It's Not Love, Actually: How to find the life and love you deserve

by Dee Salmin

'The guide to modern womanhood in 2026' - Hannah Ferguson

Have you ever been made to feel less than just because you're single? Maybe you're tired of shrinking yourself and your needs? Or just sick of the low-effort, bar-on-the-floor dating culture?

Well, Dee Salmin definitely is . . . and after years of talking to people about their love lives on triple j's award-winning podcast The Hook Up, she's ready to share everything she's learnt in this part-memoir, part-manifesto on dating, sex and love.

From being single and thriving, to dating with boundaries, to finding love that's actually worth your energy, Dee blends research, expert insight and unapologetic truth-telling in this funny, furious and totally unfiltered guide.

In a world that keeps telling women to settle, It's Not Love, Actually will empower each of us to embrace the life we deserve, and whether single or partnered up, remind us that the happiest, hottest and healthiest relationship should always be the one we have with ourselves.

'It's Not Love, Actually belongs in the hands of anyone who wants love that is truly respectful, healthy and happy - which is all of us.' - Chanel Contos, activist and bestselling author

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Feminism, Audiobook

Audible Audio

Published April 28, 2026

Reviews

[Robert Claireson]

this just made me realise I’ve never centred men in my life whatsoever

[Ella Moore]

I gobbled this book up in less than a week! Dee Salmin perfectly encapsulates the impact of society on the romantic life of a young woman. I have a personal essay on my laptop written two years ago, about how I felt othered and less than by not having experienced a real romantic relationship. Two years on and I wish I could hand myself this book, to validate the standards that I’ve always had (and now more I’ve gained after reading this book), as well as to hear the big sister I never had tell me that life can be as fulfilling with my village, and my relationship with myself. Dee called me out, validated me and help me reflect on my personal belief system when it comes to love. As a queer woman I loved how she acknowledged and celebrated queer culture and highlighted there’s not just one hetero way of loving (something that’s taken me time to realise, and a perspective that many books on love lack, unless they’re explicitly for queer people). I finished this book with a smile on my face and feeling fully fucking EMPOWERED!! Thank you Dee!!

[Kailyn Crabbe]

When I started this I thought "wow I wish I had this book in my late teens/early twenties when I was fully boy crazy" but even as I rapidly approach my 30s, there were so many topics that hit home and will likely be unpacked in my journal. From sisterly advice and personal anecdotes about [redacted] exes to intersectional feminist ideology, this is the sort of book that should be passed around between girlfriends like the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants or discussed in book clubs. Congratulations Dee!

[Rosie]

I’m glad I read this and I’m even more glad that I felt I didn’t need to.

[Sarah Christie]

I loved this so much- she covers heaps of ground, from going ‘boy sober’ to all of the ways we’re socialised to believe relationships/ marriage are going to be the most exciting thing we experience, so much about the male gaze and internalised misogyny, and most importantly about what good love is actually like!!
Wish I’d read this at 16 or 18 or 20 etc but I’m glad it’s in the world now. What a vision of what women should all be asking for going forward 🫶

[chloe]

EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS BOOK.

It has put so many of my feelings into worlds about dating in the 21st century. This was the big sister chat I needed to have. SERIOUSLY GO READ IT and if you don’t think you need to read it then you absolutely do. So empowering my life will never be the same in the best way.

[Anna]

Feminist witch indeed (complimentary) 🔮!! Probs the last person on earth that needs convincing to go boy sober or decentre men but still

[Lauren Castle]

Overall some good messages here. The ideas explored weren't really new to me and the tone/approach didn't resonate in parts, but can see how this book would be useful to others.

[Kristin]

I read this book as a gift from a friend who is similarly disillusioned with modern dating. The book is written from a very cis hetero female perspective, so revolves around concepts of decentring men, going boy sober, learning how to not do things solely for the male gaze etc. A lot of this felt frustratingly basic, and I had to keep reminding myself that there is still a place for this in the mainstream because some people have no other entry point to considering things differently.

It tries to draw together the author’s lived experience with information sourced through interviews and research from other sources. It had some interesting, if a bit pop psych, knowledge about attachment styles, and why we are repeatedly attracted to people who are bad for us or ill-suited to us. The book was maybe a little too far in the self-help guide basket for my tastes, I would honestly have probably got more out of it if it was pure memoir. While it didn’t necessarily provide any major revelations in thinking that I haven’t already arrived at, it was refreshing to hear some different takes on dating being put out into the world. I appreciate it for trying to have a discussion about not having bar-on-the-floor standards in dating, and about being single not necessarily being the piteous thing that some people see it as, that there can be a lot of fulfilment and joy in choosing to stay out of relationship and instead learn how to be happy on your own. Overall I found it fairly mediocre writing but give it credit for trying to put forward different ideas.

[Jessica]

Terribly conflicted over this one. It had some great sections on empowering women in their feminism and pointing out statistics that are important to notice but overall I got this really ick sense of putting men down. And as a raging feminist I do understand de-centring men from ones life is incredibly important if one is unable to function point blank with a man or man/mens attention however the overall tone once again was very much I don't like most dudes, I don't value most of their opinions and I think that most issues are caused purely by them being men. As someone with multiple fabulous and powerful male figures in my life, they are the key to our activism and we need them to be our loudest supporters in this sphere and to do that we can't be putting them down and out of the conversation but including them, even the one's who are being sexist a**holes to promote change and growth. You'll never grow if you never know. I think for anyone who's read a lot of essays or novels in this sector this might not be the book you're hoping it may be and it will repeat a lot you've seen and heard before but if you're diving in fresh to feminism and dating then it's a pretty okay start. Sadly would not read again.

