhaps reformulating and restating their point of view as a query until we both understand their underlying need or issue. We can share our own point of view, but not in anger. Caspersen points out that we have to be sick and tired of our own unhelpful habits (of reacting when provoked or angry) in order to try to change that part of the equation.
It takes practice. We won’t succeed every time. But we get better at it. That there is another way has been an immense relief. If we have been lucky, we’ve met someone who can withhold judgment and tease out the cause of the emotion behind conflict, and defuse the hot air surrounding parties in conflict. This book shows us how to do that.
Best yet, this book is good for beginners and those experienced in the practice. It is too easy to forget how to deal when conflict arises suddenly. Just flipping through this book sets me immediately at ease. It is so helpful. I don’t need to learn it all again. I just need reminding. Again and again.
Maybe the part I like best about learning about conflict is that our reactions can be changed. Our reactions are not immutable. We do not have to go through life feeling at the mercy of those who have stronger, more articulate, or more obstinate positions. We can effectively “deal with” or solve conflict in many cases, and come up with creative and constructive solutions, create lasting intimacy, and a willingness to engage and trust. Some people manage it. Why not us?
This book is a marvelous thing. It has examples of common conflicts and language used in families, talking with teens, in work situations, in political discussions. On the facing page it gives examples of a more constructive approach. What could be better than this? We all need this book. Even conflict facilitators need this book, as I found out from attendees of the Shambhala course, at least half of whom were, or wanted to be, paid facilitators.
In my case, the conflict has been defused. There are still trust issues, perhaps because of the length of the conflict, but the open warfare is past. The scarring makes one want to make sure it never happens again, which is why I will keep this book close.
Caspersen makes the point early in this marvelous book that while conflict is inevitable, working through it rather than running from it provides an opportunity for a creative solution that may actually fulfill both parties and create a stronger, more trusting bond between two parties.
Earlier this year, after suffering a debilitating long-running conflict in my family, I took an online course in Conflict Resolution with the publishing group Shambhala. It ran for several weeks, included audio, video, reading, and homework. It was extremely useful. Many of the ideas presented in that course are given here, in this wonderfully concise handbook. Just opening this book and seeing the format made me weak with relief. There are just a few critical points on each page, giving us space and time to think about what is being said.
Resolving conflict requires a certain amount of willingness to understand the other side, even if the other side can’t easily articulate their position. We have to be able to ask questions until we get to the real reason behind the conflict…what needs are felt but not fulfilled? Emotions may appear to cloud the issues, but in fact are clues to the issues. We need to feel our own emotion (like, for instance, anger) and then ask why?
STOP when you feel attacked, FEEL the hurt of that, and then DON’T ASSUME you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. ASK questions (of ourselves and others) until you get closer to the unmet needs on both sides that must be addressed. We all have the same basic needs, but not all our needs are prioritized the same way all the time. And we might differ in the ways we decide to meet those needs.
We need to LISTEN to the other and ask questions, perhaps reformulating and restating their point of view as a query until we both understand their underlying need or issue. We can share our own point of view, but not in anger. Caspersen points out that we have to be sick and tired of our own unhelpful habits (of reacting when provoked or angry) in order to try to change that part of the equation.
It takes practice. We won’t succeed every time. But we get better at it. That there is another way has been an immense relief. If we have been lucky, we’ve met someone who can withhold judgment and tease out the cause of the emotion behind conflict, and defuse the hot air surrounding parties in conflict. This book shows us how to do that.
Best yet, this book is good for beginners and those experienced in the practice. It is too easy to forget how to deal when conflict arises suddenly. Just flipping through this book sets me immediately at ease. It is so helpful. I don’t need to learn it all again. I just need reminding. Again and again.
Maybe the part I like best about learning about conflict is that our reactions can be changed. Our reactions are not immutable. We do not have to go through life feeling at the mercy of those who have stronger, more articulate, or more obstinate positions. We can effectively “deal with” or solve conflict in many cases, and come up with creative and constructive solutions, create lasting intimacy, and a willingness to engage and trust. Some people manage it. Why not us?
This book is a marvelous thing. It has examples of common conflicts and language used in families, talking with teens, in work situations, in political discussions. On the facing page it gives examples of a more constructive approach. What could be better than this? We all need this book. Even conflict facilitators need this book, as I found out from attendees of the Shambhala course, at least half of whom were, or wanted to be, paid facilitators.
In my case, the conflict has been defused. There are still trust issues, perhaps because of the length of the conflict, but the open warfare is past. The scarring makes one want to make sure it never happens again, which is why I will keep this book close.
January 2, 2021
Sfaturi destul de practice, suficiente exemple, format grafic interesant, dar parcă pentru mine a lipsit acel ceva care să o faca memorabila.
