It's Not Love, Actually: How to find the life and love you deserve

by Dee Salmin

'The guide to modern womanhood in 2026' - Hannah Ferguson

Have you ever been made to feel less than just because you're single? Maybe you're tired of shrinking yourself and your needs? Or just sick of the low-effort, bar-on-the-floor dating culture?

Well, Dee Salmin definitely is . . . and after years of talking to people about their love lives on triple j's award-winning podcast The Hook Up, she's ready to share everything she's learnt in this part-memoir, part-manifesto on dating, sex and love.

From being single and thriving, to dating with boundaries, to finding love that's actually worth your energy, Dee blends research, expert insight and unapologetic truth-telling in this funny, furious and totally unfiltered guide.

In a world that keeps telling women to settle, It's Not Love, Actually will empower each of us to embrace the life we deserve, and whether single or partnered up, remind us that the happiest, hottest and healthiest relationship should always be the one we have with ourselves.

'It's Not Love, Actually belongs in the hands of anyone who wants love that is truly respectful, healthy and happy - which is all of us.' - Chanel Contos, activist and bestselling author

Genres: Nonfiction

Audible Audio

Published April 28, 2026

Reviews

[Ella Moore · Rating 5 out of 5]

I gobbled this book up in less than a week! Dee Salmin perfectly encapsulates the impact of society on the romantic life of a young woman. I have a personal essay on my laptop written two years ago, about how I felt othered and less than by not having experienced a real romantic relationship. Two years on and I wish I could hand myself this book, to validate the standards that I’ve always had (and now more I’ve gained after reading this book), as well as to hear the big sister I never had tell me that life can be as fulfilling with my village, and my relationship with myself. Dee called me out, validated me and help me reflect on my personal belief system when it comes to love. As a queer woman I loved how she acknowledged and celebrated queer culture and highlighted there’s not just one hetero way of loving (something that’s taken me time to realise, and a perspective that many books on love lack, unless they’re explicitly for queer people). I finished this book with a smile on my face and feeling fully fucking EMPOWERED!! Thank you Dee!!

[Kailyn Crabbe · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I started this I thought "wow I wish I had this book in my late teens/early twenties when I was fully boy crazy" but even as I rapidly approach my 30s, there were so many topics that hit home and will likely be unpacked in my journal. From sisterly advice and personal anecdotes about [redacted] exes to intersectional feminist ideology, this is the sort of book that should be passed around between girlfriends like the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants or discussed in book clubs. Congratulations Dee!

[chloe · Rating 5 out of 5]

EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS BOOK.

It has put so many of my feelings into worlds about dating in the 21st century. This was the big sister chat I needed to have. SERIOUSLY GO READ IT and if you don’t think you need to read it then you absolutely do. So empowering my life will never be the same in the best way.

[Chloe Fellows · Rating 5 out of 5]

wow this was sooo good and I feel like I read it at the most perfect time in my life. it truly has changed my views about dating and love, and made me think critically about a lot of things in my life. I know it’s something I’ll refer back to a lot in the future. really recommend this to everyone!!!!! (thanks maddie for telling me to read it)

[Rosie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m glad I read this and I’m even more glad that I felt I didn’t need to.

[maddie · Rating 4 out of 5]

really did enjoy this, audiobooked it and felt like a good podcast. was good advice that i’d really want if i was actively dating so maybe if i ever do that i’d come back and read parts of it lol. would recommend 👍

[Ruby Heath · Rating 5 out of 5]

Would give it 6 stars if it was written 10 years ago

[Freya Sander · Rating 5 out of 5]

Imagine you want to learn how to love yourself first, then your friends and family, and then a partner - this is the book you need. Loved it

[Danielle Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Equally uplifting and deflating 😂 but well written, she put it so perfectly 👏🏼

[Melody | Spilt Wine Book Club · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exactly what my 15 / 18 / 22 / 25 year old self needed. A guide to embracing being single, demanding more from the men in our lives, and prioritising and appreciating love outside of romantic partnerships. It’s Not Love, Actually explores modern dating, hook-up culture, misogyny, pleasure, and love in all its forms.

This is such a well-researched and well-articulated collection of Salmin’s learnings, drawing on her own experiences, self-help literature, and work through her podcast. While a lot of these ideas were things I had come to myself a few years ago, seeing them laid out like this felt incredibly validating and affirming.