[alli]

needed it, loved it, fuelled my feminine rage and i wish i had this years ago
would recommend the audiobook

also (a quote for my past self?) 🗣️
“With love and rage, do not let guys who are literal thumbs, who probably don’t wipe their own asses, who still get their mums to do their washing and cooking, who have never had a profound thought in their life but act like they’re the next Socrates, who barely have the decency to text you back or communicate how they’re feeling have so much power over your head heart and health.”

[Maya Mann]

Not to be cringe but enjoyed this! Sorry!

[Jess Overall]

Honestly this book touches on so many important topics and conversations, I think everyone should read it. So relatable and validating and puts light on the trenches of being single (which doesn’t have to be the trenches). Where was this book when I was 16 honestly

[Suzie_b_reads]

Definitely a book that I want to keep and will eventually turn to and read again. A very strong message to women and the importance of all love and relationships in their life - and that never to settle for less than what you deserve (in all ways) in a romantic relationship.

[Grace]

Enlightening/affirming (and inhaled within 24 hours)

[Ailsa S.]

Smashed this out in two afternoons. Here are my thoughts:
- 3 stars doesn’t mean I hated it.
- I was bored reading this, and I’m glad I was, because it meant the information wasn’t new to me. I’m proud of myself for getting to this place.
- this is a perfect book for someone who is kind of new to feminism and or younger than me.
- the part I actually learned from was “everyone wants a village but no one wants to be a villager”.
- this may have been better as a memoir? Unsure.
- easy read (for me) with clear, friendly, almost Gen-Z language that will make the messages a lot easier to digest

[Ruby Heath]

Would give it 6 stars if it was written 10 years ago

[Eliza Williamson]

A lot of new journal prompts from this one

[Jayde]

This was relatable, thought-provoking, and really challenged the way I think about relationships - especially friendships. It made me reflect on how I view the people in my own life, and there were definitely a few chapters I wanted to send straight to some of my friends 🫠😅

[Charlotte Barber]

An Australian Dolly Alderton… this book far exceeded my expectations and came at a perfect time in my life. I think Dee did an excellent job at weaving her lived experience with others’ learned experience. Loved the journal prompts. Now I just need my friends to read so we can share notes!

[Chloe Fellows]

wow this was sooo good and I feel like I read it at the most perfect time in my life. it truly has changed my views about dating and love, and made me think critically about a lot of things in my life. I know it’s something I’ll refer back to a lot in the future. really recommend this to everyone!!!!! (thanks maddie for telling me to read it)

[Lucinda Lederman]

***4.5***
oops forgot to review but absolutely loved will now forever be my bible 🩷 Dee Salmin the woman that you areeeeee
absolutely loved the realistic down to earth writing style and the important topics that Dee brought to the table, especially about dating apps, marriage, and not being his mother or his therapist !!!!! girl ended every chapter with a bang.
HIGHLY RECOMMEND ✨✨💖

[Lucy Schiffer]

My mother bought me this is she trying to tell me something 🤙🏻🤙🏻

[maddie]

really did enjoy this, audiobooked it and felt like a good podcast. was good advice that i’d really want if i was actively dating so maybe if i ever do that i’d come back and read parts of it lol. would recommend 👍

[Zoe Williamson]

Love Dee so I had high hopes for this but unfortunately it was a slog to get through this, I forgot how much I dislike self help books
A lot of the research referred to is media/literature I’ve already consumed so wasn’t anything new or ground breaking but can see how it might be helpful for someone younger or in a different stage of their learning/journey

[Lacey Battiato]

Some parts resonated, some parts didn’t. Nothing really ground breaking in this but felt like a nice podcast listening to it

[Sophie Ferguson]

Everyone needs to read this book!!

[cursedb]

I’m honestly surprised by how many positive reviews this book has because my experience was quite different. I was really looking forward to reading it, but unfortunately, it didn’t work for me. Rather than offering meaningful insights into relationships, it often felt like I was reading the author’s personal diary. I’m not sure if that was intentional, but instead of feeling insightful, many of the reflections came across as overly personal.
I kept expecting the book to go beyond individual experiences and offer broader observations or ideas about relationships, but it never quite got there for me. After a while, it started to feel repetitive, and I found myself losing interest. There are readers who may connect with the author’s personal experiences, but I was hoping for something more analytical or thought-provoking. In the end, it simply wasn’t what I was looking for.

[Rebecca Georgia Wheatcroft]

I think I needed a book like this in high school but luckily, at 29 having had many different experiences of dating, love, friendship and singleness of my own, as well as having consumed a lot of the reference material used, none of these concepts were new or groundbreaking. Maybe not the book for me, but a useful reminder all the same. I was a little frustrated at how surface level and lukewarm some of the takes were, as well as the many glaring contradictions in this book but I accept that we're all still learning along the way and the author herself might find that further down the track some of these things don't ring true for her anymore either. Should be an interesting discussion with my girls for book club this week!

[Andie Wilkinson]

Dee!! What a book! You put so eloquently into words what I’ve taught myself about love, relationships and sex - I felt like you were in my brain sometimes. I wish I had this book at 21, it would have made me feel a lot less alone in my journey for self love and inner happiness. Its so validating to know that I’m not holding ridiculous standards, and that community just as important than a romantic relationship. Can’t wait to force all my female friends to read this 🫶🏼