i'm alive / it hurts / i love it

by Joshua Jennifer Espinoza

i'm alive / it hurts / i love it is joshua jennifer espinoza's first full-length poetry book in print. her writing engages with subjects such as coming out as a trans woman, "surviving and thriving w/mental illness, and attempting to reconcile [her] anger/sadness at the state of things w/ [her] love for all the beauty that exists."

Genres: Poetry, LGBT, Transgender, Queer, Gender, Mental Health

46 pages, Paperback

First published September 16, 2014

About the author

Joshua Jennifer Espinoza is a trans woman poet living in California. Her work has been published in Denver Quarterly, The American Poetry Review, Lambda Literary, PEN America, The Offing, and elsewhere. She is the author of two poetry collections: i’m alive / it hurts / i love it (boost house 2014), and THERE SHOULD BE FLOWERS (CCM 2016).

Reviews

[Noura · Rating 5 out of 5]

this almost broke my heart and i wouldn't have minded if it did. so beautiful.

[Allison · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book in two sittings, one which was sitting in the sun during my commute. It was absolutely lovely. I've read a lot of Joshua Jennifer Espinoza's poetry online so I was excited to read the second edition of her first collection. She writes with honesty and vulnerability about depression, about trans girlhood, resilience, love, and more She has definitely grown as a poet in terms of her craft since this first book came out. It had a lot of heart but I didn't find the writing as strong as some of her later work. Still, would recommend reading it and it's fun to see where she began as a writer.

[Roger DeBlanck · Rating 5 out of 5]

Espinoza’s honesty and candor are spellbinding as she bares her soul to confess the pain and anguish of grappling with loving and accepting herself for who she is. Her struggle is at once heartbreaking and triumphant because we can all relate to how our lives at times feel unlivable and impossible, and yet if we can hold on to even a glimmer of hope, we can find reason to endure and survive in order to find those moments of bliss in the smallest of wonders in everyday life, such as the beauty of the sky or a subtle human connection, which makes all suffering a condition of life’s journey to understand who we are and what gives us purpose. Espinoza’s poems take us to dark places, but the pinpoints of light she gathers show us a path to a world worth living.

[Janine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Aaaaaaaa so goooood!!!

“we will leave this dead soil behind.
we will swell and burst and drown the world in our breaking.
we will finally exist and nothing else will need to be said about it.”

I want to tattoo this on my soul

[Alexandra Naughton · Rating 5 out of 5]

'crying is nice / like fingers through sand / pushing apart / what they guessed to be solid.'

[Amy Layton · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some poems that I really liked here, some I didn't.  But that's the same with any poetry book, you like some, you don't like some.  But I really respected this book--it takes a lot for anybody to speak their truth and put it out there like this, especially to the subjective opinions of critics and casual readers alike.  I found these poems to be a little too crass at times, and I couldn't necessarily relate to them--which is fine.  Some truths are relatable, some aren't.  Certainly, this would appeal to many trans readers, as the experiences and emotions may be similar to what they're feeling.  Overall, a nice book, and well designed.

Review cross-listed here!

[silas denver melvin · Rating 2 out of 5]

wanted this to be more than it was. maybe one or two good lines but not one or two of these pieces are poetic

[Lulu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Espinoza writes with unrivaled bittersweetness. She has a way of capturing the trash of the world and turning it over so that--even without the aid of delusion--it seems like treasure. I found this book highly accessible despite not being a regular reader of poetry.

[Sophie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I adore JJE, but I didn't like this nearly as much as There Should Be Flowers or Outside of the Body . I think that's for two reasons: the experiences Jen recounts in this book are more individual, less universal, than those expressed in her later works, making it harder for me to see myself in this one; and this one deals a lot with existential questions like what it means to be alive, especially early in the book, which just aren't interesting to me. Interestingly, the new poems didn't fare any better for me than those reprinted from the first edition, so I wonder if they're new, or from the same time period and previously unpublished.

[Liam Strong · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is more important as a piece of transgender literature than it is for its technical or poetic prowess. As a trans person, this is necessary reading. As a poet, I find myself evading the inherent tendency to critique Espinoza's early work for how amateur and edgy it reads (sometimes it veers toward cringe-worthy Instagram poetry), and focusing on how full of heart this collection is. It hurts. It really does.

[Jocelyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some beautiful poems in here, but as a collection it felt very repetitive.

I sought this out because I found JJE’s poem “This Sunset Is So Beautiful” on the internet years ago, loved it, and have held onto it. I see that particular one is from a later collection, so I’m interested to read more of her later work!

[CG (vibrantreads) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book broke me in the best possible way. I'm not normally one for poetry, but the pure and raw emotions behind these as well as the fact that I've never quite read anything like the poems from this collection before made me fall in love with i'm alive / it hurts / i love it.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are very few books that have changed my life. I feel like this one could easily be one of the ones. It’s absolutely heart-achingly beautiful. Some of the best poetry I’ve ever read.

[iltatee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful, heartbreaking. Loved it.

[naviya · Rating 3 out of 5]

-quick, fast-paced, flows well
-good for when u don't have words for gender-related feelings/anger
-lil repetitive at times

[Simon · Rating 4 out of 5]

An earlier work, not as crystalline as her other, but lots of moving moments, language that captures feelings, images, exquisitely, where the whole piece (the whole book) is a song.

[warren · Rating 3 out of 5]

just wasnt for me at this part of my life

[cacio e petal · Rating 2 out of 5]

im very lucky that i got to read this. it's not the force that there should be flowers is, but it's so really worth the read

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5
liked the simple prose + sincerity but some parts felt too heavy handed

[Jonathan Honey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fuck yeah, hell yeah, etc.

[james stewart✧ · Rating 3 out of 5]

beautiful and striking truth telling, but the poetic style didn’t always work for me

[The Voracious Bibliophile · Rating 5 out of 5]

The world is trash, and Jennifer Espinoza knows this. She tells us this in turns-of-phrase so beautiful, so melancholy, that it makes you want to weep. She's a trans woman poet who spares no punches, who tells the truth no matter how much it hurts. Please read this book. It is so good.

I started and finished this book for the second time in July 2019. Reading it again felt just like the first time. To be cosmically aligned with a voice as fragile and, forgive me, fucked up as your own is a beautiful and terrible and wonderful thing.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

<3