September 21, 2017
simple principles, easy and effective to implement. liked the basic layout of the book and information
November 20, 2022
2015: 5 gwiazdek
2022: 3,75 gwiazdki
2022: 3,75 gwiazdki
May 3, 2024
tego właśnie powinni uczyć w szkołach!!
niesamowite jest to jak czasem mało potrzeba do zmiany narracji w konflikcie i jak to samo można przekazać w totalnie inny sposób.
bardzo mi się spodobało to jak autorka postrzega konflikt — jako okazję do rozwoju i znalezienia tego co gryzie obie strony, na spokojnie✨️
książka napisana w klarowny sposób, są przedstawione przykłady i inne możliwości działania szybko się czyta🍃
również oprawa graficzna sprawiła że przyjemnie się czyta, forma jest wyjątkowa i niezwykle ciekawa!! :)
bardzo cenna i potrzebna książka, uczy jak WSZYSTKO można powiedzieć inaczej!! 🫶🏼꩜
niesamowite jest to jak czasem mało potrzeba do zmiany narracji w konflikcie i jak to samo można przekazać w totalnie inny sposób.
bardzo mi się spodobało to jak autorka postrzega konflikt — jako okazję do rozwoju i znalezienia tego co gryzie obie strony, na spokojnie✨️
książka napisana w klarowny sposób, są przedstawione przykłady i inne możliwości działania szybko się czyta🍃
również oprawa graficzna sprawiła że przyjemnie się czyta, forma jest wyjątkowa i niezwykle ciekawa!! :)
bardzo cenna i potrzebna książka, uczy jak WSZYSTKO można powiedzieć inaczej!! 🫶🏼꩜
March 26, 2015
Everyone has conflict in their lives, whether it is with a significant other, children, co-workers, strangers or supervisors. Changing The Conversation explains how we might work through conflicts more effectively by changing the ways we communicate in them. The first instinct is to state one's position, then concentrate on counter-arguments to points put forward by the other person. However if one can listen and understand the focus of the disagreement, odds of a resolution that is satisfactory to each party are increased.
The book is organized around seventeen principles of conflict resolution. These seventeen principles are grouped into three main areas. The first, Facilitate Listening And Speaking deals with areas like resisting the urge to attack, defining what is important to each party in the disagreement, acknowledging emotions, making fact-based observations rather than evaluations and testing the assumptions you've made by listening. The second, Change The Conversation, focuses on areas such as figuring out what's happening rather than focusing on fault, being curious, and stopping if you are making things worse. The third, Look For Ways Forward, talks about assuming undiscovered options exist, being explicit about agreements and planning for future conflict.
The text is laid out in concise words, giving examples of how a principle might play out. For example, under the Acknowledge Emotions, one scenario is acknowledging the other party's emotions. The unhelpful way to express this might be: "What are you acting all upset about? What did I do wrong now?" while a better way might be: "You seem frustrated. Is it because you were expecting me to do something differently?" Multiple examples are given of restating ideas in a manner that pushes the conversation forward rather than stalling it in anger and confrontation.
Dana Caspersen has a degree in conflict studies and mediation. She works as a mediator, teacher and creator of public dialogue processes. Readers can quickly read though this book and discover new and better ways of handling conflicts and then keep it nearby as a reference in the future. This book is recommended for parents, employers and employees and those in relationships. It is a book that can help anyone if the principles stated are taken seriously and acted upon.
The book is organized around seventeen principles of conflict resolution. These seventeen principles are grouped into three main areas. The first, Facilitate Listening And Speaking deals with areas like resisting the urge to attack, defining what is important to each party in the disagreement, acknowledging emotions, making fact-based observations rather than evaluations and testing the assumptions you've made by listening. The second, Change The Conversation, focuses on areas such as figuring out what's happening rather than focusing on fault, being curious, and stopping if you are making things worse. The third, Look For Ways Forward, talks about assuming undiscovered options exist, being explicit about agreements and planning for future conflict.
The text is laid out in concise words, giving examples of how a principle might play out. For example, under the Acknowledge Emotions, one scenario is acknowledging the other party's emotions. The unhelpful way to express this might be: "What are you acting all upset about? What did I do wrong now?" while a better way might be: "You seem frustrated. Is it because you were expecting me to do something differently?" Multiple examples are given of restating ideas in a manner that pushes the conversation forward rather than stalling it in anger and confrontation.
Dana Caspersen has a degree in conflict studies and mediation. She works as a mediator, teacher and creator of public dialogue processes. Readers can quickly read though this book and discover new and better ways of handling conflicts and then keep it nearby as a reference in the future. This book is recommended for parents, employers and employees and those in relationships. It is a book that can help anyone if the principles stated are taken seriously and acted upon.