Whether you’re single or happily (or unhappily) partnered, there are so many reminders here worth holding onto to make sure the life you’re living actually aligns with your values and what you want for your future. I genuinely think all women dating men (and honestly, men too) should read this.

[Laura D · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good book!! Highly recommend. Really enjoyable to read despite the author’s scary stories of men (there’s no way a man would tell their partner they’re “too much”???? Wtf no. And the other scarier stuff like statistics of men murdering their partners)

But yeah because I’ve grown up in a world that prioritises romance and getting married, it was refreshing to read her views that being single is okay. Also that marriage is a scam from the wedding industry and that it sucks. Combine the bucks and hens parties into one big party. Or something. Or just elope. Or have the wedding because the village that you built needs a chance to come together and celebrate and dance and eat cake.

Big thank you to Dee Salmin for writing this book and also small thank you to Dee’s partner for being a beautiful stunning premiership winning captain

[Josie Young · Rating 4 out of 5]

A sidekick for self-confidence in loving yourself, your village, and then maybe if they’re lucky, a significant other. Very much hetero (which Dee acknowledges from the start) so it’s not for everyone and doesn’t try to be. But that’s mainly around the romantic love parts which actually only form a fraction of this book. I found the bulk of it was about learning how to see and nurture all of the other kinds of love that you have in your life, and that is beautiful.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is life changing shit for women of ALL ages. I've been frantically sending it to all my female friends. It honestly feels like Dee has saved me years of struggle. I'm even getting my Dad to read it - because men have just as much of a part to play in gender equality as women do. Boy sober for life!!

[Neneh Lane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book SERIOUSLY shifted my mindset. Through Dee sharing her own story and truths, this book helped me see mine. This can be confronting seeing things for how they really are, but as you read it, you feel like Dee is with you, giving you the sisterly hug you didn’t realise you really needed. Dee’s book will be the push you need to tap into your wonderfulness ❤️

[Isobella · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love! This was a great book that I think would be an especially good read for single gals and people whose romantic relationships take priority in their lives. Opened up some good chats with my partner and was really interesting!!

[Jasmine Wilson]

Want to foist this upon every younger girl I know

[Lucy’s Library · Rating 5 out of 5]

I need everyone to read this book. 5 stars. No notes

[Barbie Rogers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved! Thank you thank you. 17 year old and 34 year old me needs it 🩷🩷🩷 I can’t wait to use my highlighter and refer back to it again and again.

[Tegan · Rating 5 out of 5]

10/5 stars!!! My fav read so far for 2026 and will be making sure all my girls in my life read, such an important read🍓

[Charley wells · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to audio book version would recommend! Good reminder to nurture all relationships

[Isabella Nethery · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow loved this have recommended everyone and anyone to read!!!

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every woman & girl must read this book. So relatable and downright helpful ❤️

[Geraldine Weiss · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel very passionate about every girl/woman needing to read this!!

[Sariya · Rating 5 out of 5]

She speaks the TRUTH. Decenter men 101.

[Simon Fitzpatrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Candid, insightful and also an extremely important read

[Emma Whitfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a book. So well written, couldn’t have loved it more. A must read!

[Victoria Meek · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an incredible read! Cried quite a few times but happy tears

[Brigitte Kelleher · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made my cry, laugh and feel all the feels. It’s like having a dnm with a bestie or the big sister you never had. Brilliantly written, I finished it in a few days. Loved it!

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

So funny, insightful, and genuinely useful. Dee writes with such a clear voice, generously sharing her story with such warmth and humour. Can’t wait to read the many books that are sure to follow.

[Ellie · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s Not Love, Actually felt like having one long, honest conversation with a very smart friend who tells you the truth you probably need to hear.

It is vulnerable and personal without becoming overly self-helpy, and it manages to be funny while still talking seriously about modern dating culture, boundaries, loneliness, heartbreak and the pressure women feel to settle or shrink themselves for relationships.

There were so many lines and observations throughout the book that felt painfully relatable. The sections about low-effort dating, unlearning unhealthy ideas about love, and learning to value yourself outside of relationships especially hit home. It felt very grounded in the reality of dating now rather than idealised romance advice.

I also appreciated that it never felt preachy. Dee is reflective, self-aware and honest about her own experiences, which makes the book feel warm and authentic instead of performative.

Funny, validating, thoughtful and genuinely comforting. We need more women to read this book!!