Read
April 11, 2015It looks like a lot of reading, but it isn't. A designer's hand graced this, so there's lots of negative space and consistent layout to visually support the content, which often contrasts the less productive and more productive ways we can engage in conflict.
The written content is concise, and I seemed to take more notes in the last half. I'd call most of the content "tactical," not too strategic, which is perfect for anyone who wants more HOW than WHY. The author provides tons of bite-size examples of ways we might say things that aren't helpful for progress and solutions, and at times she offers better ways to approach these conflicts (based on her principles), and she includes opportunities for the reader to try them out, too.
As someone who obsesses over conversation, this is a fantastic addition to my bookshelf and toolkit. Although Changing the Conversation is conceptually aligned with other popular books on the topic, this has a very unique and effective approach.
The written content is concise, and I seemed to take more notes in the last half. I'd call most of the content "tactical," not too strategic, which is perfect for anyone who wants more HOW than WHY. The author provides tons of bite-size examples of ways we might say things that aren't helpful for progress and solutions, and at times she offers better ways to approach these conflicts (based on her principles), and she includes opportunities for the reader to try them out, too.
As someone who obsesses over conversation, this is a fantastic addition to my bookshelf and toolkit. Although Changing the Conversation is conceptually aligned with other popular books on the topic, this has a very unique and effective approach.
December 31, 2016
"Vivemos em meio a histórias. Prosperamos, fracassamos, criamos, nos adaptamos e nos conectamos por meio da nossa capacidade de sintetizar informações discrepantes em um todo coerente. Mas, certas histórias não sao verdadeiras, e outras que gostaríamos que não fossem, de fato, são. Não sabemos qual é qual até investigarmos. Mas, num conflito, muitas vezes paramos de investigar e começamos a pressupor. Assim, as histórias que contamos a nós mesmos passam a se basear em informações estáticas e unilaterais.
Em geral, supomos que entendemos os sentimentos, as intenções e a personalidade da outra pessoa. Com frequência agimos de acordo com nossos pressupostos e os reforçamos escolhendo prestar atenção somente nas informações que respaldam nossas crenças." - Mudando o Tom da Conversa, na versão em Português.
Em geral, supomos que entendemos os sentimentos, as intenções e a personalidade da outra pessoa. Com frequência agimos de acordo com nossos pressupostos e os reforçamos escolhendo prestar atenção somente nas informações que respaldam nossas crenças." - Mudando o Tom da Conversa, na versão em Português.
July 30, 2015
interesting design, good information and in small enough bites that maybe even I can remember some of the good advice. Who doesn't need help in changing the conversation to resolve conflict in your life. This books simple approach is straight to the point. This is not easy at all but the steps, the 17 principles are simple enough to actually do. I think this is a good book to purchase, and keep handy, and read often.
December 26, 2015
This book is full of excellent information about the unhelpful things we tend to do during difficult conversations and how to choose a better path. I feel like I want to repeatedly study this book and encourage as many people as possible to read it. Also, the design of the book is simple and beautiful.
Read
March 29, 2015very easy format for reading. a good springboard for further thoughts / development. an essential look at how we each look at handling conflict, the words we choose, thew actions that follow. Ugh, plenty to work on personally - well, it's a life-long thing anyway.
June 4, 2015
This is a WONDERFUL book full of practical examples for anyone who's looking to improve their communication, become a better listener, and improve relationships. LOTS of great, easily digestible exercises. It's a really quick, simple read. Highly recommend!
August 8, 2015
Excellent book! I like the way it was broken down into 17 principles, delving in to each one with suggestions and examples. I plan to use these principles at work and home as conflict is unavoidable and bound to appear. Good to have some guidelines that might come in handy.
December 28, 2015
Well written suggestions presented with a very useful graphic design style that adds a lot to the learning process. It's a keeper. Another for the reference section. OF course reading it is a lot easier than applying it, but that's life.
October 22, 2017
Great read that breaks down the most common barriers we encounter during conflict. Teaches you a new way to examine your own contributions during conflict to help steer the conversation in a healthier decision. Accepting accountability is more than half the battle. Loved it!
Want to read
January 28, 2015I prepared this article http://goo.gl/9wnf05 which summarize the principals to,to discuss it today..I really loved it,it's useful and alerted me to many things.
January 28, 2015
I loved the way that this book was formatted. It made it seem less like a book that you had to slog through and more of a fun read.
February 28, 2015
Absolutely amazing. Practical and focused on a variety of conflicts.
April 10, 2015
Awesome book to help with conflict resolution at work and at home. Highly recommend it.
April 5, 2015
Love the design, love the content. Everyone should read this book.
June 6, 2015
Great design helps space this book out for thinking about this tough topic. Great stuff.
June 14, 2015
It is a must read book particularly for people in the worklife. Conflict resolution is key to success.
July 29, 2015
this is a terrific book. I have copied the first page (the Principles) and keep it up in my office. Good read; something you will want to return to time and time again.
July 3, 2016
A great book talks about how to construct a positive resolution from recognizing each other's basic needs, shifting to acknowledge contribution to explicitly on agreements
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 29, 2017
Excellent. Beautifully presented. I could probably read this weekly and continue to benefit from it.
June 15, 2017
Quick read and helpful!
June 18, 2024
Este libro los ayudará a convertirse en personas más asertivas, capaces de manejar de una mejor forma los conflictos de la vida cotidiana, en el ámbito familiar, social y/o laboral. Dana Caspersen nos brindará el conocimiento y las herramientas necesarias para guiarnos en la resolución de conflictos, control de nuestras emociones y de lo que decimos, así como también lograr conversaciones, sin sentirnos atacados ni atacar a otras personas.
Todo esto a través de 17 principios encaminados a la solución de problemas; que van desde lo más sencillo como hablar y escuchar correctamente, hasta los más avanzados como reconocer las situaciones problemáticas y guiar las conversaciones a terrenos seguros para establecer acuerdos.
La autora nos explica a través de muchos ejemplos cómo debemos poner en práctica estos principios para ser más asertivos. Me agradó que incluye algunas actividades, por si te inclinas por aprender llevando las cosas a la práctica para interiorizar mejor el conocimiento.
Es un libro muy formativo y fácil de leer, que recomiendo totalmente si deseas seguir creciendo como persona y buscas un cambio positivo en la forma de llevar cualquier problema.
Todo esto a través de 17 principios encaminados a la solución de problemas; que van desde lo más sencillo como hablar y escuchar correctamente, hasta los más avanzados como reconocer las situaciones problemáticas y guiar las conversaciones a terrenos seguros para establecer acuerdos.
La autora nos explica a través de muchos ejemplos cómo debemos poner en práctica estos principios para ser más asertivos. Me agradó que incluye algunas actividades, por si te inclinas por aprender llevando las cosas a la práctica para interiorizar mejor el conocimiento.
Es un libro muy formativo y fácil de leer, que recomiendo totalmente si deseas seguir creciendo como persona y buscas un cambio positivo en la forma de llevar cualquier problema.
October 29, 2021
A good basic framework for discussing interpersonal problems. Good comparisons of negative, destructive means versus constructive, positive solutions were offered. It reminded me to handle my emotions and reactivate thoughts and find a solution-seeking mindset before attempting resolutions. Listening and being a team can be lost if problems and negative emotions and motives obscure common ground.
I thought it would help me start difficult conversations, and it had some questions and examples for that. However, some examples seemed like "you" messages more than "I" messages and like they would escalate problems more than solve them. It does focus on hearing others before attempting resolutions, but not on narcissistic responses. I need to know what to do when someone is open to conflict resolution only if I admit that I am the problem. What do you say when the other person has no conscience or remorse? I can use these techniques to start a conversation, but when the attack comes or the other person is reactive, it's hard to stay focused on solutions.
I thought it would help me start difficult conversations, and it had some questions and examples for that. However, some examples seemed like "you" messages more than "I" messages and like they would escalate problems more than solve them. It does focus on hearing others before attempting resolutions, but not on narcissistic responses. I need to know what to do when someone is open to conflict resolution only if I admit that I am the problem. What do you say when the other person has no conscience or remorse? I can use these techniques to start a conversation, but when the attack comes or the other person is reactive, it's hard to stay focused on solutions.
February 23, 2022
This is a manual on how to turn conflicts into opportunities. Dana Caspersen provides examples and doable techniques on how to solve conflicts and minimise unnecessary attacks. It contains 17 principles that start from knowing the problem to initiating a conversation in preparation for future conflicts.
The layout of the book is simple and straight to the point. Some pages contain as short as two words with enough white space for emphasis. A separate page is saved for hands-on techniques for each principle.
I think every person on earth should read, study, and practice the principles written on this book.
The layout of the book is simple and straight to the point. Some pages contain as short as two words with enough white space for emphasis. A separate page is saved for hands-on techniques for each principle.
I think every person on earth should read, study, and practice the principles written on this book.
February 10, 2020
No faff and straight to the (intended) points. A lot of self help books regarding issues like this tend to preface each point with an array of unnecessary narratives and the layout of this book removes (although not completely) the decorative prefaces. It also doesn't completely remove the possibility of confrontation, which many communication-related books tend to oversee. Easy, to-the-point, fast read.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews